Hi everyone, I know it’s a too long text, but plz read it, I need your help.
It’s my first post. If I wanna say in short, my whole life is screwed up. Every aspect of it. Job, business, relations with people from work relations to romantic ones. Maybe you think I’m bolding these too much. But it’s true. I’m visited by multiple psychologist to check my behaviors and they didn’t diagnose social behavior issues in me. In other words I’m a normal guy.
I’m a highly intelligent and professional one in my industry but I lose every job I get after a few months. I’m handsome and attractive but I lose every girl I get after a few months just like the jobs. Always with similar patterns and similar time frames and always without a really big and robust reasons. Just for very tiny things that changed to a typhoon in a dramatic and radical way.
From my early childhood I was interested to magic and occultism and have a powerful visualization, even I created an imaginary friend for myself and talked to him, felt he was with me always and I felt his appearance and his colors. Also I named him. So I think he was a kind of servitor if I’m not wrong because I don’t know much about real magic and esoteric learnings I mean structural and fundamental approach to learning and practicing magic.
I watched many horror movies and read and heard horror stories in my childhood. I’m raised in a deep religious family. The kind of families that see casual sex as an unforgivable sin, so I think you know the rest of my environment. I was too religious like them but about 5 years ago I started to change little by little and today I don’t believe in any man made religions.
So everything is locked for me. I think there is force i.e. demon etc. that is watching me carefully and destroy my relations my jobs my financial stuffs etc. Right at the moment of fruition.
With my own self studying I do some law of attraction works, listen to subliminal audios, listen to shamanic drums and journeying, think about my intentions during masturbating, look at some sigils and talismans in books etc. I read in Magickal Protection book by Damon Brand that we might be in crossed conditions, he wrote “Crossed conditions can occur when you are on the wrong spiritual path (through chasing dreams that aren’t really your own), when you have inadvertently offended a spirit, spent time in a place that is sacred to others, or passed through a place that is tainted with evil. You can also be crossed if somebody hates you powerfully enough, even if they have no occult experience. The same crossed conditions can arise from the repetition of negative comments about yourself to yourself.” -Damon Brand wrote.
I feel heavy in my belly and below and some feeling between my eyebrows and no feeling in my chest, like a stone heart. Cold leg and generally low energy. Black screen dreams 99% of the nights without joyful sleeping. I see many many repeated numbers. Feeling truly lonely in the universe. So I don’t have a life really.
Sorry for the long story.
What are your thoughts? Please help me to save my life. I fear to practice magic because I have fear of contacting with dangerous demons and spirits and its consequences.
In my culture there are some guys who changes your name to bring luck into your life, should I do that? I decided to correct everything and start my new life.
Finally I wanna say plz help me. Thank you buddies.