Preschool Teacher by Day, Practitioner of Magick by Night: A Journal

Beginning a journal here was always something I’ve had in mind ever since my first post here. However, I felt as if I had nothing insightful to write about as what am I, really? I used to think I was a random stray in this magickal path. There were a variety of paradoxes (hence the username wink wink) present both within me and externally: for starters, just read the title of this journal again. How I could ever reconcile and live such two vastly different lives was beyond me at the time. I’m aware that practicing magick may affect your personality as a whole, which may or may not be beneficial to my line of work.

This is just an introduction to my journal so I won’t elaborate as much, but I only gained the courage to keep a journal here after very successful workings with certain Goetic spirits and mostly under the direction of King Belial. To truly show my gratitude to all of them who has helped me and are continuing to do so, I told myself, “Forget the cowardice. Take the risk. Be brave now, for all they’ve done for you” and here you have it: an online journal of my workings starting today.

There is nothing unique about this journal though, or at least I will try to make it such because what I want it to be is raw, simple and most of all, truthful. There are entries wherein I’ve had success. There are entries wherein nothing works at all because of my own fuck-ups. There are entries where, contrary to what I usually post about, certain entities just do not like me or answer back. I am no queen, goddess or have any highly-skilled status to speak of. Hell, there are even days or weeks I cannot do magick at all because of my daily life.

For the first time in a long time though, thanks to healing work with the spirits around me, I have finally accepted that while I am very much a mundane who is currently working her ass off towards the path of teaching adorable youngsters, I know now that I can still bond with spirits and have good long-standing connections with them. A delicate balance, but a balance I love learning to maintain.

To the ones who still wander and wonder, feeling like they don’t know whatever it is they are doing on this path at times… I can only hope that with this journal, I can make you feel less alone and more enlightened, even for just a moment or two. :slightly_smiling_face:

See you on my first journal entry!
Pat :heavy_heart_exclamation:

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> Entry #1: The Not-So Hiatus Hiatus

Taking a break from BALG ever since July 2019 was something I deemed necessary so I can focus on my review for the licensure examinations in our country. The review sessions lasted until September, which is the month when all aspiring teachers finally took the examinations. What I deemed unnecessary, however, is having an entity’s name echo in my head even when I am studyin—okay, that’s a lie. This entity and I both knew that I did not study to the best of my abilities but we’ll touch on that another time. told myself to not engage with anything magickal at all during review. When I really want to work on something, blame my Virgo-dominant ass on hyper-focusing and accepting nothing but close to perfection. This entity’s name was like a pop-up ad I just can’t find the [x] button for, complete with alluring taglines of, “Feeling too lazy to study? This entity will boost your motivation like no other!” “This entity will guarantee you your teaching license! Contact his sigil to find out more!” If there was a way to block such pop-ups, pretty sure I did not do a good job of it at all because this entity has been pursuing me ever since 2014. I guess as an asthmatic too, I can only run so far until I’m eventually caught up with.

Come September, I made initial contact with the entity. And by the announcement of results last December, I did not pass it. He did.

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> Entry #2: Kingsman—plan

It is inevitable in the daily course of things to just stare off into space as you watch little kids color the activity sheets you provided them as a distraction from all the usual racket they tend to make. You know, stare off into space and think about the last encounter you’ve had with a demonic king. I could swear I felt him amusingly observing me in class a few times, though thankfully no usual smartass remarks were made.

As far as I know, the apocalypse happened on the 29th of September last year. King Belial disagreed and called me dramatic (which I am not even offended because I know I am), but I reasoned he wasn’t the one half ugly-sobbing, half-trembling like a leaf the night before the licensure examination. “Easy for you to say,” I told him. “I am the one who’s going to find out whether or not I will make it or break it as a professional teacher.” Thing is, I think one doesn’t make a very convincing picture in front of a king when you both have tears and snot on your face. A full-on anxiety attack swept me away and no sleep was to be had until King Belial stepped in to comfort me at around 3-4 AM. Actual footage of that can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laJqE03EyIY

Kidding aside, he was truly comforting and allowed me to sleep. The next morning, I still had anxiety as I walked to the assigned examination room, but it noticeably lessened. I felt him with me as I took the exam. There are even times when he held and squeezed my hand for reassurance. During break time, I kept on praying to him, asking for only his guidance as I answer the test. I don’t want him to whisper the answer or something like that: I wanted to test myself and how in tune I am with my intuition and psychic senses. I also wanted to see if my magickal attempts are truly working or I need sooo much more work in manifesting my goals and asking for a spirit’s help. Looking back, maybe it wasn’t the best time to test oneself when you’re currently taking an actual test?

