Feeling suicidal

New Magician Help & Introductions
1

Hello all,

So I entered to a blood pact with Belial back in late December. Ever since I made this pact with Belial my life has gone to complete shit. I lost over $4,000 to scammers. My entire savings from my disability gone. I’m completely devastated, shattered, and broken. I got my first arrest, and had to spent a night a night in the drunk tank, and got into a fight with a sister’s boyfriend. Prior to that fight with my sister’s boyfriend I was in a psychotic rage because my mom got mad at me because I had wanted to go to my friends because of their dead dog’s anniversary. Which was just an excuse to go get high and drunk. What drives me to use drugs and drink is escape this internalized homophobia that I have. I suffer from these same sex feelings that I have. I hate the fact I’m gay and hate my life. Part of this blood pact with Belial is that I wanted him to take away these same sex feelings I’ve suffered from for years and make me completely heterosexual. Which I want so badly in life. I remember as a child being straight but somehow along the way I ended up gay. Part of the blood pact with Belial is that I asked him to keep me HIV free. Because of my internalized homophobia I engaged in a lot of risky sex over the years. Mostly with condoms but quite a bit of times I didn’t use a condom. I’ve been suffering from lower back pain and I’m extremely paranoid that I’m HIV+. If I am, I’m going to simply die. I already have herpes type 1 and 2 from my piece of shit girlfriend. If I do end up being HIV + on my next bloodtests I’m going to kill myself. I can’t suffer any more heartache in my life. All the money lost to these piece of shit scammers, these same sex feelings, all the drug use and drinking, potentially being HIV positive( which I pray that I’m not) but I can’t help but feel like I am, and the fuck ton of other problems that I have. The lower back pain seems to come in the lower back when I’m tripping on acid it seems for some reason. I’m 26 btw. I shouldn’t have any back pain at all. I read once sometime last year that lower back pain is a sign of being HIV+… I unfortunately, engaged in several sexual escapades without protection and might’ve risked catching something. ) I was involved in a verbal altercation with a coworker last December and have been on paid ato since then. My life has gone to complete shit. I did this blood pact with Belial to fix my life and my life has gone completely down the toilet for the most part. I still have a roof over my head, some money in the bank, but this pack pain is bothering me. I write this nightmare right now as I’m tripping.

4 Likes
2

I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time right now. We are a forum that discusses magick, if you are feeling like you want to hurt yourself. Please please please seek professional help. Below you will find links and numbers where you can get actual help.

IASP

IASP Home - IASP

Dedicated to preventing suicide and suicidal behaviour, alleviating its effects, and providing a forum for academics, mental health professionals, crisis workers, volunteers, and suicide survivors. Learn more SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPSIASP member led…

Est. reading time: 1 minute

If you feel that you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number or go to your local hospital emergency room right away. If you are unsure of the right number to call, please visit this link and call the number next to the country where you are located:

en.wikipedia.org

List of emergency telephone numbers

In many countries, dialing either 1-1-2 (used in Europe and parts of Asia) or 9-1-1 (used in the Americas) will connect callers to the local emergency services. Some countries use other emergency telephone numbers, sometimes also depending on the emergency service. Some but not necessarily all emergency numbers are listed below. Maritime Emergency Service - 19; Gendarmerie - 118; National Gendarmerie - 122 Highway police - 1880;

Here are some additional contacts:

US: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

US LGBTQ Youth (the Trevor Project): 1-866-488-7386

US Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 (press 1)

Canada: 1-800-784-2433

International: Befrienders Worldwide http://www.befrienders.org/

Australia: 13-11-14 (lifeline) or 1-800-55-1800 (kids help line for 5-25 yrs old)

UK Samaritans: 116 123 (UK) & 116 123 (ROI) free of charge, or e-mail: [email protected]

6 Likes
3

I’m very sorry you’re having such a hard time. Kudos for your work with Belial. I think he’s a good choice and can also help you with your fears about sickness, which is half the battle in healing them. It’s not true that viruses can’t be healed.

You sound a wee bit hypochondriac though, it’s a kind of addictive paranoia, and Belial can break you out of that self attacking mindset. He’s the breaker of all chains.

All the money lost to these piece of shit scammers, these same sex feelings, all the drug use and drinking, potentially being HIV positive( which I pray that I’m not)

Having this list is great, you already know what you want to do, and you have path through Belial to get there. And I hear you saying you hope you actually don’t have an immune disorder, which means you want to live and try. :slight_smile: Good for you, you don’t have to let the shitty people and circumstances you’ve been through beat you, I know you know that.

