THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

Journals, Group Rituals & Free Readings
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Last night wasn’t my greatest moment.

I ended up having all this anxiety while I was working. Someone said to me, “Apparently you aren’t learning” because I almost grabbed a plate that wasn’t on the ticket I was looking at, and as stupid as the whole situation is (because I’m sure many food runners - even experienced ones - have grabbed the wrong plate before) it just immediately made me feel like a huge dumbfuck. I second guessed myself for the rest of the night.

I came home in tears. It wasn’t over not being The Best Food Runner, it was because I couldn’t understand why I’m doing all this work and I still can’t be the person I know that I am. I feel this person who is confident – she makes other people nervous, people look up to her, she is a leader, and she does not have an anxiety attack just because someone was offhandedly rude to her – despite all the yoga, all the meditation, all the breathwork, all the studying, all the going out and doing things that make me scared, I still can’t be that fucking person.

I mean, how the fuck long will this take, honestly? Sure, I do feel a lot better as a person. I love myself, I have more energy, and I don’t absolutely freak out anymore. I suppose the generalized anxiety I have now is better than the panic attacks I used to have, and I know that I need to give myself some more credit and see that I have grown so much and that if I just continue what I’m doing I will get there, but fuck, man.

I’m frustrated.

I’ve thought about it before, and maybe it will be good for me to take up some kind of martial arts again. I’ll see if I can find some classes around me in the morning. I need a huge shift in my confidence that I’m not sure yoga or meditation can touch right now. Of course I will continue to do what I do, I will just add another practice to my daily routine.

If I can stop being afraid to show the aggression that I have inside of me, I can take on more leadership qualities, I can take more initiative and avoid second-guessing, which leads to fuck-ups and anxiety.

I will figure it out. I know that I constantly feel like I’m just someone who is in the way all the time because of the neglect I faced as a child, and PTSD is a very complex thing to overcome, but I have faith in myself.

I let myself cry in the shower because I knew it was good for me. If I don’t express that sadness and frustration within, I will just let it pile up until I lose my shit. Like I said before, I’m not trying to be positive all the time, that is not the goal. I just need my feelings to stop interrupting what I’m trying to do with my life, and I want to have an exciting and fulfilling life, not one of monotony.

However, I was considering getting a second job and wishing I could have more hours, and was actually asked by two people to cover their shifts, both on my days off. Amazing. I’m sure they just looked at the schedule and saw who was off and who wasn’t, but I’m really glad. I also pick up my paycheck and tips today (because I rushed out of the building to cry in the car on the way home and forgot to grab them yesterday).

The road towards self improvement is bumpy. It isn’t always going to be a steady incline, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not doing what is right for myself. Sadness is necessary. I need to reconsider myself and who I am and what I want, and you can’t grow if you run away from it. You need to gain new perspectives through the various emotions you go through as a person, or you won’t truly understand yourself enough to reach your goals and battle the aspects of yourself you want to change.

It’s very hard to escape, though, the feeling that everything that I struggle with and believe in is all in my head. I think a lot of magickians deal with solipsism from time to time. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way.

Anyway, at least Trent Reznor understands how I feel.

I hope everyone is well.

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Also, forgot to mention my dream.

I had a dream that I got into a fight with my MIL and I ran out of the house. It looked like I was in New York or something, and I went wandering down the street. Low and behold, I ran into Tom Cruise and his ex-wife playing with their kids in the middle of the road.

I decided I wouldn’t bother them, so I began walking past, but I looked back and was like holy fuck, I really want to meet Tom Cruise. I had a lot of anxiety about it, and I tried to go backwards, but I kept colliding with Katie Holmes. I felt like an idiot, because she was trying to play with her kids, and here I was, literally bumping into her and getting knocked off balance.

I decided to try and just get out of there and leave the situation, but I looked back again and was like okay I want to see Tom Cruise I’m going to try to avoid colliding into Katie Holmes again. Though I did smash into her fucking again, and when I finally made it to Tom Cruise… it wasn’t Tom Cruise.

I was talking to his publicist and he was asking me questions or something about how I felt about seeing them here today.

