You look relaxed, and I’m glad your feeling better
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Thanks man
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I can’t believe they were selling cool ass face masks on the NIN site 
I hope they make more man fuckkk
I went on the boat today and it was super chill
Trent 
I’m really obsessed with Nine Inch Nails again, ahhhh to be 16 again and in the throws of major depressive disorder
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Lmao, I had a dream that I got a cool NIN face mask, but it wouldn’t fit right. Okay, fine, I’ll try to stop impulse buying shit 
Woke up at 7am. We’re going shopping for winter clothes since we’ll be leaving the state.
Honestly, I feel like a loosely stitched together ballsack this morning. I’m not feeling life. I want to go back to bed and avoid other human beings. I despise waking up early, and I would rather be lazy.
However, when I wake up in the morning, the thought of having more hours in the day to dedicate to researching and practicing magick & having more time to sneak off for a lakeside meditation forces me to get up and brew a cup of coffee.
I have never been this person before. I am actually willing to get up early so that I can improve upon my practice and continue to grow as a person… A year ago I was over sharing sexual situations with entities and passing out drunk and high on ambien in a tent filled with rainwater 
It is the embarrassing reality of my first footsteps onto this path, but I make no apologies. I have briefly considered deleting some cringe worthy posts, but I choose to leave them up because it is evidence of my growth, and I refuse to allow myself to feel guilty or shameful over my past.
It is who I was! I was doing the best I could do, but my intentions were honest, and here I am now. Everyone has their little embarrassing moments, and I won’t hide from mine.
Today I will be better than I was yesterday. I will utilize my time efficiently, and do something new. I will have better control over my feelings and my reactions. I will strive to be more assertive and do something that makes me nervous or uncomfortable.
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Yesterday I grew more and more frustrated as the day went on. I’m unsure if it is because I got up earlier than normal or some other factors, but I did my best to work through it.
Sometimes I feel myself getting angry at others a lot, but I am unsure if it is even justified or not. I used to live in my anger and lash out on others for situations that were dramatized in my mind, so I have a difficult time trying to tell whether my feelings are justified or not.
But then I think, are anyone’s feeling justified? We all experience this world subjectively. No one is really right or wrong, it is all just perception.
Does this anger benefit me right now, and is it great enough that it should change the way I view this person or get in the way of our dynamic? No, definitely not. There were no great insults to me.
Anyway, what matters to me is that despite my sour mood, I went on a walk as the sun set and I meditated by the water.
I couldn’t get into it for about twenty minutes, I kept considering just going home and saying fuck it, and I kept getting bit by mosquitoes – but then I began to sink into myself and allow my mind to wander.
I didn’t try to analyze my thoughts too much, I just let them happen with enough detachment that I didn’t get hooked on any particular train of thought.
I’m happy with myself, and will do better again, today.
I’ve been thinking, lately, about how a common theme with magickian and working with spirits is that their spouse will be taken away from them, and they later learn that they were a blockage and it was necessary.
Is it the spouse that is the blockage, or is it the practitioner who perceives them that way? I wonder if they really take away what is bad for you, or if they just yank those things away that you already decided isn’t benefiting you.
How can anyone really be a blockage unless you allow them to get in your way?
Another thought – how much of this life destroying shit is the fault of the magickian? I understand that sometimes destruction is necessary to create something better in its place, but is that always what is happening? Perhaps spirits would like to see who they are working with – will you fight for what you love? Or will you shrug your shoulders and let everything get taken away from you?
Of course every situation varies, but I think it is naive to assume everything that happens is for your growth.
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Today I went shopping with my MIL. We needed winter clothes for our trip.
We went to this tea store in the mall and I’m so happy because I found this!
I’ve been wanting white willow bark for a long time so that I can stop taking ibuprofen and it just seemed to fall into my lap today!
I also will be making some money tomorrow, which is amazing since I am unemployed at the moment.
Today I was assertive with someone in regards to payment for helping them out. Normally, I will just hope that they offer to pay, and never speak up out of fear that they will think less of me or get upset, but instead I was calm and firm. I’m super proud of myself for this achievement. I had zero anxiety about doing it! I’ve literally never told someone to pay me in my life. I feel amazing.
For dinner I made grilled jerk chicken, parmesan crusted pork chops (because we didn’t have much chicken to feed everyone), fettuccine alfredo, and chocolate chip cookies from scratch.
