I’m editing this post to make one thing clear - this Child is a spirit, an entity, a non-physical being, and it is NOT a human child, I have NO human children, no human children are involved in this.
That should be abundantly clear from the post and illustration of the birth but it’s so far in violation of my ethics to involve human children in black magick that I want that right up here where everyone can see it. Not a human child. A DEMON. Hope that’s clear.
Long (2-part) post alert. Apologies – this just was not a soundbite compatible event, and I wanted to attempt to do this experience justice, and not selectively edit it down to just the “cool” stuff.
Ups And Downs
In the final week I was becoming increasingly stressed and impatient for the birth – as you may expect, having an entity actually living within me, growing in power and consciousness, was affecting my thought processes quite a lot by the end of the “gestation,” and I had severe mood swings, raging from furious killing anger to jubilant exhileration, and straight back again – often within the same hour. Or, minute.
Along with that, I also had a few spells of feeling utter despair, the kind that used to hit me at the lowest points in my former (aka pre-Black Fucking Magick) days, when I suffered from clinical depression which had resisted every conventional treatment thrown at it. The kind where anything seems preferable to taking another breath.
I knew that part of the “inheritance” for the entity was, basically, everything that had made me who I am, some of which is some pretty dreadful stuff (and who doesn’t have that?) and throughout it all I just stayed focused on pushing my consciousness into the feeling, however bleak, and checking in with both the child and the father that everything was going as it should.
Before committing to this, I’d made the assessment that I was psychologically stable enough, now that I’m freed from depression, for whatever it was going to bring; although the moods were real, dense, lived experiences, I also had the foundations and the ambitions in place that helped me keep that stuff in perspective.
So it was cool, and I more or less kept my shit together, but I could feel its awareness inside my mind, at odd times of the day, bringing back memories as though they happened yesterday, and I slept a LOT towards the end: that, plus not wanting to go out for various reasons, meant I actually gained a few pounds, in a bizarre parody of the normal processes of baby-making.
I don’t usually have poltergiest activity going on, but that had begun to happen – things being moved, or going missing only to turn up in places I would never have put them; sounds, bumps, shadows flitting away in the corner of my eye, and bright flashes of the dirty white light I’d seen towards the end of the conception.
To add to the chaos, I was missing my human partner, regular sexual activity (because I’d been warned to avoid any sexual contact with any being other than the father, which also prohibited any kind of sexual fantasies, or masturbation), and I was missing anything approaching a normal life, so towards the end I was just desperate for the entity to seperate out, and base itself in the vessel I’d prepared.
I’m obscuring the precise date and time of birth, as requested by the father – it’s not even written in my own notes. The birth was, anyway, more of a process than an event, lasting over 24 hours, and it began with an increasing sensation of energy disturbance in my lower abdomen, a combined feeling of both pressure and vacuum, between the area just underneath my navel and the corresponding point on my spine.
I’d been tired for several days, sleeping in patches off and on for maybe up to 16 hours in any 24, and when I checked in with the father about this new feeling, he told me the birth, the final seperation of the entity from my own energy, was beginning.
Viewed clairvoyantly, the vertical pillar of energy I’d seen before that bisected my lower abdomen was gone, and in its place I could see first a mass of white energy (but with that strange grey-blue tinge) forming into a kind of oval shape within my own body. Somewhat like a head.
At this point I placed the piece of virgin calfskin I’d bought to be the entity’s initial physical “base” inside my underpants, in the manner of a sanitary napkin, as instructed, and waited.
As the time moved on, slowly this image I was seeing became the entire upper body of a being protruding from the centre of my pelvis, initially feminine in form and shape, and able to communicate somewhat with me, but only clairaudiently. It kind of looked like this: (update 2018 - image link is broken, I cannot be arsed to re-up it, sorry)
Because I hadn’t been told the specific date to expect this, it happened that I’d run out of fresh milk and veg, so once again I was in the weird position of having to go grocery shopping halfway through something fairly profound, this time round with this entity half outside my body and inverted, which the father assured me wouldn’t harm either of us in any way.
