[Onion's journal]

Quick addition before I forget:

it’s 8am of July 4th, but this happened last night:

A post I saw on instagram triggered memories of my childhood trauama, where I was left alone both physically and emotionally to face everything, it hurt me terribly then, I was only around 14? or something. My brain has blocked out everything, but there was an influx of all those bad memories right before I went to bed.

I was with my sister, I couldn’t really chant verbally Lucifer’s enn, so I did it mentally. I felt his presence, behind me. I physically felt him holding my hand as I went through each memory. I thought I was imagining things at first, but when I tried to move my fingers I felt his fingers, his hand clutching mine.

It was very warm in a comforting way, I felt him wrap his hands around me too, and tell me repeatedly,“I see you, I hear you, I’m here”.

He was there till I drifted off to proper sleep. I kept waking up in between but I could still feel him there.

I would’ve had a meltdown for sure.

P.S: Headache is gone.


July 4th, 2021

Didn’t study today, body is in rest mode. Although I will watch some lesson videos in physics, I’m slacking off. And chemistry. Maybe chemistry, physics I can recall if I push myself. Also need to brush up Calculus. I only need the basics so it’s fine.


Tried building on what I’ve learned about tarot till now (numerology, suits, and court cards). Did a reading for myself.

I need to up my protection as well get some physical shielding asap, everyone’s energy is brushing off on me and it’s draining. Especially my sister’s anger. I’ve tried telling her that the matters she wants me to intervene in is something she needs to confront herself. I’m done being a middle man, was stuck like that since 8th grade and I’ve graduated school now those days are :sparkles: over :sparkles:.

Wanting to paper mache a wings charm, and consecrate (?) it to Lucifer so that I can have it around me. I would’ve made a statue but it’s a big project for all that I have going on right now, plus I can’t really explain why I have a statue on my desk. And I’m very possessive about my things so I wouldn’t want anyone touching the statue or manhandling it. I don’t have a mould so I’m just gonna wing it (pun intended). With the temperature these days it should be done in 3-4 days🤔 it needs to dry well. I don’t have waterproof paint but I do have acrylic paint.

Training with Michael went well. He was a bit mad I was absent without notice yesterday, but I apologized. We practiced old things for a bit then practiced getting more “solid”.

I spent the morning with Hades today. Playing and allowing my inner child to just be. I went out before lunch. I think I saw Persephone too.

I write about Lucifer at last, because I usually can’t stop myself from writing when it comes to him. I went into a trance while chanting his enn, I didn’t hear any messages or see anything, but there was a burst of sexual energy which was difficult for me to divert. It made me too figdety. I recieved what was to be done over this week after it was over- shadow work. I am not done with shame yet. I have not accepted it yet.

Saw a golden orb reflected on my phone screen today.

Went outside my temple today to finally take a look at Camp and how it settled. I see it but the “how to go” isn’t clear yet. I’ll see it in the next few days.

There was something else but I can’t remember what it was🤔

Today’s dinner is dosa :dancer:. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!

P.S: Happy 4th of July to the Americans reading this.

P.P.S: Empaths what’s your preferred way of shielding? (minus crystals and veiling)


I’d say that the Tarot can simply not be understood properly without a good understanding of the Tree of Life in the Qabalah. Crowley explained well why that is the case in his ‘Book of Thoth’, which I recommend reading. The Tarot was originally normal playing cards, but I always thought that was all there was to its origins, but the chances of the Tarot NOT being created by a Kabbalist are practically 0 because of the total and comlete perfection of the system as it relates to the Tree of Life. The 22 Trumps fit perfectly onto the 22 Paths of the Tree of Life, not just in number, but also in image. And the four suits of the small cards fit perfextly with the 4 Elements and the 4 Worlds in the Qabalah, along with there being 10 cards in each suit, corresponding with the 10 Sephiroph in each world, making the small cards fit completely perfectly onto the Tree of Life. And the 16 Court cards perfectly represent the four sub elements of the element of each suit they represent (I.e. The Fire aspect of Water). The chances of this being an accident are astronomical to the point of it being practically impossible.