All of a sudden, everyone was gone. I missed my chance to meet Tom Cruise.

I was so caught up in the feeling of being a nuisance who was “in the way” (by, quite literally, being in the fucking way so much as to actually collide into Katie Holmes) that I couldn’t stop second-guessing myself and what I should do next enough to reach my goal of meeting Tom Cruise. Not only that, but I had all this fucking anxiety about bothering Tom Cruise… and it turns out, the dude wasn’t even Tom fucking Cruise!

I get so worked up over some bullshit and as soon as I face what I’m trying to face… it’s never what I think it is. It’s never really a big deal.

So why not just take the plunge and go for it. Stop worrying about being in the way so much. Fuck it. If I worry about being in the way, I will stand around like a moron and actually end up being in the way because of my second guessing. If I would have just b-lined straight to fucking Tom Cruise, I wouldn’t have almost knocked Katie Holmes to the ground over and over again.

Tonight at work, I will say fuck it and go introduce myself to Tom Cruise. (You know what I mean)

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I should jump to positive conclusions more often, as opposed to all the negative ones that like to torment me. Of course, everything works out the way that is best for me, as always.

Something happened that put me in a good mood. Like, a jumping up and down and laughing good kind of mood. I really started off my day sitting in an empty bathtub blaring Nine Inch Nails out of the Moxie showerhead speaker that I bought, drowning in self-pity and embarrassment. Really! I need to get a grip!

It will take a while to break the habit of feeling sorry for myself. Normally I can Matrix backflip over that pity party bullshit, but every once and a while I will wallow. I said that being positive all the time is not my goal and I enjoy all the feelings that human beings experience, but I am not using those feelings productively if it’s paired with self-doubt and defeat.

I need to overcome those feelings and grow through them, using them as a tool to advance myself further – not allow them to eat me up inside.

I had a conversation with Asmodeus about a few things that I am trying to accomplish. I burned him some Rose scented incense and presented to Him my dilemma. I asked for his advice on what he thinks I should do. I am not super in touch with my astral senses yet, but I did hear a low, rumbling laughter in my mind. I could hear Him calling me ‘child’ – “You must redirect your focus, child.”

He told me that by focusing too much on trying to be someone that others like, I have turned myself into their slave. A slave to their acceptance and a slave to who they think I am. I must know who I am, and set an example by not caring what they think, and simply work on improving myself. I must be more selfish, and everything will fall into place.

I believe he also tested me. He almost had me dedicate my sexual energy to Him, but then I said, “Why would I dedicate my sexual energy to you when I need it for what I am trying to accomplish?” I heard that low, rumbling laughter in my mind again, and, “You are asking the right questions. Very well.”

We worked out that I would build up my sexual energy, and once a week, call upon Him to help me harness that sexual energy while picturing my ideal self. So, rather than dedicate that energy to Him, He would simply help me raise and direct it more efficiently.

I also dedicated today’s yoga practice to Him – I explained that I wanted to do this because I view him as a Demon of Passion, and the physical pain I experience during yoga is an expression of my passion, and that I would dedicate that to Him, in honor of his essence and how this aspect of His personality has changed my view on life for the better. Afterwards, I thanked Him, and said that He may choose to stay or leave as He pleases.

I feel a lot better, and I am ready to face the day. I thought it was important to update this journal again. I’ll be back tomorrow.

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I couldn’t get to sleep easily last night again. I actually resorted to searching for sleep music on youtube, and picked one that appealed to me. It kind of helped.

There was an underlying sense of agitation that made me want to get up and move around. What is the cause of this burst of energy I get at bedtime? Should I utilize it for something? If so, what?

Today I am feeling a deep connection to the Sun. I always go outside and bask in it’s radiant light, and when I inhale, I feel/see myself taking in the energy of the Sun, and then I exhale either 1) All aspects of myself I want to change, or 2) The exhale is like fanning the flames of the Sun within me (It depends on how I am feeling in the moment)

Though on this day in particular, I want to go out and do a ritual that is centred around the Sun, and that’s all my mind can think about. Something about harnessing the sun’s power or becoming more like the sun… I don’t know, it’s a vague thought process right now. I’m not sure where this idea is coming from, whether its coming from within me or being shown to me somehow, but it’s there and I’m going to do some reading and go meditate outside to hopefully gain some insight.

