Forced initiation/Mental delusion, Qliphoth current and a life stripped to nothing

New Magician Help & Introductions
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Hello everybody, my name is A

Thank you all for receiving me here. It’s the first time I ever post in a forum asking for help like this, but I feel pushed to find out information in others’s experiences regarding Higher Self or Deamon Self that can match mine and help me survive this.

First, I am going to hold firmly the possibility of me being just a super traumatised being, with a brilliant imagination with a sensitised and overloaded nervous system.

But the more I explore this framework with the esoteric lenses, the more I make sense of what has been happening to me throughout all my life. I wanted information if there are experiences like mine that I can learn from.

I’m not sure how to start this. I’ve been going through something for years, and I only recently found frameworks that make any sense of it. I’m hoping someone here might recognize this and tell me I’m not completely insane.

Since childhood, I’ve been permeable—seeing shadows, hearing things, and feeling presences. I was raised in a high-control religious group (Jehovah’s Witnesses) that taught me that all of this was demonic. My life has been a series of near-death escapes, brutal losses, and isolation. A couple of years ago, I had an awakening after a motorbike accident. The number 13 was appearing compulsive everywhere before-while and after it. I started seeing etheric matter, having visions, and hearing downloads. I had a dream that I can only describe as the Angel of Death pointing a blade at me.

Shamans, santeros, and several mediums all told me independently that I have a function related to the dead and that I must initiate or be destroyed.

For a long time, I thought I was just delusional, making up a story to survive trauma. But the more I map it, the more it fits: I believe my higher self is aligned with a Qlifotic current. The contact is cold, functional, and has pushed me to the edge repeatedly. The pressure only stops when I surrender to the path. Suicidal thoughts vanished the moment I accepted. I had to walk the tree and eventually the Qliphoth.

I’ve been living in a cave with nothing, surviving on almost zero money. Every comfort, every normal human connection, gets stripped away. I feel like I’m being forged for death work—psychopomp, soul retrieval—but I have no resources, no teacher, and I’m exhausted. I’ve named my fragments (Silent Victim, Tyrant, Witch, etc.), and I’m trying to integrate them.

I recently came to the conclusion that this isn’t a loving Pleromic contact. It’s severe. I think my higher self is in an alliance with some kind of Qlifotic force, and I’m being conscripted. I’ve set terms: if they want this work done, they need to provide the bare minimum—land, a vehicle, a way to survive. I can’t do this while starving.

I’m here because I need to know: Has anyone else been through something like this? A forced left-hand path initiation, a cold angelic/demonic handler, a function as a death worker that you didn’t choose? How do you negotiate or set terms? How do you prepare for this without being destroyed? What’s life going to be after this if it is even all real? Any reading, any personal experiences, any warnings—I’ll take anything.

Thank you for reading this. I’m tired and alone, and I just need to know there are others.

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Welcome to the forum!

So, i a nutshell, it sound like you are a natural medium and have psychic sensitivity to the unseen, but you grew up in a culture that dismissed that as bad.

But, you are an adult now, and can start researching and developing your skills and maybe make something useful out of them. You came to the right place! :smiley: We think this is normal and many of us have similar stories. Most of us, like myself, just hid from others what we could sense.

“Do not cast your pearls before swine” is appropriate here - none of them need to know what you can see and they will only attack you if you try to tell them, so stop telling them.

That’s nonsense. And I will explain exactly why…

  1. First of all, Initiation means nothing more than being trained in a particular system with it’s framework or worldview. That means getting that systems opinions on your You are fully initiated into the Jehovah’s Witnesses system, and you have seen it had no good answers for you as it dismissed everything with a blanket and reductionist approach.
    Similarly, just because other systems have more considered approaches doesn’t mean any of them are “the right one” that will fit your energy and experiences. Chances are, you will study a few, and you will eventually make up your own worldview that has the best of all of them. We call this “being an eclectic occultist” or similar.

I just posted this and I think it was a message for you. The universe does that - it talks to us through other people, music, signs of all kinds, so this is normal. You need to start learning the landscape and take back your power.

