This could be a ‘short’ Journal of mine, which started long weeks (months) ago,
without I would realize anything from the situation and signs.
Apr 15 - As I’ve already wrote about, my relationship with Sitri started in an interesting way. His name suddenly kicked open my mind’s door but thankfully by my inner self-problems (as He revealed it before me), He was a very obnoxious Deity to me. This was the reason (but not the only one, however I didn’t knew it at those times)
Then He showed up two times to me within 2 days.
At first time He showed up during my orgasm (Apr 14.), while I’ve had sex with an another Deity. He get my attention with it - He knew I won’t leave it without finding out the reason, why.
At the second time everything hit a new level and ‘difficulty’.
Check out the post if you want to know more about the details from Apr 15:
Thread above in short: He appeared before me in an indescribably erotic way, and because of it my first thought was that this is a ‘test’ from Him or something else, but the things are changed very fast, and our discussion became far more interesting. His words still swirls in mind mind.
These was wonderful advices of His, to me:
Ask yourself, where came your emotions and thoughts came when you’ve heard about me based on other’s experiences ?
― [I’ve answered to Him]
Your self-confidence is not as strong as you might think, show, or as big as it should be . Too many times you feels that you’ve must prove your achievements, your powers, your your internal value to others . Even when they’re doesn’t interested in about to questioned it.
These are yours ! You own them , and no one can take them away from you . You don’t have to start a fight against people for something what is already yours.
What you’ve heard about me, these stories are came from people who are stucked in a far more lower level. And even in this situation your destructive feelings have risen, and you felt that you have to fight me and everything what We’re both represent, just because you’ve know these from completely different persons, from different levels, with different powers and personality. Open your eyes, Darling. I am not your enemy. They aren’t your enemy, and you are not your enemy !
Sadly, I was too doubtful and prejudiced, which leads to the bitter fact, that I’ve continued handle Him in that way how most people did based on their experiences and descriptions. It was a big mistake from me, but at this time I didn’t realize it and noticed my false thoughts (or I didn’t wanted to?).
Did I handle Him disrespectful?
I’ve never wanted to, and I don’t think, but no doubt, I was too blind.
Our relationship after this, became something like an… only sex partner thing with some extra advices or sweettalks. Or at least, I thought it in this way…
He showed up always so sudden, and sometimes He asked me to sleep with His Sigil.
I always able to feel Entities around me even in the bed.
(It became more intense more than two years ago)
So at several times He stayed with me instead of Lucifer. I’ve heard Him talking to me, hugging me, kissing me. His warm ‘body’, laying thigh against my own Every time He slept with me, my last voices in my head was His. Always His, and He didn’t stopped talking to me and bill me until I fell asleep.
But I was blind, and still thought that this is nothing more or deeper just sex, beauty and joy (with some extra amount of ability and sense development).
Then it something else happened.
I had sex with Lucifer and Sitri in the same time.
It has never happened before. I was absolutly confused but then I… still continued ignoring everything and thought that this isn’t something serious just sex:
because This is Sitri.
Why would He want anything more or deeper?
He just doing this for pleasure and energies, then flies away.
I should notice that Lucifer… why would He let this happens anyway? In the same time, it was also suspicious and contradictory. He was always a big protector of mine from everything, why would He assissts in this (after this I’ve simply accepted the answer: it was just a good chance to all of Us to taste an extremely intense energy raise and so much more, Together).
The time has passed, and weeks ago Sitri showed up again, now via meditation, while I’ve on an Astral travelling.
The way how He approached me was very passionate, alluring and powerful enough sexually, but I wanted to be done with my job out there, so I’ve tried to fight against my desires, and against Him. It was very painful to me because I love Him and I’m a very sexual person, we had some memorable acts before, and I do not wanted to hurt Him in this way.
But I did. I’ve raised a black shield in the space around me - it was like an explosion -, was cold and empty, filled with darkness…void; it helped me to be able to talk without desires and blazing emotions, and asked Him to let me do what I’ve started.
I’ve pushed Him away from myself at this time the way how I’ve already regretted in that moment after He treathened me and left. Not because His threat, but because I was so raw and… He doesn’t deserved the way how I handled Him, at all.