One thing was made very clear when I finished later in the afternoon: months of hiatus from BALG were wasted as most of the questionnaires in the examination were not included in our review. It appears that the questionnaires this time were completely changed due to exam leakages from previous examinations. Even test-takers who came from well-known review centers can be seen panicking and ranting to their friends come dismissal time. I could hear snippets here and there. I think I even saw some tearing up when they met their family after the exams because it was that difficult. All I remember is sitting by my lonesome in the waiting area, spending an hour thinking and trying to make back-up plans already about how I can teach without a license, before my family arrived to pick me up.

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don’t go around sacrificing those preschool kids now :joy::joy:

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Hahaha. The thought crossed my mind once or twice now lol jk. I wouldn’t for the world. Overly restless and playful as they are, I love those kiddos. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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> 2.1

When people ask, “How are you doing/feeling?”, I often think they do not really care about anything else besides hearing the expected and customary, “Fine, good, okay, alright.” I could go on and on usually because you use positive adjectives and encouraging affirmations when teaching children every day, especially when they participate during class in any way. But that day, I think I was robbed off of my entire vocabulary. Both normal Pat and Teacher Pat vocabulary.

How did I do? I did not know most of the questions and answered them either by context clues or sheer intuitive guesses so… how did I do? I knew I only had myself to blame because I did not study to the best of my abilities. I did not go beyond the given review materials, explored other topics more. But then again, even our top students during review had no idea what the fuck is a horseshoe classroom set-up and how it differs from seemingly similar shaped set-ups so… :upside_down_face:

I have run out of excuses to put off fully working with Belial though. With intentions firmly set, I meditated on his old sigil which I have drawn years ago. Every night, I would listen to his enn over and over again, soak in his energy and visualize with as much details as I can what I want my exam results to look like. Other times, when daily life got in the way, I would listen to his enn just to feel his energy and fall asleep to it. His enn always feels very warm and welcoming to me.

I began talking to him aloud too. Though I cannot remember much of my earlier conversations, in a way that’s alright because most of them were boring stuff anyway. Sometimes, I confess random regrets for how the exam turned out, how I allowed this and that to play out, etc. Sometimes, I tell him funny stories and experiences of my own. While I could tell he finds human nature ridiculous, King Belial seemed to like being talked to daily, especially when you are eloquent and witty. He likes both amusing anecdotes and intellectually stimulating discussions. It makes me ponder why and how much an affinity he really has with Mercury-dominants or just Mercurial energies in general.

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Entry #3: Belial, Bubble Tea & The Bubbling Mess

The school I was working in at that time was more far away than the goal I had in mind when I finally chose to accept Belial’s offer. October was immediately barging in through my door, leaving no time to wallow in the epic failure of previous month’s examination. Days were filled with classes, school celebrations and tutorial sessions left and right. Since the public transportation here in my country is the true definition of hell, I’d leave it up to your imagination how many hours I was usually stuck in traffic and how cranky I feel upon getting home.

Here in my country as well, that popular drink with a variety of tasty flavors (which I included in this entry’s title) is referred to as “milktea”. But since the remaining creativity in my bones is only reflected through the silly titles I come up with, bubble tea it is then. This bubble tea became my precious, precious lifeline like workaholics would with coffee or energy drinks. I will neither deny nor confirm though, whether I was that mess sitting in a corner and gulping down the same old chocolate bubble tea with no black pearls and only 50% sugar every evening… to the point that the staff doesn’t have to ask her anymore.

Last days of October had me feeling like I was one of the living dead. I was just dragging my sleep-deprived body to and from school with strained effort. I remember being very irritated with everything because the usual traffic worsened. Out of all the moments Belial finally led me to the much-awaited light bulb, it was the moment wherein I was just so pissed due to all the sweat, heat and workload. I was stomping my feet as I left the bubble tea shop, hands clenched on my usual order which, for the first time, I ordered for take-out and remained untouched.

Is manifestation out of tears and emotions a thing? Is putting your favorite drink on a spirit’s sigil as offering a thing? When you don’t even have a proper altar or the least bit of tools set up for such because you’re still required to live with your family (not that I’m complaining, I enjoy their company). I honestly don’t consider it a surefire method, but I think what made me achieve results are the ff:

  • (a) using all the pent-up desires and intense emotions about it all while writing and stating to Belial how badly I needed to pass the exams

  • (b) very, very specific writing of petition letter: as in, what score do I need in which specific section of the exam, how many errors are allowed in each section, how the over-all exam rating should be more than a certain percentage, when I should see results, etc. (the frustrated detail-oriented Virgo writer within me took advantage of this X)

  • ( c ) no commanding, pressuring or demanding, only politely explaining why I need him to do this task

  • (d) immersion/ preparation beforehand, even just simply listening to his enn or talking to his sigil every night prior to the request for workings

  • (e) most of all, sacrificing what you really wanted for yourself—in my case, the precious bubble tea that erases my daily stress

Lady Eva’s Belial post, anyone? Because at the time of me offering that drink, I was really craving it like a thirsty traveler stuck in a desert. I had to repeatedly resist the urge to drink it up by myself and just buy him another one, other flavors even. I strongly felt that no: it would not feel the same. It would not be the same at all.