I hope the info @Nephenthe gave is helpful, and if you are seriously thinking of suicide, you may be facing problems that are beyond what people on here can assist with - but maybe you’re reacting to the very reasonable fear of the test, and no one cam blame you for that.

BALG is all about empowerment and overcoming hurdles. How did your last working with Belial go?

Are you open to talking to other entities on the healing aspects? I love Ebuhuel from the Angels of Omnipotence myself (he’s not like a god bothering angel of anything, he’s alright).

4 Likes
4

You know what, I was going to skip the March MFWB because I’m moving soon, but I feel inspired to call out a special healing group on group one day working for all and anyone who wants some healing energy, a pit of a pick me up or a mood enhancer.

You’re welcome to join, or you can just know it’s going on and be sure I for one will be calling on my favourite entities to contribute. All you have to do it look for the little good things and think about how to make them grow and get more of those. From noticing a gentle breeze on your face to getting a great coffee. :slight_smile:

If you feel so called, join us :slight_smile:

4 Likes
5

Is the year 2022. HIV is not a death sentence anymore. With the very effective medication, nowadays is a chronic infection.

Sorry about that. Maybe you need to reframe the solution to your problems?

Mate, go and see a doctor. Nobody can give you any more advise on the topic, not here.

3 Likes
6

Why lol.

Damn it be like that sometimes.

I can give you tips and resources to earn more money but you have to stay down (live below your means).

1 Like
7

Yeah I don’t recommend blood pacts lol. Your basically giving a demon full access to your being.

That’s a good gratitude list.

Also back pain is common haha.

I really recommend doing some yoga for it.

Yoga is also good for depression and PTSD.

Also consider therapy, if you can’t afford it buy a book by a psychologist I recommend 12 rules for life and The Now Habit.

The Now Habit was given to me by the old mod Lady Eva, I actually spoke to her right after a suicide attempt and she gave me resources to get my life back in order.

I recommend Jordan Peterson self authoring suite he developed it with other psychologist it’s basically therapy through writing and self analysis.

My therapist recently had me write out all my truama as much as I could and rate it 1-10 jail, bi-polar 1 mania, and trying to kill my family (while manic) were at about a 12.

If you are terminally ill I recommend weed (probably safer than LSD and alcohol) and Dr.Sebi’s diet, it’s pretty strict and considered holistic. He claimed to be able to cure cancer and AIDs, from what I understand he had over 100 testimonial witnesses come to the stand in defense of his practice and he was found not guilty.

I wouldn’t normally share something like this casually, I only do so in the case you truly are AIDs positive.

Even if you are positive you can probably get a couple shamanic trips in and set up a relationship with a death entity or grime reaper.
I recommend la Santa muerte.

Screenshot_20220302-200018
Screenshot_20220302-200018991×833 44.1 KB

Also it seemed like you were dealing with some sexuality issues, I’ve been there. I prefer women but to each their own. Just realize you can “trick” yourself to a different sexual orientation or even gender. I can’t go too in depth about that but realize you’re not alone.

3 Likes
8

You don’t do pacts to fix your life. You do them to learn about how to control it, how to learn about yourself, and how to learn from them more generally.

I’m going to suggest you get to the bottom on your feelings about being gay. It’s easier to heal things when you know where they come from. I remember being scared the first time I realized I wasn’t straight. It didn’t last years or anything, but I remember it and that’s a feeling I would never wish to have again. To be afraid of something you are is something else when compared to external fears. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think something else to consider is how you feel about other people who are gay, or other people being gay…that might shed some light on your situation.

3 Likes
9

Yeah, supposedly Belial can change a persons sex orientation. I’ve never asked him to do this, cause I don’t care about it. But I don’t think it is like a “get that for free” thing you know. You are going to have to do something for him. I’ve heard he likes political goals. (but I can’t go into any more details on that publicly on this forum.)

2 Likes
10

One observation I’d like to make is your coping skills need some upgrading. Instead of coping with your fears and discomforts by getting high and drunk all the time you can learn other ways. Like reach out to friends and family for support to ride out the low tides of your life. You can excercise, get into shape, learn to Meditate or try yoga.

My point is there are plenty of pro social, healthy ways to deal with what’s going on in your life.

