The Keys of Ocat: A Necromantic Journey

Oh, I actually don’t think I mention it any of the journals, so yes that’s a good idea. I did specifically put a servitor on it, used Wilson’s method for testing sigils, and then wrapping them in aluminum foil while be reminded of how my schizophrenic mother behaved and wondering if I’d lost my shit.

Edit: well I modified it a bit, but I used the basis of this, and then banished the deck so to speak with my energy and then did some servitor work as well with it.


2/13/21 Uncensored thoughts continued later

So obviously I needed to cleanse and clear and banish unwanted energy. I also need to tie up a loose end. I’m not real pleased to be pushed so far but. Gosh it’s kinda sad really. They think they know me and what it would be like to be with me and gosh. They obviously don’t know me at all. I mean how did they think I wouldn’t notice eventually, when I’d already made it clear I noticed before when they tried to influence me. I could list all the things they don’t know about me but mostly. If they knew me, they’d know I’d never let this fly, unless it somehow benefited me to wait and strike later. It doesn’t so I need to make a few plans, and for the moment I can’t rely on divination tools alone. I really never should, but you know some days I am a lazy bitch.

I should have known that and perhaps banished right before using my deck- I’d banished earlier, right after the ritual but that was a few hours prior by the time I got out my deck. So maybe I should have banished again, and maybe I should have put up extra shields or gone to silly lengths… because I should have known my deck could be target for this individual. They have on more than one occasion, told me they drew cards and then described the cards and what they thought they meant… and each and every time the cards supposedly said exactly what they were trying to convince me of. But I could feel they had either one picked those cards on purpose then exaggerated their interpretation, or they influenced the draw intentionally or not with their feelings.

I picked up on it the first time and I said so. I pointed it out time and time again that I was not buying it and could feel how they had manipulated it with their own feelings and yet. I never considered they’d hit my deck. I can’t discern with 100% certainty it was targeted, it could be the broad stroke of interfere with all of Keteriya’s relationships or it could have been quite literally they imagined energy going into my deck and reversing my readings, or in regards to readings about relationships or any number of things.

I just know it wasn’t very considerate of them.

I want to cross the line with my words, but it’s rather amazing how I lack anger, it seems. I’ve been in places like this where I didn’t get left with choices so many times, that well I’m not surprised to find myself in a corner again forced to act. I’m just not so. It’s not excited, it’s not like I’m incredibly angry but well a little disappointed in a fellow human. I’m just like, I give so many chances for people to take the easy route and no one wants to. So it’s just another day of dealing with a stupid situation for a minute, so that I can back to my work. It’s like- a necessary waste of resource. Wasted, yet necessary time and effort.

So I obviously need to put together a few rituals. I need to decide if I can use simple things that have worked well in the past for me, like mirror boxes and freezer spells, or if I need to take more dramatic actions. Obviously just shielding and warding them off is not going to work, for one they can manipulate energy and two I may not have any worry that they will influence me, they can still influence my life, which I wish was shielded in a nice little ward, but alas. Life doesn’t seem to wear bubbles well and it can certainly be broken. I also need to plan out my ritual for calling up my spirit of the dead and making contact. I have a lot of things to consider, including their loyalty to my target, so I’m going to want to have that pretty well thought after. I feel like I need to do this tonight rather than tomorrow night after the kids leave, but I’m not sure yet. It’s already 11pm but, my kids usually stay up late- rule breaking at moms, so I have time to put most of this together. I could even draw my opening key likely, as it will be several hours before I need it, and well I do want to triple check both operations ahead of time.

I can’t trust my tools atm so, I’m going to have to call friend or go direct. I am going to modify C. Wilson’s sigil testing technique and see how that affects my deck, but I’m not going to make any more assumptions- for a minute or two.

I did get some good news however. I did two minor rituals for someone, I believe it was on Wednesday 2/10/21. One was a ritual from the new Enochian book, Universal Magic by Corwin Hargrove, and the other was a simple ritual with the genius Colopatiron. I received word that the target is heavily affected and things are moving along quite well. Woot for a win.


2/14/21 Whimped out

I whimped out. I was going to open the gate again tonight, after my kids left. I was going to open the gate, call on Hecate, deal with my loose end, then attempt to summon the specific spirit of the dead. But I’m tired. I slept about four to five hours per night both nights the kids were here this weekend. That’s actually great compared to being awake the entire weekend like usual, but I’m still tired. I just want to sleep. Do I really have any problem that can’t wait till morning?

Not really, and even if I did-I’d probably still have whimped out. See. I’ve got this nasty jerk reflex kinda of memory, of being spooked in the past. Like. Terrified spooked. I’ve been known to intentionally have too many lights on, extra noise playing and to pretty much keep myself awake, because it’s way scarier when you wake up to it, and if you’re watching for it-you’ll never see it, or maybe you’ll think you did for a minute- but it’s pretty easy to talk yourself back down, and convince yourself it was all in your head.

I’ve done it many times, but I haven’t lately. I’m actually not sure I’ve been that uptight since I ran away from home. It used to be quite often, but now… I know I’ve had a few times I wasn’t comfortable sleeping, but I don’t remember the last time I was terrified. That’s a good thing, but. I’ve got this nagging feeling at the back of my stomach, and I’m just pretty sure I could spend the night somewhere in between where I’ve am right this minute and terrified. I don’t think it’ll be as bad as before, and I think I’ll be able to push through it, and I think I’ll be okay. But, I’m worried none the less.

So I whimped out, because I’m pretty sure I was already a little uneasy, and I banished and called in servitors and did some shielding and things, so. If I’m on edge now, I’ll probably really be on edge once I get into ritual and start feelings things, assuming I do, so- I’ll probably end up somewhat spooked, worried about if I banished good enough afterward and pretty much not sleeping, when I really kind of want to just leave this reality a minute.

