Sounds like you got your work cut out for you!
Which exercises are you doing, out of curiosity?
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Lady Eva sent me a core shamanism tutorial that helps on a lot
Aiden Crow sent me a few basic lessons, white light ward, mirror shield and roots grounding.
There are exercises in Self Initiation into the Golden Dawn tradition, which for a day each week, you pick a color, a sense and note how.much you pick up on, then much like a few ninjitsu books and the OAA there are psi ball and sensih exercises.
OAA has a shit ton of exercises.
Modern Magick has some exercises.
Basically anything and everything I can get my hands on, and do daily work.
Daily work I also want to get back in the habit of invoking daily hexagrams, working with a candle of the day of the week color, and so on.
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Chakra work and yoga will be a morning must as well.
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3-11-2018
Dream - None but awoke after four hours sleep.
Mental Notes - These parasites are due to die. Need to learn how to do so. Had the Wind severely taken out of my sails by my old GD teacher. Come to think of it, two were like that to me. So either their pride or my pride has been the issue. Doesnāt matter I suppose. Just more proof that all that side wants are slaves. Done with women romantically/sexually. Not worth the effort.
Physical notes - Pre seizure symptoms. Need to get back to get my medicine.
Rituals - None yet.
Meditations - Why every God or most teachers seem to be utter glory seeking assholes.
Mental notes update ā¦ My roommate knew something weighed heavy on my mind, so I laid it all out, the idea of Lost+Found, and the wind taken out of my sails. He and I had a discussion on faith which helped put some fire back in me.
Rituals - Did Salutation to Lord of the Universe, Morning Solar Adoration to Ra, and QC/LBRP/QC with appropriate names and Saturn symbol drawn in center of each pentagram.
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Mental notes continued ā¦ what took the wind out of my sails, especially the last comment from my old teacher with GDā¦
Douglas James Cameron
February 8 Ā·
Done with magic, it seems to be all fascinating bullshit.
Just like God, Jesus, or anyone supernatural doesnāt want to talk to me or help me, so no communication, no follower.
Comments
Brian Sak
Brian Sak Believe in yourself James. Thatās the most important belief.
Wednezday M. Jane
Wednezday M. Jane Well, magic is more about working with yourself first and foremost, and learning how to help yourself, but to each their own. Do as you will.
Wednezday M. Jane
Wednezday M. Jane Some spells literally take years to manifest.
Wednezday M. Jane
Wednezday M. Jane Iām in the process of going through a 3 year long initiation ritual guided by the Empress, just because it felt like the right thing to do and still does. Quality craft work can take years to manifest the sort of results you desire. If youāre not getting the results you desire, sometimes it can imply that your intention needs to be refined, but sometimes taking a step back is the best thing to do.
Wednezday M. Jane
Wednezday M. Jane I wouldnāt suggest āfollowingā anyone or anything for the most part, just do you.
Briar Rose
Briar Rose Read the right books.
Randy Mayzes
Randy Mayzes God is Good. He listens and knows youā¦ His is the truthful way. Hearing Him takes focus and fervent pursuitā¦ Praying as His Word says, Constantlyā¦ We MUST submit and not assume an equal standing as we are not able to comprehend Him in most thingā¦See More
Douglas James Cameron replied Ā· 35 Replies
Wednezday M. Jane
Wednezday M. Jane Iām sorryā¦ Wut?! That is some delusional hogwash. Iām sorry but I canāt just watch someone spew garbage like this ^^^ without speaking up. But you do you, boo, Iāll be casting spells for you to help free your soul from the clutches of Christ/The Devil. 
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron Iāll just have to accept the fact that Iām never going to win against my oppressors. Iāll have to accept the fact that there is no shortcut for anything. Iāll have to accept the fact that Iāll never get the answers I seek for.
Laird Tanner Michael Hartmann Hmm, just a question, how long do you attempt one thing before moving on to the next? Every time I see you post something magical its completely different from the last, but magic requires focus and tends to not favor dabblers. Maybe rather than taking shots in the dark just work with one method for awhile?
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron Good point
Brian Sak I still think you only listed one fact up there. There is no shortcut for anything. The other ones are just your perception right now.
Douglas James Cameron Great point
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron Iāve already accepted the fact that Iām mentally ill. I was hoping for something different, but as yesterday went, it is what it is and nothing more.
