THE POWER and the MADNESS in the mania... just BLEW my 24 inch guns out, BROTHER

Previously mentioned altar:

Last night I shucked about 60 live oysters for our party. It turned out that no one likes raw oysters, so I ate about half of them while my boyfriend and his mom ate the other half. It felt like Christmas. I fucking love raw oysters.

Today I will do some cardio and continue cleaning our bedroom. It smells… stale? in here. I hate that stale smell. I’m never quite sure where the fuck it comes from. Is it the carpet? Oh, maybe it’s the carpet. I’ll have to make a solution of water and vinegar in a spray bottle if it’s a mildew thing. And some kind of essential oil spray.

I will meditate, I will go on a walk and ground myself, I will read part of my book, and I will treat my body well today.

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Quit smoking sucks, I went 4 days before I lost it, then I had 3, today I’ve had 2. It feels like a lifetime, but I quit cold Turkey after smoking 2 packs a day for almost 5 years

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It definitely sucks, especially if you have underlying emotional problems that you are still working through, like I do. I’ve been weaning myself off for about two weeks now. It’s been about three days since I haven’t smoked at all, and I actually feel good today. I’ve been keeping myself busy with projects.

How’s life?

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That’s awesome, proud of you.

I’m here. Just trying to make sense of everything

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Thanks a lot, I appreciate it. You should be proud of yourself as well.

I hope you get everything sorted out. Life can be rough at times.

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I spent the day cleaning and rearranging our bedroom today. I decided that it was the carpet that smelled funky, so I mixed vinegar, baking soda, water, and lemongrass essential oil into a spray bottle and spritzed the carpet. I opened the window and kept the fan on to let it dry out.

I also decided that it was time to take down Lilith’s altar. I spoke to her, burned some incense, and thanked her for everything – but decided that it was time for me to move on, as I felt our connection was meant to be brief for a specific period of time. She helped me in so many ways, and perhaps we will work together again in the future. So I took it down, cleaned off the table, and rubbed some peppermint oil onto it. I felt like peppermint smells fresh, which reminds me of new beginnings.

I consecrated a wooden wand with a pentagram on it to place upon my new altar, which is dedicated to myself. A while back, Asmodeus came to me in a dream and I had an altar that honored myself, and I think today I was ready to do that.

I just got out of the shower. I did a 10 minute cardio warm up followed by a 30 minute pilates ab workout routine.

Earlier I made a huge slab of salmon (which was marinated in orange, lemon, basil, and garlic) cooked to a medium-rare, sauteed asparagus, and a salad consisting of raw squash, raw asparagus, and tomatoes tossed in a basil vinaigrette that I just kinda threw together.

I was too lazy to make a ginger shot today, but I will tomorrow, definitely.

I didn’t go outside because I spent the entire day cooking and cleaning, but I’m happy with what I accomplished. I feel so good about myself right now. This is stuff that I would have only done if I was on an amphetamine bender in the past, and now I do it all the time, no drugs required. Who knew.

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Today I woke up, had coffee, and have been jotting down some practices that I bookmarked so that I can just refer to my notebook rather than open up my entire laptop. I try to unplug from technology before doing any kind of magick because I just get distracted by the internet too easily.

I ate some leftover salmon & raw vegetables for breakfast. I also ate some coconut yogurt, a slice of brie, and a green apple.

I just came inside after meditating in the sun for a bit. I visualized the sun filling me with it’s radiant energy, invigorating and revitalizing me.

There is still lots of laundry to be done, which I have been going through slowly. I will exercise later and go to bed early, because I need to help my mother in law gather documents for the audit that the company is going through.

Altogether relaxing day. I’m enjoying my time alone.

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I was beginning to feel very pissed off at around 4:30. I felt like I didn’t do anything with my day, and I began having anxiety about finances and studies. There was a feeling of hopelessness and frustration, and I was swimming in resentments that have been building over the last few months. I’m unsure if it is justified or not, but regardless, I don’t need them latching onto me like this. I must find a way to shed this negativity that has burrowed it’s way deep inside of me that will last longer than a few hours/days.

