I want to live

I’m so full of hate and rage I don’t recognize myself anymore.

I’m tired of being tired
Tired of these psychotic rage outbursts
Tired of chronic, unending sadness
Tired of constant, physical neck and back pain (I cannot afford treatment)
Tired of being broke
Tired of being picked on or challenged
Tired of being hopeless
Tired of not belonging.
Tired of having no family and friends

I’m think more and more about what it would be like to be dead every single day of my life.

I am a failure. I am a miserable disappointment and every day I open my God damned eyes I am reminded of the fact.

Nobody would miss me, nobody would care.
Everyone has left me, I have no physical support of any kind that I can rely on

I’m head over heels in debt and depression, I have to work to support myself, but all I want to do is sleep and stay unconscious. Nothing ever gets better. Life only gets worse and I only get angrier and less compassionate as I count my days.

I’m TRYING my best to go sober, and am immediately reminded of the fact of just how MISERABLE I truly am. I don’t expect overnight results.

I just want some God damned help.


Would there be anything this forum could assist you with? Just trying to figure out what kind of advice would be supportive in your current situation :slight_smile:
In this thread are some different approaches towards some of the feelings you’ve described above, btw. You can read it, if you like.

Edit: here is a practical approach, a lot of members had success with this one already:


Thank you for the reply. I’ll check out the whiteboarding

I have read thru this topic (depression) countless times. I have 2 hyperlinked threads attached to it already. It’smore than depression. It’s anger. Pain. Homelessness and a general sense of hopelessness.


So roughly there is an urgent need for material security, physical health and transforming your current feelings. If you think about it: what kind of need would have to be fixed first so you could take care of the rest more easily?


Definitely a place to live but I live here in my car in Northern California. It’s extremely expensive to survive here

I make ends meet doing delivery, and I sleep in parking lots at night.

Been stuck here ever since my parents brought me here and then split.

People say leave CA, but where would I go? I have no other family.

So I feel like I’m trapped.
Also, I want to make music. But have no idea how to start. And it’s something I’ve always wanted and never been able to start on. I’ve just had to tell myself that it’s not realistic and essentially to just give up on it

It’s about who you know and I don’t know anyone. So I feel like I’m trapped.


Hey there, dude.

I understand you. I’ve lived for more than 15 years with mostly rage in my heart, but things are improving now. So… what did work for me? Well, magick. That’s the honest answer. Go step by step and accept that it will take too much time. Never break fatih IN YOURSELF, keep pushing.

If you’ve been in a cycle of poverty for a long while, make a sacrifice in Hades’ name (something of value, you get the point; let’s be perfectly clear that I’m not implying you should go killing people or anything of the sort, because there is always one idiot who wants to take things out of context and I won’t allow it). Then request an increase in your income. A realistic increase.

For health, Apollo has worked wonders for me and I’m sure he can do the same for you (again, expect months of hard work before you see any improvement).

Wherever you want. For example, a cheaper place. You have no bounds.

Get an instrument and learn how to play it.

What about teaching music? What about working in stock music for audiovisuals? There are plenty of options, not everything is about 70.000 crazy fans screaming your name in choir in the biggest stadium around.


I have nothing of value aside from a gift for my spirit and the car I live in.

That’s the issue

I don’t play, I only sing

Never said it was. Just want to make recorded music. Just want to have something to be remembered by.

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Magick wasn’t realistic to me, yet here we are.
Cheesy one-liners aside: you don’t have to give up on learning or making music. It all depends of course what your goals are: if you want to record your own stuff (since you want to sing) you’ll want to have at least something you could use as a recording booth and a laptop to edit your tracks. A lot of local amateur bands are looking for singers, it would be a good option to get to know new people and to get into practice. If your area opens up for music festivals or small gigs of any kind again I would recommend you to visit them. So far I’ve ALWAYS left with at least two new contacts even in the most obscure or “special interest” settings. Most musicians/music lovers are really friendly and easy to approach. So put that shit on a “To Do”-List for your activities when you’ve got yourself a room or an apartment and don’t give it up because its “unrealistic” :slight_smile:


The nearest town across the border with a delivery job you apply for and get. Apply for a few and let providence decide.

Drive there, live in your car there, then do the same to move further. No point spending a ton of gas money to far, you just have to drive to the closest place that’s cheaper to live in, and probably cooler, and work it up another notch from there.


Just random pieces of information.

Learn how to breath.

You can download the app for free on phones and tablets;

Focus yourself and mind on stuff to do.

