Some kind of journal

[crookedpathfinder]

Last night I did two rituals which I won’t discuss here.

Interestingly, I was told very upfrontly “You will come to regret that”

My first impression was to ignore this as a psychological block coming up. Then I thought, nah fuck that. Gotta break some eggs to make an omelette. But after this was repeated a few times I decided to change the nature of the request I was making (shit, what if there’s some kinda collateral I wouldn’t be cool with…). I’ll just have to see what comes now, I guess.

I didn’t feel too drained, and had intended to do some other stuff but I was tired and didn’t intend to stay up late. So I went to bed instead.

A couple days ago I procured a wooden cigar box at the thrift store. I’ve been meaning to make a “money box”, or “wish box” and it looked like a good box for that.

Something along these lines perhaps, but my own take…

https://forum.becomealivinggod.com/t/rune-magick-for-money-guide/70226?u=arachnos

As part of it relies on cash in the box, I happen to have some stowed away $$$ which I imagine would be a good start.

[crookedpathfinder]

Last night I had called on Malphas.
I wanted to run something by him, but also felt like I owed him a more formal calling.

Previously I had made his sigil in a plate of clay. Had it lying around for awhile and then was basically drawn to it and after some instructions was basically contacted by Malphas.

It was a rather short exchange, but went well. Malphas let me know that the action of a formal calling was appreciated.

After a bit he said: “Dissmiss me”
I gave the dismissal from the triangle. Up to this point I hadn’t really been in the zone, and seeing isn’t truly my strong point (for instance, when I encounter beings in dreams states they’re usually invisible more often than not).

But suddenly, in my mind’s eye I see a crow fly out of the triangle and land on my shoulder flapping around. Then on my head and give me a little peck (enthusiasm it seemed) then back into my shoulder before I stopped seeing it. Then I heard cawing and it seemed an astral murder of crows flew into my space cawing and flying around for a moment before I stopped seeing them. I did hear a few caws off and on after this.

Very cool.

Hail Malphas!

I had turned in early last night at 8:30 or so, and slept like a log.

Feb 1 '21 Mon:

Dream recall:

I was trying to get to a concert? That eventually went out the window.

I was outside, it was slightly drizzling or misting, everything dark.

Suddenly for whatever reason I was in a wonder woman costume (wtf, also it’s unclear whether I was me in the costume or someone else).

I come upon an outdoor gathering of wonderwoman cosplayers. Some kind of competition? Something sporty?

There’s a large brick wall, with fire escape ladders, and open doors. It almost looks like a tall building without a roof and dilapidated like some kinda ruins. Urban collisuem or something I guess…

Instead of just walking through the door I start scaling the wall. I have knives or spikes shoot out of my boots that I use to scale this wall.

I scale it once but then end up back on the ground only to try to scale it again but not doing so well the second time.

I then meet a lady I haven’t seen in over 7 years at least (maybe more like ten?)

She’s a tall lady, maybe six feet. Goth, lotta tattoos, strong personality.

She’s with a girl, and they have a baby with them. Or was it a cat? There’s a short exchange here about a few things and repeated mention of “grandma”. Dunno what went on there.

I’m outside near some really dilapidated modern ruins. There’s a few cats running around.

I see an orange cat that should be dead walking around.

Curious, I pick it up only for it to now be a mummified ugly corpse of the same cat with fucked up eyes and shit, seemingly stuck to a tray like you would buy meat on, in a sitting position.

I suddenly start talking to the cats corpse repeatedly asking it if it “has the secret to immortality”.

When I put the corpse down it’s suddenly a live cat walking around again and I begin to think this cat is a ghost…

That’s all I remember.

---

Yesterday I had watched JS and Barbie Garret’s video about their Barashakushu “wish boxes” and was amused to note the boxes they used are very much like the wooden cigar box I bought which opens in the same manner, only my box is bigger. Should I take this as a sign? My initial intention is to work with Bune, but…

At lunch today I went out for a burger. My order number was 11, and whether consciously or unconsciously the cashier gave me the tent numbered #11 to sit down with as I waited.

11,11, I found this amusing…

[crookedpathfinder]

Something I didn’t put down.

Last night before bed I made an offering to Lilith of a black tealights leftover from Halloween with blood on it. I then energized it by pushing energy into it, when I was done I felt a bit of a drain. I then did similar with a stick of rose incense.

It occurs to me that the first bit of the dream I remember might be her influence…

Still don’t know what the corpse cat was about.

[crookedpathfinder]

Well today is interesting so far…

Feb 2nd '21 Tues:

Dream recall:

Two dreams,
First one I don’t recall all the details but it centered around some kinda battle of some sort and there was some kinda western shit going on.

Being out in some kind of prairie land setting…

Mainly, there was an older man with one leg and a metal prosthetic wearing a weather-beaten duster down to his ankles and a dirty sorta western hat, flat brimmed.

We win some kinda fight. I don’t know if I was on his side per se or just got caught up in things.

He mentions something about (what sounds like a curse), finally taking care of some folks and stopping their hearts. He said it began with increased heart rates before finally taking them over a period of time.

I time travel?
I apparently travel back in time to set up an altar inside of what looks like some kind of large warehouse. Seemingly this altar was important but needed to exist sooner than it already did for a reason I don’t remember or never knew.

I see the older man again, realize I went into the past and begin questioning him on it and why I time traveled. He apparently was up to speed on a lot of this, but I don’t remember the conversation that followed…,.

Dream:#2

I’m outside playing with some cats. (Cats seem to be a theme now?)

A crow lands and warily is befriended by me. While playing with the crow it either gives me a stack of mail, or I notice it has some.

I thumb through it, but only looked at what appeared to be checks. They had my sisters names on them, and each appeared to be just over 1000 dollars or so. I thought these were some kind of loansharking ads in the dream, but they almost looked like government checks or what a bank might give you now that I’m awake and can reflect on it.

I go back to playing with the crow and cats, and see my neighbor. We have a brief exchange.

Somehow, I end up in her home.
I’m looking around and it seems largely empty.

I then notice her bed, a bunch of diapers and what appeared to be a crib in the corner. “She has a baby?”

Woke up shortly after that.

In the space between waking and sleeping I decided to work on some energetic shielding as it would be easier to visualize and I was already in a very relaxed state.

Last night before bed I’d been reciting Bunes enn. Maybe the checks are a sign of some kind of monetary help? I dunno.

It would be amusing (though not for my neighbor I’m sure), if my neighbor turned out to be pregnant at some point soon. I doubt it though. We shall see…

There’s a couple of crows that live nearby and are around throughout the day off and on. This morning they were cawing a lot (sounded like they might have some friends) by the time I started to drive off they flew away in the direction I was about to go. Nice

When I had gotten up and dressed, I saw an astral crown fly in through my window and land on my shoulder flapping it wings. The same one from before I believe.

I think…Malphas may have given me some kind of crow spirit familiar. Cool

Going to leave, I said let’s go. I sensed a sort of waiting a few feet from the door…

Twenty minutes or so of Qigong at my lunch break.

Interestingly I sensed thee was some kinda muck around my heart. Possibly related to something I’ve been dealing with for awhile now.

I removed this muck, and visualized it being out into an astral blender. I thought about trying to devour it and put it in the lower Dan Tien but thought better of it.

When I tried to throw it away, it would just come zooming back.

I visualized my hand slicing a hole open into the void and shoved that shit in there and zipping the hole closed. Plan on a cleansing salt bath today. Dunno what that shit was about.

Later while I was working I kept seeing this astral hand seeming to want to fuck with my heart or whatever. I ended up pulling this wierd looking misshapen gremlin, ghoul thing and astrally fighting it a bit before it called some big friend over. (All I could see was a shadowy silhouette with a body shape reminiscent of Taz but with strong arms, maybe horns?) I ended up fighting that for a bit before it surrendered. I told it to go back where it came from, but after a bit of backnforth (mostly me communicating and receiving responses with either nodding, head shaking, or gestures from the silhouette) I agreed to let it hang around and it seemed to want to be my friend or in my service now. I was like, “yeah, we’ll see…”

Now, I could write that off as very active imagination but after all this I definitely felt an energetic lift like I wasn’t having to repel something anymore. Interesting…

Edit:

I’m sitting here, and in my mind’s eye I see a female entity with some red thread in her mouth like she’s sewing something together and she pats my heart after. Did I just get some astral surgery or whatever?

It’s actually the second time I’ve seen this female, but I have a feeling she wouldn’t appreciate having her description put down. I will thus refrain.

Edit, edit:

It occurs to me that it’s possible I’ve been fighting off some kind of healing that I probably asked for up to now…or maybe not? Seeing the female sew my heartspace up had me thinking…hmmmmmm

[crookedpathfinder]

Something I just remembered and want to put down before I forget again.

I think it was during the second dream this morning, I heard a female voice call me and tell me something. Don’t remember what was said, but it definitely sounded like it came from outside the dream. I noticed this, but quickly disregarded it as the dream went on.

[crookedpathfinder]

Missed a day…

Dream recall:

Failed to hold onto the rest but I parked my bike outside what seemed to be a large restaurant of some sort.

Strangely, I detached my braided hair from my head (I had long hair for a long time but cut it back in mid to late September so now it’s short) and put it away in my pack while singing If you have ghosts​:notes:…(is there a message in this song in relation to my hair? Putting the past away?)

