THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

[mrbungle]

I have woken up pretty tired. I had a difficult time getting to sleep last night because I was really pumped up after work. I have pretty much memorized all of the tables (the bar seats will need a few more days) and I actually stacked plates of food on my right arm and held a plate in my left hand which I brought over to a table, and I was really excited that I did that without dropping anything.

I finally felt that I wasn’t just helplessly standing around waiting for instruction – I ran from table to table with plates in hand and I felt that I helped everyone have an easier night.

This made me realize that the reason why the chef’s rude comments towards me upset me so badly is because it validated the insecurities I was having due to being new and not understanding much of what was going on around me. With my newfound confidence in my job performance, I find that stupid comments just don’t affect me anymore. I am secure in the knowledge that I am doing what I need to be doing, and offhand remarks like that are no longer echoing the negativity going on inside of my own head.

Honestly, not much else is important enough to report. I had a good revelation and I’m killing it at work, like I knew I would.

I’ll be back tomorrow.

[mrbungle]

Silent Hill 2 ost (full album)

…Mary?

[mrbungle]

I made a critical fucking mistake on this day.

I forgot to take my cbd (which is 12.5 cbd : 1 thc) this morning, so I took it closer towards work. I’m not sure why this day in particular, but that shit ACTIVATED and rendered me nearly useless for this shift. What the fuck??? This bitch could barely ladle soup into a bowl. I’m so glad that I’m home now.

I hadn’t really noticed it affecting me like that before, but I guess it’s because I was already just chilling and hanging out. I thought I would have developed more of a tolerance after a few days of taking it but I guess not. I wonder if it has anything to do with my diet? Who knows.

Oh well, dude, fuckin whatever I got my first paycheck today and I got my tips so fuck yes. My bf and I are going to do an hour long couples hot stone massage for our anniversary.

My diet and exercise routine has my skin looking really, really good. I’m getting toned and my hair is shiny. I’m not suffering from allergies as much as I normally would be, I’ve been getting good quality sleep, all of the pain in my body is gone, I rarely get headaches, cuts/bruises/the rare pimple heals so much faster, my hair falls out less, I have more energy… the benefits continue to pile up.

I feel so confident with my body and my appearance.

Despite being incapable of functioning properly at work, I still had a good day. Had a few good laughs and the chef who is kind of a dick was very nice to me today. I wonder if he just doesn’t understand how he comes across to other people.

For todays food, I had some Dave’s Killer Bread or whatever its called that good sprouted bread shit and I slathered some hummus on both slices and slapped a huge wad of living alfalfa sprouts in the middle. Boom. Sprouts sandwich. It was delicious.

Later I had four over easy eggs with … a shitload of broccoli sprouts on top. Hell yeah. And some coconut milk yogurt alternative biyatchhhhhhhhhhhh I also had some of that hibiscus tea with chia seeds and ashwaganda. Today was a good food day. I just had a cup of decaf coffee… don’t fucking judge me it’s 11 PM and I just wanted to taste some coffee on this night

I have two days off in a row, so I will be resting and cleaning.

[mrbungle]

I had a fantastic sleep last night and I woke up feeling well rested and ready to start the day. I had a few cups of coffee, and then took a shower.

My boyfriend bought me fucking SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS: ATTACK ON BIKINI BOTTOM HAHAHaaaaaaaa I was so obsessed with this game when I was younger. I played a bit of that and then turned it off and made myself a salad with baby arugula, baby kale, living broccoli sprouts, coconut oil, and some scrambled eggs.

I had a tumeric and ginger shot with my MIL and then munched on a few pieces of pineapple to get that sweet sweet bromelain.

I cleaned out the kitchen pantry, folded all my clean clothes, and am now doing a load of towels.

I’m feeling good today. I’m very relaxed and carefree. Nothing is getting under my skin. Yesterday I did do a cleanse with sage and today I threw some rosemary in my salad with intent to cleanse me as well, so I’m feeling very light and clear, spiritually and mentally.

We ordered groceries from Sprouts today so we have all this organic food now. After talking to my MIL about how I’m going to study in holistic nutrition she has been open to learning new things about health and nutrition. She takes me seriously now, and I appreciate it. I genuinely just want her to be healthy because she always talks about how she feels sick or in pain.

I’m going to work on organizing and cleaning some more. Soon I will do some yoga and meditation.

Tomorrow my bf and I are going to go make me a bank account, and then he’s going to take me to the mall and buy me some stuff from Lush. Afterwards we are going to go to our full body deep tissue hot stone massages.

I’m grateful to have these days of rest to catch up on some cleaning and to celebrate my bf and I’s anniversary. I’ll go back to work feeling refreshed and recharged.

