[Onion's journal]

I hope I’m doing this right? If I’m not please let me know, I’ll surely fix it.

I am gonna try and continue this…digital journal on this forum because I can hardly keep a physical one. Putting it here will help me be accountable and it’ll become a habit in the long run. I do struggle a lot with changing habits but change is absolutely necessary for me right now.

I feel heavy after 12pm, the kind of heaviness that makes your head feel heavy, a physical weight instead of just “being”. I’m at a crossroads at my career- I had one in mind but there are so many options now that I’m completely confused and lost.

It is hard to unlearn something that others have taught me, but to unlearn something I have taught myself is even harder.

Slowly but surely I’m working through what restricts me, it leaves me exhausted but I feel the progress I’m making. A little bit of clarity when everything is murky right now. So shadow work I guess, it’s all very overwhelming if I take on too much.

I also signed up for a writing event and there’s a check point deadline soon, it’s next week and the work count should be 12.5k by then, but I’m still stuck at 7.2k.

I do a reading for myself but it’s very confusing because I can’t bring different perspectives into it. Ah well, tomorrow is a new day and time to do new things. I should probably decide which career I want to go to tomorrow, and start studying for it too.

I hope everyone who’s reading this a good day.

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May 29th, 2021.
19:20.

Duality, Evolution and Potatoes.

I have accomplishments today! I did a banishing ritual and have decided to include some rituals in my daily routine. I have also decided to stick to the career that I initially chose because well…it’s secure (?) in a sense. I do vibe with it tho.

I also finished a writing prompt I picked up, and helped a friend deflect a love spell her friend (who started witchcraft this January, mind you, I’m lucky I have a mentor and started last year) which was good. I don’t know why many flock to love spells first, maybe it’s the instant gratification? But it’s like telling kids not to do something, they’ll just do it more.

I talk like I have experience, or am old, but Im not.

Talking about instant gratification, potatoes give me that. Blessed potatoes, the brain loves carbs, and my brain specifically loves potatoes. Evolution has gifted us with potatoes, and the ability to cook and eat them, with spices, or simply anything.

But evolution has also resulted in us humans, and some humans still have the monke brain. I will not go into too much detail about this…

Duality is something that I’ve thought long and hard about. It is in a way, subjective, but it is also quite solid. You instantly know if something is good or bad, but there are also incidents where it’s a grey area.

I was watching a few videos on Demons on YouTube, and what I have gathered is that although they’re not “evil”, a lot of people are still wary of them. As a beginner you’re standing in front of a border, and you see two perspectives of something essentially the same.

I’m not saying all beings are the same, but if they’re two sides of the same coin, at the end of the day they’re still coins. Does it really matter if you use it heads-up or tails-up? I don’t think so.

There’s lots of time for me to decide, I believe don’t even need to decide which path I’m gonna follow in my workings, because as of right now, I don’t think I’ll be having an entity permanently enter my life lest I become co-dependent on them.

I’m not sure if it’s good or bad if I do end up being codependent, but being the same with my guides has earned me a stern “you gotta trust yourself”. That particular aspect, is still far away. I have many things to do before I decide on that.

I’m having glorious potatoes for dinner, I hope anyone who reads this also gets some delicious food for breakfast/lunch/dinner.

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May 30th, 2021.
17:20

I’m doing this a bit early today, and will also try to keep it a bit short.

The first thing I saw today was 4:44, because I thought my dogs were waking me up, but they were still sleeping. I saw even more correspondences today, which is cool.

I was also able to be the cheerleader for myself, which felt extremely good. I’ve started practicing from Damon Brand’s ‘Magickal Protection’ and I can already feel the changes.

I don’t know what’s for dinner today, but I hope it’s good. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day! :purple_heart:

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May 31st, 2021
18:40

Today did not…start out pleasant to say the least. I was hurt many times, because of words from my family and actions they take. Whenever this happened in the past it broke a bit of me, and I always let it happen but I’m different now. I don’t let myself get broken into pieces, but a crack is inevitable right?

There is magick here, magick I can do to help me heal but I’m having doubts regarding my strength to go through it.

There were things I wasn’t even aware of that were hurting me and I’m extremely grateful to Lucifer to help me see them and guide me in working through it, and also enabling me to trust my own strength, that I’m capable of bringing the change I so desire.

Dinner is not something I like today, both in flavor and texture. I hope anyone who reads this has a good day.

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June 1st, 2021
18:55

The day did not start out pleasant, but I did a banishing and picked myself up. Ever since mercury went into retrograde I’ve been forgetting my dreams, I try to write them down but it’s all blank!

Happy pride month to fellow queers.

Today was a mild day, I started doing the Master Protection Ritual and I got a little headache after that, hopefully it goes away in the following days. I can feel the slight changes though, I’m less affected by other’s energies. Especially someone in my family who is almost parasitic, not a vampire.

