Oh no, that’s the thing people never understand. I’m not suicidal, though I’ve been there once or twice. See the thing is, I can’t stand pain at all, and I’m certain I’d lay there in pain and then they’d save me and it would all be a big waste of effort.
But if the world just stopped spinning? I’d not be offended. 
that’s a bit better but im sorry you’re depressed.
All good, not my first rodeo, somehow I doubt it will be the last, even if my annoyance by life is higher than usual.
Well either way just remember what I said and know you are 100% a net positive on the world! If you ever need to talk im here 
Thanks. I appreciate that dagar.
Np and thank you, you truly have impacted my life for the better
You know. I always try to be real, so don’t be overly concerned. it’s just me being me- and I’m human.
I’m glad to hear that, but I have no idea how that’s possible…
Just being yourself lol. You have so much insight into magick! Don’t forget that just because you are surrounded by gods doesn’t make you any less of one
I’m just quoting this, cuz I think I should save it for future contemplation. Thanks
Hmmm some witches have the “malojo” and when they envy something or someone they trigger it. Some of them do that uncounciously. What about using sage to clean the cards energetically?
Oh, I actually don’t think I mention it any of the journals, so yes that’s a good idea. I did specifically put a servitor on it, used Wilson’s method for testing sigils, and then wrapping them in aluminum foil while be reminded of how my schizophrenic mother behaved and wondering if I’d lost my shit.
Edit: well I modified it a bit, but I used the basis of this, and then banished the deck so to speak with my energy and then did some servitor work as well with it.
2/13/21 Uncensored thoughts continued later
So obviously I needed to cleanse and clear and banish unwanted energy. I also need to tie up a loose end. I’m not real pleased to be pushed so far but. Gosh it’s kinda sad really. They think they know me and what it would be like to be with me and gosh. They obviously don’t know me at all. I mean how did they think I wouldn’t notice eventually, when I’d already made it clear I noticed before when they tried to influence me. I could list all the things they don’t know about me but mostly. If they knew me, they’d know I’d never let this fly, unless it somehow benefited me to wait and strike later. It doesn’t so I need to make a few plans, and for the moment I can’t rely on divination tools alone. I really never should, but you know some days I am a lazy bitch.
I should have known that and perhaps banished right before using my deck- I’d banished earlier, right after the ritual but that was a few hours prior by the time I got out my deck. So maybe I should have banished again, and maybe I should have put up extra shields or gone to silly lengths… because I should have known my deck could be target for this individual. They have on more than one occasion, told me they drew cards and then described the cards and what they thought they meant… and each and every time the cards supposedly said exactly what they were trying to convince me of. But I could feel they had either one picked those cards on purpose then exaggerated their interpretation, or they influenced the draw intentionally or not with their feelings.
I picked up on it the first time and I said so. I pointed it out time and time again that I was not buying it and could feel how they had manipulated it with their own feelings and yet. I never considered they’d hit my deck. I can’t discern with 100% certainty it was targeted, it could be the broad stroke of interfere with all of Keteriya’s relationships or it could have been quite literally they imagined energy going into my deck and reversing my readings, or in regards to readings about relationships or any number of things.
I just know it wasn’t very considerate of them.
I want to cross the line with my words, but it’s rather amazing how I lack anger, it seems. I’ve been in places like this where I didn’t get left with choices so many times, that well I’m not surprised to find myself in a corner again forced to act. I’m just not so. It’s not excited, it’s not like I’m incredibly angry but well a little disappointed in a fellow human. I’m just like, I give so many chances for people to take the easy route and no one wants to. So it’s just another day of dealing with a stupid situation for a minute, so that I can back to my work. It’s like- a necessary waste of resource. Wasted, yet necessary time and effort.
So I obviously need to put together a few rituals. I need to decide if I can use simple things that have worked well in the past for me, like mirror boxes and freezer spells, or if I need to take more dramatic actions. Obviously just shielding and warding them off is not going to work, for one they can manipulate energy and two I may not have any worry that they will influence me, they can still influence my life, which I wish was shielded in a nice little ward, but alas. Life doesn’t seem to wear bubbles well and it can certainly be broken. I also need to plan out my ritual for calling up my spirit of the dead and making contact. I have a lot of things to consider, including their loyalty to my target, so I’m going to want to have that pretty well thought after. I feel like I need to do this tonight rather than tomorrow night after the kids leave, but I’m not sure yet. It’s already 11pm but, my kids usually stay up late- rule breaking at moms, so I have time to put most of this together. I could even draw my opening key likely, as it will be several hours before I need it, and well I do want to triple check both operations ahead of time.
