[Onion's journal]

10th June, 2021

Hmm…I almost forgot to do this today. I think I squeezed days worth of shadow work into one. I feel released but also extremely sad, maybe lonely, but I can’t really separate the two rn. I just want love. I don’t like being called “normal” to be honest with you, I want to be different. Because uptil now it never felt I had an identity of my own, and being different is the only way I can get attention. The amount of times I remember being appreciated is outnumbered by the number of times I remember being criticized.

I’m just sad today in general, but it’s not a depressive episode. I think?

On the bright side we got chocolate at home, and the feeling I got that went “oh they thought of me?”- it caught me off guard. My shadow confuses me sometimes. I want to merge it with myself so I can be fully me, and I understand that it’ll take lots of work. It is okay, because I am making progress.

Today’s dinner is cabbage, I hope it’s spicy. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.

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11th June, 2021

Today was better than yesterday. A bit tired and sleepy. I was meditating but fell asleep. I need to work on it a bit more. Apart from protection magick I can’t figure out where to move ahead. I’m doing the ritual from Damon Brand’s book…but I’m confused if I should go with Chaos Magick or the Demons of Magick or Angels of Magick book, since I’m drawn to both sides. A bit in the grey.

I finally was able to study today. I petitioned Duchess Vapula and Andrealphus for their help, and it’s starting to work. I did more than I’ve done in months, so I feel a bit better about myself. I did physics! It’s chemistry tomorrow. They’re awesome.

Lucifer usually comes around at sunrise and leaves at sunset, today I thought of following him after sunset. We walked for a while before he sent me back, because I wasn’t ready for it yet. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I’m looking forward to the day I get to see it!

Today’s dinner was…I don’t know the English name. But it was good. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.

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For 12th June, 2021

I needed sleep, that’s why I haven’t been able to meditate. I forgot to do this last night, and my phone glitched bad after dinner (thank you, guides) so I slept at 9:30. I’m only writing my workings with Lucifer and the grounding.

Today Lucifer came wearing a suit, I was extremely confused. He usually appears to me in either his angelic form or in a more ancient style, sometimes androgynous. I understood why because we were back at school. Specifically the PTA meetings but this time he was replacing my parent(s). He talked as I expected my parents to, but my parents didn’t. Everything- from the receiving of the report card to the snack we get after. Then on YouTube a video about childhood trauma showed up and it was something I really needed to watch.

So yesterday, we worked on my childhood trauma. Not worked per se, but I was ignoring it.

L:This is what’s beyond the “sunset”.
M:My trauma?
M:…it’s not pretty.
L:It never is, but it’s necessary.
M:I don’t think I’m ready to face it yet.
L:Take a break, and we can come back to this. Don’t push yourself for shadow work daily, you’ll end up exhausted.
L: You got it, didn’t you?
M: Yep

Edit: For grounding I made art. Painted citrine. I should’ve chose a better reference pic.

That is all for yesterday, I will update today💪

13th June, 2021

My grandma died. I’m relieved but I’m not sad…or sure about what I’m feeling right now. But the instant joy I felt…I won’t forget it. I was jumping and Lucifer seemed slightly amused, and Hades was concerned why I wasn’t sad (same, to be honest). She was quite toxic and openly disrespectful so, yeah.

Today was a lazy day. Was meditating, but the audio I was playing kept glitching, so I had to unfortunately stop. I could get into that state though, so that’s nice. Felt amazing.

Today’s dinner is…I don’t know the English name. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.

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Why did u hate ur grandma so much…

@Onion how many hours do u meditate per day?
Can u teach me how to do energy work to open my senses?
I can’t feel anything when I work with Angels

  1. I did not hate her, I’m relieved because she was basically running on medication and was also released from a toxic cycle herself. I never mentioned I hated her, I loved her too. She partly initiated me into energy work. But just because I love her doesn’t mean that I will accept the bad things she has done to my family members. Please don’t ask more about this.

  2. I used to meditate for as long as I could hold on since last year. Guided meditations. I got headaches but you gotta power through it to understand what works for you best. It was once a month, then twice, then weekly and now daily. I’m exhausted these days, so I’m having trouble meditating.

Angels and other spirits/entities/beings have a different frequency of energy. Keep meditating and trying, once you start feeling your guides you’ll be able to feel angels too.

  1. I know about chakras only, and not more than that. I’m learning about it slowly. So I won’t be able to help you or teach you energy work. But if you need more info check out the search function, there’s a ton of good information here.

