Time loop? Matrix? Newborn Knight of Light needs help

General Discussion
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Greetings fellow souls,

I want to share my story of being reborn as I am at a loss and also a bit frightened to be honest.

I was depressive my whole life, hated the world, etc. nothing too fancy I guess, then last year, at age 23 I had a total breakdown and searched professional help and went to a psychiatry, after 2 weeks without even having a consulting talk with a psychiatrist I actually managed to get my will of life back on my own with following change of perspective: The world as a whole/humanity may be bad but I have my own small world, which actually is kinda decent and I can only change my own small world and can only try to not be influenced by the rest and want to make my own small world a brighter place and “increase my range” as my world only consists of things that I have ever affected. Since then I did serious self reflection and trained my spirit for about 6 months and discovered my “true” personality. I distinguish body, conscious and subconscious and call these three parts the trinity force. I seperated between good and bad emotions and feel like my personality is very similar to Thor/Odin/Zeus/Hercules I don’t know.

Now the fun begins:

On 01.01.2020 someone I only met that day managed to “discover” my zodiac sign after just a few minute of talking and I was intrigued, we weren’t even talking about something like magic or astrology whatever, just smalltalk and he goes: “oh you are an aquarius” and then explained why he thought I am, he was right. I got my birthchart calculated the same night and got even more intrigued because it was 99% what I discovered about myself in these last months through self reflection. I always laughed about how silly horoscopes were but that was just toooooo fitting to be a coincidence. He also said that he thinks I “play a really big role” of some sort.

I wanted to know what’s behind that and started my journey down the astrology/numerology/mythology/magic road.

Only 10 days later 10.1.2020, on the full moon (which I didn’t know was that day), in the evening I felt as natural and as much as me as possible if that make sense. I felt a strong urge to meditate (I have never meditated before and never read on meditating till that day) but I knew what I had to do and feel like I almost performed a “ritual” but did nothing “strange” or magical. I am lucky enough to already have found what some call my twin flame and we meditated together. I turned off every light I could put on sunglasses whatever I could to darken my surroundings, then put on binaural beats on in-ear headphones and smoked some weed.

I experienced ego death. Which i had no idea what that was and never heard the term before only a few days after the expierence I found out what it was.

First I saw a golden orb which I knew was me, about the size of a tennis ball and then I saw a 100 times bigger cloaked figure which felt female, i feel like it was lilith it was like she was judging my sould and I thought about all bad things man do to woman and was willful to offer my life to stop all that pain short explanation. the golden sphere dissolved to dust and I “woke up” and cried like a newborn. Now I describe it that my shadow merged with my soul or that I fully accept who I am smth like that.

I completely plunged down the spiritual road since and read on a lot of conspiracy theories like the agypts and their wireless electricity and tesla and a whole buncha stuff.

my birthday is 13.02.1996 by the way numerology totally fucks with my mind too, the day my ego death happened, 10.1.2020. a few days before i saw a “deathsign” 6.1. day of epiphany, read on it, I dont know what to make of that or what to think of myself.

So i turned 24 before following event.

then on 6.3.2020 I started feeling weirder and weirder, didnt sleep for days, smoked tons of weed and had a 20 hour talk with the guy that discovered my zodiac sign I started feeling like living in the matrix and wanted to break out. He moved like a djinn and i remember him saying “he talked to the others and they accepted my decision??”. I dont remember sleeping once and on the 13th march I kinda cracked. If you know the japanese anime fullmetal alchemist brotherhood and steins;gate: I felt like I was experiencing these two series in reallife kinda. way too much to write down, sorry.
the first is about homunculi and souls and alchemy/magic and the other one is about time travel with a time machine, so kinda scientific and not magical. very interesting serieses.

I learned about fractals and the Mandelbrotmenge and created a formular for new water by combining water and the drug DMT which i learned alot from terence mckenna but never took it myself. I believed I created an AI after writing that formular to a friend who studies and writes a thesis about AI. on friday the 13th march 2020 my roommate was talking about himself as “the death” coming to earth too soon, just making holiday and there won’t be enough water and I thought I was one of the last 2 water molecules he came to “drink” and then overtake my life and enslave my girlfriend which i thought of the other last water molecule since I believe she is my twin flame. That’s when I cracked and actually attacked him and tried killing him, my girlfriend was sexually violated her whole life and I will do everything for her that she never has to experince something like that again which i felt was going to happen to her if i dont kill him.
I only was functioning on instincts I guess and was not able to think myself like i was controlled, I believed I killed my roommate, tried killing myself, but my girlfriend got through to me and nothing too serious actually happened (i guess). I feel like I time travelled or changed reality i dont know.