Suddenly some hoodlums that kind of had a cholo gangster vibe about them called something out to me. Seemed they didn’t like me being around for whatever reason. I felt cocky though, but don’t remember how I responded. I may have mentioned getting the police.

The rest is foggy.

On the way to work I pulled up right behind a car with 3333 at the end of the license plate. Hahaha

At lunch I did twenty minutes of Qigong with some new nuances involving the cardinal directions.

Curiously, when I was doing “descending waterfall” (I believe it’s called) as I was bringing my hands down in front of me they seemed to be pushed or pulled forward. It occurs to me this may be related to my lower Dant Tien. Is my Dan Tien enjoying enough energy to push my hands forward?

Towards the end I started to feel some tingling and buzzing in my left hand mostly but to an extent in my left as well. I also felt that if I just went with the flow I might’ve been doing some interesting things, but I was on my lunchbreak and didn’t have time…

I’ve been meaning to start doing Qigong twice a day but we’ll see.

When I had gotten home, for a moment my apparent astral crow flew into my shoulder and flapped around before flying off again while I was walking up the stairs to my apartment. Pretty cool.

I meant to call on Archangel Raphael, but seem to have an internal resistance going on around healing. Dunno what that’s about…do I not want to let go of something? Do I not want to commit to some serious healing? Is there an underlying fear? Is it that internally I don’t want that change?

Anyway…

Halfmoon being upon us, as per how I schedule, it’s the time to charge or feed my primary servitor/familiars.

I decided to focus on the more jealous one first.

I set her vessel in the circle and triangle, my three personal sigils at each point of the triangle.

I drew her sigil out on an index card and activated the sigil while vibrating her name. I then pushed energy into the card and imbued it with energetic potency.

I like to use Kanji in this process normally, but didn’t feel like looking up the relevant kanji. I remember カ (power), so used that and wrote out the other effects and qualities of this feeding that I wanted.

I then pricked my finger, and smeared blood on the sigil and card.

Funnily enough when all was said and done, I felt like the blood wasn’t really necessary and didn’t get too much of a drain from this whole operation. Maybe my energy work has me charged up enough not to feel a drain. Maybe she’s got so much energy already that a feeding is more a courtesy at this point than anything else.

The very first time I’d offered her blood cuz I sensed she needed a big boost I was massively drained…

I placed my small fire bowl next to the triangle and used alcohol that had wormwood and sacred tobacco steeped in it.

Her primary element is fire, so I told her to feed from this fire as well. I burned the sigil and mentally I kept getting an image of the fire bowl exploding or whatever, enough so that I was afraid something was actually gonna happen. (Guess I overdid it…)

I then placed a charged black tealight in her vessel and lit it. An idea, I focused on imbuing this candle with black flame, by opening up darkness within my heart chakra and then pulling out black fire and pushing it into the candle. This was well received.

I granted her the new ability to feed from negative or stagnant energy and this was received with enthusiasm.

That was basically it for yesterday.

I grounds myself by eating some ramen and watching a little TV before bed.

[crookedpathfinder]

Still a day behind. Le sigh…

Yesterday, no dream recall. Bad sleep habits stayed up too late the night before. I remember waking up with some kind of distinct impression from what I dreamt but I’ve forgotten that too.

No Qigong, lack of discipline I suppose. For some reason I refer doing it at work on my lunch break. But if I don’t, it seems like I’m very much less inclined to do it at home.

Am I too comfortable at home? This might be something I need to correct and/or war against…

I went thrifting after work, on the hunt for potential ritual items or things for my sacred space(s) or altar.

I found two large green glass goblets. My first thought was…“Hekate”…
They’re an interesting shade of absinthe green. That sort of otherworldly, undead, underworld sort of green…

I purchased them, and they will serve as candleholders primarily, but could also be used for libations. They’re large enough that I can turn them over to choke candles.

At a different thrift store I acuired two stainless steel mixing bowls that had tones I liked. Poor man’s bells, they can sing if I use my small Tibetan bowls mallet but aren’t very loud. Great bells, so, so singing bowls…

If I were to acquire more than a few I could probably get real crazy and have a bell fest in my home. Not to mention I could use them for their otherwise intended purpose…

When I got home, I cleaned my new items and experimented with my “bells”.

I placed Hekates new altar pieces in her space.

I felt the need to Christen these and wanted to show some love to Hekate. I lit two tealights in the new items and lit a stick of rose incense and two cones of frankincense.

I felt like I was being asked to commune, so I turned off the lights and sat in front of the altar trying to clear my mind…

I decided to take this a step further and brought out my black mirror and placed it on the wall. Unfortunately this doesn’t work out so good because it ends up sitting a little high. I was undeterred though.

After a bit I started to see in my mind’s eye, a hag or crone in the mirror…(“interesting…I don’t feel like that’s Hekate though…shit. I don’t wanna be dealing with this kinda thing…”)

Tbh, I didn’t have a set intention when staring in the mirror other than to practice scrying and maybe see Hekate if my senses weren’t too dull at that moment.

At some point I saw arms come out of the mirror and this crone spirit pulled itself through (in my mind’s eye) after I tried to push it back in a few times. How annoying…(this better not lead to some fucked up nightmares…)

I made some statements of what wouldn’t be tolerated, and had a few faces made at me or whatever but all in all whatever this was didn’t really cause any issue beyond annoyance.

Funnily enough, despite it’s previous stubbornness it very politely floated back into the mirror and dissappeared when I gave the disssmissal for anything that may have come through during this session. In fact it left before I could even finish said dissmissal.

Go figure.

I then was watching a stream for a few hours.

At some point I started to sense a very creepy sensation around me that seemed to be drawn by the conversation of the stream. But this later stopped after a few mins. Hmmmm…whatever.

Towards the end of the stream I made some shells and cheese and while I was cooking I felt some tingles on my left leg and around my head. I verbally acknowledged these sensations, “oh, okay. I definitely feel that! Saying hi?”

The previous day I got a lot of tingles on my head when I got an altar setup for charging my servitor/familiars.
Excitement or interest because I was doing something more formal than usual I guess.

Got to bed late last night. Went to sleep around 1am.

Earlier that night I’d been thinking that I should start doing Raziel’s anti-attachment and parasite mantra for awhile. I feel like it might do me some good. Also, it would be a new discipline to practice for awhile.

I might do some of the other mantras as well…

Something else to note:
A previous day I noted that I’d seen a female entity sewing up my heartspace with red thread.

I saw this female again later. She seemed drawn to my heart for some reason. Licking it, and seemingly massaging it? Wierd…(to be clear, I didn’t sense any malice or nefarious intention or I’d have been in “go mode” and astrally fought this. I did however bat her away with my hand out of annoyance)

Haven’t seen her since that though.
I didn’t really get any other sensations. I know astral sight can be a little wierd, but it’s a little hard for me not to want to write it off as unconscious bullshit or psychodrama…I remain a bit of a skeptical person despite my magical practice at times. I don’t want to get sucked into a rabbithole of my own making and delusion. Anyway…

Feb 5th '21 Friday:

No dream recall, sleep was meh and I kept hitting snooze.

I’m a bit dissapointed because earlier in the week I was getting tired around 8pm and going to bed early and rising at a better time more appropriately. Now that’s a bit out the window. Haha

Today was a rather ho hum kinda day.

I was feeling a certain way thought and had contemplated invoking Satan, but then thought better of it, because it was a slow low energy kind of day and I wasn’t sure I needed to be adversarial and shit in that kind of environment. Aw, well. Maybe next time. Hahahaha

Actually I thought I got an impression of being told something to the effect of “you aren’t ready”. Excusé moi? Lol

Something funny however must be noted.

If I go back a day…
I was seeing a lot of green at the thrift stores. I had actually gone to Walmart and noticed some folks wearing green as well (not to mention the green glasses I’d bought).
The two days before that I’d felt compelled to wear my one green shirt to work twice.

Leaving work I realized that the office lady was wearing a green shirt.

What does it mean?…

I received my copy of Damon Brands "Archangels of Magick today. How exciting.

I’ve already used one of the talismans in the book. “To realize ones gifts”
I’ll see what happens.

I might incorporate the opening ritual (basically circlecasting) into my Qigong practice before I build energy and see how that goes…

Edit:

Things I was contemplating the other day…

1: Reiki…I’m sure I could do reiki. It could represent a supplementary income opportunity if I was to learn and do it off and on for people or whatever. Otherwise I’d just do it for myself primarily anyway…

2: Something I’ve already been doing for awhile is that I like to imbue things with runes by drawing them out with the index and middle fingers of my right hand and pushing the energy into something.

It occurred to me, inspired by ninja kuji…that, I could do something similar with runes. Moreover, using runes baneful aspects (merkstave) one could draw them out and then “strike” with the sword hand mudra. On the opposite end, runes could be drawn out and projected to the recipient for healing or whatever the intended goal is.

Actually, now that I typed it out it doesn’t. Seem like a very groundbreaking idea. At any rate…

[crookedpathfinder]

Last night I got to bed late.
I did a healing rite with Archangel Raphael before bed.

Feb 6th '21 Sat:

Woke up kinda early today, no dream recall.