Before you read Crowley’s ‘Book of Thoth’ however, I recommend reading ‘The Mystical Qabalah’ by Dion Fortune for a good introduction to the Qabalah. She was in the same order as Crowley, although didn’t know him personally, but she also praises his attributions of the Tarot to the various points of the Tree of Life and explains how the Sephiroph relate to each card, so for that reason I think it is an especially good introduction to the Qabalah for someone learning the Tarot. Although, she had different ideas on homosexuality and this was before WW1, so she has some homophobic ideas in the Mystical Qabalah which was also difficult for me to read through, but it is because in those days it was believed (With the works of Freud, who she also references frequently) that everyone is born bisexual. Now we know there is a physical component to it, and if you read the book and contemplate the Sephiroph, you’ll understand why that isn’t an issue when it comes to the Tree of Life.

Afterwards, I recommend reading Lon Milo Duquette’s ‘The Tarot of Ceremonial Magick’, it really is a brilliant book on the Tarot and when I first read it it was like I unlocked a great key to the Tarot, as well as when I then read ‘The Mystical Kaballah’, as the Tarot truly cannot be properly understood without the Qabalah. Otherwise, an understanding of the Hindu Tattwas come in handy for the Court Cards, as well as some of the Hexagrams of the I Ching, and especially a good understanding of the Western Traditional Elements since the Tarot was created in the West.
You’ll also need a good understanding of Western Astrology (in the traditional, non-psychological sense as well as a bit of the modern psychological astrology system) with the traditional 7 Planets and the Zodiac when it comes to the 22 Tarot Trumps, as well as the 36 Small Cards as each one both represents a Decan of each Sign, plus a Sephirah on the Tree of Life which is each also attributed to one of the 7 traditional Planets, Earth, and other Astrological Concepts.

Of course, if you do go into it, practice while you learn. It’s not at all necessary to learn all the attributions at once, and in my opinion practice is a great way for your knowledge of the cards to grow while your knowledge of the attributions grow as well.

After you read the Mystical Qabalah and The Tarot of Ceremonial Magick and contemplate on the Sephiroph and 22 Paths of the Tree, you’ll be able to read Crowley’s ‘777’, which you can find for free online as it is in the public domain. It gives an immense amount of attributions, including to the Hindu gods, as well as Egyptian, Roman, and Greek gods, along with various Hindu and Buddhist concepts, and links it with the 16 figures of Geomancy, and of course, each card of the Tarot, the figures of the I Ching, and an immense amount of more attributions. When your knowledge on each of the attributions grow then so will your knowledge on the Tarot, and when your knowledge on the Tarot grows, likewise will your understanding of all the other attributions.

After reading The Tarot of Ceremonial Magick, I highly recommend reading Crowley’s ‘Book of Thoth’, which makes some truly brilliant points especially in the introduction, although it will be difficult to understand much of his explanations of the cards unless you have a good understanding of the Egyptian, Greek, Roman, and Hindu faiths and traditions, as well as some cultural references such as the Green Man, Galahad, and so on, as well as an understanding of various concepts in Alchemy, and of course Astrology. And for the court cards, again, knowledge of a specific 16 of the Hexagrams in the I Ching come in handy, for which I recommend ‘The Complete I Ching’ by Taoism Master Alfred Huang, but Crowley gives a pretty good explanation of each one.

It can be difficult to read the Book of Thoth, but I do recommend reading it at least once, then afterwards reading ‘Understanding the Thoth Tarot’ by Lon Milo Duquette if you plan on using Crowley’s Thoth Tarot deck. And I really do think it is “the deck of all decks”, and I highly recommend getting it. Although you should know that the Thoth Deck tradition is different from the Rider Waite Smith tradition. After learning these Qabalistic attributions, you can still use a RWS deck with them, but something will feel incomplete.


The book does say it’ll cover the Tree of Life in later chapters, so I’ll re-check if it’s included. I’m adding all those books to my list. Thing is I’m using Kindle Unlimited, and I’m thoroughly looking for books that are usually recommended. The GoM books I’ll have to buy, the I Ching and for the Qaballah I only had heard of the Chicken Qaballah book. I don’t know if the Q and K make a difference, I don’t know much about it. But I did not know about the other books so I’ll look into those as well. I can’t spend too much on various books because they’re a bit expensive for me to purchase right now, especially with all the fiction/fantasy books I also want.