If you want to feel them during the rituals, then that can come naturally as you practice as it did for me. Just don’t purposefully try to feel their energy in the ritual and it will come to you much easier.

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14th June, 2021.

I’m tired and exhausted. I realised a few minutes ago I forgot to do the banishing I do daily. I think I’m still coherent right now is because of a cleansing Lucifer taught me. I think grandma is hanging around, sis is suddenly feeling nostalgic, dogs are barking when they come near me, etc. Pretty sure she joined my grandpa and is one of my guides now…

Finally unpacking emotions, but not shadow work. I keep thinking that I’m not doing anything because I’m not studying for entrance, but I have understood that studying also includes magick, and I might be pushing myself a bit too far by unnecessarily stressing out about it. My insecurities are popping up again.

Today’s dinner is good. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day💜

15th June, 2021

I’m on a break today. Watched a few episodes of Steins Gate, the 1st one is a mindfuck. I’ve also been feeling low since last evening, and Lucifer was in his slightly demonic form. I told him that I feel foggy and drained in general, so he changed his form to the usual angelic one he’s in with me and BOY. It felt like a weight lifted off my head and my headache almost dissapeared, save for the slight pain because of dehydration.

He said I’m either not used to demonic energy(the logo is blinking again, it’s a yes) or I may not be too compatible with it because mt petition to Duchess Vapula isn’t working out as I thought it would (now both the logo and my pfp are blinking, a stronger yes).

I asked if I’ll be able to work with demonic enegies in the future, and he said there’s still lots of time to think about it. So yeah, we’ll work it out. Try a few different methods and test how far I can go.

I was literally so down today morning he had to metaphorically shake me like a salt shaker to get my head right.

Anyways, today’s dinner is fine. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.

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You can become attuned to it as you practice more. When I started, Angelic energy felt very unfamiliar to me and a bit frightening. Seems my soul was demonic at some point before incarnation, which might have something to do with it, or I just never worked with Angels before. But after time I’ve come to really enjoy their energy now, although it took some time. So perhaps just working with demons frequently will attune you to them well.

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I’ll do that. Lucifer did mention he’ll take on that form a bit more frequently so I can adjust to his first. Just a precaution because I’m sensitive and tend to fall sick pretty easily. Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it!:purple_heart:

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@Onion,which demon is good for mental health and alleivating depression?

I don’t know.

16th June, 2021

Long post today

The last thing I’d expect to see on this website is an ad for Jesus, but there it is. It was good when it was anime girls, but now it’s “free! soulmate reading!”, “did you know this?! reveal secrets of the world! FREE!”


I studied today, it was good. I started the Quareia Apprentice course. It also went well.

Pinging @StrengthenedWarrior because you mentioned a gateway, and I talked to Lucifer about it. Thought you’d be interested to know. First he let me think whatever, just sitting silently while my head ran miles about what it can be.

Now the basic scenario when we’re talking is either sitting on a rock in an arid place- at present. Behind us is the past or whatever I need to address, and in front of us the future. I can usually tell the weather by seeing what the sky in “future” looks like.

I haven’t walked ahead, when I did my guides pulled me back. So I talked to Lucifer about the gateway and he told me to wait till sunset. And I did. Almost giddy with curiosity we FINALLY walked ahead today.

There was a big chasm, and by the time we reached there Lucifer changed into his demonic form. I’m just gonna type the conversation now:

L: Look inside, what do you see?
M: ( I peer inside, but can’t figure out anything. So I plop down with my face over the edge and the rest of my body lying on the ground) It looks like the inside of a factory.
L: It’s not really a factory. Look again.
M: It’s too bright, everything is a blob.
L: Where are your glasses?
M: This me has no glasses, it ruins the aesthetic.
L: …(slightly unimpressed)

Lucifer then jumps down into the chasm and I yelp, but he flies back up. I’m still shocked. He takes me and pulls me over the edge so that we’re right above it. (If you’ve seen Howl’s Moving Castle it’s like the walking on air scene, but without the walking)

L: Now what do you see?
M: Still looks like a factory.
L: Try again.
M: (after a few minutes) It’s a…fair? There’s stalls and torches and everything.
L: Correct. It’s a different place, a different “realm” if you’d like to call it.
L: We’ll see how far you can go.

We’re just hanging over it. It definitely feels infernal, or close to it at least. There’s fire, there’s reds and oranges.

M: It reminds me of Montero.
L: But it is not. How are you feeling?
M: It’s fine for now.

