THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

[mrbungle]

I’ve been down on myself lately about a l ot of things. I’ve found myself slipping back into old mindsets and worrying about things I thought didn’t bother me any longer. Intrusive thoughts, excessive daydreaming, mild paranoia, sense of impending doom, generalized anxiety, putting off responsibilities, etc.

They aren’t present in the way that they were a year ago, but they have very quietly crept back in.

I’ve been having these introspective moments when I take my dog out to go to the bathroom. I was thinking about what it meant to be a “stable” person. Everyone wants to reach a sense of stability, but what do people think that means?

I realize that I’ve been striving for a goal to be stable, but my concept of stability is very off.

Being stable does not mean being happy all of the time. It doesn’t mean constantly floating high above everyone else in a delirious state of positivity. You cannot maintain that for a very long period of time without getting knocked off your cloud at some point.

I have been ignoring my dark side and stuffing it deep, deep down inside of me. As I removed external negative factors in my life, I also got rid of entire personality traits and interests. I stopped striving to understand myself and simply decided to throw the whole person away.

The other day I got pissed off. It was rare for me to feel anger these days, and I indulged in it a little bit. Instead of choosing to ignore the shit, I decided to allow myself to get lost in that anger. It felt great. It was invigorating.

Not too shortly afterwards, I started to beat myself up for getting angry. Why did I let myself lose control like that? I thought I came so far in my development as a person, yet here I am again, losing control. Emphasis on “losing control” as a key part of the shame I felt for having anger.

What is wrong with being angry? I must ask myself this. It is a natural human response. It is a feeling as valid as any other emotion.

I realize that being stable does include the entire range of human emotion. It is having a healthy balance of each emotion. I was beating myself up for the tiny amount of rage I felt because all I’ve been experiencing for the last few months was pure happiness, so a small amount of anger felt like much more than it actually was.

I need to get back in touch with my darkness instead of running from it. I cannot continue to fool myself into thinking that I must be happy at all times. I need to remember what it is like to find the beauty in all dark things.

I’ve experienced what it is like to be cloaked in negativity and darkness, and I’ve experienced what it is like to be consumed by happiness, and now I just have to merge the two experiences and bring on a balance in my life. I will be able to perform ritual and meditation with an openness I have not had in a while.

This has been an amazing revelation for me. I’m grateful for the time I’ve had off of work to be able to just sit around and think.

I don’t need to be afraid of “losing control” any longer. I need to stop being afraid that the moment I relax will be an opening for me to lose all the progress I’ve made as a person. It’s okay to relax. I will never be as bad as I was even if I tried because a lot of it was drug induced anyway, so as long as I’m not on drugs, I’ll be okay. I’m still doing all of the things I need to do in order to regulate my emotions and process my thoughts in a therapeutic way. I’m constantly adding more things into my life that will balance me out.

Life, for me, is not going to be about ignoring the negativity. I have been wondering why I still cannot seem to figure out how to properly deal with stressful situations and people, and it is because I have not been practicing how to do that like I originally thought I was. I didn’t realize that I was ignoring all of this. Now that I know that, I can pick up where I left off and learn how to face that shit instead of running away. I will look it in the eyes and not falter. This will test my confidence and my stamina, but it will all be worth it.

I’ve had an idea to create a self-love altar from a dream I had. Asmodeus was in my dream – I had an altar to him, and I was trying to find space to make an altar for myself. There was a lot of red floral visuals in my dream, the lights were dim. Almost romantic.

I’ve decided to do this, after all, why not? I’m striving towards becoming a living God, so shouldn’t I have an altar? Shouldn’t I worship myself, faun over myself, gift myself things I love?

I’m sure I can get over a lot of confidence issues and begin to learn who I truly am as a woman with time at this altar I’m going to make.

It’s exciting – I’ve been having all of these thoughts and ideas lately, just like when I first started on the path of demonolatry. The thrill of delving into a spirituality so mysterious, the way you get lost in your imagination and creativity with a childlike innocence and naivety.

Plateaus in development come when you lose sight of that inner child and are no longer excited by what you practice. Come at it from a different angle, introduce something new into what you are doing, keep it interesting. Don’t let it become just an every day part of your life. Get excited again. Become passionate.