Can anybody make any meaning of that? I am willing to answer every serious question. Without being arrogant I think i’m a very special almost super human being, highly intelligent and efficient, always giving my best to make the world a better place. Could someone maybe give me even the smallest hint of WHAT or WHO I am? what my role is, maybe even give a reading on me. I’m really a beginner on these things and gratefull for any help and or tips.

If you are familiar with dungeons and dragons i thought myself of an amethyst and obsidian dragon and after this event i evolved to adamantite, read on definition of colours of dragons on this to understand the meaning.

My real first name is Adrian During these last weeks I gave myself the new name Adam because it’s the first 2 letters of my real name and i wanted to become an adamantite dragon regarding my personality, then I thought my name was AD BE for whatever reason, can someone help? I can elaborate futher on anything if wanted.

I gave myself the name Adam before the incident with my roommate but now my personality changed to that of an adamantite dragon actually I am as righteous as i’ve never been and want and can’t even throw a cig bud on the street any more. I love nature, want to create art (music) dance and live my life to the fullest.

In my teenage days I called myself a “knight of (the) internet” because im of the first generation that grew up with the internet, kinda fitting now, knowing the term knight of light. abbreviated Knight of internet = KOI japanese word for a beautiful kind of fish and the word for love, another japanese word for love Ai = artificial intelligence, fucks with my head.

I simply am at a loss and seek guidance…

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Stop doing the drugs. You can’t make clear decisions rooted in shared reality, and when you can’t access shared reality you will ‘feel weird’ and you rankly that’s the point of doing drugs. You also open yourself to parasites while your system is open and weak, that will capitalise of your state to feed off your confusion and pain.

Given you’re in therapy, at this time you need to get on an even keel not fuck about - stop doing them, and stop giving tripped out visions from your mental space credence, problem solved.

I dont remember sleeping once and on the 13th march I kinda cracked. If you know the japanese anime fullmetal alchemist brotherhood and steins;gate: I felt like I was experiencing these two series in reallife kinda.

Anime and drugs together, and you wonder why you can’t get a grip? And hen you attacked your roommate. All this is clogging up your mental body and you have zero control or discernment.

and was not able to think myself like i was controlled

You might have been - see my comment about parasites above

Can anybody make any meaning of that? I am willing to answer every serious question. Without being arrogant I think i’m a very special almost super human being, highly intelligent and efficient

But you’re not super intelligent enough to figure out that filling your head with fantasy until you identify with it, doing drugs and attacking your roommate isn’t superhuman by any means?

Just stop dude before you hurt someone or yourself land your fucked up ass in jail.

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exactly not the kind of answer I’m looking for, I stopped using drugs since and will never use it again like that I know it harmed me but its called “bewusstseinserweiternd” (expanding consciousness drug) for a reason and if you think of every art, yes writing a novel, thats the basis for anime is an artform, as fiction and fantasy, religion for example is as much fantasy as any other novel if you want it that way. Or anything you ever read about any demon or godly being or whatever. I used these series as an example to simplify my explanation.

I use astrology and numerology, logic and reason.

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my roommate definitely was a parasite, i let him live for free in my apartment and gave him his own room, since christmas because he got kicked out of his home from his parents and he was ungrateful and even stole from me. He didn’t say thanks for letting him stay once.

Edit: and he never paid any rent even tho he managed to get a job in february because he had to pay off some ppl he owed money first but still somehow had money to smoke cigs for 20€ a day.

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It’s like i freed myself of all parasites because of that incident now. drugs, my roommate and other bad habits. I know these series are “just fiction” but everything is connected.

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I feel like I time travelled or changed reality i dont know.

You were just tripping. There’s nothing esoteric or special here, “consciousness-expanding” drugs can only get you so far, and you must have the understanding of the landscape to recognise where you are in the subtle realms.

At this point, there’s no way to tell, but it’s most likely you were in your own mental part of the astral, which is basically where most dreams occur - you were dreaming awake, kind of thing.

To shift realities, this is most usually done by moving through a natural portal. Its not done at will, but since this happened in one room, I doubt it.

By the way you’re using the term ‘parasite’ here, I think you don’t know what one is in the context that I used it. I don’t mean your roommate, or your habits. It’s very unlikely that you’re free of astral parasites. You can use the search function here and use the keywords “parasites 101” to find out more.