I was a bubbling mess before the ritual. I kept getting interrupted by my family whenever I was about to start. In fact, it happened so many times that when I try to analyze it now, I think it was another test from Belial. The repetitive interruptions made me cry in frustration because what if, right? What if it is all being interrupted because I was not supposed to do it? Or it’s a sign from him personally that he doesn’t agree to work with me on this? I honestly was about to give up.

There was nothing odd about the moments that followed. There was no synchronicity of sight or sound, just me with my tears in the silence. I gave myself a few minutes before raising my chin up, still in tears but gathering my resolve and firmly announcing that I will continue on with the ritual. I think I even told him, “And I’ll be using these goddamn tears if needed to achieve my desired exam results.”

Ah, the things one should do to earn Belial’s respect and approval.

P.S. (f) I almost forgot from the list: persistence, bravery and believing in your own goal, most especially during tests from the spirit

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> 3.1

Back in my college days, I have fallen for someone who loves history. When he played me for a lovesick fool and disappeared faster than I could say Casper, I reminded myself that it was the trash taking itself out and we were not compatible at all in any way. My brain cells fizzling out whenever I attempt to recall dates of events was the perfect example of this incompatibility.

I am in no position to make demands. State what I want and be candid about it, surely, but with the lack of review, I knew there was still a chance Belial wouldn’t accept and decide to teach me a lesson about giving your all if you really want something. The announcement of licensure examination results was on the 29th of November, so I made sure to give him enough time to work. I cannot remember when exactly I did the ritual with the petition letter and offering, but I think it was around October 27-ish? A month. I entrusted the situation to him for one month. After meditating on my bubble tea offering as well as the sigil I’ve drawn with the petition letter on the back, I wrapped the petition letter around the bubble tea, kept it in a jar and stored it in a place where I knew I could forget about it for a while. I’m aware of my own over-thinking and impatient tendencies so as not to lust for results, I hid it away from myself and let Belial take over. My goldfish memory served me well this time, as I was carried away by daily life and did, later on, forget about everything.

November was knocking on my door now. Since it was semestral break here in schools during November, my Mom, who is also a preschool teacher in another country, invited me to stay with her for a while.

Now it wasn’t really the ultimate semestral break per se, because I would still be helping out in HER school, only this time as an assistant preschool teacher. But that was the country I was aiming to permanently live and work in in the future, so I accepted and helped out there. It’s unfortunate but I have to be honest: I enjoyed working there more than in my own country. And no, it’s not just the public transportation bit (though their speedy and efficient trains do play a part, heh).

There was a time amidst the walk to my Mom’s place, I was wishing things would stay this peaceful and convenient. I found fulfillment in teaching the new children even though I was still getting accustomed to their school’s daily routines. But all good things must come to a good old cliché, right? Or whatever it is they say about the good things. -I wouldn’t know, I was born a pessimist with an optimistic front-

“I’m checking the licensure examination’s site ever since last week,” Mom told me during dinner. “And look! They say that they are currently updating the results already. Stand by for the announcement of passers and topnotchers.

She gestured to my phone. “You should start checking every now and then too.”

I’d rather not, I wanted to say. I’d really, really rather not.

“So…”, Mom looked straight at me, a look I knew all too well. “How do you think you did in the exams? Do you think you will pass? Because I don’t believe for a second that you don’t know. I think you’re very self-aware and can perfectly gauge that.”

November 29 found me in bed, having another anxiety attack, though worse than the previous one. I found November 29, if you remove all my usual theatrics, an utter blank.

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> 3.2

No one:

Absolutely no one from BALG:

Not even Belial himself:

Me sharing crappy pictures of my ritual afterwards:

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Totally agree Sister.

Borrow some of my middle school kids instead.

:stuck_out_tongue:
Diogenes

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Now this one I’m definitely considering. Middle school kids can be very trying and headache-inducing. Worse is they’re not that adorable anymore so… super saintly patience’s a must lol. :joy:

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> Entry #4: :notes: Five-Nine Sixty-Eight :notes: Tell Me What To Say :notes:

Did you sing this entry’s title? You know, that 80’s Europe & Karisma song? You didn’t? Killjoys, the lot of you. But let me include a link just in case you change your mind and sing along: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zswexoKuyqw

“The Fifty-ninth Spirit is Oriax, or Orias. He is a Great Marquis, and appeareth in the Form of a Lion, riding upon a Horse Mighty and Strong, with a Serpent’s Tail; and he holdeth in his Right Hand two Great Serpents hissing. His Office is to teach the Virtues of the Stars, and to know the Mansions of the Planets, and how to understand their Virtues. He also transformeth Men, and he giveth Dignities, Prelacies, and Confirmation thereof; also Favour with Friends and with Foes. He doth govern 30 Legions of Spirits.”