I realize that most people get stronger responses during night time hours and I know it won’t be nearly as bad as I’m worried about, but I reverted and I won’t be afraid if I perform the operation during the day. Even if I manage to feel uneasy at any point, by the time night falls I will have it all under control and it will be fine. I also know, once I’ve done this a few more times, and I get more comfortable, and I know what to expect so to speak, I won’t have any issues. I’ve had this same sorta fear thing with demons and angels so. I know I’ll work though it, but I’m going to save it for mid morning tomorrow, to get started on.


2/15/20 The Next Big Thing

I spent an awful lot of time prepping todays work, hours longer than I had expected to spend on it. I had to decide what the hell I was doing, other than opening a gate. I knew that much, but was I going to call on anyone other than Hecate and my specific spirit? Did I want to make flour and water based clay disks, for blood offerings and to break during the ritual? Connolly really stresses that all of the preparation leads to stronger rituals, even that time spent outside of ritual just getting ready for it. So do I want to open all of the elemental gates as well as she recommends in Inferno Colopatiron or do I want to follow basically the same route I used for opening myself up to the path and just take out the whole initiation thing, and insert everything else between opening and closing the gate of Ocat?

That’s just the short list, not everything I spent half a second considering, but a few of the bigger considerations. I ended up deciding that I didn’t think I was ready for the longer operations and opening 7-11 gates. I do want to go through some bigger workings in the future, but not for today’s operation. I want to do it when I’m allowing energy to merge with me or when I’m doing pillar rites to consecrate and charge tools or I don’t know exactly, but I want to wait to open more gates for when I’m calling fewer entities and energies.

But I did decide on Hecate, spirits to deal with my long distance stalker, and to call the specific spirit of the dead that I was previously unsure about. I intend to open both the gate of Ocat, then my personal gate. That’s probably a confusing statement, but essentially the personal gate is allowing you access to more of your inner strength and power of the self. Opening yourself to the energies of the ritual and well maybe I don’t even understand it fully, but I think I get it and I think… I think I get the purpose and can comprehend how it would benefit the magicians rituals so, I’m going to open my personal gate. I already have a sigil, a souls name and I don’t think I need a made up enn for my amusement, but I do think I’ll use @DarkestKnight 's mantra for connecting with your innate divinity in the space where you would chant the enn. I’m not sure how it will go, he always tells me the mantra is very grounding feeling, and well that’s all fine and good but being too grounded can supposedly send your operation into shutdown so. I guess we’ll see. Worst case scenario, Connolly advises in those to rinse and repeat.

After opening both gates, I will be evoking Hecate, followed by the spirits I chose to deal with my loose ends, and my specific spirit of the dead. Close the gates, move on with life- take a nap or I don’t even know what yet. I wanted a nap this morning, but it’s really getting to be rather late for that since I spent all morning bull shitting around and then all afternoon planning out my ritual and preparing. So I’d probably be better off, to get back to my mantras or read a book or something until it’s a reasonable bed time, rather than nap. But I don’t know yet, and I won’t know till I get there in a few hours.

I got a little distracted after drafting up my ritual. I was pretty unhappy writing it in my normal notebook, where I put step by step direction type things, though I’m not really sure why. I wanted to write out the things that I’ll use often- like how to open the gate of Ocat, and what I’m doing to evoke Hecate etc. I listed it all out together on one front and back page for today. That’s all fine and dandy, but I want to have each aspect of those things on their own separate page, because I won’t always use the same items, but I will use them all frequently. I had 25 steps today, so it’s going to take me a bit until I have all the different parts of each potential ritual part down pat and won’t skip any beats.

So I got on paperblanks and decided to look for a journal. Then I thought about how long it would take to arrive and checked amazon instead. I found a tree of life embossed journal that I almost got, but decided at the last second I prefer this one, as it reminds me of the key grids I have to draw out for this operation. It should be here Wednesday hopefully, so I’ll shortly be able to list out my ritual parts to my hearts content.


2/15/21 The Operation

It’s only been about half an hour and I am already struggling to recall the details as vividly as I would normally. That’s a always a good thing, though it’s annoying it’s indicative of the state my mind was in during the operation. Glad I jotted some single word notes on scrap paper. Oh, almost forget but I also made my own herbal incense today from Connolly’s in a pinch incense recipe.

I began by opening the gate of Ocat. I did that a little smoother today, than I did the first time. I actually remember the seal of Ocat, instead of thinking it was the same as the opening key and wondering for a minute, how you could draw a 10x10 grid in 9 parts. I’m no mathematician, but at least I didn’t have to figure it out this time. I also noticed my scrying eyes kicking in while I was drawing the seal of Ocat and intoning the enn. It was a real thick fog this time, but it felt very much like if I were to scry into it, I’d see more vividly than average.

Next, I opened my personal gate. It may have been smooth sailing through the first gate, but this one I had to ponder a minute. Was I imagining opening the gate… into my current self, like opening my energy field like a gate? Or, was I imagining that I was opening a gate in front of me, like with Ocat?

Luckily it didn’t me very long to figure it out, I briefly imagined the first while thinking it through and it felt wrong. It may be my inner strength, but the way Connolly describes things and what this particular exercise is supposed to do on it’s own for the newbie, it sounds a lot like you’re connecting to your higher self. Maybe I’m totally wrong there, but it seems like the idea is to connect to the parts of yourself that are bigger than this current reality. Either way it was interesting experience.

I can’t imagine in visual, so while I was opening the gates, I found my eyes cast downward, but my face angled upward. It was almost like rolling your eyes backwards. I glanced up, because for some reason I imagine the gates as being slightly above me, and several feet further back, like they are floating almost. Anyways, I glanced up and I saw what looked like a clip from a movie. It was out in front of me, it wasn’t in my mind, it was like I was watching a small invisible screen- for about ten seconds.