I’m covering for someone again today. Last night I felt powerful and certain in everything that I did. I felt like I was running the show. During work, I definitely thought upon my conversation with Asmodeus and how He agreed to help me, and felt His essence influencing my actions and my spirit. Today I will thank Him for the boost.

I want to gather some items and make Him an altar that can be put away/put up with ease, since I do not have a lot of room. He was actually in a dream I had a while back where I was going to put up an altar for Him, but He had me put up an altar to honor myself instead.

I now have an altar dedicated to myself, and I sense that He wouldn’t want me to take that down for His sake – It would go against what He’s trying to instill in me right now. I will reserve self sacrifice to those most important, and avoid scrambling around to make others comfortable at the expense of myself, spirits included. It’s me first, and the rest will follow.

I’m going to cook breakfast for my boyfriend and then head into a yoga session. I realized that part of what made me inefficient at work is that I wasn’t eating enough prior to heading to my shift, and it became a bigger problem on days where I worked out for a long time. I will avoid making that mistake again.

So: Build an altar for Asmodeus and work more with the Sun, see how to further connect to that energy and become it myself.

I’ll report back later.

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I did a 40 minute strength yoga routine, and then made a salad with baby kale, baby spinach, broccoli sprouts, raw sauerkraut, chopped green apple, raw pecans, and seared ahi tuna. It filled me up and gave me some much needed energy.

Afterwards, I went out into the sun and chanted the mesh ka mantra while ringing my tibetan singing bowl. I also practiced vibrating my voice with ‘ohm’ along with the ring of the bowl. I did the alternating nostril breathing exercise, then a few rounds of taking deep inhales, vacuuming in the stomach to draw energy up from the perineum to the top of my head (like sucking fluid through a straw and my body is a juice box if you can imagine that) while rolling my eyes back and holding my breath for a few counts, then exhaling and relaxing into the energy that builds up. I don’t recall if there is a name for that, though I’m sure there is.

I visualized the shield that surrounds me, and how it is not solid. It is kinda bouncy and fluid almost, and I drew in the Sun’s essence into myself. I visualized someone at work being negative towards me, but that negativity is absorbed by my shield and retaliates with a blinding beam of pure solar energy, causing them to flinch away and cower against it. I also saw that it would be warm and welcoming for those who I allow, and can be used to dissolve their negativity and beam back at them the Sun’s comforting glow. (Inspired by the following reply to a post)

During Shavasana earlier I was thinking about my connection with King Paimon. I could see him in my mind’s eye telling me that He wants me to focus all my attention on working with Asmodeus, and that I became too attached to Him.

King Paimon was there for me from the very beginning and it is safe to say that I latched onto Him with an intensity that I’ve not experienced with any other spirit, but that it was beginning to hold me back from growing as a person. It’s not to say that I won’t be working with Him any longer, but that I should take a step back and understand that I am not the same person that I was when I first called upon Him, and that there is no need to remain latched onto Him as if He were my parent. It’s time for more independence, and to feel free to focus on what Asmodeus and I are doing with my current situation.

I felt relief wash over me during this moment, and a weight lifted off my shoulders. I saw my ideal self, and I saw Asmodeus there beside me. All good things.

I’m going to work now. I hope everyone is well.

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I was actually able to get to sleep last night! My body kept me in bed until 11 AM because I definitely needed the rest. I did a lot of grocery shopping so I wasn’t able to do any yoga before work, but I did get my hands on some stuff I’ve wanted for a while!

I bought some all natural aluminum-free deoderant, fluoride-free toothpaste, all natural clove cinnamon mouthwash with tea tree oil, and a healthy coffee creamer alternative that has collagen and amino acids in it, so it’s more of a supplement. Also got more sprouts, raw unsweetened macadamia nut milk, bragg’s apple cider vinegar ‘with mother’, an unsweetened cashew milk yogurt alternative, and some organic dates to replace the chocolate I normally eat at night.

