I want to live

I guess this is a good of a place to start as any. How did you go about “digging deeper”

I know my mind is in a bad place, in my dreams I’m either being hunted or hiding. Very rarely do I have the strength or courage to fight back

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This used to happen so much to me back then where I also knew less about myself and had so much problems. Now I am the one hunting them in my dreams.

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And I think that this was the right thing because it showed that you didn’t want an argument with this person. And that you are in control of yourself if you’re considering to leave something alone instead of flipping out. Maybe they will come to their senses and pick up a conversation again, you don’t throw 10+ years away just like that :slight_smile:


That would make sense then since I have caught myself on many occasions recently saying that I don’t really know myself anymore

I doubt it, this person is very prideful of being able to cut people off like nothing and deep down, that irritated me. I usually stop talking but for some reason couldn’t hold it back. Like even my spirit might have been annoyed. Idk

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Sooo, I think that one of your next steps should include to allow yourself to unconditionally love yourself. If you search for “self-love” on here you will stumble over an abundance of either rituals or deities/spirits that could assist with this task (you don’t need any tools to call on a spirit and ask for their assistance. You work with what you have and often enough your own mind is as good as a fully decorated altar and fancy offerings.).

It sounds fucking cheesy but you are your own best friend, first and foremost. You deserve a decent treatment, respect and positive affirmations. You deserve kind words. When we aren’t surrounded by caring or loving people (which happens at certain times in our life, sadly) we are the only ones who can provide such things for ourselves.


The only deity I have a known confirmed relationship with is Lilith (manifestations of a positive nature) so I’ve been hesitant about trying a bunch of different entities. Is this a field she can help with? I have tried (not hard enough, I’ll admit) with self-love and I found the experience to be physically painful. I’ve been told this just means there’s a lot of work to do.

I just find it hard to believe entities could actually care about our happiness.


I am REALLY sticking my neck out with this one because I haven’t worked with Lilith myself but from what I have witnessed from other forum members she is often described to have inspired self-love for them.


I have some superstitious fears deeply embedded into my mind regarding all of this.

I never bought into Christianity, or even monotheism. I just had extreme atheist mother, and zombie christian father.

I helped him come out of the closet back then (mom said she’d leave him if he ever “got God”)
and since then obviously my views and interests have shifted, dramatically.

I don’t have much of a relationship with him anymore. It’s always about God this God that.

Can’t come to him about shit, he’ll just tell me to pray or that (it’s that demon’s fault)

When no, she cares very much about me and has tolerated my worst. More than my own flesh apparently.

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I must confess that I don’t have a religious background, family wise. A lot of other forum members could probably provide better insights about similar situations and the trauma connected to it for them. I am not competent enough to provide any kind of advice here, I’m sorry.

It is possible, in my own experience regarding spirits I am working closely with. If it wasn’t for them I would have tolerated the ongoing abuse from my “own flesh” for much longer.
If you feel that Lilith could be a trusted companion for your exercises in self-love: ask her.

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I will. I would just like someone to come to me. It makes me feel more comfortable when I am approached rather than the other way around.
An entity that enjoys me and WANTS to work with me, rather than me begging anyone and anything for help

You have nothing to apologize for. You and the others have offered some great advice. Works slow today. So I’m just killing time outside right now.



I was in the same situation, years ago. I even attempted suicide. And did it again some weeks ago. I don’t like this world.

I was always rebellious, I wanted to build my own world. Even in these days, I feel trapped in my flesh and I find ways to get out for a while. (through meditations, walking in the woods, staying away from people).

But I discovered that there are many people who feel the same in this world. You are not a failure. This word doesn’t exist in the cosmic world. Neither exists success.

Whatever you are going through, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just don’t see it, because you’re looking down.

My life started to change when I connected with the spirit world. Since you are on this forum, this may help you as well. Always remember that you’re not alone.


Thank you for this. I’m currently struggling to stay sober- it feels as if something is missing.

You can find the answer if you do a deep conversion with yourself. But never blame yourself for this situation. We live in world filled with inequality, arrogance, vanity. It’s not your fault.

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Sorry for not knowing but, how? Where do I begin? I want to start the healing process tonight

What helped me, was to run my memory back to my early childhood - when the fears where created. I meditated and saw me as a child, beeing laughed and yelled at. I also understood that some fears were implanted in my head, by society. I tried to break all of them and free my mind, like beeing born again. I’m still in the process though.

I’ll give you an example.
Ive been bullied for years because I was ugly as a teen. This left me the fear of abandonment and rejection.
Fear to be rejected. … From who? From a man?
Does a man define my soul? Does a man affect my happiness? No.
So, fear is out.

Simple steps as this, build a new you. :slight_smile:


Ok wanna comment on the I don’t sing thing.
Nowadays unless you wanna go pop or billboard top 20 or something singing well isn’t a requirement to rock out and rock on.

As proof I give you an extreme
Metal band demo from YouTube that proves my point.

Pre music/video warning: contains extreme music which may hurt tender pop music loving ears and barely understandable “Death Metal “ vocals

Proof you don’t have to be a good singer to rock
I could also have included rap as proof but rap is sooo mainstream now.

So even if you can’t sing for shit neither can the vocalist on the video. So don’t let it stop you trying if someone tells you you suck or your singings no good you can always reply I’m a better singer then then _____ . Then blast their ears with something you know they’ll hate that proves your point that ya ain’t that bad.

Add: yes I know YouTube sucks but it is a place to go to check out bands listed in your music magazine to see if you like em.

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I actually enjoy extreme metal- so I’ll give this a listen at some point.

I said I “only” sing, when it was suggested that I pick up an instrument.

I clean sing and yes I can do metal vocals. I gave up on trying to find a band that wants to do extreme metal.

A band would be cool sure. But I’ve never had any luck finding one when I cared to. A solo project is probably my best bet.

My friends at the time wanted to do different genres.

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This is relatable due to a lump in my throat that will have to be removed surgically. It affects my self esteem, and at times, even my breathing.

:sunglasses: I guess I misread
Anyhow solo is easier then ever given people still aren’t allowed to get together in a lot of cases let alone perform in bars so that’s a good idea you got there to make your own music by yourself. No one can stop ya being in a 1 man band with yourself by yourself performing your own stuff by yourself online or anywhere else after all (after all it’s not a gathering til there’s at least 2 people present).