But even so, I was terrified by the possibility of running into some kind of crusading white-light psychic “exorcist” who’d try to “rescue” me from what must have looked like some kind of fucking abomination of a demonic possession.
Of all the things to think about in the middle of a working, this one really sucked in terms of the tediousness-to-risk ratio, but I figured there might be some reason for it (or maybe I just need to get a whole lot better at planning) – anyway, I was really hungry, so got dressed and headed out to the shop.
Luckily I managed to restock and get home without any problems, then it was just a waiting game – I rested, with the room darkened and the TV off, and making the odd kitchen run to get something to eat or a treat for the dog. He was acting weird, very subdued and nervous, so while I think the psychic abilities of dogs can be over-rated, I eventually shut him out back with his bed and toys and chews for a bit, because whatever he was seeing, it wasn’t making him happy.
I drifted into another sleepy patch and woke with violent cramping, more like stabbing pains, in my uterus. My menstrual period wasn’t due, but when I got up I noticed there was blood, only a reasonably small amount and very bright red, on the calfskin – this was something I’d been told would happen, but I’d been frankly a bit skeptical – I don’t use the pill, and don’t usually have “break through” bleeding or spotting or anything else of that kind, nor had I been doing anything that could have caused that bit of my body to suddenly bleed.
Nonetheless the blood was right there, and after getting a couple more hours’ sleep, I was woken by a kind of roiling, twisting feeling, this time running right through me from head to toe.
Clairvoyantly, the entity that had previously been white-ish and very soft and muted had taken on an altogether more archetypally “demonic” shape – darker, with what looked awfully like horns, broad squared-off shoulders, and the “voice” I heard clairvoyantly when I communicated with it had deepened, almost to Hollywood-movie style slurred, slowed tones that sounded nothing like a human voice at all.
The next 3 or 4 hours were bad – fuck knows what my energy body and chakras were going through (I stopped looking) and my pulse was racing, with the blood pounding in my ears.
The closest thing I can compare it to was the horrible mental and physical state that you get with a really bad alcohol hangover – the acetone and other toxins sloshing round every blood vessel as your body breaks down the drink, combined with the scrapingly raw sensation created by withdrawal from a CNS depressant – it was just plain nasty, like being sandpapered at a cellular level, and once again the feeling I’d had during the conception, that I was violating the basic contract of human life in some dreadful way, was at the forefront of my mind.
I spent ages just lying there, kind of rocking myself (another parody of normal childbirth) and breathing way too fast, and pretty much feeling fucked. Both the father and other entities I trust were close by, and that helped me to keep focused and deal with the dramatic energy shifts.
At one point I set up my laptop to play the reversed afrin I’d been playing almost non-stop since the conception, but it freaked me out –that afrin somehow resonates with the Ahriman current in my spine, which is normally a good thing, and has been helpful throughout the “pregnancy” but at this late point, with so much of the entity present and moving out through my own body, it was as repugnant as the idea of trying to have sex whilst actually in the delivery stage of labour – like an unnatural forcing of external energy where it didn’t need to go, where there was no ROOM for it to go.
Towards the end of the delivery, I was aware, vaguely, of a sort of superstitious, moralistic warning along the lines of “You’re going to die for this” resonating in my mind, but I pushed that aside and focused on remaining open and allowing whatever needed to happen, to do so, without trying to categorise it or give in to any kind of brainwashed fear.
Finally, after maybe four hours of total unpleasantness on every level, I felt a simultaneous tearing sensation, inside my core body mass, and also a sudden INCREDIBLE sense of relief – of rightness, cleanliness, wholeness, and a whole load of good emotions that had slowly drained away unnoticed as the entity had developed.
My daemonic child had been born, and my mind, body, and soul were entirely my own again. It was easily one of the best feelings I’ve EVER experienced.