Alright I got shit to do so I’ll probably start doing posts on Saturdays or something like that. I like doing occult writing and I like seeing my impact so I’ll do a post if I have something good to say. Maybe I’ve gotten some people to try out my stuff too. Welcome to my current, bwahahaha. Also if you’re doing the music working flip around motion and shape (hard to have shape without motion).
I do have stuff to ramble on about today though. Something interesting I’ve noticed is that there are people who seem to mostly exist in a state of weakness. By that I mean the emotion they experience by far the most often is fear in the form of weakness. I have known two people who seemed like this.
I find this quite interesting because of what it makes these people do. The first, who (whom?) I actually realized was this way long after I met him, was a friend of mine who turned against me. The reason for this was that another individual in our social group, who is a narcissist, tried to use me as his source of narc supply (I’ll touch on this later too) and failed, so instead he settled with just trying to torment me as much as possible. Because he couldn’t use me he tried using this weak person and was very successful. I’ve seen some synchronicities with narcissists and vampires (and the Goetia), which is sort of strange and I wouldn’t take it too literally but narcissists do need to “suck blood” from people to not destroy themselves.
Anyways, a couple years after I was no longer interacting with this narcissist I interacted with the narcissist’s thrall (the weak person) again. I needed him for some stuff. He had started dating this girl, and once while with the two of them she started to flirt with me right in front of him. That was great, and he started getting all defensive, which was hilarious. This guy had also tried flirting with me in the past when he found out that I’m bi, and he did so repeatedly and in rather undignified ways. Because of this I started to influence him to see if I could make him believe I was interested in a threesome. I didn’t actually flirt with him, I just said words with no sexual charge behind them that made him think of threesomes, and he started to imply he would be down and tried flirting with me again pretty much immediately.
Alas, the girl moved before I could steal her away (I don’t know how he attracted her, probably horny desperation), and shortly after this I stabbed the guy with my words and cut ties. The point in me telling this story is not to brag about how I attract women. He was still willing to hang out with me after all of this, including all of our past. I did sense, though, that he seemed to think that I was a narcissist, which is incorrect, and was perhaps trying to manipulate me or get vengeance somehow. I don’t really know how exactly he was thinking he would do that, but it amused me cause that’s like a malnourished man with his arms chopped off picking a fight with an attack helicopter in an open field. I wouldn’t exactly recommend it. Maybe though you, dear reader, will learn something about influence today (probably not all of my dear readers but maybe you’ll enjoy the story).
The other guy whom I’ve met was actually much more interesting cause I think I pretty much figured out his psychology. It’s not exactly a secret that I’ve been educated on this, but if you work with demon magick you can learn to do this too. Knowing someone gives you many options.
This guy and I started out as friends as well. Co-workers, really, but we became friends. We hung out and stuff, and I will admit that aside from the beer-gut he was kinda cute. I didn’t flirt with him at all, as I wanted to be platonic friends with him, but I slipped a bit and occasionally exhibited “passive” non-verbal behaviors which signaled sexual attraction. He was clueless to this so I didn’t worry about. One evening, however, from the look that flashed across his face and the jerky motion his body made it seemed that the realization hit him like a fucking ton of bricks. I am somewhat embarrassed to admit the lack of control on my part, but I was (still am, really) budding in my bisexuality and in terms of social skills this guy clearly was not well developed.
He started to flirt with me, and I had a bit of an oh shit moment and went on a walk to think and make a decision. I ultimately decided to not pursue a sexual relationship and to make it clear that I was not interested. Part of the reason was that I just wanted someone to hang out with, but really it was because the guy just obviously did not respect my intelligence at all, and by extension me (I admittedly have a bit of a complex here, exactly because of people like him). With covid going on new socialization opportunities seemed scarce so my plan was to either make him respect me after he had a stronger attachment to me or just move on when I could meet new people.
We met again (with others) soon after, and he behaved as if he already knew my decision (he implied something or other with words and was kinda pissed). I did strongly intend (no ritual) for him to understand my intention to not pursue a sexual relationship prior to this, so that was interesting.
This was, however, short-lived. The next time we met he started flirting with me again. I went out of my way in this and subsequent interactions to demonstrate that I was not interested. Not only did I cease allowing non-verbal signs of attraction to arise, I actively and obviously put physical distance between us many times. At no point did I actively flirt, then or in the past. The difference is that signs of attraction are mostly subconscious and automatic (although you can control them with practice), whereas flirting is an active behavior where you attempt to send sexual energy to the other person via words, touch, looks, whatever.
