THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

[mrbungle]

Today I’m going to help my MIL enter invoices and reconcile bank accounts, then I’ll listen to the silent hill 2 soundtrack in the bath. It just feels like a silent hill day.

Later I will go on a walk and meditate by the water.

As it is December, I’m thinking about this last year and what I feel I’ve accomplished and what I could have/should have done.

This time the last year, we moved back to Florida and I decided that I quit practicing. I associated it with the emotional pain I had to endure, and though it saved my life, I just wanted to leave it all behind and start new. I threw away everything, all my journals.

I got some money in the bank and maintained a job, but began to wonder why I was so weak minded. Why do I allow my boss and colleagues to walk all over me? Why do I want them to like me so much that I’d allow them to knock me down if it means remaining likeable and uncontroversial? Why, when I get a job, do I become so depressed that I can’t handle stressful situations and I end up exploding on everyone around me?

I wanted to improve, and I picked up practicing again. I bought ritual and altar items and began meditating and speaking with the demons who helped me before.

I look back on myself from that time and kinda laugh about it. I got one scan done and put my whole heart and soul into it, and never got another scan to confirm anything. I placed my trust in one magician and my naivety led me into a very odd place. Almost destroyed my own life mindlessly following another person. It was a weird place to be.

I quit again after that and began mending the pieces to my life and my idea of self. I realized that I’m a fucking idiot when I drink, and I can easily destroy my entire life when I get drunk.

Began practicing again once I moved on from the whole mess. I question what I read and hear from others now, and I’m learning to embrace all aspects of life and of human emotion. I am embracing my shadow again.

It may seem to me sometimes that I didn’t accomplish much this year, but after evaluating my progression as a person through this chaotic year, I can see how much I’ve grown.

I’m learning how to stand up for myself and how to deal with my feelings logically, and find solutions to my problems without letting them take over my life.

I am proud of myself for persevering through all of that insanity, and I welcome the new year.

[mrbungle]

Happy December from Vlad & I

[Nephenthe]

Need to shave them legs lol.

[mrbungle]

Put some jerk seasoning, sazon, butter, olive oil, and garlic in the food processor and slathered it all over some chicken wings that I put in the oven with a side of yellow rice & black beans in coconut milk.

I’ve been playing Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles with my boyfriend and I’ll meditate when he goes to the gym.

Today’s question: why is Leon so hot?

[mrbungle]

I drastically changed my diet and put down cigarettes. I switched to a nicotine vape for now, which I have been smoking in moderation to wean myself off of it entirely. I’m going to do a spell to help rid myself of this addiction, as it doesn’t align with who I am any longer to keep holding on to my last vice.

I drink a pressed juice of ginger, tumeric, lemon, grapefruit, beets, carrots, cucumber, mint, and basil in the afternoon, and get my calories from vegetables and fish. No gluten, no artificial sugars (I’m cool with a limited amount of sugars from fruit) and tons of herbal teas and natural supplements.

I’m breaking out a bit because of this diet overall, so I guess my system is being cleansed and trying to adapt to this radical change.

Today I put on makeup because it makes me feel powerful and beautiful. There is a spirituality in applying makeup.

I feel amazing.

I was listening to Slipknot but then I remembered how much I love the song The Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails, so I’m playing it on repeat rn

I’m pretty sure he is Dracula in the video because there are so many references to Bram Stoker’s Dracula in it. So I’m obsessed with it because Dracula is my love.

It’s cold out so I’ll go frolicking about and meditate by the lake.

I would like to write stories like I used to. I’m very rusty, but I should get over the insecurity of putting out something I don’t think is good and produce anyway. It’s better to get it down on paper rather than suffer with a mind full of ideas and inspiration.

It doesn’t HAVE to be good. It just has to be done.

I’m dancing and singing and filled with passion, a lust for life.

[Healing_Heart]

Opfaal helps overcome addictions.

[mrbungle]

Thank you!

[mrbungle]

Forgot to write down my odd dream last night.

I went to this building where you can have a party where everything and everyone appears before you based on what you’d like to experience. I stumbled into this girls’ party and we began dancing together. I rode a 2 person bike with her on the back, as the dominant one in the situation (it was implied) and had to avoid us crashing as it was hard to steer.

I pulled her close to me and let my lips graze over hers, but did not kiss her. I guess I thought the tension should continue to build, as there was an obvious attraction between us.