My life continues to improve day by day.

Hope everyone is well.

[mrbungle]

Last night I endured a massage that felt more like I paid a man to torture me. He wouldn’t stop talking, he massaged my head so hard that it felt like he was ripping my hair out and trying to shape my head as if he were working with playdough, he questioned my self harm scars, told me I should cut a mole off, etc.

He was a nice guy, but I don’t think he was a licensed massage therapist. I’ve had many good massages and it felt like he was just doing what he’s seen his employees do, and stepped in due to a shortage of people working at the time.

I was pretty mad about it because having a bad massage was not a part of my plan. I had this whole idea about having a great massage as an end to the great day, and I was quite upset.

I realized that I was being a little ridiculous – not everything in life is going to go as planned. I need to learn how to be okay with that.

The main thing that turned my attitude around was the realization that I could only be mad at myself for not having the balls to tell him to stop what he was doing and request that I come back another day to get the woman who normally does my massages. I thought about it, but I didn’t actually speak up. I endured that shit because I was too afraid that I would hurt his feelings, and I have this need for everyone to like me. I will go out of my way to make sure others are accommodated before I ever am, even if it is at the expense of my happiness and comfort.

I have no worries that I will change this about myself. I used to do errands for people that weren’t even my personal friends, and now I require that they just give me money for my time. Fuck it. I’m not afraid to demand that anymore. I have shit to do that doesn’t involve changing my entire schedule for free.

I will get to the point where, If I pay for something and I feel that I’m not getting what I’m paying for, that I will stop them politely and request someone else.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that I am happy. If someone gets upset, that is on them.

I will respect myself more from here on out.

Anyway, I woke up at 8 AM today. I smell really good because I’m doused in the lotion my bf got me from Lush, and I’m wearing my Pusheen pajama set with Pusheen socks so… I can’t imagine life could get any better.

I have all this time to do yoga, meditate, and maybe even take a bath or something. I’ve almost finished Merrick, and I would like to read another Anne Rice book ASAP.

To all you people out there, I highly recommend the book Memnoch the Devil.

What I love about Anne Rice is that she makes each book in the series accessible whether you have started with Interview with a Vampire and have been reading chronologically or have decided to just pick one book out of the series that looked good.

I am going to have a great day today, and I will not take any cbd before work. I learned my lesson.

I hope everyone is doing WELL as fuck

[KingOfEvil]

I read earlier in you shucked a ton of oysters and people didn’t eat it…???

What in the ever loving fuck.

I just read oysters and automatically now I have to have a few…

One of the little pleasures in life…

[mrbungle]

Right! All I care about in life is having enough money to be able to eat raw oysters whenever the urge strikes. It is my absolute favorite thing.

[KingOfEvil]

Agreed… I usually have it with a ton of sea salt, crushed black pepper and lots of Tabasco… Sometimes a tad of lemon juice too.

Truth be told we’ve actually got a oyster bar around these parts, and they have a full on menu of different combos of oysters to have with different toppings etc.

Life would be perfect if we can have one each and everyday hahaha

[mrbungle]

Normally I just eat them as is with nothing added to it because I love the taste by itself, but I also love oyster shooters where they add horseradish, tabasco, and lemon juice. The crushed black pepper sounds like an incredible addition, and I’ll definitely try it next time, because I fucking love fresh cracked black pepper.

[KingOfEvil]

Yeah Def try that… Nice and chunky sea salt and the black pepper goes a long way…

I put black pepper in everything excepting the ice cream haha

[mrbungle]

Yeah, same here. I especially love putting it on top of perfectly ripened avocado.

[mrbungle]

Today I’m feeling a little sad. I cried a little this morning, and spent a while doing some yoga and meditation. I went out to rest on the ground as the rain gently pelted my face, because I must be dramatic, and then took a very long and very hot bath.

Not the greatest day off.

I attribute this sadness to the fact that I am going to be on my period soon, and with that comes these feelings of loneliness and a deep sensitivity that causes me to retreat to bed and remain with my sad thoughts.

I’m never sure how I’m going to react to hormonal changes – sometimes I get a manic energy that I put towards creative and ritualistic work, and sometimes I become poetically sad. I press my cheek against the window with my knees drawn up to my chest, I sniffle with little tears in my eyes, wrapped in blankets and cradling a cup of tea. Like I said, very dramatic.

I am trying to see how these mood changes can benefit me by opening me up to a different type of energy and thought process. I see everything around and within me through a perspective that I rarely have, and I should take advantage of it and allow myself to reflect. It helps that there is no particular reason why I am sad, so there is nothing specific for my mind to ruminate upon.

