Today I did something a little different.
When I do yoga, I focus on filling myself with positivity and letting go of negativity. This does help, but then I find myself feeling much more aggressive an hour afterwards, and on throughout the night. I’ve been stressing out about why this is happening to me, and I re-read the post I made last night to perhaps gain some clarity about my state of mind.
I sat down and lit incense for King Paimon, which I have been doing before yoga for the last few days, and I meditate for a moment on His energy and who He is to me. I was struck with the idea that I should take this time during yoga to manifest all of the negativity trapped deep within my core and bring it to the surface.
I put on the Silent Hill 2 ost – I have a deep, deep connection to that game, and it is always about travelling to my own Silent Hill, my own personal hell, and fighting the ‘monsters’ (of which are all just manifestations of my own guilt and pain) until I get to the end and realize I have been fighting myself all along, and I must give in and acknowledge my pain, and transform through it, or else I will be stuck there forever.
So the music started playing, and I immediately fell into that mood that only Silent Hill can produce for me. I turned off the lights, lit a candle, and took a moment to sit on the floor and really allow myself to connect to the music and to my own pain.
As I transitioned through pose to pose, I felt that each inhale, my pain grew, and the longer I held each pose, the worse that pain felt, and the more it began to expand as different memories and pains flooded my memory.
At the end during shavasana, I closed my eyes and saw myself in my childhood home, standing in front of my childhood self. My childhood self looked up at me – she was surrounded by filth, wearing clothes that no longer fit, though she was playing with her brothers. She asked me who I was, and I knelt down and told her that I know her and her mother very well. I told her that everything would be okay, that she was going to go through some horrible times, but that she would grow to become a very strong woman.
I put my hand on her cheek and told her that I was her, and everything around me began to distort. She asked what I meant. I told her that it was time to let go, and I thought about all of the things that I held dear to my heart – my dad’s computer desk and all his guitars, they all fell over, the radio that my mom would play music on for my brothers and I to dance along to, they fell over, the table that my stepmother was pushed onto and began to bleed profusely from her face, that table collapsed. Everything began to collapse and turn to ash. I stood outside, and my childhood self stood outside as well, looking at me. I switched bodies and was her, and I looked at my hand, which was beginning to turn to ash and float away in the wind. I looked up at my adult self to say goodbye, and then I was my adult self once more. I watched my house collapse and turn to ash. It was gone.
I then saw myself being taken away by my father, and then suffer abuse at the hands of his new wife. I saw everything collapse, and I saw my good memories turn to ash, as I was told it was time to let go. It was time to let go of everything, not just the bad, but the good as well, as it was keeping me trapped in a time that would never come back.
I saw all the times I screamed and cried and hit myself and destroyed my surroundings flash before me very quickly, and I was suddenly at the beach where my mom used to take me. I saw everyone disappear, and I fell to my knees, punching the sand and crying.
Then there was a hand on my back, and I stopped crying so hard. I let the tears gently slide down my cheeks, and I stood up and looked at who it was.
There was a woman who radiated white light from within and around her. Her eyes were all white, and her pupils were just tiny black dots. She felt very neutral, though chaotic as well. Her energy relaxed me and felt familiar. She reached her hands out to embrace me, and I fell into her arms. She and I rose together, spinning, and pierced through the atmosphere into the void of space.
I saw myself oozing black sludge from my eyes, nose, and mouth. I began withdrawing and falling, and I even saw the ooze come out from my fingernails. She grabbed me and swallowed me, and then let out a loud banshee like screech as she shot upwards, and then turned upside down and dove head first back into the earth, back where I was crying on the beach, and I saw her from my perspective – She was now me, and I was her.
There was no more pain.
I opened my eyes and meditated on that for a few moments. I wasn’t expecting visuals to that degree, which just unfolded for me as I lied there on the ground.
I feel much different than I have felt in a while. I feel calm, I feel much stronger. I don’t feel a connection to the pain I have been feeling for a while. I feel… older?
It’s strange, and I don’t feel quite like me, but I also feel more like myself than I have been in a very long time.