Today’s dinner is tasty cabbage. I need to get back to writing, deadline is in a few days. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day💜

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As far as doing it right, at least youre doing a journal.
You dont need a specific format, at least not now, just a journal being kept :slight_smile:

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Powerful book that! The Master Protection Ritual will enhance all your magick as well as teach you the way of the Magician by showing you how best to perform magick for YOUR needs, so you can better live YOUR will.

If I can give you advise on this, whichever force you wish to work with for this, make sure it is not a destructive force otherwise you will come out with more wounds which are completely necessary. Always use the appropriate force for the right thing. For internal change it would be a force of Alchemy.


If you can, I’d recommend you get the book ‘72 Sigils of Power’ by Zanna Blaise, it can give you the strength to face this, to work with any trouble inside you, and help you to grow through this, as well as calm your family and turn their hearts. And all in a gentle, constructive, glorious, and powerful way.

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Also to comment on that. When we are aware of Astrology, we can subconsciously fit the attributions of that system. I became aware of a certain detrimental position in my natal chart, and it really impacted me as I subconsciously shifted to fit it. But after I did a ritual in ‘Mystical Words of Power’, that got completely broken in me as I realized it’s not who I am. Ever since then, I no longer have that issue at all and don’t fit that position in the natal chart anymore. And so whenever there is a transition or a retrograde like now, it doesn’t affect me at all. And to the Ancients, it wasn’t meant to affect your mind ALL the time, like your mind and personality is now affected for the entire duration of every transition and astrological event.

Mercury goes retrograde for half a year if I remember correctly, it would be absurd to think everyone’s mind is affected every time that happens, for the entire duration of it, which itself a very modern idea. To the Ancients
transitions and astrological events meant something happening in the lives of people, rather than internally like most think today.
The ritual also really clarified this revelation:

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I see. Me not being able to decide which forces to use was exactly why I was stuck on starting my healing process. Thank you for the blog link, I’ll definitely check it out!
I’ll also check out those books. Thank you for the recommendations!

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Ohkay. Thank you!

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June 2nd, 2021
18:00

This might deviate into a rant at…some point.

My ankle hurts, I can’t flex it too much. It hurts when I sit for too long and then stand up. I also forgot to apply my medicine last night, so I’m setting an alarm for tonight. Alarms because reminders don’t work for me.

One of my pet peeves is when people look up what I answered when they ask a question, and doubt me about it. I’ve repeatedly told them that I only answer if I’m confident that it’s right/valuable, otherwise I just say I don’t know. And not knowing is okay! But they say it in a way that it indirectly calls me dumb, and sometimes I do feel dumb because I don’t score well, I’m scared of it but I’m facing it. I’m falling but I’m trying my hardest to get back up, if I can’t do it alone I’ll find a stick.

Today I have realised some more aspects of myself. Some of the “darker” ones. I made a drawing for my mum today, her birthday is soon and I asked her what she wanted. She said Michelangelo, so I took up the challenge.

I drew the face of Michelangelo’s ‘David’. The face is good but the nose looks like Hitler? :sob: And the mouth like Donald Duck, but I’m proud of it. It took me 3 hours but it turned out good. I showed it to my sis and she just said “nice”.

You could hear the glass shatter (not really, it was my heart).

People do change, but I just feel like those important to me don’t know me anymore.

I’ve been having so many romantic dreams lately, and it just makes me feel all giddy for someone I haven’t even met yet. Maybe soon?Hopefully. So I did what I usually did.

Waste my time on stupid quizzes. They’re fun.

Little me used to love them, and the 19 year old me now loves them too. They’re a way I connect to my inner child and it makes me incredibly happy.

No headache after the protection ritual today. I need to look up the book Dankquanicus recommended adds alarm.

Today’s dinner is Soya, I hope everyone who reads this has a good day💜

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3rd June, 2021
19:00

I almost forgot to do this today😬 I also forgot that I had a deadline. I scared myself with my earphones too.

My ankle doesn’t hurt when I wake up but as the day goes by…ouch. It’s hurting a lot right now, I will massage it today.

My mum loved the card, I was able to fix the nose before giving it to her. It looks like more David and less Hitler with Donald Duck. I did a reading for myself, feeling called out by tarot. Not much happened today other than that.

Today’s dinner is puri, absolutely delicious. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.:purple_heart:

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4th June, 2021
15:30

First, I will clear my throat, incoherent screeching. That was my day. I got interrupted twice while doing my ritual, I found out that my entrance is in 2 months (since I had lost track of time), and I can’t remember sh*t. I’m mildly panicking, both of my ankles have started to hurt now.

At least I could meditate today. I’ve been wanting to connect with Lucifer, so I visualize his sigil and meditate to his enn in the afternoon, because that’s the only time I won’t be interrupted, and I can dedicate it to him. I don’t know how to proceed, but I’m gonna continue this. Today I learned the “why” of some things, and my hands buzzed like he was holding them in his to comfort me.

