Not trying to be edgy, but

Really really really honestly not trying to be all grimdark 2spoopy4u
…but…
i think i’m “allergic” to light energy…

some background: father tried to raise me catholic… didnt work so well as i naturally was repelled by the dogma and couldnt ever pay attention in church. i would completely zone out and retreat into my imagination.

I renounced my “faith” (didnt have much of it to renounce lul) and i began exploring “the dark” (more) when I was in highschool. I didn’t read books on the occult or anything till years later, but I felt at home in the darkness i surrounded myself in. I would sit alone in the dark at night, breathing in the tranquil blackness and basking in the feeling of mystery that came with it. I let my mind wander wherever it pleased. I learned a lot about myself in those times.

a decade or so later, my life was turned upside down, i unearthed an inner truth which saved my life, but i lost practically everything. I was forced to move to a different country, as I (perhaps) would not have been able to survive in my former homeland. Luckily, I was not a complete stranger to this new country, as I had been a citizen there from birth and had lots of welcoming family there…

but still, i felt raw and exposed and vulnerable in this new place, having to learn so much in so little time. I had to face this moslty on my own and loneliness crept in and sank its hooks in me. Yes, i had family here, but they were busy with their own lives, so i had to fend for myself 95% of the time. So, I turned to people on facebook, and that led to getting acquainted with RHP people and New Age cuckoos… Theirs was a promise of healing and love, which i desperately longed for, so I began to learn about their ways of light and tried my hand at their practices.

Things seemed to be going well for a time. I was interacting with people more and developing my abilities. My potential was even recognized by a close-knit group of empaths belonging to one particular group on the book of face, and was invited into their fold to help do readings and healing for others. I was a shoe-in and would eagerly help out whenever i could… until one day i did a reading for someone who had a past similar to mine… someone who naturally loved the dark, but then was mindfucked by Practitioners of White Woo into feeling guilt and shame for embracing a natural part of the self.

I told him “dont be afraid of who you are and what you love…” but he had been severely damaged mentally and emotionally… I peered into his soul and beheld sickening things that still haunt me to this day, from time to time, and it takes huge effort to force them out of my mind. I became confused… why was this person’s darkness suddenly feeling threatening to me? I lost sense of both who i was and who i was desperately trying to be to fit in… Then came along a predatory little shitstain, sensing my confusion and imbalance, and he worked his parasitic little fingers deep into my mind like maggots into a gaping, necrotic wound.

He, too, promised love and light… but behind the facade was an obscured bent of domination. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker :frowning: He would spend as much time as possible preaching to me about how he was close to “god” and how he was going to be famous for writing a new chapter in the bible… He spewed all kinds of bullshit, which, in my blinded state, I lapped up gratefully.

Days, or weeks, passed… I cant really recall much, but maybe thats for the best. My mental and emotional state declined, and i was suddenly filled with anxiety and paranoia about things i’d never worried about at any point in my life previous to this torturous period. I begged him, and everyone else in every “love and light” corner of the internet i could find, for help, for healing. Many of them pitched in, but things just got worse and worse… until ultimately, I was convinced that I was truly alone in this universe, that literally everyone else was merely a puppet controlled by powers that were set out to jail and enslave me, and that the only way to escape was through suicide…

Let me make one thing clear, this wasnt just highly irregular behavior and thinking for me, it was something unprecedented in my entire family history. Sure, some of my family suffered from depression, but never psychosis, never delusions… yet here i was, standing, sobbing in the bath tub, convinced i had to end it all. But those of the light were helping me! they were! they were sending their high vibrational mojo from their respective corners, imbuing me with their love! …but it all was like a fucking anchor that was bringing me down deeper into this hellish purgatory…

Finally, something snapped in me. Something said “fuck this, this isnt who i am, I AM IN CONTROL HERE” and then, as an unstoppable force of nature, as a tidal wave obliterating a beaver dam, the void, the darkness, the love of my TRUE light rushed back into me. Once again, I was free! I felt exhilaration as I propped myself up by my own power and hurried to tell my close “friend” of the “light” who I really was! I foolishly thought he would accept me, for he preached nothing but love and acceptance of all… but i was sorely disappointed as he abandoned me in a heartbeat… “oh, i dont like that…” and suddenly he BLOCKED me from facebook. Well, so much for “holy unconditional love”…

so anyway, I learned my lesson (or so I thought), but decided to take a break from all things occult and spiritual until I had fully recovered from the ordeal. Fast-forward a few years, and I find myself here on BALG. I thought, “oh hey cool! i remember seeing EA and BALG in its infancy about a decade ago when i first ventured onto the LHP! Let’s see how it’s come along!”