In my line of work, the statement, “First impressions last forever” is something I yawn at from hearing too many times. Whether it is my first day at a new school, my first time to teach a class of children or my first interaction with the children’s parents, I always ensure to look my best and act accordingly. I may tire of that statement but that does not mean I disregard it. My personal feelings or opinions do not matter here: work is work.

So when Belial, after calming down my intensified anxiety attack due to not seeing any updates on the licensure exam’s site (even though it was November 29 already!), turned away from me to address someone else in my bedroom, imagine my mortification when I followed his line of sight— usual remnant of tears and snot on my face, check— and he introduced me to Orias.

Well, it wasn’t really an introduction if the other party is already about to leave upon first meeting. Orias only dropped by to confirm something for Belial and Belial, looking satisfied with the news, nodded in approval. I didn’t see any of them saying anything, but I instantly heard in my mind the name, “Orias”. I had the faintest idea of who he was: a Goetic spirit, yes, but what number? Rank? How about the abilities he is known for? Personality? While racking my already stressed brain for more details, I managed to tell him, “Hello, Orias! Thank you very much for taking the time to be here. I really appreciate you helping me in any way you can.” Although even after he left with an affirmative nod (and a ghost of a close-lipped smile?), my brain came up empty and I honestly have no idea why he was even there in the first place.

Google has always been a reliable friend for quick simple searches, but not that reliable this time, it seemed. Physical fitness? Stars and planets? Love magick even? Completely confused about everything, I focused the sting of Google’s betrayal on repeatedly checking and tapping the licensure examination’s site, which simply showed, “Results are being updated. Stand by…” no matter how many hours have already passed.

“You’ve read about Orias before,” Belial spoke in my mind, amused with my reactions. “Try to remember it. I assure you: you will know exactly how and what he helped you with.”

When the next day came, I awoke not to examination results but to an announcement instead from the ones in charge of them.

To confirm OP’s post here ( Stressed student? Having exam trouble? Look here ), yes: Orias CAN manipulate computers as well.

The results for the whole country’s September licensure examination for teachers was officially released on December 1, 2019: a delay in the computers and machines used that has not happened for years now.

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Entry #5: Merry Kiss-My-Ass, Non-Believers!

Snow would be useful.

:heavy_check_mark: I could bury myself underneath piles and piles of it and come out when it’s the 1st of January 2020 already.

:heavy_check_mark: I could disappear into it and numb myself with the cold to not feel or process the nearing inevitable. And maybe if I’m feeling a tad bit generous, I’d also include all my poor fellow test-takers who have been bombarding the licensure examination’s official website and Facebook page with relentless, “Where are the results? We have been dying of stress and lack of sleep!” and “The results are taking too long! Why did you guys post that you were updating when in reality there are zero updates at all?!” comments for almost three days straight now.

Unfortunately, you only have either rain or sunshine to choose from here. A no-brainer then, I tell myself as I wake up to still no examination results: rain it is!

“Whew, it’s hotter than usual,” Mom said as we made our way to her school. “Oh, well. Just another Sunday afternoon spent at work again.”

I would have agreed if I didn’t have pressing matters to attend to upon arriving at school, like completely wiping sweat off of me. Once done, I lost myself in the routines of weekend work. This time it’s putting up Christmas decorations all over the school for the upcoming Christmas celebration.

Now that I think about it, I should call the workplace a center more than a school. It’s not that huge, it’s located in one of the floors of a posh building and it caters solely to preschool children. So it wasn’t really that difficult to decorate the corners of the center: the difficulty lies more in how the decorations should look colorful and vibrant enough for a child-friendly environment.

That, and mostly keeping decorations out of easy reach from playful little hands.

An hour must have passed before I felt the need to sit down and take a break. My mind immediately went back to the pending examination results. Without a second thought, I turned on my phone, put on my earphones and played Belial’s enn.

Have you ever felt as if you could still remedy something so you instinctively did what you had in mind, despite the sinking knowledge that it’s already too late? Pretty sure whether you read every entry I’ve written with a shake of your head + smile or with a shake of your head + where-the-fuck-is-this-newbie-journal-kid going-with-this frown, you have felt such in certain moments. This one was no different.