Right now I’m munching on a spinach and sprouts salad with tomatoes, avocado, and pan seared mahi. I also devoured a little bit of steamed crab meat that was readily available to me when I first got home.

I’m going to do a bedtime yoga routine later when my bf gets home. For now I’ll kick back with some decaf coffee and try out my new collagen coffee creamer :slight_smile: It was a good day.

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Woke up this morning and had a cup of coffee with the bovine collagen & amino acids supplement creamer. I discovered that I can reduce my caffeine intake by using this because it makes me go to the bathroom after one cup. I’m pretty glad – this means I’ll have less anxiety and can avoid crashing too hard (if I make sure to eat the right foods/stay hydrated throughout the day before work)

The rest of my family is off at a resort. I’m here with my boyfriend so we have the house all to ourselves.

I juiced a ginger and tumeric shot with pineapple for us to sip on after our coffee. I just made myself a juice with cucumber, celery, carrots, baby kale, rainbow chard, and mint. Currently going through all my favorite music from when I was a kid obsessed with JROCK. In particular, this song:

Of course, because he’s fucking beautiful.

I’m thinking that today I will do a strong yoga session and then meditate out in the sun doing the exercise I did the other day.

I realized that I was putting too much salt on my food at night through blackening seasoning on the mahi (and the dijon I put on aswell) so I swelled up and got a headache this morning. The juices have been remedying that side effect, and the yoga will help as well.

My sex drive died down a tad after using orgasm to manifest my desires the other day, but has come back with a vengeance. The difference I am noticing is that before I felt that I was being consumed by my overwhelming desires, and now I feel a unique sense of power through it. I feel like it can drive me closer to my goals rather than become my downfall, and that makes this feeling all the more enjoyable.

I had a dream that my boyfriend and I were on our road trip, and we were driving over these rocks that were in the ocean. As soon as we were about to turn around this huge mountain that grew from under the ocean, we woke up in bed and were going to disney world. He said, what the fuck? Do you realize that we already left and we are in a dream? So we ended up going back to the same dream before where we were driving over the rocks, and I kept saying, “We will remember. We Will REMEMBER!” to avoid getting launched back into the dream of us waking up, but then it caused that dream to glitch out and send us into the ocean. I remember grabbing his shoulder out of fear, and then I woke up.

It was a deeply unsettling dream for me. Something about it just freaked me the fuck out.

I have been having these sorts of dreams a lot, though, and I think that means I’m getting closer to becoming lucid. I want to work more with my dreams so I’ll by a few books that I saw recommended around here.

I sunbathed with my dog for a little while in the front yard. The weather is beautiful. Life feels great today. I feel powerful, beautiful, smart, and strong.

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Wow! My stomach is wrekd beyond repair. It’s safe to say I won’t be using the bovine collagen coffee creamer anymore. It’s probably the fact that it’s a coconut product as well. I honestly couldn’t get over the fact that the ingredients listed “collagen from bovine hide” and as I was drinking my coffee, I was like, this is… some bovine shit, man. I’m drinking bovine coffee! Not a whole lot bothers me consumption wise, I’ll eat pretty much anything if you tell me it’s healthy but… hard pass on this one.

It also didn’t taste very good. One of my favorite things to look forward to is my morning coffee because it’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself the use of coffee creamer. I struggled with an eating disorder for a good portion of my life (eight years) and I didn’t let myself have anything other than black coffee or plain tea.

I’m not about to torture myself over coffee. I did by some almond milk sweet creme coffee creamer, and despite the fact that there is sugar in it, it’s still not dairy nor does it have carrageenan which is the main thing I was trying to avoid because of it’s relation to inflammation, bloating, bowel issues, etc. It’s also suggested that there isn’t a huge difference between the ‘food grade’ and carcinogenic version of carrageenan.

Eventually I’ll just learn how to make my own coffee creamer using all natural and safe ingredients, which I’ll do for everything else as well, but for now, a little sugar is going to be okay.

