Ana/Haqqiah meditation. I suppose that my Sahasrara meditation two days ago and my unlocking session with Qadim yesterday did something.
Here is the excerpt from yesterdays session:
While reciting “Hu” and breathing into the lemniscate pattern, the violet light returned into my head. It formed itself from a shapeless and weightless light into a solid violet plate. This plate shoved itself down from my scalp right into my brain and in front of my eyes. Quite a bit like one of these old Bundeswehr flashlights, the ones with the colour filter plates that one had to push up in front of the bulb. I opened my eyes and instead of my environment I could see a fountain, with the violet filter in front of me. My forehead felt numb, my eyes burned a little.
When I closed my eyes again the scenery changed into a different room; I wasn’t alone anymore. I could see the white outlines of three other persons sitting with me in a small circle, meditating with me. I couldn’t hold the vision.
My forehead is still numb and I can’t move my eyebrows.
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Akhfa/Ikhfa meditation.
I actually fell asleep during that one. Nothing too unusual, but this time my upper body stayed upright, as if it was pulled up by an invisible string. In addition, there was also the sensation of something sturdy supporting my upper back from behind, like a wall. I snoozed for about four minutes before I woke up, still in position.
No wild visualizations during the accidental nap, only the vague vision about green cloth.
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Khafi meditation, I am finding that something seems to “guide” my body posture while doing these meditations.
This time I have the impression that two hands are pulling my head down to my chest and towards the ground, in an effortless yet firm way. My head stays like this; it doesn’t hang around, it doesn’t tense up, it feels as if an invisible weight is holding my head in place. No struggle. Over time it feels as if my body is turned upside down, with a delicious gravitation towards the floor; as if I was grounding myself headfirst. The whole procedure indeed feels as if I was grounding myself from the top of my head.
With my forehead somewhat facing my chest I would think that the physical locations of this subtlety wish to connect to each other during this meditation. It is the second time that both locations are not only activated but also connected 
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Overall results while working with the Lataif points:
two energetic serpent-like “streams” did their very best to get all the way up inside of my body. Unfortunately they got tangled into another right in the mid section of my back and stayed like this for a while before subsiding. I could feel the colours of each stream; each of them had a mind of its own, like a separate living being.
Separation seems to be one of the main motifs, in this case.
A-ha!
From my unlocking with Thu’ban:
He mentioned the triangle quite some time after I discovered the section mentioned above.
Now I do wonder if my cannibalistic tendencies while dreaming comes from the inner urge to overcome the separation motif. Devouring, usurping, becoming one, etc.
I want flashy and corny and extra-ish findings, not this piece of lukewarm self realization.
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Akhfa/Ikhfa meditation:
My heart hurts. Not emotionally. The pain then is replaced by the sensation of a green tree growing inside of my heart, the branches are puncturing the heart muscle and the tissue of my lungs and the shoulder blades, pushing their way all up into my brain and beyond.
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From out of all the Lataif I have basically avoided one, so far.
The Qalb, ironically the heart of everything, so to speak. I have put the cart before the horse with ditching this one, while taking care of all the other points. I am pretty sure that one is supposed to work with the Qalb before paying attention to the other ones (at least from what I could gather and understand). It is supposedly experienced in the left side of the chest, with the colours yellow or red attributed to it. It seems to keep the true ego of ones nature hidden inside of it (there is also room for some sort of spiritual obedience inside of this organ, according to some sources).
The whole heart thing is a story of its own that doesn’t quite belong here. For now it must suffice that this point - from an energetic perspective- is nothing but an acquaintance, compared to all of the other ones. Nonetheless I decided to have a look at this Latifah, partly because I was curious and partly because I’ve wanted to get it done.
My first conscious experience was as disappointing and sobering as it could be.
It felt as if my heart did not move; maybe the top part of it did something, with a lot of interpretational goodwill. Other than that I’ve experienced it in the same manner as how I’ve left it: unmoved, unbothered, with the same ardour as a bag of frosted vegetables.
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I’ve started to play around with different names of Allah while meditating on different lataif points. I have overall started to utilize the names of Allah in my other more tangible workings as well but this is by now highly experimental and in its early stages.
For my last Ruhi session I used Ya Sami’, as I’d like to polish all clairs (or “prophetic inner vision”) with it. As-Sami’ is the “All hearer” and I would therefore connect it to Clairaudience 
I could see an old gramophone sitting inside my heart. It connected itself through thick metal pipes towards both of my ears; the gramophone remained silent but something started to pull at the winding handle The meditation faded out into tiny white lights inside my head.
Notes for further Ruhi sessions: Ya Sami (Clairaudience), Ya Shahid (outer world knowledge perceived by all five senses, so probably all clairs?), Ya Khabir (inner world knowledge, maybe combined with Ya Shahid would lead to some sort of omniscience perception), Ya Nur (enlightment? Claircognizance?) and Ya Basir (Clairvoyance).
Edit: Ya Muta’ali for transcendence, as well.
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I had an oddly specific dream after working on this Lataif point. I was dreaming about my father and especially about his random fits of rage and anger. He would become a role model of why I would feel forever unsafe in the presence of a certain kind of people. I would “inherit” his rage and it would take me years to break out of this cycle.
