THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

In my dream, I remember being in total awe that all my practice finally led me to see these things as I was awake. I remember thinking YES! I KNEW I WAS DOING THIS FOR A REASON! I KNOW FOR SURE THAT THIS IS ALL REAL!

I was totally ecstatic despite being afraid

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Today I keep having Asmodeus’ name popping into my head. I searched his name here and read a story someone write about their experience evoking Him and felt really giddy and excited.

Thinking about Asmodeus now is sending shivers through my body, like warm waves flowing down my shoulders and back and through my chest. Kind of like butterflies, I guess.

Unsure if this is related to my dream or not, though I have been routinely having very sexual dreams. A lot more than usual. Every dream I had last night had a sexual element to it, all which was very forbidden and kinky.

I’m a very sexual person, but I’m sure there’s more to Asmodeus than that. I’ll have to do more research, but I have a sudden intense urge to contact Him.

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It just struck me that I’ve been having issues with being assertive and confident, and this could be what Asmodeus can help me out with.

I have come a long way – I used to be so insecure that I wouldn’t even speak. People thought I was a mute. No exaggeration.

Becoming a stripper for a little while helped me come out of my shell, but I still have a long ways to go if I’m going to be the assertive go-getter I know I truly am.

I think He can help me.

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Today was a research and study day. I read a lot about Asmodeus and how he is less a spirit of lust as he is one of passion, and I thought about my passions a lot today, particularly while I was cooking dinner for my family tonight, as cooking is something I’m passionate about.

I thought about all the things that made me feel passionate, whether it was lustful, angry, or creative. I thought about how I can introduce more hobbies and skills in my every day life that will produce more of that passionate energy.

Reading about Asmodeus definitely put some pep in my step and had me thinking a lot about these things.

I know that learning new things will bring about confidence, and I have always wanted to learn Finnish. Why not make the most out of life by learning a whole new way of speaking and experiencing the world around you as well as immerse yourself in a new culture? It’s a place I’ve always wanted to go to. This would give me more confidence and new experiences which give one a newfound lust for life.

I have to get my GED so that I can stop wasting away at customer service jobs that drain me and actually do what I’m passionate about.

Passion really is the driving force behind everything I aspire to do and to be.

I have to tap into that energy by implementing small changes in my life, such as picking up a sketchbook and drawing like I used to, blaring some music and dancing around the house, taking my insecurities and turning it into anger (a form of passion) that I can use to fuel my exercise routine and studies.

If I can take my feelings, amplify them, and turn it into raw passion while visualizing the person I know in my heart I truly am, then I actually will change the things about myself that do not benefit me.

I never really thought about these things until today, and I’m grateful that I’ve gotten where I am today. I never would have been this person if I hadn’t started on this path.

I never used to care about any of this shit until I fell into such a deep hole that living was unbearable.

Today I am happy, but that’s not enough. I should honor myself by accomplishing everything I want to accomplish. I will.

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This would have been better with chicken breasts, but whatever, it was tasty.

Marinated chicken in a balsamic honey dijon sauce I whipped up. Cooked it in the oven and finished it on the grill.

I made homemade sundried tomato pesto and slathered it on the chicken, then put sliced mozzarella and sprinkled chopped basil on top

Made an arugula and bib lettuce salad with parmesan, tomatoes, bacon (for my father in law who I knew would shit at the sight of bacon) with balsamic and olive oil

I think next time I will use chicken breasts that I will butterfly and then stuff with the mozzarella and sundried tomato pesto rather than just slap it on top

And then maybe sprinkle the top with breadcrumbs mixed with butter and parmesan for a crunch

I went outside to take my dog pee, and when I looked up at the moon, I saw a bat flying across the sky. I could only stutter “B-B BAT IT’S A BAT” to my boyfriend out of pure awe and excitement.

I love bats, I’ve always loved bats, and I’ve never seen a bat here in Florida. Maybe I just wasn’t perceptive before, but I felt it was some kind of message.

I looked up bats and their symbolism, and a lot resonated with me. The death of the old self and embracing new changes, looking into the darkness within ones self and facing the shadow, etc.

It made me feel that I’m doing everything right, and that I must embrace these new changes within myself and continue to strive for a better life and never give up my practice

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This morning I woke up at 6:00 and was unable to get back to sleep. I cradled my dog in my arms and nuzzled her head for about 40 minutes while watching an awful Hallmark Christmas movie. Despite the 2D characters and cringe worthy acting, I felt the cozy spirit of Christmas, which is really the point of these movies. I watched the entire thing, so who am I to say it was that bad.

