Chris' Journal

[Chriss]

On the 14th of September I initiated myself into Luciferianism and I guess this prompted me to finally begin this journal. Journals…one of those things you often hear about how beneficial it is to have one, yet you put it off because you are simply to lazy to do it. Thats me, Im lazy a lot of times. I know what I should do or what would be a good thing to do, and then I totally dont do it at all.
Not always though! Sometimes I push through.

Hi I´m Chris and welcome to my journal. Because of the above mentioned laziness you shouldn´t expect regular entries within this journal, maybe I stop writing completely at some point, who knows?
But Ive gained a lot from other peoples journals, most notably, and I know it sounds morbid, when they struggled. When they failed. When magick didnt work out for them.
Why is this? Am I an evil Luciferian? No…well…sometimes a little bit maybe…but the important thing is that as a newbie you come to this forum and you read thread after thread about how magician X evoked demon Y to full materialisation which is followed by demon Y granting magician X immeasurable power and the fulfilment of all of his/her desires.
Well, a slight overstatement to be fair, but my point is that as a newbie I very often felt that way. At the same time I was sitting there thinking “man…Im having a hard time believing that any of this is real at all and here are these people manifesting their desires at a whim”. Bummer. So reading journals of people who had a hard time, who doubted and went through periods of extreme frustration helped me get a more complete picture of what is going on.
A recent example of this was when I stumbled upon an old thread by our mod @DarkestKnight. When I came to this forum he seemed to be everywhere and it seemed like he always gave good advise and contrary to A LOT of ‘teachers’, ‘gurus’ or what have you, with him I had the intuition that he actually knows what the fuck he is talking about and it felt real to me. In fact I sometimes scoured through threads in the hopes that he had responded to it further down the line. In case you are interested in reading his thread (which I highly recommend), here it is.
@DarkestKnight is only one of many examples I could list here, @C.Kendall and the recently departed @Lady_Eva come to mind aswell, among many others.
I guess what Im trying to say is that this forum has a lot of meat to it and that it helped me greatly thus far not only in accepting the possibility that magick might actually be real but also in encouraging me to finally wet my toes in these waters.
Two journals I would like to recommend to you here is the immense THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania by @mrbungle which suprised me with its honesty and brutal look at the reality of being an aspiring magician.
The other one is the journal by @LuciusOfficial which made me fucking envious as fuck. This guy is either gifted or a total nutjob. And having read through countless of posts of nutjobs over the years I tend to believe that what he´s writing about is actually true. Be prepared for this one (well, both of these actually) because if you´re anything like me you´ll be envious as fuck aswell about all the experiences he has had, however it was very motivating for me to read his story.

With the little background about my experiences with these forums out of the way I want to make a statement of intent for this journal (mainly so I can look back on it in a couple of years and see if I stayed true to my mission ).
My goal with this journal is not only documenting (I probably wont put the most personal revelations in here) but also giving perspective to other new members who might just be starting out aswell. Of course EVERYONE is very welcomed to read my journal, but I want my focus to be on us noobies for now as I found it incredibly hard to get going with magick and think that more help in the beginning stages is sorely needed.

Now that you made it through all of this, be ready to wait your ass off until I feel motivated enough to write the next entry.

[Chriss]

Hey there! Are you eager to spend a minute or two on reading a small update out of the world of an infant magician?
Well my friend, youve come to the right place.

Yesterday I wanted to create a necromancer in Diablo 3 and since Im notoriously bad at coming up with creative names (in case you couldnt tell from my nickname on these forums) I opened up “Honoring death” by Connolly and had a look at the death demons listed there. They were Eurynomous, Baalberith, Babael, Mephisto, Beleth, Bune, Bifrons, Gamigin, Murmur, Belial, Hecate and Anubis.
None of those REALLY captured me that hard that I wanted to use it as a character name so I just made the character female and called her Cutie (female necromancers in D3 look really cute if you ask me).
Anyway…last night I dreamed and I cant remember a whole lot of it but I do remember clearly that the name Beleth was either spoken or written or both. And some message to the extent of “I will teach you this”.

