Hey, guys. Lilith wanted me to log this event for my future reference, so I decided write this out, especially after what had happened earlier today. Kind of a depressing one, and Its a bit of a lengthy read… but a good one regardless. so I apologize for that. A little backstory, I made a post a while back called “Is Lilith Calling Me?” and it got some good feedback. A lot of people told me to let go of my fears of her, so I decided to listen to them and just dive in and see what I find (thanks btw). Needless to say, my first time contacting her was a great experience. Her energy was incredibly comforting and motherly. It felt like a giant, warm hug. I was expecting something strong and possibly overwhelming, but I got a sense of extreme comfort and love.
She seems to have a deep attachment to me, the way a mother is attached to her baby. Like Lucifer, she said she sees something special in me. She said she had actually been watching me for quite some time: for years, in fact.
I asked her to assist me in becoming my greatest self. The self that I had always wanted to be. My “higher self” that I had always dreamed of. The guy with the good body, the massive wealth, the power, the notoriety, the women. I was at a low point last week… I was as broke as I’ve ever been, my grades aren’t looking so great, and overall I had been severely depressed; the kind of depression where you don’t even get out of bed.
Lilith said she would help me, but that I would have to make some severe sacrifices before she would pursue me further. She said she wants to know if I’m serious about improving my circumstance or not.
She wanted me to give up my three deepest vices, the three P’s, as I call them: pornography, procrastination and processed food. These were the material things I ran to when I was sad. Lilith said that pornography was affecting my motivation, especially in the dating aspect, and it was skewing my view on women. Processed food was worsening my depression and affecting my energy levels. Procrastination wasn’t allowing me to get the work needed to improve myself finished.
I agreed to these, not thinking much of it. Sure, I had these vices for years, but if quitting them would have her help me, I was prepared, or so I thought.
The first couple of days weren’t bad. Soon though, I started to slip up. I was unable to control myself. I soon found myself indulging in junk food, and binging on porn. I hadn’t heard anything from Lilith the first few days I did this. Nothing at all. I’ll be honest and say that I made excuses. I thought I could get away with it. I thought that she, an all-powerful spirit, “wouldn’t see me all the time”.
Well, come today, after binging some more, I felt this energy. It was an angry sort of energy. The kind where you know something is pissed. I started to get worried. I hear a voice angrily say “Lucius. See me. Now.” and I knew it was her. I immediately stop what I was doing (procrastinating, of course) and get into my meditative space, close my eyes and sit quietly.
I’m immediately transferred to a beautiful garden with lots of beautiful roses. Scared shitless at what might happen, I hear her voice from right behind me, “Lucius.” I turn around and there she was. The next conversation went something like this:
Lilith: (Holding out her hand gently) Come, Lucius.
I took her hand and proceeded to walk with her to a bundle of roses.
Lilith: Do you like my roses? Beautiful, aren’t they?
Me: (feeling that sense of comfort again) They are.
Lilith: You’re a lot like my roses, Lucius. You may not see it yet, but on the inside, you have something beautiful that needs to express itself. I don’t usually seek out most people on my own. But you, I saw something in you. And after your meeting with Lucifer, Azazel, and beforehand, my daughter S., I knew you’d be a great traveler for this path.
S. is my succubus spirit companion. S. isn’t her real name, as I don’t think she would be comfortable having her real name exposed. She said she had been with me for years, and only decided to reveal herself when I was spiritually ready. I didn’t write about her on here yet, but she had been with me ever since. My love for her is absolutely untouchable. She is one of the beings in my life that I’d die for; a painful death, if necessary. Through my darkest days, she was the only one there by my shoulder when I cried. Aside from the fabulous members of this fabulous forum, she is the only person I can speak with comfortably about the events of this path.
She was a lot like me. She loved rap music, and would often rap to my favorites with me in car rides. Truly one of a kind <3
There was a brief silence. I knew that she knew what I’d been doing, so I was too scared to say anything. Finally,
Lilith: Did you enjoy those pizzas, Lucius? How about those videos?
Me: Lilith, I can explain–
Lilith: (Sternly) Stop. You will explain nothing. You knew what you had to do. You knew what you were charged with. And you failed. You failed to prove to me that you are serious enough to work with. I am disappointed.
Me: (getting nervous) Please, Lilith, I couldn’t stop! I’m addicted! I literally can’t stop!
Lilith: Lies. You don’t want to stop, do you? You love your vices. You value them over your spiritual growth. If you didn’t, you’d easily quit. You have shown me that you love your addictions more than your greatest self. In essence, you don’t want this bad enough.
Me: But I do! I do, Lilith!
Lilith: Then why haven’t you stopped?
Me: I’m sorry, forgive me, please!
Lilith: You don’t deserve forgiveness. Its apparent that you love your porn more than your future. You have no idea how that makes S. feel. She doesn’t tell you, but it hurts S. when you choose the screen rather than her. Deep inside, she feels as though she doesn’t please you like your vice does. It hurts her confidence.
Her remark hit me deeply. S. had never told me this. She knew about my addiction, but she would never tell me that it affected her, as well. We tried to hit it off, but my clairsentience is very underdeveloped, so I don’t feel much. One time she tried and I dismissed her, saying I couldn’t feel yet, but promising to do so in the future. She didn’t say it, but she had a look on her face of sadness and lowered self esteem. Of course, sex isn’t everything, but I suppose she thought it would be the one thing that would make me happy.