There is always an undertone of sadness behind days as perfect as this. A carefree day in Florida where it’s bright and sunny. I am so glad to be here and to go out and have a good time, but it gives me the same feeling I had as a kid. I think about my family and how everyone is completely different. I’m not talking to my mom right now, and I feel guilty for it, but I know it’s what is best for me.

Days like this are better appreciated and enjoyed when there is a tinge of sadness, in my opinion. It makes me more aware and present.

Today seems like a good day for a long yin yoga session. All the standing around at work has my legs feeling super tight, and I want to feel limber and light on this beautiful day off.

I will also do my sun meditation that I mentioned a few days ago.

Last night at work I felt really drained and unaware of my surroundings. I’m not entirely sure why I felt so ‘off’ – though it could be related to the fact that I masturbated before work. I tried to rationalize it by giving some attempt at visualization and using orgasm to release it into the universe, but I know that my true primary intent was that I was horny and wanted to obsess over a daydream. I’m human, man, and I have a ridiculous sex drive. I’m working on it.

I had to be honest here and be honest with myself. It’s not much of a journal if I only report what I’m proud of accomplishing. I have to include it all, or I won’t see true progress when I look back on it.

I’m honestly still figuring shit out, and wondering if I should forego orgasm altogether and simply let it build, but what would signify that I’m releasing my intent into the universe? I’m not really sure. If anyone has any suggestions let me know, or even any reading material/books I can purchase so that I can have the knowledge to apply more focus to what I’m attempting to do.

I am planning on buying Demons of the Flesh by Nicholas & Zeena Schreck, Adventures in Sex Magick by Damon Brand, and The Angels of Alchemy by Damon Brand. Those seem like good books to start with for what I’m doing with my life right now. Also probably 72 Angels of Magick. It’s hard to figure which book I should start with because he has a few on angels.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well. I’ll probably be back later.

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If I may offer an opinion, I would skip this one, and go with Jason Miller’s Sex, Sorcery, and Spirit, instead. Demons of the Flesh did not live up to its promise, in my experience.

I would start with Archangels of Magick before 72 Angels.

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Thank you for the help! I’ll get that one instead and definitely skip Demons of the Flesh.

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Yesterday I had a lot of fun, though I completely fucked up my back. The whole left side of my back is swollen, but I tested out doing certain yoga poses that use the back muscles a lot and it didn’t hurt so I’m not really sure what exactly I injured, but at least I can still practice yoga as long as I take it easy. Certain movements hurt, like leaning to the right or twisting my torso, so I’ll avoid doing that type of shit.

I started practicing on the bass guitar. I have no concept of musical instruments and always refused to learn about notes when I was in school because they confused me, so I’m going into this completely new. I am going to learn something new every day, practice memorizing the notes, and do finger exercises.

I needed a new way to express myself and enjoy my time – I realized that I don’t have any true hobbies. Sure, I do yoga and meditate and etc. but there’s nothing that I do where I just kick back and have fun, aside from video games.

Plus, I’ve always loved bass, so why not learn it?

I’m thinking I may just practice that and skip yoga for today. I don’t want to accidentally fuck my back up any more, so I’ll sleep on it and see how it feels tomorrow. I will meditate in the sun, though.

Today will be pretty uneventful.

I couldn’t make a bank account because apparently I owe money from 2019… I’m not sure how they didn’t catch that when I made an account in 2020 so… not sure… but I have to wait until I get my next paycheck to pay it off and start new again. At least I have the means to pay for it – I’m happy to do it, simply because I can. I was pretty pissed off at first, but had to change my thinking around to avoid falling into a pity party. A lot of people cannot afford shit surprising them like that, and I can, so there’s nothing to get upset about.

I’ve been battling a laziness and complete lack of motivation to clean my surroundings, so I really need to get on that soon before I start slacking on everything else in my life. It starts with the laundry piling up, and ends with me snorting cocaine off a strippers asshole. Things can go downhill fast as fuck for me because it’s happened before, so I need to remember that when I say “I’ll clean tomorrow”.

Nothing much else to talk about honestly. Maybe I’ll be back later, but definitely tomorrow. I hope everyone is well.