I do realize, though, that it takes a lot of practice to get to the point where other people don’t bother you. I did spend a lot of years on psychiatric medication, which only covered up all of my symptoms and kept me from ever exploring my psyche and developing coping mechanisms, so it’s understandable that I’m a little behind on this tolerance shit.

I’ll be trying out the method that @Keteriya described to implant your thoughts and feelings into others to make my living situation go a little smoother, so I’ll check back here with the results.

I just finished my workout for today. I did a 30 minute butt workout, followed by a quick (but far from easy) 10 minute arm workout and ended with 10 minutes of cardio. It helped my cramps a little bit, but it helped my mood the most. I’m feeling better about myself and my situation. I’m less pessimistic.

Since I’m not taking medication of any kind, which also now includes benedryl and pain relievers and anything not considered holistic, I’m in a cockload of pain, but I’m working through it.

Earlier I made a juice with grapefruit, celery, kale, ginger, lemon, and carrots, and had a filet mignon I cooked rare for dinner. I craved blood :japanese_ogre:

Everyone has been taken care of. I feel very “mommy” today. I have no plans of children in my future, but that doesn’t mean I can’t nurture those around me, which I love to do.

Hopefully there is chocolate in my future

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I’d like to let everyone know that there was chocolate in my future. My boyfriend came home with three packs of dark chocolate – one pack of intense orange, and two packs of 80% cacao. He knows the deal.

This morning I woke up a little late. I’m giving myself some leeway (lol) since I am on my period, and I will get back on track after this is over.

I had my coffee, and then just made myself a kale & squash salad topped with salmon, olive oil, himalayan pink salt, and pepper. It was delicious and really hit the spot.

I’m going to follow along with a 20 minute stretching video and then go help my mother in law gather documents for the audit. I definitely don’t want to do it right now, and she told me that it’s fine, but she asked me for help and I told her I would help, so it doesn’t really matter how I feel.

I never used to be the type who cared about shit like that, but now I know that if I let that slip, I might as well throw everything else I’ve done to work on myself out the window. I thought being LHP meant being a dick, but it doesn’t. I was just an immature edgelord.

Anyway, I better get started. I’ll report back later with the good things I did for myself today.

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Earlier this morning after the twenty minute stretching video, I started in with some beginner’s yoga. I burned some frankincense and myrrh incense, which is my favorite, and allowed fresh air in through the open window as I went into some of the poses. There was a feeling of wholeness that began in my chest and spread throughout my body. I could smell the fresh air and my favorite incense, and I could turn and look at my dog resting upon my pillow, watching me with love in her little eyes.

I couldn’t finish because my mother in law came home, so I will try it again tomorrow.

We didn’t get very far with the audit shit because she got very stressed out and anxious, so we put it down and decided that Sunday will be dedicated to the gathering of the documents.

I changed my bedsheets because I wanted crisp, white, freshly bleach-washed sheets. Nothing smells better in my opinion. It reminds me of a clean hotel.

Man, what the fuck else did I do today? I’m so tired right now.

Oh, I took my dog outside and we sunbathed with her on my lap. I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my skin, the breeze through my hair, and my dogs warm fur. It was complete relaxation, total contentment. We both enjoyed our moment together, and I kissed her head and brought her inside.

I cooked steaks and sweet potato mash for everyone. It was successful, everyone was happy, and I’m glad. Afterwards I cleaned up and did all the dishes, so I felt very accomplished.

There wasn’t a whole lot of motivation to exercise after that, but I did anyway. I did a thirty minute full body pilates workout with ten minutes of cardio afterwards to squeeze out my last drops of sweat. I took a shower and here I am.

Oh, I also put aside some time to make King Paimon a cup of jasmine green tea with honey, and I burned him some incense as I spoke with him for a few moments. I felt his presence and a warmth, and had this vision of his hand placed upon me in a very nurturing manner, but of him also yelling at me for not doing enough work. He was kind but very stern about me getting my act together. I should be securing a new phone, looking for a job, getting together a savings plan for the certifications and training I want, and studying Spanish. These are all things I said I would do this year, so it must be done.