I think it was supposed to be me. I’m not really sure, she didn’t say anything. It was a dirty, golden blond woman, looked like she would be all of maybe 26-30 years old, low side pony tail, round face, beautiful but homely at the same time. She was wearing a silver v neck dress, a white bracelet, and she strolled up and was leaning against a old timey stone wall pillar-which formed the left side of the gate.

I kinda chuckled, I was like what is with the freaking silver? I’m going to have to google if that is a significant color later.

I then saw a clip where she walked up, almost if I she were with me, or I was with her and she sat down cross legged next me. I didn’t really know what to do with that, so I decided to move along.

Next was my call to Hecate. Both days I’ve used the enn provided by Connolly. I figure if I’m going to do this, I might as well try enns out for a spin too. I didn’t notice much previously, but today I could really feel the energy rising around me. It was almost like steam rolling up from the floor, except it was warm- not hot.

After Hecate, I called on the spirits I chose to for my loose end then moved on to the main event. The reason I was opening the gates today, my specific spirit of the dead.

A few days ago, I pulled up my target spirits obituary. I knew he was young, I couldn’t find a cause of death listed- but I remember being told he was murdered and the cops said it was suicide. I knew he died around Valentines day, as that was the reason my other target dislikes the holiday, but I didn’t realize he died the last week of January and his birthday was 2/17 so. No wonder that holiday sucks for my other target.

I wasn’t sure how difficult it was going to be to call my target spirit. Did they pass? Are they here? No idea, it’s been a few years so all I can do is see what happens. I was surprised honestly, at how quickly he responded. It was a little bit scary and the light was on and the sun wasn’t even fully set…

It felt like something came spinning through the air at me and then I noticed a sharp pain in my left ear. Almost like I stabbed myself with an invisible qtip. It lasted a few seconds, I pondered whether or not it was related and then decided it didn’t matter and got down to business. I talked, quit a bit. I was explaining why I wanted this spirits help and what I was offering in exchange. I actually got pretty emotional, I was surprised to find tears rolling down my face and well then it was done. He left as quickly as he came, but for several minutes and even while I began closing the gates, I got several impressions. It was almost like seeing a flash of his memory, because it was him- but younger. I couldn’t make out any scenery so I’m not sure what’s up with that.

I am incredibly surprised at how long I took. I started around 4:30 and finished up, went to the kitchen for the drink and it was 6:30pm- already. I didn’t think I spent nearly as long on anything that I was supposed to, except the part where I communicated with my specific spirit of the dead. I sure didn’t think I rambled that long but I guess I must have. Time will tell if any part of this operate was successful.


I guess, I left out the part, where I actually used @DarkestKnight 's mantra. I chanted it as I was imagining opening my personal gates, but I lost hold of it as the images unfolded in front of me. I actually was pretty sure that’s why they were so vivid, but not positive by any means. I know I mentioned I was going to use it, and it got pointed out to me that I didn’t mention actually using it, and I think that’s because I never have noticed any effect from the mantra alone.

I’ve had some pretty cool shit happen while using it, but I can never say with certainty it’s related, because I don’t notice anything specific from it when used alone, or without any intentions. For this operation the intention was to use it to connect to my inner divinity, while opening my personal gate. Basically instead of creating an Enn for my personal gate, I used this mantra.

I used the second version of this mantra:

Which reminds me, I’m like 7 or 8 days behind on my Vashikaran mantras practice. I’m not sure that’s it a conflict of interest, but it doesn’t seem to jive as well in my day, as it did prior to starting these new works. Perhaps I need to force myself into a day or two of it, as it always feels good and then my energy levels are pretty high, but at this point I’m considering dropping the practice till a later date, as I know how the system works for me and my practice now.


I wonder if anyone chooses Frucissiere. A lot go for Hecate, some for Hades, others for Anpu… Conolly’s work is really so rich and abundant in methods and ideas. Awesome!

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I don’t know. This is just the start of this particular path for me Rav. I don’t intend to stay with Hecate forever, she doesn’t feel like Samedi or any of the spirits that I keep on retainer but she did seem to reach out to me, so that is why I started there.

Just in the tomes needed to operate in a manner somewhat similar to Connolly, there’s a lot of spirits covered. None of it’s in depths, it’s all meant for you to go do your own homework on, but there’s quite a few spirits, gates and even genius if you get into the outlier tome that’s still related.

Frucissiere, and I can’t recall without grabbing my book, the one that starts with Eu, I’d never even heard of prior to reading these books.

There’s a lot of information that could be gained all around, just be immersing yourself into similar workings and a lot of energies just a lot of shit to try. I want to do it all, try some of the oils and tinctures and different things, and most specifically, I’d like to work my way through the rest of the spirits she does mention.

Whether or not I’ll actually do that I don’t know. I’d like to but I often find new and shiny toys and that I’ve gained whatever a path offered to me for that moment, and that it’s time to move on in order to keep learning and growing. So I’d like to work through them all in time, but the amount of work we are talking about is months worth at least. If I had no background at all, I think it could easily be a year or twos worth so.

Time will tell where I go with it and how deep I get, though my intentions for now, are to work this path rather thoroughly as I think there is a lot here for personally, now that I’m ready for it.

Side note: I had pictures for the rituals and stuff early and forgot to upload them! Shame on me for promising pictures then leaving them on my phone for days after days, due to this not being the exact day I’m doing the rituals.

I think I will catch it up over the next few days however, I think my reasons to worry over it have diminished, and that one situation? Go ahead influence it. Something better came along anyways.

This is incense that I was mixing for the last ritual, yes I used my ashtray-it was convenient, burned well, no issues. I used to drop incense cones in them in Wa, so I had an idea of how it would go, though I did once busticate an ashtray that way.