Normally at this point I would just have outright told him to his face I was not interested rather than attempt to do so more subtly (though clearly) to prevent potentially more damaging conflict. The thing was, though, that I had found myself in a bit of a tricky spot financially at the time and needed some funds to get me through to money I knew I would receive in the near future. This person was also in the only social circle I really had at the time, which I was a newcomer to while everyone else had known each other for years, so if he ended our relationship the probability that the others would also do so seemed very high. This was also not the first time I have lost a friendship due to unreciprocated sexual attraction (being a sex god does not oblige you to literally fuck everyone).
It is also relevant for me to note that this person was raised in an extremely, extremely conservative Christian environment (father’s a preacher and everything) and at no point admitted to being attracted to men (but you’re non-binary! I look mostly male, the nb stuff mostly comes out in non-verbals and I like wearing leggings, but I don’t really feel compelled to transition like trans people do). He lacked the social skills to detect my previous non-verbals, and his sexual desperation seemed to consume him so completely that he likely did not register my attempts to gracefully turn him down even if he would have been able to detect them and know what they meant.
At this point I considered the probabilities. Given the intensity of his desperation and his background, it seemed that an outright rejection would have caused severe rage and probably hatred from him, ending the relationship and causing me to lose access to money I really needed.
I outright told him (while he was drunk) that I consider myself to be a reasonably well-adjusted psychopath. I also talked a little about God. I did not talk about my magick or anything, but said enough to create an air of mystique, which he likely perceived as a sort of religious devotion on my part. I did this to accelerate intimacy as much as I could push it. Right before I left his place, I told him that I wanted to help out his friend with “anger issues,” give him some Hannibal-style therapy. I also said that I would find a way to get inside his head (not his friend, his head, the guy I was literally talking to, I told I would try to manipulate him). I then squeezed the top of his head, twice. I told him I was gonna get on in there (woops, I already had!). Ok I’ll admit most of why I wrote this was to amuse the demons out there with that one. I straight up told him! Why do I even try!
Long story short I got the money I needed from him after that. I had to shut down his advances a couple more times but hot fucking damn this guy was desperate. In hindsight I could have very easily gotten it in other ways, it was like $200 and I had at least 40x that much in reasonably liquid although sentimental assets (my financial position now is way better, btw), but I was going through some shit and fear of my two greatest enemies was fucking with my ability to operate effectively. I did also learn some very interesting things, and that hatred did need to go somewhere.
Remember how I mentioned that this guy seemed to reside mostly in weakness? This whole debacle should not be altogether surprising if you assume this, but there was a moment in this time, before the head-squeeze chat (fuck I still can’t believe that shit worked how it did, I’m proud of that one) but after he started flirting again, when we were sitting on a couch, and he looked at me, and on his face all I could see was weakness. It was fucking disgusting. This was not like the moments I have with myself when I know weakness to find it and kill it, or the moments I have with Lucifer when I show them my weakness so that it can be transformed into strength. The look on his face said, “I am weak, come be weak with me.” I dismissed the urge to vomit as it arose and looked away as quickly as I could.
You may think that this is what some describe as “being vulnerable” with someone, which can be a sign of intimacy. Perhaps this is the case for some, but this is not what that was, at least for me. A relationship built on respect, trust, and generosity allows for both sides to reveal weakness so that they may find strength with the other. This was an invitation to become like him, to make weakness the emotion which characterized our interactions. If you’ve been paying attention at all or have at least half a brain you should realize that two people interacting in constant states of weakness (fear) will only lead to toxicity.
Remember the aforementioned individual with “anger issues”? They were childhood friends. Remember how he has deeply repressed homosexuality while believing fanatically in a religion, a religion enforced by his own father, whom he admires greatly as a fervent Christian, which calls such sexuality a grievous sin? Perhaps you can see how he came to exist in such a state.
