THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
83

I’m awake at 6 AM which is not like me at all. Had another odd dream, fell back asleep, but then woke up with an urge to study. I couldn’t rationalize going back to sleep knowing how many more hours of my day I’ll have open for studying, meditation, and ritual of some kind.

A big part of me would like to go back to sleep, but that’s what naps are for.

Not sure why I’m so emotionally attached to sleeping.

Reading through my old posts in this thread makes me realize how much I’ve grown. I find myself disagreeing with the point of view and even the attitude and tone of the way I viewed the world around me and myself even just from a few months ago.

I can clearly see the instability – manic episodes in between major depressive episodes.

Id like to think I’m becoming more stable, that even when I have a few bad moments, that I don’t let it rule my day, but that I’m also not overly positive, either.

A post here challenged the concept of balance, and I’ve been thinking a lot about that.

I’ve always told myself that I need to have a healthy balance of all emotion, but what does that truly mean? Would that mean I cannot be ecstatic when presented good news, or that I cannot be deeply saddened by some bad news? How about that everyone has a different perception of what is going on around and within them, and not everyone processes their emotions the same.

How does one have a healthy balance of emotion?

I suppose I just want to be more reasonable and logical, to think before I react, to avoid letting hiccups in a day render me an anxious and frustrated mess, to be able to look a situation in the eye and take it on without having a panic attack, to stop running away from my problems, and to always do what is best for me before I help anyone else.

I shouldn’t be hyperanalyzing the way I feel, when it is the way I react that makes a difference. How will I handle this situation? What steps can I take to get my feelings under control?

I’ve come a very long way. I just need to keep at it, and also implement some new routines and practices into my life. I can’t expect to get better when there are certain things I know I’m not doing.

New goals:

Wake up early to free up time in my day to study and practice

Stick to an exercise routine to improve emotional, physical, and spiritual health

Focus less on just calories consumed and moreso on the nutrients derived from food

Swim daily

Go on more walks and connect with nature

84

I feel like a sponge for knowledge and keep having breakthrough after breakthrough during moments of introspection.

I feel incredible – I’m a bit tired, but all in all, I feel like I am really truly making progress without being insane about it. This focus and clarity I have is incredible. My determination has skyrocketed. My confidence is growing.

I know I keep saying that, but I’m pretty amazed by how I feel lately. I spent hours this morning studying different techniques for meditation and cleansing and rituals while jotting notes down, took a break to clean and eat, and now I’m swimming for some exercise. I also see it as a form of cleansing because I read about charging water in the sun, and my pool is out in direct sun, so I visualize cleansing energy while I swim.

Later I’ll do some void meditation and perhaps a petition spell to get a job.

85

I did a chakra balancing meditation and am now drinking some tea and chilling on the couch. No energy whatsoever for the petition spell I was thinking of doing – I’m absolutely wiped out from all the swimming and getting up at 6 (which I realized earlier was only 5 hours of sleep)

I’m going to get some good rest tomorrow. Id like to start my day by doing some strenuous exercise, then go on a walk and meditate in nature, come home and take a cleansing bath with water charged with crystals and the sun with some salt added, and do the elemental balancing I read in S Connolly’s book “A Beginners Guide to Demonolatry”

I’m trying to recharge after a solid week (or more???) of rituals and give myself the time to unpack what I learned as well as implement the advice I was given.

86

I’m sunbathing with my girl

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I’m going to stay home and do some pilates instead of leave to go to the gym. Not only do I not want to leave the house, but my joints don’t enjoy using machines anymore after so much overexercising and running. I’m much better off sticking to a pilates routine, especially because I think states are gonna get hit with another lockdown. It’s better to develop a routine that I won’t have to leave the house for.

I feel lazy and lethargic today, but I’m going to push through it and do what I have to do. If I give myself leniency, I abuse it and end up in a downward spiral. I must be tough on myself and come out stronger every day.

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87

I never ended up exercising, but I did do laundry and cook dinner for my entire family. I threw balsamic glazed eggplant, bell peppers, and new York strips on the grill with some homemade basil pesto and sauteed fresh green beans.

Afterwards I cleaned up and then took a cleansing bath with sea salt and I charged the water with amethyst and my Tibetan singing bowl. I lit some candles and turned the lights off.

Poured myself a cup of kava tea and did some visualization practice.

Then I did the Banishing Rite of the Dark Lord.