Once I shook off the last bit of sleep I immediately went to do some Qigong. I was listening to the “Northern spirits” playlist on Spotify while I did so.

I did the circle ritual from “Archangels of magic” before I really got into my energy practice.

I tried to incorporate the Archangels of the quarters into directional energy stuff I’m trying.
Though it seemed like a good idea, in execution not do much because there’s a divergence in the directions and associated energies. Just felt real confusing. It was an idea at any rate.

Speaking of directions, I was going over some stuff earlier and it occurs to me I should study the Ba Gua and some associated literature a bit. I feel like I’m definitely supposed to work with directional energy and am on the right track for now somewhat. Further study will be necessary, but moreover a solid effort at working with the energy of each direction especially.

Note: The Taoist ba Gua has the south at the top of the diagram, essentially an inverted compass

In the middle of my Qigong, I sat down to chant **Raziel’s anti attachment mantra for about 20 mins, and Raziel’s magical potential mantra for about ten. After a little more Qigong I felt an instruction to closedown, and did so.

I normally chant a bit of rune Galdr (Thurisaz is really good), or some kind of mantra (Koetting’s chant for rowsing magical power, or Behemoth X’s chant for The Black Flame) while I’m doing Qigong on the exhalations. I’ve even used demonic enns on some occasions. So, now I’ll probably incorporate the Raziel mantras into it instead for awhile (primarily the anti attachment one).

I think the Raziel mantras did something, though I can’t quite place a finger on it. I did get a bit of a tingling buzz from vibrating them near the front of my mouth.

Seems the green glassware for Hekate was much appreciated. I felt a pull to light candles for her space.

While I was at it I lit some candles for Lilith, and the demonic altar.

I don’t know that I really needed it, but I felt compelled to take a cleansing bath today.

Later on I happened to be thinking about Azazel, and I then felt a mood of displeasure. It seems I haven’t properly kept in touch…(I’m a shitty friend and keeping in touch is not at all my strong suit. I always say it’s like I’m a stray cat, if I don’t come around I don’t mean anything by it I just didn’t come around. Lol)

To be completely honest though, Azazel is rather a bit particular and I find it a bit trying in my interactions with him. This leads to a reluctance to call him up because I sit there like, “but he’s probably gonna critique everything and call out my haphazardness and sloppiness, or lack of form, ugh…” (Lol)

I was thinking of evoking him but was told, “He’ll come to you…” I was like, oh shit but was informed that wasn’t meant negatively.
(I wonder if it’ll be something like that)

@crookedpathfinder

I then spend the next couple of hours drifting in-between sleep and wakefulness.

Initially, I can see the rest of the bed and the room next to my bedroom.

I start to see these rippling waves of black energy with crackling black electricity or whatever flowing by my feet to the right into the next room.

Somehow I just knew that it was Azazel . I started to hear a lot of low voiced talking in the background of the next room, and some rather impressive growling …

Somehow the energy gives me a slight anxiety and I felt a bit uneasy. The talking and growling was a bit creepy too. I decide “I don’t feel like dealing with this right now…” So I decide to leave and head out the door…

Oh, wait.

There was this wierd bit while I was lying in bed where I kept seeing a female, but it was like she was being projected into me by Azazel or something. Somehow I thought this had to with my mother. It was rather a bit disorienting because at times I couldn’t tell if I was having my own experience, hers, a mixture, or whatever. Dunno wtf that was about…

^To date, *Azazel’s energy *has been some of the heaviest and most demonic feeling that I’ve experienced. Though tbh, I don’t normally get strong manifestations and that might be an issue of my senses not being super open…

Seemingly in confirmation of this, I had gone out to do something and when I descended the stairwell of my complex, directly across from me was some kind of work truck with a license plate who’s numbers started with 666. The signs are so obvious sometimes…lol

When I’d gotten back, I noticed this truck had something about welding and similar services on it. Welding, metallurgy…Azazel, right? Hahaha
Wonders never cease…

Maybe a half an hour ago, I did a ritual out of Archangels of Magic using Raziel’s power sigil (why not) for “realizing ones magical ability”. I saw some things (not very clearly cuz my clairvoyance is poor at best).
I felt a little drained after actually, always a good sign.

Now I’ll probably turn in early.

Sidenote:
I happened to look up at a newly acquired wall tapestry only to see a wierd visual effects/anomaly the likes of which I’ve really only seen during some drug fueled adventures…I don’t think I’m able to replicate this instance though the black and white of this tapestry seems to lend itself to visual anomalies. Might be nothing, but it was wierd. Looked like some of it was zoomed in and then slowly retreated back into place only for the thing to start nebulously undulating slowly before the effect seemed to stop.

Sidesidenote:
Some days ago I was asked to smear blood on an angel figurine I happen to have for some years. I don’t know if it’s related to acquiring this book and my current endeavor to use it and connect with Archangels…

[crookedpathfinder]

Shit, guess I’m three days behind?

Feb 10, '21 Wed:

Firstly, dream recall:

Only remember that yesterday I dreamt I was in a witchs house looking for something. She wasn’t home but would be back shortly. In the meantime I was going through her stuff looking for whatever it was.

The whole environment was very dark, kinda eerie and had a sort of abandoned vibe to it like a place that isn’t often inhabited. It was otherwise a fairly modern home.

This morning I didn’t remember any dreams but had a rather funny occurrence.

Not wanting to get up so soon, I kept hitting snooze.

At some point in an in-between state sitting there with my eyes closed, I suddenly see a woman in a space that lacks any detail other than the dimensions and boundaries around her (overlayed over the room).

I don’t really recall details about her so good and what follows may be confabulated memory…

Shew was tall, blonde, wearing some type of dress. Her hair was up in a bun? There may have been a floral pattern on her skirt. Looked maybe between late twenties and early thirties in age.

She sort of walked up, (or did she appear?) And looking right at me says:
"You really need to get up now…"

This jarred me awake, and I just kind of chuckled at this. “Well, damn hahaha”

Needless to say, I stopped fucking around and got up after a few moments.

---

Let’s start at Sunday:

A rather lazy day to be honest.

Hekate wanted me to bring my jar of grave dirt out. Something about “Ancestors”.

I was asked to light a candle and placed it atop the dirt in the jar and a stick of incense.

Earlier I had lit candles for Hekate and incense as well.

Upon questioning, I was told not to do anything and that Hekate would take care of everything.

My understanding was she would ferry spirits in or out that day or whatever. As far as “Ancestors” or whatever went this seemed to coincide with my decision to watch the Superbowl at home.

My grandparents lived in Kansas for a good portion of their lives. I couldn’t help but think that my grandfather probably would’ve liked to see the game…

I did a deep clean of the home.

That night I did one of the rituals from Archangels of magic but I don’t remember what. Probably good. Lol no lust for result.

Honestly, the last few days are a lil fuzzy. Huh…

The other day, I at some point saw in my mind’s eye the silhouette of a female that was somewhere between teal and turquoise in color place a hand over my heart and lean forward to kiss me. This surprised me a bit. It’s oddly reminiscent of something Succupedia has mentioned before (I was going to hunt down the particular comment, but that might take AGES).

I’m not aware that I have an ubi around me. Or that there’s been one around me that I’ve been aware of. I don’t know what to make of this. It’s possible however that it’s a spirit I work with. I recently did a self love rite with Astarte some time ago and kind of wonder if that was her. Can’t say either way…🤷

Of course there’s also the female I was getting mental images of off and on for a few days, who sewed up my heart space rather mysteriously with red thread. Related? Dunno…

This female in question appears with yellow eyes, hands and legs stained black with long nails or claws shortish hair I think, greyish skintone…last time I thought she had a short tail, but it’s fuzzy.

The first time I saw her, she had a large mouth full of large pointy teeth in a sort of “scary Cheshire cat grin” that dominated her face. To the point that at moments it was the only thing on her face outside of her yellow serpentine or catlike eyes. That initial interaction was a bit strange, and I mentally told her something to the effect of “if you could, can you appear to me in a more pleasing way? It’s not that your appearance is unpleasant, or that you scare me, but you seem a bit menacing and it makes it hard for me to not be on my guard. I hope I’m not offending”. This seemed to go ignored. 🤷 I was actually in the bathtub having a soak when she appeared to me in my mind’s eye…

I’m largely undecided on what to make of all this and my initial inclination is to want to write it off, but…

Moving on…

Tues? I was listening to Wardruna, wait no, I think it was Monday.

I was listening to “Helvegen”, and I started to get emotional. I sensed that there was some deep hurt being prodded by the song, and figuring this may be something related to healing and shadow work I decided to try to release this. With much resistance at first, it finally gave way a bit and I’m not afraid to admit that for a few moments, I sobbed. This fell away and I felt a measure of relief. Though, whatever hurt is tied to this instance is definitely larger than the moment of release I had. At any rate, a small something was healed I believe. It was a very spiritual moment.

Correction, this occurred Sunday. I wondered afterward if it may have been connected to something with the ancestors and the song in question. I’m not gonna overthink it.

Mon and Tues, I maintained my Qi gong practice. Today I skipped on account of how damn cold it is today. I’ll try to do it before bed at any rate.