I can’t trust my tools atm so, I’m going to have to call friend or go direct. I am going to modify C. Wilson’s sigil testing technique and see how that affects my deck, but I’m not going to make any more assumptions- for a minute or two.
I did get some good news however. I did two minor rituals for someone, I believe it was on Wednesday 2/10/21. One was a ritual from the new Enochian book, Universal Magic by Corwin Hargrove, and the other was a simple ritual with the genius Colopatiron. I received word that the target is heavily affected and things are moving along quite well. Woot for a win.
2/14/21 Whimped out
I whimped out. I was going to open the gate again tonight, after my kids left. I was going to open the gate, call on Hecate, deal with my loose end, then attempt to summon the specific spirit of the dead. But I’m tired. I slept about four to five hours per night both nights the kids were here this weekend. That’s actually great compared to being awake the entire weekend like usual, but I’m still tired. I just want to sleep. Do I really have any problem that can’t wait till morning?
Not really, and even if I did-I’d probably still have whimped out. See. I’ve got this nasty jerk reflex kinda of memory, of being spooked in the past. Like. Terrified spooked. I’ve been known to intentionally have too many lights on, extra noise playing and to pretty much keep myself awake, because it’s way scarier when you wake up to it, and if you’re watching for it-you’ll never see it, or maybe you’ll think you did for a minute- but it’s pretty easy to talk yourself back down, and convince yourself it was all in your head.
I’ve done it many times, but I haven’t lately. I’m actually not sure I’ve been that uptight since I ran away from home. It used to be quite often, but now… I know I’ve had a few times I wasn’t comfortable sleeping, but I don’t remember the last time I was terrified. That’s a good thing, but. I’ve got this nagging feeling at the back of my stomach, and I’m just pretty sure I could spend the night somewhere in between where I’ve am right this minute and terrified. I don’t think it’ll be as bad as before, and I think I’ll be able to push through it, and I think I’ll be okay. But, I’m worried none the less.
So I whimped out, because I’m pretty sure I was already a little uneasy, and I banished and called in servitors and did some shielding and things, so. If I’m on edge now, I’ll probably really be on edge once I get into ritual and start feelings things, assuming I do, so- I’ll probably end up somewhat spooked, worried about if I banished good enough afterward and pretty much not sleeping, when I really kind of want to just leave this reality a minute.
I realize that most people get stronger responses during night time hours and I know it won’t be nearly as bad as I’m worried about, but I reverted and I won’t be afraid if I perform the operation during the day. Even if I manage to feel uneasy at any point, by the time night falls I will have it all under control and it will be fine. I also know, once I’ve done this a few more times, and I get more comfortable, and I know what to expect so to speak, I won’t have any issues. I’ve had this same sorta fear thing with demons and angels so. I know I’ll work though it, but I’m going to save it for mid morning tomorrow, to get started on.
2/15/20 The Next Big Thing
I spent an awful lot of time prepping todays work, hours longer than I had expected to spend on it. I had to decide what the hell I was doing, other than opening a gate. I knew that much, but was I going to call on anyone other than Hecate and my specific spirit? Did I want to make flour and water based clay disks, for blood offerings and to break during the ritual? Connolly really stresses that all of the preparation leads to stronger rituals, even that time spent outside of ritual just getting ready for it. So do I want to open all of the elemental gates as well as she recommends in Inferno Colopatiron or do I want to follow basically the same route I used for opening myself up to the path and just take out the whole initiation thing, and insert everything else between opening and closing the gate of Ocat?
That’s just the short list, not everything I spent half a second considering, but a few of the bigger considerations. I ended up deciding that I didn’t think I was ready for the longer operations and opening 7-11 gates. I do want to go through some bigger workings in the future, but not for today’s operation. I want to do it when I’m allowing energy to merge with me or when I’m doing pillar rites to consecrate and charge tools or I don’t know exactly, but I want to wait to open more gates for when I’m calling fewer entities and energies.