Though this type of sadness is nice to indulge in, I am looking forward to when I am feeling lighter and more positive.

Hope everyone is well.

[mrbungle]

This morning I woke up feeling well-rested. I poured some pumpkin spice creamer into my coffee and listened to XTC with my boyfriend.

I started my day off with a green juice that I made myself. I woke up holding a lot of water retention (especially in my face) and a bad headache, so I first juiced some ginger and tumeric to take as a shot. Then I juiced a lemon to take as another shot, and then followed that with a juice consisting of celery, cucumber, beets, carrots, spinach, and kale.

My MIL has been getting more serious about her health and wants us to go to this huge holistic health resort to have lunch and buy some organic vegan things. I’m really glad that she is getting excited about it – she always talks about how she used to juice wheatgrass and exercise and eat super healthy, and I’m glad that I could help reignite that spark within her.

I did some yoga that focused on reducing menstrual cramps and back pain, and it had the added benefit of helping with my bloating. Having that time to treat myself with such kindness and respect was very important to me, and it set the tone for the rest of the day. I avoided too much strenuous activity, and I gave myself some leeway in regards to certain responsibilities that I always stress too much about.

While everyone in the house began an impromptu karaoke session, I snuck outside to lie on the ground and stretch my limbs beneath the intense Floridian sun. I used to hate how hot Florida gets, but have now grown to love my home. If you don’t love where you are from, do you truly love yourself? I’ve had so much bad happen here, but I love it, and one day I will miss it when I am gone, no matter how much I will love my new home.

After a little while, I took a shower and then went to work.

I did a great job today, and I did not stress at all. I almost did, but I caught myself just in time. There’s no reason for stress. As long as I am getting paid, it doesn’t matter. My time spent there is all the same, no matter what is going on, and I don’t need to give it any more importance.

My mental health is too important to get caught up in investing myself emotionally into an establishment that would have no qualms about replacing me if necessary, and I will view it with the same detachment.

If and when something else better comes along, I will not think twice about taking the opportunity. I have no loyalties to this place, no matter how nice everyone is. I must remind myself of this constantly, especially on good days like this where I had a lot of fun with my coworkers. It’s easy for me to form attachments and want to do good by everyone around me, and I can be like a dog where I am loyal even when shown it is not deserved, so I have to make sure that I keep myself in check and protect myself from those who have no place in my personal life.

I’m sensitive and wish for others to be happy, but it is important that I am happy, first and foremost.

My boyfriend took me to go get some plant based icecream. I chose dark chocolate truffle cashewmilk icecream and it was amazing. I ate the entire pint while we watched Full Metal Alchemist. We are watching Brotherhood afterwards, which is our favorite as it follows the manga.

I’m going to sleep really well tonight. I knew that my sadness would go away. I’m glad it did.

I’ll report back tomorrow.

[mrbungle]

I woke up this morning feeling very different than usual. There is something inside of me that is growing and evolving, and I feel that I have more power than I’ve ever had to achieve my goals and dreams.

For one, there is a powerful confidence that I’m experiencing today. I’ve felt my self esteem growing over the last few months of disciplined work, but today is a totally different story. I feel an unshakeable confidence that comes from the core, something that cannot be fucked with by others’ perceptions or comments about me.

It feels as if there is a barrier between me and everyone else around me. Their negativity and general bullshit bounces right off. It also feels as if I can take others’ moods and dissolve their negativity through this barrier and turn it into something positive and beneficial for the both of us. I did this yesterday morning with great success.

I had a dream that everyone liked me and wanted to talk to me. I used to have dreams where others shunned and bullied me, and it must have been a reflection of what I felt I deserved, and how I felt about myself.

A moment this morning showed me that I have changed so much in a very short amount of time. Something that would normally ruin my morning did not affect me in the slightest, and I simply carried on through my routine without a care in the world.

I have zero qualms about going to work and doing my job. Why would I not want to go get paid for my time?

Nothing seems impossible. All of my aspirations have clear paths, and I am doing everything that I need to be doing to achieve them. I know that I have the discipline to work and study towards my dreams, and I will accomplish more than I ever thought possible for myself.

I no longer feel the victim, nor do I feel that I am an outsider. I am experiencing a huge sense of independence and above all else, again, my confidence has skyrocketed.

I know for a fact that it is not just me being manic, as this has been a steady incline for a little while.

I wanted to say that I can’t believe I am here, but I can, because I’ve worked for it. Here I am. Everything is cake from here on out. I’ll have only successes to report every single day.