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron I can throw all my books, notes, tools away; but it profits me nothing. Do either of you know if I sell my books to someone that I pay zero? The buyer pays for it including shipping? I have nothing to my name moneywise, so I could use the sales.
Shaena Dean replied Ā· 2 Replies
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron LHP and RHP. Religion books also for sale, though I threw most of them to a free library.
Shaena Dean
Shaena Dean I might buy some bud, toss up a sale post or album with pics and prices
Shaena Dean
Shaena Dean If it helps, I spent my entire time in various order with this attitude- I am no believer, but I am willing to experiment for curiosity sake, and have zero issue with my lack of faith in things, nor any desire to change anything really or delusions of āpowerā. Exploring is fun, thatās it
Wednezday M. Jane
Wednezday M. Jane I donāt study LHP or RHP. Do what you gotta do bro. The occult helped me discover how mentally unwell I was, it was a shock for me at first, and I even swore off the occult. Iāve sworn off magick several times in my life, but my curiosity always brings me back.
A lot of what goes on in the occult and magick is essentially self help, self psychology, self therapy, psychotherapy. I know that might seem super lame, but why is it lame? Magick has saved my life several times over by being a form of therapy and healing in my life.
Also - occult initiation WILL break you in an effort to remake you, and if you are already feeling broken chances are initiation will be extra challenging.
My first occult initiation literally almost killed me, it was one of the most frightening experiences ever, it broke me further at a time when I was already very broken. But!!! It also showed me how to rebuild myself, which took years. Iām still rebuilding myself.
That initiation specifically was a chaos self initiation ritual, I would like to think the GD is more gentle with their initiations, but I wouldnāt know yetā¦ Because Iām still so traumatized from my last occult initiation that Iāve been afraid to try another initiationā¦ Even though Iām actually in the process of a 3 year long self initiation ritual now. My first initiation ritual lasted a year, and that ended up being too short of a time span for me to be able to process everything I was trying to process during that time.
Anyways, do you. You got this. Good luck.
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron Thanks all 
Ryan McCaffery
Ryan McCaffery What are you searching for?
Douglas James Cameron Honest to gods truth. I no longer believe the good hook is the truth. IMO, named mean crap, the values are the key.
Ezra Faries
Ezra Faries Been 3 years of studying and then the rest of my life has been general research. It can be stressful, some people I know quit and they said their mental health got better when they did. Know your limits and know when you should and shouldnāt push them.
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron Wednezday M. Jane
ā¦ For ten years I was tormented in various ways. The most had me questioning reality and if I was alive. I fought one night being sucked into Satariel (lucifuges domain). Passerbyās would suggest suicide or voodoo to me. I would see body doubles of exes everywhere. Mobs of people I didnāt know hounded me, and kept taking pictures (a possible sympathetic link) of me. God and Angels werenāt doing shit. Demons will. Demons are honest, some honest when compelled, some lie outright (read between the lines and verify everythingā¦ Question everything). Iāve been doing over ten energy sending and tarot readings for people and getting positive feedback. Qlippothic work to do shadow work and inner healing. Iām now working on shielding, warding and grounding, projecting my will to push darkness away and surround myself with white light, mirrors and roots from my feet down into the earth all at once at the drop of a dime. Iām now aware I was bound and cursed and had a nasty man in the middle parasite on me that someone had to kill for me. Iām learning to trust no one, and get back to witchcraft I studied in my twenties to bind and curse the death wishers and harassers.
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron Here is a journal Iāve been keeping.
Manage
Fuegoās Journal
http://forum.becomealivinggod.com
Wednezday M. Jane I canāt understand why anyone would want to invoke Lilith, she is not for sexual stimulation, she brings nothing but harm and abuse and chaos to oneās life.
Ezra Faries
Ezra Faries She a bitch
Wednezday M. Jane replied Ā· 1 Reply
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron Listen ā¦she is helpful with shadow work ā¦ Othwereise agree.
Wednezday M. Jane
Wednezday M. Jane I donāt agree that she is helpful with shadow work, I think she is dangerous and not helpful for anything. Sheāll chop of your dick, no joke.