I had many opportunities to spend money today and I resisted the urge to get more than what I planned on. I stuck to my list, which was winter clothes and tea. Somehow I managed to avoid perfume and bath bombs 
I feel myself growing into the person I have always been inside. I no longer suffer from constant anxiety.
Certain things still frighten me, but the difference is that I will do those things anyway and learn to remain calm. I’m doing things I never thought I could do! I’m progressing faster than I even thought possible and I’m beyond happy.
Its only been a year (give or take some months where I took breaks) and I’ve already ditched so many weaknesses that I never thought I could part with. If this much is possible in such a short amount of time, I can say with confidence that I will achieve everything that I want.
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My dream was about glasya-labolas (who I’ve never worked with) and the “spirits of the black flame” (not sure if that’s a thing, it was just in my dream) and Belial was part of my dream again as well.
I remember getting a job and money and I was thanking Belial.
I saw these huge machines made of spiritual energy spinning around and I was doing some kind of Magick (I can’t remember)
I should have written all of this down when I woke up in the middle of the night but I fell back asleep immediately
I am sitting by the lake right now. I just finished meditating with a ten minute positive affirmations exercise afterwards, then lied in the grass and grounded myself.
I’m watching these ducks swimming underwater to catch and eat fish, and I’m enjoying the way the sun is warming my skin each time the clouds part from it for a few moments at a time.
Earlier I was very lethargic and disgruntled, so I snuck away before anyone could ask anything of me.
I feel stuck a lot of the time because, being the reliable person I am, everyone knows they can come to me for help. I am happy to lend a hand for the household, but it gets annoying when I’m constantly needed for something.
I shook off the negativity and am now pleased that I am someone that others can depend on and trust with anything. I haven’t always been this person, and it has taken a lot of work to show others that they can lean on me. The fact that they see this side of me shows that my work has paid off.
I also must make it clear to everyone that I require some time every day to myself, and make sure to ask them if there is anything thing we can get out of the way before it is time for me to wander off and have a moment of peace and isolation. They would be more than understanding of my needs, and I should learn to vocalize these things, rather than make assumptions and get frustrated.
I’m going to head back to the house now, and not have to worry any longer about making time for myself.
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I didn’t feel like getting up this morning because I kept waking up all throughout the night, so my boyfriend started playing Nine Inch Nails.
It’s like he has the cheat codes to my brain. When I was extremely depressed a year ago, he knew that I would get up if he started playing Silverchair which was my favorite band at the time.
He’s figured out what works to get me up and inspired and I’m grateful. When he started playing NIN I knew what he was doing and I couldn’t help but smile at his genius way of helping me out. It’s a little throwback to how bad I used to feel and I’m grateful I don’t feel that way anymore, so I should just get up.
He cut his hand with a nail super deep and he can’t work for a few days so we get to hang out.
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I had a dream that these silent hill/resident Evil looking monsters had huge penises and were trying to attack me as soon as it became dark outside and they we’re fucking this person to death (literally to death) which was extremely graphic like some kind of monster porn and I couldn’t help but watch in awe of what I was witnessing (and also in horror)
I would wake up (in the dream) and it would suddenly grow extremely dark outside even though it was the morning, and all the monsters would come out
And fuzzy flying scorpions were also trying to kill me, so I faked them out by swinging something over my head, which they would latch onto thinking it was me.
It was at this abandoned looking house with a shed out in the middle of the woods. It was supposed to be, from my warped mind, where I’ll be staying when we go to tennessee.
In my dream, I was also exercising with my friend that lives there, and I saw a hair metal band in concert. I think Tom Cruise was there because I just watched Rock of Ages lmao
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Life is wonderful. Magick is absolutely everywhere. I have the tools to continue to build my life and begin a career and I never have to worry. Everything will always work out in my favor, and I continue to improve every single day.
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I drank my morning ginger/tumeric/lemon shot and am now having a cup of peppermint tea with raw clover honey. I’m considering fasting today for the health benefits, but later I may have to have a bowl of this garlic cilantro chicken stew that I have cooking on the stovetop. I haven’t made it in a very long time and it’s my favorite meal.
I’m listening to the Silent Hill 2 ost while my bf is at the gym. Tomorrow we are packing to go on our road trip, so I’m spending the day doing laundry. I’m so excited to leave Florida.
I’m feeling extremely sensitive today. My hormones are raging and there has been a few bumps in the road while planning our road trip, and we may not be able to take the whole month. I’ve also been exhausted taking care of everyone in this house, and I’m ready for a break. As I get closer to leaving Florida, I become more agitated. I just want to leave already. I do feel that my hormones are causing this negativity, but I’m just going to allow myself to relax and cry if I want to. Better to get the feelings out of my system.