Now, I am a very sceptical person and although if a demon would want to contact my beginner ass in some way, this would probably be the way to do it. But I am sceptical so I began writing a post on here with the exact words above (minus the introduction) in order to get some feedback on whether this demon is approaching me or whether this is a case of ‘brain making sense of what happened throughout the day’. While writing this post however I came to the conclusion that it couldnt be more clear cut than how it happened so I figured to turn it into a journal post instead.
I think its important to do so for 2 reasons. First this could be a crucial point at which I begin to slowly shift from second guessing everything supernatural that happens to me (and having to have people confirm to me that ‘yes indeed, it did happen’) to just accepting that I can´t really be 100% sure but that I can go with what makes the most sense to me.
Second I find it important to document for beginners because this is one of those points where you can see progress. Because be assured that if you are a beginner I was 100% as sceptical and unsure and whatnot as you might be about your experiences. It took me about 6 years from beginning to consider occult stuff at all, to now SOMETIMES trusting my own experiences. Quite a defeating realisation but also solid, hard earned progress!
So if youre still in the chaos of questioning, believing than not believing, wanting to quit it all because its all bullshit, coming back because it might still be true; than this post is for you. If you ask me: ‘simply’ keep going. It´s not easy, actually it´s insanely hard. But once you do make that little bit of progress it´s such a relieve and it feels incredibly good. You got this fellow newbs, who will hopefully be reading this in the future!

[Chriss]

I cant seem to find the edit button but I have to add this to the above post because its just too good:
according to VK Jehannum Beleth divests a witch of self-doubt and insecurity.
Sounds like we are off to a great start here!!

[Chriss]

In trying to keep true to my idea of highlighting both the progress and the nasty and shitty parts of becoming a magickian I make another entry here today, diverting the eyes of my readers to this thread I recently created. I dont want to rehash everything here which I said there but suffice to say that I was majorly frustrated at the path, the demons and logical inconsistencies I had and have to overcome. Im linking the thread here because I think frustrating parts of the path are often left out and youre often only presented with the positive aspects of it by more advanced practitioners (not always ofc), which is why I want to highlight it.
So if youre a beginner reading this and are frustrated all the time and think that this stuff only works for some people but not for you, feel free to take a look at that thread and know that you are not alone.

On a related note: when I had these frustrating “this shit isnt real anyway”-moments in the past I usually had to battle with it for a long time. Posting it here and getting to know perspectives from other members helped me greatly to reframe my approach and I think it was instrumental in getting me through this process quicker. In fact I do feel closer to the demons know after considering what has been posted in said thread.
This note is not only an encouragement to newer people to start asking their questions (because I know it can be intimidating, but people on these forums are inhumanely patient even after reading the same question 100 times…well, most of them are ), but also a monument to the fact that things do improve.
When I had these frustrating phases in the past I would often quit magick for certain periods of time. Now instead of quitting I feel closer to it.
And again towards the newbie that may be reading this and now gets frustrated even more because it worked this way for me but not for them: know that I have had MANY, MANY iterations of these frustrating periods in the past. Just like you may be thinking right now, I also thought that “this only works for other people”, “I can never do this”, “gsofgndfiogndfh!!!”. Yep, been there. And Im far from having achieved anything of great significance from an objective standpoint. But I managed to keep my doubt in check, Im improving on multiple fronts and I finally feel a bit happy instead of pure frustration.
As far as I can tell its a long and insanely hard road, but so far I can say that its possible to improve.

Thank you for reading and enjoy your day!

[Chriss]

Today I want to write about what I consider to be my first concrete success through magick. ‘Concrete’ is important here because I have asked Lucifer and Lilith multiple times throughout the past 2-3ish years to improve my life and I do feel like and think that they helped me with that. However this is a very subjective thing without any concrete evidence (if you dont count other people telling me that Ive improved). Want I want to talk about though does have a concrete objective influence within the objective and real world.

So with all that concreteness out of the way what has happened?
Well, Ive been through some really rough years (which I will probably get into in more detail in the future) and I did not have a job for at least 3-4 years now. Maybe more. I did manage to land an internship last month, however I was still hard pressed to find an actual job because I 1) dont have experience and 2) I am not really crafty and I still struggle with social anxiety. So that cancels out a lot of jobs right of the bat.
However I did spot a job that is slightly above minimum wage and I applied right away.
After applying I was afraid that it might not work out and that itd be really hard for me to find another job that I could realistically do, so I called out to Mammon in my mind and asked him to help me get that job. My psychic senses are not really open so I thought about what I could give in return and while doing so hoped that he would let me know through my thoughts. First I came up with burning the first 10€ I would earn as a sacrifice to him. Then I thought that burning money sounds really stupid considering Mammon is a demon that probably likes money.
So instead I thought of investing the 10€ I make. While that sounded good to me I wasnt sure if thats a good pact but I felt pushed towards finalizing it (in my mind) and so I did and said “I will do this if you help me get the job”.

