I’m editing this post to make one thing clear - this Child is a spirit, an entity, a non-physical being, and it is NOT a human child, I have NO human children, no human children are involved in this.
That should be abundantly clear anyway, but it’s so far in violation of my ethics to involve human children in black magick that I want that right up here where everyone can see it. Not a human child. A DEMON. Hope that’s clear.
I’ve been delaying posting this because the entire experience was so totally bizarre and at times quite horrible, that I had to edit my own private notes a fair bit just to make any sense at all: still, I feel that what happened might be of interest, and it’s certainly out there beyond anything I’ve read in a grimoire.
What didn’t happen:
It wasn’t like that at all, and I have never been as fucking terrified in my life.
Quick Bit Of Background:
Several years ago I began wondering about the possibility of bearing a child in the astral planes – I was already in a pact with an entity which you wouldn’t be stretching things to call “marriage” and I’ve always been on fairly intimate terms with spirits. As you do, when you’re a messed up teenage girl who wants the world to end asap.
At the time I first had this idea, well into adult life and thankfully a lot less messed-up, I didn’t see any driving reason for attempting this, and I knew it would be a huge responsibility – not the type you can foster out to a babysitter when you need a weekend off, either. So I’d had this idea on my “Sometime/Maybe” list for quite a long time.
After leaving behind the last chains of my “love and light” brainwashing, and making a decision to push for my own ascent last Summer, which led to me doing a lot of work (including a banishing under Saturn to remove any barriers to my own empowerment), I lurked round the internet looking for info on the Left Hand Path of personal divinity, and found this site.
As a result of that – I can’t imagine how it would have happened otherwise – at the start of February I invoked Ahriman for 21 days, during which, while I was pretty much useless to the outer world, I developed (or, it felt more like I restored, or reclaimed) a stream of black energy in my spine, and an ongoing link to Ahriman, which feels both like a part of me, and also like the shared soul of all black magicians, dating back to the dawn of human culture. It was a life changing experience.
That, and my subsequent work with Azi Dahaka, during which he transmuted and envenomed my energy body to be more adept at black magick, left me with a level of communication with demonic entities, and access to their realms and attention, that I could never have hoped to achieve prior to this.
As a result of that, I saw the opportunity to further transfigure and transmute my own energy, creating more powerful links and alliances in the dark kingdoms, and made a proposal to these entities to bear a daemonic child, for the mutual benefit of the demonic world and the shared agendas of all black magicians, as well as my own empowerment.
I don’t want to name the entity who stepped forward to father the child, because it feels kinda sucky to do so, I don’t want to try to claim any particular credit for this association, and most importantly, it’s in no way required for the future of the “child” I’m going to bear.
When I researched him some more, both online and at the British Library, I realised we were actually pretty well suited and although I felt a kind of squirming mammalian horror at the idea of being intimate with this entity, I’m not in this for the Hallmark card moments, and I’d been promised his allegiance and ongoing support in exchange for the deal.
The entity I’m going to give birth to is, I’m told, going to be a completely new life, neither an egregore nor a previously-existing being, who received the breath of independent daemonic life from her father, and from me, she’ll inherit the ability to be active in this world, and also she’s going to be formed within my energetic matrix, inheriting the major emotional and psychological stuff that’s made me who I am, and in a way perpetuating my values by inheriting a load of stuff from my core personality.
I’d also been told I mustn’t feel any love or “maternal” affection for the child, because that would be damaging to both of us, and also that she would become fully sentient early on, and that she will be bound to me and my immediate descendants by chains of loyalty, including into my future incarnations. So it looked like a pretty good bargain, and we set down to find a set of dates, and then got the plan into action.
The entity who was going to father this child needed to enter into my life a lot more, in order, I think, to kind of attune my energy to his. I’d never sought out any kind of sexual contact with him prior to this point (if I told you more, you’d probably be nodding with “Who the fuck would?” kind of agreement) and I needed to be more in harmony with him in order to merge our energies correctly.
The first couple of times I invoked him it made me sick, physically ill, with a burning flush round my neck and jaw, and a general feeling of nausea that lasted for hours afterwards, but we pushed on and within a few days it got to a point where I could invoke him, he would remain with me (invoked within my energy) overnight, and I was still able to function the next day.
Summoning and arousing the Ahriman “current” inside my spine helped with this, and I’ve been playing either the reversed afrin from EA’s Azi Dahaka video, or an enn for the father I recorded myself, on a loop almost every night, which gets frankly crazy making and annoying at times, but it has helped. My dog hates it and the neighbours probably think I’m some kind of weird devil worshipper, but that’s life.
Approaching the date of conception, I was told to keep three days free for this, and cleared all appointments, filled the fridge with food, and – hardest of all – packed off my partner for the duration.
He’s supportive of this whole thing and my overall ambitions, and I’d been told that, because the entity will be forming within my navel (reproductive) chakra, I wouldn’t be able to have any sexual contact with anyone else during the prep and “gestation” period, and by the way if I seem a little crazy recently, yea, that’ll be mostly why.