I’m waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower so that I can brush his hair. It’s so long now. I’ve done his hair every day for almost four years.

Afterwards, I can sleep.

Successful day, though I could have done more, I am proud of myself for keeping a healthy routine.

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This morning as I sit here drinking my coffee with the window open and the westerns channel on, with a clean floor, clean laundry, and clean bedsheets, I can’t help but feel that everything is just perfect.

I’ve never lived in such a nice place, nor have I ever taken care of myself or my surroundings, and here I am today.

My dog is curled up in a little ball next to me, and my father in law is turning on the jacuzzi. He seems happy. My boyfriend and I have convinced him to change some of his lifestyle habits if he wants to feel better because we are concerned about him, and he seems to be receptive and willing.

I feel very happy, I am filled with self-love, and I am excited to start my day.

I will start my day off with some stretching and yoga, followed by a fresh juice that I will make with vegetables, citrus, and ginger. After cleaning everything up, I will head back to my room to vaccuum and clean up a bit before going into a meditation. I think a guided meditation will be good for me today.

At some point, I will spend at least twenty minutes studying Spanish. I can’t tell myself that I am doing what I can to secure a job if I’m not learning the second most used language in the states I’m in. Most places will just automatically hire you if they know you are bilingual. I’d also like to open myself up to experiencing a new culture.

I’m going to get a detailed plan of what exactly I’m going to be saving my money for, and how much I’ll be willing to spend per year on education. I refuse to go into debt, which means I’ll be saving every last dollar to my name, and only buying what is essential. I am not worried, because I know that if I need more money, I can easily attain it. I will never stress, as it will always come to me.

I also need to set aside some time to focus on studying tarot.

These are my plans for the day.

Apparently we are having a party with catering today, so I will do my best to stick to my plan. I don’t know any of the people coming over, so that helps. On the down side, it’s already almost 1 PM and I’m just finishing my morning routine, so I don’t have a lot of time left – but I can make it work.

I’ll report back later.

So, I did some yoga this morning, and then I helped put together the appetizers and catered trays of food for the party. I actually had a good time towards the end, and I did some karaoke. Everyone sang “Like A Stone” by Audioslave with me so that was a good moment.

I figured out a good place to get training for certification in Reiki I, II, & III. I can easily afford it as well. I may have found a good online school for massage therapy which is less than $3,000 so that’s obviously doable.

I even set aside some time to study Spanish, and I will make it a part of my everyday routine. I’m going to study Tarot while my boyfriend takes a shower.

Altogether, it was a great day. I helped my family with everything they needed help with, I enjoyed spending time with some pretty alright people, I feel a little less confused on what I’m going to do for getting training in what I want to learn, and I studied a language. I even started doing yoga, and I really enjoy it. I’m happy with myself and my day. It was a lot of craziness and running around, but I still did everything I wanted to do.

Tomorrow will be an even better day.

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I think, perhaps, the reason why I don’t feel motivated to learn Tarot is because I don’t really care to work with the cards I have. I’m not a huge fan of the artwork, and the person who gave them to me… well, I’m not a big fan of them, either.

I’d like to use them for learning purposes, but what’s the point if I don’t feel like they are mine?

I’m not really sure I buy into the whole “they must be gifted to you” concept, so maybe I’ll look around for something that suits my tastes better, and give these to someone else who might like them.

Dream: I was in another country, where I am not sure, but my father in law in the dream said we were “somewhere in Latin America”. My boyfriend, dog, and I got a trailer hotel where they served us goat penis, goat bladder, “all meat” goat (whatever that is), and curried carrots. I couldn’t wrap my head around eating the goat cock because it was just too cock-like. It had little hairs and the balls were attached and everything, so I just couldn’t. I really wanted to enjoy it, though, and was trying to stop being so weirded out by it.

My dream would flash to the amazon rainforest, how the CEO of some company wants to destroy the rainforest and yet sometimes wants to preserve it, and also something about the Canaanites being there?