I was then led to my party, but I was taken to these back rooms. Everyone else’s did not have doors, they were open rooms, and I immediately got a bad feeling. I went inside and no one was there. It was a dark room, beige walls, one desk. I tried to pretend my dream party was there, so I felt it with my being and exclaimed that it was amazing, but two people showed up.

One was a guy who has been staying in my house. He had no eyes, just skin over where they should be, and he was acting strange. I asked him where his girlfriend was, and his response didn’t make sense. The other guy was supposed to be him as well, but he was my father in law at the same time, though looked like neither.

I got up to calmly walk out, as I was beginning to get nervous and I wanted to fake them out and make a run for it. They tried to grab me and I started running and yelling GET ME OUT OF HERE

Then I was at a lake and watching these guys throw rocks at dolphins and catching birds mid flight to throw them violently. These gigantic lions came running through the water and attacked them.

Not sure if any of it means anything or if I’m just someone who always has had and always will have weird fucking dreams, but I figured I’d jot it down just in case

I also went to the store, but I was half asleep and wondering how I got there. I was too tired to read or see what anything was.

I believe I’m becoming more and more aware that I am in a dream every night. I’m beginning to question whether I am awake or not throughout the day, so perhaps that is making me question it during my dreams as well.

[mrbungle]

I have remained dedicated to my diet and have not allowed myself any foods that I consider toxic to my physical health and brain function.

I do think that my body is detoxing from gluten and sugar, and that my stomach has been a bit upset from this rapid change, but that should calm down soon.

So far, I’ve experienced a huge surge in energy. I’m running and dancing around the house, and I’m back to my goofy, animated self. I ran across the house on all fours like a cryptid to startle my MIL (she just laughed – I’ll try nighttime)

My brain is working on a whole new level. I’m sharper, more focused, which in turn has made me feel confident and self assured. I actually told our house guest to do the dishes rather than wait to see if they’ll do it and end up begrudgingly doing it myself.

They were happy to do it. Of course they were – any typical person would be, including myself. If they were to get mad (like my mind insists they will) then why would I want them in my house? Why would I interact with them?

I realize that situations never pan out the way my mind imagines they will, but then, if they do, would that be so awful?

What’s the worst thing that can happen? They get mad. Okay… What are they gonna do about it, then? Exactly. There we go.

I’m also experiencing a hightened sex drive and more energy to take the lead and make things interesting. Obviously I won’t go into that out of respect for my S/O, but 2 + 2 = 4

Not a whole lot to report on the magickal front. I have been slacking. Not proud of myself, but I’m certainly not going to beat myself up over it. I’m still actively working to challenge myself and do the things I am afraid to do, and my ability to use logic to combat anxiety has been getting better and better. I feel myself changing every day on a moment to moment basis, and I almost feel high off of it.

My bf and I have been looking at places to rent outside of florida, and we are thinking of a 2/1 so that I can have an entire room dedicated to my workings. I’ll have my altars and ritual items and everything I use in that one room, which will make everything so much easier. I will actually be able to focus that way. I will decorate everything that reflects my personal view on magick and get me into the mood to do my workings. We are taking a year to save up.

I’m looking forward to our road trip. It’s been extended another ten days, so we’ll go to the smokey mountains for a while, then to North Carolina, back down to Alabama, then to Arizona. We might even go to Las Vegas. We don’t have any solid plans, but we are limiting our time in NC and AL to make room for the rest.

Life is really looking good right now. Things I didn’t think would happen are happening, and I can see us having a really happy life together in our own apartment. I seriously can’t wait. I never thought life could be so good

[Healing_Heart]

That’s awesome, I glad your feeling better, care to include your diet routine?

[mrbungle]

Basically I just do a pressed juice in the morning of ginger, tumeric, lemon, grapefruit, beets, cucumber, green apple, and arugula. If I have stuff like kale or spinach I will throw it in there.

I will have a big salad later on with stuff like heart of palm, artichoke, sliced strawberries or other berries, roasted peppers, extra virgin olive oil and apple cider vinegar. Pretty much anything I have available at the moment, and maybe a sweet potato.

I’ll drink probiotic tea and maybe a yerba mate if I need a kick in the ass

Later on I’ll have some nuts or a raw nut butter as a snack, and if I’m working out or burning calories I’ll make a smoothie with

Coconut milk, berries, chia seeds, flaxseeds, and coconut oil with half a banana. I’ll switch out the banana and coconut oil for half a hass avocado if I have one.

Dinner is usually grilled veggies that are low carb like mushrooms and zucchini, and some kind of seafood like shrimp or fish.