Belial’s presence was nowhere to be found, a void sorely felt that I had to give up the meditation halfway. I remained seated, trying to come in terms with defeat but not completely being consumed by it. A harder task than one might imagine, especially when someone in the background is briefly inquiring if you are doing alright.

No, I wanted to shout. I am not doing alright. I am not doing alright at all. I just had to have a spirit manipulate all the computers for checking and recording and delay an entire country’s exam results just so I would have a shot at passing it and getting my license. I cannot even begin to imagine how much of a fuck-up my original examination results were when such a wide-scale action was done by Orias.

Have I been overwhelmed? Maybe. Have I been doubting myself? Certainly. The fact that I’m aware of self-doubt hindering the effectiveness of magickal workings made me feel more conflicted, skepticism about everything warring with the frail hope and bravery that made me want to work on this in the first place. Analysis paralysis is quite common for me, but this moment would probably go down in my list as one of the most memorable.

My phone rang all of a sudden, a Messenger call from a good friend who usually chats me there than actually call. Surprised, I immediately answered with a, “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

My right ear was met with even more surprising screams and repeated chanting of my name that I feared she also knew about enns.

“Pat, Pat, Pat!” She exclaimed after the th time. “The licensure examination for professional teachers’ results are out! YOU PASSED!

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> 5.1

Black clothes. All-black clothes. That’s the only thing I like about funerals. When Mom began choking me with tight hugs, along with a full-blown sobbing session as if we were attending one, it was unfortunate that I wasn’t wearing black. It was green though, so it still matches Christm—

“I don’t know what you’re so emotional about,” Dad told her via video chat. “I know our beloved lazy-ass daughter would pass anyway. I’m not even surprised. But still, congratulations, * insert my nickname here !”* He said all of this with a fond and knowing smile. And honestly, his reaction was my favorite out of everyone once the news spread. Thank God for a fellow NT in the family (MBTI, anyone?). We even joked about how my Mom reacting as if she was the one who took the examinations instead.

But who am I to ridicule, really ? Her genuine emotions, no matter how she expressed it way too openly as I stood there still in a daze, were also the very same tools I utilized to the fullest for this working. And it paid off and more (whoops, spoiler alert) despite all the self-doubting and skepticism along the way.

Congratulatory messages and calls poured in. When things have settled down a bit, Mom and I left the center earlier than usual and she took me out to eat in my favorite restaurant. Taylor Swift’s “Lover” softly played in the background, a promise Belial often likes repeating in my early days of interacting with him.

And on the way home, I found myself singing it too.

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> 5.2

  • What is this “Licensure Examination for Professional Teachers” you keep on talking about?
  • Where is this result of yours?

  • So is that it, then? The story ends there because you got your goal, right? You passed already.

    Actually, cliché as it is, I was about to find out that this result was only a small one. It was simply the beginning of just how much the king has truly done for me.

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> Entry # 6: 2 More Birds, Still 1 Stone

One does not need to meet me in real life to notice how difficult or just plain annoying I could be to deal with. As I have stated in a previous reply to a thread about occult stereotypes (Occult/Witchcraft Stereotypes) , from some occultists’ viewpoint I am no legitimate practitioner because I’m always all-smiles and bright, bubbly conversations for anyone who’s up for such. From the normies’ and hardcore religious’ perspective, I am a spawn of hell and more just because I swayed some of their Christian followers to ask me for tarot readings.

Right in front of them too. Good times, man! Good times.

So it’s not really a surprise that I have been bullied for years when I was still in school. After all, haven’t most of us been misfits and outcasts too, hence us striving to make marks and paths of our own? I will just be sharing summaries of two more incidents so we can finally proceed straight to the magickal aspects of this entry:

  1. The hardcore religious group in class made college a living hell for 4 years. Nasty rumors, stealing potential admirers, attempts to start both OL and IRL fights, turning certain friends and teachers against us lol… you name it, they pretty much have done it. Though I learned to be indifferent now, step back and heal inflicted wounds instead (still healing!), I can never forget the words said and actions done to belittle and underestimate me.

  2. The system of my alma mater was too flawed, down to the last department. It didn’t use to be like that, but with a complete change of staff, teachers and higher-ups: :sparkles: Welcome to Circus Clusterfuck! :sparkles: When I was still asking for the necessary documents and my student record so I could apply for the licensure examinations, they kept slacking off, dodging persistent calls and avoiding attempts of confrontation. Appeals were tossed aside like trash because I am not much of a popular figure in school. I almost did not make it to the deadline of filing an application for the licensure examinations. I was even on the verge of thinking that maybe, it wasn’t my time yet to take the examinations because there were so many hindrances popping up.

Pop quiz: summary #1 + summary #2 is equivalent to what? That’s right: the people involved in both summaries believed I would not pass the examinations.