I’m not really sure what that was all about.

I’m having my morning coffee now. The family is going on the boat, but my boyfriend, brother in law, and I are staying home to chill.

When everyone leaves and I’m done with my morning routine, I will do some yoga. I think i’ll do the same yoga routine I did yesterday so that I can commit it to memory before moving on. I’ll also add another routine in afterwards because it’s only 20 minutes long.

At some point I’m going to take a cleansing bath and meditate. I can get into trance the best when I am sweating in the steaming hot water with the curtain closed and the lights off. The bathroom gets the darkest since there are no windows, and the way the candle on the corner of the bath tub lights up the walls is very atmospheric.

I do my cleansing routine, then begin chanting and dancing to the beat of the drums, and my mind goes on a journey. It’s what I’ve always done since I started a year and some months ago, and I don’t know if this is considered a certain type of practice because I’ve never bothered to look it up, but it’s always produced feelings of bestial sensuality and an expression of the raw, animalistic parts of me that just wants to growl and dance and make incoherent sounds.

I’m going to enjoy some sunbathing today, maybe even go on a little walk. Going on walks is nice, but it makes me feel trapped when I’m in a gated community where there are only so many places you can walk before you are just seeing the same thing over and over again. It makes me feel like I’m in The Truman Show.

I would really like to go to the beach with my boyfriend and then come home, order ramen, and watch Young Guns, but I don’t think he’s up for leaving the house today. Oh well.

Today is my day to be careless and worry-free. That’s not to say I won’t stick to certain things I know I must do for my improvement as a person, but I enjoy doing those things.

I’ll report back later.

I started off my day with a 45 minute yoga routine which I really enjoyed. I was literally smiling the entire way through the exercises because my body felt so good to be doing those movements. I was also really happy to be free from stress, anxiety, fatigue, and depression for that time. It seems like there is always a lingering negativity behind everything I do, and a big part of that is because of habit.

I spent so many years wallowing in this self-hatred and victim mindset that my mind just automatically links everything to that negative world view. It’s not to say that it is not reversible because it definitely is, but it is just going to take a little bit of time to get used to thinking positively. It’s difficult to be mindful of how you approach the things you experience in life, and I need to learn to take a few moments multiple times a day – dozens of times a day – to stop saying certain things and to vocally correct my thought processes that only serve to make me a miserable person.

Today I felt that, because I was moving a lot and I was remaining present for a lot of what I did, I was able to avoid negative thinking and I even prevented myself from becoming irritated over a situation I would’ve normally been fuming about.

Anyway, after I did that, I made a ginger shot and knocked that back. There’s nothing I love more than the taste of ginger. I love the spiciness of it, especially paired with tumeric and lemon.

I’ve been learning about how you can’t pair certain fruits and vegetables with eachother when making juices, so I’m going to have to look up if it’s okay that I’ve been mixing my ginger and my tumeric with citrus. I know now that I cannot juice citrus with my vegetables, and the only fruit that can be juiced with vegetables are apples (I don’t think granny smith apples, though). Earlier in my journal I mentioned that the juices were hurting my stomach, and I learned that that is because I was not juicing the right combinations of things, I was juicing too many fruits, and I was drinking them too fast. So I will make sure I pay attention to what I’m doing more often, which means researching more thoroughly before I begin doing anything new.

So after yoga I made lunch for my family and then went outside to listen to the waterfall in the pool and meditate. I’m not sure how long I was meditating, but it was a good one. Afterwards I was like shit man, that yoga felt really good and I really wanna do it again. Lmao. So I put on another 45 minute yoga video to follow along with, turned off the lights, lit opium incense and a candle, turned the fan off so I could sweat more, and did yoga again. It was even better than the first round. It really felt like a sensual and intimate moment with myself.

After that, I followed through with a 40 minute pilates session, took a shower, and then had dinner of raw mushroom, sliced tomatoes, olives, raw spinach, and cauliflower rice with white balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil. I wanna say I ate something else but I don’t remember because I’m tired right now.