I do want to have the. Thoth Tarot Deck, it’s brilliant and ticks all the boxes I have when it comes to preferences. I only have the Nostradamus deck, which I won in a giveaway. I wanted to buy the classic RWS deck but I very strongly wanted to get a tarot deck no matter what it is, because I was managing with Barbie trump cards with playing card symbols on it.

Crowley’s books are also on my tbr, and I really appreciate the ordering you mentioned. There’s so many of them.

Thank you for the recommendations! I’ll surely look into them!:purple_heart:

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Mystical Qaballah isn’t on KU but Israel Regardie’s book is. Would you recommend it?

There’s also this:

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5th July, 2021

Day 1:

I’ve laid out the “skeleton”. The sticks are the unburned parts of sandalwood incense sticks. The “tissues” are old gauze. It’s extremely delicate right now, one of the most delicate projects I’ve started. Because I want every detail to be perfect. I don’t know how I’m gonna do this, I’m flying blind here (unintentional pun) but hopefully I’ll pull through.

Next step in the plan is cutting the paper in feather shapes or shred them into tiny pieces, dip them in the glue paste and first follow the skeleton then overlay them. One side first, after it’s solidified I’ll move on to the next side.

I have been heavily procrastinating my studies again. I don’t like it but I’m trying my best here :pensive: . Went to the market today, didn’t stay out for too long. The people are too reckless.

I was up from 3:20-4:30 AM last night, I was very bored.


Training with Michael went well, also did a cord cutting with his help between my ex and me.

Spent some time with Hades today.

Was finally able to unlock what Lucifer was trying to help me understand. My shame isn’t my shame, it’s also trauma. Hit the nail :grimacing: was not very pleasant and was uncomfortable to face as well.

Did a meditation using sound bowls music after it.

Today’s dinner is okra bhujia with roti. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!


6th July, 2021

I was about to leave this, just write “crappy day” and post like an edgy 14yr old kid whose girlfriend broke up with him and now the world is bleak. See, today was a crappy day. My mum said some extremely hurtful things to me early morning, at like, 6:30am, and they were a stab to my heart. I couldn’t think of anything else and was just very very very low.

I couldn’t study, which brought me down even more. I do question if I’m studying for myself or for my parents, and the answer is for me, but also masking it for my parents. Sometimes I wanna tell them “Hey I’m learning magick, when I’m scrunching my face it’s not because I’m arguing with a boyfriend/girlifriend it’s because I can’t understand wtf is written.”

Ah well, not now. Not yet. Last time I opened up it went horribly wrong.

Then I meditated with Lucifer’s enn, and things got a little better.
(You ever see his name anywhere and get this immediate burst/wave of love?:purple_heart:)

Went for a walk, focusing on “seeing” things closer.


Continuing with the walk: inspired by Fuego’s journal, I’m learning from what he writes and his experiences. I just read it though, and followed my gut for the rest. Saw many small things, and butterflies too. They circled around me when I passed by their bush and one almost flew into my face. Mood changed drastically.

Not a lot of training with Michael today, talked very briefly with him because I was in a really bad mood and didn’t have the energy to keep up with him.

Did not meet Hades for a long time today as well, only in the morning.

Continuing with the meditation with Lucifer: also couldn’t meditate for as long as I wanted. There’s a construction going on beside my house and the noise is…well. My 3rd eye has been randomly pulsing after the mediation. I took a nap after, seeing his sigil flash while I slept.

Did not read the Tarot book either.

Watched a Shiv Tandav.

Watched E.A’s seminar on energy work and soul travel.

Today’s dinner is curry and roti, I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!

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I have not read it yet sadly but I’ve been meaning to read his “Tree of Life” work instead as it was recommended to me over the other one, so I believe it may be better for learning the Tarot especially. But of course you can try Garden of Pomegranates as well. I also haven’t read the other work from Raika Charlote.

And the difference when it comes to the letter is usually when it spelt with the K, it refers to the Jewish Kabbalah, when it is spelt with the C, it usually refers to the Christian Cabala, and when it’s spelt with a Q, it usually refers to the Hermetic Qabalah. But it’s not a hard rule so you find they will be intermixed a lot of the time.


