Some days ago I made actual use of channeling my hate; a hate that seemingly hit me out of the blue. In hindsight it wasn’t out of the blue at all, but this might be a story for another time to another pair of eyes or ears
Instead of letting the feeling go to waste, I did this:
I am still a bit high, to be honest. I had to deal with a feeling of absolute hate today; it welled up inside of my lungs like water. I did not want to let it go to waste by grounding or releasing or any other means. This hate was meant to be used.
(…)
Today I decided to channel this feeling to Mazahims suggested liking. And it was something completely else. It felt good, carnal, somewhat natural. Channeling it and deliberately uniting with it made me feel unusually euphoric and focused at the same time. Like that tiny, tingling and sensual moment of climax inside of the head, but not as fleeting.
(…)
This transformation was unusual; the force behind it wasn’t lost but nothing else distracted me from making use of it. I was allowed to experience its other nuances without a filter of other negative emotions attached to it.
Today I came to understand that this unlocking cycle and my working with the lataif falls into another time of purging for me. Which is not the first time, I went through many of those the last couple of years (and it was absolutely scary). The difference to back then: I actually do know what happens and why. I am not as distracted by confusion or pain and first-times. I’ve been there, I’ve seen it all, I can simply stand there and let the old attachments burn away from my body and mind in black crumpled flakes without struggling against it. I can experience a more raw form of this now, without too much confusion or uncertainty.
Ever since then the Hermit constantly pops up whenever I do a personal reading for myself, no matter the deck. It also comes up in readings from the hand of other people.
Separation is no prison for someone who seeks to burn in privacy, I suppose.
Although I wasn’t familiar with this one I had his name and his presence clinging to me the last couple of days. I would describe it as aloof and in anticipation at the same time, as if he wasn’t sure himself if he wanted to keep his distance or if he wanted the contact.
I took this decision away from him and called him. The visualization process brought me to a poker table. Two women, four men. One of the men immediately had my attention; a dude in his early 50s with short blond hair, a pale complexion, a tired and austere looking face, a white dress shirt with black suspenders and black slacks. I recognized the whiskey on the table beside him; it was the offering whiskey that was standing on my own table in my practice room.
He wasn’t engaged at all into the lively talk at the poker table; he silently stared at his cards. I wasn’t sure if I should address him; the other participants payed no mind to my presence. I decided to wait a little, as I didn’t want to make things awkward.
After a little while (maybe three or so minutes) a seventh person appeared and addressed the participants as “Qaid” and that something demanded their attention immediately. Five of them left the poker table and I decided that this was a sign to approach Wqas. He cut my introduction short as he suddenly stood up and walked over to my side of the table. He gazed down at me with a certain kind of aggressive agitation and uttered: “I am tired of this.”
I asked him to elaborate, still sitting awkwardly on my chair. “This waiting, this stasis.”
I wasn’t quite catching up so he took a green poker chip from the table and pressed it firmly into the palm of my right hand: “I want you to utilize me. End my long wait.”
Everything fell into place after that. I knew exactly what to do with him and why.
I agreed to the deal. He reached for a black Glock that was tucked away inside his waistband. He slowly lifted the weapon up to my forehead. I looked into its barrel and nodded. He cocked the gun and pulled the trigger. There was a loud noise and I could feel a jolt in between my brows and something emerging from out of the back of my head. It forced me out of the visualization, with burning eyes and ringing ears.
A weird kind of sync. When I was working on my Manipura the other day I found a green parakeet instead of the usual yellow energy flow.
Yesterday I re-read “The conference of the birds” by Attar (I am using the english Penguin translation from 1984).
And welcome, parrot, perched in paradise! Your splendid plumage bears a strange device, A necklace of bright fire about the throat; Though heaven’s bliss is promised by your coat, This circle stands for hell; if you can flee Like Abraham from Nimrod’s enmity, Despise these flames – uninjured will you tread Through fire if first you cut off Nimrod’s head, And when the fear of him has died put on Your gorgeous coat; your collar’s strength has gone!
…which brings me back to the element of fire that is assigned to the Manipura.
And to this:
I suppose that cutting off “Nimrods Head” would be the next best step to take. Which -weirdly enough- aligns with the hunter theme that is symbolically and practically intertwined with the last couple of years and the years to come for me.
