I’ve started to play around with different names of Allah while meditating on different lataif points. I have overall started to utilize the names of Allah in my other more tangible workings as well but this is by now highly experimental and in its early stages.
For my last Ruhi session I used Ya Sami’, as I’d like to polish all clairs (or “prophetic inner vision”) with it. As-Sami’ is the “All hearer” and I would therefore connect it to Clairaudience 
I could see an old gramophone sitting inside my heart. It connected itself through thick metal pipes towards both of my ears; the gramophone remained silent but something started to pull at the winding handle The meditation faded out into tiny white lights inside my head.
Notes for further Ruhi sessions: Ya Sami (Clairaudience), Ya Shahid (outer world knowledge perceived by all five senses, so probably all clairs?), Ya Khabir (inner world knowledge, maybe combined with Ya Shahid would lead to some sort of omniscience perception), Ya Nur (enlightment? Claircognizance?) and Ya Basir (Clairvoyance).
Edit: Ya Muta’ali for transcendence, as well.
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I had an oddly specific dream after working on this Lataif point. I was dreaming about my father and especially about his random fits of rage and anger. He would become a role model of why I would feel forever unsafe in the presence of a certain kind of people. I would “inherit” his rage and it would take me years to break out of this cycle.
In this dream I was consciously leaving him behind, telling him that I am refusing him and his ways and all of the other similar tempered men and their ways. I felt rather emotional after waking up, but also free.
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Tried my hand on Ruhi again, this time with Ya Basir, to basically…see everything all at once? Not just the things that already exist but the things that don’t exist, things that are about to come into existence and things that are about to fall out of existence and things that were never meant to exist in the first place. I guess thats what you long for when you are a sucker for details.
The meditation showed me the opposite of a scrying mirror. I gazed onto the opaqueness of a white and smooth surface. And for some reason I could see, through the brightness. The images weren’t inside of the surface but on top of it. Light blue and dark grey shadows, forming into shapes.
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Khafi/Khafiya meditation with the help of “Ya 'Adl”, the balancer of everything.
A pleasant and tingly and lightweight sensation around my entire upper head, the section just above the bridge of my nose. Its such a pleasantly strange feeling, as if that part of my head would receive a warm blanket, a warm bath or a gentle embrace. My forehead is so relaxed that I can’t move my eyebrows.
The visuals: a plain checkers board. Every playing stone gets eliminated from the board, slowly and without haste. Piece by piece. Until only two stones remain on the board, each belonging to its respective side.
Notes for further Khafiya sessions: Ya ‘Adl (complete balance), Ya Mubdi’ (creativity and the initial “spark”), Ya Khaliq (for creating, making, acting, using all possibilities), Ya Wali (to turn away from anger), Ya Fattah (to clear the way of any obstacles), Ya Zahir (to fully manifest), Ya Mu’akhkhir (to end what has been already started), Ya Muntaqim (against the cycle of revenge), Ya Mani’ (against acting out of anger), Ya Mutakabbir (to push constantly beyond any limitations), Ya Matin (for the strength to keep on going), Ya Halim (against anger) and Ya Salam (peace).
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Shaking off some dust that has settled on my shoulders while I was in full research mode.
Notes for further Ana/Haqqiah sessions and I am not disappointed with what I came up with, considering the sparse informations about it:
Ya Warith (to die before you die, ego death), Ya Ba’ith (shaking off the slumber imposed on the heart), Ya Haqq (getting straight into the “heart of the night”, shadow work), Ya Mudhill (facing the lower self, shadow work), Ya Rafi (transcending and overcoming the lower self), Ya Mu’izz and Ya ‘Aliyy (severing attachments to reputation), Ya Mumit (fana, dissolving of the ego self), Ya Badi’ (turning away from the egos need to impose subjective truth onto others), Ya Latif (of course! Smoothing the edges of the ego), Ya Ra’uf (cutting ties with the perception of the ego-selfs “not enough”), Ya Shakur (overcoming the ego-self of the outside world), Ya Karim (penetrating the ego core), Ya Quddus (purifying the ego-self to let go of attachments that keeps one away from truly intimate union), Ya Tawwab (parting the ego-self from old wounds) and Ya Jami’ (purifying the Nafs).