This is to help to relearn joy.


Music nerd mode off, now for something more serious:

You’re a work in progress. You’ve named the thread title “I want to live” and I think that this is really really really important. You are not done yet, you want to live and you need to figure out a way how to break out of a cycle that got you trapped for now (I repeat: for now).

Well, if your current family doesn’t do you any good…why would it be important to be near them? Just asking because I know that its sometimes not as easy to “just leave”, yet its necessary (I am in “no contact” with my own family and it was a hard yet necessary decision, so I feel you if you still have the feeling of “I can’t leave my family behind”).

Its probably not easy to approach other people in your current situation, especially if you don’t want to be open about your living situation. Are you on good terms with your coworkers or is it strictly professional and you don’t get to talk very often?

I can’t properly explain to you how controlled by fear I am. I fear daily of my car breaking down and being stranded.

I fear MAKING these decisions. They scare me.

You’re allowed to be afraid, there’s no reason that should stop you.

At some point the high cost of living and the heat are going to kill you. You have to make some decision of hat won’t change and you’re done.

Sometimes you have to follow your head. Pick a route through where you can always walk to help if needed. Make sure you know where al the garages are in the target area. If you can’t get out of CA in one go, just get to the next town 20 miles away and go from there.

But I find the BEST antidote to fear is understanding. Don’t make the decision first, first look up the jobs you could go for and see if you can let them tempt you to that town.

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I used to believe the same, then I realized that quarters are still money and money has value. Get two quarters, sacrifice that. Trust me: it works.

Okay, then keep singing. Study more. You can get a mid-range mic and a laptop to record your voice and make demos with software.


I’m independent contractor (Doordash)
Most recent job I had I was terminated due to flipping out. A common reoccurring cycle in my life.

Fix things
Become complacent/depressed
Self Destruct
Destroy own life
Feel horrible
Rinse repeat.

I have no idea why I behave the way I do and therapy is too expensive and pragmatic.

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So community housing or transitional housing wouldn’t probably be a good option as long as the risk of “flipping out” is still on the table? Just trying to figure out which steps would be most beneficial first for you in terms of recommending magical support

Edit: check out this thread, read the instructions carefully and drop a request if you’re in the clear about what you truly need to proceed with your path:


That’s the main reason I have stayed away from these kind of facilities and shelters. I want as little human interaction as possible.

Except when I don’t.
The problem is anytime I let someone get close they remind me why I’m reclusive.

I lost a friend of 10+ years two days ago. Over some stupid nonsense, and that’s one of the couple people that I talk to- totally gone now.

Love interest, friend, or parent, it doesn’t matter they all abandon me eventually.


I deal with anger issues too. Over the last two years I’ve gotten a pretty solid hold on it. I would tell people that I felt like I had 2 people live inside my body. The normal happy go lucky me and then angry me. I always discribed it like my body was a taxi cab. I would be up front driving around my angry side in the back seat. Typically he would just talk shit from the back seat and tell me not to take peoples shit and so on. For the most part I could just close that little divider when I has enough so I didn’t have to hear it…. But when I got angry I would find myself in the back seat. He’s now driving. He drives like a 95 year old alcoholic, ruins everything in his path. I would be in the back seat pleading for him to stop but all I can do is watch the chaos that follows. Eventually I go back to being in control and now I’m in crisis mode fixing everything I’ve done.

Now this has all been a metaphor for how I feel when my rages takes over. But yea that how it was for me.

What I did to help with this was first accept that side of me I hated so much. I had to accept the things that angered me. I then had to dig down deeper to find out what was really bothering me. Anger is a secondary emotion not a primary. So you sit down with yourself and you dig and dig and dig. You learn about yourself and find that root cause. Then you work to fix that. I know this probably sounds like bs. It don’t always be like it is. But some times it do lol.


It doesn’t have to stay like this. You have the opportunity to learn from this shit. To identify the trigger points and to avoid them while you’re with another person (I made good experiences with simply telling people that I need a moment for myself or that I can’t carry on with certain discussions now in order to defuse an argument in the making. I am interrupting a destructive pattern this way because I have serious asshole tendencies myself when I am in a certain mood).

You are to a certain degree in control over how you’re treating other folks. Easier said than done but no matter how accepting people might be towards your anger issues (and their roots) because they really care for you - they don’t have to accept the way they get treated if it gets out of hand.


The irony is I just said I had nothing more to say about it and the person in question just snapped

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