I’m just lying down watching Dr. Group’s youtube channel right now. He’s my favorite person these last few days and I love his videos. He talks a lot about holistic health and is just an all-around pleasant person who watch speak.

I had a really really good day, and now I’m going to have a really really good sleep. Hope everyone is well.

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I slept seven hours last night, and woke up at 7:40 so that I could have more time in my day.

After coffee, I changed my clothes and went into a 40 minute yoga routine. Afterwards, I juiced 1 grapefruit, 2 oranges, and 1 lemon. I made sure that I cut off the peel, but left as much of the white stuff between the fruit and the skin as I could because it’s filled with vitamins and a flavanoid called quercetin which I’ve been reading more about these last few weeks.

I made some lentils for my family. I just boiled them until soft, then added a little extra virgin olive oil, garlic, and basil with some spinach & baby kale. It turned out better than I expected!

After cleaning everything up, I went back into another yoga routine when my boyfriend went to work. It was 35 minutes long or so. It was a little more challenging than the other routines, so I was pretty wobbly and had to stabilize myself by resting my hand on the bed or wall at times, though I enjoyed pushing myself. It gave me the opportunity to practice the feelings associated with being a beginner and knowing that it’s okay that I am still learning. I’ve always had this daydream of picking up a hobby or skill and being so good at it from the get-go – I think maybe this is a daydream of everyone’s, but it’s just a little embarrassing to admit it. Movies and media make you fall for this trap and it’s easy to give up when you don’t immediately see progress, but I’m learning to work through that.

My body is sore in the weirdest places!

After that, I went outside and layed out in the sun. I focused on my breathing and I visualized taking in the energy of the sun and of my body producing vitamin D. I’m really impressed with the human body for producing this vitamin when exposed to the sun, so I enjoy thinking about it when I’m outside.

I had a salad with shrimp and then took a steaming hot bath. I listened to some music that went with the book I’m reading. Normally videos labelled as “meditation music” are really bad. It’s always the same sound in a loop, and the all sound the same, but this one is different.

My boyfriend’s family is going on a week-long trip to some resort, and we’ve opted to stay behind and chill. It will be a nice time for me to escape from expectations and rest in the knowledge that no one will need me (aside from my bf of course)

My dog is sleeping with her head resting on the corner of my laptop because she loves to lay on technology. I’m waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower and I’m watching Dr. Group again. I love watching his videos, and because his voice is so soothing, they have the added benefit of lulling me to sleep :relieved:

I feel that a mistake a lot of people make is hating who they used to be, or hating someone else so much that they vow to never become like them. In my experience, that leads to one developing the attitudes of anything as long as it is the polar-opposite of whatever it is they hate. This isn’t always a useful change in behavior or thought – it’s just different from what they hate.

My mother hated her mother, who was strict, proper, organized, etc. and in her quest to be anything but her mother, she became a mess. She rationalized what she did to herself and her life by saying, “At least I’m not like her.”

When I stopped taking drugs and alcohol, I grew to detest the person that I was. I thought about how pathetic, selfish, and weak they were. I decided I would never be that person again, and I became this person who refused to acknowledge her shadow, and began to push away my boyfriend because he was “too negative” – I wouldn’t let him express himself to me, out of fear that his “negativity” would rub off on me, and I had this perception of myself as being so happy and carefree, and anyone else should just do what I did and stop being victims.

I didn’t realize that I was just living in some kind of weird delusion where I refused to pay any attention to who I actually was, and I began losing touch with my personality and the people I loved around me. In actuality, I wasn’t the most positive person – My “positivity” had become toxic.

This grew out of a hatred for my past self, but at the end of the day, it’s still just self-hate. I hated myself. I feared myself. I wanted to be anyone but myself.

Everything came crashing down around me and I almost destroyed all that I held dear to my heart. It was only then that I had to learn that the person I used to be – well, I was just doing the best that I could do with what I was taught.