Thats quite an amount of names to choose from, if I might say so.
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Ana/Haqqiah meditation with the help of Ya Rafi (transcending and overcoming the lower self).
The visuals: I am standing in a dark cave, in front of a black stone wall. The stone wall is decorated by seven clear crystals, lined up on a black string. I acknowledge that these beautiful crystals need to go, even if I’d like the black stone wall better with them. I pull them off, letting them fall to the ground. I stretch my hand out to the wall in front of me; it feels cold and water is running in slow streams from the top to the ground. I recite Ya Rafi while tracing a lemniscate with the palm of my hand onto the surface. The water flows from the bottom up to the top of the stone wall until it stops completely. I am left with a dry and now warm stone wall that seems to have a pulse.
Getting out of the meditation, I am left with the feeling that I want to cry.
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Reciting “Hu” as a primer for all Lataif points and the meditations to come.
Visualizations: I am a child, maybe around 8-ish or so years old. My naked feet are standing on the cold sand of a shore; I watch the waves roll back and forth and hear myself saying “The eternal movement of time” from somewhere else. Everything around me is coloured in an inverted black and white filter, myself included. Something heavy is protruding from out of my chest; it looks like a big black rock.
I take a few steps forward, I want to drown myself. I can watch myself from a third persons view and I notice that I don’t have similarities to myself as a child; I can see a pair of parents, that aren’t mine, either. They wave goodbye to me as I walk into the ocean to drown myself. They want me to drown and I want me to drown.
I guess I took a chunk out of that wall, the other day.
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Dream log after yesterdays session:
the black inside of my chest was replaced by something golden to wear. It made me feel heavily out of place.
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Continuing with the unloved yet necessary work on Qalb 
Notes for further meditations: Ya Bari’ (freeing oneself from any unclean thing that might cover the true ego of the heart), Ya Sami’ (establishing true hearing of the heart), Ya Mumit (obliterating the false ego), Ya Muqtadir (connecting with ones true purpose), Ya Fattah (opening the heart to go deeper into it), Ya Mu’min (against blind faith and fanatism), Ya Musawwir (giving the heart its true shape), Ya Rashid (discerning and clear guidance), Ya Wasi’ (melting old boundaries of the heart), Ya Basir (establishing true vision of the heart), Ya Khafid (lowering ones spiritual station to establish a sensible pace, this is not a race, its a marathon), Ya Rafi’ (transcending lower states and urges), Ya Ghafur (forgiving all the way into the heart, no lip service forgiveness, hating that one already), Ya Mujib (listening with the heart and receiving answers), Ya Wajid (opening the eye and ear of the heart to true ecstasy), Ya Quddus (purification of the ego) and Ya Wakil (for obvious trust issues. Hating that one already, too).
Whew.
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Qalb meditation with Ya Khafid, as I need to determine what I am forcing onto myself and what would be the more fitting kind of pace; if needed I will pull myself back to a lower point.
Visuals: sitting on the backseat inside a car. As I am usually in the drivers seat this is already making me feel irritated and fidgety. I literally don’t trust other peoples driving styles and it makes me nervous to sit on the passenger side. The parable here is quite fitting, so far.
An extra loss of control is thrown into the session as I discover that I am a kid in this car. The person that is navigating the car doesn’t speak to me but makes sure to hold eye contact through the rear mirror to me. The car is driving on a never ending path straight on; the path leads through a dark coniferous forest (pine trees) and I can see the forest burning left and right. People are emerging out of the fire, they try to stop the car for help. I want to open my seatbelt and the car door, I want to get out of the car and put as many people into its room as possible. The seatbelt won’t open and the driver of the car decides to continue without even looking around. “You’re not here for that.”