But I did decide on Hecate, spirits to deal with my long distance stalker, and to call the specific spirit of the dead that I was previously unsure about. I intend to open both the gate of Ocat, then my personal gate. That’s probably a confusing statement, but essentially the personal gate is allowing you access to more of your inner strength and power of the self. Opening yourself to the energies of the ritual and well maybe I don’t even understand it fully, but I think I get it and I think… I think I get the purpose and can comprehend how it would benefit the magicians rituals so, I’m going to open my personal gate. I already have a sigil, a souls name and I don’t think I need a made up enn for my amusement, but I do think I’ll use @DarkestKnight 's mantra for connecting with your innate divinity in the space where you would chant the enn. I’m not sure how it will go, he always tells me the mantra is very grounding feeling, and well that’s all fine and good but being too grounded can supposedly send your operation into shutdown so. I guess we’ll see. Worst case scenario, Connolly advises in those to rinse and repeat.
After opening both gates, I will be evoking Hecate, followed by the spirits I chose to deal with my loose ends, and my specific spirit of the dead. Close the gates, move on with life- take a nap or I don’t even know what yet. I wanted a nap this morning, but it’s really getting to be rather late for that since I spent all morning bull shitting around and then all afternoon planning out my ritual and preparing. So I’d probably be better off, to get back to my mantras or read a book or something until it’s a reasonable bed time, rather than nap. But I don’t know yet, and I won’t know till I get there in a few hours.
I got a little distracted after drafting up my ritual. I was pretty unhappy writing it in my normal notebook, where I put step by step direction type things, though I’m not really sure why. I wanted to write out the things that I’ll use often- like how to open the gate of Ocat, and what I’m doing to evoke Hecate etc. I listed it all out together on one front and back page for today. That’s all fine and dandy, but I want to have each aspect of those things on their own separate page, because I won’t always use the same items, but I will use them all frequently. I had 25 steps today, so it’s going to take me a bit until I have all the different parts of each potential ritual part down pat and won’t skip any beats.
So I got on paperblanks and decided to look for a journal. Then I thought about how long it would take to arrive and checked amazon instead. I found a tree of life embossed journal that I almost got, but decided at the last second I prefer this one, as it reminds me of the key grids I have to draw out for this operation. It should be here Wednesday hopefully, so I’ll shortly be able to list out my ritual parts to my hearts content.
2/15/21 The Operation
It’s only been about half an hour and I am already struggling to recall the details as vividly as I would normally. That’s a always a good thing, though it’s annoying it’s indicative of the state my mind was in during the operation. Glad I jotted some single word notes on scrap paper. Oh, almost forget but I also made my own herbal incense today from Connolly’s in a pinch incense recipe.
I began by opening the gate of Ocat. I did that a little smoother today, than I did the first time. I actually remember the seal of Ocat, instead of thinking it was the same as the opening key and wondering for a minute, how you could draw a 10x10 grid in 9 parts. I’m no mathematician, but at least I didn’t have to figure it out this time. I also noticed my scrying eyes kicking in while I was drawing the seal of Ocat and intoning the enn. It was a real thick fog this time, but it felt very much like if I were to scry into it, I’d see more vividly than average.
Next, I opened my personal gate. It may have been smooth sailing through the first gate, but this one I had to ponder a minute. Was I imagining opening the gate… into my current self, like opening my energy field like a gate? Or, was I imagining that I was opening a gate in front of me, like with Ocat?
Luckily it didn’t me very long to figure it out, I briefly imagined the first while thinking it through and it felt wrong. It may be my inner strength, but the way Connolly describes things and what this particular exercise is supposed to do on it’s own for the newbie, it sounds a lot like you’re connecting to your higher self. Maybe I’m totally wrong there, but it seems like the idea is to connect to the parts of yourself that are bigger than this current reality. Either way it was interesting experience.
I can’t imagine in visual, so while I was opening the gates, I found my eyes cast downward, but my face angled upward. It was almost like rolling your eyes backwards. I glanced up, because for some reason I imagine the gates as being slightly above me, and several feet further back, like they are floating almost. Anyways, I glanced up and I saw what looked like a clip from a movie. It was out in front of me, it wasn’t in my mind, it was like I was watching a small invisible screen- for about ten seconds.
I think it was supposed to be me. I’m not really sure, she didn’t say anything. It was a dirty, golden blond woman, looked like she would be all of maybe 26-30 years old, low side pony tail, round face, beautiful but homely at the same time. She was wearing a silver v neck dress, a white bracelet, and she strolled up and was leaning against a old timey stone wall pillar-which formed the left side of the gate.