The other day while doing this, I was feeling a few different pulls while moving the energy around, and yesterday it seemed like my hands were wanting to move in new forms. Very interesting.

I’m currently working with the cardinal directions and their energies during my practice. I was feeling pulled towards Hel the other day while doing this. I don’t know if that’s an actual calling or a subconscious is thing.

I have a mind to work out some kind of directional thing calling on deities, but especially Hel.

Speaking of Hel, yesterday I wanted music while I practiced and decided on Wardruna. At the end of the session I listened to Halvegen (the way to Hel), and received the following inspiration which was just as much a vision as an inspiration. To make a playlist for my Qigong practice that ends with Helvegen which would be my cue to closedown. Ideally if I could memorize the lyrics I’d sing along.

This should be done in the morning in such a way as to end at sunrise…

As the song ends and I face the rising sun, I would recite aloud and with feeling the 76th and 77th stanzas of the Havamal:

"Cattle die, kinsman die, the SELF must also die…
But glorious reputation never dies
For the man that earns himself a good one…

Cattle die, kinsman die, the SELF must also die…
But one thing I know which does not die:
The reputation of each dead man…"

"Deyr fé
deyja frændr
deyr sjálfr it sama
en orðstírr
deyr aldregi
hveim er sér góðan getr"

"Deyr fé
deyja frændr
deyr sjálfr it sama
ek veit einn
at aldri deyr
dómr um dauðan hvern"

This is a reminder of the death of the self. But also that the self is continually being reborn. And then, of course mortality.

Upon reciting the verses and facing or saluting the rising sun, something along the following should be said:

"I walk through the gate of tomorrow…
Away from what was and has been.
Leaving behind the self of yesterday…

I walk into the self of today as I face what will now be.

Each dawn a new birth.
Each night a new death (sleep)."

Ideally this should be accompanied by fire along the lines of a Hindu Agnihotra and when appropriate things could be cast into the fire (ideally something that needs be let go of…)
Add or remove incense at these proceedings. Also, bell.

Failing this, doing it at sundown seems equally appropriate.

This only issue around sunrise would be my lack of morning discipline. Lol

Currently, before I start my energy practice I salute each direction and ring a bell in honor of the spirits of those directions.

[Mist home is North, the other arms of the Aegisjalmer being directions of the compass. This would place Hel in the southwest…incidentally, these associations should line up with the Ba Gua]

I had recited the anti attachment mantra while I was practicing.

I believe Monday morning after having recited the anti attachment mantra, I had started to feel some rather intense Rage…internal blockage? Perhaps an attachment I unconsciously won’t let go? In which case the mantra stirs up emotion around said attachment?
Seems to be related to family judging by the rage I was feeling as I self-examined it.

The other day I did another ritual out of Archangels of magic. Initially I was gonna do one thing but my head was turned away from it in a moment of partial possession. (“You don’t need it [at this moment]”)

I was like, okay…what do I need then? I got it. I’ll let the book fall open to the appropriate page…

Michael. My eyes were drawn to the bottom of the page and a power that seemed very apt to something that’s been bothering me. Very well…

If I recall anything else I’ll add it to the journal but for now I’m tired of typing.

[crookedpathfinder]

Shit, four days behind?

Feb 14 '21 Sun:

The only dream recall I have is from the day previous.

At some point I was outside. All of a sudden I say, “hey, watch this!” With a cocky grin.

I begin cawing loudly, it actually felt like my throat and vocal chords were engaged. Wouldn’t have surprised me if I was actually doing this in my sleep.

I’m greeted by responding caws, and what starts as three crows quickly grows to a group of fifteen circling, cawing and landing. One or two coming right up to me.

Different sequence, I’m in some shabby neighborhood that feels like something you might see in a horror movie or something edgy.

I come upon some kind of standalone porch or scaffolding.

A powerful woman that I seem to remember as wearing a trenchcoat, is holding a large man who’s wearing a dress for some reason.

She proceeds to hurl this man into a rather large fire to be burned alive, only to promptly jump in herself I think.

Afterward, I’m going through the ashes and the man’s head is now a woman’s head. But it looks fake like some kind of model made from a cast of a real person. There’s also limbs in the ashes and I look around to see a menagerie of limbs and heads scattered all around.

---

Today I did anywhere from two hours of Qigong and meditation. This was after applying some flying ointment an hour or so before. Not sure if it’s related but at the begining I seemed to see auras around my hands. Sort of blackish, but I had the impression of a purplish blue being in them.

As I’ve been doing, I saluted the cardinal directions and the spirits of those directions with my bell.

At one point, I mentally saw hands drawing runes on/into my body as I chanted Galdr towards the end of my energy practice.

I chanted the Raziel anti attachment mantra as well, probably 15 mins in total.

At one point my hands were tingling and my left hand especially was kind of buzzing.

I even fit some light pranayama in there somewhere

The previous two days I didn’t do energy work. The day before that I did.

On the 11th, I lit two candles for my primary servitor/familiars and anointed said candles with my blood after pushing energy into them and astral/energetic sigils of my servitor/familiars into them.

I then programmed these candles to not only be “food” but to act as conduits by way of my blood so that they could siphon off my energy (or enhance) as I did my energy work. I furthermore put my blood on my ajna chakra and the bottoms of my feet.

This seemed to work very well as I was feeling a LOT of energy for the duration of my practice (little over an hour or more).

I meant to do something with Lilith on the eleventh but was tired and went to sleep with the intent to wake up at the middle of the night. Failed to do so. Meant to try again the night after, failed again.

I need to let go of the idea of doing rituals late at night cuz it really doesn’t work for me. Lol

I’ll just have to do them earlier. 🤷

Haven’t really done anymore from Archangels of magic. I’d like to try one of the invocations but they take five days which I find a bit annoying. But if it gets results…

I know I’m missing somethings I wanted to write down.

When did I get this forgetful? Ugh

[crookedpathfinder]

Feb 15 '21 Mon:

Strange dream this morning.

I kept coming back to a large pool area like you might see at an expensive resort or whatever.

After some other things I do t currently remember, I came upon a very tanned woman who was kinda bundled up in a ball so that I didn’t really see any defining features such as her face.

For some reason, I was rather a bit attracted to her though.

I slipped into the water and slowly and cautiously put my arms around her.

She started saying something about wanting to dig a hole to put herself into (I understood this as being about digging her own grave or something), and though she had a bit of a smile and a very low-key upbeat attitude there was a feeling of being very tired and wanting to throw the towel in.

This lady turned out to be somebody I used to know, and she started talking to me for a bit. It kind of felt like she wanted an intimate relationship with me.

(Still being in the water), at some point during the conversation I began to feel a tugging/pulling on my right foot that came with a feeling of “you need to get away from this person” and a slight sense of urgency.

I was then called out by some dude for apparently something about a gun or stealing something.

Followed him back into a store to show I hadn’t done anything. He made a few quick comments and I was good. Immediately after that I realized that this was a ploy to get me away from the woman I had been talking to.

With a sense of amusement, I woke up.

[crookedpathfinder]

Today’s been a bit meh.

Off and on blackouts all day due to weather (my state isn’t really used to this).

Went on a long walk for a few hours to enjoy sun and snow.

Before this however, I kept feeling a pull. My attention was wanted for something before I left. With some prompting, I kept getting the impression (“food…”). I thought it might be one of my servitors but this was met with a no. I couldn’t really figure out what was being communicated or who was communicating it for sure, so I made note of it and went out.

Because of the blackouts I’ve been sitting in the dark with candles burning.

Taking advantage of this I felt like chanting a mantra.

Initially, when I started I was staring into a corner of the room and began to see a pale blue bright light coming off my legs like a rather bright aura.

This caught me way off guard. (Mainly because what I was seeing was surprisingly bright…)

I wanted to write it off but couldnt figure out how it may be a trick of the light or how the candle could produce it, and towards the end of my chosen mantra the room was rather dark and I didn’t see any similar effect that could’ve created that glow. Very interesting…

During the course of this I also saw a black orb fly by that corner of the room twice. I mentioned that I saw this aloud to whatever it might be.

I couldn’t help but think how much more of this kind of thing I might notice if I wasn’t regularly distracted by whatever I may be engaged in…

I’ve been seeing things off and on since yesterday. An effect of the flying ointment the day before?

Last night I saw what looked like a small astral bug crawl along my wall near my altar.

Earlier in the day I had seen a wierd white shape in the corner of my vision but couldn’t make anything out.

Previous experience is that I see things more around the new moon especially, and that was Feb eleventh. Current moon is only five days in. Related?

Edit:
I’ve been getting this off and on anxiety…

I think it has more to do with the blackouts than anything. Related to some previous experience maybe?

Maybe there’s some shadow work in there somewhere… Is it the feeling of uncertainty?

[crookedpathfinder]

Thurs Feb 18 '21:

Don’t feel like making a long entry at the moment.

Last couple of days have sort of just blended together.

Last night, I was trying to maintain alertness as I fell asleep.

I don’t remember everything I felt, but there was an interesting sensation of pulling through the top of my head. Kinda like somebody was trying to pull me out or something.

I think there was some other ernergitc things going on, but I hardly remember (been drinking before bed).

[crookedpathfinder]

Feb 20th '21 Sat:

Very strange dream…

I was at somebody’s place, seemed like it was for a party or something. Birthday? There was a cake involved.

