@Unknown_Person sorry i just…
too much trauma, too much pain, too much lost, too much time…
lets talk about something else if you want to.
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i never needed to. i would always connect to them enough so i could hear them, or let them use my mouth, or type/write down the words
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i currently dont have a income, am still settign things up with future possible employerS
once im more fluid in finances, i could order various books on evokaiton, as i despise ebooks.
for most of the time, i find myself unable to use my laptop for anything actually productive, and even balg may sometimes devolve into mere masturbatory mental and social behavior.
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if asking for enough…
~i asked odin weeks back if he could help me with getting some pussy… he told me to be bold and honest about my desires, and made me give him a list of girls i was interested in.
and now its rather certain, i wont even be contacted by a single one.
~my lesson learned, huh?
(WELL, that is IF it was him and not a eggregore)
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What in the deep wet incestial FUCK?
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called dra-talon to kill my mortal-father…idk why that didnt happen.
maybe it wasnt him, or just not aligned with what other deities want with me…idk
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it is, because they make me look more imcompetent than i am.
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Echos from beyond time.
I need to reconnect to the old ones, i really do.
~but the point of this post is, i just had another seizure.
Which is a phenomenon i first experienced with the old ones, as i would feel deeply touched by them. I still somewhat do, but i feel more numb in recent times. My ears are acting all weird again.
Anyway. Japan has a similar feeling.
~I wonder, if this is my destiny…being guided by serizures and deep sensations, to places and currents, to gather the pieces of my soul or whatever.
Because, this is what i feel about japan.
The is joy, pleasure, pain, longing, recognition, homesickness to a palce i supposedly have no connection to (at least physically)
I know, that i need to go there.
And i know, that i want to go there…before too much of it is sunken through the melting pole-caps.
Japan… i feel like i “need to return home” before both of us go.
In contras to the old ones, who always gave me a rather terrifying but also familiar feeling, something that screams “spiritual family”
So went to a job meeting, spend hours and probably it wasnt really worth it. -but at least i left the house.
Not gonna lie, i dont think much of the chances.
i will, for the first time…look up social support. ~i could have done that years ago, but until now, i always had enough of the illusion of dignity and pride, keeping me from “falling this low”, but in actuality, i had lived worse than the “parasites” …so i guess its time to revaluate my standing in society, huh?
I cant describe the odd feeling.
The city “Pirna” near Dresden is… if dresden’s old archetecture was higher class and everywhere, since they didnt had well… literal hellfire and boiling asphalt in 1945. Pirna is a nice city.
idk if its because of whatever crap is bothering my damn ears,
some parastie or healign process…
but i felt …idk like a stranger (duh) but…even dresden felt different.
its been so long since i made a trip at all…
things are changing, i suppose.
BTW ~when i went down those historic streets, i had a clear idea in my mind. I could not picture those 18th and 19th century buildings, combined with anythign norse or slavic.
This city, jsut rich with sandstone and craftsmenship and just the all surrounding ooze of class… its soul is not nordic, but i can picture freemasons and qaballic folks being there, and some dark or grey mystics. …And well, christian sheep hiding behind the blinds or rushing across the streets, avoiding eye-contact.
Been reading “the way of men” again, but also outside of that, was thinkign a lot about society.
i dont care how, but i will obtain a library, and the money necessary for it.
this was part of a spiritual-allergic reaction to a set of jewish-christian “divine” names in a book on spiritual selfdefense
@Mulberry
darkness brings forth:
1= seed
2= roots
3= trunk
4= branches
5= leafs, blossoms, fruits
white light?
all it does is cuttign and restricting.
being impotent and unable to create anything.
It can only “bless” by lifting curses/limitations on you(THAT ITSELF PUT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE), OR by redirecting what already was provided somewhere else
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i have been busy.
chanting over 8 hours my affirmations,
and constructing words and phrases.
~Example for the later:
“iam stronger than hostile spirits”
short: ai-na-dsh oLeti
long: Ahmos Etar Enogi Etho Lupeh
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idk…
various things went on, that make me unsure of whats exactly happening.
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Been returnign to this video. i like this primal honesty.
~And i dream of a humanity that will transcend our current limits
of selfhealing/regenerative abilities, so we could shout and kill and suffer and fight and win and dominate. Become stronger in mind and soul, take bullets and rusty blades for those we love, or to protect what is ours.
From “Call of Cthulhu”
“They worshipped, so they said, the Great Old Ones who lived ages before there were any men, and who came to the young world out of the sky. Those Old Ones were gone now, inside the earth and under the sea; but their dead bodies had told their secrets in dreams to the first men, who formed a cult which had never died. This was that cult, and the prisoners said it had always existed and always would exist, hidden in distant wastes and dark places all over the world until the time when the great priest Cthulhu, from his dark house in the mighty city of R’lyeh under the waters, should rise and bring the earth again beneath his sway. Some day he would call, when the stars were ready, and the secret cult would always be waiting to liberate him.”
“[…] those first men formed the cult around small idols which the Great Ones shewed them; idols brought in dim aeras from dark stars. That cult would never die till the stars came right again, and the secret priests would take great Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth. The time would be easy to know, for then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and revelling in joy. Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom. Meanwhile the cult, by appropriate rites, must keep alive the memory of those ancient ways and shadow forth the prophecy of their return.”
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@Unknown_Person
Tired.
The ears are stuffy. Used my “speach” again to create someone after a long time of not making anyone.
She made no demands, except that i should act upon the things she is supposed to improve for me.
If im not mistaken, “the speach” is NOT a proper tool for this sort of thing. ~Its like using a flamethrower to burn down weeds in the garden. Its effective, very much so, but also asks for a price.
I think i know now, why in the past it was so easy for me to do great things, its because i used techniques that would compensate spiriutal power with my own or foreign lifeforce. […] Well that sounds dumb.
My lovely little creation, i offered her to be go to my higher self, instead of being absorbed back into me. ~Maybe its because im drained, but i dont want her to suffer, being a part of me.
I hope my little inhuit-japanese looking girl, with some blue strans… i hope my lovely little something will be fine.
Im dizzy.
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i got some notes that you might like, but im tired -so i miiight show you my idea later
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