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Last night I fell asleep to this:

The meditation and exercises he has you do in the beginning really helped me to relax and fall asleep. He had me do that method where you tense every muscle in your body until it’s uncomfortable, push slightly past that point, and then relax into the bed and let yourself go. That shit helps so much when you can’t sleep.

I made myself sleep on my back last night (because of my back injury but also because I don’t want to wake up with a puffy face anymore) and I wore a sleep mask. I actually had some of the best sleep of my life.

I had a dream that I was in this huge cabin. There were these symbols carved into the ground with my blood everywhere to empower some ritual working. Hanging from the cieling was this… creature… that was a combination of a horrible human transmutation gone wrong (from fullmetal alchemist) and God from Silent Hill Three. It was massive, and it had these decorative chimes hung all over it and draped over it’s head. It just made these high pitched groans. In my dream, it is some sort of disfigured God. I asked someone what it was, and they said

“It’s you.”

I just wanted to leave. It scared me.

I woke up fucking dumbfounded. That dream made me feel some kind of crazy way. I can’t explain it, and I wish I had a picture of it. I’m quite disturbed this morning. There’s something about it that makes me really think.

In another part of my dream, my mind changed my back injury into a hand injury and my fingers were horribly deformed. I was trying to put ice on them. My manager was trying to help, who kept morphing into my dad.

Anyway…

I’m still not going to do yoga today. My back swelling has gone down substantially. I bought that 12.5 cbd:1 thc oil I mentioned taking before and I took some before work and before bed to help the inflammation.

Honestly, maybe I was just having an anxiety attack in general that one day, because I had the most pleasant work experience of my entire life when that shit kicked in at work. I had a blast.

I’m making ginger tumeric shots this morning accompanied by shots of lemon juice. I’ll practice bass guitar for a while, and perhaps take a bath. Not sure yet.

I feel incredible after last nights sleep. I can’t believe I forgot about my man Brian Scott. He has a great channel.

I’ll be back later. I’m still drinking coffee, so my day hasn’t even started.

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I keep seeing lizards everywhere. Of course that’s not a rare sight at all living in South Florida, but I feel as if they are looking at me and coming to me. I see them and I just can’t help but stare and think about them. I opened up my blinds and there was a lizard, so I pressed my face against the glass and looked into its eyes.

I also keep reading about/seeing condors.

My dreams have progressively gotten more and more fucked up – like, absolute mindfucks, I wake up in a sweat and can’t stop thinking about them.

I also came back to mention that I was pretty irritated that I couldn’t do yoga for a few days, but I realized through this injury that I haven’t stayed true to the reason I started yoga in the first place. It began as a way to compliment my spiritual practices, and turned into, “I want to do handstands and have abs”.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having those goals. Of course I want to be an impressive and beautiful human being, who doesn’t? There’s no way I’m going to try and rid myself of those desires because there’s nothing wrong with having them – but I strayed too far from my goals by focusing solely on the superficial. I have to have both, not one or the other. Another example of how black and white I can be, and how I will go from one extreme to the next. I must learn to have both.

I also need to learn how to enjoy times of relaxation and stop stressing out so hard about doing all this stuff to improve myself and my life. Piling more shit onto my day isn’t going to make progress go by any faster, and I need to enjoy the ride rather than remain here in this “waiting for something better” state of mind. Right now, life is wonderful.

Lately, when the wind blows, I feel that it blows for me. When the sun peaks out from behind the clouds, I feel that it is shining for me, and when the moon glows in the night sky, I feel that it illuminates the world for me. I feel like the center of the universe in the way that I am completely one with all, and all is me & vice versa.

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King Paimon is cool, KP giving up the funk!

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Yesterday I buckled underneath the power of BBQ ribs and ended the night with a peanut butter jelly sandwich on some thick italian white bread. Of course I woke up with a swollen face, but I won’t be hard on myself. Those days of cringing at the mirror in self-loathing are over.

I went to the race track yesterday with my bf to watch the funny cars. We had a lot of fun. I’ve never been to one before and the sound of the engine and the vibration almost knocked me back. It reminded me of the seven angels who blow their trumpets to signify the end of times.

