I feel that a mistake a lot of people make is hating who they used to be, or hating someone else so much that they vow to never become like them. In my experience, that leads to one developing the attitudes of anything as long as it is the polar-opposite of whatever it is they hate. This isn’t always a useful change in behavior or thought – it’s just different from what they hate.
My mother hated her mother, who was strict, proper, organized, etc. and in her quest to be anything but her mother, she became a mess. She rationalized what she did to herself and her life by saying, “At least I’m not like her.”
When I stopped taking drugs and alcohol, I grew to detest the person that I was. I thought about how pathetic, selfish, and weak they were. I decided I would never be that person again, and I became this person who refused to acknowledge her shadow, and began to push away my boyfriend because he was “too negative” – I wouldn’t let him express himself to me, out of fear that his “negativity” would rub off on me, and I had this perception of myself as being so happy and carefree, and anyone else should just do what I did and stop being victims.
I didn’t realize that I was just living in some kind of weird delusion where I refused to pay any attention to who I actually was, and I began losing touch with my personality and the people I loved around me. In actuality, I wasn’t the most positive person – My “positivity” had become toxic.
This grew out of a hatred for my past self, but at the end of the day, it’s still just self-hate. I hated myself. I feared myself. I wanted to be anyone but myself.
Everything came crashing down around me and I almost destroyed all that I held dear to my heart. It was only then that I had to learn that the person I used to be – well, I was just doing the best that I could do with what I was taught.
Sure, I did a lot of “bad” stuff. I hurt people, and I hurt myself. But how could I forget that I was just trying to survive? All those things that I hated about myself were just unhealthy coping mechanisms that had run their course and no longer served me as an adult. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was doing my best.
I had to let go of my hate and instead, thank the person I was for getting me through those difficult years, but peacefully let that person go, as it no longer serves me to behave that way. There’s no need to hate my previous self.
Once I let go of my hatred, I stopped being afraid that I would slip back into old behaviors. Everything became much easier for me to manage, and I was able to follow through with completing positive goals every day.
Of course, this is just my experience. I don’t look down on hate or any feeling for that matter, and I don’t mean to sound like such a ~love and light~ type of person – I still believe in cursing my enemies and looking out for #1 – but that doesn’t mean you have to be filled with hate at all times, is all I’m saying.