[mrbungle]

Yesterday wasn’t very eventful, and I believe I needed a day of doing nothing at all. I lounged about the house and indulged in a few day dreams I enjoy going back to when I have time to get lost in them. I watched a lot of episodes of Full Metal Alchemist and allowed the weeb within to crawl out of it’s hole and gush over Kimblee I really wouldn’t mind being turned into a human bomb by his hand.

I’ve been especially hypersexual as of late, to the point where I would put my feelings in the obsessive category. I feel that it could be because this is the first time in my life where I have been able to express my sexuality without undertones of shame or guilt, so I’m simply not used to feeling this in it’s raw and pure form. There’s nothing holding me back, so my mind is just running with it right now. I also believe it is because my energy is just flowing without blockages through my body because of the yoga I’ve been doing consistently for over a month.

I’m having sex day dreams and night dreams, as well as listening to a lot of Nine Inch Nails.

I have always had an obsessive nature. I get hyperfocused on certain songs, people, characters of shows, musicians, hobbies, etc. and my mind cannot think of anything else in the world, and I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin if I cannot immerse myself in it completely. It has always been useful for me, but it’s a double edged sword, because I’m easily consumed by it and cannot move past it.

I do think that yoga is bringing about a lot of change in my life. Practicing yoga is bringing up a lot of thoughts and feelings, but I feel equipped to work through them and actually gain something useful from them now. I wonder if I will be able to learn how to harness my ability to hyperfocus but remain detached just enough to avoid spiraling into such a debilitating obsession?

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to enjoy life, though, and to take full advantage of being a human on this planet. Am I striving to dull myself out here?

I mean, sure, of course I do not want to experience unnecessary anxiety because it gets in the way of positive experience, but do I truly want to be level-headed at all times? Do I actually want to be zenned the fuck out? I look back on some of my major freak out moments and i’m like wow! I was really alive in that moment I was held back from attacking a stranger, or when I locked myself in a room and destroyed everything in sight with a hammer.

It’s these intense emotional experiences that add some flavor to my life. I got to the point where it was destroying my life and I couldn’t handle my own bullshit any longer, but I worry that I am, again, striving for a polar opposite, which is always extreme and never works out well. I feel personally that balance doesn’t truly exist and that life resides in a chaotic state, and when people talk about being “stable” they mean being happy all the fucking time, which is what I consider a delusional state of being.

I suppose I just don’t really know what I’m striving for at the moment.

Right now I just want to feel good, have fun, and be successful.

It’s my second day off in a row, and I will make sure to do a lot of yoga. I think I need something fast paced and strong. When I’m like this I just want to sprint around the neighborhood, but I promised my joints that I would be kinder to them.

Anyway –

Murder me daddy uwu

Nine Inch Nails - "Reptile"

This is my current favorite Nine Inch Nails song

I crave solitude and loud music

I still feel myself transforming from deep within. There is a buzzing feeling in my body, butterflies in my stomach, and a focused, calm, and confident energy that I can feel lengthening out my spine and expressing itself through a look in my eyes. It feels like I’m submerged in this energy, and that it feeds itself. I can feel that I do not feel ‘depleted’ like I used to from daily interaction and activities, and I’m detached from the daily worries of those around me. It just doesn’t matter to me any longer.

All the guilt I’ve carried around for some of the things I’ve done or have been done to me has been presenting itself in my mind, but I see it being drained from me without as much effort on my part. I used the word ‘draining’ because that’s exactly how I see it leaving my body, along with all the other feelings that have always held me back from being all that I can be. It pooled up inside of me and my body just pulled the plug and is letting it drain out.

A lot of different feelings, but they all feel good.

I’ll be back maybe later, or tomorrow.

Edited to add this song, because I motherfucking love this song

The Becoming

[mrbungle]

I’ve been doing some yoga for the last three hours and I wanted to drop this link because I really really liked this session in particular. I have been learning yoga from the same youtube channel without deviation and this popped up as a related video so I figured why not.

It took me through some new shit and I was surprised that I was capable of moving my body this way. Contortions are always fun and interesting, I definitely feel like a pretzel today.

BODY / Yoga with Arun

[mrbungle]

pump the jam bitchez

I woke up this morning and knocked back a ginger & tumeric shot before cleaning the kitchen and then heading into an intense 30 minute yoga workout routine.