I saw a bird that appeared to have hurt it’s wing. It was flying around and falling on the ground. I felt like it was some kind of sign. Anyway, it got my attention and made me feel some kind of way.

My boyfriend is sick, so I’ve been taking care of him. We need to find some better homeopathic solutions to help him feel better. I’ll be more prepared next time, since I have the money. I’ll slowly build an arsenal of homeopathic remedies for any ailment and never have to resort to using traditional medicine ever again. Well, that’s the plan.

I’m pumping him full of ginger and turmeric shots, I’m juicing lemons and mixing cayenne into it, I’m feeding him elderberry and have taken his beloved milk away from him as much as I can manage to, I’m having him inhale steam and do chest percussions while jumping. I’ll get him into the bath at some point today and get him to sit beneath the sun for some vitamin d. I’m gonna go to the store to get soup and the stuff needed to make castor oil packs I can put on his chest.

It’s always a learning experience when dealing with sickness face to face. Eventually I will be an expert and will have the best solutions possible.

This is probably going to be my last day of not doing yoga. My back is almost better, and I’m very excited to get back into my daily routine. This break was much needed, though.

Today is a Skyrim kind of day. I’ll be in my cave.

Forgot to mention – Asmodeus has helped me tremendously. I thought perhaps my sexual energy died down, but it didn’t – it’s just being applied now, so of course I’m not running around like a horny lunatic. I feel in control of my sexuality, which has given me a kind of power I’ve never experienced before. He has peeled away the surface level of my desire and shown me what I truly seek.

I want to build Him an altar that is truly special and unique. I’m thinking that it will be hung on the wall. It’s going to require some thought and lots of searching for items that radiate his energy.

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Man, sometimes other people just baffle me.

Of course, I’m still working on remaining unbothered by the reactions and behavior of other people. It can be hard sometimes. I do feel that I’ve gotten a lot better as my confidence has increased, but the remaining struggle is related to trauma.

Being likable and agreeable at all times was how I survived my day to day life, and was the only way I could have my needs met as a child. It’s hard to shake off from time to time.

I do feel myself shedding that mindset, though. The way I remain calm at work is something I’ve never experienced from myself before, and I’m always amazed with my composure. I used to cry at the slightest change in tone from others, and was always afraid of doing the wrong thing.

I’m so glad that I am becoming more like myself every day.

This is my final day of rest before I’m back again doing yoga and pushing my body and mind. I’m excited to get back on track and kick some ass.

I need to practice bass guitar today. I didn’t play these last few days. Its a new habit I’m trying to develop so it may be spotty at first but soon I won’t be able to go a day without playing it at least a little bit.

I’m excited to see how much more money I made since I covered on the busiest days for both of my days off. Payday is Thursday and I can pay off my debt to the bank and still have money for a decent start.

I feel calm.

I started taking a holy basil and ashwaganda supplement. Not sure if it’s helping but it can’t hurt to try.

I hope everyone is well.

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It’s Monday, the start of a new week. I have been wanting to begin a fast, and I have decided that today is day one. Technically my fast began throughout the night, but I’m not counting hours, just days.

Though I do wonder if counting hours will be more motivating – like, wow, I have one hour left until I have fasted for 17 hours! As opposed to, damn when will today be over so I can tackle day two…

Alright, I’m counting hours, bitchez

It’s been 9 hours so far.

The only thing I’m allowing myself is coffee because I’m not trying to have a mental breakdown this week. That will have to be a whole thing – I’ll buy high quality probiotics, digestive enzymes, panax ginseng, and some aloe vera supplements. I rely on coffee to go to the bathroom, so it won’t be as simple as just quitting. It will be a whole transitional process for my body to stop relying on the laxative effects of coffee and to tackle the root cause of my problems, which are all related to the gut flora I’m sure.

I would like to incorporate less solid foods in my diet, and intermittent fast every day. I can break the fast around 12 with a vegan protein shake so that I don’t get so bloated.

I’m grateful that my body is so sensitive to food because it forces me to take extra care of my health and nutrition. Most people just go on through their lives malnourished and damaged from processed garbage and don’t see the effects until they are in their 40s.