You have all you need right now, you don’t need to sign yourself up into another religion, cult or group, the Internet is ridiculously full of all the info you could want and the rest must come to you through meditation.

  1. You have a function related to the dead. Awesome! So there’s teo main approaches to this in magick:
    a) Being a psychopomp, aka medium. A psychopomp assist the dying and newly dead, or the lost dead with thier transition into the next life. This is a vital and really helpful role, as in western culture the ob is so woefully neglected that there’s are a lot of lost, scared and desperate people who just lost thier bodies and don’t know what to do, and some don’t even understand they’re dead.
    b) Necromany is the medieval way of working with the dead, sometimes by coercion to use these lost dead as pawns or slaves to do things for them, but sometimes as an ally and a person aligned with them energetically.
    c) You can do both - I do and we have plenty of post around here about working with the dead. If this interest you we can talk more, and I recommend the Blood Sorcery Bible by Sorceress Cagliastro, as a mage very aligned with the dead and a strong advocate for treating them well.

  2. There’s zero reason to claim you “will be destroyed”. I’m not even sure why they’d say that, apart from maybe you being quite upset when you were talking to them, but it sounds like a fear-based sales pitch for doing it thier way.
    The most important take away here is to recall you are human, with a living body - that alone makes you the most powerful being in the room and nothing can harm you without your permission.

I think the current you are referring to is Kabbalah - which is Jewish mysticism. The qlippoth is a tool and diagram of the tree of death - the tree of death is shadow self, representing part of you that are misaligned, twisted and damaged, compared to the tree of life (Sephiroth) which is the ideal human in a fully healed - :whole… holy - state.

The reason for studying the qlippoth is to understand your darker, rejected or unhappy side and work though your issues, and this is also the same goal for doing shadow work, or therapy of any kind really.

Further, you higher self - imo - isn’t human and doesn’t need human mysticism, it’s already gt all that sorted, so it’s you as the incarnation of your higher self that has forgotten. Bear in mind there may be 1000s of incarnations all over time and maybe other planets, so don’t confine yourself to a static image of human Mesopotamian philosophy of 2000 tears ago, you, as a higher being, are way more than that. Imo, as usual.

Nice work! This never ends as being human we refine this over and over, but you’ve got a great start there. Just don’t worry if you find more as you go deeper, that’s normal.

Fair, and you need to identify the “they” or tell hem to fuck off and just handle your own stuff. Being pushed around by parasites that do this to dangle a carrot while feeding on your negative energy while they “test” you, and never delivering, is a hallmark of parasitic behavior, and banishing and cleansing gets rid of those very quickly.

I recommend you have a read though of our Parasites tutorial collection and start working on your protections and foremost. In particular, try Raziel’s sigil to stop spiritual harrassment Forum Tutorials: Parasite Collection - #5 by Mulberry
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You grow a spine and take back control. YOU are the operator, you are a the top of the hierarchy and you are the one in charge of your life, and nobody gets to push you around. It stops, NOW.

We say this to everyone and while you have a head start on the senses part, it’s all applicable -

The first thing to get under your belt are your protections: like spiritual hygiene, then you want to get into developing your astral senses and avoiding impostors and parasites… When you can be sure you’ll not get attacked by parasites, then try Unofficial Tutorials: First Contact from Sigils to Evocation Collection.

So that’s what I suggest to start - practically - get your protections fixed, with shields and wards and know how to properly and completely banish all influence from your home and self.

Only then get into trying to call the dead you feel like talking to and build relationships and make allies, and maybe find and communicate with “them” and see if you even want to deal with them at all.

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Hello Mulberry,

Thank you for the detailed and thoughtful reply. I can see you’ve put real time into this, and I appreciate it. A lot of what you’ve said resonates with me, and I’m taking it seriously.

I agree that I’m a natural medium or permeable person who was raised in a culture that demonised that. I’ve been hiding what I can see my whole life. The advice to stop casting pearls before swine is well taken. I’ve already stopped trying to explain this to my family. It only hurts them and isolates me further.