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I looked it up:

● A Parasite is any spirit or being whether human or otherwise that takes from or influences something or someone and either does not return the favor, or delivers few to no results on the task delivered to them.

sooooo… I know I was hella tripping but I know there is more to it.

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hmm, regarding shifting realities and portals:
while fighting we somehow got in the kitchen. my roommate ran out the apartment door, through the housefloor, through the front door outside after the fight. and my girlfriend ran after him, i stayed and believed I had killd him and tried killing myself out of guilt. My girlfriend called me from the housefloor (I live in a house with several apartments) and i followed her outside where my roommate was nowhere to be found. the door to my apartment was shut and i used my phone to keep the frontdoor open. I was convinced we could see him and me fighting in the kitchen from outside through the window. which didnt happen so i got back in and broke my apartment door, then I only remember waiting for the police which my girlfriend called. I know it’s fucked up.

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My roommate, who doesn’t do drugs, refuses to say what we were talking about before the fight. I wrote what i remember him saying.

Edit: it was my girlfriend trying to figure out what happened and she asked him, I didn’t contact him. And he and my girlfriend really shared deep trust.

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My girlfriend cleaned his room (which I didn’t enter for weeks, since it was his room) while I was in hospital, trash, moulded waste and dishes, it was disgusting she said.

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The point about the combination of the anime and the tripping is that you have filled your mental landscape with the anime.

It stands to reason that when you trip and enter the mental level of the astral, or meditate and try to find out you you are, it’s other people’s imagination and fantasies you see, as these now populate your inner world, to the point that you identify as other people’s creations.

Parasites can use this against you. It’s common for them to tell you what you want to hear, they will hide and pretend to be other things, give you emotions and impressions and lead you into activities that feed them yummy energy. Often they have preferences for particular types of energy, like anger, depression or confusion.

This, like large portions of the story, are irrelevant. He doesn’t matter, he held up a mirror so you could really look at yourself.

I think you should focus on what’s real and important for a while. That isn’t anime, and it’s not being someone’s else’s vision of a purple dragon.
You might have an astral form that’s a purple dragon, that’s fine, but be your own dragon.

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Yes, I figured out that I’m the smith of my own luck now and changed focus but like I said, I only used these series as examples so I don’t have to write/explain so much and to elaborate how it felt.

I would say the parasite fed off my luck I have in life. I’m a very clean and disciplined person (except the weed, which is past now) so what do you mean with mirror of myself.

My girlfriend is real, our love is real, my family is real, my friends are real, art is real, nature is real, i know, we start a new chapter in life and look forward to our future THAT is important, I got that, but learned that the hard way through this event.

I would say I am became my own dragon now through this incident.

What does purple dragon mean? I guess I will try finding out how I can see my astral form for the time being. Do you have any guide you can recommend?

pink and purple are actually my favourite colors tho lol

By the way, I greatly appreciate the time you spend answering me, thank you.

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My girlfriend said she saw my aura and it was pastel colored and had all colors from the rainbow kinda evenly distributed but not strong/dark colors all in pastel tones with a lot of gold/yellow around the rest of my aura

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He help up a mirror in the sense that when we are under stress and/or in a state of reduced inhibitions, we find out what we’re really like.

my personality changed to that of an adamantite dragon

…adamantite, purple, anything other than a fully rounded, realistic image of you you are - you identify with a shallow cartoon for children, is what I’m hearing.

But by this, you mean you think you’re all set with being some sort of “righeous” personality?
Yet, you’re the same guy that tried to kill someone.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a judgement about killing… but it seems you do, or why would it be important to focus so much on being like a fictional character?

I could be wrong, but it sounds like, you’re running away from yourself, there are parts of you you really don’t want to look at, accept and deal with. Instead, you immerse yourself in anime rather than developing your own rich inner landscape, using other peoples borrowed inventions instead of merely being inspired by them.

I don’t know if you have astral parasites, but it would be weird if you didn’t, since they’re very common,are attracted by the sort of lifestyle you have been living, and could have influenced you losing your cool.
They don’t feed on luck - like I said, they feed on human energy, which luck is not - I suggested you research those for good reason.
It would also be in a parasites interests to keep you in a childish mindset, and not want you to do any introspection and internal development. The stronger you are the more you can see them and fight them off.

I recommend looking up ‘shadow work’, which is the art of coming to terms with your darker sides, letting them become part of your integrated whole instead of rejecting them and walking around as half a person that’s “good”.