Two days later, He showed up again
We had sex, but it wasn’t as violent how He referred to it will. He was absolutely Dominant (much dominant than befure) but He wasn’t rough with me at all, which is surprised me. I’ve asked about His threat, then He answered:
Oh. I didn’t forget about it. You’ll get what’s coming, my Love.
I’ve took a deep breath, then He disappeared with a cunning grin on His satisfied, beautiful face.
In the last week I was unable to escape from Him. His name… His appearance… His very being popped up in my head almost without any break.
He appeared again at that day. We had a very long, intense and passionate sex, filled with kisses, hugs and delicate bites. I knew that His plan is: staying with me as He did before. After the act, I’ve layed between His legs, in His warm and gentle embrace. Then He suddenly whispered to me:
I want a beautiful Child from you.
I was completely shocked, and asked back.
I was sure that this is nothing more just a joke or something else.
Maybe He was confuse me with this.
But He just smiled lightly, and repeated Himself.
I want you to give birth our Spirit Child, Dear.
I’ve started complaining about my thoughts, Lucifer and so on, but He ignored those, seemingly.
We discussed about this a bit, but… I was too shocked and confused.
The first thing what I wanted to do in that moments, to “ran” and ask Lucifer about this whole sentence.
But Sitri told me that I’ll take my time later, now I have to sleep.
After I woke up, I’ve asked Lucifer about this, who adviced me to try to remember back and searching for the signs. Not only in Sitri’s words, but every other Deities’ words in the last months, and I’ll find the answer. He also adviced that (I should learn) that if I want to know something about X Deity, I should ask Him, and not Y or Z, for this is Our ‘bussiness’
This day was extremely long and filled
with questions, emotions and recognitions.
I’ve quote some of His words:
― Every time when I’ve visited to you, I’ve left signs. Normally you’ve notice everything, don’t you? These are was clear to opened eyes like yours, but you closed them.
― What did you thought? Why am I visited to you when I’ve felt your contemptuous, false thoughts about me, which are not least, caused a lot of issues in your life, anyway?
You thought you accepted my advices but it wasn’t true. You’ve still continued the fight against others, the fights inside you. Your ego grows feeded by your anger, and while you did this, you continued thinking the same way about me. This was the reason why you was unable to understand this connection between Us.
You’ve felt this connection. But you wasn’t able to describe it. You don’t wanted to know it. It was already enough to you.
The only being here, who thought that this relationship is nothing more just sex - it was only you. You wanted this. You formed this image about me, because you accepted everything what you wanted. Ask yourself, why?
Why am I threatened you? It was a mistake. But for you, a useful one.
It is, strange. I had to tell to you that sentence (“I want a beautiful Child from you.”) forcing you to finally to start thinking upon Us.
It wasn’t a lie. I’ve never lied to you.
After long hours, I’ve finally understand even this:
Oh. I didn’t forget about it. You’ll get what’s coming, my Love.
( Our discussion took a day long, with breaks by external influences )
Checking back what I’ve wrote here… is clearly nothing to that what happened between Us (but I’ve permission to share only these). He taught me a very hard, important lessons again. He showed to me my inner “demons”.
We have a lot of in commons.
But I was too selfish. I’ve ignored Him, and I’ve focused
that side of His what people usually saw… Ignored all of His attempts.
And now… I’m understand why I’m felt that connection between us so… difficult to describe.
I felt it clearly, but I was blind enought to understand.
There are ‘unseen’ problems inside me left, and still…
My ego still push me to fight against those who questioning me, and sometimes I’m about to built false images about Them or the truth, just because other’s words. But I don’t have to.
This is who I am. This is how my Bloodline grows and my Godself, from Ancient Times and forward.
…I know that They are here to me.
I have to grow up, in every part of me, so my ego, too.
Three months ago, Abaddon gave you The Key,
and from that point, the Empire is opened for you. Again.
I need more days to overcome my thoughts. My guilt.
As I’ve told You, Sitri… months ago: You are Fantastic, a Wonderful Being!
But today I tell You this: with opened eyes, finally.
Forgive me, once again,
and let’s start a new Chapter in our Journal.