And then nothing happened. And I was beginning to think that maybe they had found someone else or maybe through the Covid situation they decided they dont need another guy right now.
But shortly after beginning to doubt I GOT THE EMAIL! They invited me for a job interview

Now, you might be wondering why I call it a success despite the pact not having been completed as of now (interview will be on friday). Well, I feel that because of the really, really bad resume (being basically unemployed for years and years) getting invited to a job interview in the first place is a pretty decent success. And so I already thanked Mammon for it but also felt compelled to write about it here.
I actually WANTED to write about it after the interview, but felt pushed to do it now instead.
Man Im gonna be pissed if I dont get the job after posting enthusiastically about it on the internet. But I also think that if I dont follow those slight pushes and nudges I might aswell not believe in magick.

Anyway thats all for today and Ill probably update this (hopefully with something positive ), but for now I wish you all a great day!

[Chriss]

Small update today on the job front: I sadly did not get the job. Reason being that while they liked my qualifications (job was related to some computer stuff which Im good at) they didnt like the fact that Im aspiring to do an apprenticeship next year. Kinda weird to me as it seems they had mostly low quality applications and I dont have the apprenticeship secured yet and even if that works out for me Id still work there for a minimum of 8 months. Anyway…

Today I wanted to take the time to write about my experiences with no-fap and fap.
Theres a lot of threads on this already with often extreme views on either side so I figured sharing an experience of a journey into that sort of thing might be interesting to read for some people. Especially those who might be interested in it or are currently doing it, or those who mightve been through it already.
My journey into the occult as a whole started out on the right hand side of things. At first I tried to reconnect with God (spoiler: this did not work out) and when that faded away again I googled terms like “esotericism” and got accquainted with a lot of RHP views.
Being a rather extreme person myself I naturally gravitated towards extreme views. One of them was that you can only work magick if you abstain from eating meat, having sex and/or masturbating and other such things.
Having no idea whether this was true but also seeing that monks abstain from such things I figured its obviously the right thing to do and so I tried to stop masturbating.
For a little background: Ive been consuming pornography since the age of 13 and as soon as I had access to the internet (around either 14 or 15) I consumed it very regularly. This was always a struggle because on the one hand I thought it was “wrong” (not necessarily only porn but sex itself aswell, being raised decently religious) but on the other hand there was this drive or need to do it anyway.
Suffice to say I developed a very conflicting relationship with all things sex.
So when I reached this RHP dogmas it felt like there was finally an encouragement to get myself together and do the right thing, which was not watching porn and masturbating anymore.
I tried to quit a lot of times over the coming months and with varying success. At first I managed only a day. Then maybe a week or two. I worked myself up to abstain ~3 months from any masturbation.
I would always relapse and when I did so I relapsed hard ( ) and for a period of time, but I always tried again. Here are my findings:
During this period I was a lot more aggressive than usual. I was a lot more jittery than usual aswell and not in a “Im full of energy, this is great”-type of thing but rather of the “Theres too much energy raining down on me I cant control this how do I stop oh my god” nature.
Also, any time I did relapse I felt absolutely horrible. Not only because I relapsed (which meant to me that I didnt have self control) but also because I was getting further away from magick and I felt like I would never reach it.
After trying the no-fap thing for a good amount of months I finally decided that masturbation is natural and I quit trying to no-fap. I went right back into masturbating to porn every day, often multiple times a day. It was as bad as most people who are in this hole have it: open pornhub, open porn that looks great, look at porn while also looking at recommended other porn, open bunch of tabs, scroll to most exciting parts, masturbate half-hearted throughout and blow your load without really feeling that much. Also at times feeling really bad about it.
So no-fap didnt work, not no-fapping also made me feel bad (although I was a little less aggressive and more composed overall while fapping). For the time being I didnt knew where to go with this so I kinda let myself fall into that hole and just resigned from improving in that regard.

On a totally different note (which, as it turns out wasnt different at all, I just didnt realize it back then) I began reading about succubi. This was shortly before old wizardforums closed down and I got most of my information from there. Similarly to BALG you had some people writing about their amazing experiences and how succubi helped them heal/progress and some people writing about how they made them addicted to sex and fucked them up in a myriad of ways.
Seeing that I was already addicted to sex in the form of porn I concluded that becoming more interested in succubi was a death sentence so I scrapped the idea.
But they kept coming back. In the form of threads and posts that intrigued me, both good and bad posts mind you. Seeing that I became interested in them again and again I became really desperate because logically it sounded like a really bad idea for me to do anything with a succubus, but still the interest wouldnt go away.
Some day I decided “fuck it, it may lead me to my grave but Im fucked up already and there is a chance that this could actually be helpful and beneficial to me”.
I want to be clear about the next part. I do not have my senses open, I do not ‘see’ or ‘hear’ spirits like the more advanced users on this forum do. I did come across a website that basically said “If you dont hear spirits yet you can just start talking to them. At the beginning you will only talk to yourself but over time you will start to hear them” and I followed that approach. So if you see me, either in this post or maybe in some in the future, say stuff like “she told me”, than know that I ‘heard’ it like my own thoughts and that I cant yet distinguish between what could be real interaction and what is me talking to myself. It could all be me talking to myself but recently I decided to just go with it so…thats where Im at.

