I was using a public computer and running out of time to post
Let me clarify.
Here’s a timeline of my life and magick discoveries:
Age 13: Discovery of empathic ability. I thought I was crazy and my thoughts had no substance in reality.
Ages 13 - 17: Continually testing the insights I was receiving regarding the feelings of others.
Age 18: I had realized I was ACTUALLY receiving and accurately gauging the emotions of others, even when no body language or any such cues accompany them.
Rest of age 18 to 19: I learned to manipulate energy and had become quite proficient in using it to perform lesser magick operations. I could use it to manipulate others to a degree and I had achieved at the time what I thought was Godhood. I used it to gain all that I desire. I eventually become addicted to opiates, specifically, oxycodone, and then I moved on to heroin injection.
Then life degraded to the point where my daily existence was a struggle to get drugs.
Eventually, I had enough of that, and I got on to a methadone program.
Then, having had a taste of what magick could be earlier in my life, I decided to dedicate my life wholly to the ascension to Godhood through magick. I began studying on a daily basis. I obtained a book as a gift from a friend which contains the Thelemic system of instruction. I had originally opted to perform black magick - but convinced myself the right hand path was a better choice. And I studied the thelemic system.
Then I determined I don’t have the time to rise through the Grades of the Tree of Life, to start as a probationer, eventually on to Neophyte, and then Zelator, Philosophus, etc. I don’t have that kind of time. I need results immediately. Furthermore, I have no desire to perform yoga or different “Asana’s” (seating positions) and etc. all of which is designed to be a balanced approach to spiritual growth. Balancing practicality with spiritual growth.
I have been spiritual my entire life and I am well aware of the practical attributes of it due to my being able to feel the emotions of others and thus cater the way I behave to individuals based on what they want to hear, and so forth.
So I re-commit my life to black magick. I obtained a Thoth tarot deck and began learning to interpret the cards, following the knowledge I gained in the book I have in my possession, which asides from Thelemic instruction, does contain a lot of useful information.
I committed to black magick for the following reasons: Firstly, there are people in my life whome I wish to destroy utterly with curses. Second, I desire to shameless self-gain. I am homeless, I have been for a while now, and this is no longer what I desire. I live in a tent, this is where I perform, or attempt to perform, evocations.
I am not an absolute noob. I can move energy through my body, I am quite sensitive as I explained I am an empath, however, I have trouble with clairvoyance, which I believe is the essence of my struggles
I have been studying magick for a very long time. I own a book which contains all the basics - I have studied black magick as well as the right hand path. I had first opted to study self-initiation under the Thelemic system, however, it seems it will take a very long time to progress past the grade of probationer to begin learning the things I actually WANT to learn, such as astral projection.
Now, with all that aside, this is where I am struggling:
I have trouble entering altered, meditative states, such as the T/G sync as I recently learned of through my studies of the works of E.A. Koetting via watching Youtube Videos.
I would very much like to enter the Mastering Divination Course, and eventually Mastering Evocation - but I have NO money at all. So it is my desire to do what I can to manifest money to begin my upward ascension.
I need to learn to relax to the point I can astral project, enter T/G, and etc. This is my chief struggle. I have ADHD, and thus, it’s always been difficult being completely relaxed - this is another reason I had a heroin addiction, it allowed me to relax when I could never do so completely by myself. I have decided that if it is my will, then it will be done, I just have to be able to do it.
In terms of evocations, I am forced to use very basic implements. I have only my tarot deck to use as a circle. I have no candles, incense, or a means to obtain these other objects. I feel as if spirits will not come without these basics. Is this true? Is a circle truly the only necessary implement?