The scenery switches into night mode. No forests, only flat wastelands.
“Allow yourself to grow in proportion, this time.”
This sentence kicks straight into my teeth.
“You don’t have to do this all over again.”
Another kick.
And I know that they are right. I don’t have to do this all over again.
I feel tired. I allow myself to fall asleep. Trusting.
I hate this Qalb related stuff.
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Notes for further Sirr meditations: Ya Qayyum (for the realization of continuous existence beyond the confinements of time and space), Ya Malikal- Mulk (for the realization that it is irrelevant if one is perceived as high or low, as both are manifestations of the same source), Ya Basir (divine seeing of the heart), Ya ‘Alim (for omniscience), Ya Baqi (for freeing oneself from the pressure of whats perceived as time and space), Ya Badi’ (for realizing the infinitude of being and nonbeing), Ya Mutakabbir (for removing all boundaries), Ya Batin (for becoming aware of the “secret of secrets”), Ya Haqq (for getting rid of the minds attachment to a limited concept of the infinite), Ya Fattah (for opening the heart to a deeper understanding process), Ya 'Azim (for translating abstract realizations into mundane life) and Ya Hakam (for discerning wisdom, its probably needed when being confronted with certain realizations).
Wow, I really feel like a dumb piece of shit for starting with the Sirr, back then. I am glad it didn’t work out.
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Sirr meditation with Ya 'Azim, as finding a way to integrate and apply certain findings despite mundane life limitations sounds like a good start.
Visuals: I am levitating. The ground separates itself from me and I am floating away from the world underneath my feet, higher and higher until everything looks so small.
Surprisingly I am finding myself in the embrace of [redacted]; we are both in the likeness of statues but I am feeling soft and light. I am completely covered in black, as in some of my astral travels. My body leaves black smudges and marks on my counterpart. “This is an expression of the will”, he explains and I don’t feel concerned anymore about leaving traces on him. I am at peace.
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Notes for further Ikhfa meditations:
Ya Malikal-Mulk (for trust issues), Ya Wali (for getting back up after being wounded by people who should have acted as protectors / parental wounds in this case), Ya Shafi (as “the” healer), Ya Kafi (as the process of healing), Ya Rahim (for healing the abondonement wound), Ya Latif (for staying kind and showing compassion towards people who don’t quite deserve this), Ya Tawwab (for letting go of grudges), Ya Muhyi (for processing grief), Ya Ra’uf (for accepting the wounded self), Ya Rahman (for healing self-loathing), Ya Waliyy (for healing the alienated self), Ya Bari’ (for freeing oneself from guilt), Ya Ghafur (for healing wounds of shame), Ya 'Alim (for the knowledge of the universe), Ya Nur (for the various forms of wisdom and knowledge), Ya Khabir (for complete inner knowledge), Ya 'Afuw (for forgiving others) and Ya Muhsi (for taking every form of knowledge about everything into account).
Okay, I will most certainly hate to work with almost anyone of them but there is no use to drag my feet on this.
Mixing the dissolved blockages with being completely sober might become a challenge at some point. But I do like a challenge 
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Ikhfa meditation, starting with something light and easy: Ya Kafi. My choice for this name goes along the lines of priming myself for the overall concept of starting the healing process instead of digging right into the “deep sauce”.
Visuals:
reaching out for a violet candle flame. It moves along the palm of my right hand and into an opening of my wrist. It spreads inside my veins as water; it travels up my arm and right into my chest. My upper torso is filled with liquid violet light.
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Added to the last Ikhfa meditation:
I feel a sense of peace, ever since. Even with internal conditionings I am usually very responsive to. Lets see how long this will last.
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Ikhfa meditation with Ya Muhsi. Knowing yourself, knowing others, knowing things and drawing new conclusions (and hopefully working with those in addition to support the healing process).