I kinda chuckled, I was like what is with the freaking silver? I’m going to have to google if that is a significant color later.
I then saw a clip where she walked up, almost if I she were with me, or I was with her and she sat down cross legged next me. I didn’t really know what to do with that, so I decided to move along.
Next was my call to Hecate. Both days I’ve used the enn provided by Connolly. I figure if I’m going to do this, I might as well try enns out for a spin too. I didn’t notice much previously, but today I could really feel the energy rising around me. It was almost like steam rolling up from the floor, except it was warm- not hot.
After Hecate, I called on the spirits I chose to for my loose end then moved on to the main event. The reason I was opening the gates today, my specific spirit of the dead.
A few days ago, I pulled up my target spirits obituary. I knew he was young, I couldn’t find a cause of death listed- but I remember being told he was murdered and the cops said it was suicide. I knew he died around Valentines day, as that was the reason my other target dislikes the holiday, but I didn’t realize he died the last week of January and his birthday was 2/17 so. No wonder that holiday sucks for my other target.
I wasn’t sure how difficult it was going to be to call my target spirit. Did they pass? Are they here? No idea, it’s been a few years so all I can do is see what happens. I was surprised honestly, at how quickly he responded. It was a little bit scary and the light was on and the sun wasn’t even fully set…
It felt like something came spinning through the air at me and then I noticed a sharp pain in my left ear. Almost like I stabbed myself with an invisible qtip. It lasted a few seconds, I pondered whether or not it was related and then decided it didn’t matter and got down to business. I talked, quit a bit. I was explaining why I wanted this spirits help and what I was offering in exchange. I actually got pretty emotional, I was surprised to find tears rolling down my face and well then it was done. He left as quickly as he came, but for several minutes and even while I began closing the gates, I got several impressions. It was almost like seeing a flash of his memory, because it was him- but younger. I couldn’t make out any scenery so I’m not sure what’s up with that.
I am incredibly surprised at how long I took. I started around 4:30 and finished up, went to the kitchen for the drink and it was 6:30pm- already. I didn’t think I spent nearly as long on anything that I was supposed to, except the part where I communicated with my specific spirit of the dead. I sure didn’t think I rambled that long but I guess I must have. Time will tell if any part of this operate was successful.
I guess, I left out the part, where I actually used @DarkestKnight 's mantra. I chanted it as I was imagining opening my personal gates, but I lost hold of it as the images unfolded in front of me. I actually was pretty sure that’s why they were so vivid, but not positive by any means. I know I mentioned I was going to use it, and it got pointed out to me that I didn’t mention actually using it, and I think that’s because I never have noticed any effect from the mantra alone.
I’ve had some pretty cool shit happen while using it, but I can never say with certainty it’s related, because I don’t notice anything specific from it when used alone, or without any intentions. For this operation the intention was to use it to connect to my inner divinity, while opening my personal gate. Basically instead of creating an Enn for my personal gate, I used this mantra.
I used the second version of this mantra:
Which reminds me, I’m like 7 or 8 days behind on my Vashikaran mantras practice. I’m not sure that’s it a conflict of interest, but it doesn’t seem to jive as well in my day, as it did prior to starting these new works. Perhaps I need to force myself into a day or two of it, as it always feels good and then my energy levels are pretty high, but at this point I’m considering dropping the practice till a later date, as I know how the system works for me and my practice now.
I wonder if anyone chooses Frucissiere. A lot go for Hecate, some for Hades, others for Anpu… Conolly’s work is really so rich and abundant in methods and ideas. Awesome!
I don’t know. This is just the start of this particular path for me Rav. I don’t intend to stay with Hecate forever, she doesn’t feel like Samedi or any of the spirits that I keep on retainer but she did seem to reach out to me, so that is why I started there.
Just in the tomes needed to operate in a manner somewhat similar to Connolly, there’s a lot of spirits covered. None of it’s in depths, it’s all meant for you to go do your own homework on, but there’s quite a few spirits, gates and even genius if you get into the outlier tome that’s still related.
Frucissiere, and I can’t recall without grabbing my book, the one that starts with Eu, I’d never even heard of prior to reading these books.