My wand was more than a little late, in fact it arrived this morning, mysteriously after me emailing the seller two days ago and asking if they had died, or forgotten to put it in the mail or whatever you know, after they printed the shipping label. Funny coincidence, considering she went back and forth between all mail is slow and most of her mail is going fast, but whatever you know. Yes it’s a cat toy. If the death energy it obtain from one ritual kill Atropos, Then I guess I’ll know better next time… :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

This was my ritual setup though looking it, I wonder what I did with my drawing of that pentacle… I swear I used sketch paper in case I wanted to use it again, as it’s the one I’ve used the most to date, and I just had all my stuff out and have no idea what I decided to do with it…

What can I say? I was born blond.


2/17/21 Love Dreams

I dreamed Alice, you know the dachshund I saved? came and found me. She came 2600 miles to be with me, because she loved me so much. I was in a house I didn’t recognize and my kids were there, and she was covered in mud and damp but I had a wound on my finger I was trying to bandage, so I handed her to my son and asked him to start a bath, so that I could finish bandaging my finger. I kept thinking I needed to call my ex husband and let him know I had her, so he wouldn’t worry about where she was, it was a long ways and it was unbelievable she found me.

I heard my ex husband’s voice yelling at my son, so I went up and he was in a tub full of bubbles with Alice and there were 3 or 4 ferrets on the side of this huge round tub, almost like dancing but trying to play with the bubbles. He got out and I was like okay leave the water cuz she needs combed and has matted mud and all sorts of things.

Then I was standing next to my son, and I asked him when she left. He said mom, we gave up after two days, the internet said they could disappear for a week but we gave up after two days. She left two weeks ago.

Curious, I loved Alice with what seemed like all my heart and soul, and only one human relationship has ever compared. That she went to such lengths in the dream to come to me, certain a show of how deep the love was, but this could certainly be related to the spirit of the dead I just called. It’s a tad bit related to that situation.

I almost didn’t remember this dream. I was trying to project, and then I got a text message. I was chanting and rolled over to pick up my phone. I browsed balg and saw those bone posts and was like hmm. I bet I could get an animal skull like I had in high school, from a heifer or a deer or something that wouldn’t be crazy expensive, but that I could use with my current works.

I found a place that has reasonable skulls, so I was browsing through and came across Mink. I was like mink, that’s related closely to ferrets, and both are a type of weasel, so it would probably be small, but wonder what Fairies skull looks like. Then I noticed there was not any dog type skulls in the list except Coyote and I was like that’s odd. I’d have thought that most places would have them, due to the number of the dogs that get studied for pathogenic purposes and what not and then was like… OH.

and remembered it all. I thought it was a good dream though, because the ex gave Alice to a home with an autistic child, and she always was protective over my kids, so I knew she would loved and she’d be doing her job so to speak, watching over a child in her new pack. But in the dream, she loved me so much, she couldn’t stand it so she came for me, 2600 miles even, though realistically, she’s probably actually local or somewhat local…So I thought it was like… knowing how I loved Alice, I thought it was like love coming from afar you know, other than she couldn’t be 2600 miles away, when I’m now? and Two’s I can’t make anything from that, but it doesn’t seem bad…


2/18/21 Prepping Items

I’ve been kinda lazy, I stayed up all night, then went to bed at 10 am yesterday. I tried to sleep all day and was in and out of it for hours due to the pets being assholes. I finally kicked one out then caged the other, so I could sleep for about five hours. I didn’t really want to get up at 11 am, but something kept urging me to do so. Probably the lack of productivity and knowing the asshole pets had made several messes while I tried to sleep.

I mean the two are like a couple of toddlers some days. Most days the ferret and cat get along, everyone uses the right potties and I have no major complaint other than they are just too cute. But the last day and a half? I was nearly ready to open the front door and be like See ya, Good luck and all… then slam it closed and pass the fck out. Harsh, I wouldn’t do it for real, but I mean some days I think about it.

Before I went to bed, my new paperblanks journal came. I’m pretty excited about it, even though I’m only going to be using it to record the rituals I create, step by step. Some of them are pretty involved and have three or more essentially miniature rituals within them. Combining those creates the entire of a working but, I might use the ritual to open the gate of Ocat, to evoke a spirit and to close the gate of Ocat today and tomorrow open the gate of Ocat, open my personal gate, open elemental gates and then close them all down. So the parts I use are going to vary and I feel like the easiest solution is to record each separately, at least until I know them so well that I don’t have to think about it. I’m sure instead of 25 step rituals, in time my notes for the working will be quite simply list of the parts like I am using for examples here. But I’m not there yet, and the fact I’m working with all four books and the physical book of keys, as Connolly intends for you to do, means it’s way easier for me to record what I’ve decided to use and to flip through my own book.

I chose this particular journal, because it reminds me of the keys. The design is almost like a tablet. I thought that was rather fitting, but I was disappointed when I opened the package to find I’d ordered the wrong size. It’s my mistake, I wanted the ultra size and order the midi. It’s not too small, and it fits in my box quite well, but I have a tendency to write too big and take up way more space than is needed, so I thought with the ultra, I’d be able to fit each ritual on a single page. I probably still can, if I get my hand writing under control and take my time with it.

So this all rather boring, but today is a day for prepping items. I’m starting my magical day by creating egg-shell chalk. I’ve been saving egg shells for quite a while, so I have way more than the recipe calls for, and no real idea exactly how many egg shells I have, but it should be roughly 3 dozen- give or take a few shells. I’m going to work with that number and hope it’s easy to discern if I need to amend the recipe for what I have. I’ve had plenty of time to decide which herbs I want to add to the recipe, but I fail as a human some days, so I’ve actually avoided doing anything with it, other than thinking Yeah, I should think about that. I’m just going to wing it, and rummage through my herbs when the time comes, and go with what feels right to me, in the moment.