Eric V. Sisco
Eric V. Sisco Dee-Jay, why do we keep having this conversation?
Douglas James Cameron Trying to get to the root of my issues
Douglas James Cameron Okay Eric V. Sisco ā¦ I will work more with angels ā¦ Any recommendations for those that deal with childhood trauma recovery and adult shadow issues? Cancer or Pisces angels?
Eric V. Sisco " Trying to get to the root of my issues"? That wasnāt the reason we talked about this first time. Not the second or third, either. So Iām callinā bullshit on yaā.
Try again, but be honest with yourself this time.
Douglas James Cameron
Douglas James Cameron First off, a reason why to work with Goetia ā¦ When it appears God isnāt doing much about mundane issuesā¦letās say youāre watching a movie about a missing teen girl, see the one hundred candle vigil, and start thinking about doing a public service by evoking in order Bael, Vual, Malphas, Agares, and Andromalius; with a full stack of missing children printouts.
Douglas James Cameron Eric V. Sisco ā¦ Iām coming to terms with my fears. Iām trying to do shadow work on myself. Perhaps the initial thrill regarding the old girl was to see if it works (worst possible reason, granted); a thirst for quick power perhaps. Iād like to say honestly that I was going to traverse the Qlippoth to face my fears regarding the archdemons, but the become my own god and create a world where no murderers other bad people or assholes are allowed there, and annihilate a problem immediately. But. Iāve no idea the amount of power god has would be in my lap. Do yes, honestly, this is not about sexual thrill, its about shadow work and facing my fears quicker than a psychiatrist will. None of us know our time on earth. If Iām famned, its in my best interest to make allies quickly. Until then approaching them with good intention was the thought. The LHP is a bit more cutthroat then the RHP, granted.
Douglas James Cameron Sorry for the typos, my Facebook is not allowing editing for some strange reason.
Douglas James Cameron Perhaps what I should ask is why has any ceremonial magician had the idea of evoking any of them in the first place, Agrippa and Barrett to name a few. Without circles, or threats, dumb, but they come when called.
Douglas James Cameron Angels not so much.
Douglas James Cameron I guess in the most honest reason, we want to feel we can be good at something, or have worth at anything, perhaps this as a last resort.
Douglas James Cameron Perhaps when youāre a quarter of a million dollars in debt, youāll consider anything besides another loan, especially if a bookie is a last option. Not saying that last sentence is my case, but the rest is.
Douglas James Cameron I know nothing comes free, much like respect, its a given.
Eric V. Sisco heavy sigh Jamie, I like you. Youāre a nice guy. A good person, even. You mean well. But youāre a damned fool. Your āreason why to work with Goetiaā is so not right, itās not even wrong. Perhaps when youāre a $250K in debt, you donāt seek out archdemons and Kings of Hell for help, you fucking file for bankruptcy.
Youāve been hacking at magic longer than Iāve actually known you and youāre still floating in Thatās-Not-How-Any-Of-This-Works World. Here are my recommendations: Give up magic and get into therapy stat. Therapy will actually help you with your issues and quitting magic will stop your shadows from growing bigger than they already are by your own hand. But before you do, recognize the fact of how super-strong your personal angels are and thank them profusely for it. Itās a minor miracle you havenāt been astrally anal-raped by now. Or worse.
Peace out.
Self-reading ā What should I do about the Lost+Found project?
Split Hexagram spread
Greater spiritual influence - Moon (Pisces) - Organization
Lesser spiritual influence - Hanged Man (Water) - Reversal
Spiritual advice - Empress (Venus) - Creative Imagination
Unconscious desires - Universe (Saturn/Earth) - Initiation
Conscious desires - Death (Scorpio) - Transformation
Practical advice - Magus (Mercury) - Self Consciousness/Focus
Final outcome with followed advice - Lovers (Gemini) - Discernment
Shadow - Justice (Libra) - Action Equilibrium
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This is the outlook of people who want to avoid going in to the shadow self, because they think they have to deal with all there problems in one go.
This is not the case that is why i gave you the 3 month dark moon ritual as it focusās on one aspect at a time over the 3 month period.
Then you stop heal and adapt for period of time before moving on to another aspect of the same problem or a new issue.
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Right on @kiss-lamia-lilith ā¦ I did try an afternoon nap with dragons blood burnt, was not successful. I do know one of my medications interferes with dreams to a degree.
