Unlocking session with 'Ayzar (عيزار), as he already willingly brought up one or two points that need serious work by himself.
During the visualization process he pulled me on top of a mountain. The snowy, stormy kind, grey-ish of mountain. He nods towards some colourful pieces of cloth hanging on a line. “Do you think the mountain cares?” I shake my head, already knowing what kind of metaphor this is going to be.
He guides me to a hole in the ground of the mountain top. He asks me to sit down at its edge and to put my legs into that hole. The icy surface of the ground makes me shiver as I do so. I feel my legs getting pulled in; my feet are feeling hot and cold at the same time. Eventually the cold sensation dominates and crawls all the way up my spine and to the top of my skull. The coldness is wrapping itself around my head. It fills the socket of my eyes, my nostrils, my mouth, my ears. I can hear 'Ayzars voice cutting through the storm. “Become the mountain”, before the black stone pulls me completely into its core.
Zuhal came through in a different way than I would have anticipated. When we made the deal back in January I was quite prepared for the solitude-ish approach of working with and integrating these natural saturnian aspects into my life.
It turns out that a part of the task is to “endure” a certain amount of similar hardwired company while doing so. And it feels surprisingly natural. It also makes me realize what I can constructively do with my own predisposition in terms of responding to this company without necessarily resorting to my tried and tested saturnian ways of interacting.
15 days ago I was visited in my dreams by Nasr, in the fitting shape of a giant vulture. He brought comfort and softness and warmth to me and I was in deep awe about how perfectly the communication went without exchanging any words.
I am yet to find out if this Nasr (نسر ) has been usurped by time and found itself back as Jinn Nizar (نزار) or if Nizar borrows linguistically from “Nazar”/n-z-r (which, theoretically, could be connected back to the vulture or eagle, as in my understanding نَظَر = “seeing”/to look or “sight” could also be the concept of what a bird does high up in the sky: getting an overview).
I am still grateful for this experience and I am looking forward to either connect the dots or to find out that it doesn’t have to do with anything. In any case I am owing Nasr a visit, as his presence was some sort of very soft “No worries, you are on the right path” sign with something I am currently dealing with.
Zuhal really sent me into a strange sync trip with this one. I haven’t talked about this to anyone but still it managed to inspire a question in somebody elses head, that I have rolled back and forth myself for some time now: is it possible that its our respective saturnian placements (out of ALL things), that makes us somehow click? Something that should act in a divisive and isolating way turns out to be a bridge in between two more or less different worlds, instead of building up walls behind walls - like it usually goes. And rightfully so, if I may say so myself.
I want to believe, that this is true. Because it feels authentic to me. Maybe it is exactly this saturnian influence that made me become accepting of a certain kind of closeness; no emergency daggers, no troubled prophetic dreams, no “watch out” utterings in my ear from honest tongues and wise eyes. For maybe the first time since I have started all of this.
Todays unlocking: Mirdas (مرداس).
I must admit that I had the impression that this one didn’t really want to work with me, before I even started. When I prepared the gifts (an especially annointed red candle, black tea, other small things) I downright felt his indifference.
The visualization pulled me into a forest; it was evening and it poured abundantly. The occasional thunder roared in the background; thankfully no lighting.
It didn’t take me long to spot Mirdas; in my vision I perceived him as an old man (ironically how I would have expected Zuhal to look like), maybe in his late 70s. Sparse white hair on his head, a long white beard and a somber expression on his aged face. His clothes didn’t fit the environment at all; he was dressed in a thin and simple thawb with earthy tones. No shoes. No protection from the rain.
I walked up to him and offered him my umbrella. Up close I noticed that this old man was dry to the bone; the rain somehow went straight through him without clinging to him. I asked him to take a little walk with me and expressed my regrets over the overall circumstances. The candle flame flickered angrily in response, here in my room.
He straightup asked me if he could refuse my unlocking request. Of course he could; I am a grown up and he is whatever his manifestation is telling me that he is. I won’t throw tantrums over refused requests. This was the first time he was actively looking at me; Mirdas seemed to be looking for something in my face. He then placed his thin and boney hand on mine and squeezed it (surprisingly) firmly; he led me further into the forest until we stopped in front of a rough-hewn well. The water was as black as the stones surrounding the pit; it filled itself with countless raindrops.
“I made this for you, before you came here”, Mirdas explained. “May your well never run dry.”
I felt touched by the gesture and by the change of his expression, his blue eyes glinting with life. The candle flame got larger, steadier and warmer. The vibe in the room instantly changed from indifference to sincerity.
Yeah, no fucking joke. I came to understand that unlocking the aspects of the Jinn would be a more internal process for me, a very sharp contrast to the more tangible and hands-on aspects of the Goetia spirits.