I had to start with cleaning my eggshells, they’ve just been sitting in a bowl in my fridge- for something like 3 weeks now. It was actually pretty easy, the membrane literally looked like paper, and the yellow parts were like hard little crystals, so I didn’t need water as the recipe suggested. I decided to use my hand crank coffee grounder, since I don’t have a mortar and pestle. I did have a pretty big rock that I could have used, but I decided this was slightly easier, and would take a fair deal of time so it would work.

It took way longer than it should have, cuz I’m lazy and get bored and distracted and well. My arms got tired lol. So it took longer than needed but I was glad I chose the coffee grinder, the first time I emptied the holder tank on it. Egg shells make a lot of dusts and I’m sure I’d have been ridiculous and refused to wear a face mask, so it probably wouldn’t have killed me, but I doubt it would have been the thing I’ve ever done as far as my lungs go. I ended up following this recipe, and adding herbs to it.

How to make your own eggshell chalk - Kidspot

I started out forming the piece of chalk, like they describe and I realized after I walked away that it was going to be a very wide and long piece of chalk. The length wasn’t really an issue, but the width. I mean how inconvenient and uncomfortable is going to be to use a piece of chalk that is to wide for my finger to circle around? So I unwrapped it, and grabbed the empty egg carton, that my son had set aside for me. You never know what craft I might find myself into, so sometimes I hang onto things that have lots of craft uses. Not often, because I don’t have endless amounts of space in this apartment, nor funds for crafting supplies, but I do save a few things- like brown paper bags, and small containers that I can use for magic (Freezer spells, jar spells, things like that) or crafts.

I also made clay tablets, from salt and flour, except I only had bisquick. If you didn’t know, bisquick or the generic store brand pancake mix, can be used for just about anything you would normally use flour for. Sometimes you need to alternate ingredients- pie crust for example, but usually it’s even simpler than using flour- if you cook like me, that is a great thing. It’s usually pretty great food too.

Anyways, I only had bisquick, and I only had enough to make three tablets. So I made my tablets, then decided to bake them, as it’s kinda hard to draw into clay, and I know I’ll be happier using marker on them, so that they are clearer to read, though I doubt I’ll be able to color the squares in appropriately. I’ll probably just try to inscribe the Enochian letters in the appropriate color and call it good, and hope that works out all right. It seems like it will but time will tell. I did pictures of the tablets before marking them, but since it is copyrighted works, I’m not going to share up close pictures of them marked. Sorry.


2/19/21 More Two’s

I should probably be more irritated than I am.

I had a… pretty much nightmare, but surprisingly didn’t wake up scared, ate and contemplated it around 5 am then went back to bed just to learn I’ve managed to get my ass scammed…

But, there’s something to the number Two, that I can’t figure out. Night before last I had super pleasant dreams, and the number two really stood out to me, as it was said multiple times, and I don’t usually have dreams with any sort of numbers.

Then last night, I’m dreaming I’m on a bus. A woman is to my right and I’m in the left seat. It’s a public transport bus, so I’m like headed home or something. A man comes up and hands the woman, whom I think was my ag teachers wife but I’m not positive, an envelope. He asks if we would drop it in the mail.

I thought it was suspicious but he got right of the bus, so I took it opened it. It looked like several smaller envelopes but there was writing all over and it didn’t make sense. I was like okay whatever. Well by the time we got where we were going she handed me the last one and flipped it over.

It had writing in blood and said I SAID DON’T USE TWO. I knew what it meant in the dream, it was something like I’d had some sort of power for a game or whatever we were doing, and I was supposed to use it up to once per day in whatever game or whatever it was. I’m not sure it was a game, but I don’t understand it, and it was almost like… it repelled unwanted lovers.

I walked into a building and was like, well. Guess that means I won’t use it at all tonight to make up for using it two times instead of only once…

Then I was in a room with a bunch of people sleeping on the floor and I got up to pee, again. I saw xxxxx laying a little ways a way was going to go snuggle into him, I was thinking fck people, sleeping next to him is not that bad, but I had to pee first. He followed me into the bathroom, he thought I was sick because I had to pee so much, like having the shits sick. I told him no, but it was going to take a story to explain, so hang on let me get a drink and a smoke and I’ll fill you in. He ended up following me into a bedroom and I was like great, maybe we can fck for a change, because it’s so rare to find an empty room, but the door wouldn’t shut so I was just like, all I really want is held anyways but if we do and someone walks in, idc.

Then I had a cup of Pepsi, and a small Chinese girl tried to grab it and I hurried and slurped from it, because she was going to spill it. It still spilled some and surprisingly she didn’t demand more.

Next I was walking into a classroom type setting and I had a box. I decided I wasn’t sure I was ever coming back due to the threat I’d received it somehow being related, so I was choosing my books and things that I wanted to keep and putting them in the box. I wasn’t trying to hide it and was like yeah, that’s what you’d do if you were leaving for good. A bunch of people noticed and crowded around me. One was blond and seemed like, she was sure I wouldn’t keep in touch but wanted me to. I picked up one more thin paperback, maybe the size of a large napkin and under it was a blue cigarette pack, but it was like… mini. It was maybe a third of the normal length about 3/4 of the normal wide for a cigarette pack and said MENTHOL on it. It was like a Marlboro color tbh, and I was like weirded out by it, because it wasn’t normal.

The blond seemed to know something about it and told me to put it in my pocket to remember her by, then said to me, but while essentially addressing the others, that maybe I could email her later and catch her up to what was going on.

So. I don’t usually give credence of any sort to numbers, but they don’t usually show up in dreams. So two nights in a row that the number Two, really stand out? Strange.

Then my fk up with the fake ups, the charge was supposed to be $2.20 and it’s a $202 scam.