Thank you!

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K C Q is spot on accurate, K also divided into Luranic and Orthodox…


7th July, 2021

Man some poeple will give you a task at 9:00 and expect it to be done by 8:55. Mum told me that I need to get my picture clicked for when the exam registration forms release. I have to do it myself. It’s not that much of a problem but it’s too hot in the morning and it started raining in the evening. I’m just hoping she doesn’t get angry again. I’ve already been told that she won’t involve in anything so 🤷‍♀ it is what it is. I’m just too anxious, I don’t wanna go out alone.

Anyways, today was probably the most productive day I had in months. I’m proud of myself. I studied, I powered through. I’m a bit tired but I’m taking rest to not burn out. I’m not forcing myself to stay up and taking naps when my body needs it, I’m respecting myself. And I’m proud of that.


Finally resumed the Master Protection Ritual from Magickal Protection. I’m getting out of my funk. I have 10 days…I want to make sure the 21 ahead are consecutive.

Working with Michael after this post. Plan is to do it “open eyed”. I’m having communication problems, so I’m gonna practice on that along side the usual training.

Spent time with Hades early morning, checking in and chatting for a while.

Took out my guitar and learned the chords of a song Lucifer seems to enjoy. Also sang it a little. Tomorrow I arrange the notes. I’ve forgotten how to play Seven Nation Army, so will practice that too. Meditation with pavleisdead and V.K’s Lucifer meditation music.

Focused on the sounds while doing so. Heard ringing in my ears and cold in my right side, and hot on the left side. Telepathic communication. I sometimes hear words in the ringing.

I took a nap after it, got some glimpses of something but I can’t recollect it properly.

Swapped scans with my friend, did divination on it. Received gnosis which confirmed it.

My dog (2nd) was very low and gloomy and overall tired since a few days, after doing my protection ritual I went and cleansed his aura. He walked away before I could cleanse him more ( ̄. ̄). Removed what we call the “nazar”,i.e, evil eye twice. There’s a simple way to do it if you don’t know how:

Take your hands, place them in front of you and twist your wrist around the body or thing-
both turn in opposite directions, left goes anti-clockwise, right goes clockwise. Do the motion three times and crack your fingers, close it into a fist and gently press against your temple. You can use salt too, a general aura cleanse which you might already know.

Fists full of salt, circle it anti-clockwise around the body (both hands) and wash it away.

Done! It works for small bad/unwanted energies.

I want to do the salt cleanse too, but doggo’s up and running right now so it’s hard to keep him still​:joy: He gets the evil eye way too easily :frowning:

Will read the tarot book after training with Michael.

Today’s dinner is…well. Things I don’t like the texture of but food is food. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!

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Also if you’re doing shadow work and don’t have access/resources to a therapist this is an amazing channel to watch:

It obviously doesn’t replace therapy but it’s an alternative? Almost. I mean, if you’re someone who can’t go to therapy or afford it then it’s helpful.


Quick dream highlights, the details will be going in my BoS:

-Raphael rescuing someone from drowning water

-Buying chocolate milkshake for Michael???

-Rescued person was “passed on”, like a parcel, to someone else

-An old friend

-A university with an Occult block

-A professor called Aleister Crowley??? (might be because I was reading about him before I went to sleep).

Woke up with ringing in my right ears.

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8th July,2021

Today was a busy day. We were clearing up grandma’s stuff so I couldn’t study much. I was thinking about getting an oracle deck, or a RWS deck, and a reader I follow is doing a huge giveaway where both are one of the prizes. I participated, I’ll try my luck.

I also need to arrange my shelf, it’s very cluttered.

I don’t like drying laundry. I will wash it, I will do the laundry, but I don’t like drying it. I can’t reach the wires and I always get scolded if the clothes don’t dry properly because they’re not hung well ( ̄. ̄)


Spent time with Hades in the morning and afternoon.

Lucifer told me to check in with Mother Lilith, so I did that.

Chanted V.K’s hymn for Michael, I could keep going and going. I loved chanting it. I was worried about mispronouncing the words since it’s in latin, but after the 1st time the words just flowed. I could even give it a rhythm the 2nd time! My face was flushed after it, apart from that and buzzing in my hands and feet there was no physical affects. Something changed though, it’s veryyy subtle. I can’t feel it but I look at myself in the mirror and there’s just something different.