The visuals are presenting me an elizabethan muffin cap (mhmmmm, muffins…) in golden and black colours. A golden feather decorates the hat and as I my gaze focuses on that feather its suddenly very clear that…and the thought is gone. The visuals blend with the sound of people talking and footsteps and rain in the background of my quiet room.
The feather somehow reminds me of the Huma bird; never coming to rest, consuming itself in flames.
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Reading through Al-Qushayris Epistle on Sufism, I won’t even pretend to know my way around the insights presented in there. One thing stood out to me, regarding the point of gnosis:
Abu Yazid said: “[All] people possess [spiritual] states, whereas the gnostic possesses none, because his personal characteristics (rusum) are totally erased, his personality (huwiyya) is fully annihilated by the personality of the Other, and his qualities are rendered nonexistent by the qualities of the Other.”
According to this I would think that being inwardly erased by the object of ones gnosis seems like a more solid kind of proof when receiving downloads or pieces of UPG. Maybe this approach stretches even far out to the territory of giving readings 
Al-Junaid said: “The colour of the water is the same as the colour of its vessel.” , which hits kind of differently when thinking about how knowledge about something gets inside and how its processed (and maybe communicated) by the vessel.
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Khafi/Khafiya meditation with the help of Ya Khaliq. I want to create everything, at once, now.
I see myself sitting in front of a kitchen table; the room is dark and shelters me from the blinding sun outside of a lush garden. The kitchen has a door straight towards that garden and its slightly opened. When I look down to the table I can see a multitude of light brown coloured building blocks. I shove some of them back and forth, stack them onto another, disassemble them again. I feel a little uninspired.
I am noticing a middle eastern looking man peeking through the slightly opened kitchen door; he has a friendly expression and he is wearing a neon blue outdoor jacket that doesn’t fit the warm temperatures outside. He notices my struggle with the wooden blocks and comes inside, sitting down across the table. He doesn’t speak to me, he simply takes some of these blocks and builds himself…a rather detailed horse.
I suppose its my turn, now. I pick up a few blocks and assemble… a door. No, a gate. The man looks pleased with the outcome. I created a gate. Maybe even the world behind it. Thats certainly up for debate.
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Sirr meditation with Ya Hakam. I need to find some sort of clarity about recent downloads and findings before I proceed.
The visualization leaves me with a crown like headpiece. Its made out of clear crystal and it starts to melt; its no ice, though. The sparkling drops feel warm and make my spine tingle.
They sink into my scalp. Into the back of my head, down to my spine. They drip into my ears and eyes and they are finding their ways into my nostrils and the corners of my mouth. They taste light blue.
Before the crystal crown started to melt into me I had the urge to take it and to destroy it. It seems as if that isn’t necessary; it clearly destroys itself and pours itself into me during its desintegration.
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Ikhfa meditation, back to the unpleasantries. I decided to meditate to Ya Rahman, to slide off some good ol’ self loathing. Feels kind of like digging your way out of a very deep grave with nothing but a spoon. But hey.
The visualization process: pleasant. I am sitting on the edge of a wall, watching the sunset painting a golden and calm ocean in front of my eyes. But it doesn’t feel pleasant. My right hand grasps around several ice cubes. These fuckers won’t melt. They hurt my skin, my hand, my arm, all the way up to my shoulders and my head. Everything is warm, except for me.
I can feel the ice cubes not only in the palm of my hand, but they are also sliding lazily around in my upper torso. They make crinkling noises inside my body and my head tingles from the sound. The ice won’t melt. I suppose that this is my job now: making it melt while staring into the sunset. I feel incredibly cold inside. The comforting scent of burned wood can be traced from afar.
When I get back from the meditation I have goosebumps all over my arms.
I find it strange that I was able to melt crystals in the last meditation but not the ice in the current one.
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