WTF Is with the 2’s lmao…


2/21/21 Redacted and Rambling entry about what the Two’s are possibly related to.

2/22/21 Another Way

I’m feeling a bit emotional, thank you time of the month, and I dreamed of portals during my last sleep. Nothing worth noting, but there was a bit, several scenes actually, revolving around closing the portal down to a piece of paper, and about how once it was closed down to that paper, no one could use it unless they were in front of it. So they needed the paper, which meant not only myself, but perhaps a few trusted buddies could guard it.

I’m not really sure all of the meaning here, other than whoa dejavu feeling as I typed that out, but either way I found it interesting because after imagining the gates close, you are to draw out the key of closing then burn it. I did forget to burn it one of the two times I’ve opened the gates so far, but I figured no big deal. But the dream caused me to wonder if drawing out the key of closing wasn’t a bit more than simply drawing out symbols for what you were doing. Is it possible, that the act of drawing it out sort of… I want to say binds it to the paper, and then the act of burning it, ensures that it’s no longer accessible? I mean we burn a lot of things in magic, for varying reasons, most of which are symbolic, so is this a ridiculous question to even ponder?

Quite possibly, but none the less, I did ponder it for a minute.

Then I had to get back to inscribing the tablets I never finished, and plotting out my next ritual. I did manage to record all of the rituals I plan to use again in my cute new little journal, so I don’t actually have to write anything down. I’ve been wanting to open the gates, just to merge with the energies and to perhaps charge some of my items, not because I think they necessarily need charged, I think in time the right energies will be plentiful in them, but because I want to see how the methods Connolly recommends, feel, and what the results from using them feel like. Worst case scenario, I think it was a waste of time, and never do it again, but I want to try it once, so that’s my game plan for tonight. I’m not sure it’s a good game plan, I’m all over the place emotionally, but it can’t be any worse than being all over the damned place. I mean it might can be, but I think I’m willing to a take risk and find out.

First I had to send an emotional text. I mean I do that once in a while, though I really shouldn’t. It’s going to get read and deleted without being commented on. That’s okay, because I know he read it. I just wanted him to know, that if I fck this next thing up, it’s his fault. What with doesn’t matter and neither does the why, but rest assured it is. It’s related enough to send me into depths, at 3 am. Maybe there’s some comfort, or even an answer out there after all. If not, well the sun will rise all the faster, if I get to work, and meditating and merging with the energies the gates and certain entities, is something I’ve been planning since I picked up all of this grimoires.

Side note, I think I will get some colored polymer clay, and remake these tablets, and the others I want to make. If I used colored squares of clay, after I bake it, it will be easy enough to copy the symbols over it in sharpie, and polymer clay also has a smoother texture than flour and salt clay does. I will be much happier with those, and this was a good trial run, but it’s far from great.

I ended up taking a nap first of course, and not getting to my ritual until later in the evening. I was glad I decided to wait though, because my wand came right before I laid down. I had pretty simple plans but once again prep time seems to take me at least 3x longer than I expect it to. Just setting shit up and getting it out and all of that.

I noticed when I was trying to imagine opening the gate of Ocat, that I might be doing something wrong. It just felt like, this who essentially use my energy to part the veil was the approach. I’m not sure why I had this revelation now instead of previously, but maybe it was the first time I’ve able to perceive it.

See I have a confession and it’s totally ridiculous, but I used to stand out in the alley, at the homeless shelter and smoke, all times of day or night, because it’s me. Usually I was trying to stay up later than anyone else there so I could have private time. Sometimes I got spooked out there, but not usually when the moon was out. I was still pretty new to energy work and all of that, in fact I’m not sure I’d ever read anything about it, but I used to stand there and imagine as I breathed in, I was sucking up the clouds, away from the moon. Eventually, I could see the moon again. It was so ridiculous I’ve always considered it natural coincidence- the wind moves the clouds, has nothing to do with me, and the fact I didn’t see the clouds shuffle away, doesn’t mean jack shit.

But, I got the impression that was exactly how I should handle opening the gates. Rather than slamming the veil with my energy, or using my energy to pry it open, wouldn’t it be easier to remove what is in my way? I an always use that energy to patch it back the fck up when I’m done right?

Well I felt rather bat shit crazy , but that’s what I did. I imagine I was drawing the energy in through my hands, and the longer I imagined that the bigger the hole got, at first I couldn’t tell I was doing anything. Then I could see like a small opening through which I could see to the other side. Then eventually it grew so large, that I could see the entirety of both gates. That was kinda cool tbh.

I opened my personal gate the same way. I don’t really have anything noteworthy to say, other than the experience was almost the same as last time, with the dirty blond girl, and she waved when she went around the corner and back through the gates at the end. Odd as fck but you know the rules. Do weird shit, weird shit happens. Just facts of life.

When I called on Hecate, things felts a bit different today. Maybe because my intentions were different? Maybe because I was more in control of myself and my fears and all of that and I was operating like me, instead of some scared little shit head that doesn’t know what they are doing? No idea, I just know the air felt colder. I had chills and goosebumps and all that fun stuff.

I really didn’t do much more than that, other than a pillar rite to charge my tools, and then essentially meditating to allow myself to merge/become acclimated to the energies. I didn’t have a set amount of time or anything, so I sat there and it almost felt like every pore on my body was breathing the energies in and out. It was almost like, it was me and I was it and it was just flowing, back and forth across a semipermeable barrier. Like waves of the ocean, but over the coral reef- or something. But then perhaps that’s exactly what it was or what it was supposed to feel like. Eventually I began to feel a bit sick to my stomach, found my thoughts were far away and in places they did not belong and decided it was time to call it.

After I closed the gate, I discovered I was around the two hour mark in ritual and packed up my shit for the night.


Fcking A I can’t remember ritual photos for shit.