Meditation with visualization of Lucifer’s sigil. The sigil started burning and dissapeared into the darkness. Today I was feeling the temperature, and focused on listening. I heard a phrase today. I meditated, with the sounds of a koi pond in my earphones. I lied down this time and drifted off to a half-asleep, half-concious state. I saw a picture, something for me to draw because I’ve been jumping to want to draw something related to the occult. I could see the borders very clearly, but not the center.

I thought back to me wanting to make oracle cards, and mid-meditation I realised I didn’t want to make it on paper since it bends. A few hours later I found a bunch of cardstock (THANK YOU​:sob::purple_heart:)! So now I can proceed with the project! :confetti_ball:

(please don’t ask about the charm, I haven’t shredded the papers yet.)

After that meditation/nap I opened my eyes and saw a small ball of light on my right, which slowly went up and disappeared. I questioned if it was just something I made up but I’d like to believe it was something real.

Went for a walk, focused on hearing different sounds as well. Occasionally could hear someone talking who was very far. Then talked to my mum during the rest of the walk so it was very brief.

Will read the tarot book after this.

Today’s dinner is curry and roti. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!

9th July, 2021

Studied for a bit, then got distracted so I didn’t really do much. Mood is good. Went for a walk.


Did a tarot reading for myself, on what’s subconsciously blocking me.

Past- Ace of Cups in Reverse
Present- The Wheel of Fortune
Future- Two of Pentacles

More insight on the past card- Three of Swords in Reverse.

I’m on a mail list? of a tarot service. I get a weekly tarot reading in my inbox. I’ve been continuing with it since 2018(after graduating 10th grade), and it’s always been accurate. I used to get 3 of swords every other week in 11th grade! And a lot of Wands in 12th grade. After I was done with school I started getting Cups and now I’m finally getting a mix of suits.

Tried a guided meditation for working on Clair senses. It was written in the description (which I almost skipped) that it had Archangel Raziel’s help. I was really sleepy, and fell asleep in the middle of it. I woke up, took a 15 minute nap.

Then I played Lucifer’s meditation music. I was drowsy at first but then I found myself sitting on sand. Lucifer was sitting in front me (black wings, fiery golden eyes). We were both sitting inside a circle and there was fires burning on both sides (outside the circle). He also talked me through the senses.

His hands on my eyes, “You now see”
His hands on my ears, “You now hear”
His hands on mine, “You now feel”
His hands on my temple," You now know"
He got up and turned back, “You now understand”

He walked out of the circle, and I followed after him. We entered a castle, it was huge, with spires. There were torches outside it. I stood in the middle of a hall, and looked at the roof. The roof which I saw in my meditation yesterday, in black and white, was now above me in full color.

While I was observing the details, Lucifer went up to his throne. When I turned to look at him, I saw an extremely long flight of stairs. Then I heard,“Climb up”.

So I did.

I was not wary, I was not scared.

I went up the stairs till I was directly in front of him. A snake had coiled itself around him, and then it reached out to coil itself around me. Then the floor I was standing on gave in and I fell down into a tunnel thingy.

It was filled with water. I was too panicked because it was extremely dark and I couldn’t see anything. Then I remembered the snake, and felt it biting me. It felt more of a pinching sensation to “wake up” than it did of actual snake bite. I calmed down then, and gathered myself.

Then I saw a light approaching from my left, and Lucifer was there (very fucking quickly) and started attacking. I dodged in autopilot, because I had practiced the exact same moves with Michael. One had me grabbing his vambrace, and although Michael is much much stronger than me, he always stopped at that point. Lucifer did too.

I spoke out loud, that I trust him, that I trust Lucifer, that he won’t hurt me, and that I’m not scared of him. Verbally stating my complete faith in him, and that although my lessons might give me pain, I understand that it’s necessary.

Then I was out of the castle, I went back to the door and knocked. It didn’t open so I knocked louder and called for him. Then someone told me that he’s out for now, so I sat down to wait for him to come back.

I was very tired after that ngl. The meditation ended. It was very weird but something I’ll understand in the future, and occasionally reflect on.