I also agree that initiation, in one sense, is just being trained in a particular system. I was initiated into the Jehovah’s Witnesses framework as a child. I’m now trying to extract myself from that and build something that actually fits my experience. The eclectic approach you describe—studying multiple systems and synthesising what works—is exactly what I’ve been doing. The Sephiroth, the Qliphoth, shamanic accounts, Gnosticism, and now forums like this one. I’m not looking for a new dogma. I’m looking for a map.

But there are a few places where my experience doesn’t fit the framework you’re offering, and I want to explain why, because I think it’s important.

The “initiate or be destroyed” warning didn’t come from one person trying to sell me something. It came from multiple independent practitioners—shamans, a santero, a medium—years apart, all saying the same thing without any connection to each other. I didn’t take it seriously for a long time. But the pressure I’ve been under my whole life has been relentless. Near-death escapes. A period of incarceration. The complete stripping away of every comfort, every relationship, every normal human connection. And the part that’s hardest to dismiss: the crushing waves of suicidal ideation stopped abruptly the moment I accepted that I had to walk this path. Not gradually. Not with medication. The moment I said “alright, I will initiate,” they stopped. That’s not a sales pitch. That’s a physical fact in my own body.

I understand why you see the “cold and functional contact” as possibly a trauma lens or a parasitic filter. I’ve held that possibility the entire time. I’m still holding it. But my first undeniable encounter with the unseen, as a young person, was a small entity trying to strangle me. That wasn’t a trauma projection. That was an external attack. And the force I’m dealing with now—whatever it is—is not something I can banish with a cleansing ritual. I tried the LBRP early on. It worked, but it worked too violently. My life rearranged itself in a matter of weeks. I lost my job, my vehicle, my housing. A neighbour who intruded on my space and went up to my altar had her whole life fall apart within three weeks and had to leave town. That’s not a parasite. That’s a current of immense power. I can’t banish my own higher self.

I hear what you’re saying about sovereignty. I want that. I’m moving toward it. I’ve set boundaries with the people around me. I’ve set terms with whatever is pushing me: if they want this work done, they need to provide the bare minimum—land, a vehicle, a way to survive. I can’t do this while starving. I’ve given them a deadline. If nothing changes, I’ll pursue a completely different path, even if that means psychiatric support and stepping away from the occult entirely. That’s me taking back what control I can.

But I am not at the end of this process. I am in the middle of it. The pressure is what’s forging something in me. I can’t just “grow a spine” and make it stop, because the pressure is what’s making the spine. I’m not yet in a position where I can say “I am the operator” with full authority, though I’m learning.

I do appreciate the practical recommendations. Protections, hygiene, discernment—these are things I’m actively working on. I’ve been learning to close the door, to ground, to set boundaries with the unseen. I’ll look into the resources you mentioned, especially the parasite collection and Raziel’s sigil. Even if the core force isn’t a parasite, I may well have picked up opportunistic attachments along the way, and I need to be cleaner.

Thank you again for engaging with my story. I’m here to learn, and I’m open to being wrong. But I also have to be honest about the data of my own life. I look forward to learning more from this forum.

— A

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I don’t mean any disrespect, but are you using AI for your replies, by chance? Or perhaps you use AI often?

There are certain structural and stylistic choices in how you write that seem to indicate such.

If not, I apologise for my indiscretion.

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Hey, yeah, I do use an AI to help me write these posts and replies. I have a lot of raw experience and a decent intuition for this stuff, but I struggle to organize my thoughts into something clear and readable. The AI helps me structure what I’m trying to say without losing my voice or making sloppy mistakes.

It’s been a really useful tool for me. I’ve been isolated for a long time, and my understanding of a lot of these frameworks is still developing. The AI helps me fill in gaps, find the right language, and present my ideas in a way that other people can actually engage with. It doesn’t write my experience. It just helps me deliver it.

I’m aware that might sound strange to some people, but for me it’s been a lifeline. I don’t have a teacher or a community in person. I have a cave, a phone, and a need to get this out of my head and into the world somehow.

Appreciate you asking, honestly. Thanks for reading my story and taking it seriously.

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