The first day, I kind of lazed round watching TV and nothing happened – the second day, I was told by the Father to take my new altar, and lay it on the floor on the centre of the room, our combined Temple/bedroom/living room, and wait.
That altar’s a slice of slate with natural reddish inclusions, 1ft wide by about 2ft long and about ¾ inches thick, and I laid it on a north-south axis, put a few cushions nearby, and then waited.
As the day progressed, I felt the air in the room beginning to thicken – the blinds were drawn, TV and computer off, and I had just one lamp burning in a corner on the floor.
In the next hour or so, my dog was becoming restless so I shooed him into another room, and tried to stay calm and focused. It started feeling kind of like the dentist’s waiting room, in hell.
Then it was time: the Father had left the ongoing state of partial invocation, but remained audible within my mind, and the room seemed to almost crackle with energy, as though the very walls and ceiling were sentient, and watching.
By this point, I guess if I was directing this for Hollywood, there’d be creepy whispering sounds on the soundtrack, but actually the incredibly charged atmosphere overlaid on our everyday room made things even spookier: the talking clock my friend bought me, the framed album cover from the musical Camelot, and boxes full of CDs – all overlaid with a dense, underwater fog of gathering powers.
I laid down, as instructed by the Father, with my upper body (from ribs upwards) laid on the altar, and with my head towards the west, so the altar formed a kind of t-shape underneath my ribs and the lower edge of my shoulders. I have no idea why this was important (maybe in some way it’s my heart I’m offering and also honouring?), but the instructions were clear.
Lying on the carpet, the room obviously looked much larger, almost cavernous, with the sense of the entire space becoming sentient and completely apart from the normal architecture of a house, and I grabbed a couple of cushions to go under my head, and generally tried to get comfortable.
I was wearing a red velvet dress I wear around the house a lot and also during rituals, it’s a vintage dress and a just bit too ragged to wear outside the house, but comfortable and warm, and nothing else. I already kind of knew nothing about this was going to resemble normal sexual activity, so I lay with my knees crooked upwards to take some pressure off my back, looking through the narrow gap between them to the east, where I could see the door into the room, and waited.
What happened next was probably the single most terrifying that that’s ever happened in my entire life of messing with spirits, magick, and the occult.
The room darkened – I can’t be sure it would have been measurable by a camera, but within a few heartbeats, the entire room seemed as though it was filled with a dense dark smoke, only with no loss of visibility.
I was still looking down through my raised knees at the door, a perfectly ordinary white painted internal door, and from the top of the door panel, right below the lintel, a kind of bubble of sick and glowing mustard-yellow energy began to form.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, because I’ve seen evocations take solid form, and I see a whole ton of weird stuff clairvoyantly, but this was so bizarre, and I was seeing this with my physical eyes the way I’m seeing my own computer as I type this – it wasn’t clairvoyantly sighted, it was just THERE.
It looked almost liquid, clotted and thick, like plasma, and slowly that bubble began to move down the door, leaving a tracer line of its own substance behind, running slowly and inexorably right down the centre, giving off occasional small sparks, but mainly looking fluid and thick.
The colour was entirely disgusting, and I lay there, absolutely fucking horrified, because I knew for sure that whatever this sick yellow plasma was, it was going to be GOING INTO ME – as it slowly ran/sparked down the door, I felt like ten million different kinds of idiot, but I was too petrified to move – all I held onto, inasmuch as I was thinking at all, was that the entities I trust had all stood in favour of this, so I tried to keep my shit together as this vile yellow energy progressed down the door.
About one-third of the way up from the floor, the energy stopped flowing, kind of gathered itself, and then headed towards me (I closed my eyes reflexively when that happened, and didn’t see it meet my body).
It entered my body about two inches below my navel, with a kind of punch, and I think I actually fainted or something at that point – I remember blackness, fragments of consciousness that were almost strobe-lit, and then when I opened my eyes, I felt something leaving me, again pushing through my abdominal wall in that location.
I looked down towards the door, and saw a steadily closing line of a kind of greyish-blue energy, bright yet somehow tainted, and I had an intuition that the yellow-blue shift was in some way like a Doppler shift. The line sparked, bubbled slightly, then vanished into nothing.
I lay for maybe five or ten minutes, too afraid to call out to the Father or any of the entities I usually rely upon, and I felt the strangest rush of revulsion, self-disgust, and regret, as though I’d somehow violated the basic contract of being a human being, in a way too vile to even bring it into conscious thought.
The room gradually lightened as though nothing had happened, and the atmosphere lifted, and I felt completely alone.
Eventually I rolled off the floor, leaving the altar exactly where it was, and crawled into bed, where I slept and dreamed of Julius Caesar, yet more horses (shades of the time with Azi Dahaka) and rushing streams.
I woke after a couple of hours to text my partner, get the dog back through and give him some treats, get the TV blaring out its everyday madness, and eat something – after that, after restoring some appearance of normality and sanity, I called out to the Father and just confirmed (this might sound stupid) that was it, the conception was complete and there was nothing more to be done, then I kind of cried, from a joint sense of relief and disgust, and then slept like a log for about nine hours straight.