I am sitting here, contemplating the same operation that I’ve been contemplating since last night. See, I have a date with a shadow, but it’s not an ordinary shadow. I really don’t want to get into the details and the ramblings it would take to explain, but lets suffice to say that it’s now a part of me, but not fully as of yet- guess I didn’t realize I needed to do anything to allow the rest of the merge and it’s origin, is not from me. What you need to know, is it came from someone, who loves me with all that he is, and all that he was, quite possibly with all that he will be.

My little shadow friend has a name, and well it knows mine really well. That was actually how I came to know he was with me- I could hear him call my name audibly. To point of being sure I was finally loosing my shit and more than a few of us were confused. Lets suffice to say that two months of balgs best on the project finally led to me feeling comfortable projecting to the shadow, and then when the suggestion I can put it inside of you, so that it’s easier to deal with, was made, I readily agreed based on the impressions, the feelings and the knowing I got around situation, and what it meant and would be like, to have the shadow within me.

Not much changed to be honest, other than I did notice he rarely startles me when it calls my name now, and well momma witch suddenly wasn’t really a problem anymore- so clearly the protective duty the shadow was sent for, has been going well. Yes I know how is it protecting me, if someone can influence my cards? I think that is because the cards are not me or an extension of me. They are a tool. It’s like going to the kitchen and getting a fork for my spaghetti so I can eat. I go to the occult box and get the cards so I can divine. At least that’s where my thoughts have landed on the subjected. Of course I say that but the last two weeks or so, the little fucker has really been trying to get my attention.

I realized quite literally last night that when @Empress_Arianna read my circle in October, she mentioned a shadow in my circle, protecting me. He handed her a slip of paper that said Full Moon. I never did figure out what that meant, lol, but I think due to the current situation, I inadvertently have months later. See, I first noticed the shadow the second week of November, but I had dismissed it thinking I’d heard my name being whispered next my ear, days prior. So interesting little note, it may have arrived on 10/31/20- the full moon. Yet I’m not sure it really matters other than helping my mind follow how things have occurred, with more knowledge than I previously held.

Now the point of all this random bullshit, is I need to make a date with my shadow friend. I don’t know if I mentioned in the threatening Two’s dream, but when I was walking into the building, after looking at the note written in blood- I got a flash of the shadows image. I knew the note was from him, but I’m not sure I mentioned it to anyone, because I know it sounds like my shadow friend is threatening me. I don’t believe that is the case, it was a dream after all and sometimes you have to find a way to draw attention. I also realized later that the odd menthol cigarette pack, was the same color, though without the details as the cigarettes the person who sent the shadow, smokes.

So I got the memo, but it took me a minute to put some of it together. If you’ve ever watched Stranger Things, in the first season where the psychic girl meets her mom, and then has a weird event leading to her saying Momma wants to talk, that’s the way I want to say this lol. The shadow wants to talk. I understand the shadow is upset with me, because I find that I’m pursuing a relationship that well. If it does work out by some chance, it will mean I’ll never be going back to the past. I’d prefer to keep it between me, them and the gatepost, on how exactly I know that, but you can let it go at, I know that.

I’ve even thought long and hard about what would I do if the past and the potential future land at my door step at the exact same time. Do you go with the past because you know it and love it, and know how great it could be if you work through the traumas, or do you go with the potential future, that could be just as great, or even better because it has no past traumas?

I probably don’t need a weigh in from the peanut gallery on the subject, I think it’s one of those things that each person would weigh in differently and a poll would come up near close to equal, if all details about all things were shared and known by all voting. So I think we can pass on that, I’ve spent the last two weeks thinking and I have reconciled my heart and mind about the subject and I know IF that were to happen, I’ll make the right choice for me, whether or not anyone would ever agree with me. I’m rather used to being the lone wolf instead of running with the pack, so whatever happens in that regards, happens.

I seem to always been on a ramble of one sort or another but to get back to the shadow, it seems to be upset about my choices and so I’d like to speak with it, but that in itself presents a challenge to this image-less mind of mine. I’ve tried projecting to it and failed several times, and it finally occurred to me that I’m going about it all wrong now that it is in me Projecting to something that is a part of me, has got to operate a little bit differently than projecting to something that is not within me, does. I kept thinking that well. If I could visualize, I’d visualize going inside myself and find it, but how do you find something, when you can’t see till you’re out of your body… The natural answer would be to feel for it, and I think that is part of it. But I also have to wonder, if opening my personal gate, would also be a key to the overall question.

I usually feel like I’m decent with energy, but the point of opening the gates is to increase all things energy wise (Sorta kinda, part of it) so if I open my personal gate, then feel for it, it might be easier. But my communication skills vary by type of spirit, it’s not fully merged with me yet and I might experience nothing. My thought is well, if I do this and experience nothing, it might be worth attempting to project to the shadow with my personal gate open, or through my personal gate, or even falling asleep and seeing if it can come forth more strongly than it was able to in a normal sleep cycle. It managed to pass me a note, but in the previous dream it was not able to, or did not want to come forth itself, I’m not even sure if it fully can, as it’s within me. It was able to deliver a message however and affect my dreamscape. If it could appear in my dreams that would almost be like meeting myself, within a dream, or when I replace myself in someone else’s dream, while dream walking- so I’m not sure if it can’t or won’t.

Naturally I have concerns about putting myself into a vulnerable positions while gates/portals are open. I think shielding and warding my space is most certainly warranted and then of course to consider, do I need to open the gate of Ocat as well as my personal gate. I think the answer to that is no, there are many gates that can be opened and while picking and choosing the order can effect the energies and how strong manifestations are, I can’t see any reason that I need to open the gate of the dead, to open my personal gate, other than that’s how I’ve been doing it because of the nature of the operations to date. It could possibly enhance the situation but I also think it’s a little more risky as far as what could come through while I’m away taking care of business.