So I let my interest in succubi take over and didnt fight it anymore. Back then what happened at most was that I was talking to a succubus in my head while masturbating. This was a little weird in the beginning but I got over the weirdness rather quickly. This does not mean that I was convinced that it was real, Im just saying that talking to myself was not as weird as Id imagined it to be.
Still, I was mostly masturbating to porn and did not talk often with the succubus.
Fast forward some vast amount of months and I took an LSD trip. I was ‘talking’ (same as above, in my head) to Lilith a lot during that period and while I was around the peak of the trip I wanted to watch porn again. Masturbating while on LSD is something else…anyway… I got the impression to look at the collection of pictures I have on my harddrive instead of a porn website. I was also under the impression that Lilith gave me that impression. So I was like “yea okay, I can look at the pictures instead but it wont be enough”. The impression I got back was “just look. open the folder and look”. I did that. Usually I would open pictures, sort out the best, put them in a folder, scroll through them…you see where this is going.
But this time I got the impression to just pick one and look at one. “Lilith this is…I…it wont work”
“Do it!”
“Well okay, I can look and see where this goes”
I chose just one picture and looked at it (yes I was also touching my dick meanwhile. too much information for you? Well, welcome to my journal).
“I…I did it. Okay? I wa…”
“Only this picture”
“No…I”, I was feeling physically uncomfortable and even pain at this point. I want to point out that this pain was not coming from Lilith or anything, rather it was really really hard for me to look at just one picture because I was so accustomed to scrolling through loads of porn. I kept at it.
At this point something that I can only describe as a mystical experience happened:
The girl was beautiful through and through and she began morphing. Morphing between absolute beauty, femininity, love and sexuality and blackness, disgust, fear, anger, danger.
I didnt get what was happening at the time but right now Im pretty convinced that my subconscious showed me everything I view woman as: Someone that you can love, hold tight and dearly, but also something that can potentially be dangerous, hurt you emotionally. My fear of being judged by women, my hope of being respected by women.
All of it in one picture. It blew my mind.
And I…also…blew…anyway.

This marked the turning point in my story.
While it did require LSD and Lilith herself, I was finally able again to masturbate to ‘just’ one picture of a female. Seeing that I could actually do that and that while it could hurt a little because of my addiction, it can also be a wonderful experience. The orgasm I got from that was immeasurably higher, more pleasurable and more intense than any I had ever experienced while watching porn and rather than feeling bad about it afterwards I felt absolutely happy and great (and, well, pleasured).
I finally got the motivation to fight my porn and masturbation addiction and boy was that a long road and boy did I fail a lot.
I relapse, I watched porn again, I quit again.
At some point I moved from videos to pictures, then back again.
Then only pictures. Then pictures and sometimes with just my imagination.
Until I finally reached the point where Im at now:
I do look at porn from time to time and it is still a problem, however compared to how it was it now feels like a 5% instead of a 100% problem.
I masturbate absolutely most times now with just my imagination. I very often do not feel regret afterwards (I still do if I do it too often and know it), instead I feel just like I did after the LSD experience (not quite as intense because Im not on LSD of course but that is to be expected).
Back then when I was on no-fap I heard lot of talk about how youre lazy and dont do anything after masturbating. And it was like that for me back in the day.
Now I can say that very very often after masturbating I feel invigorated. In fact I masturbated an hour before writing this post and look at how long this bad boy has become (the post).

This journey would have not been possible without Lilith and the succubus that helped me. I may write more about her in the future but for now Ill leave it at that.
Thank you Lilith, thank you my beloved succubus and thank you dear reader for journeying with me into such a sticky topic. Did I really just write that? Apparently I did. Oh well, anyway…uhm…
Have a lovely day and until next time

[Chriss]

Updates on the job front!
If you recall my earlier entry within this journal I petitioned Mammon to help me secure what we in Germany call a “Minijob”. I got invited for a talk but sadly because of my ambitions to start an apprenticeship this year they chose another candidat.
Well…