Belial was always the poor witness to ramblings and crying sessions even before I began an official relationship with him. All the times I poured my heart out to him, he was an ever-patient and silent listener. I know what you’re thinking: Belial? gasps “Patient”? double gasps “SILENT”??? Believe me when I say I was thinking the same at the time too. I was expecting him to finally whack me in the head due to my theatrics, but he seemed to like it when I would take all the shitty things happenings in both an “I’m-crying-but-that-doesn’t-mean-I-can’t-laugh-and-make-jokes-while-I’m-at-it” stride. Oh, well. That’s the usual Mercurial insanity for you. Aside from intensely paying attention during these moments, Belial didn’t really say or do anything big.

Or so I thought.

Congratulatory messages and calls poured in. In the following days, Twitter mentions and tagged Facebook posts flooded my accounts as well. Among these posts, I discovered that I was tagged on a congratulatory post not only by my very own alma mater that treated me like trash, but also another congratulatory post by one of the teachers who once degraded me in public during my on-the-job training days!

What’s more, the list of licensure examination passers in said congratulatory posts were surprisingly ranked and my name was at the top :

Everyone was confused at first until my family urged me to check the licensure examination’s official site and verify if my over-all examination rating was up. Turns out, it already was:

The school has indeed received this information and announced that not only was I the top test-taker in our whole school, but I was also very close to being one of the Top 10 licensure examination passers in the whole country, with the 10th topnotcher garnering an 89% as seen here: https://www.prcboard.com/2019/09/topnotchers-september-2019-let-result-elementary.html

Congratulatory messages and called poured in. This time, with apologies mixed in from the very people who have bullied me for the last four years.

And for all my easygoing and lighthearted reaction to the news that I passed, this time I finally cried from pure disbelief, endless gratitude and deep love.

Alternative title for this entry: > You Sly Belial You

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Since Entry #7 and the other following entries would be about different magickal workings already, here’s the first-ever poem I made for King Belial. A thought occurred to me that this is how I should end the topic about him helping me in last year’s nerve-wracking examinations.

2.1. 2020

If you have ever laughed so much you can feel the insides of your stomach hurting,
If you have ever cried so much you cannot hear yourself over all the trembling and gasping,
If you have ever been unreasonably angry, a pacing blur of nothing but frustration and agitation,
If you have ever been downright fearful, a helpless wreck of terrified nerves and pent-up tension,
Then, that is You.

If you have ever spent the day idle, leaning back and making simple shapes out of clouds as they pass by,
If you have ever dreamt the night away, talking to the moon with the most solemn gaze but never once a reply,
If you have ever dined during the afternoons because long-distance family and friends insisted you altogether do so,
If you have ever broken fast during midnights because of the idiot box’s repeatedly promising and alluring glow,
Then, that is You.

If you have ever met someone who, for once, you were quite taken aback to not be disappointed in,
If you have ever loved someone who, for the first time, reflected depths of your divinity from within,
If you have ever befriended someone who continuously reciprocates your trust and generosity without expectations of earthly gains in kind,
If you have ever married someone who embodies unwavering love and devotion despite certainties of being yet another impermanence left behind,
Then, that is still You.

If you have ever had your heart split into two halves, the one blindingly white and the other one completely in the shadows,
If you have ever had your wings broken into pieces, feathers scattered about as you hung guilty again and again from the world’s gallows,
If you have ever had your throne set on fire, flames devouring all that is gold, gates chained for eternity,
If you have ever had your crown cast down, smashed into smithereens, blood in the air as they take the key,
Then, this is still for You.

Thinking of doing these mini-interruptions/breaks before I begin a completely different topic here from now on. Maybe next time some of my beloved memes or my collection of tarot and oracle decks…? Possibilities, possibilities!

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> Entry #7: Memories and Mistakes Made, Here Comes Mercury Retrograde

Spirit relationships. For many years now, it has been a very well-known topic within the community. From inspiring professional relationships that completely turned the practitioner’s life around, to the utterly romantic connections that make even forum lurkers swoon in hidden “OMG! #relationshipgoals !”, a closer and deeper bond with the spirits who truly resonate with us is very much encouraged, shared and valued.

I have to admit this is the most difficult entry to write so far. So much has been written about successful relationships, but how about the ones that were almost successful but still failed in the end? How about the ones that were almost there but still never completely got off the ground? How about the ones you almost had but still lost?

Much as I dislike agreeing with one of those “quotes” circulating around mainstream social media platforms, it is true: “Almost” must probably be the saddest word in the English language. I thought it was cancelledfreefood.