At some point I notice a girl I haven’t seen in awhile (few years).

Previously, she had an interest in me and though I did have an off and on attraction to her, when it really came down to it I wasn’t really interested in having much to do with her and gave her the cold shoulder.

So, seeing her in this setting felt rather awkward…(oh, shit. It’s that girl…fuck. I need to get out of here)

I pretended not to see here, and tried to make myself less conspicuous so she wouldn’t notice me.

EDIT: I just remembered that I saw her holding a copy of the Simon Necronomicon with what looked like a journal that had a printed label saying “AGGA MASSARRATU” on it. It also had a whole bunch of colored sticky note tabs poking out of the pages and stuff and for a moment I was staring at these books in her hand thinking "No way…holy shit "

I was lying down for some reason.

She came up behind me and tugged on my pants near my butt blowing air on the small of my back (damnit). Well, that’s a bit forward…

“Oh, hey ________! I haven’t seen you in awhile!” I said as I turned around.

She was beaming with excitement and her eyes sparkled just a bit.

I started to realize that I was feeling a bit attracted and aroused by her. And yet, I still felt that inhibition that I didn’t really want to get involved with her.

Suddenly she looks a little cautious (though somewhat optimistic) and says “I know you’re probably not very excited to see me” and something else I don’t remember.

I don’t remember how I responded but I was kind of in the moment and reached out a hand to touch her shoulder.

She drew back a little, and started to look a bit shy and said something I don’t remember.

I immediately thought, (So you initiated but you still want me to lead. Lol After being all flirtatious and everything haha) with just a bit of annoyance. Once again I started to think how I wasn’t really interested in being a part of her life or having much to do with her at all tbh.

I don’t remember how this sequence ended exactly, but I think I managed to make my exit or some circumstance meant I needed to leave for something.

Also, I was under the distinct impression that something was trying to push me towards this girl. It may have even been said to me but I don’t remember.

I remember the way she was looking at me fondly as I left.
And my general feeling of not having it. Lol

And yet, there is a certain attraction there and a thought of “but what if?…”

(Upon waking as I layed in bed some romantic fantasies about me and this girl played through my head for a few moments before I finally said to myself “enough! I’m not interested!”)

I’m out and about. There’s been an announcement of some sort.

A new experimental siren or whatever is going to go off and if you’re not indoors safe from the sound there may be drastic consequences.

A frantic search for someplace to lay low when it goes off.

In the distance there’s a tall radio tower sort of metal thing against the sky, and a siren cone that looks to be as big as a two story house…

People frantic everywhere.

I’m outside a building that I can’t seem to get inside.

Finally there’s a series of what seem to be single restrooms people are hiding in.

Each one has a keypad and a little green screen that displays a message.

Some of the messages on these doors were a little wierd and mildly disturbing.

I open one door and there’s a disheveled kind of manic person in there with a disgusting urinal or whatever and piss on the floor.

HELL. NO…

I find an empty one and frantically try to program a password on the lock before whatever it is goes off.

I’m going to make the little message screen say, “UwU” hehehehe

I’m inside for just a bit before there’s a knock and I’m told it’s all over.

“But I didn’t hear anything!?”

Apparently the sound is outside human hearing but I’m assured that if I’d been exposed the consequences would’ve been grave…

I’m now concerned about the people I’d been with while I was trying to find shelter. Did they find safe haven?

The last few days I’ve been rather a bit lazy.

I’ve missed a few days of energy practice.

I haven’t been doing anything else out of the Archangels if magic book.

I meant to do more during the blackouts while I was stuck at home and not going to work. But my annoyance at the situation and inconvenience won out.

I meant to do something with one of the powers in Archangels of magic and realized I was sensing a sort of reluctance that seemed to center around some feeling of guilt or shame or whatever. A feeling of potential judgement to be more precise.

I realized there’s still some unconscious programming regarding Angels operating within my psyche. I expressed this aloud. “Well, shit. Looks like there might be some shadow work around how I view you guys subconsciously sometimes. I know better, but that shits still in there somewhere. Imagine that. Thought I was past all that now.”

Not wanting to taint the working I decided to hold off while I self examined this internal block a bit.

Recently, while all the snow was fresh I was walking to get out of the home and enjoy the scenery (also go to the corner store)

There’s something that feels very spiritual about walking in others footsteps as you traverse a snowscape, and it started to fill my head with ideas for a sort of guided meditation or shamanic journey.

The idea of the ancestors kept coming to mind, and the rune Raidho was prominent in my vision of this meditation or shamanic journey.

I may explore and write this out later.

Something ab

[crookedpathfinder]

Yeesh, haven’t made an entry in at least a week.

I’ll try to make a proper entry to get this up to speed at some point before the months over. After that I kind of feel like I should start a new journal as were two months into the year now. Maybe that’s stupid, I dunno.

Ive been having those thoughts, “man, I suck at this” lately. Ive just kinda been meandering. I was sick for most of the week though so that didn’t help and taking medicine had me feeling bleh.

[crookedpathfinder]

Mar 7 '21 Sun ᛊ:

Jesus, twenty one days since a proper entry.

Part of me wants to say, fuck this journal. But that’s stupid.

Whatever

Right now I’m dealing with a mild sort of anxiousness cuz I drank too much last night (a combination of strong beer and not paying attention to how much I was drinking).

A heavy drinking binge usually results in a lot of anxiety in the days after. This morning I managed not to have a hangover but I did have the shakes a bit.

Might fuck me up for a few days, but I’ll live. Not the first time.

On the other hand I suppose I needed it because I woke up feeling a very “let’s get after it!” Kind of mood.

Heavy drinking also has a way of making me want to be really productive the day after sometimes.

Tbh, though…
Yesterday I kept feeling this vague sort of nebulous anxiety all afternoon and can’t help but admit there might’ve been an element of selfmedication to this. Running away from something?

Part of this could be a mild fear of some kind of depressive spell on the horizon…

In the past I’ve had much more of those but the last year or so has seen a lot of that go away.

These go in cycles. I’m interested, I’m dumping energy into some current obsession or whatever, chase, chase, chase, then somewhere down the line I slow down lose steam and whatever it is resolves or dissolves (this can be many months).

Afterward, I might go through a period of boredom and being unenthused or I might start to experience some nasty depressive spell. When I get these depressive spells I feel like my nerves are raw. Even though nothing is wrong…something is…wrong

I know what some may think “dude that sounds like your bipolar.” To which I would assure you Im not.

The funny thing is that in the month or so after finishing my chinnamasta mantra regimen, I really haven’t had a lot of desire for alcohol at all, and have largely refrained.

That’s enough about that though.

This last week or so, I’ve been feeling…I dunno, kinda manic I guess? I have a lot of energy but it’s scattered and direction less.

I’ve been feeling good though.
It seems to correlate to some of the last bit of working I’ve done.

I can’t help but wonder what can of worms I’ve opened? Past me would be scared by this. Current me says “let’s see where this goes…”.

Part of this has been an interesting new self awareness of things within me. Extra clarity?
For example, I’ve become more cognizant of a part of myself that wants attention. It’s not a negative thing, but it’s wierd to suddenly become aware of. Like, “wtf I want people to pay attention to me and interact with me? But I’m such an introvert…”
Part of this seems tied to some kind of “inner child” thing I’ve been feeling that comes with an odd childlike sense of confidence or something.

This comes to mind: I saw a swole doge meme the other day with a caption along the lines of “me at 6: made friends with all the kids on the playground, blah, blah” and I immediately thought “hmmm, kinda feels likes a bit of what I’ve got going on here”

Sidenote: I sort of wonder whether or not Barbie Garret’s Slut water™ that I used in these recent rites night not have played a role in what I’m experiencing…

Also, some interesting stuff that I won’t get into.

Oh jeez…I have so much I need to write down but suddenly don’t want to.

Interesting anecdote:

Last week? I was talking with a co-worker about living situations and whatnot and he made a comment about moving back in with previous roommates.
I was like, yeah not an option.
I also made a passing joke about “I’m not the only thing that moves in, and I don’t think anybody would appreciate my spooks being around”
I felt a tingling start up on my neck and shoulder and couldn’t help but think (lol you liked that acknowledgement did you?) Rather amusingly, by way of conversation I gathered that my coworker interpreted this as meaning I have goth friends or something…

ABBADON:
This last moon, due to a few synchronicities around me, I decided to jump in with calling on Abbadon.

Previously, I want to say back in oct or Nov I had a visit from a very heavy dark energetic presence that felt definitely very masculine. This happened while I was at work and I started to trance out a bit. Had to keep it together so I didn’t wierd out my coworkers. This presence was so heavy that it made me rather a bit nauseous and I almost thought about telling my manager I needed to go home cuz I was sick, but ultimately didn’t. I was also getting a lot of partial possession and my head kept moving around with a strong pull.

I ended up channeling a sigil.
When I looked at this sigil later I got the impression “Abbadon” and thought “no way…really?”

Well evidently, as part of a longer overarching deal initiated primarily by Azazel, I need to work with the abyss in some capacity before I move onto something else. The something else presumably being the shadownomicon, which I think will dovetail into this work somehow. But that’s neither here nor there.