I also got a UPG on the Christian God. I don’t know if I’m allowed to share it tho…

Sang the hymn for Michael, but kept getting interrupted.

The tarot book is over, the card interpretations are left. I have an overview, I’ll pick up the Qaballah book tomorrow.

Spent some time in the morning with Hades.

Will train with Michael now, and study.

Today’s dinner is aloo paratha😍 I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!

Edit: Michael suggests I use this while training open eyed, I have fun with it.

Yes it lights up.

:heart: :heart:

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10th July,2021

I didn’t forget this, I was busy. Did not study today, I’ve been procrastinating again. Went out today for quite some time as well.

Today I was also very much offended by my sister. To not overshare again, and write out a ramble, I shall keep it at that. Let’s just say it was a “You die or live long enough to see yourself become the villain sort of situation.”

I wanna watch Batman again.

I always thought I was done with a part of shadow work, but when I went out I realised I still had to release some things.


A bit unproductive.

Couldn’t spend time with Hades, I really want to increase my time with him, but not doing that is completely on me. When he’s around, I’m a lot more grounded and able to follow through most of the tasks I set for myself. While Lucifer gently (or not so gently when I need it, although that has rarely happened till now, it’s still too early for me to comment on it) pushes me, today I felt it was Hades’ energy which helped me in discipline. So I apologised, and said I’ll make more active efforts and follow it. His energy is like a rock I leaned on, but not knowing at all that it was him. And I’m a bit…unhappy that I just procrastinated on my time with him. I wasn’t prepared the last time, but this time it’s on me.

Chanted Michael’s hymn. Only 3 times, I was im a very distressed state when I was, then I got interrupted too so I couldn’t hold it together for long enough to chant it 7 times like I usually do (the recommended is 3 or 7 times). Didn’t train with him either.

Meditated with pavleisdead’s Lucifer music, J. Dilla sunbeams edit version. We talked but I forgot to write it down, and now I’ve forgotten it completely. It’s still “downloaded” but I can’t actively recall it. Energy today was warm, different than the regular buzzing energy. I saw what was needed to finish the drawing. I’ll finalize it tomorrow. Then ink it. I also got watercolor paper today, so I can finally learn how to paint now.

Didn’t start the book.

Didn’t do the Master Protection Ritual.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be able to pull through…

There was a visualization exercise I used to do:
Where I used my arteries and veins as what they are-arteries and veins. Imagining the meridians commonly talked about in qigong, half of the body circulates “lighter” solar energy, and the other half “darker” lunar energy in arteries, this in turn would also dissolve and suck out the stagnant and/or bad energy in veins. Going to the chakras (because I don’t know the names of the Tians?) to get “energized”, like the heart oxygenating blood, and back into circulation. Should I make a post about this, I can go into a little bit more detail with this🤔

Today’s dinner was dosa😍 I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!

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12th July, 2021

I didn’t post yesterday, because I was in a terrible mood and my mood swings and anxiety were peaking because I kept being triggered. Along with realising that my mum might be lowkey homophobic was…not good. I just hope she doesn’t out me someday, she’s quite reckless when it comes to it. Today I’m better.

I studied a whole chapter in Biology, done something in Chemistry and will do Physics after writing. Today is the deadline, I have 1k left to write.


Spent time with my guides yesterday, and with Lucifer and Hades. Also watched a pick-a-card on YouTube for a lil pick-me-up.

Today, I started the day with a book on the Qaballah.

I offered incense to Lucifer and Hades.

Meditated with Lucifer’s enn, talked to Hades.

Talked a bit with Michael, will do more when I get some alone time.

Went for a walk, saw a feather on the way back.

Colored in the drawing I was making with Lucifer yesterday, he did 2 slices. And I think it’s pretty evident which one he did😂

Sadly, the sketchpen run out. So I couldn’t continue.

Today’s dinner is cabbage curry and roti. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.

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“Low vibrational” is not sadness or anger, rather it’s a stagnation in the grey area. Extremes or even small waves of emotions are good. You can harness the extremes to yield power, by tapping into the primal instincts. Both ends of the spectrum have high vibrations, but different polarities (potential as in physics), but it’s stagnation that becomes a breeding place for vulnerability (think of stagnant water becoming a breeding place for mosquitoes).