Sidenote: ever since Wqas shot me in the head it appears that each and every one of my dreams is painfully lucid. Even the short and superficial ones that come up when you’re having a little nap. I guess that his bullet brute forced a process that I am usually refining with meditation. It is a bit taxing, not going to lie. I’ll have to adjust if it turns out to be a long term effect.
After Zuhal dragged me backwards on my hair through the saturnian shrubbery of my inner and outer world and Wqas bruteforced my dream related perception open I feel kinda ready to move on with the next unlocking.
I spontaneously decided for ‘Ayzar during this mornings workout, with no direct expectations connected to that name.
When I entered the shower I was greeted with “You really need to become uncompromising.” in a thick british accent. Lovely. I asked him if he ever heard about personal space and about what area of uncompromising we are talking about. He cut me right off: “Shush, I am planning out the project already!” Getting shushed in your own shower by an overenthusiastic bri’ish jinn: check.
“If I become even more of that, people will flee from me in horror” I pointed out while washing my hair. Maybe it was the foam in my ears but there was a distinct british “So, whats the difference to now, then?” noise mixing with the water running down the drain. True. But also: rude.
The conversation went along, weighing in the pros and cons of transforming into the epitome of a cold spot in the room. “You are still way too compromisable and unnecessarily balmy, do you know that?” he asked me at the end. No, I did not know that. Its not that there haven’t been any surveys about my supposedly harshness going on, right.
'Ayzar pointed towards the latest embodiment of my fruitless “benefit of the doubt” approach and I did see what he meant. Oh my. I told him I was in.
This is going to be fun.
Unlocking session with 'Ayzar (عيزار), as he already willingly brought up one or two points that need serious work by himself.
During the visualization process he pulled me on top of a mountain. The snowy, stormy kind, grey-ish of mountain. He nods towards some colourful pieces of cloth hanging on a line. “Do you think the mountain cares?” I shake my head, already knowing what kind of metaphor this is going to be.
He guides me to a hole in the ground of the mountain top. He asks me to sit down at its edge and to put my legs into that hole. The icy surface of the ground makes me shiver as I do so. I feel my legs getting pulled in; my feet are feeling hot and cold at the same time. Eventually the cold sensation dominates and crawls all the way up my spine and to the top of my skull. The coldness is wrapping itself around my head. It fills the socket of my eyes, my nostrils, my mouth, my ears. I can hear 'Ayzars voice cutting through the storm. “Become the mountain”, before the black stone pulls me completely into its core.
Zuhal came through in a different way than I would have anticipated. When we made the deal back in January I was quite prepared for the solitude-ish approach of working with and integrating these natural saturnian aspects into my life.
It turns out that a part of the task is to “endure” a certain amount of similar hardwired company while doing so. And it feels surprisingly natural. It also makes me realize what I can constructively do with my own predisposition in terms of responding to this company without necessarily resorting to my tried and tested saturnian ways of interacting.
15 days ago I was visited in my dreams by Nasr, in the fitting shape of a giant vulture. He brought comfort and softness and warmth to me and I was in deep awe about how perfectly the communication went without exchanging any words.
I am yet to find out if this Nasr (نسر ) has been usurped by time and found itself back as Jinn Nizar (نزار) or if Nizar borrows linguistically from “Nazar”/n-z-r (which, theoretically, could be connected back to the vulture or eagle, as in my understanding نَظَر = “seeing”/to look or “sight” could also be the concept of what a bird does high up in the sky: getting an overview).
I am still grateful for this experience and I am looking forward to either connect the dots or to find out that it doesn’t have to do with anything. In any case I am owing Nasr a visit, as his presence was some sort of very soft “No worries, you are on the right path” sign with something I am currently dealing with.
Zuhal really sent me into a strange sync trip with this one. I haven’t talked about this to anyone but still it managed to inspire a question in somebody elses head, that I have rolled back and forth myself for some time now: is it possible that its our respective saturnian placements (out of ALL things), that makes us somehow click? Something that should act in a divisive and isolating way turns out to be a bridge in between two more or less different worlds, instead of building up walls behind walls - like it usually goes. And rightfully so, if I may say so myself.