Afterwards, I went outside and began meditating. I rang my tibetan singing bowl a few times and did some chanting of the mesh ka mantra. Then I did some breathing exercises, and began chanting, “I am not my body – I am not even my mind”

Questions of “Who am I?” “Why am I?” began looping in my mind. I thought about how all living things work with eachother – amazing how our carbon dioxide enables plants to breathe, and they in turn provide us oxygen. How the sun powers everything, and I visualized myself as a plant photosynthesizing. I felt one with a lizard who crawled into the crack of the pavement around our pool, and I thought about how not all man made things are “bad” and can be a valid home or hide out for the creatures who inhabit this earth along with us. I thought about our place in the food chain, how I will be food when I die.

I visualized the sun’s radiance filling my body and clearing out all negativity and self doubt within me.

I realized that nothing really matters. I assign these feelings to certain things and not others – what is the difference between a bird squawking and my MIL being her typical loud self when I am meditating? Why does one bother me and the other does not? They are just sounds, and I have no reason to put any meaning behind anything. Nothing matters.

I sighed as my breath was carried away by the wind, which blew threw my hair, and relaxed as the sun warmed my skin. I just felt really, really good.

Right now my clothes are in the dryer and I have to be at work by 4 PM. I know it will be a good day. I’m ready to take on this shift with a revitalized and relaxed mindset. These last two days of rest has definitely rejuvenated me.

[mrbungle]

Also, my MIL apparently was watching me meditate and do my breathing exericses and she took a picture of me. Damn son my abs look good af I am feeling confident and beautiful

[mrbungle]

I mentioned previously in this journal how I’ve been dealing with a surplus of sexual energy lately that is apparently insatiable, extremely frustrating, and increasingly obsessive. I have been doing some reading, and was inspired to only use my sexual energy with my partner or for magickal use.

I noticed that I was running around the house with a fuckload of inspiration and motivation, but then as soon as I masturbated, I deflated, basically. My mind was not as sharp – I felt foggy, tired, and unmotivated. I even felt a little depressed because I took myself from one extreme to another, and wished that I could go back to that previous state of elation and energy.

So it’s been like two days, and I’m trying to apply my sexual energy towards meeting my various goals. Sex is also more enjoyable, but I avoid having an orgasm because I’m trying to let the energy continue to build.

I have not really read much about sex magick. I have employed orgasm with visualization techniques during meditation and ritual, and I’m not sure if that is what sex magick is or what, but it was always successful for me even with daily masturbation, so I wonder what I can accomplish by using this energy over a longer period of time and for everything I can think of using it for.

I feel good, but in an aggressive and chaotic kind of way. I also look in the mirror and notice that I find myself more alluring, and my eyes look more alive.

My confidence is continuing to build, and my strength (mental & physical) is increasing as well.

While I have decided to stop watching porn, I am still reading erotic fiction, because I think that’s a totally different thing.

Pretty soon I am going to do some yoga, and then wear a pretty long flowy dress and go on a walk. It’s hot outside so it will feel nice to wear something loose and to be free from pants. I’ll do some grounding and meditation.

I’m going to sear myself some rare tuna and eat the other half of my avocado I saved with some sprouts on top. I think a light meal before yoga will be better than waiting to eat afterwards and losing all motivation to leave the house.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well. I’ll report back with any new feelings or improvements.

[mrbungle]

I haven’t been able to sleep for these last few days. It’s been a long time since I’ve had this problem.

Perhaps my body and mind is having a hard time adjusting to this new increase in energy. I’m sure it was much easier to fall asleep when, by the end of the day, my mind would be blank from the day of activities. I’m working on a whole new level, and it may take a little while for me to be able to sleep normally again.

I’ll try to find a bedtime yoga video and a relaxing breathing exercise to do before bed, and maybe get some lavender essential oil spray to spritz on my pillow. I need to buy some more books so that I can avoid reading material online right before bed, and whip out my sleeping mask when its time to close my eyes.

I’m looking into getting a valerian root extract to take before bed, because even when I was sleeping well, I still would wake up frequently throughout the night and I really want my mind to be working at full capacity here.

There is an undertone of melancholy to my day. Perhaps another side effect of the no masturbation no porn thing – but my motivation and energy is overpowering that feeling, so it’s not a big deal. It’s a comforting kind of sadness – a reminder of where I came from, who I used to be, and who I have become. It’s not necessary to let go of every other feeling that isn’t happiness. Happiness comes in spurts, as do all emotions.

I’m excited to do yoga (which I am dressed and ready for as soon as I’m done writing here) and I’m excited to get ready to go to work. I enjoy it there, and I do a good job. Tomorrow is payday, so I can make a bank account and feel closer to my saving goals. We may not be able to reach the goal of storing $500/month each right now, but I know we will get more work and more money making opportunities to make that happen. I’m not worried about it.

I better get started with my day. I still have meditation and breathwork to do after this.

I hope everyone is well.