There’s a lot of information that could be gained all around, just be immersing yourself into similar workings and a lot of energies just a lot of shit to try. I want to do it all, try some of the oils and tinctures and different things, and most specifically, I’d like to work my way through the rest of the spirits she does mention.
Whether or not I’ll actually do that I don’t know. I’d like to but I often find new and shiny toys and that I’ve gained whatever a path offered to me for that moment, and that it’s time to move on in order to keep learning and growing. So I’d like to work through them all in time, but the amount of work we are talking about is months worth at least. If I had no background at all, I think it could easily be a year or twos worth so.
Time will tell where I go with it and how deep I get, though my intentions for now, are to work this path rather thoroughly as I think there is a lot here for personally, now that I’m ready for it.
Side note: I had pictures for the rituals and stuff early and forgot to upload them! Shame on me for promising pictures then leaving them on my phone for days after days, due to this not being the exact day I’m doing the rituals.
I think I will catch it up over the next few days however, I think my reasons to worry over it have diminished, and that one situation? Go ahead influence it. Something better came along anyways.
This is incense that I was mixing for the last ritual, yes I used my ashtray-it was convenient, burned well, no issues. I used to drop incense cones in them in Wa, so I had an idea of how it would go, though I did once busticate an ashtray that way.
My wand was more than a little late, in fact it arrived this morning, mysteriously after me emailing the seller two days ago and asking if they had died, or forgotten to put it in the mail or whatever you know, after they printed the shipping label. Funny coincidence, considering she went back and forth between all mail is slow and most of her mail is going fast, but whatever you know. Yes it’s a cat toy. If the death energy it obtain from one ritual kill Atropos, Then I guess I’ll know better next time… 
This was my ritual setup though looking it, I wonder what I did with my drawing of that pentacle… I swear I used sketch paper in case I wanted to use it again, as it’s the one I’ve used the most to date, and I just had all my stuff out and have no idea what I decided to do with it…
What can I say? I was born blond.
2/17/21 Love Dreams
I dreamed Alice, you know the dachshund I saved? came and found me. She came 2600 miles to be with me, because she loved me so much. I was in a house I didn’t recognize and my kids were there, and she was covered in mud and damp but I had a wound on my finger I was trying to bandage, so I handed her to my son and asked him to start a bath, so that I could finish bandaging my finger. I kept thinking I needed to call my ex husband and let him know I had her, so he wouldn’t worry about where she was, it was a long ways and it was unbelievable she found me.
I heard my ex husband’s voice yelling at my son, so I went up and he was in a tub full of bubbles with Alice and there were 3 or 4 ferrets on the side of this huge round tub, almost like dancing but trying to play with the bubbles. He got out and I was like okay leave the water cuz she needs combed and has matted mud and all sorts of things.
Then I was standing next to my son, and I asked him when she left. He said mom, we gave up after two days, the internet said they could disappear for a week but we gave up after two days. She left two weeks ago.
Curious, I loved Alice with what seemed like all my heart and soul, and only one human relationship has ever compared. That she went to such lengths in the dream to come to me, certain a show of how deep the love was, but this could certainly be related to the spirit of the dead I just called. It’s a tad bit related to that situation.
I almost didn’t remember this dream. I was trying to project, and then I got a text message. I was chanting and rolled over to pick up my phone. I browsed balg and saw those bone posts and was like hmm. I bet I could get an animal skull like I had in high school, from a heifer or a deer or something that wouldn’t be crazy expensive, but that I could use with my current works.
I found a place that has reasonable skulls, so I was browsing through and came across Mink. I was like mink, that’s related closely to ferrets, and both are a type of weasel, so it would probably be small, but wonder what Fairies skull looks like. Then I noticed there was not any dog type skulls in the list except Coyote and I was like that’s odd. I’d have thought that most places would have them, due to the number of the dogs that get studied for pathogenic purposes and what not and then was like… OH.
and remembered it all. I thought it was a good dream though, because the ex gave Alice to a home with an autistic child, and she always was protective over my kids, so I knew she would loved and she’d be doing her job so to speak, watching over a child in her new pack. But in the dream, she loved me so much, she couldn’t stand it so she came for me, 2600 miles even, though realistically, she’s probably actually local or somewhat local…So I thought it was like… knowing how I loved Alice, I thought it was like love coming from afar you know, other than she couldn’t be 2600 miles away, when I’m now? and Two’s I can’t make anything from that, but it doesn’t seem bad…
