20th February, 2022
21:52
Today is…well. There is too much laundry that has piled up and my desk is very messy which I’m not liking tbh. It’s not as messy as lasr time tho.
I finished my assignments in the evening. Thw thing is, last night I was dissociating. For those who don’t know what it means: it’s like having an out of body experience. But it’s not astral projection or anything, it’s extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable.
For the past two nights before I fell asleep I’ve been having these visions? I don’t even know if I’m being shown those or if I’m making that up. But they were so…uncomfortable. It was very unpleasant. Nothing translated here physically but it was quite jarring to say the least.
I was having a gut feeling that said I initiated into the qliphoth. I brushed it off thinking that I haven’t done any ritual so it’s not possible. At lunch time I reached out to Belial asking him if I was initiated without me even knowing. A second later my friend pointed outside the window, and lo and behold, a cat sitting outside.
We don’t have cats in our hostel. Only squirrels and crows.
My friend offered to do a rune reading to confirm if something like this had happened. And he did get a positive reading, as in, yes.
I was shocked and confused. Partly because it was very out of the blue and well, I wasn’t even aware of it all?! Wtf?!
Lilith and Belial are extremely present rn. I don’t feel Lilith around too much but Lord Belial.
He did say he would be back.
I was definitely very intimidated, partly still am of everything that is happening. I don’t have full control of what I see when I’m going to sleep at night. I’m waking up in the middle of my sleep, my dreams are almost lucid. The things I saw, I don’t know if I should write them here? They’re pretty graphic 
I’m doing the summary thing here, because hey if it is the qliphoth I sure as hell wilk document it all lol, but um, trigger warning: (they’re all sexual)
Summary
Summary
The night of 18th, I saw myself tied to a bed. I tried to get up but my hands were tied.
I was wearing a simple white dress, only one layer. The room was dark. Then a creature? Idk wtf it was. It was short, fair and seemed to have like 4/8 legs? The creature climbes onto the bed and went on to try to have sex with me. My feet were free so I kicked it away. It came back up and held my leg down and tried to get closer. I struggled against it’s grip but I couldn’t get free.
I started to get scared now. I called Lucifer. Nothing. I called Michael. Nothing. I started to try to ground my own power and resisted against the ties on my hand.
I felt myself cycle between fear and sheer anger. Getting weak and getting strong. Getting weak and getting strong. This went on for how long, I don’t know. What happened after, I don’t know. I only remember seeing the creature walk out of the room.
The night of 19th, i.e last night. Because I do not wish to disclose, I will keep the name of the spirit anonymous. Let’s call them X. X is very close to me. I saw myself naked on X’s lap. X was also naked. I have had a sexual experience with a spirit before, but this one I only had control over to some extent and not fully. X was sitting on a big chair with their hands on my hips. One hand of mine was around their neck, and the other was running over their body. X bit my neck. I don’t remember what happened next. I remember trying to? idk what the word for it is? I was trying to get on X’s dick but I got scared and stopped. I felt my heartbeat in my ears and immediately fell forward.
I saw both X comforting me, and also me continuing to try and fuck anyways. It was violent and aggressive and not passionate and lustful. It was like X and I would both dissolve into each other or bite each other like animals. Feral, would be the way to put it. But then again, I don’t remember much of this either.
I don’t know which sphere I’m in, to properly do the ritual for it. I have limited resources here. I cannot evoke, I cannot light incense because my roommate has asthma. The only thing I can do is medidate and dreamwork. I cannot afford books because I don’t want to overspend the small budget I have. I only have Vk’s qliphoth book which is free on his wordpress. I will be meditating to Belial after I post this, so that I can ask him about…
this:sparkles:
I cannot say that I’m unfazed by it all. I almost got trust issues with Lucifer and Michael before understanding/accepting that whatever happened was to make me realize my own strength and to use it.
I was feeling nauseous in the afternoon. I couldn’t comprehend what I was writing in my assignment. I don’t even know if what I submitted makes any sense. It was a half dissociative state. Hella weird.
The King Paimon necklace broke 
I pulled too hard and the string broke. It was a weak knot anyways. I will re-tie it.
Man I have a viva tomorrow if I’m in this dissociative state I’ll be in trouble * nervous chuckle*.
The biggest struggle I have right now with this energy shift is not the shift itself. I mean it is, but more than that it’s physically feeling the resistance I have to this shift. I try to let go but the past version of me feels like it’s trying to tighten it’s grip. It’s almost suffocating and heavy. I feel it will bring physical changes with it as well.
That’s all for this entry. I hope everyone has a good day!
:rainbow:
I couldn’t bring the strength from inside out, or build it up like I do in anger where I’ve broked things in the past.