Some time passed, I got my money, and we stopped seeing each other as much. I encountered him one day and he invited me to have lunch. He brought up how I had talked before about being able to read people’s non-verbal behaviors (I can read a lot more than that but clearly he wouldn’t have been able to understand this). I then looked over at him, and he had put this expression on his face that looked like a mix between malice and weakness. It was one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen. I went back to eating my sandwich and continued our conversation as though nothing happened. He seemed surprised and then continued with the conversation. Again, armless and blind man against the attack helicopter in an open field (amusing analogy aside I’ll admit I’m a bit out of practice and that I know of people who I really would not want to go against with these sorts of things, though perhaps I should give myself more credit). I think he may have expected me to react to his little move, rather than very quickly be aware of the emotions he was experiencing, calculate why he was experiencing them (not exactly difficult in this spot), calculate a response given what I know about him, and then execute that response in my internal emotional state and by extension my verbal and non-verbal behaviors, but the thing with ignorance is that if you have enough it will severely limit the options that you are able to see. This is, of course, not even to mention the lack of ability to execute upon those options. But I digress.
If you follow my writings perhaps I don’t need to say that there’s quite a bit up in that to chew on, and doing this does get a bit fatiguing, but I did say more on narcissism and stuff before so here’s that real quick. I believe that narcissism and psychopathy (antisocial PD, but whose ability to operate socially and professionally you callin hampered? oh that’s right I’m not a fucking normie so I must be disordered, super sorry) are both caused by large amounts of hatred being present in one’s mind.
The difference comes from how the person deals with the hatred. A narcissist uses downward comparison, which is a psychological process everyone uses, to an extreme extent. If you have hatred inside you, that hatred will either point at someone else or it will point at yourself. If you have lots of hatred inside you, it will pretty much inevitably point at both. Your average narcissist will hate themself a whole fucking lot, and to avoid self-destruction (cause hatred makes you destroy) they project that hatred onto other people. How this manifests in their behavior is they attempt to lower the other person and make them subordinate and generally as obedient and inferior as possible. This makes the narcissist feel relatively superior through downward comparison, which then makes them feel very good about themselves. The thing is, though, that they tend to feel way more pride than is actually warranted given the reality of their achievements, so it is a feeble and unstable pride. When this pride is inevitably challenged, either intentionally by someone else or by the narcissist’s own perceptions, it is found to be built on nothing, and the whole thing comes tumbling down and now the narcissist feels intense, intense self-hatred once again, and the whole cycle repeats, endlessly. I imagine it’s possible to be a narcissist who is not so weak, however.
Psychopaths are different in that we just use sadism to cathartically release the hatred. I don’t particularly care if you’re a King or a janitor, if I hate you making you suffer will fill me with delight. Spoilers - if you have a lot of hatred inside you, and most of your interactions with humans make you hate them, you’ll probably hate humanity in general, which means that you’ll be pre-disposed to hating any new person that you meet. This would be what can cause problems for psychopaths. Because a psychopath’s pride is not typically hyper-inflated (you may be pretty damn proud, but the pride is rooted in a solid foundation of genuine achievement) there isn’t typically as much a problem with ego as there is with an addiction to sadism. Hurting people you hate feels really good, and it can become a habit to seek out this feeling, which can ruin otherwise good relationships. I don’t suggest denying your urges because they will just fuck with you in your subconscious, but to figure out how to live with them without sabotaging your life. Sometimes you just need a victim, and you don’t want that to be your friend. This is not advice, don’t sue me.
It’s also worth noting that narcissism and psychopathy are not mutually-exclusive and are found together reasonably commonly. I believe the root cause is the same, so it’s really a matter of other factors as to how someone will turn out. I probably turned out antisocial because trying to fight back directly against my parents always lead to extremely harsh punishment and gaslighting so I turned to more subtle deception and control to survive and ensure they didn’t prevent me from getting a good education (they threatened me with community college in bum-fuck nowhere while living with them after I got into an ivy-level school), which involved letting my ego take the punches. Maybe I’m talking about myself too much but maybe you should see the fucking value I’m giving to you for free you dipshit. Fuck, humans are dumb. Fuck, that includes me.
The nice thing about the RotNS though is that it helps you stop doing stuff like that. Don’t get me wrong, tsunamis aren’t exactly peaceful little waves, but I think that reconfiguring your mind like this helps you get along with the people you’d rather get along with while bringing you people to have your fun with.
We’re all just here, in our own little universes, interacting with illusions of our own minds projecting across unreal separations.
Are we though, really?
Or are you the one who thinks they’re the true box?
Oooh a bit of a throwback with that one