Run out into the rain, jump into the pool fully clothed, get lost in dance, admire yourself in the mirror, go on a midnight walk, climb a tree, roll down a hill, start a garden, whatever. Keep life fun and interesting, we all know that keeps one happy. The same goes for your practice. Mix it up, don’t play by the rules all the time, let go and free yourself and just roll with it.

[mrbungle]

I’ve been depressed and filled with anxiety, and I believe it’s the weed. I am no longer employed, which I knew was happening so it’s no big deal.

This is the first time I’ve had a job without spending every dime. I’ve never lost a job and still had money to my name saved up. That’s a big deal for me.

I’ve been sleeping in late and doing nothing. I think it’s okay for now – I woke up early every day for a while, and I deserve a little break.

My mood is being affected by weed and previously nicotine withdrawal. I don’t feel it’s time for be to quit nicotine yet, so I’ll continue to smoke. But I am done with weed.

Today I will meditate. Right now I’m laying with my dog because she is scared of the thunder. She finally stopped shaking so I can meditate now.

Afterwards I’ll take a shower. I might run out into the rain.

[mrbungle]

I did a grounding meditation and I feel much better. I need to stick to a basic regimen that will keep me from succumbing to energies that create negativity and instability within.

I need to ground myself every day.

I’m going to take a short ritual bath and see what happens afterwards.

[mrbungle]

I invoked Lilith today. When I felt her energies swirling within me, my dog started to howl repeatedly.

When I accepted Lilith as my matron a while back, my dog started going crazy. I think my dog senses her energy moreso than any others because she is the only one that makes my dog react like that.

Successful invocation, I’m going to meditate on this later to see if I can unpack and understand her messages.

Hail Lilith

[mrbungle]

I’ve been waiting for signs to show that my work is paying off, and I believe in starting to reach a breakthrough moment where everything I do is going to start producing real results.

This is the second time where I had a dream where I was telling myself or others, “this feels just like real life. There is no way that this is a dream,it feels too real. I can’t believe I’m not dreaming”

I’m starting to question reality within my dreams, which I think means that I am beginning to open my mind up to lucid dreaming.

My dream last night was of me in the kitchen making a snack. This grudge-like woman was naked and drenched in water, slowly walking down the stairs. I ran into my room and locked the door.

Her body became that of a spirit snake?? Her head floating far away from her body. I could see her huge eyes staring at me under the crack of the door.

I told my boyfriend, “I can’t believe I’m seeing this in real life. I never thought I would see something like this. This isn’t a dream, this is really happening”

Not sure of the reasons or meaning of that dream. I don’t know if it had something to do with me invoking Lilith yesterday afternoon.

I was scared in my dream but not horrified. I was mostly in awe.

Tony Soprano and Carmella were in my dream too lmao

I also had another school dream where I’m walking all over the place trying to find my class. I have this dream a lot where I am feeling lost in a school.

[mrbungle]

I’ve been really feeling the spirit this month. I carved a pumpkin, roasted pumpkin seeds, and made home made apple pumpkin cider last night.

I’ve been decorating and having fun with it every day. I also collected a bunch of rainwater and now have little mason jars with lids to keep it in.

I have to go to the beach and collect some ocean water so I can use that during rituals rather than adding salt to water.

My boyfriend wants to do a ritual in praise of Satan because he’s recently come to his own realization that he feels a deep connection to him. I’m pretty excited about it.

So I’m just trying to gather some materials and stuff I need to make the preparations.

I hadn’t been meditating for a few months bc I lost all motivation and put all my focus into losing weight. I’m down quite a few pounds and am happy with my appearance. My hip ones stick out and I haven’t seen them in a while!!

So with my confidence back and the spirit of Halloween/Samhain raging inside, I feel magick all around me and inside of me. I’m back and feeling better than ever!

[mrbungle]

For the past few months I was not actively practicing like I was before, and I was going through intense guilt over the things I’ve done in the past. It would keep me awake at night and I would cry endlessly.

My boyfriend told me that I was going through something deeply personal, that it was a transformation that was mine and mine alone, and that he could not help me.

Something changed in me. Again.