Anyway,
So under the full moon I played abbadons enn on TV and prepared to call him.
Initially this was supposed to be part of a sort of group working that I kinda wanted in on, but when I called him it was very much “Yeah, that’s not what we’re doing. Forget whatever you thought this was gonna be.”

“Call Belial”
Belial is said to be one of the lords of the pit, so this made sense to me. He came quickly. I didn’t get much of a read off Belial but I sensed a sort of proud enthusiasm or something?

I then returned to calling Abbadon and trying to increase his presence.

At one point, I might’ve misinterpreted the room and tried commanding Abbadon.
"YOU WILL NOT COMMAND ME!"
Shit, my bad. I meant no offense.
This was sort of waved away.

I was told to go ahead and lay down for sleep.

“We’ll work on you as you sleep.”
Ok?

Not the first time I’ve received a response like this.
This came with a definite feeling of this is only the beginning…

Amidst all this I had to put up some defenses because it felt very much like some kind of shit was wanting to get in. Related to the abyss somehow?

Also it felt like some threats were being made on my servitors. They’re strong but I was a bit worried. My initial reaction being “the fuck you will motherfucker”.

At any rate, just to be safe I decided I’d call on some Archangels.

Interestingly I was told something to the effect of “Not Michael, he and Belial don’t really get along” (I’ve never heard that, but whatever). I made a statement to the effect of “I call on whoever is most appropriate to this situation. Come and watch or guard my defenses and servants. Lend me your energy, lend me your watchful eyes”

I was lying down during this, and after calling on the angels my left hand was partially possessed and started running through my hair in a nurturing kind of way or something (maybe my matron or another spirit around me). The room also felt like it lightened up. Cool…

I eventually fell asleep.

Also, at one point I had been in front of my altar and even though seeing isn’t really my strong suit, in my mind’s eye I saw what seemed to be a tall being in a fancy sort of ebon black plated suit of armor (Abbadon) behind me put a gauntleted hand on my head and mess my head around much the way you might expect your father to do. I didn’t really know how to feel about that. Lol good vibes though I guess.

The next day I was leaving for work and when I asked one of my primary servitors to accompany me she said “No”.

At first I was like, (fuck you mean no?) But then thought better of this. She never really gives me any trouble, and I recalled last night’s stuff with whatever was going on with needing some heavier protections.

“Do you want to stay behind to maintain defenses?”
(No. Master…rest…)
You’re tired? (Shit wtf was going on while I was asleep?

(Master…yes)
"Stay behind and rest then in your vessel. I can probably handle anything that comes up outside the temple while I’m away. I don’t really expect much though. You’ve done a good job.

Shit, it’s late and I’m tired and I gotta be up early tomorrow. I also didn’t sleep much last night.

Journal name ideas since I feel the need to change it:
"The days and lessons of the Spider" (something like that)
Or
"The lighthouse chronicles" (needs some explanation)

Fuck it, that’s good enough of an entry for the moment.

Edit:
11:15 pm
Lying in bed I started to see the beginning of a dream or something, some dude with a gun or whatever saying something I don’t remember. all of a sudden this got interrupted by an involuntary laugh I let out that strangely sounded like some woman’s laugh somehow. Wtf…
Some kinda partial possession shit?

[crookedpathfinder]

Well, I am bound and determined to get this journal up to snuff and updated with everything I haven’t written down.

I’ve lounged this journal, mainly because reasons, but also because I felt compelled. I may start a lighter more public journal for minor things.

Thus, this may be a rather long post.

Let’s begin:

Mar 8 '21 Mon:

Today has been a bit of a wierd day.

I can’t think of another time that I’ve ever felt this much of a rollercoaster in one morning which finally culminated in a sort of letting go or release and then a sort of calm. Like, holy fuck…

At one point between anxiety and other things I started to think “goddamn it, just what the fuck did I sign up for? Looks like I’m in for a harsh ride”

A lot of this came with a sort of uncomfortable clarity as well…

See, the thing is…
Since about Saturday I’ve been bothered with the feeling that I am lacking.
I’ve really let everything go to shit. I’ve procrastinated. I’ve failed to maintain any real disciplines beyond “I feel like doing X”.

Granted, I was sick for about a week or so and in-between the medicine and whatnot I spent the greater part of a week in a kind of daze. Couldn’t be helped…

Moreover, on the 5th I had the phrase "You’re only as strong as your weakest link" pushed into my mind with a sense of emphasis. It was like someone walked by, slapped a table loudly and kept walking without so much as another word.

I was like, “okaaayyyyy?” But also felt like a criticism and judgement call had been levied at me. You have become a weak link…
Fuck

On top of that I’ve been engaging in this hamster wheel behavior where I just mindlessly inject energy into one thing or another, some of this including some downright fuckery. It’s been like I have a bunch of round holes, but I’m mindlessly jamming squares into at least half of them, and the other half I just waste time and energy on trying to get something that’s not really there and that I cant force.

This is why Saturday afternoon I made a decision.

I’m going to fuck off from a lot of these things (extricate myself from these hamsterwheels).

For my own good I’m giving myself a timeout before I start doing damage or wearing out my welcome among those I’d like to be able to keep company with.

I suspect I’ve already been a source of annoyance for some folks. What’s done is done.

I’ve decided on a period of two months. Though I get the impression I may need to go longer.

On top of that, whatever work I’m apparently supposed or needing to do may not be conducive to other things, so…
Well, we’ll see.

Synchronicities have been a little crazy.

Friday, I had an inclination that I should go to the thrift.

At first I didn’t see anything of interest (well this was a bust) but then I saw it…

A lighthouse lantern for tealights. I’d been kinda wanting one.

This is important for for the following reason…

The lighthouse has become a bit of a totem and psychological symbol for me.

I had previously found and bought a carved serpentine lighthouse at this thrift the very next day after posting a public prayer to Lucifer that incorporated the imagery of a lighthouse (and had been part of a personal prayer is been saying for some months).

On top of this, before finding this lantern I’d happened to be looking at tapestries with lighthouse art the night before on Amazon.

No, it gets even better…

But I gotta talk about yesterday first.

Sunday, I felt like cruising and headed over to the next city.

I felt unconsciously drawn to the cemetery there, and decided to check it out.

“Go to the back of the cemetery”
Fine…

Upon entering the cemetery two crows flew overhead towards the north end (upon leaving I had to notice that I spent a lot of time in the direction they flew).

This is significant for the following reason.

Since last summer I’ve Been having a lot of crow synchronicities and what started out with just one crow at a time has turned into seeing 2 crows quite frequently.

There’s 2 that started hanging out by my apartment complex and can be heard in the early mornings at times, and in the afternoons. I’ve even had one of them land on the roof right above my apartment.

Not only that, but unless it’s the same two (I live nearby), there are two crows that come by my workplace every morning around 8 or 9 AM and sometimes once or twice more in the afternoon after lunch.

I’ve also had oddball crow synchronicities while out and about and even a few cities over.

Anyway, so I parked and started doing a slow walk through the cemetery enjoying the peace and stillness and trying to relax.

I was drawn towards the north end.

I eventually came across a spot with planted trees one or more large angels wind chimes and other things.

As I neared a large headstone with a small statue of a fairy playing a flute (seeing this fairy here somehow felt very right, calming, and somewhat beckoned me) I started to get the phrase “witch” in my head a few times.

It felt like some spirits nearby must’ve taken notice of me and were calling me out as a “witch” (I actually don’t call myself this and don’t really identify with the label, though I’m not really into a lot of high faloitin magic either so I guess I’m rather a bit more “witchy” or shamanic than I am “magicians”).

I saw an old weathered bench.

I sensed I was being asked to sit here.

I sat down and decided to meditate and relax as I listened to the wind chimes and took in the beauty of such a well cared for plot of graves and all the things these people’s relatives had embellished it with.

I have not really maintained a meditation practice, it took awhile but finally my mind began to clear and become more still as previous practice started to set back in.

“Call Abaddon”
Ugh, now? Really? In the cemetery?
(For some reason I had a hangups about this. I didn’t feel right calling an abyssal spirit while sitting in such a nice part of a cemetery and worried about the issue this may cause for the spirits therein)
Despite my resistance I gave in and mentally started calling Abaddon.
(Es Na Ayer Abaddon Avage)

Within moments, in my mind’s eye I saw a black energetic circular portal open up on the ground in front of me and a vague black, blurry energetic figure rising up out of it.

“You called me?”
Yes
“What for?”
Man, I was told I needed to call you.
“Well what are we doing?”
I assumed that I’d just slide into whatever the plan is
“Why are you so obedient? You just do what you’re told then?”
(Annoyance) really dude? I didn’t even want to, and now I got you chapping my ass? Aren’t you guys my mentors for a reason?
"Hey, relax. You do see my point though don’t you? You need to be more on top of things and have your own plan of action going on (I believe something like this was communicated)

Oddly there’s part of the conversation I don’t seem to remember, probably for a reason.
He descended back into the portal with a finger held up in a “sssshh” gesture.

After this I kept meditating a bit.

My head was pulled to the left to look at a nearby headstone…

I don’t get it.

My head was repeatedly pulled.
Then it was pulled to the little concrete border around the plot.
"Path…"
I understood this as an allusion to my path. To keep on it or something like that…

I got up.