It will be nice to have a few days where I don’t need to stress out about what I’m going to eat. It will also reduce my inflammation.

I can take this time to map out a detailed food regimen. I will make sure I’m getting all the nutrients that I need, and figure out what I can supplement with to fill in the gaps. I’ll buy what I need and food prep every week so that I don’t need to scramble around. I also need a mini fridge so no one unknowingly takes my food.

Since food is expensive, I’ll probably need a good quality multivitamin, a vegan protein powder, and a supplement powder of all the greens and algae and stuff I need.

It’s definitely something that takes a lot of planning and sorting out. I want to be the best version of myself. Changing my lifestyle is what got me out of my own personal hell, and is now the most important thing to me. I cant transform into the person I know that I am if I don’t fuel my body and my mind properly. I have to be working at full capacity.

It’s a beautiful crisp and cool day in Florida. We left the window open as we slept, which Floridians can rarely do. It was refreshing to wake up to a cool breeze and the sound of palm tree fronds bristling against each other in the wind.

I’m going to research ways to get promoted using magick. I want to move up to a server position at some point, and it helps that I am beautiful and young, but old enough to serve alcohol.

I’m thinking of a honey jar on my boss, and using the mind control technique posted on this forum in where I see my manager asking me if I can start waiting on tables.

I have been doing a really good job food running, and when I give customers their food I try to crack a few jokes and be as charismatic as I can in the short amount of time I’m communicating with them. I want my higher ups to see how much people like me.

After I get really good at serving at this place, I’ll move on up to working at the waldorf astoria resort to make real money, and then I can afford all the education and training I desire.

Life good. Hope everyone is well. I love u all

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Well, I gave up on another fast.

Every time I try, that obsessive, self-destructive mindset comes creeping back to me. No, I cannot risk myself going back to the old comforts of an eating disorder.

Whenever I have been in times of stress, I would begin restricting. It gave me a false sense of power, control, and success. It was comforting, despite how horrible and agonizing. Comforting because I felt it was always there for me.

I don’t see myself as a failure for not following through with another fast that I mentioned attempting in this journal. I consider it a great success that I am aware of where I am at, and can avoid engaging in activities that are not good for my mental wellbeing.

I wonder how long it will take for me to tackle this one. It has become so ingrained into my daily life and constantly sneaks up on me.

I know that it has gotten easier since I began doing yoga. I have seen my body change without restricting, and have proven to myself that eating a normal, healthy amount of food is okay.

Perhaps it will just take time.

Last night at work was great. I’m definitely proving myself to be a phenomenal worker. I’m also avoiding working too hard, because I don’t want that to be just what is expected of me. I must be able to show improvement upon being promoted. I am merely trying to advertise my potential here.

I’m going to talk to this dude who can stack plates up to his shoulder and see if I can get his help. He’s notoriously an asshole, but it can’t hurt to try. If he says no, then whatever. I’ll figure that shit out.

I have to go buy some food today. Just enough for a few days until I get paid. I also need to catch up on all my responsibilities (laundry, dusting, etc)

I can finally do yoga!!! I’m pumped. Today will be great.

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Lmao

Honestly today just sucked a big fat nutsack

Hope everyone is well

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Well, ever since I hurt my back, I have not been doing anything that I normally do. I haven’t been going outside with my dog, I haven’t been doing yoga, I haven’t been meditating, I haven’t been keeping up with laundry, etc.

I’ve literally just been playing the sims from the time I get up to the time I have to leave for work, and then hopping back on as soon as I get home.

Have I enjoyed myself? Yep. This shit has been great.

It’s time to get back on track, though. I’m almost at that critical point where things can start to really go downhill for me if I don’t stop indulging.

I do realize that I get weird like this a week-week and a half before my period, which I got today. That should produce some action in me. I am my most inspired and motivated when I’m on my moon cycle.

Let’s see how today goes. I’m beginning to come out of this slump I’ve been in. I can feel the negativity dissipate.

A cleanse is definitely in order.

By Wednesday I’ll have worked nine days in a row, so Thursday and Friday will be my healing and self care days.

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