I feel very calm and at peace with myself and my day.

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88

I made jerk pork chops on the grill, boiled corn and rolled it in parmesan and threw that on the grill and also an arugula salad with strawberries, avocado, and chickpeas for the family

I’m going to take a shower and then have a cleansing spiritual bath and do the Banishing Rite of the dark lord. I’m kinda taking it easy today and relaxing.

89

Today I didn’t do much of anything. I tried to meditate, but there was so much happening in the house I couldn’t get myself to chill out.

I also got hit with a wave of sadness earlier which didn’t help my endeavors, but that is because I didn’t sleep well and I’m getting my period in a week. It’ll pass. I’m just grateful that I can recognize when I’m acting out of character and quickly figure out what the cause is. In the past, I would get anxiety and think I was losing it and slipping back into old behaviors and thoughts.

My boyfriend and I soaked in the jacuuzi and listened to Jane’s Addiction. We held hands and jumped in the deep end of the pool which was super freaking cold. We had a lot of fun.

I did do a petition spell today! My first one.

I won’t beat myself up for not meditating. I got over being sad and had a fun day and did a spell I’ve never done before. Sounds like a successful day to me!

90

I had a dream that my dad asked me to put all my altar stuff on one altar and I freaked out because I told him that Lucifer, Lilith, and King Paimon should have their own altars.

Then my dad disappeared and we were looking for him for six hours. I listened to my voicemail and it was from right before he disappeared, and he said he was reading through my journal and that I was working with energies that would hurt me and they aren’t who they say they are.

I was outside of a grocery store and was shown a sigil (?) That I could trace in the air over anyone and make them stop viewing demons in that way

Then I went to a vampire nightclub and was taking shots of this alcohol that was like absinthe but it was sparkly blue and made out of nightshade. I got a warning to avoid being attracted to one of them, to stay far away, or they would get to me. So I hid in the bathroom of the nightclub until my dream changed to another scene.

Pretty weird.

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91

One of the hardest things that I have to learn is how to stand up for myself. Growing up in an abusive household, a survival technique I developed is to be likable at all times, to be a people pleaser. I’ll put the needs of others before my own, and let them walk all over me.

How do I move past this? What steps must I take?

My core shakes when I try to be assertive, and I’m taken over by anxiety.

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92

Been feeling tired and unmotivated these last few days. I keep saying that I’ll work out, but then I don’t. I haven’t meditated for two days.

I really need to kick my ass into gear. This half assed bare minimum bullshit just isn’t going to cut it. Maybe I should go on a walk and clear my head and ground myself in nature.

I have high hopes for today. I’ll be able to pull it together. I just need to get out of the house.

93

This is going to sound a bit weird, but I just had a strong impulse to check out this thread because of the word ”mania“ in the title - long story, but it’s a strange synchronicity. I got a clear message from King Paimon to read the second to last comment (He was specific on that) where I found the quote above, and then it made sense to me why He said that: I have had a very hard time overcoming the same issue for years. I wanted to be liked and accepted, because for a long time, I wasn’t, and being constantly bullied and degraded really got to me on a deep level, much deeper that I wanted to admit. I worked a lot on this issue since making a pact with King Paimon, who has helped me confront aspects of myself I didn’t know I had.

If you are still struggling, I can only recommend that you work with a spirit (or spirits) who can encourage your warrior and strategist aspects, who will help you analyze your past behaviors and patterns so that you can gain clarity and develop self-respect despite the trauma you endured. Or even grow stronger because of it.

Another thing I’m being led to tell you: People who have been traumatized can sometimes display behaviors that are seen as lazy or unproductive by society. It’s normal for many people to have not-so productive phases, but when someone has had a lot of psychological stress to deal with, they can find it very difficult to get things done, not because they’re lazy, but because they need to recover. This isn’t me playing psychologist, I’m not qualified to give such advice, but I recognized something from my own personal life, and it was King Paimon who opened my eyes to the fact that I’ve been working through a lot of pain, even though I was convinced that I was just being lazy and needed a good kick in the butt. You might not be lazy, you just might need a bit more of a comfort zone to retreat into until you’ve healed, because it’s just been too much. I‘m not entirely sure if this makes sense to you, but somehow I was led to read this and respond, so maybe it is of some use.

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94

Thank you so much for replying with all of that. I really needed to hear that.