Sure, I did a lot of “bad” stuff. I hurt people, and I hurt myself. But how could I forget that I was just trying to survive? All those things that I hated about myself were just unhealthy coping mechanisms that had run their course and no longer served me as an adult. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was doing my best.

I had to let go of my hate and instead, thank the person I was for getting me through those difficult years, but peacefully let that person go, as it no longer serves me to behave that way. There’s no need to hate my previous self.

Once I let go of my hatred, I stopped being afraid that I would slip back into old behaviors. Everything became much easier for me to manage, and I was able to follow through with completing positive goals every day.

Of course, this is just my experience. I don’t look down on hate or any feeling for that matter, and I don’t mean to sound like such a ~love and light~ type of person – I still believe in cursing my enemies and looking out for #1 – but that doesn’t mean you have to be filled with hate at all times, is all I’m saying.

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I actually wasn’t going to leave the house, but I went outside and it was such a beautiful sunny day, so I tagged along with my boyfriends family to go to the resort.

It was amazing there. You are on the first floor, and you go out onto the balcony and you are at the pool, and there is a boardwalk down to the beach – it’s all right outside your room! It’s a Waldorf Astoria so it’s really nice, and they were able to get a good deal because the boss lady is a family member.

I ate a spinach salad with golden beets, candied pecans, green beans, grapefruit, toasted coconut, and chilled shrimp with shaved parmesean on top. It came with a coconut vinaigrette. That shit was amazing.

I’m going back tomorrow morning.

I got some sun and I dunked myself in the cleansing waters of the ocean. I feel like a brand new person! My boyfriend came home at the same time as me, so we’re going to order some poke and maybe watch a movie.

Perfect day.

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Ahhh… as much as I enjoyed going to a fancy shmancy hotel, I must say that nothing feels better than cancelling plans. I was going to go back in the morning, which would require getting up early, which would also mean not getting eight hours, and furthermore, I would roast in the sun even though I had enough sun today, and I wouldn’t be able to get back home in time to go to the store and have dinner ready. Nah. Fuck that shit.

I’m going to wake up at my leisure, drink coffee without rushing, casually get dressed for a relaxed yoga session, perhaps take a dip in the pool, meditate, study Spanish, cook something delicious for dinner, clean up, and then have a nice bath with some dead sea salt and a freshly pressed juice. That sounds like the life to me.

The happiest part of my day was actually coming home and watching The Lords of Dogtown with my boyfriend while eating a really tasty poke bowl. At the end of the day, he is my best friend, and it does not matter where I am – if he’s not there with me, then jokes are not as funny because I can’t look over and see him smile. He’s also going to work, and I think he deserves a delicious dinner to come home to :slight_smile:

I’ll also have enough time and privacy to perform a ritual, which I haven’t been able to do for a while now. I need a lot of time to prepare and put myself into the mindset, so I may get something together.

I plan on reading more into the Law of Attraction because last night as I read the LoA thread, It just really tantalized me and I fell asleep smiling. I just saw infinite possibilities, and it felt good for it to finally ‘click’ for me.

I’ve never been a studious person because my focus is all over the place, but I’m learning to get it under control so that I can retain information better.

Anyway, i’m going to sleep.

I feel unmotivated, but I’m just going to have to follow through with my daily activities anyway. I just made a ginger and tumeric shot for myself, and I’m currently procrastinating in doing my yoga routine. I know once I’m doing it, I will enjoy myself, but I’m just feeling very fucking lazy.

***later

I didn’t post that earlier because I went upstairs to order groceries, and I’m feeling much better. I’m excited because I got more coconut oil and I’m going to start oil pulling. I also bought some stuff to make jerk chicken & pineapple kabobs with a side of red quinoa. I can’t wait to try the hemp milk I ordered as well.

I’m making my boyfriend a turkey and brie sandwich on an everything bagel cooked on the panini press, and after he goes back to work, I’ll do my yoga routine and meditate.

I think the ginger and tumeric shot is kicking in because I have energy and motivation again. My mood depends on healthy food, though I believe that’s the case for everyone, whether they are aware of it or not.

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