> Entry #7: Memories and Mistakes Made, Here Comes Mercury Retrograde
Spirit relationships. For many years now, it has been a very well-known topic within the community. From inspiring professional relationships that completely turned the practitioner’s life around, to the utterly romantic connections that make even forum lurkers swoon in hidden “OMG! #relationshipgoals !”, a closer and deeper bond with the spirits who truly resonate with us is very much encouraged, shared and valued.
I have to admit this is the most difficult entry to write so far. So much has been written about successful relationships, but how about the ones that were almost successful but still failed in the end? How about the ones that were almost there but still never completely got off the ground? How about the ones you almost had but still lost?
Much as I dislike agreeing with one of those “quotes” circulating around mainstream social media platforms, it is true: “Almost” must probably be the saddest word in the English language. I thought it was cancelledfreefood.
I initiated contact first when I felt a pull to reading and studying him more. There was not much written, aside from evocation accounts that made me feel completely out of my league. He was not known to stay for the hellos and get-to-know-yous, much less TALK to humans aside from the task at hand. In fact, I even recall descriptions of him being a merciless killer and as truly demonic as one can get.
If summoned properly, he takes his work seriously. Too seriously even, as some may say. It figures that his more personal relationships would be very few but strongly, permanently committed. At the time, I thought I desired the same vision too. I thought I knew myself well already, that I was ready for what a true commitment entailed.
2-3 years ago, Belial, then a mere acquaintance who likes coming and going just to either talk or joke around, told me via automatic writing, “ -spirit’s name here- ? The fellow has fallen quite hard, hasn’t he? I cannot blame him. You have a way of paying extra attention to spirits you like that make them feel very good about themselves. They feel very much seen/known/understood (?). I would advise, however, against acting immediately on his attraction to you if you do not feel like it [feel the same].” He ended the whole channeling with an amused, “Heh”, which made me shake my head and dismiss the entire message as, “Belial and his infamous hobby of always getting into other people’s relationships again. Sighs.” I ran off with what I heard, ego stroked to the fullest, and ignored the advice bit.
Perhaps you’re thinking, “I know where you’re going with this now, kid. This is the part where you convince us demons are fluffy and warm because you’re one of their lovers! Next thing you’ll be posting all the time is about how ‘chosen’ or ‘special’ you are because you were romanced by them.”
Well, yes and no. Yes, there really was something “special” but it’s more of the relationship shared and the fascinating facets of said spirit that have yet to be discovered and understood by many. And yes, I will be posting here all the time from now on lol. But no, despite such, I’m not even going to deny his bloodthirsty nature. That’s how he actually is, and can be terrifying when he’s in the room with you. I believe in caring and loving without biases and dishonesty as much as possible so if you’re thinking if this spirit is one of those up for a lighthearted rendezvous, don’t even think about it.
I won’t elaborate because I feel as if the intimacy and depth I have shared with another loses its meaning when I air it all out for everyone to see. Furthermore, the spirit in question also values privacy. I can tell you though that we only remained connected for a few months before I abandoned him like the coward I was. The part of us which always makes justifications and excuses for everything we do used to say, “Surely there’s a reason you went ghost on him, Pat. Did it turn out toxic like a few other spirit-human experiences we’ve read about before? If not, well then, just think: it could have in the long run!”
But that’s the thing, you see. It did not. At all. It was as peaceful and idyllic as a spirit-human relationship can become. It’s the type that could have made those forum lurkers go, “#relationshipgoals!” because of how stable it all felt. It’s the type that I, if I were a clout-chasing chick, could have milked for Likes and Views on end here because of how loved and valued I was by this spirit.
And how I, in turn, cannot reciprocate.
The first formative years of a child is very crucial to his/her development in later life. One does not need to study Early Childhood Education to know that a child’s mind can be likened to that of a sponge soaking in water. We must be very careful of what and how the water = information is absorbed by the child, as he/she forms impressions from it all and begins to construct his/her individuality from there, first unconsciously then consciously.
Maria Montessori’s Absorbent Mind theory, and the stages of development she has coined under such, finds similarities to a beginner trying to navigate his way in the magickal path. Unfortunately, my first few steps in the path have begun in the wrong direction, soaked in concepts of a toxic human-spirit relationship and dysfunctional highs and lows of a disillusioned connection (an entry for another time). Sprinkle in some real-life roller-coaster relationships and dramatic dalliances for finishing touches and voila! I’m all good and ready for a field day with a psychologist.
Long story short: I have been raised to associate love with how ungrounded and unstable it could be. The more unpredictable it was, the moodier it could get me, the stronger and truer the love is. But is it enough of an excuse to just leave someone who loved you in all his quietness and stillness? He and I both know it was not. It will never be.
But it’s now serving as an excuse to work on my current relationships though, as well as unlearn and heal my own self-sabotaging patterns.
I wish I could tell you I was punished or suffered consequences from abruptly backing out of our connection, but the opposite seemed to have happened: water leakages from certain places there used to be some just disappeared. It did not rain longer than usual in our area. I suddenly lost interest in classical music and was not invested in listening or watching such anymore. There were no more strong chills or sensations in listening to his enn or meditating on his sigil.
Amidst my delayed realizations and apologies, he was still very understanding and forgiving. Divination relayed the same sentiments of forgiveness and release. Belial even told me the other night, “He will always love you. He understood that that was necessary for your growth. He remains your steadfast friend and protector should you ever decide to call on him again this time.”
Don’t get me wrong: this is not that cliché, “Oh, I finally decided I love him like that and want him back!” I really do not see him in that light and have accepted that we will never be as close as before, but what I truly regret is not treating and valuing a friend the way he deserved to be treated and valued. I regret not putting in equal effort, becoming vulnerable and trusting the way he did with me. Most of all, I just regret not being a good person to a spirit who, despite his feared reputation, has been nothing but good to me.
Wherever Duke Focalor is now at the time of my writing this, I truly wish him well.
Five-Nine Sixty-Eight 
I could bury myself underneath piles and piles of it and come out when it’s the 1st of January 2020 already.
Welcome to Circus Clusterfuck! 