It varies based on what I have available but that’s the gist of it. Every now and again I’ll take some ashwaganda or dandelion root, and cbd if I remember. Sometimes I’ll have meat earlier in the day, or I’ll intermittent fast.

[Healing_Heart]

Wow, thanks, I really need to change things in my diet

[mrbungle]

Take it slowly and make it a habit. You can eat the things you like if you make minor variations to it so that it is just a healthy version rather than trying to cut it completely out of your diet.

I find it easier to get nutrients through smoothies since you can just throw a bunch of shit in the blender and drink it.

[mrbungle]

Also, if you either can’t afford or just don’t feel like making a juice with so many different things, I recommend ginger/tumeric/lemon shots at the least, and read into wheatgrass.

I used to press my own wheatgrass in the morning before eating or drinking anything (you take it by itself, about 2oz of pure wheatgrass) though make sure it is not an allergen for you.

You should go get an allergy test to make sure you are doing the best for your body.

[Healing_Heart]

Thanks, but I’ll pass on the wheatgrass, I am drinking the ash gourd juice. It has the most pranic energy I’ve felt.

[mrbungle]

No problems, do what works for you

[mrbungle]

I went on a walk for an hour and a half, then came home and meditated on letting go of guilt and traumas and all things from my past that were weighing me down and blocking me. I felt very light and carefree afterwards.

Had this vision of King Paimon taking me to this place I go in my mind that I associate with him. It seems like our personal meeting place. It is a desert with purple and red skies, and I’m standing in front of an ocean. There is a pyramid to my right.

He walked up to me, and I asked who he was. His eyes glowed red and he said something like “I am The King Paimon, Djinn of the desert” (something like that, my memory is foggy) and his face switched back and forth between humanoid and of a skull.

He whispered something in my ear in another language, and then said I can come here whenever I want. He took me to this drum circle where those drumming were chanting and I began to dance. He clapped in delight, and we walked some more.

I fell through the ground and into the catacombs of the pyramid. He was there, and he pointed two fingers in front of him and a floating light appeared to guide our way. I followed behind him, asking him questions about where we were.

He showed me a tomb and said it was me. There was a throne made out of stone, and he told me to sit on it, so I did. He asked me how I felt.

After writing this down now, it seems he was not saying it was literally me (like a past life) but that I was dormant, in a kind of hibernation, and that my throne is empty, waiting for me to claim it.

There were things in between and afterwards that is a bit personal and I won’t share.

Right now I have the window open, I’m watching the westerns channel and I’m snuggling my doggy under the covers.

While meditating I had a distinct feeling of someone hovering over me and at one point it felt that they were holding my hand.

I also saw that there were parasitic beings clogging my space, and I burned them away with a golden light.

[mrbungle]

Soundgarden - Jesus Christ Pose (Official Music Video)

I woke up early and I’m listening to music while drinking coffee. It’s a chilly morning here in Florida, and I’m going to bring my MIL out to go on a brisk walk with me. I’m trying to motivate her to exercise and eat healthy since she asked for my help.

I told my boyfriend that I can’t wean myself off of nicotine without patches and he said “Yes you can that’s a cop out answer” and he was really harsh about it, so I was pretty taken aback, and my first reaction was to argue and become sensitive, but then I realized that he wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t believe in me.

So I shut up and I listened to him, and I’m going to do what he said, because he’s right. Why shouldn’t I be able to wean myself off? Why do I think I have no self control and that I’m incapable of doing difficult shit? Why does he believe in me when I don’t believe in myself?

I’m still seeing myself for who I used to be. I’m not that person anymore. I need to get a grip and shed this victim mentality.

[mrbungle]

Meditated for about twenty minutes, and I saw myself dancing around a fire and running through the woods howling and yelling and dancing.

Currently pan searing some beets to put in a salad of beet greens. I made a lemon Shallot vinaigrette which I tossed into the greens. Since the leaves are kind of bitter, I added the dressing early so that it has time to soak in.

I don’t have any goat cheese, but I think my MIL is trying to stay away from dairy atm so it’s fine. I’ll add some chopped green apple.

My hands are dyed red at this point, but it looks pretty cool so I’m not bothered. I’m waiting for the beets to cook, so I’m sitting on the floor and listening to Pretty Hate Machine again.

I had a juice of ginger, tumeric, sour orange, pineapple, beets, green apple, and celery.

I even woke up early today.

[Healing_Heart]

Awe, we don’t get to see the stained hands, lol