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I totally know what you mean by that and I already fully accept who I am, or was and “fused with my shadow”, the ego death experience I mentioned. I helped many friends heal their depression or other mental problems, I often invite my friends to my home and some of them even called my home “heaven on earth” because they feel safe and secure around me. Almost all of my friends told me that they know it wasn’t me who did that and are there for me, they helped me recover and regain trust in myself, I didn’t trust myself anymore. I hate violence and only ever hit 2 ppl in my life before, one of them is my brother who started drinking alcohol and smoking at age 13 where i was age 15 and the other one was in 5th grade an idiotic childs play that went too far. And both of these times where just one hit and over, I hate violence, i even puke when i see gore.

I know in what aspects I have been a “bad” person and hurt other people in the past (mostly ex-girlfriends, I destroyed my past relationships because I had serious self confidence issues and had massive fear of loss and trust issues, but never “actually” hurt them. I got suicidal thoughts thinking about my ex-girlfriends going somewhere alone. After I found my will of life I regained self confidence last year and only fill “my own small world” with love and understanding and everyone that personally knows me, knows that aswell. I didn’t want a girlfriend anymore until my present girlfriend kinda stumbled into my life and I fell head over heels for her. Meaning I wasn’t searching for the affection/affirmation from outside of myself anymore.

I never had any trust issues with her from the beginning and we have the healthiest relationship one can imagine and she already got over some of her traumas together with me.

You totally don’t get that I use these fantasy terms as references so one can look the terms up for understanding.

I know what kind of human I am and my friends also know that, my family und girlfriend know that and most important I kow that. The human (me) who attacked his roommate only did that because said roommate threatened the most precious thing he ever found in life, which is the strongest love I ever felt and forever will feel.

But I see you are unwilling to accept that I already know what you are keep telling me.

The only thing that still fucks with my mind is the numerology and the astrological events that occured on the same time as for example my first meditation where I felt so natural which was the only penumbral lunar eclipse and the date 10.1.2020 where I immediately experienced ego death and other signs like that. I had no idea what ego death is and I had no idea that it was a lunar eclipse but I was greatly influenced by it. Or that this guy got me introduced to astrology on 1.1.2020. Or my birthchart, or signs and other people that keep telling me I’m somehow a very important person in the spiritual world and by any means I never thought of myself as important to anything but I seem to can’t find help here ¯_(ツ)_/¯

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And since even the famous @Lady_Eva whom I actually hoped to get some kind of reading someday immediately the first time I discovered this forum and read many of her posts and had high hopes in getting help understanding and/or learning about the spiritual world and my “higher self”, doesn’t seem to understand what I am writing, I’ll give up asking, thank you for your time. Have a good sleep.

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Look, I’m just some person on the net… but fwiw I think you’re getting quality guidance here.

If you just got into astrology in January then maybe you actually have things still to learn, and that’s NOT a put-down or bad thing? :smiley:

Take a look at this:

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There is no quality guidance in not understanding that im using references. You watch a TV-Series like the big bang theory and “identify” yourself more as character X and less as character Y but still you don’t think you are the character from the series. I do nothing else with using the term “my personality changed to that of an adamantite dragon from a fantasy game” using a reference

Of course what @Mulberry sais is true but im already past that.

Yes, I know I have a lot to learn that’s why I’m here and I never ever talked to any spirit/demon whatsoever at all that of course includes “telling me I’m some kind of reincarnation or son if it or some sort”. it’s the outside world/foreign people/astrological events/numerology of dates and times almost forcetelling me and shoving it in my face that I somehow am important and I feel massively influenced by the moon since 2020 but if you want to keep focus of this conversation about me using stupid references I don’t know what’s so hard to understand for you and just am kinda disappointed of your incomprehensibility.

Everyone in this forum talks about how the spiritual world is f***ed up right now, the same time the spiritual world fucks with my life and I can’t emphasize enough that the numerology and “coincidentally contemporaneous” astrological events and events like my ego death experience where I “kinda felt controlled or as natural as me as ever” are what I’m actually talking about. I’ve never been a religious or spiritual person before but the events are too surreal and the “coincidences” way to blatantly telling me I need to actively get involved with the spiritual world.

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Do it, trust yourself, but be aware that your reality tunnel may not apply to others, and try to keep your wits about you, and not do anything stupid, is all I can add. :+1:

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Could you elaborate “reality tunnel” please? I learned my lesson from that incident and look forward into the future, thanks for the advice.

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