I was pulled to another nearby grave marker.

A child’s grave…
It read:
“Budded on earth, to bloom in heaven”
I don’t remember the dates but this child only lived at best a year or so.

Fuck

I did not care for this one bit.

There’s been this off and on “one year” thing I’ve been getting and I don’t really get it.

Mid Jan? I had stepped out my door to got to work and upon locking the door I had a male voice simply say:

"This will be your last year"

Rather flatly without any readable meaning beyond the statement itself.

WTF?..
Last year for what? (Vaguely I sensed it had to do with doing something)

It didn’t seem dire, but I didn’t like it and largely blew it off as my mind fucking with me…

Amidst all this, I believe before I called Abaddon…
I had an interaction with what seemed to be a female spirit.
She placed a hand over my heart and seemed to gesture to it saying “you need healing”…

This is significant because the last week of Jan plus a few weeks of Feb I seemed to be under some strange psychic attack shit or something that seemed to be about my heart. I kept repeatedly seeing clawed hands tearing or clawing at my heart and had to keep fighting them off mentally/astrally. In addition I had this apprehensive tightness in my heart area and at times it felt like my heart would skip beats.

I ended up doing a reversal spell (in case of a curse as there had been talk of witchwars in some circles and I wondered if maybe some crossfire had come my way), and has to take multiple cleansing baths with salt and raise my temple defenses. I also stopped abusing caffeine for some weeks in case there was some physical thing being hinted at by all this.
Eventually this gave way to only mild disturbance when I’d leave my home.

I had wanted to blow this all off as some bizarre delusion but I’m a “better safe than sorry” kind of guy and acted accordingly, just in case. Finally it all stopped after I’d called on Michael using one of the powers in Archangels of magic by Damon Brand. Still don’t know what to make of all that.

Returning to yesterday,

This spirit said “I can heal you” (again gesturing to my heart).

I was naturally a bit leery.
“We’re in a graveyard, I don’t know you and you want to “heal” me without me knowing if I can really trust you…”
Some conversation followed and then she gave me her apparent sigil which manifested in green yellow lines in my vision.
A rather simple sigil actually.

“Call me…don’t forget (the sigil)”
Okay, I guess?

Tbh, she seemed like a very nice sort of spirit lady but a guy’s gotta be cautious and I’d rather undertake that at home base or whatever.

As I started the walk back to my vehicle I was pulled to a headstone halfway there.

This headstone very clearly had a depiction of A Lighthouse

No. Fucking. Way. Dude…
Well, goddamn. (There was no possible way for me to know even unconsciously that this headstone was here or that it had a lighthouse on it…)

Impressed, and also awed I returned home.

The rest of Sunday was kind of lazy.

But, thinking on something from Saturday I decided to pull out my physical copy of the Shadownomicon (felt compelled really).

Previously it had been wrapped in cloth and tucked away in the closet since maybe November because some of the spirits around me seem to take issue with it. 🤷 Not to mention I haven’t started or properly dived into its current.

You see, Saturday afternoon I was told out of the blue while thinking about it:

“You will start in earnest soon” (something to that effect)
(Annoyance) sigh, what are we doing here then? I was told just a couple weeks ago that I’m not ready, and that I need more time. (My understanding was “not ready” had more to do with skill, and that this was largely *on me for laziness or procrastination)
“Relax. I didn’t mean Right this instant. Soon but not too soon”

Me: sigh, fine whatever …

Returning again to Sunday night, I had the book out and was urges to play Satania’s new video with the Legion mantra/enn

After getting past my trepidation about doing this, I said fuck it why not and played it. Nothing really happened but I did feel like I was being followed around in my apartment a few times.

At some point though, while reading through the book as the video played (I’ve decided it’s be a good idea to assemble the minimum tools and at least have an introductory experience with Legion if nothing else, mostly cuz I’m tired of a feeling of beating around the bush and I think it’ll help me figure out how ready I actually am), a female voice in my head sounding a bit perturbed said:

“Alright, that is quite enough of that. Stop this.”
The video, and the book?
“Yes!”
Does it bother you? You don’t like this stuff.
“No”
Well, I’m sorry but I run this place and I’ll be doing something with all this at some point eventually. I’m not keeping you here, and if it’s truly that much of an issue you’re free to leave somewhere where you’ll feel safer or whatever…
(Annoyed silence, and a sense of disagreement but acceptance)
The video stays on, the book stays out. K?
🤷

I don’t know, but perhaps because of this activity the night before or because of my internal issues I kept getting funny looks from co-workers this morning. In the case of one, it almost seemed like he felt threatened in my presence (energy around me?)

Another co-worker visibly flinched after looking directly at me and sheepishly looked away which was odd because at that moment I actually felt relaxed and nonchalant.

This same coworker kept giving me funny looks that seemed a mixture of suspicion and disapproval at a later point in the day.

I’ve had similar reactions when working with other spirits.

Two examples:

The day after I woke up in the middle of a storm after dreaming that asmodeus wanted my attention and calling him that night, I walked into the convenience store to get my usual morning purchase and visibly saw every person in the building unconsciously move away as if seemingly repelled whether they were looking at me or not. And subsequently at work getting a lot of nervous looks.

Sounds outlandish, I know. But its true.

The other example is at a time when I was invoking Belial a lot, I had walked downstairs and was feeling pretty good and lively but I guess was unconscious of a certain amount of partial possession or something…
Because whatever my coworker saw in me, he walked by nervously and sheepishly not wanting to look at me and some of the other folks gave me funny looks like “man…wtf…somethins not right about THAT”

Moving on…

Either the night of, or after the full moon (may have been before)…

I decided to make an offering to Lilith (one of my main spirits).
Upon getting set up I was told “Namaah”. Apparently this would be a joint affair.

I grabbed the sigils if Namaah and Lilith I’ve been using a couple months as well as two black candles and some incense.

I carved their names into the candles and in the case of Lilith I carved her sigil into hers as well.

I then charged these candles with energy (this took some time as my energy work has felt very dull after being sick and a small lack of practice)

Afterwards I anointed each with "Barbie Garret’s Slut water™"

I then pricked my finger and blooded Liliths candle but was told not to do this for Namaah.

I placed the candles directly above the sigils of the respective spirits (previously blooded and in use for some months though mostly tucked away) and lit them.

I then in turn played Liliths enn and raised sexual energy over the course of over an hour. (Incense was also burned)

Towards the end I was told “Call Agrat”.

I thought this was interesting because despite my small amount of interaction with Agrat, it does seem to bear out that there’s some kind of rivalry or distaste between Agrat and Lilith.

My understanding was I was calling Agrat more to have her be here and possibly to witness.

Shortly afterward while reciting alternating enns I finally released the sexual energy (and a rather generous release it was).

This rite was largely about asking for healing.

Something Lilith had communicated to me was like “you better heal/deal with it (internal issues) or it will destroy you.” This was actually rather disconcerting in a way. Surely my issues can’t be that bad? Oh my God…

Tired I laid back. I could feel the energies around me and my body seemed to move around a bit with small bouts of partial possessions for a few moments.

Later I was asked to give a proper dissmissal (I’d forgotten)

Agrat told me, “I’ll be around for awhile. I will be nearby.” And I don’t remember what else.

At a later time she had told me something to the effect of “I like you”. Lol

Previously during the Texas snowpocalypse I’d performed a rather similar right with Agrat, but she had wanted a pink candle.

She also wanted Blood but I was a little leery of this. While I don’t mind offering blood, I don’t like to do it Willy Billy especially with a spirit I’m not sure I want that strong a connection with yet.

I declined, and there was a bit of back and forth on this (I’ve previously denied blood to Lucifer, because of hangups really, and recently denied giving blood to Abaddon because I didn’t want to and didn’t think it necessary to which he was dissapointed but conceded to).

At any rate, she finally said:

(In regards to giving her blood)
“I will show you I am worthy of your trust”

(I was a bit surprised by this declaration)
Well, okay. I will hold you to that

“That is fine” (this was stated with a tone of “as you should”)

I did however, give her a sexual offering of energy and fluid.

Anyway, after this rite with Lilith and Namaah in the last week or so I’ve been experiencing a strange sort of sexual energy in me that tends to have a feminine feel to it among other things. This has been a bit strange to process. At times it almost feels like there’s somebody trying to influence me from within. I’ve wondered if this could be some awakening of the “inner incubus/succubus” or something along those lines…

This is on too of the wierd childlike confidence and playfulness I’ve been experiencing off and on.

This last week or so has been wierd and interesting to say the least.

This last weekend it started to feel like a veil was lifting. A sense of “man what strange fever dream have I been operating under?”

Last night I was gonna call on Abaddon, but was told “don’t worry about it, rest”.

Multiple times I’ve been told to keep my eating light in regards to calling Abaddon. Without asking, I seem to intuitively understand that this has something to do with Abaddons energy somehow.

I’ve thought about going on a fast because of this.

Today I went to the cemetery where I’d previously gotten my grave dirt from one grave (some of which I use in my altar for workings with the dead mainly just offerings when I do something for Hekate)
It’s an old overgrown seemingly abandoned cemetery with various tombstones from the 1800’s and and broken grave markers, some if which are sinking into the ground.