I feel especially sulky about having to face some unloved old conditionings and about having to polish certain aspects of my self (whoever thats supposed to be by now). I loudly asked the question why it couldn’t have been the other way around: priming my internal world, my behaviours, my thought patterns, etc. before receiving the neat tools and materials and the more worldly gifts from the Goetia 72.
“Because you would have given up on the spot if it would have been the other way around.”
I suppose that this is the truth. Having to face your own unpleasant internal conditions AND having to worry about simple mundane stuff 24/7? Yes, I would have dropped everything. Being able to fall apart while the overall frame around everything remains intact and secure doesn’t sound too shabby, huh.
I suppose that the main objective now is to combine whats left of me after this project with the surroundings that the Goetia carved out for me with their aspects, back then.
I am tempted to compare the unlockings 1 on 1, but I’ve decided to wait with this until its all done.
Played around a bit with a deck of Celtic Tree Oracle cards. When asking about whats currently important to know the Blackthorn card sprang out quite promptly.
The creator of the deck assigns the vulture as one of several totems to the tree.
Its been ??? days of being sober and I am currently involved with a situation I can not face with a drink in my hand for the first time since I’ve been in my teens.
Nasr came to me when I was asking myself if I would it have inside of me to quit drinking myself into an early grave; his presence soothed my own doubts about how I would be able to go through this change.
The card is about something something character growing (got enough of that already, thank you). “When one door closes, another one opens”, oh fuck off matey.
But also: that its time “to let go” and to set boundaries and as if to add insult to injury a youtube video I was watching stopped itself while displaying “Get over (…)” in the subtitles.
Big Bird, I am expecting at least another round of feathery comfort when I am finished with this.
Okay, this one took unusually longer than I am used to it but: I think I became the mountain yesterday, 'Ayzar. Frome one moment to the next, literally. I don’t know what exactly happened in that department but something inside of me was apparently completely obliterated in regards to a situation. It was strange, I was definitely caught up with deeply caring for something (and low key torturing myself over it) and the next moment it was gone. An intimately known movement inside my thoughts and feelings is no more and I could physically feel how it fell out from my head and my heart, alike. Clang.
Thank you, 'Ayzar.
Thank you, Nasr. You even showed yourself (Vulture) in a reading by somebody else about that; not that I’ve asked about it in the first place, it just came out on the side
While still processing the last couple of days I will certainly find time to appreciate that you’re kind of looking out for me. I wouldn’t know why, but who am I to question influences that are pretty much aware about whats going on.
On the bright side: it gives me plenty of time to bury myself into my studies. No time for silliness. Only work.
Todays spontaneous unlocking: Mufarish (مفرش ). I wasn’t planning on any unlocking today. Actually, a lot happened today at once already and the timing is odd. But his call was convincingly soft. I wouldn’t know how to describe it properly without using the words “pleasant” and “mellow” and “blue”.
“Blue” was the visual process, indeed. I found myself at the Baltic sea, my naked feet comfortably stuck inside the wet and cool sand of the shoreline. A beautiful blue summers morning on a sweltering hot evening in my room.
Mufarish appeared like a mixture in between a surferboy and yoga teacher; my gaze was hooked on his necklace (large wooden beads, probably made out of Wenge?) and on a piece of silver jewelry that was wrapped around his right hand. We walked towards another and he stretched his right hand out to me. I apologized for the lack of preparation and told him that he was calling on a rather interesting time. We shook hands, a smooth warmth flowing from the palm of his right hand into mine.
“You know that its time, right?”, he asked me and I suppose that this was accurate. I accepted his gift, with the good and the bad and the ugly. I felt as if the ocean imitated my heartbeat.
The good: seeing some outrageous numbers on my paycheck as of lately. This is some kind of “In theory it could always be like that. In theory it could be even more” realization that needs to settle in for a bit.
The bad: realistically I am at the end of my overall development potentialities, at least where I am currently at.
The ugly: realistically I’d have to break away from the logical confinements (place and time and competencies) of my current predicament, although I really enjoy my work and my fellow folks. I’d have to go away yet again. Unless…
I find it highly interesting that the visuals pulled me close to the Baltic sea; I thought that this would be purely symbolical. While exchanging some thoughts about future career options with someone today I loudly thought about branching out into other parts of Europe, to secure my development while not having to part from what I enjoy.
I had a convo about something like that with two business partners from a country located at the Baltic sea, not too long ago.
I have worked extensively with Zuhal/her energy the last couple of months. Among the necessary transformational joys and sorrows (really, it wasn’t all doom and gloom. It brought me -and let me stay!- into an interpersonal companionship that I authentically enjoy) I’ve made another discovery.
Plants stopped dying on me like they’ve used to. Its some sort of insider joke by now that plant based life tends to be obliterated by my presence alone, despite meticulous and sincere care.
Zuhal always implied that this natural saturnian tendency from my side isn’t a box or a prison or an illness but that its simply a domain that flourishes best when I don’t ignore it or hide away from it.