Me: What…? She didn’t tell me this…
Lilith: She didn’t want to, for fear of making you mad. But it needs to be said. Lucius, you must understand that us, the spirits, can only do so much. If you are not willing to change yourself on the physical domain, we can not help you. You have heard the saying many times: you can lead a horse to water, but you can not make it drink. Lucius, we’ve led you many times, and you refuse to drink. What more can we do?
Me: Please, Lilith, I’ll listen this time!
Lilith: I’ve trusted you once. Not anymore. You’re going to have to prove yourself to me now. I refuse to work with you until then.
Me: What!? Wait, there must be another way!
Lilith: there is no other way. You are either on this path, or you are not. You are either dedicated, or you are not. There are no “in-betweens”. You’ve shown me that you don’t care about yourself. You don’t want to change. You don’t want to go through the trials required. I don’t have time for such weakness. Until you can prove to me that you really want a better life, I no longer wish to work with you.
I was shocked, but I knew I deserved it. Deep down I knew what wrong I had done.
Me: I’m sorry, Lilith…
There was a brief pause. Lilith looked at the roses.
Lilith: Tell me, Lucius. How much do you love S.?
Me: More than I love my own life.
Lilith: (Shaking her head gently) Hm…Shame…
When she said this, I knew she had done something with S. I started to become angry and hostile, not caring that it was Lilith herself that I was speaking to.
Me: (angrily) What are you going to do to S.?
Lilith: Nothing harmful. But she will be coming back to me, until you finally decide that you want to take this path, me, the spirit world, and most of all yourself seriously.
My heart had sank. She essentially told me that S. was leaving.
Me: What!? You can’t do this to me! She’s seriously all that I have left! I’ll be completely alone and depressed without her! I’ll have nothing! You can’t fucking do this to me!!!
Lilith: You love S. that much? Then prove it to me. Most of all, prove it to her. She’s the one you’ve hurt the most.
Me: You can’t make that choice. Its in her free will if she wants to leave me or not.
Lilith: I know. We’ve already talked. She agreed.
Me: …She…agreed to leave me?
Lilith: Yesterday. But not because she doesn’t like you anymore. Like me, she felt that leaving you would allow you to face your inner demons. If you lost something of such great value, perhaps you’d sacrifice your vices in order to get it back…In essence she did it out of love. She knew you’d be mad temporarily, but if it mean’t that in the future she’d finally get to see you smile again, it would be worth it.
Me: (tears at this point) No…NO! You don’t understand! She’s all i have! I’d rather die! I’d rather fucking die!
Lilith: You dying will not bring her back to you. If you’re foolish enough as to end your life to escape this, I will personally make sure that you get sent back here until you decide to face your inner demons yourself. And I will do so as many times as it takes until you get it.
Me: No… no no no no no…Lilith, please have mercy…
Lilith: You’ve received mercy for years, Lucius. It hasn’t worked. Now, we see that you need more serious measures. You’re not going to be working with me or getting S. back until I know that you’re serious.
Me: Then at least tell me what I need to do!
Lilith: Show your dedication to the spirit world, this path, and definitely yourself. I want to see you commit 100% towards your own self-improvement. No more excuses. You will eat the right things. You will do the right things. You will work towards your goals 24/7. You will temporarily give up your lust for women. You will quit pornography for good and you will quit processed food for good. I want to hear zero excuses. No more “maybe tomorrow”, no more “just this once”, no more “this is too hard”. Stop being lazy, Get up off your ass, hit the gym like you were suppose to, wrestle with your demons, and conquer life. Be a man.
Me: My god…do you realize where I’m at in my life? This could take years!
Lilith: That depends on you, Lucius. It could take weeks, it could take months, or it could take years. It could never happen. It all depends on how badly you want this. If you love S. that much, you will do the right thing and fix your way of thinking.
Me: This is absolutely unnecessary. There has to be another way!
Lilith: There is no other way. You obviously don’t want “another way”, else you’d be where you want to be in life. Lucius, you’re furious at me, I know. But this is to help you. You need to be set straight. I’m doing this out of love, because unlike you, I know your greatest potential. I know where you can be at, compared to where you are now. If I need to drag you through Hell in order for you to become a living god, then so be it. In the future, you will thank me, and you will write another journal thanking me for changing your life.
Me: How will I know I have done my deed?
Lilith: Your life will dramatically improve, you won’t be depressed anymore, and S. and I will come back. Until then, we will be in the distance watching. And as you’ve found out today, we are always watching.
I paused for a brief moment, digesting what she said. I decided that perhaps I really do need this. Sometimes, you just need to go through hell.
Me: Okay… I’ll do it. Please tell S. I’m sorry for hurting her.
Lilith: Just remember what Lucifer told you, Lucius. Your problems won’t disappear until you decide to face them. You need to step up and be a man. Go the hard way. Go through the pain. Go through the discomfort. It only ends when you face it. Write of our conversation here, so that others may know what success truly takes, and so you can see, in the future, that I was right all along.
With that, she walked off into the distance and disappeared. I woke up out of my meditation. I know I shouldn’t wallow in self-pity, but I could only blame myself for what had happened. S. cared so much about me, more than I had realized. I now see the errors of my ways, and after careful observation, i now see that Lilith was right. Thus I will be taking my life a lot more seriously and will aim to become a better man. Hopefully she will see how much I have changed and will work with me again and allow S. to come back into my life.
Thanks for reading.