Lo and behold, I find myself feeling at home in this little nook. BUT, thinking I could now handle more than ever before, and being told I gotta do this and that with “light” and save the darkness for only these other things, I began pumping white energy into my chakras and trying to heal old wounds with “light”… GUESS WHAT!? The same fucking paranoia and feelings of powerlessness crept right back in… I thought “well maybe it’s just temporary as I adjust to a new way of doing things”, seemingly forgetting that i’d been down this road before… Once again, things just got worse and worse the more i exposed myself to the “light”. I didnt want to accept that it was doing harm, but the proof is in the pudding, right? So, finally listening to my intuition, I decided to channel in dark energies instead… and the paranoia and uneasiness and the mind-wracking physical symptoms stopped! They just went POOF! GONE!

I really am confused by this… I really dont want to come off like an edgy highschool mall goth wannabe-vampire who bares their plastic faux fangs at the sun, trying to hiss while choking on a bit of phlegm and snot… and… while I genuinely tried… REALLY TRIED… TWICE… to incorporate the white light into my repertoire… it fucking burned me, and it was the DARKNESS that patched up my wounds, it was the DARKNESS that breathed life back into me…

what the fuck is “wrong” with me?? :confounded:

anyone else experience this, one way or the other?

is there any way to get over this “allergy” so i can become more eclectic and varied in my abilities? or am i just supposed to accept that i’m some kind of sooper scary grim frostbitten kvlt forest-dwelling night-humping horned cloven-hooved vaginally-toothed pitch-belching chthonic monster? :thinking:

6 Likes

Nothing, lmao.

If you vibe better with darkness, just roll with it.

But, there is another possibility - perhaps you connected to some sort of “white light” structure that sucks your power up, instead of proper light.

Try evoking an angel, like Michael, Raphael, Gabriel, perhaps even Metatron, ask him to show you your own light and power, and how to use it.

If that still makes you sick, I’d just go full edge mode. :joy:

4 Likes

hahaha thanks, sounds like a plan!
at the moment, though, im pretty hesitant to fuck with anything like that…
think i’ll try asking Lucifer first…

2 Likes

Embrace the edge, just don’t cut yourself.

You would do well to remember that neither the light or dark are evil or good, simply different sides of the same coin. What one side offers, the other has a similar offer.

3 Likes

So much to cover here.

Let’s start at the end.
What you need, I think, is Balance. You mention the chakras cleansing as being a trigger for the old feelings. Well, firstly, that’s not a bad thing. Those are feelings you’re going to need to work through and overcome. It seems you’ve identified where they come from, which makes it a lot easier to devour them.
Secondly, nothin wrong with cycling white light. But you may consider cycling black at the same time. Nature (all of existence) works and survives by equal, opposing forces that are constantly working together.
I won’t get into the nitty-gritty but I can tell you that I have seen this force, this cooperation of forces, at work on a grand scale and can verify that which science has already proven is true at the spiritual/metaphysical level as well.

What I do is feel the white spiraling into me and the black spiral in an opposite motion, meeting at the solar plexus, going inverse, and spiraling out.
The end result is that you become as the Universe is. You don’t neglect or disavow any part of your energy but rather integrate all of it into the whole of the amazing, unyielding creature that you are.

You are Creator and Destroyer. Light and Dark. Yin and Yang, baby. One cannot exist without the other and what those hippie-crunchy-lightworkers fail to realize is that they are only attaining half of their potential. And throwing shit off balance.
Balance is key.