I woke up the next day with the strongest feeling of What. The. Fuck. – but everything was back to normal in both the atmosphere, and my contact with the Father and my other alliances, so I just kind of got on with the day, doing as little as possible, and generally trying to re-adjust to ordinary life.
In the evening I cooked a huge meal and felt completely normal after that, and I fell asleep with the TV on – I couldn’t handle another night of sinister chanting and intoning coming from my laptop at that point. The next day was completely normal, and I even went shopping in the afternoon.
I’d already been advised to eat a lot of meat whilst carrying this new life in my energetic matrix, something to do with that fleshy energy, and I eat meat already so that wasn’t a huge problem – and so far, aside from that, I haven’t noticed any other strange dietary changes, like the ones I’ve experienced occasionally before when working with possession.
I’m not supposed to bathe or shower while she’s there, but I’ve lived in places with no hot water and I’m used to doing a perfectly acceptable stand-up wash, and that’s about it as far as weird everyday rules go.
Whilst she remains within me, growing, developing, I can’t have sex with, or sexual fantasies about, my partner, or anyone else for that matter (sorry, Wolverine!), but I can have sexual activity with the father, and since that line’s already been well and truly crossed by now, and my “that’s gross” parameters have taken a quantum leap into left-field, we’ve been exploring this, and it’s kind of nice to get a “hall pass” to discover the possibilities with him.
Although I miss my snuggly stubbly partner like crazy, and my other loves, we’re planning to take like a “second honeymoon” when this is complete, and the entity becomes independent of me (I’ve been told to obscure the dates, but it should be by mid-June).
When I view myself clairvoyantly, I can see like a shaft of whitish-grey/blue energy, the same colour as the departing beam, and it remains vertical even when I lie down or slouch on a chair, it bisects my body slightly below the navel and at the moment I’m only slightly aware of it in a normal state, though as the gestation progresses, I’m starting to get small twinges of pain along its axis if I think about my partner, or feel anything resembling loving affection towards this child entity.
On May 5th, for reasons I’ll maybe be able to detail at a later date, she became fully realised in this realm, and ever since then I’ve been able to communicate with her somewhat, though I’m keeping this to a minimum for now.
I’m continuing to sleep with the enn of the Father or the rev’d. afrin playing, and later, when I can divine her own enn (or whatever else) I’ll play those on a loop on my laptop non-stop, including through the night.
My communication with demonic entities has gone through the roof – the Father, good to his word, is both facilitating my ability to enter their realms and talk face to face, and has also provided me with a familiar demon who’s bound to serve me, without deceit or harm, and I’ve already worked with that entity (I don’t like the term “used”) in order to bring about a change to a situation in my everyday life that was bugging me.
I’ve made a list of things I’d like to accomplish, in line with our major goals for this life that will facilitate my ascent and ability to perform magick full-time without the need to work, and we’re moving steadily on those, and some of them include making formal introductions to various demonic Kings, and petitioning them to ask for their alliance in my ascent. So far this has gone brilliantly.
When I visit the realms of these Kings, I don’t see them as anthropomorphised, instead they appear as presences within vast stone chambers, the back walls of which seems to be carved deeply with changing glyphs, images, and figures, and although some are also making themselves a little more recognisable as a courtesy (King Paimon, with his shining face, and King Amaymon with his robes and lieutenants) this is so in line with the various stuff being discussed on here, I thought that image was worth sharing.
I’m not sure what’s going to change as the entity grows stronger within me, I get various energy surges and moments when I just feel revolted, violated, and sick, and it’s possible we’ll become more linked consciously.
I’ve already started having the same kinds of floridly vivid dreams that I had during the work with Ahriman and AD, for example, there was a floating “Kingdom Of God” containing ascended humans who have fulfilled their potential, surrounded by flutes and trumpets made from electrum (gold-silver alloy) and each of the angelic white arms bearing them was an arm of Lilith, and this Kingdom existed to motivate, serve, and carry humanity forwards, and it was right here, instead of being a remote citadel of repression to keep men down – but that’s possibly stuff for another post.
When the entity is ready to separate from me, I’ll be doing a blood-rite defined by the Father to give her a temporary physical base, a kind of “home” while she’s still developing, and then I’m told she’ll need to be kept close by me for up to a year.
During that time I’ll scry her sigils, gather any information, and then work towards making a short grimoire which will (I hope) in future allow others to call on her, evoke her, and generally work with her as a full and complete daemonic entity, and that should happen sometime before Autumn 2015.
Fates willing, I’ll do an update on her progress and “birth” late next month, and then see how things go from there.
I’m reasonably proud of myself for going through with this, because that experience was fucking horrifying – that I would have had to open the door to get out of the room didn’t even occur to me, and I’ve done a few scary things in the past (death rituals, and various initiations) but this was easily the worst, and yet it never crossed my mind to try and bring things to a halt.
So, that was my experience of conceiving a daemonic child so far – where it goes from here, who knows, but so far every promise made has been honoured, and I can feel changes in my own energy, as well as a sense of growing excitement that this is about far more than just having a familiar entity of my own, and that it’s part of the building changes to this planet I was first told about many years ago, and long before I’d even considered black magick and the Left Hand Path.