I’ve started to accept a certain kind of lot since I’ve aligned myself with Zuhals energy and I think that it was around that time when plants stopped doing whatever happens to them when they are exposed to me. I even reaped my first chili harvest, yesterday. While standing on a fresh green patch of grass that grew back from the more or less dead soil that this garden has turned into, not too long ago I suppose that Saturns agricultural aspect started to kick in the moment I consciously decided to accept its never waning presence as a gift and not as a taint.
Zuhal also made me be accepting of the responsibility that comes with some other aspects of that alignment. I will probably stay close-ish to the death industry when it comes to generating an income or exercising professional craftsmanship. Its not like I am forcing this stuff onto a next generation with that dying bloodline of mine, so I can comfortably make myself at home inside of this for the decades to come. It could be worse.
Harthamah (هرثمة ) called me into the unlocking, today. And with that I mean that I was already in the process without contacting her.
Her name repeated inside of my head all of a sudden and with some kind of urgency. I received on and off visions about the blood covered tip of a sword, shedding its drops into white sand. A strange and sudden inner heat exploded inside of my head and behind my face.
When I sat down for a moment I was pulled into the visualization about a tall red haired woman; she was wearing no shoes, a long brown dress and a silvery sword that had its blade covered in red. I noticed black smudges and spots all over her skin; her face looked young but robbed off of any youthfulness at the same time. She was drawing patterns into the sand with the tip of her sword, leaving a trace of blood here and there. We exchanged no words but we somehow communicated through our respective presence.
She offered me the sword; I told her that I didn’t want to make use of it. The vision ends here.
When I officially got back into the meditation, she was gone and I was left at some airport. A long, heavy and safely wrapped object hung from my left shoulder on a strap. I asked her how I was supposed to get this thing through airport customs. I felt lost inside of a clutter of announcements for different flights, not sure about how to proceed. I received a text message on my smartphone: the number and letter “45 - 0F” (the zero could have been the letter O, as well). Neat. I have no idea what to do with that, for now.
I just came back from an accidental meeting with my mentor from over 16 years ago. He was the first person in my entire life who not only believed in my potential but who actively nurtured it for several years. I thought that I would never see this man again in my life, as he was moving on to another country and didn’t make use of social media. He is the literal reason that I was able to pull off this whole death industry thing so early in my age in the first place and it was one of the happiest times in my entire life. This is a full circle I haven’t anticipated at all and I feel oddly happy.
I opened and closed the “post” tab back and forth today for several times already. I am still in the process of getting my thoughts into a comprehensive kind of order in between tending to very sudden responsibilities in very saturnian departments. Zuhal, this one is for you, I guess.
Three days ago one of my in-laws passed away, very sudden and unexpected. I am currently taking care of the entire family and the burial preparations, travelling back and forth several hundreds of kilometers in between meeting their needs and and being present at my mundane work responsibilities at home. I haven’t really slept a whole lot since then, the entire situation is really emotional for everybody involved and understandably they are all looking at me and waiting for me to get everything in order; the local funeral home isn’t of great help, as the mortician in charge has been a long family friend and is all at sea about it himself. (Which ironically led him to ask me if I would be interested in taking over his business, some day. I am not.) Leraje has been of tremendous assistance in the energy department, letting me flit like a coked up Border Collie in between everybody and everything until now. I am exhausted but I know that I will go on like this until the funeral has been completed and everybody involved can be left to their own devices eventually.
I have bought myself a beautiful dark blue dress, the other day. For some reason dark blue has been a complete mood in my closet, carefully perching itself in between forestry greens and browns and the usual black. I’ve imagined myself to wear this dress on a completely different occasion; two days ago I was wearing it for the first time while preparing the wake and preventing fifteen crying, screaming and hyperventilating people from passing out. While everybodies tears, sweat, makeup and distress was collected by the fabric around my shoulders and chest area I had to think about Zuhal and her promise/threat/prophecy about this path. (I am not of a so called “death current” and I don’t perform any kind of its practices, to be clear about that.)
It doesn’t matter what I call myself professionally or where I choose to reside in that matter:
In a way I will always stay some sort of midwife to other peoples experiences in terms of loss, of death and finitude. Not the “I’ve sorted out my feelings towards this and now I want to talk about it” clean experience. Its the ugly and raw and resistive and in-between side of this experience that I am called to. The one that screams and breaks down and kicks and scratches while you’re trying to place at least a soft cushion underneath the whole thing. In that moment people instinctively cling to you and are appalled by your presence at the same time.
I start to believe that this is one of the things that keeps most people naturally apart from my way; an indistinct sort of vibe thats filled with other peoples grief, pain and rage that I can never entirely wash off of me.
I suppose that Saturns agricultural aspect started to kick in the moment I consciously decided to accept its never waning presence as a gift and not as a taint.