I am deeply traumatized and can be hard on myself, so I appreciate you reminding me that it isn’t laziness that I’m dealing with here.

King Paimon helped me through a lot of my issues and I actually asked him for a sign that he heard me talking to him a few days ago. Perhaps I should work on this issue with him.

Thank you again. It’s not easy working through these problems. I tend to beat myself up for feeling like I have no backbone and desperately want to blossom into the goddess I truly am, and for my actions to match the way I feel on the inside.

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95

I didn’t know you worked with Him, but now that you mentioned it - I think this could be a sign from Him. He urged me to reply to you, and now I know why (I normally stay out of people’s journal threads). In any case, I wish you all the best and I assure you that you WILL blossom. You already are all you want to be, you just need time to grow into it. :gem:

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96

That makes me so happy. I’m brewing Him a cup of cinnamon black tea with honey and milk as we speak.

Thank you so much, again. I truly appreciate you taking the time to lift me up like that. I’m super delighted that He had you come to my journal.

I respect and adore Him above all others.

You are the greatest :sparkling_heart:

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97

So today was great!

I went on a walk and grounded myself by a lake. I was wearing all black and the sun shine hard on me, so my mind went to “black absorbs the sun - darkness absorbs light - before light there was darkness”

I watched a crane (?) Try to catch a fish

I walked home and jumped in the pool. The cold water refreshed me and woke me up.

Took a shower, then soaked in the bath with the lights off. My mind had this idea of being cleansed by the darkness – not sure, I didn’t read anything about that, but I imagined the darkness purified and cleansed me.

Then I made some cinnamon tea with milk and honey for King Paimon. He wanted to drink it through me.

Then I made bbq sauce with teriyaki sauce, fish sauce, siracha, maple syrup, ketchup, and the juice/pulp of one super ripe mango. Doused some chicken thighs and legs in it and threw it on the grill. Served it with baked potatoes and brussel sprouts sauteed in the oil from a jar of sundried tomatoes because it was basically herb/tomato infused olive oil and super yummy. The family was happy.

I cleaned up and then played fetch with my dog. She tuckered herself out and is now fast asleep in my bed.

Today was a fun and awesome day :blush:

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98

We are going on the boat to an island today. I have my huge mason jar to collect ocean water and I’m looking forward to being cleansed and to have a good time :ocean:

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Couldn’t really collect ocean water because we were anchored by a bunch of other boats so the water was murky with gasoline and shit

I still swam in it like the filthy slut I am

I’m going to make King Paimon a cup of tea and take a shower and have some sleepytime tea

100

Had a dream that I was holding my dog, but then there was another dog who looked and acted just like her. I couldn’t tell who was who, but then the one who wasn’t actually her flashed her eyes yellow, so I banished her.

She came back and someone told me that she is trying to be relatable to me so that I’ll accept her as a familiar, so I did an incantation that would allow the familiar to show to me as a deer

As you are dear to me
So you will turn into a deer (lol)
As it is my will so it is done

So the spirit lept through the door and I thought the deer was about to show up but instead this extremely loud buzzing noise happened that like reverberated against the whole fucking earth and an angel flashed a bright gold three times and was huge

It scared the hell out of me

Then I was talking to a demon (I’m not sure who it was) but he looked like that alien God from the movie Gantzo

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He was mocking that I wanted to have sex with him like are you sure? You are too scared

I realized I was totally scared and ran away

Then all these women started crawling on me and I opened up to the idea and was like I’m not scared anymore and it was this crazy orgy thing with all the women and this demon lord

Man what a dream

101

In my dream, I remember being in total awe that all my practice finally led me to see these things as I was awake. I remember thinking YES! I KNEW I WAS DOING THIS FOR A REASON! I KNOW FOR SURE THAT THIS IS ALL REAL!

I was totally ecstatic despite being afraid

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102

Today I keep having Asmodeus’ name popping into my head. I searched his name here and read a story someone write about their experience evoking Him and felt really giddy and excited.

Thinking about Asmodeus now is sending shivers through my body, like warm waves flowing down my shoulders and back and through my chest. Kind of like butterflies, I guess.

Unsure if this is related to my dream or not, though I have been routinely having very sexual dreams. A lot more than usual. Every dream I had last night had a sexual element to it, all which was very forbidden and kinky.

I’m a very sexual person, but I’m sure there’s more to Asmodeus than that. I’ll have to do more research, but I have a sudden intense urge to contact Him.

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