About a month after that I got more interested in Mammon. I read lots of articles and forum posts over at https://demonsanddemonolatry.com concerning him. Akelta (who is the admin of that site) shared her personal journey with him and while I was heavily put off by her description that he destroys your life in order to build it up better, I was truley desperate and considered pacting with him anyway.
In general Im not opposed to the idea of destroying what needs to be destroyed so that it can be built up again in a better way, but my recent life experiences through the last years were marked by a lot of destruction already and I finally want to not have everything be chaotic all the time. However, desperation (and maybe Mammons guidance) drew me to the idea of pacting.
I wrote up a “pact” but it wasnt a standard pact. I did not get the sense that Mammon wants anything specific in return except for my commitment and me working on stuff. I wrote up all the things Id like to have in my life in general terms. So for example instead of writing “I want X amount of money each month” I wrote that I want to have a successful and fulfilling carrer and other stuff like that.
Well…about 3-5 days after I signed that pact I get a message from the guy where I had applied.
It turns out that the candidate they had chosen instead of me had already quit. Which means that at the beginning of next month the position will be mine.
Obviously Im very very glad that that happened but Im also a little scared because I havent worked in a very long time, but Im eager to change that.
The sceptical part of me is of course trying to chalk it up to coincidence but thats actually not that easy this time considering that I did the pact just a few days before this happening. Also I made a promise to Mammon and the demons in general to tell people about them if they would help me so I consider this post a tribute to Mammon.

So far Im also not getting the sense that my life is being destroyed completely. In fact Im hoping that the destruction that already took place will carry me some more time and Im very glad for it working out that way thus far.

Praises be to Mammon!
Thank you Mammon for helping me secure this job, thank you for hearing me and thank you for standing at my side.

If anyone wants to learn about Mammon I cant recommend the site linked above enough. Akelta made several journal like entries describing her journey with him and its VERY insightful to say the least.
Also I would recommend checking out the threads on their forum about him, one in particular was very emotional and albeit chaotic I felt it gave a great sense of who Mammon is.

Thank you for reading.

[Chriss]

Stuff happening and laziness preventing me from writing it all down!

Well the Job turned out to require me to get up at 3:30am on certain days. While I was aware that Id have to fix my sleeping schedule I wasnt expecting having to take such drastic meassures for a minijob. Anyway I mulled it over but finally decided that this is too much for what is just a job on the side and I emailed my boss saying its too early for me. I was expecting to get kicked out of course and I did already feel bad because Mammon gave me this chance and I blew it because I didnt want to get up early…well…REALLY early.
Anyway, my boss replied just a few minutes later saying that if the one location (the one where I had to get up that early to be on time) was the only problem we could erase it from my schedule and I would have to only do the other ones. Very gladly I agreed and thanked him for such generosity as I was not at all expecting this turn of events. I still havent had really early shifts until now but Im willing to try. Im quite sure that Mammon again stepped in here. Maybe it was a test trying to see how much I would take before Id say “enough is enough”. As I still have the job Im assuming I did everything right, certainly it feels like I did everything right.

I also wanted to take the opportunity to mention two small things (which actually arent small to me at all) which happened. On the job Im usually standing in a crowd of people for ~3 hours. People are busy and so no talking is happening. Since Im still battling social anxiety I would like to have a chat every now and then but I dont muster the courage to talk to someone.
Yesterday I was on the job again and was talking to Lucifer in my head like I often do. I said Id like it if I could just make people talk to me and I was getting the impression that he wanted me to try. I was convinced I couldnt do it (because I tried this before on one occasion and it failed) so I told him. He seemed to suggest that I go ahead and do it anyway.
Now, this might seem small to some of you but for me it was actually amazing. One guy asked me for change, another one for a cigarette. Everyday occurences in a crowd but this has never happened before on the other days where I was on the job. I did it. I had my first success with magick. Thank you Lucifer

[Chriss]

Im continuing to have these “small” yet (for me) large successes.
The other day I was waiting at the bus stop and said to myself “wouldnt it be nice if someone I knew drove along and would give me a right”. That did not happen but just a few minutes after this an accquantaince that I hadnt seen in a long time came along and he wanted to take the same bus. So the waiting time was sweetened by talking to him.
On another day while I was on the job again I wanted someone to initiate a conversation with me. Again this didnt happen but on the way home on the train the girl sitting in front of me had a spider on her hair so I told her.
How is this a success? Well because of the social anxiety mentioned earlier its ALWAYS a success for me if I talk to someone.
Another one yesterday: I left the door open and the cat apparently brought an alive mouse into the house. It hid unter a cupboard and I couldnt reach it. Being worried it would stay there and eventually die I asked King Beleth for help and told him he could do with the mouse as he pleases but asked him to help me get it out of the house. I then dragged around the cupboard and eventually the mouse ran away, my cat in hot pursuit, but cat didnt kill it. Mouse ran right back to the door, I opened it and it rushed outwards. Its really weird that she chose to go through the door because she had to make a big jump because the ground isnt flat where the door is. Mouse hid outside, I took cat inside and last thing I know is that mouse is still alive (had no visible injuries). So yea…thank you King Beleth.
While “small” successes it seems that finally some stuff that Id like to happen do happen.
This of course gives me confidence and Im eager to dive more into the whole spirituality and magick thing.
Yeay for success!