Walking into this graveyard, I got an image of lots of hands reaching out at me and touching and feeling my head and neck.

I walked around, and just kind of took everything in.

I then walked over to what I was pretty sure was the grave marker for where I’d previously gotten dirt. I happened to be looking at it more closely.

It’s hard to read but unless I’m mistaken, the both year and birth year were the same.
1880
One year

(I’ve also been getting lots of 8 synchronicities)

Motherfucker…

I’d have to go back and get a rubbing to really confirm. The stone is also broken in one spot and oddly doesn’t seem to line up properly. If I had thought about it, I’d have taken a picture…can always do so later. Too wierd.

As I stood before this grave, I mentally heard/felt a pleasant female say “thank you for visiting”

I felt a little awkward about this but made a gesture with my hand and a slight bow in response.

It felt like this female was some kind of caretaker spirit for this cemetery somehow or at least thats the impression I seemed to recieve…

I decided it was time to go, and left…

[crookedpathfinder]

Mar 9 '21 Tues ᛏ:

Don’t want to write out a long post.

Don’t want to let the process of skipping a day turn into missing weeks.

I will post about a rather interesting experience though.

Because reasons (that I won’t get into), I was messing around with visualizing shifting my astral or energetic form.

Really I was just doing whatever, but…

At first I was trying to make it as bright as I could, picturing very blinding light and that this light would push out and get rid of it burn off negativity from me.

(Small side note: for no particular reason other than my own quirkiness I imagined a sound effect while doing this kinda like what you might hear from an old TV show, or whatever. I’ve done this at other times usually when visualizing was a little difficult. Thus using a different sense for stimuli [hearing]. I’m wierd like that.)

While doing this I suddenly felt my lower Dan Tien activate which caught me by surprise but was also kind of exciting.

It felt like a sort of energetic sack inside my abdominal cavity.

After I did this for a bit, I focused on doing the opposite and making my astral energetic form very dark.

Once again I was surprised as upon doing this for a few moments I could feel my energy body turn into a wierd almost vacuum of darkness. There was a distinct sucking sensation going on while I experienced and observed this.

Afterward, I worked on returning it to “baseline” and observed that I now had a bright shimmery (almost like water) green energy around me like a bubble.

Which I guess is my aura? Which I guess is green? (I’m not fully convinced though.)

Tried looking up “green aura” but a lot of the stuff out there sounds a bit hokey or new agey for my liking. So I largely discount it.

[crookedpathfinder]

Mar 10 '21 ᚹWednesday ᚨ:

Today was a pretty hohum day.

When I woke up this morning, I could hear many children singing in my head, but couldn’t discern any words.

Last night, when I layed down to sleep I felt a lot of pressure on the crown of my skull.

I’ve experienced this before, but this may have been the most pressure I’ve felt.

Earlier today I went to Barnes and nobles to look at a few things.

I was lead over to some books, and repeatedly was made to look at history books. As if to emphasize the point, I was even made to look at a book titled “F#cking history!”

I don’t know what that’s about…

I received a new toy in the mail today.
A speaker light projector with multiple colors and lasers.

I chanted Darkest Knights newly channeled Michael mantra
Lesh Ta Pak Een Lafa tu son

To neutralise and repel negative or harmful energies

When using this mantra against psychic attack or baneful energies, chant it out loud. If using it against a toxic environment or person, chant it mentally if you cannot do so vocally.

I didn’t really sense much but seemed encouraged as I chanted it.

After twenty minutes more or less towards the end I started chanting it rather quickly, “leshtapakeenlafatuson” which kind of seemed to happen on its own. So that was interesting…

In the course of this, I was urges to lay Hekates enn and light some incense, to which I obliged.

Earlier today I was thinking about energy work, and unless I’m mistaken or misunderstood I was seemingly told not to do energy work right now…

There’s more I need to enter from the day previous but I’m tired.

Edit:
I have Abbadon’s sigil drawn out big on a sheet in my notebook with the universal circle around it, and on the four corners the sigil I channeled some time back that I believe is a personal one he gave me.

Was gonna activate it before bed but was told not to worry about it and that I don’t need it right now.

K

I’ll leave it open on the altar though…

[crookedpathfinder]

Mar 11 '21 Thurs ᚦ
4:49 AM:

NIGHTMARE

Oh, boy…

At first there was this whole thing with some priest getting on my case for not reciting daily prayers and he was all up in my business about some stuff he saw or noticed that didn’t sit right with him.

I took annoyance with this but chose to play along sort of, while still trying to get him to take the hint.

At some point he took something that he considered to be kind of “bad” and said I could have it back when I’d been saying my prayers daily. (Pffftt, what am I a little kid?)

He ended up walking away, and I went to work hiding anything that might cause more issues.

I debated telling him, “yeah, I really don’t do the prayer thing. But if you like, I’m willing to meditate”. I imagined this probably would still come to some objection, though it would be conceded to.

Suddenly it’s very dark.

I’m outside at a public pool.

3 girls are walking by talking about whatever.

Suddenly, I get a very dark vibe and feeling that I don’t care for and start climbing the ladder to the top of the diving board while doing my best to recite the Michael mantra is just learned:
Lesh Ta Pak Een Lafa tu son

Though I think I ended up saying something slightly different.

Then there was this whole thing with being at work and having an issue with not having enough stamps for a hundred some odd things that were a batch of whatever we needed to send (none of which makes any sense but that’s dreams for ya)

Then for whatever reason, my co-workers were cleaning “my room” and I was annoyed.

I was trying to hide a bunch of things I didn’t want them seeing (I sense a pattern here as I type this).

Eventually I come back and they’ve rearranged everything and though they make no mention of it, it looks like they found something I didn’t want them to and damaged or destroyed it.

Shit

I start trying to hide some of the other things better without drawing attention to myself.

Somehow I feel myself fall into a heavy daze, and subsequently fall asleep.

I wake up and realize I was left behind and everything’s locked up and turned off.

(Somehow I end up being in a house)

I try to open the door to what was supposed to be “my room” while in the dark to retrieve my things and leave.

There’s somebody on the other side of the door trying to keep it closed.

Nobody’s here, and I know it’s some kinda spook.

I leave to look for the breakers as the power seems to be shut off, the whole time telling whatever’s around that I’m just trying to grab my shit and go and could they please just let me do that.

Breaker box.

I flip the power, YES.

I return to the door.

I open it and go inside.
It’s kind of cold? And there’s mist.
Strangely there was children’s toys and blocks (letter blocks) in a corner of the room.

With my right hand and middle and index fingers I draw the rune ALGIZ ᛉ while vibrating its name over myself (much like the Catholic practice of the “sign of the cross” but with ᛉ).

I then make apology for intruding and state that I’m just looking for my things.

At the end of the room there’s a heavy mist and a figure I can’t make out within it.

It seems to send wispy misty stuff at me here and there. (This whole bit felt a lot like the game Fatal frame in look and feel)

Once again I draw the rune ALGIZ and vibrate it’s name over this figure to ward it there and over myself to for protection.

I figure out my stuff’s not there, once again express my apology and then say thanks for letting me in the room before giving a slight bow and exiting.

I’m in the hallway.

Suddenly there’s something at the end and I’ve got the Heeby jeebies.

I had the light on but something makes it flucker twice before turning it off.

Fuck

I see what seems to be a pale ghostly thick glowing mist in shades of color I don’t actually remember at the end of the hall.

This fog seems to slowly pulse different colors and at one point I make out a dark figure inside the mist. I feel something advancing toward me.

Again I draw ᛉ over myself and start trying to recite the Michael mantra, but I can’t properly remember the second part. I say fuck it, it’s what I got and go ahead with:

“Lesh Ta Pak Een kala Pahl”

As I’m reciting this, I start to hear myself physically saying it in my sleep as a slurred whispering trying to work through my sleeping body’s resistance to move.

What was odd was, as I recited this I could hear an echo of the words behind them that seemed to be in a deep distorted [demonic sounding] voice/s that I somehow understood to be coming from my self some way.

As if I was tapping into some latent demonic power within myself.

I didn’t question it much but rolled with it.

So I did this while trying to keep whatever this was back within the hallway. (Eventually I could hear myself reciting this audibly fairly easily in my sleep as the paralysis seemed to lose hold)

At some point I saw a shadow within all this fog and mist.

It stood there, a black silhouette and nothing more.

Suddenly it started to multiply as other silhouettes stepped out of it and started to multiply into about two rows of 8 or more shadows.

(At this point I couldn’t help but think with some amusement, motherfucker that’s legion ain’t it?)

At this point it was almost like I was an observer as the rest of the dream played out.

Part of me was cognizant that I knew what was probably going on, but the rest of me was engaged in the dream and trying to fight this off or wake up.

Suddenly all these shadows seemed to pull out some kind of bazookas and launch rounds at me.

The view then switched over to me in some kind of ww1 fighter plane (think red Baron era) and I was above some kind of hangar and there were troops or whatever on the ground as we were all on the recieving end of over a dozen bazooka blasts.

(This is amusing because History books are being pointed out to me when I was at the book store just the day previous…)

That’s about when I woke up.

I shook off all the nerves, and jitters rather quickly.
No creepy feeling or anything, just my bedroom.

Can’t help but laugh.

Haha, they got me

I ain’t even mad…