In this dream I was consciously leaving him behind, telling him that I am refusing him and his ways and all of the other similar tempered men and their ways. I felt rather emotional after waking up, but also free.
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Tried my hand on Ruhi again, this time with Ya Basir, to basically…see everything all at once? Not just the things that already exist but the things that don’t exist, things that are about to come into existence and things that are about to fall out of existence and things that were never meant to exist in the first place. I guess thats what you long for when you are a sucker for details.
The meditation showed me the opposite of a scrying mirror. I gazed onto the opaqueness of a white and smooth surface. And for some reason I could see, through the brightness. The images weren’t inside of the surface but on top of it. Light blue and dark grey shadows, forming into shapes.
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Khafi/Khafiya meditation with the help of “Ya 'Adl”, the balancer of everything.
A pleasant and tingly and lightweight sensation around my entire upper head, the section just above the bridge of my nose. Its such a pleasantly strange feeling, as if that part of my head would receive a warm blanket, a warm bath or a gentle embrace. My forehead is so relaxed that I can’t move my eyebrows.
The visuals: a plain checkers board. Every playing stone gets eliminated from the board, slowly and without haste. Piece by piece. Until only two stones remain on the board, each belonging to its respective side.
Notes for further Khafiya sessions: Ya ‘Adl (complete balance), Ya Mubdi’ (creativity and the initial “spark”), Ya Khaliq (for creating, making, acting, using all possibilities), Ya Wali (to turn away from anger), Ya Fattah (to clear the way of any obstacles), Ya Zahir (to fully manifest), Ya Mu’akhkhir (to end what has been already started), Ya Muntaqim (against the cycle of revenge), Ya Mani’ (against acting out of anger), Ya Mutakabbir (to push constantly beyond any limitations), Ya Matin (for the strength to keep on going), Ya Halim (against anger) and Ya Salam (peace).
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Shaking off some dust that has settled on my shoulders while I was in full research mode.
Notes for further Ana/Haqqiah sessions and I am not disappointed with what I came up with, considering the sparse informations about it:
Ya Warith (to die before you die, ego death), Ya Ba’ith (shaking off the slumber imposed on the heart), Ya Haqq (getting straight into the “heart of the night”, shadow work), Ya Mudhill (facing the lower self, shadow work), Ya Rafi (transcending and overcoming the lower self), Ya Mu’izz and Ya ‘Aliyy (severing attachments to reputation), Ya Mumit (fana, dissolving of the ego self), Ya Badi’ (turning away from the egos need to impose subjective truth onto others), Ya Latif (of course! Smoothing the edges of the ego), Ya Ra’uf (cutting ties with the perception of the ego-selfs “not enough”), Ya Shakur (overcoming the ego-self of the outside world), Ya Karim (penetrating the ego core), Ya Quddus (purifying the ego-self to let go of attachments that keeps one away from truly intimate union), Ya Tawwab (parting the ego-self from old wounds) and Ya Jami’ (purifying the Nafs).
Thats quite an amount of names to choose from, if I might say so.
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Ana/Haqqiah meditation with the help of Ya Rafi (transcending and overcoming the lower self).
The visuals: I am standing in a dark cave, in front of a black stone wall. The stone wall is decorated by seven clear crystals, lined up on a black string. I acknowledge that these beautiful crystals need to go, even if I’d like the black stone wall better with them. I pull them off, letting them fall to the ground. I stretch my hand out to the wall in front of me; it feels cold and water is running in slow streams from the top to the ground. I recite Ya Rafi while tracing a lemniscate with the palm of my hand onto the surface. The water flows from the bottom up to the top of the stone wall until it stops completely. I am left with a dry and now warm stone wall that seems to have a pulse.
Getting out of the meditation, I am left with the feeling that I want to cry.
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Reciting “Hu” as a primer for all Lataif points and the meditations to come.
Visualizations: I am a child, maybe around 8-ish or so years old. My naked feet are standing on the cold sand of a shore; I watch the waves roll back and forth and hear myself saying “The eternal movement of time” from somewhere else. Everything around me is coloured in an inverted black and white filter, myself included. Something heavy is protruding from out of my chest; it looks like a big black rock.
I take a few steps forward, I want to drown myself. I can watch myself from a third persons view and I notice that I don’t have similarities to myself as a child; I can see a pair of parents, that aren’t mine, either. They wave goodbye to me as I walk into the ocean to drown myself. They want me to drown and I want me to drown.
I guess I took a chunk out of that wall, the other day.
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Dream log after yesterdays session:
the black inside of my chest was replaced by something golden to wear. It made me feel heavily out of place.