I took a bath last week with dimmed lights and incense burning and began meditating, which wasn’t my plan, as I hadn’t been meditating for a few months. I lost some control of my body and started growling and contorting my body/face, baring my teeth, etc. after I did some breathing exercises. It felt like a partial possession, and looking back, it was like I was being purged of the weakness and fear that I had been tormented by.

I looked in the mirror and felt beautiful. I looked beautiful. I saw myself in a new light. A sense of calmness washed over me. Focus and clarity and confidence.

And now, the most amazing thing that has come from this is that I will lie down at night and when confronted with that guilt I mentioned previously, I can tell myself that I have no reason to be ashamed of my past. I have no reason to feel guilty. I should not ruminate on all the things I have done that make me feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, or second guess myself.

I did a guided meditation with Satan, Azazel, and Lucifer, and with each one, I would hear in my mind “There is no reason to look back. Keep moving forward”

[mrbungle]

I have been meditating on Satan’s sigil while reciting his enn and also doing the Satan and Sons guided meditation called The Palace of Lord Satan, and giving him a blood offering every single day. I believe this is my fourth day? I also put his sigil in my pillowcase before bed.

I saw a white flower and picked it and put it on his altar. Its a temporary space on my dresser until I can figure out a better place but it works for now

Today it has been extremely windy and raining, so I walked outside and found a patch of grass to meditate and give him a blood offering. I got wet and cold in the rain, but it was extremely invigorating. I really felt his essence. A huge moth landed on my bag, and I love moths. I’ve always been drawn to them and wonder why that is, but I felt that I was heard in that moment.

I also stood up for myself today. I tend to brush things off and allow others to mistreat me, but I actually voiced how I felt they were rude and told them to not do that to me ever again. I felt really good about that! I’m becoming the strong person I’ve always wanted to be.

I think later I’ll take a bath and use my Tibetan singing bowl to induce trance.

Lately I feel focused. I feel that my efforts to advance spiritually are paying off, and that my path is clear. I am calm and confident. I feel like I know what I am doing, and that I am picking up on information easier.

[mrbungle]

I forgot to mention my strange dream. I was in a van with the doors open and I was burning sage to keep away negative spirits. Then I heard a childlike voice outside in the forest, and this woman was with me. The voice was trying to coax us to them, and I warned her that it was a skinwalker and that they will try anything to get us to go to them, but she had to stay away.

[mrbungle]

I’m going to get my GED. I was talking to a friend and he said that my old limitations do not apply to me any longer – I am a new person. Perhaps in the past, I couldn’t sit down and concentrate on studying for it, but I was also tweaking my nuts off. Of course I couldn’t do it then. But I’m stone cold sober and I’m working on bettering myself as a person.

I won’t work in fast food and have shitty office jobs forever with long periods of unemployment in between for the rest of my life. I want to be a massage therapist and get a certification for Reiki and reflexology. I want to incorporate my spirituality into what I do for a living!

My eyes have really been opened today and tomorrow I’m going to see a hiring manager about getting a job. I don’t need to fear success any longer! I can do this. I can do better for myself.

[mrbungle]

Today I am connecting with my inner child. I’ve been playing in the pool - pretending I’m a mermaid and that the pool cleaner is a shark, doing flips, spinning around, splashing water everywhere, etc. and i’m having the time of my life.

I think it’s extremely important to have playful, whimsical days, especially when you’ve dealt with depression and anxiety. When I was deep in my shit and abusing meds/alcohol, I couldn’t find the fun in anything. The world seemed so dull and uninteresting.

Today, everything looks vibrant. I watched a squirrel come into my yard and gnaw away at an avocado that fell from the tree. I’m listening to The Smashing Pumpkins Radio from the speakers in my screened in porch.

I haven’t been remembering my dreams so I’m going to see about buying some kind of tincture to take before bed to remember them better.

I’m going to invoke Satan again today. I’m just going to keep doing this every day until I feel like it’s time to move on to something else. I’m going on my gut, and my gut says this is what we are doing for a while.

I have to work on techniques to stimulate my astral senses and I will try to astral project soon, as I read that experiencing the astral will help you with that.

I think I’m in a really good mental state to open myself to the possibility of parasites. I’ve gotten over a lot of fear and anxiety and I do not hate myself. I am confident that I can cleanse and ground myself and shield from any attacks, and that I will remain okay.

