Vlada_vb: Not trying to be preachy, but you have to understand that nothing is ever wasted. But I think at this point of time in your life, it is very important for you to realize this:
You, my dear friend are probably obsessively grasping on the the outcome/results. There is a huge flaw with this approach, let me explain.
Obsessively yearning for a result and negative thoughts are twins and they go hand in hand. When you are obsessing over the result, firstly you are rejecting this current moment and not able to clearly focus on what ever it is that you are doing, be it either occult or any other task at hand. Your mind in it’s current state is saying, “I have been doing everything to gain the experience that I currently do not have in my current state, the experience I want to have is very pleasant. I just need to go there.” And while you are having these thoughts, your mind is building a negative patter, “I absolutely hate the way it is right now, this is extremely unpleasant” The negative patters is what is building and is telling you to get rid of the unpleasant.
Think of yourself as a student preparing for SAT or GMAT or whatever, if when you open the books, instead of studying and focusing on the material, if you are fixated on the result, how would you pass the test?
My suggestion for you my dear friend is, “Now is the perfect time to invest in, not ON, but IN yourself” Meditate, workout, read, contrary to what other people say, involve your mind into something that makes you feel great about yourself.
It will then become what I call a wave pattern, you will have days when you don’t care about this person, and are fully engaged in whatever you are doing, and then there will be days when you can’t stop thinking about this person. But you will need to get rid of the grasping mind slowly but surely and picking up a new hobby definitely helps, so invest in yourself.
And then when you’ve outgrown this situation and not yearning for results, repeat the occult again without getting fixated and see if it works.
We all care about everyone in the world, and you my dear friend need to find your inner happiness, let that little kid out and experience the world again.
Invest in yourself, find that spark back in your heart and in your eyes, and everything will automatically fall in place. I am going through the same experience you are going and so I can understand.
If I said something wrong, please forgive me.