I’m thinking about a few things this morning. I realize that I never cast spells. Ever. Am I hindering my growth by focusing too much on “bettering myself”? Spells are one of the many things we can do to make a better life for ourselves and to fine-tune our behaviors and personality.

I spend all this time wondering why I can’t do x thing very easily, when I could just cast a spell.

Is it that I’m a stubborn individual? I guess so. It took me this long to realize that I should get in there and do some spell work. Though to be fair, I used to be in a constant state of depression and severe anxiety, so my only humble wish was to stop wanting to end my life at all times. It’s taken me a little while to get used to this newfound stability, and it’s probably best that I didn’t run around casting spells left and right in such a mentally ill state.

Anyway, I’m also thinking about King Paimon and what I feel to be a deep closeness to Him despite still trying to stimulate my astral senses enough to hear Him when He is near. I get some messages but they are delivered through feeling mostly, and a major feeling is one of comfort. He gives me such a sense of clarity and calm. I can feel his warm, knowing smile, and the way his eyes close for a moment when he nods, in such understanding, and the depth of his knowledge and insight, the way he gestures his hand every now and then, and while I can’t exactly hear what he says, I can see his lips move in my mind’s eye, and I can understand what he means to convey through these wordless interactions, and understand the vastness of of who He is, and what He is to me. To feel that I can turn to Him when I need to, that He will be here so as long as I ask, is such a relief for me.

“Of course, all you have is to ask” is what He said to me so long ago.

I’m sure I could go on and on about King Paimon and the way I feel about Him, but today I must get together a list of what I want to implement into my life and see about getting some books that will help me get over this plateau in my progress.

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Forgot to mention that I did something kind for myself today. It may not seem like a big deal, but for me, it is.

A friend wanted me over tomorrow and told me 7 AM sharp. Typically, I would complain in my head and build a resentment about going that early, yet still go, and continue to let that resentment build. I would have anxiety about wanting to say no the entire day before, yet still go, and act as if I’m delighted to do it.

Well, I said no, I will not go that early. This person is very demanding about it, but I choose to have no resentment towards them and to risk them getting mad at me than to do something I just don’t want to do.

This is huge for me, because the idea of others getting mad at me is the driving factor behind why I ever do things that either don’t align with who I am or that I simply just don’t want to do, and this causes me a lot of distress and anxiety on a daily basis.

For me to say no, and to genuinely not care if they decide they are upset is a big move towards what I want to achieve as a person, so I’m excited and want to share that here as something I can look back on in the future when I’m doing even bigger and better things.

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Spell work is great, something small, do a binding spell to bind your friends demanding nature.

King Paimon, is an awesome entity.

Try Vassago, he help with divination (tarot reading) and helps magicians with their magic.

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Good idea! I will look into binding spells and post about it here. I will also do some reading on Vassago. I appreciate your help immensely.

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I don’t remember if I posted about it, but I did a petition spell to get a job paying over minimum wage within two weeks. I haven’t been obsessing about it, and I’m going to continue job hunting as normal to stay proactive about it and leave it up to Belial (who I petitioned it to) to work behind the scenes. I’ve got faith that it will work out.

Also thinking that I’ll do a spell to quit smoking cigarettes. It’s just too expensive at this point, and Im tired of having an unhealthy addiction.

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Tonight I am serene and radiating a warm glow.

I did not feel well today, and towards the end of the night, I became teary eyed and anxiety ridden. Very, very sensitive.

I ran a hot bath with salt, rosemary, and amethyst, then dimmed the lights and lit a white candle. I listened to the amethyst frequency sounds on Satanias youtube channel, and meditated.

I visualized the bath water was glowing with a white energy that swirled around and within me, that each breath in brought in cleansing and positive energy, and each breath out released any negativity.

I saw a golden light wrap around me like a shield that both repelled negativity and sucked in positivity and healing.

King Paimon came to mind and I was swept away in the most intense feeling of love and power which felt like a hug wrapped around my soul and my body was in a kind of ecstacy that I’ve only felt before when I had had a reiki healing session. It was immense, and not sexual in any way might I add, this was a totally different sense of euphoria. It was a feeling of total understanding. A nudge in the back of my mind was that I must heal in order to grow into the goddess I am, and I must take my time to do this.