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@Fuego1 Try and focus on visualisation meditation, it can help if you having diffculties with dreamwork!
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Did readings up to and including Tyler2018. Good responses for the most part from readings. Makes me happy, especially tonight. Might let a lucky lady into my life, maybe. 
Need to work with the Golden Dawn deck or the Rider Waite deck on occasion, just to work on intuition regardless of deck; especially since the GD deck only has the number of suit in minor arcana, which forces thorough knowledge of the numbers and meanings.
Need to work on:
Visualization.
Psi Balls.
Wards, shields, grounding.
Visualizing circles/walls of fire.
Continue LBRP every day with Saturn in the center or earth symbol in center.
Chakra work.
Lilith journal.
Core shamanism.
Back to planning for Lost+Found, even if I wont be spearheading it.
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Added a post on Daily Archangel Prayers. Working on Angel evocations for those on RHP/MHP.
New improvement on killing parasites and Wards/Shielding/Grounding (still suck on shielding).
Visualize fire.
Visualize your astral/etheric self as a human torch, including fire beneath you.
Try to hold for two to five minutes.
Visualize a wall of fire around you in the shape of a square.
Visualize a ring or circle of fire around you.
That was to try to kill parasites.
Warding, shielding and groundingā¦
Visualize the color yellow.
Visualize the color pink.
Visualize silver.
Visualize the standard yellow pencil.
Visualize an egg.
Visualize the whiteness of the egg.
Visualize yourself in the egg with a circle of fire twice your size around it.
Visualize that the egg is partially lodged in the ground.
Visualize the whiteness of the egg with a circle or bubble of brilliant white light, while out of your feet grow roots stretching deep down in the earth a little past trees.
Imagine a mirror around the white.
Visualize all four (square wall double height if fire around your mirror circle around the white light around the egg and feet growing roots deep in the earth.
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This is what I work on to reach fifteen minutes of visualization.
Keep going brother! 
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3-12-2018
Dreams: none
Physical notes ā Less energy, nasal sinus headaches. Odd pains here and there, usually in hard to reach areas like back shoulderblades.
Mental notes ā Appears I have an infestation of parasites. Ground before each reading. Work on fiery wards, and shields and grounding per recent post in journal. Try to napalm the parasite bitches for at least fifteen minutes.
Readings:
āWhy am I getting so many astral parasites?ā Split Hexagram
Greater spiritual influence ā High Priestess (Luna, Reflection, Subconsciousness, Principal of Mentalism)
Lesser spiritual influence ā Devil (Capricorn, Material Bondage)
Spiritual advice ā Chariot (Cancer, Will, Speech, Principle of Cause and Effect)
Unconscious desires ā Temperance (Sagittarius, Law of Verification)
Conscious desires ā Judgement (Fire, Agency of Revelation, Purification)
Practical advice ā Death (Scorpio, Law of Transformation)
Final outcome ā Magician (Focus, Self Consciousness, Principle of Correspondence)
Shadow ā Lovers (Gemini, Discernment, Smell, Principle of Polarity)
Still having trouble with energy sensing visualization, more time seems to be spent fighting off shadows or parasites with pushing away or burning with fire ā¦ that is if I am actually doing it and not just imagining it.
I am however able to visualize the grounding, the white light ward and being a being of flame all at once.
Now it seems Will ā¦ an unbreakable, unshakable one is the main task to start on now.
However, need to find out from @Lady_Eva and @Eye_of_Ra where the Lost+Found project is at, and how I can assist, what data I can provide, what sigils/seals I can provide, where they want me at.
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Iām not sure who if anyone has taken over ā¦
I would have to wait til the MFWB group is finished before I could take on a project this hugeā¦
Itās definitely for a good cause and Iād be willing. .but I already have too many things going on for a few more weeks.
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I think Lady Eva mentioned something. If my old asshole teacher had kept his trap shut, it mightāve been getting underway. Either that or I shouldāve rejected it and told.him what he can do with the good advice.
Yesterday ā¦ Quite the Mars day.
Invoked the entire Celtic pantheon for protection and destruction of those seeking to harm me, physically or otherwise. Then went out and heel and toe kicked all ice off the porch, casting off my enemies.
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