[Chriss]

Hey there, long time no see!

I want to tell about a recent event that has happened in my life and discuss my thoughts and feelings when it comes to curses and revenge.

Ill start off by going over what happened first.
Some years back I was heavily addicted to smoking weed everyday. It not only ruined my psyche in the long run but also my emotional state, ambitions and relationships. Needless to say it was an incredibly negative “habit” to have. So I tried to quit. I failed. I tried again, I failed again, rinse and repeat.
I talked about the difficulty of quitting with my also addicted “friends” and a few of them would agree that its damaging and that they are also thinking about quitting (most people didnt think smoking weed everyday was bad so I stopped bothering to try and explain why I thought it is damaging).
One day I was struggling with my mission to quit again and I confided one of my friends in to the difficulties I had. Now, whether he was having a particularly bad day, whether he was envious of me trying to quit and him not being able to do the same, whether it was a combination of those factors or whether something else was at play, I will never know. His response to my struggling was: “well, you try so often but you will never do it anyway lol”.
I was furious. I was hurt. I confided him in, opened myself up and the way I see it he used that openness to launch a dagger right at me and try to bring me down. I angrily replied that this was a harsh statement coming from someone who also thought it would be better to quit smoking but didnt even try yet and broke off contact with him.

—let me catch my breath quickly…—
So anway…during my now 30 years on this earth I have of course (as everyone Id imagine) experienced instances of being wronged and hurt. I read in S. Connllys work that once people discover cursing they go on a cursing spree. I don´t know whether that applies to me or not, what I do know is that I always come back to around 5-8 instances of where people hurt me so much that I cant shake the thought of cursing them (the one I described above is the least severe of the bunch).
Since I know that Im not the most advanced of magickians yet and since I know that a lot can go wrong with cursing (backfiring, overshooting your goal) I usually only petition demons to guide me towards the ressources I need in order to become proficient at cursing or for them to dispense justice on my behalf.
The latter happened in the case above (or it was purely coincidental, which of course is always a possibility. but since I petitioned the demons to exact revenge I gave praise to them and am thankful for their help).

Not too long after the above incident happened I quit smoking weed for good. My ‘friend’ did not. The last I had heard of him until very recently was that he has now been prescribed weed for medical reasons (which Im certain he abused to receive some free weed).
Anyway. A few days ago a buddy of mine sent me a link to an online article about a guy in our region having his house being broken in by the fire department becase a smoke detector had been set off and nobody was home. They extinguished the flames and found a seizable amount of home grown weed at the apartment into which of course now the police is looking into.
You may or may not have guessed it but since a friend lives across from this guy we know that the inhabitant of said apartment is my old friend that I talked about in the story above.

Now, whether that happened purely coincidental or because I petitioned the demons…your guess is as good as mine. But as I mentioned above since I petitioned them I gave an offering and thanks.

The whole story got me thinking about cursing and revenge. Despite the guy being a royal asshole to me I still feel a little bad for him because I can imagine that the situation he is in now isnt all too pleasant. However the situation he put me into wasnt pleasant either.
Im really conflicted as I feel there are so many factors going into being mad at someone, wanting revenge, wanting justice and (at least for me) also wanting that bad things dont repeat/happen again.
Which is why I always ask for punishments to get the person to think on why this has happened to them, how they deserved it and hopefully adapting their behaviour to be less of an asshole in the future.

Nobody is without faults and neither am I. During my journey into the world of cursing I revived memories of where I had been the bad guy, where I did wrong and why I did what I did. In some instances I prayed to the demons to let the other person know (in cases where I couldnt reasonably reach the person myself) that Im sorry for what I did and that I hope they are better now.