I feel very good. I put rosemary in my pillow case and have King Paimon’s sigil in there as well. I will have the comfiest dreams.

I poured myself a glass of passion fruit juice and filled a bowl with fresh blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, raspberries, and pineapple. This feels healthy and nourishing for me and I’m happy to eat this, and grateful that I am in a place where these things are accessible to me.

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I woke up at 7:40 AM feeling well rested and happy.

I had some dreams about King Paimon, something about Him asking me for a lot of blood from different people. Not too sure what that was about, because He doesn’t even really seem interested in even my blood when working with Him, so perhaps it is some kind of hidden message or just a weird element to my dream produced by my own mind. Unsure.

I’m getting the ring my boyfriend bought me in the mail today. It’s the Disney Treasures Winnie the Pooh citrine and black diamond ring and I can’t wait to get it. For us it’s special because “our game” is Kingdom Hearts and it’s a nudge to when you go to Winnie the Pooh’s world and help him out. Forget what it’s called. Something woods. So it’s very special to me and I can’t wait to have a ring to symbolize our love. Neither of us believe in marriage, but we like the symbolism of a ring. I’m so excited!!!

Today I’m going to research more on spells and write down some rituals in my journal for future reference so I don’t have to scout the internet every time I need to do something.

I want to buy Demons of Magick because everyone here mentions it and it’s been a while since I’ve bought a new book. I’m not sure what other books I’ll get, but I know Michael Ford is on my list. At some point I’ll have enough money to spend on EA’s books.

Today feels like an isolation and self care day. I’m going to clean my room/do laundry and then do the a cleanse and the Banishing Rite of the Dark Lord, and I feel the urge to invoke Asmodeus. I worked with his Aeshma aspect when I was in a really bad place mentally and he helped me get back on my feet and get back in touch with the warrior within.

I remember sitting and researching stuff and I suddenly said AESHA out loud. I scoured the internet trying to see who that was, and then he spoke through me, to correct me, AESHMA. I looked him up and was amazed that he was exactly who I needed to connect with.

I’ve never had an experience like that before or even to this day where another entity introduced themselves to me by making me say their name out loud all of a sudden, and I’d never heard of Aeshma before because I was a new practitioner.

He helped me a lot.

When I ever have doubts about the reality of all of what I do, I think back to that moment and become certain in all this once again. It’s just one of those incredible moments that confirm everything I do is legitimate.

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Not feeling very motivated, but I realize that if I were to sit and wait around for motivation to come, I’d actually never get anything fucking done. I just have to get up and fucking do it, perhaps the motivation will come later, perhaps not. It’s either do or don’t, and today I choose to Do.

It’s easy to get caught up in the victim mentality when you experience depression, because it’s safer and easier to fall back on “I have a chemical imbalance” than to get up and do the work, but that’s what made me dig a hole so fucking deep that I almost didn’t make it out, and I refuse to let that shit drag me back down.

  1. Shower
  2. Do laundry/clean room
  3. EXERCISE using this method
  1. Banishing Rite of the Dark Lord
  2. Meditate
  3. Nourish my mind and body with a healthy smoothie I’ll make with fresh fruit, kale, chia seeds, coconut oil, etc. (I read lady eva speak about consuming coconut oil and its benefits)
  4. I guess take another shower because I’ll be sweaty lol

I’ll try to go on a walk and connect with nature and perhaps swim in the pool

Today I’m doing shit motherfucker no more sitting around

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I ran around the neighborhood and sprinted when I got tired. I forgot how much I love running, and pushing through the pain like that makes me feel like I am on top of the world.

I made a juice of ginger, tumeric, lemon, one grapefruit, and one green apple.

I’ve been so caught up in trying to be happy that I began to lose touch with the darkness within. Somehow I got caught up in the concept of ‘balance’ which, for some reason, ended up with me ditching any anger or negativity and turning the other cheek and getting stomped on by other people. Is that balance? What the hell is that? Sounds more like giving in.

I suppose the pain just got too real and I needed to be on the complete other side and it was a good experience but it’s time to start getting fucking angry again.

I dulled all my feelings and let go of passion.

I’m bringing it back and I’m letting passion back in and it FEEEEEELS GOOOOOOD. I’m not afraid to feel and I’m not afraid of myself.