I initiated contact first when I felt a pull to reading and studying him more. There was not much written, aside from evocation accounts that made me feel completely out of my league. He was not known to stay for the hellos and get-to-know-yous, much less TALK to humans aside from the task at hand. In fact, I even recall descriptions of him being a merciless killer and as truly demonic as one can get.

If summoned properly, he takes his work seriously. Too seriously even, as some may say. It figures that his more personal relationships would be very few but strongly, permanently committed. At the time, I thought I desired the same vision too. I thought I knew myself well already, that I was ready for what a true commitment entailed.

2-3 years ago, Belial, then a mere acquaintance who likes coming and going just to either talk or joke around, told me via automatic writing, “ -spirit’s name here- ? The fellow has fallen quite hard, hasn’t he? I cannot blame him. You have a way of paying extra attention to spirits you like that make them feel very good about themselves. They feel very much seen/known/understood (?). I would advise, however, against acting immediately on his attraction to you if you do not feel like it [feel the same].” He ended the whole channeling with an amused, “Heh”, which made me shake my head and dismiss the entire message as, “Belial and his infamous hobby of always getting into other people’s relationships again. Sighs.” I ran off with what I heard, ego stroked to the fullest, and ignored the advice bit.

Perhaps you’re thinking, “I know where you’re going with this now, kid. This is the part where you convince us demons are fluffy and warm because you’re one of their lovers! Next thing you’ll be posting all the time is about how ‘chosen’ or ‘special’ you are because you were romanced by them.”

Well, yes and no. Yes, there really was something “special” but it’s more of the relationship shared and the fascinating facets of said spirit that have yet to be discovered and understood by many. And yes, I will be posting here all the time from now on lol. But no, despite such, I’m not even going to deny his bloodthirsty nature. That’s how he actually is, and can be terrifying when he’s in the room with you. I believe in caring and loving without biases and dishonesty as much as possible so if you’re thinking if this spirit is one of those up for a lighthearted rendezvous, don’t even think about it.

I won’t elaborate because I feel as if the intimacy and depth I have shared with another loses its meaning when I air it all out for everyone to see. Furthermore, the spirit in question also values privacy. I can tell you though that we only remained connected for a few months before I abandoned him like the coward I was. The part of us which always makes justifications and excuses for everything we do used to say, “Surely there’s a reason you went ghost on him, Pat. Did it turn out toxic like a few other spirit-human experiences we’ve read about before? If not, well then, just think: it could have in the long run!”

But that’s the thing, you see. It did not. At all. It was as peaceful and idyllic as a spirit-human relationship can become. It’s the type that could have made those forum lurkers go, #relationshipgoals!” because of how stable it all felt. It’s the type that I, if I were a clout-chasing chick, could have milked for Likes and Views on end here because of how loved and valued I was by this spirit.

And how I, in turn, cannot reciprocate.

The first formative years of a child is very crucial to his/her development in later life. One does not need to study Early Childhood Education to know that a child’s mind can be likened to that of a sponge soaking in water. We must be very careful of what and how the water = information is absorbed by the child, as he/she forms impressions from it all and begins to construct his/her individuality from there, first unconsciously then consciously.

Maria Montessori’s Absorbent Mind theory, and the stages of development she has coined under such, finds similarities to a beginner trying to navigate his way in the magickal path. Unfortunately, my first few steps in the path have begun in the wrong direction, soaked in concepts of a toxic human-spirit relationship and dysfunctional highs and lows of a disillusioned connection (an entry for another time). Sprinkle in some real-life roller-coaster relationships and dramatic dalliances for finishing touches and voila! I’m all good and ready for a field day with a psychologist.

Long story short: I have been raised to associate love with how ungrounded and unstable it could be. The more unpredictable it was, the moodier it could get me, the stronger and truer the love is. But is it enough of an excuse to just leave someone who loved you in all his quietness and stillness? He and I both know it was not. It will never be.

But it’s now serving as an excuse to work on my current relationships though, as well as unlearn and heal my own self-sabotaging patterns.

I wish I could tell you I was punished or suffered consequences from abruptly backing out of our connection, but the opposite seemed to have happened: water leakages from certain places there used to be some just disappeared. It did not rain longer than usual in our area. I suddenly lost interest in classical music and was not invested in listening or watching such anymore. There were no more strong chills or sensations in listening to his enn or meditating on his sigil.

Amidst my delayed realizations and apologies, he was still very understanding and forgiving. Divination relayed the same sentiments of forgiveness and release. Belial even told me the other night, “He will always love you. He understood that that was necessary for your growth. He remains your steadfast friend and protector should you ever decide to call on him again this time.”