Yes, I feel you on the Lightworker thing. I also walked a mile in their shoes and it nearly tore me apart. I had released my Kundalini and opened my third eye and had kind of a stuggle coping with it, as all the resources available to me were mostly the words of people who just really liked to listen to themselves. It’s such a fucking slog to go through their writings, or posts, or whatever, and find the tiny grains of useful information.
The weirdest thing to me was if I tried to speak to an actual human being on the RHP, 99% of the time, they really did not want to hear me. I couldn’t understand why I was being ignored or being given such strange looks. Eventually, as I achieved Balance, I figured it out. They were frightened because I was actually Enlightened. I had touched the end of the fucking Universe and it showed.

In my case, I’ve always felt like a thing of light. My wife told me that she’s always seen only light in me (and she’s down with the Goetia). One day, as I came to accept myself, I said to her “You know…for a multidimensional being of infinite light, I am pretty fucking DARK.” She, of course, already knew this.

Back to the beginning. My mom tried to take me to church once, when I was very young. It did not go well haha. She tells me that I was contorting and making crazy noises. They kicked us out!
Portents of things to come, I suppose. Some of us sense the twisted bullshit from the beginning!

You need to take your own advice right there. =)
That sentence struck me and is heart-breaking. You can see it in others and it’s clear. Turn that mirror around, kiddo.

6 Likes

Haha…oh boy, I just realized this is literally my user icon. Hahaha…

3 Likes

gods damnit… lol

harumph… you might be right :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

im scared, but i’ll try it lol

fucking… R I G H T ?

but do i? do i REAALLY??? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

FINE! :stuck_out_tongue:

lol thank you for the kind words and insight :heart:

3 Likes

hmm, now that i think about it, ive actually always been the opposite… i love working with the blackest, darkest, thickest, densest, gooiest, most nihilistic energies… but i’ve always been a caring, light-hearted, fun-loving, whimsical, empathetic person lol

maybe my balance lies in expressing my light essence through my personality
while expressing my dark essence through my magick and art
:thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: :thinking:

4 Likes

My wife is the same way. We compliment each other well.

1 Like

I remember as a kid I always thought that whenever they all would all recite prayers, they seemed like mindless zombies. They seemed more “evil” than anything else. :thinking:

2 Likes

“He is the EDGELORD! You are not the EDGELORD! EDGELORD!” Anyone else seen that?

2 Likes

Unfortunately… yes I have… Quite some time ago… Ahaha…

1 Like

Yes, when I worked with Ahriman, so when I read this yesterday I just wanted to scream GO BUY Black Magick Of Ahriman, so, that feeling has remained…

2 Likes

Ditto :point_up: :grin:
Edit. To add a point ive been working from this for almost 9 months now. :scream: cant believe its been that long lol time went fast :rofl:
The results are a lil insane. The work has forced me to take many hard looks at myself but as a result i have gained more self-discipline and become more self-Reliance also challenging myself more both with expanding my practice and my career. :face_with_monocle:

2 Likes

I totally feel you on the energies you describe. I’m the same way.

Yes. I’ve always had an allergy to light in general. When I began doing energy and chakra work, many people suggest building energy with a “radiant white light” or something along those lines. Just reading it made me wince. Using light never felt correct for me. It would drain and destroy me in a different way that I wasn’t accustomed to; being a masochist helps… I could feel my insides thrashing… like a newly implanted heart being rejected by the body… Every fiber of my being rejected the light… I worked with black energy or black flame instead to empower myself.

I can’t even be around or work with beings who are strictly balanced between light and dark. Being exposed to the light aspect agitates my core essence… I can’t connect to light.

I’ve embraced that the black side of the spectrum is where I belong and will always remain.

I’ve felt an intense draw to that book for quite some time now. It keeps getting stronger in the back of my head.

2 Likes

My work with that current was initiated by this video, ignore the weird thumbnail because it isn’t in the video lol, but it’s a powerful gate-opener and it may be worth watching to see how it sits with you @anon27714670

These were my experiences off that:

Life-changing stuff just from one video, and you’re going to get far more power and bang for your buck from Kurtis’ work, which dug deeply into that current. :sunglasses:

5 Likes