I’m not against substance use but when you’re not even enjoying yourself or it’s getting you into trouble with friends, family and the law then it’s actually a problem.

I disagree with @Mulberry on this one point. I do not think it was sound advice for you to work with belial in the condition your life and spirit are currently in. Belial can be devastating and heartless and brutal as he strips things away from you that aren’t helping you grow. I understand what she was saying however and yes if you manage to get through this you’ll think of belial as the only one who could help you save yourself. That is if you decide to go through this and make the right changes in your attitudes, beliefs and practices

I know from my experience with Azazel over a two year period where I almost killed myself several times it was so harsh.

So my thoughts are in closing that you need to stop or slow down the drinking and drugging. Chose healthy spiritual practices like meditation and energy work, banishing and grounding for awhile until you become stronger and stable.

I wish you the best my friend.

7 Likes
11

People here give great advices. If you follow them, everything will be fine. We are with you. You need to ground yourself again first and the rest will come too. Do not abuse substances tho especially if you have addictive personality

1 Like
12

Also, when you feel suicidal, realize that you have the ability to change your thought pattern at will. Like speaking out loud, if you dont like the discussion course, change the subject by introducing something new into the conversation.
So when your thoughts go into those deep dark places, change the subject.

13

People tend to land in the occult when they feel miserable. It’s true.

The mistake is thinking a spirit is going to fix your life and you’ll feel better. The mistake is evoking and getting into a pact without understanding what methods spirits use. The mistake is not knowing how hard a teacher these spirits can be.

They are called Demons. They are Gods of the past some of them. They are fallen or infernal spirits. They are not angels, they are not gods of light and peaceful glory.

Belial and others are known for tormenting people so they might evolve. I stand by my words on asking him to lay off or asking for some kinder guidance.

@Mike_Bee I believe has hit it with his words. He’s There’s a reason magick is recommended to the mentally stable. A reason some of us put off workings until we are more stable. Spirits like to push.

4 Likes
14

First of all your back pain most possibly is the result of having muscle imbalances which can be easily fixed with simple stretches and maybe yoga.

I have sometimes shoulder pain or hip pain and that is due to emotional stress. And you sound as you are going through some heavy stuff there.

If it is not an injury then the higher possibility is that it is a nerve pain. So when your spirit heals and you make some positive changes you will go back to normal.

Visit a doctor just in case. Also a doctor who does acupuncture can help you too.

About your homophobia.
You said that you also had a girlfriend. This could mean that you are bisexual. Which is absolutely fine. The majority of people are bisexuals in some spectrum.

I m considering myself straight but i have kissed 8 different girls. And i do have fantasies about other women. However i dont panic.

Sex is pleasure and what you want to do for your pleasure is nothing to feel embarrassed about nor it defines you as a person (with the exception of pedophilia. Pedophilia is NOT acceptable under any circumstances).
So either you have fantasies of men or women it is all good.
You dont have to explain yourself to noone. You also dont need to put on yourself any label.

Just enjoy what you feel drawn to enjoy and make the most out if your life.

Maybe if you sleep with another man , might not feel as great as you imagined it. And maybe it feels exciting because it feels forbidden.
There is nothing wrong in experimenting.
Just open up yourself to lust.

2 Likes
15

Thank you very much. Sorry for the late response.

1 Like
16

I am completely open to other entities of the healing aspects. I’ve never heard of Ebuhel from the angels of Omnipotence. I’ll have to check him out.

1 Like
17

I understand. But I don’t fucking want it. I already have Herpes type 1 and 2. I don’t need anymore. Seriously, fuck that. I will cease to exist if I do end up with it.

Yes, I do have to reframe the solution to my problems. Big time.

I will go see a doctor.

18

Because I wanted his powers and expertise and grant me my deepest, darkest personal desires.

Yes, I’m interested. Thank you.

19

Welcome @Completelyworthless Please follow the rules of this forum and properly introduce yourself, before making any more posts. CLICK ON THE IMAGE BELOW and tell us about yourself and any experience you may have in magick, such as what you practice, how long you have practiced, areas of interest, etc:

intro3

20

I now realize that. Hindsight is 20/20. I’m either my worst enemy or Belial is a fucking asshole.

Wow, that Avatar meme is dead on. Omg. How can I “trick” myself to a different sexual orientation. Thank you. It’s been an absolute nightmare.