I want to believe, that this is true. Because it feels authentic to me. Maybe it is exactly this saturnian influence that made me become accepting of a certain kind of closeness; no emergency daggers, no troubled prophetic dreams, no “watch out” utterings in my ear from honest tongues and wise eyes. For maybe the first time since I have started all of this.
Todays unlocking: Mirdas (مرداس).
I must admit that I had the impression that this one didn’t really want to work with me, before I even started. When I prepared the gifts (an especially annointed red candle, black tea, other small things) I downright felt his indifference.
The visualization pulled me into a forest; it was evening and it poured abundantly. The occasional thunder roared in the background; thankfully no lighting.
It didn’t take me long to spot Mirdas; in my vision I perceived him as an old man (ironically how I would have expected Zuhal to look like), maybe in his late 70s. Sparse white hair on his head, a long white beard and a somber expression on his aged face. His clothes didn’t fit the environment at all; he was dressed in a thin and simple thawb with earthy tones. No shoes. No protection from the rain.
I walked up to him and offered him my umbrella. Up close I noticed that this old man was dry to the bone; the rain somehow went straight through him without clinging to him. I asked him to take a little walk with me and expressed my regrets over the overall circumstances. The candle flame flickered angrily in response, here in my room.
He straightup asked me if he could refuse my unlocking request. Of course he could; I am a grown up and he is whatever his manifestation is telling me that he is. I won’t throw tantrums over refused requests. This was the first time he was actively looking at me; Mirdas seemed to be looking for something in my face. He then placed his thin and boney hand on mine and squeezed it (surprisingly) firmly; he led me further into the forest until we stopped in front of a rough-hewn well. The water was as black as the stones surrounding the pit; it filled itself with countless raindrops.
“I made this for you, before you came here”, Mirdas explained. “May your well never run dry.”
I felt touched by the gesture and by the change of his expression, his blue eyes glinting with life. The candle flame got larger, steadier and warmer. The vibe in the room instantly changed from indifference to sincerity.
Yeah, no fucking joke. I came to understand that unlocking the aspects of the Jinn would be a more internal process for me, a very sharp contrast to the more tangible and hands-on aspects of the Goetia spirits.
I feel especially sulky about having to face some unloved old conditionings and about having to polish certain aspects of my self (whoever thats supposed to be by now). I loudly asked the question why it couldn’t have been the other way around: priming my internal world, my behaviours, my thought patterns, etc. before receiving the neat tools and materials and the more worldly gifts from the Goetia 72.
“Because you would have given up on the spot if it would have been the other way around.”
I suppose that this is the truth. Having to face your own unpleasant internal conditions AND having to worry about simple mundane stuff 24/7? Yes, I would have dropped everything. Being able to fall apart while the overall frame around everything remains intact and secure doesn’t sound too shabby, huh.
I suppose that the main objective now is to combine whats left of me after this project with the surroundings that the Goetia carved out for me with their aspects, back then.
I am tempted to compare the unlockings 1 on 1, but I’ve decided to wait with this until its all done.
Played around a bit with a deck of Celtic Tree Oracle cards. When asking about whats currently important to know the Blackthorn card sprang out quite promptly.
The creator of the deck assigns the vulture as one of several totems to the tree.
Its been ??? days of being sober and I am currently involved with a situation I can not face with a drink in my hand for the first time since I’ve been in my teens.
Nasr came to me when I was asking myself if I would it have inside of me to quit drinking myself into an early grave; his presence soothed my own doubts about how I would be able to go through this change.
The card is about something something character growing (got enough of that already, thank you). “When one door closes, another one opens”, oh fuck off matey.
But also: that its time “to let go” and to set boundaries and as if to add insult to injury a youtube video I was watching stopped itself while displaying “Get over (…)” in the subtitles.
Big Bird, I am expecting at least another round of feathery comfort when I am finished with this.
Okay, this one took unusually longer than I am used to it but: I think I became the mountain yesterday, 'Ayzar. Frome one moment to the next, literally. I don’t know what exactly happened in that department but something inside of me was apparently completely obliterated in regards to a situation. It was strange, I was definitely caught up with deeply caring for something (and low key torturing myself over it) and the next moment it was gone. An intimately known movement inside my thoughts and feelings is no more and I could physically feel how it fell out from my head and my heart, alike. Clang.
Thank you, 'Ayzar.
