THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

I mentioned previously in this journal how I’ve been dealing with a surplus of sexual energy lately that is apparently insatiable, extremely frustrating, and increasingly obsessive. I have been doing some reading, and was inspired to only use my sexual energy with my partner or for magickal use.

I noticed that I was running around the house with a fuckload of inspiration and motivation, but then as soon as I masturbated, I deflated, basically. My mind was not as sharp – I felt foggy, tired, and unmotivated. I even felt a little depressed because I took myself from one extreme to another, and wished that I could go back to that previous state of elation and energy.

So it’s been like two days, and I’m trying to apply my sexual energy towards meeting my various goals. Sex is also more enjoyable, but I avoid having an orgasm because I’m trying to let the energy continue to build.

I have not really read much about sex magick. I have employed orgasm with visualization techniques during meditation and ritual, and I’m not sure if that is what sex magick is or what, but it was always successful for me even with daily masturbation, so I wonder what I can accomplish by using this energy over a longer period of time and for everything I can think of using it for.

I feel good, but in an aggressive and chaotic kind of way. I also look in the mirror and notice that I find myself more alluring, and my eyes look more alive.

My confidence is continuing to build, and my strength (mental & physical) is increasing as well.

While I have decided to stop watching porn, I am still reading erotic fiction, because I think that’s a totally different thing.

Pretty soon I am going to do some yoga, and then wear a pretty long flowy dress and go on a walk. It’s hot outside so it will feel nice to wear something loose and to be free from pants. I’ll do some grounding and meditation.

I’m going to sear myself some rare tuna and eat the other half of my avocado I saved with some sprouts on top. I think a light meal before yoga will be better than waiting to eat afterwards and losing all motivation to leave the house.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well. I’ll report back with any new feelings or improvements.

1 Like

I haven’t been able to sleep for these last few days. It’s been a long time since I’ve had this problem.

Perhaps my body and mind is having a hard time adjusting to this new increase in energy. I’m sure it was much easier to fall asleep when, by the end of the day, my mind would be blank from the day of activities. I’m working on a whole new level, and it may take a little while for me to be able to sleep normally again.

I’ll try to find a bedtime yoga video and a relaxing breathing exercise to do before bed, and maybe get some lavender essential oil spray to spritz on my pillow. I need to buy some more books so that I can avoid reading material online right before bed, and whip out my sleeping mask when its time to close my eyes.

I’m looking into getting a valerian root extract to take before bed, because even when I was sleeping well, I still would wake up frequently throughout the night and I really want my mind to be working at full capacity here.

There is an undertone of melancholy to my day. Perhaps another side effect of the no masturbation no porn thing – but my motivation and energy is overpowering that feeling, so it’s not a big deal. It’s a comforting kind of sadness – a reminder of where I came from, who I used to be, and who I have become. It’s not necessary to let go of every other feeling that isn’t happiness. Happiness comes in spurts, as do all emotions.

I’m excited to do yoga (which I am dressed and ready for as soon as I’m done writing here) and I’m excited to get ready to go to work. I enjoy it there, and I do a good job. Tomorrow is payday, so I can make a bank account and feel closer to my saving goals. We may not be able to reach the goal of storing $500/month each right now, but I know we will get more work and more money making opportunities to make that happen. I’m not worried about it.

I better get started with my day. I still have meditation and breathwork to do after this.

I hope everyone is well.

1 Like