But even still, is safe to leave my personal gate open for any amount of time, while I am essentially checked out?

But didn’t I dream about portals and essentially binding them to paper with drawing out the closing key, and that if someone had that paper, they had control of the portal and whether or not it could be open?

Oh yes I did. Is it possible, that there was more to that dream than just good ‘ole fun and interesting contemplation? Possible yes, likely I guess I will have to let you know if I figure it out. All of this rambling is headed towards where I am about to go- To my personal gate, on a date with a shadow, to see if I fill in some of the gaps and if the conclusions I made about how to finish the merging and access it’s abilities on other planes are correct. I don’t have a closing key for my personal gate, but I think I can figure out how to handle that, as far as getting something onto paper goes.

It really sounds kinda ridiculous to my logical mind, but I guess we’ll just have to see. Things just don’t usually knit together this neatly so, I’m a little wary but goodness knows I rarely let that stop me for long before I just have to find out for myself.

Yes, Imma leaving you waiting to see what happened, cuz Idk how to share that and because well I have kids this weekend so it will be the last entry for the week!


Bam! I’m am the Queen Goddess of things that were, things that are and things that have not yet come to pass …

:laughing: or I just watch LOTR too much. :two_hearts:
But it’s always cool to hear feed back from my circle readings.


Oh it was amazing and I knew you were onto something. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:It’s kinda sad it took me six months to put it all together tho lol… :roll_eyes:


2/25/21 Shadow Messaging

I only slept about four hours yesterday. I tend to be off schedule due to lack of outsider stimulus in my life, and being somewhat confined due to the weather. I do much better keeping my shit together, when there’s someone else in my lifetime that has obligations outside of the home. I also tend to be easily affected by energy and new operations. Almost every time I start something new, I go through a period of days or weeks where sleep just seems like it doesn’t want no part of my life anymore. Some days, that’s quite alright. Others I just want the comfort that being asleep brings to this life.

Being already somewhat sleep deprived however, and knowing I’m essentially a day and half from having my kids for the weekends, it seems like this morning would be a great time to try out all the thoughts I’ve been contemplating, or at least some of them. Goodness once I’m in an operation, it doesn’t always go the way I thought it would, but I like to have an idea of the game plan and how I intend to handle whatever encounters occur. I’ve pretty well already covered all my theories, so I feel like we can skip covering the plan line by line and just get right into the operation and how it went.

I ended up not doing things in a super ritualistic manner. I’m not sure why, I just suddenly felt like it was time, and that the best way to meet my shadow friend, was to allow him to come through to me. I laid down on the couch, but not like I would to sleep. I rolled to face the inside of the couch, as well quite frankly I usually do my best to face out wards, I learned years ago I’m less likely to attract something watching me sleep, if I’m facing outward and sleeping with a light on.

It was almost daylight, so no light was no big deal. Even when I project from a dark room, there is always a light on, however I’ve yet to figure out why I can’t turn them on, if I go into a dark room. Perhaps because it’s the etheric and not the astral in those cases. Either way everything always feels as solid as being awake does, and I’m off on rambles already. So I snuggled into my blanket and I was cold, so I pulled up over my head, but with my face out as I can’t stand breathing the air under anything- I think it’s my asthma, but the air gets too warm and it’s uncomfortable for me.

I then proceeded to imagine I was opening my personal gate, but I didn’t see anything. I just felt energy flowing back and forth through me, in and out of me while I chanted @DarkestKnight 's mantra for connecting with your inner divinity. You can pretty much just assume, if I’m opening my personal gate from this point on, I will be using this mantra. I may forget to mention it, but I am using the mantra pretty regularly with these workings.

It seems to work, or to do something so I’m not going to create a personal Enn and waste my time when there is already a method that works. I eventually felt like, I was tingly all over, but it was not on a skin level, it was on an energetic level. I was focused, on allowing the shadow to either merge more fully with me, or to do whatever needed to be done for me to communicate with them. I seemed to feel very strongly that allowing the energy to move like it was, was allowing them to become more one with me, though I’m not really sure if that’s true. It’s just how it felt to me.

I soon found myself, watching. It was like watching a movie only through my eyelids or some weird fcking shit. I was watching myself interact with someone else. I somehow knew what was going on, even though I knew the shadow was me. It was almost as if whatever the shadow knew about the scene, I also knew. I recognized where it took place, but it’s not a physical place to my knowledge.

Then the shadow stepped back, and I was me in the next scene, interacting with the person, who mattered from all of the two scenes. I somehow forgot that I was not in my physical body. My eyes were burning, and I ask the person to hand me something, and I rubbed my eyes with one hand, and was reaching for the object with the other…

Then I was looking at my outstretched hand, resting against the couch cushions, and my cat Atropos, was laying on my stomach. She appeared to just be watching me, I kinda just stared back at her for a minute, wondering how the hell I ended up on my back with my eyes wide open and my arm outstretched. Finally she got up and left.

I find it odd, that anytime I’m out of body, I come back and she’s on my stomach or chest. I always leave from one of my sides, and sometimes I can feel her on me, and know that she’s on my physical body even when I’m gone, but she doesn’t sleep with me. Sometimes she lays near my head, but never on me or beside me. So I’m not sure if she’s protecting me or what she’s doing. I do know when I project into my own space, she’s always there though, so I guess if you’re gonna do weird shit, expect weird shit to happen.

I supposed I lied to ya’ll, this won’t be the last entry for the week, but I didn’t know that, when I said it :stuck_out_tongue:


Sounds like she’s acting as a physical anchor for you, so you don’t get lost or so you don’t stay gone too long.


I’m probably high risk for that, considering as hard as I try to get out of this reality some days…


It seems the ones who care for you try to give you a reason to come back into this reality…

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