On my run there was a dead animal in the road and I’m not sure if it was I was influenced by Aeshma as I was giving my pain as an offering to Him, but the rotting smelled really good to me and I couldn’t help but take in deep Inhales of the sickly sweet smell. That’s a new one!

Today I feel like LEE IS BACK motherfucker

I promise I’m not manic lmao

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Making dinner for the family, gonna do some meditating when my boyfriend goes to the gym.

My ring came in! It looks beautiful.

I bought 20 gel capsules that are 12.5 cbd : 1 thc at the dispensary. I think it kicked in because I feel very mellow. It’s not enough to make you stoned, I just needed it for inflammation and sleep.

Dinner is bbq grilled chicken and a salad with herb marinated mushrooms, avocado, sliced peppers, medley of different colored tomatoes, and pecorino romano with olive oil & balsamic

Never noticed before but I think I’m super sensitive to the energy of Aeshma but perhaps it’s because it’s been a while since I’ve done that exercise :cat: what a great feeling, though! I felt so invigorated, as if I’d come out of a long slumber. I feel very in tune with my body, my emotions, and my physical health, and when I start to get anxiety over something I find that I am able to quickly talk myself out of it and remain calm and logical.

Big difference in how I feel, and I’ll definitely continue to get up early in the morning because I think it makes a big difference. I’m more productive and I sleep better, too.

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Gonna see if I can get out of going to this Thanksgiving party. I just don’t care for it. Id rather stay home to read and practice.

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Had a dream that I went to a strip club with Woody Harrelsen. The strip club was horror-themed and was also a haunted house, but then the strippers were trying to kill us. We ran away and then we were in the midst of an apocalypse and all these troops that would kill us started coming up from the hill.

Woody said we had to hide, so I got on his back and we hid by the water.

Then I guess the population had been almost eliminated completely on earth, so Woody and I started having sex to repopulate. Lmao. Pretty cool dream.

I’ll cross “fucking Woody Harrelsen” off my dream to-do list

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I have some pork chops with jerk seasoning marinating in the fridge that I’m going to throw on the grill later. I also made conch salad and a chickpea and feta salad that I made a few hours ahead so that it has time for the flavor to come together. Gonna serve everything with a side of jasmine rice with pigeon peas.

I was hoping that everyone would go on the boat so I could have the house to myself to do an invocation but everyone chose to stay home and go in the jacuuzi instead. Oh well.

I used to get angry when things like this would happen but I’ve learned to go with the flow recently.

We have some family over, anyway, and I’d like to spend time with them before they leave. I enjoy cooking for many people anyway.

I was thinking about how I offer my pain to Aeshma during exercise while picturing my ideal self, and started thinking about how I could possibly use that same concept with passion and Asmodeus. I don’t have a solid idea yet, it’s still just a concept in my mind, and I’m not too sure how I would do something like that. Perhaps when I formally introduce myself to him, he will tell me what I can do with it.

I’ve been the housewife today, which I enjoy. I marinated a filet mignon in worcestershire, and threw some basil, parsley, garlic, and olive oil in the food processor and slathered it all over top. I’ll cook that tomorrow, I’m thinking broiling will be the way to go.

One thing about me that seems to go against the idea of being your own God is that I love to serve my boyfriend constantly, such as retrieving him food and drinks all day. He doesn’t go get anything himself, because I do it for him. Other people don’t quite understand our relationship dynamic, but I don’t care.

I love to wait on him. I love to take care of him. It makes me feel empowered to have someone that I dote on. Without me here, he is a bit lost and probably will just not eat lol. The fact that he relies on me to take care of these things for him gives me this sense of power that aligns with the kind of goddess that I am. I am nurturing and motherly, and I love to love.

He takes care of me in his own way. I understand that he is not the type to dote on me, and that works for us. We have a special dynamic that serves the both of us well.

Maybe others don’t get it, but it’s not for them to get. It’s our own thing, and we’ve been a strong couple these last four years without it ever getting old or tiresome. We compliment each other and grow stronger each day.

I just felt the need to mention this because sometimes we try to mold ourselves into something that we are not to try and fit a certain image, but if something just works, it doesn’t matter how it may seem on the outside, so as long as it feels good on the inside.

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I must say that I truly admire and appreciate everyone on this site. I really feel at home here and I’m so glad I started on this path, not only because of how drastically my life has improved, but also because it has been such a joy getting to know everyone here.

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