Two weeks ago I was ready to kill myself.
March, monday 9th, about 8pm I went through 5 drugstores in order to get a venoclysis equipment, the last thing I needed to get my way out. I tried a few times the last decade (I’m 24 now) and had everything planned one week earlier. I knew I was going to succeed. But I couldn’t find the damn thing.
Now, here are the reasons why I’m asking for your help, I’m superlatively pissed off with this situation and I’d like to understand why this is happening.
1.Friday 6th I received a message from a tarot reader from Richlands, in the other hemisphere. I barely knew of his existence, and that’s just because of his fb page.
He gave me some cryptic information about Astaroth, a guide if you want, to find it within the self, and to control my life, in his words. I translated it to my native language and studied it. Same evening it smelled sweet, my bedroom was full of it. Later I confirmed with him, he executed a ritual for me. I’m worthless, he didn’t have to do it, I felt guilty asap. That was interesting I admit, but by Monday I was devastated again.
Sunday 8th I hanged out with a friend. He’s helping me with all of this and told me he should call the police and put me in a mental hospital. Still, we’re loyal. Finally he told me not to do it because of his premonitorial dreams, told me he had dreamed of me, happy and introducing him to a daughter of mine. I don’t have children and I have never intended to have any. He’s like me, he is killing himself but slowly. I must say: we’re not special, this is just mental illness.
Tuesday 10th. Since I didn’t get that equipment, I swore I would do it the next day. I was loosing the feeling and all the anger, I was afraid of loosing the nerve too. By the afternoon I was closing my laptop right after cleaning up, the last pending thing, and I received a call (no one calls me) from this guy who wanted me for a job interview, a friend of mine had recommended me since I have no extra academic obligations for the next semester. We met a few hours later. On the way I was desolated, I asked for a sign, anything that showed me the only thing that makes my life worthy would be mine. I was going to tell him in person I was sorry and couldn’t help him, later I would kill my self as I was supposed to. (I have no congruence, not even in my own head, I’m sorry, it’s hard to explain.)
I had my sign, surprisingly, right after the meeting. I can’t say what is it, but it happened.
Still, by Friday I was a mess again, but didn’t have the will power to do it. I had the venoclysis equipment by then.
The conclusion is: I’m miserable, I planned to die, and the only day I have the strength to achieve it, everything is against me. Even a sorcerer from other country is involved, my friend arranged for me a lovely gift once this quarantine is over, and I’m just pissed off because every time I’m decided and have the means, something or someone appears and gives me hope. And a few months later everything goes to hell and I’m broken in pieces again. I feel something or someone is using me, or wants to preserve me for entertainment.
If someone has an idea of what is going on, I will be sincerely grateful. The thing is: young folks kill themselves every day, why the gods don’t send them signs or plainly sabotage their plans?
Btw, I’ve practiced magic. That’s why I’m here.