There’s a post here on spirits that can help me with my exam preparation, but I don’t know if I should petition them or charge their sigil? I’ve commented but there’s no reply yet. If you know the method please guide me ;_;

Today’s dinner is something I don’t know the English name of. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.:purple_heart:

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You can call them forth as you call any spirit. Gaze at the sigil for a while, then say “I call on [Spirit Name]”, and then say their name a few times like you are calling to them. Then give your request.

If you have ‘The Master Works of Chaos Magick’ by Adam Blackthorne, the ritual in there is best to use in my opinion.

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Thank you so much!!!

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5th June, 2021
18:06

I’m close to finishing for the deadline, I’m at 10k words, 3k to go. I’m excited to see which artist I get paired with for the event. My left ankle is still throbbing, but my right ankle is fine. I used the mantras Darkest Knight uploaded, they work really well.

I couldn’t meditate today, and was pretty anxious as well. Then I brushed my dog’s fur and felt better. I still need to do the protection ritual. Someone tried to pick a fight with me in a comment section but I was able to shut it down. I also got a scan today and it was quite interesting, it was confusing too but I’m hoping it’ll get cleared up.

Then our water pump’s wire got cut, god knows how, so I fixed it. The insulation tape might as well have melted into a blob.

Today’s dinner is Dosa, I’m looking forward to it because I love it. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!
:purple_heart:

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6th June 2021
15:40

Doing this early because my word count is 11.5k, I need at least 1.7k more.

I also might be, simply put, an idiot.

I have mentioned before that I meditate with Lucifer’s enn, and I was just reading blogs here and just thought of asking him for help (a few days ago) in increasing my magick because I’ve been doing shadow work for a while. I didn’t directly say it but man does he hear everything. I’ve been getting a sigil magick video recommended to me again and again on YT along with videos on Lucifer- which never happened when I was scourging through YT for info on him.

And guess what I did. I ignored it. It hit me now that I need to pay attention to the basics properly and work from the ground up again. As soon as I realized this there was a “ding!” and I felt he was smiling-in the way that teachers go “you finally got it”.

I have planned what to do today evening and I’m gonna to my hardest to stick to it. Slowly learning to push the Executive dysfunction aside hhh. I do need to work on my self-esteem more, I still doubt myself sometimes.

Today’s dinner will be vada pav, but a different version. Think of it as a spicy, garlicky, Indian version of a burger. It’s freakin delicious. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.
-:purple_heart:

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7th June, 2021
17:30

Yesterday, I asked Lucifer to give me a little push to see what I needed to see in order to evolve myself-to accelerate it to be specific. Should I make a separate journal here to record it? My phone is glitching as I’m writing this-the balg logo keeps blinking too.

Today was productive, I did more than I could last month. I’m learning how to handle my ADHD bit by bit. But it was not good emotionally. I learned many things which I don’t know if I should share, but I’m pretty upset because my sister keeps screaming at me and being angry at me, and noone at home listens to me.

Negative things aside, I felt like I was having an OBE experience while looking at my shadow. It felt out of place, like I was watching reality from a 3rd person PoV.

Today’s dinner is…meh, honestly. (I only get excited when there’s potatoes involved :joy:). I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.
-:purple_heart:

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8th June, 2021
17:17

The weather is horrible. I tried matcha for the first time today, I like it. Apparently it came home for weight loss and I thought it was because I’ve been going on and on about it. Eh, doesn’t matter. Matcha is matcha!

I’ve been getting deviated by other things again so Lucifer put his foot down, and gave me a solid map to follow to reach the point which I was getting deviated about- patchworking. I still haven’t understood the point of ascension, immortality doesn’t seem alluring to me right now, maybe it’ll change.

“There’s still time for you to decide that. Work on these things first, it’ll be good into next year by the time you get this down correctly. Then think about it”, then he patted my head and I was just standing there like ( ̄. ̄). I would share more but this will turn into a short story if I do.

I wanted to meditate but I received a ritual today and I think it drained me, I’m not used to receiving a full on ritual so I fell asleep instead😬

Today’s dinner is Sattu paratha, very tasty. Today’s snack was…hhh. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.
:purple_heart:

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9th June, 2021.
18:07

It rained, which is good because I like that weather. Today I did a Hades meditation and worked on grounding myself. I was feeling very giddy after lunch, the “I’m about to see my crush” kind. Then I saw someone and got even more giddy.

L: Just because someone is near your age doesn’t mean they’re a love interest. Calm down.

He wasn’t wrong tho, I’m someone who has always gotten the short end of the stick in every romantic relationship and I’ve done a lot of healing and worked on myself. I shall not settle for less.

I also know a vampire, he’s sanguinary by nature but his meeting with his donor got cancelled, and it was sort of an emergency so I let him feed psychically on me. He said my energy was dark and slow, but it was “wow”. I’ve been wanting to look into it, but I’m not ready to trade a scan yet. Lucifer looked a little concerned but he let me do what I wished.

There’s not much else to say today. I don’t know what’s for dinner but I hope it’s good. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.
-:purple_heart:

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