After two minutes, M: Air feels heavy, can’t breathe properly.

Then we go out and I fall down on the ground and the breath I took felt so good.

L: We’ll do this again after some time. Maybe tomorrow, maybe after a few days.
M: Not tomorrow, please?
L: We’ll see.

Sometimes I feel I’m a bit too casual with him and it devolves into me thinking if it’s really him, am I doing it right? am I disrespecting him? But he always reassures me. He’s got a lot of patience. A lot. I really appreciate him and love talking to him about my day.

I feel a lil heavy after the exercise but it’ll be better. Today’s dinner is good. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.

17th June, 2021

I’m writing this now, escaping from solving my biology question bank because the anxiety is making me feel like my heart will leap out of my chest. Why can’t I just learn without worrying about marks? Studying magick is a lot more fun and better than doing academics…

My friend wanted a love reading today, so I agreed. I usually stick to 3 card spreads, sometimes 4, but today I received a set of questions and lo and behold! A 7 card spread!

I wanted to meditate after that but I fell asleep. Slept like a pig :sleeping: Not many adventures with Lucifer today, but we did have a good conversation.

I had so much chocolate today…I’ve found that ever since I started working with Lucifer I’m more conscious of what I eat, and I’m also suddenly getting a small sweet tooth. Is this a thing? (I still love spice though).

Today’s dinner is aloo paratha (potatoes!). Very tasty. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!

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18th June, 2021

Today I had a wonder meditation. Absolutely wonderful. I used Lucifer’s meditation music from a channel called pavleisdead on YouTube! It has really good music! Definitely check it out people. My third eye pulsed so much it would’ve started to hurt.

I encountered a thoughtform today, name Azoth after my discussion with @LVX111fer . Lucifer said it’s a personification, but sometimes they feel more than a personification. They don’t like spice though. They wanted to have something sweet but there was only 1 piece left of what I was eating, and the sweet I do save are usually for Lucifer (I gave him cardamom candy once, still not sure if he liked it though).

I shared a Kit Kat with Lucifer today, he liked it. When I was doing my chore after eating the kitkat I found a small feather! It’s white at the beginning and then fades to black. It’s beautiful!

Today’s dinner is okra curry, very tasty. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.


Forgot to add for today: I also had a bad mood swing which almost descended into a full blown meltdown/anxiety attack but Lucifer got me out in time and helped me calm down and regulate my breathing💜


Yesterday I properly met a spirit, which I described here- (Identification help)

I was confused, and questioning names. I will mention that Lucifer had already told me the name, and that was me being “Really? But why? Isn’t it too early?” and taking extra steps to confirm.

And after countless hints (which I’m extremely grateful for, he’s very patient) and nugdes and being woken up in my sleep to again dream of the same thing till it finally got through my head, the spirit was most definitely Azazel.

I read up as much as I could about him in this forum and a few videos on YouTube, consulted Lucifer, my guides and Azazel himself, we both have decided that it’s not the right time for me to go through with it-namely, it was I who wasn’t ready to take the step because I have yet to let go of my fears and other issues.

There’s shadow work I need to do and level up my strength before I take the step forward with Azazel.

He told me a few things (which I’ll be keeping personal) to help with my anxiety before we discussed if I should work with him right now or not. I still promised to do it, and he also taught me a few things about glamor since I was wishing to do it a bit better.

A: No books or videos will teach you how to do it unless you’re doing it yourself. Your issue/problem is in application and not learning.

The scene changed and we were by a river in a forest, only him and me. At that point we were conversing for around 10 minutes or so and the change had me disoriented for a few seconds, then he threw me into the river.

I cleanse using water, and I forgot to do it today so this was his method to remind me.

A: How many times must Lucifer remind you before you start doing it by yourself?
M: (embarrassed)

Then he told me a few more things which again, I’ll be keeping personal, while the water from the river washed over me.

He pulled me out and although I was still disoriented, I was able to understand what he was saying. We went back to where Lucifer was, and settled on an agreement that I would work with him when I’m ready.

I’m a little sad, it’s weird because when I talked to his sigil last night the first thing I wanted to do was cry, I don’t know why. But it’s all for the better. I will work hard and be ready to properly learn from Azazel, and I’m thankful for his patience.

Edit: Azazel enjoyed Seven Nation Army and Chun-Li when it played in my Spotify. I think he likes it🤔


:metal::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:a seven nation army couldn’t hold me back :notes:

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