If you keep suppressing the “darker” emotions, you’re condensing it into something small, but with a lot more density. Eventually, it will cause obstructions and choke you when you need it most (i.e, not speaking up out of fear that you’ll say something with bad consequences) or in worse cases, stopping you completely or releasing itself in a way that will be a lot more painful than it would’ve been if you didn’t condense it, and let it flow and let it be. That being said, it’s not good to stay in one frequency either. It’s good to move around and understand which aspect is needed when~

13th July, 2021

Academically done nothing till now. I’m very…confused. Not even confused, it’s just that, when you’re called “lazy” enough times you start to think if you contribute to anything. And it hurts, because you’re then doubting yourself. This for me, has been a major cause of lack of self-esteem. I’ve worked on my body image but I’m still learning how to respect myself and hold my boundaries.

Confrontation only comes back to bite me in the ass, so I just left it. Feeling lonely…it’s not pleasant.


TMW you pull cards for a situation, the outcome with the method you dislike is the King of Pentacles, and the outcome of the method you like is the Page of Wands in Reverse.


Finally reached out to my ancestors today. I was consulting them about the same situation, and I thought of a memory which had hurt me and the cards literally crashed into each other hard and fell down.

I found a Homeric Hymn for Hades today, I read it out loud to him and he seemed to like it. I enjoyed reciting it too!

In the afternoon, I followed the Trancework tutorial by Darkest Knight, when I was in Alpha I visualized Lucifer’s sigil, and chanted his enn thrice. I found myself sitting on a desk in a huge empty room, facing away from the door. The door opens and in walks Lucifer. He was wearing a suit today. He told me what I should improve on, and taught me something…I keep forgetting to make notes immediately and now I forgot what it was. He guided me through the steps to something

I think I saw a shadow person today😳 I thought it was my own shadow but it didn’t move with me. It was on(?) my door, the room was dark. Only sunlight peeking in from below. It was super creepy, I just nervously said “come and go in peace” and threw a peace sign…it’s fine right? I’m not gonna be in trouble?

I dreamed of a chunky black feather last night, heck it probably was a whole wing but I remember holding this huge black feather, and I saw one during my walk.

Memorised Michael’s hymn, will work with him on a few more things. I always feel this brotherly love towards him and from him. He already has this guardian energy but it feels different, like we’ve known each other for ages. He’s very cool, I enjoy the time I spend with him.

I watched C.Kendall’s 1st section on Baneful magick, I was following the meditation but I got interrupted :sob: Now, I kept baneful magick aside not because it’s dangerous, but because I consider it a intermediate to advanced thing. BUTTT I just felt so drawn to it, you know? Like this is something I should learn rn, I was very focused absolutely nothing could distract me while learning from that video (except being shaken, of course). I’ve been feeling angry with what I’ve been told these past few days, or triggered by something and I always asked myself why do I feel so angry? what am I angry about?

Today’s dinner is Pastaaa :dancer: I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!


14th July, 2021

I am very, very, very tired of my mother. There, I’ve said it. She’s aware but not mindful, constantly guilt-trips and has a victim mentality. She says she doesn’t want control but gets weird when we well, don’t give her control. She gets mad if we mess something minute, but doesn’t say thank you when we do do something for someone who puts so much emphasis on being verbal. It doesn’t affect me emotionally anymore but I’m just so so so tired with it. Ugh.

My guides and ancestors have been telling me to take a damn break, because I’ve been unconsciously in a fight-or-flight mode for too long. So that’s what I’m doing, I’m taking a break. I did swatches of my watercolors, and will paint some more.

Didn’t do much with magick today except spending some time with Lucifer and Hades. Today I watched someone talk about Lucifer and my heart suddenly filled with so much love for him I could’ve cried, but then the comments had bad things about him which made me very sad, and angry. He’s such a wonderful spirit, I wish people could understand that he’s not “evil” :pensive:

Michael also told me to take a break yesterday, so I’m just gonna check in with him today too. I also watched a few short videos on Lilith which hit the nail…

Today’s dinner is rajma curry and roti. If anyone of you have any tips on dealing with my mum, please tell me. I’m so tired :sleeping: I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!