Don’t get me wrong: this is not that cliché, “Oh, I finally decided I love him like that and want him back!” I really do not see him in that light and have accepted that we will never be as close as before, but what I truly regret is not treating and valuing a friend the way he deserved to be treated and valued. I regret not putting in equal effort, becoming vulnerable and trusting the way he did with me. Most of all, I just regret not being a good person to a spirit who, despite his feared reputation, has been nothing but good to me.

Wherever Duke Focalor is now at the time of my writing this, I truly wish him well.

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> 7.1

Here’s some information that may help in case one decides to work with Duke Focalor. Take these with a huge, if not truckloads, of salt though for after the Goetic sigil + descriptions, most of it are already UPG.

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The Forty-first Spirit is Focalor, or Forcalor, or Furcalor. He is a Mighty Duke and Strong. He appeareth in the Form of a Man with Gryphon’s Wings. His office is to slay Men, and to drown them in the Waters, and to overthrow Ships of War, for he hath Power over both Winds and Seas; but he will not hurt any man or thing if he be commanded to the contrary by the Exorcist. He also hath hopes to return to the Seventh Throne after 1,000 years. He governeth 30 Legions of Spirits.

Enn: En jedan on ca Focalor
Element: Water
Color: Green, though I also saw prominent Blue hues
Tarot Card: 6 of Pentacles

Physical appearance: Images Describing The Appearance Spirits Have Appeared As

  • All the images in this old post of mine, he appeared as variations of all those. The only appearance I have not provided is that of a pirate’s, because I just can’t find anything that fit how I saw him. Most images online are roguish and all that when he was anything but: he appeared as a brooding pirate who has his dark eyes narrowed at somewhere far away. The wind seemed to be blowing his long black hair. He had the stereotypical black beard of a pirate as well.

Personality: Unapproachable and intimidating. One of the few spirits IME who is not seeking public recognition. He just does not give a fuck lol. Usually neutral about humans in general. Very silent and rarely smiles. I have never seen him laugh. Even when I made him chuckle, it was still a quiet chuckle, the lips were still closed and it was so quick too. A spirit of few blunt words but dependable and solid actions. Very observant but does not speak much of it unless necessary. Not much a fan of the stuff we humans enjoy: say, memes. Never heard him crack a joke but I’d still like to think he does have a sense of humor. Takes tasks very seriously and if approaching him from a working relationship standpoint, best to hold onto your word and promises. If not close with him, you might feel as if he’s constantly glaring at you and that he’s too cold and unfeeling. Also slow to trust. However, once you develop a bond with him, he becomes a very loyal and fierce protector. Patient and understanding. May begin communicating more with you but via images. You may start to notice his sense of fairness and righteousness too. This comment sums it up best:

Likes: horror and gore (suddenly went on horror + gore video game playthrough marathons when he was around, as in YT playlist after playlist in just a day), thunderstorms, classical music (the only music he listens to), military symbolisms and military-styled clothes, solitude, calm and straightforward conversations, bravery even when he spooks you during meditations, a bit of indie folk music, “when people actually shut up and listen to themselves (?)”, meaning and depth, privacy, cats (if I remember correctly?), scorpions, spiders, torturing people who deserve it

Dislikes: flashiness, censoring his real messages or cutting him off when he’s in the middle of channeling a message, Taylor Swift’s songs (“no depth”) , “fluffy” tarot or oracle decks (used either standard RWS or the Tarot of Vampyres when communicating with him), bullies, people who view themselves as “higher” or “much better” than others (similar to Belial, but he’s less outspoken and expressive about it), impatience, injustice

Aside from those listed in the Goetia, work with him for: protection, dream work, digging deep into your subconscious, healing emotional blockages and traumas, quieting unnecessary and negative mental thoughts, calming one’s overly active imagination or nature (my usually hyper self really benefitted from this), focus and concentration during meditations/evocations, heightened detachment from one’s emotions so as not to cloud logic/judgment

Additional nonsensical UPG:

  • His favorite classical piece is Tchaikovsky’s “Pas de Deux”, followed by Mozart’s “Lacrimosa”.
  • The only type of humor he displayed is that of TwoSet Violin’s humor: classical music-related humor.
  • He likes making himself known through random drizzles of rain (even when it’s oh-so-sunny) or water droplets from nowhere. Can’t count how many times I told friends and classmates back then, “Hey, did you feel that droplet of water? Is it going to rain?” and they’re like, “Huh? I didn’t feel anything.There’s nothing.”
  • Oddly, he likes videos of animals fighting each other but at the same time, also footage of (abandoned or lone) animals just being fed or cared for.
  • He has also shown a preference for this Extreme Cooking” series: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLw4w6pxDkwuY19AA30--T67M3K-WGriC8
  • Summoning him for the first few times is a surreal experience. There were moments when I felt I was going to gradually drown if I did not assert myself enough.
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Sacrifice the child!!!

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