A lot of you guys helped me rid myself of my anxiety about upsetting the demons I work with. I think, aside from religious residue, that a big problem was the guilt and confusion from my past drunken workings, where I’m not too sure how I acted, and I feared that I was a dumbass, so that’s not really about a fear of upsetting them as much as it was shame for how I used to act. I must move on from the past. It no longer defines me. There is no sense in feeling shameful for something that has already been done, and as long as I am no longer behaving so carelessly, I have nothing to worry about. I must let go of the past and get to know the person I am today or I will never advance.

I’m proud of who I have become. I am grateful to all the demons in my life who helped get me here. I have truly changed myself in ways that most people never accomplish.

I really fucking did it!

[mrbungle]

I went into trance in the bathtub while chanting and using my Tibetan singing bowl.

I saw myself in Lord Satan’s stone palace. He was huge and ancient, sitting on his throne. I was naked, and there was wind blowing my hair, wind that seemed to be more like energy pulling me towards him.

He asked me (knowingly, as he knew the answer) why I pictured him so large, and I, so small. He told me that I can be just as big as him, and so I was. I became as tall as him, and I wore this sort of headdress of an empress.

He reached out for me to take his hand, which I did, and we began to slow dance.

He told me to stand tall and strong. To shed my old way of thinking, to dispose of my inferiority complex when speaking to him and any other beings, that I must see myself for the goddess I am.

He spun me around and I fell into a large pool that looked like a hot spring, and I began to laugh with ecstacy, revelling in the power that I felt in that moment, in the realization of my true self, and three imps came to me, flapping their wings.

He said I can command them to do my bidding, and I motioned for them to take a dip into the pool. Satan laughed, “A gentle and kind Goddess, as expected.”

I asked the imps to watch and protect me.

I went back to him, and we danced a few more minutes. He told me that I must hold tightly to this image of myself. I must not bow or bend to any being, not even him. I must not be afraid of the shadows, for they are here to protect me and to serve me. I must command the energies around me, and never be afraid. I had no reason to fear anything at all, as a true Goddess will take hold of her power and manifest her own reality.

He told me to remember this, to never forget, and then he snapped his fingers and I opened my eyes.

This was what I saw in my mind playing out for me.

I got out of the bath. The candle I had burning seemed to malfunction during, and stopped working. It won’t light anymore.

I accidentally dropped my incense holder that I used as a visage of Satan, and the head broke off of the body of it when it fell to the floor.

I don’t get a bad feeling from that happening. I feel as if it a metaphor for me breaking free from myself, from the weight that holds me in place and keeping my life stagnant. I must break free.

[mrbungle]

I had a dream that I was working at my old job. When I had that job, I would let the girls get to me. I would cry because they were assholes, and I couldn’t handle the stress. I just wanted them to like me and I hated being treated that way.

In my dream, I looked at them with a feeling of authority, and was someone who was not to me trifled with. I remember standing up for myself to them in this dream. I wasn’t taking the bullshit, and I did not care whether they liked me or not, because I liked myself.

I went to this store and was looking at magickal supplies. I saw some sage and it said that I could use it for healing and protection, and so I grabbed it to buy. I was looking for some myrrh as well, and some kind of tree bark.

I have lots of dreams where I am buying ritual supplies.

Someone here did a reading for me and I was told to connect with my authentic self and focus on healing today, so I am going to do exactly that.

I’m going to whip out my laptop and do a little research and jot some useful things down in my notebook.

[mrbungle]

I did another invocation of Satan tonight while my boyfriend was at the gym. I feel like I shouldn’t disclose the full experience because it felt deeply personal. There was a connection that I haven’t felt before that has opened up a doorway for me to realize my true potential.

He had me blow out the candle I was using to immerse myself in total darkness. He commanded me to overcome my fear and extend my arms to my sides and I felt a surge of power flood through me. I saw what seemed to be shadows beginning to move in my closet, and I smiled and I was not afraid.

I’m continuing these invocations as I feel that they are leading to something big. I see myself going outside into the night for a ritual. It’s not time yet, but I will know when it is on the day and In the moment.

All I hear in my mind is to be strong. No more covering myself up. No more shame. No more cowardice.