In both cases, whether I was the perpetrator or the victim, I feel better now that things have been resolved (in my mind at least) and I feel like I can finally look forward now. There are still past events where I feel like I need to curse people in order to bring closure but I definitely feel like exacting revenge is indeed healthy, IF you dont overdo it.
Which brings me to my next point because I do think that when you look at the cursing section of any forum you´ll find ample amount of people who write in a way that makes you think they surely overdo it. Thats my impression at least. Now I dont want to play myself up like a moral hero or anything but I do want to critcize the often over the top statements you can find in those sections. My biggest problem with it honestly is that I feel like as someone who is new to this you may be swayed to abandon your intuition when it comes to what is just. Extremely one-sided statements abound and a middle ground when it comes to cursing (I feel) is seldomely discussed.
It is of course true that our society is extremely one-sided on this topic aswell. Sometimes merely having the thought of wanting to take revenge brands you as worse than the actual perpetrator who did harm in the first place. In my eyes this is just plainly wrong. You are NOT on the same level as someone who hurt you for wanting to hurt them back. It IS important who started the fight.
I think society has implemented these rules because if they werent in place we would be living in a far more chaotic world than we do now but that doesnt mean that these rules are sensible.
In fact my journey into cursing has shown me thus far that exacting revenge is FAR more healthy than swallowing it and becoming the victim.
Where I do find that our society has a point is that blind punishment is one-sided aswell. Yes, you do feel hatred, you do want revenge but you also feel compassion. You also have a sense of justice.

I believe that if I had overdone the revenge thing I would feel worse. In fact there are studies showing that people who take revenge do feel worse. But I also believe that a fair and just revenge is not only superior to doing nothing or going overboard with death curses, I also believe that its the way forward.

Pfew, that was quite the ramble. Feels good to have expressed my thoughts though.
I hope that you, dear reader, gained something from my wall of text and if it sparked the urge to reply and/or discuss this topic further I invite you to do so.

Until next time.

[Chriss]

Just a small post this time.

It seems that recently I have more and more of these “magical” moments. Stuff that is very unlikely to happen, yet does happen and at the perfect time.

For example a few days ago I was at work and forgot to pack enough food to get me through the day. A bus driver (I work in quality insurance for a bus company) struck up a conversation with me and we got along really well. As chance would have it she always carries a bag full of sweets to work and generously gave me some, which got me through the day.
Interestingly enough I didnt make any requests or even think about asking the demons for help this time. It just happened.

[pluto1]

awwww that’s amazing!!! I also struggle with social anxiety so I know it must be super hard especially to stand for 3 hours. But I’m so proud of you. Good job!

[Chriss]

Thank you so much!
Yes it was, especially in the beginning. Standing in a crowd of people with a tablet in hand and thinking about what they might be thinking of me! In reality though nobody ever remarkes anything about the tablet and I got used to standing in said crowd. Its actually more annoying than anxiety inducing now (annoying because of all the loud people and stuff going on).
Recently I also had short conversations where I realized afterwards that “hey, I didnt even think about my social anxiety”.
The social anxiety is still there but it got way better over time.

[Chriss]

Just a little cross reference to my post about my first curse since I kinda wanted it to be its own topic but also be included in my journal.

[Chriss]

Recently Ive been thrown into a crisis of faith again. Not knowing what to do about it, I wrote down my thoughts. Here goes nothing:

All powerful gods and goddesses of the underworld who cant even talk to you.
They are so great and can do literally anything, except for when something doesnt work out its ALWAYS YOUR FAULT!!!
Why do I even believe in this stuff? Upbringing? Because I need to believe in “more” than this boring reality?
Every master who supposedly has powers always hides in some mountain that youve never heard of and cant possibly ever reach. All demonstrations of supernatural powers have weird cuts when being filmed and are far easier to explain by tricks than magick.
Oh, of course…99,9% are charlatans, but the 0,1% are so exalted that they dont need to show off.
What the actual fuck? Everyone who ever does anything great ALWAYS shows off. Athletes compete in prestigeous tournaments, scientists try to become published by prestigeous magazines, musicians and actors strife for fame. In fact, the need to show off is so hard wired to us humans that we REGULARLY CHEAT TO EVEN BE NOTICED. But the dude who can lift a mountain with his mind is above that because…why exactly?
Members of balg report of their successes all the time. Are they mere peasants in the eye of the great masters? Merely children who, due to their inflated pride, dare to share success and spur on others? What idiots they are.

Did they even have success? Maybe they just talked to imposters who, despite their supposed powerlessness, seem to be able to talk to magickians way more often than those all powerful gods.
Is magick merely a sophisticated form of psychology?
Thus far I didnt have any experience to suggest otherwise. Yet I still believe in it. Why???
Maybe Im wasting my life away…I guess at worst Ive learned about this sophisticated psychology system…but why do others have, supposedly, so much clearer communication? So much more undeniable experiences? So much more conviction?
Or are they just blinded by their own need to believe? Are they caught up in a sunken cost fallacy aswell?