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Continuing with the unloved yet necessary work on Qalb 
Notes for further meditations: Ya Bari’ (freeing oneself from any unclean thing that might cover the true ego of the heart), Ya Sami’ (establishing true hearing of the heart), Ya Mumit (obliterating the false ego), Ya Muqtadir (connecting with ones true purpose), Ya Fattah (opening the heart to go deeper into it), Ya Mu’min (against blind faith and fanatism), Ya Musawwir (giving the heart its true shape), Ya Rashid (discerning and clear guidance), Ya Wasi’ (melting old boundaries of the heart), Ya Basir (establishing true vision of the heart), Ya Khafid (lowering ones spiritual station to establish a sensible pace, this is not a race, its a marathon), Ya Rafi’ (transcending lower states and urges), Ya Ghafur (forgiving all the way into the heart, no lip service forgiveness, hating that one already), Ya Mujib (listening with the heart and receiving answers), Ya Wajid (opening the eye and ear of the heart to true ecstasy), Ya Quddus (purification of the ego) and Ya Wakil (for obvious trust issues. Hating that one already, too).
Whew.
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Qalb meditation with Ya Khafid, as I need to determine what I am forcing onto myself and what would be the more fitting kind of pace; if needed I will pull myself back to a lower point.
Visuals: sitting on the backseat inside a car. As I am usually in the drivers seat this is already making me feel irritated and fidgety. I literally don’t trust other peoples driving styles and it makes me nervous to sit on the passenger side. The parable here is quite fitting, so far.
An extra loss of control is thrown into the session as I discover that I am a kid in this car. The person that is navigating the car doesn’t speak to me but makes sure to hold eye contact through the rear mirror to me. The car is driving on a never ending path straight on; the path leads through a dark coniferous forest (pine trees) and I can see the forest burning left and right. People are emerging out of the fire, they try to stop the car for help. I want to open my seatbelt and the car door, I want to get out of the car and put as many people into its room as possible. The seatbelt won’t open and the driver of the car decides to continue without even looking around. “You’re not here for that.”
The scenery switches into night mode. No forests, only flat wastelands.
“Allow yourself to grow in proportion, this time.”
This sentence kicks straight into my teeth.
“You don’t have to do this all over again.”
Another kick.
And I know that they are right. I don’t have to do this all over again.
I feel tired. I allow myself to fall asleep. Trusting.
I hate this Qalb related stuff.
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Notes for further Sirr meditations: Ya Qayyum (for the realization of continuous existence beyond the confinements of time and space), Ya Malikal- Mulk (for the realization that it is irrelevant if one is perceived as high or low, as both are manifestations of the same source), Ya Basir (divine seeing of the heart), Ya ‘Alim (for omniscience), Ya Baqi (for freeing oneself from the pressure of whats perceived as time and space), Ya Badi’ (for realizing the infinitude of being and nonbeing), Ya Mutakabbir (for removing all boundaries), Ya Batin (for becoming aware of the “secret of secrets”), Ya Haqq (for getting rid of the minds attachment to a limited concept of the infinite), Ya Fattah (for opening the heart to a deeper understanding process), Ya 'Azim (for translating abstract realizations into mundane life) and Ya Hakam (for discerning wisdom, its probably needed when being confronted with certain realizations).
Wow, I really feel like a dumb piece of shit for starting with the Sirr, back then. I am glad it didn’t work out.
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Sirr meditation with Ya 'Azim, as finding a way to integrate and apply certain findings despite mundane life limitations sounds like a good start.
Visuals: I am levitating. The ground separates itself from me and I am floating away from the world underneath my feet, higher and higher until everything looks so small.
Surprisingly I am finding myself in the embrace of [redacted]; we are both in the likeness of statues but I am feeling soft and light. I am completely covered in black, as in some of my astral travels. My body leaves black smudges and marks on my counterpart. “This is an expression of the will”, he explains and I don’t feel concerned anymore about leaving traces on him. I am at peace.
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Notes for further Ikhfa meditations:
Ya Malikal-Mulk (for trust issues), Ya Wali (for getting back up after being wounded by people who should have acted as protectors / parental wounds in this case), Ya Shafi (as “the” healer), Ya Kafi (as the process of healing), Ya Rahim (for healing the abondonement wound), Ya Latif (for staying kind and showing compassion towards people who don’t quite deserve this), Ya Tawwab (for letting go of grudges), Ya Muhyi (for processing grief), Ya Ra’uf (for accepting the wounded self), Ya Rahman (for healing self-loathing), Ya Waliyy (for healing the alienated self), Ya Bari’ (for freeing oneself from guilt), Ya Ghafur (for healing wounds of shame), Ya 'Alim (for the knowledge of the universe), Ya Nur (for the various forms of wisdom and knowledge), Ya Khabir (for complete inner knowledge), Ya 'Afuw (for forgiving others) and Ya Muhsi (for taking every form of knowledge about everything into account).
Okay, I will most certainly hate to work with almost anyone of them but there is no use to drag my feet on this.
Mixing the dissolved blockages with being completely sober might become a challenge at some point. But I do like a challenge 
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Ikhfa meditation, starting with something light and easy: Ya Kafi. My choice for this name goes along the lines of priming myself for the overall concept of starting the healing process instead of digging right into the “deep sauce”.
Visuals:
reaching out for a violet candle flame. It moves along the palm of my right hand and into an opening of my wrist. It spreads inside my veins as water; it travels up my arm and right into my chest. My upper torso is filled with liquid violet light.
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