[mrbungle]

Another night of a blood offering to Satan. I asked him to join me on my meditation as a sudden idea I had because I wasn’t certain I had enough time to get into the headspace for an invocation.

The candle melted into his sigil which I’m sure is fine. I think I’ll take it off before I put his sigil in my pillowcase and save it.

I had a glass of rainwater out for him as well.

I used a book to hold everything on until I can figure out something else – I needed to move from the floor onto my bed because my back is destroyed after too long on the floor and I guess it feels more personal on my bed and that helps me open myself up to receiving Satan’s energies and teachings.

I gotta get a blood letter because this blade isn’t the safest method in the world

[mrbungle]

I’m going to have some Juniper Mint Honey tea and unwind.

I’m trying to eat healthier because I’ve noticed it’s been effecting my spirituality and earlier I asked Satan a few questions through tarot and his parting advice was to stop overindulging and overspending because it’s not good for my growth in magick and life in general.

[mrbungle]

I’m dealing with some serious mood swings. Bursts of anger. I almost broke a wooden spoon in half because my stew meat wasn’t Browning because I added too much meat to the pan.

In one of the answers to my questions during yesterday’s tarot reading, I have to learn how to control my anger.

I also haven’t been grounding, and I need to do that asap.

I think I’ll swim in the pool while dinner is cooking in the crock pot and then do some grounding and cleansing.

I also need to start exercising again. I got lazy after I lost the weight I wanted to lose, but I need to focus on exercising not for appearance but for good mental health.

At least I am in a position where I can acknowledge that I am having problems managing my anger today and come up with solutions to that problem, whereas before I would let my emotions rule my entire day and wallow in the negativity.

I’ll report back later with my success, which I say with confidence because I know I have the power to turn my day around and stop letting my anger control me.

[mrbungle]

I had a dream that I was writing down the important details of my dream as it was happening. In the windowsill there was the Egyptian Book of the Dead and a “sea bird” which was a little seagull thing. It was staring at me.

There was a little boy and a teenage girl. The girl said “It’s been a while since we did this” (spent the day together)

The boy turned his head all the way around like an owl and a golden light shine out of his eyes and mouth. He rose into the air and I heard chanting, “No chances for this month” over and over

I started waking up, but I was in sleep paralysis. I felt something gnawing on the top of my hand. I looked and it was an old man creature thing leaning over me and he snarled, “NO CHANCES FOR THIS MONTH” and I woke up screaming “NO!”

I’m trying to understand what that means. No chances for this month? I asked Satan to come to me in my dreams. I feel it was some kind of message, but I’m thinking, at the very least, I’m beginning to learn how to lucid dream. Lately I’ve been realizing I’m in a dream, but it’s usually a dream within a dream.

I also had satanic altars everywhere in another part of my dream and i kept having to hide some of it so I wouldn’t get kicked out.

Fucking odd. If anyone sees this and wants to help me unpack this, I’d appreciate it. For now I’ll just meditate on it.

[mrbungle]

I drank valerian root and kava tea last night, so I’m sure that played a role in that prophetic dream I had. I can also remember it very well.

[mrbungle]

Today I spent two hours swimming in my pool. I played some Wardruna because their music has a way of calming me down and connecting me to nature in a really healing and grounding way.

I felt as if the water purified me and did me of all anger and anxiety.

I’ve been slow cooking some cilantro garlic beef stew that I’ll be adding coconut milk to and serving over jasmine rice with fried plantains and black beans.

I am unsure if I’ll do another working with Satan tonight. I feel that it’s no longer needed to give any more blood. I just wanted to connect with him and put all my effort and heart into it, and show that I can dedicate myself to a daily working that requires more than just the bare minimum. I want to connect with him on a very deep level, and the act of cutting to draw blood helps put me into that state of mind.

I so think these meditations and invocations have been helping me immensely. I feel much more powerful, focused, and confident. On the other hand, it has brought up a lot of anger that I’ve stuffed deep inside of me, and I think it’s crucial that it is drawn outside for me to evaluate and work through. It also serves as a reminder to ground and cleanse daily.

I feel much sharper in my practice. I feel a deeper connection to Satan, and I feel that he is aiding me in my goal to stimulate my astral senses. I know he has heard me and he is working on it, because I feel it in every aspect of my life.

I’m grateful.