I just want to look back at this text one day and say “now I know better”. Whether that means that I finally had this undeniable experience or whether that means that I have realized that I was trapped in a believe system due to psychological needs.
I just want this uncertainty to end.

[Chriss]

How Ronwe saved my ass while learning for the most important test in my life

So, this might be a bit of a weird entry considering that I just expressed my scepticism about the occult as a whole, but I guess thats just a part of the path. Anyway.

If you´ve been following this journal for some time you´ll probably know that I used to use a bunch of drugs and had basically reached a point where my psyche was completely annihilated. Suffice to say it wasn´t fun times. I just wanted to mention that here again because it goes to show how steep of a climb Ive been on for the last years.
After years of therapy, a stay at a mental health clinic and lots and lots and lots of willpower, setbacks and small successes here and there, I finally reached a point where I realized my original goal I had since I was a young teen: becoming a psychologist.
I had been applying for a spot at universities in my country of birth (Germany) but since we have a really rough system that only takes into account your grade at the end of school, I was fucked. In Germany we have grades ranging from 1 to 6, where 1 is the best and 6 is the worst. If you wanted a spot at university to study psychology you needed to have a 1. If you were willing to wait a few years you´d probably have a chance with like up to a 1,7 maybe a bit more depending on the university. I hated school a lot so I was sitting at a 3,2 and obviously I never got accepted. I knew I had to move to Austria where, instead of looking at your school grades, they have you write a very challenging test and those who score best on that test get accepted into university.
Please keep in mind that I wasted the last 10 years doing drugs and trying to recover from this, I wasn´t…that good at learning anymore (read: shit). But I wanted this and so I sat my ass down to learn as soon as the learning material got released. 4 months before the test. I did learn almost every day, taking a few breaks here and there, but it was insanely hard for me to sit down for a long period of time. I learned between 5-30 minutes each day, reading only 2-5 pages a day.
I knew it was going to be hard for me, which is why I started early, but I hoped it would work out.
3 months I learned as best as I could but when I had that 1 month left I realized that I still wouldn´t cut it. I had summarized the whole script and could now focus on learning that summary by heart, but I just knew that 5-30 minutes a day wouldn´t cut it. While that did motivate to do more it also freaked me out. This is where Ronwe came in.

I had heard of Ronwe before many times and knew he was associated with knowledge and learning and the like. I even thought “oh thats interesting, I have to talk to this guy some time”, but I never really had enough reason to do so, so I never did. NOW I HAD A REASON.
I looked up different articles on Ronwe, tried to get a feeling for how he might be and finally sat down and prayed to him. I told him how important this is to me (VERY!!!) and how I NEED to pass that test. It seriously felt like a life or death thing because while I could´ve tried again the next year, I wasn´t sure if I had the motivation to do so after learning such a long time for a failed attempt. I kinda felt like I had to put it all on one card so to speak.
So I told Ronwe of my predicament, of how I did what I could do but how I feared it wouldn´t be enough. I asked him to help me.
Being the occult beginner that I am I didn´t really had any clear sign that my request was heard or even granted. I did however feel slightly better about myself because at the very very least, I had tried and asked for help.

The last month of learning my time spent learning and my (for lack of better word) productivity ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SKYROCKETED!!! Like…I seriously couldn´t believe it.
The sceptic in me “knew” that it was just the stress that made me do it, but I did stand up to that sceptic and pointed out that it was a fucking big coincidence that it happened right as I called on Ronwe. And I mean right then and there, at max it took like 2 days for me to start learning this hard but Im actually pretty sure it was less than 2 days.
I went from learning 5-30 minutes a day to at least an hour. Sometimes even 3 hours.
My summary was 96 DIN A4 pages which I LEARNED BY HEART in 1 month. I´m an intelligent person but I do ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SUCK at learning by heart.
It was insane. It was unreal.
I seriously couldn´t believe that I was doing that. But I did.
The day of the test came and I was the most nervous I had been in my entire life. I cried almost the entire morning just because of the nervousness.
When I sat down to write the test I prayed once again to Lucifer and Ronwe, then I wrote the test.
1100 people applied to this test. I placed 64.

HAIL RONWE! HAIL LUCIFER!
Ronwe, you are the best

If you need help learning: CALL. ON. RONWE!
Seriously.

[Chriss]

Another cross reference. This time it’s about one of my first successful attempts at magick and how Lucifer has been with me for years.
Here we go.

[Chriss]

Today I just want to show off the amazing creation of my friend. She made me a book of shadows, enjoy

[Chriss]

Another cross reference to a tip I´m proud I discovered on my own (with some help from Leviathan).

[Chriss]

Cross referencing my vampire ritual.