I’ve been accumulating money left and right. It’s almost as if simply having a goal (getting money for our trip) causes it to manifest immediately. I’ve been gifted money, I have a new money making gig, I found money in the grass outside… Does anyone else just seem to have their goals manifest without any work?
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I’m back from the longest road trip I’ve ever been on. Holy shit! I’m exhausted.
We made it all the way to Las Vegas and back. My favorite place we stayed was Arizona.
I bought a whole bunch of incense, a few candles, a wand, egyptian musk fragrance oil, and some tobacco vanilla bar soap. I just burned some indian temple incense and it smelled amazing.
I’m just going to take a few days to relax and engage in some self-care and isolation because I’m super burned out. I’m also weaning myself off of nicotine and I need to take it easy because it’s pretty difficult for me to manage my emotions. I did successfully work through a major panic attack through deep breathing and healthy distractions, so I’m proud of myself for that.
I’m just glad to be home, to snuggle my dog, to burn my incense, and not have to worry about food money or whether the next hotel has their coffee station open or not due to covid or whatever.
I’m happy to be back! I couldn’t check in here because I dropped my phone in the bathtub and it is broken. I haven’t bothered with buying a new one yet because I’ve been enjoying my days without technology, and I’m going to ride out the excuse that my phone is broken for as long as I can so that I can ignore the outside world a little longer.
Hope everyone is well.
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I have stayed true to my decision to isolate and rest, despite momentary pangs of guilt for not being “productive” enough. The most important thing to me is my mental health, and I cannot be of any use to this household if I don’t take care of myself first.
I do feel that I’m ready to get back into the game. I organized the kitchen closet and cooked some dover sole in a lemon shallot vinaigrette with cauliflower rice and sliced avocado on the side.
Earlier I made a potent elixir (as my brother in law jokingly called it) of hot water, fresh lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and fuckloads of fresh ginger. I let it come together for about an hour before slamming it down.
The nicotine withdrawls are getting easier. A few days ago I was lost in the throws of panic and rage, but today I am fine. I only took one puff of the nicotine vape this morning as a precautionary measure to avoid any serious mood swings, but I think it actually triggered a panic attack, so I wonder if I no longer need to take puffs here and there. I will test it out tomorrow and see if I am done weaning myself off.
I read a chapter of the book Merrick by Anne Rice in the bathroom today. It’s much nicer dedicating bathroom time to reading a novel rather than scroll through my phone. I tell myself its okay because I deleted my social media, but it is still mindless scrolling and an overattachment to technology.
I also took a cleansing bath. I ran some hot water and infused it with green tea. I poured some clean water in my tibetan singing bowl with some salt and my amethyst stone and I focused my intent for it to heal my mind, body, and spirit. I blew incense smoke of frankincense and myrrh into the bowl, I rang the bowl a few times, poured the water in the bath tub visualizing cleansing light, and then rang the bowl over my bath water until I felt it was done. I also lit a pink candle for self love, and put two green tea bags over my eyes.
I also chanted the Alash Tad Al’ash Tal Ash’tu mantra for a while after a few Oms and Ahs. I felt an awesome sense of power flowing through my body, and I couldn’t help but do these gestures with my hands. I am not really sure what the deal with that was, but I couldn’t stop moving my hands rhythmically to my chanting. It also annihalated my anxiety in seconds of chanting, and I felt outside of myself. By that I mean, I felt that I was inside of my mind, but that my mind was all around my body rather than just in my head. The power also seemed to come from my core and spread outward. I never chanted this mantra before, I just put it on as audio from a Satania video and I ended up chanting along with it. I will implement this into my daily life, because I felt like a new person. It is actually the driving force behind all that I did today – I just had all of this energy and motivation.
I’m eating sliced apples dipped in hummus as a snack tonight. Tomorrow I am getting a two hour massage as a present from my boyfriend, so if anyone needs me, I will have turned into a bed-ridden jelly and will be of no use.
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I played a bit of Fallout 3 as I drank my morning coffee, and then turned off the tv and have just been kinda busying myself around the house, picking up after everyone and cleaning their messes. I don’t mind it, they are all doing their own household duties and I can understand forgetting to clean up. I do it all the time.
I’m dealing with some internalized negativity and resentments towards other people in my life and I’m trying to figure out how to stop getting stuck in that angry cycle. It could be amplified now that I have quit nicotine, because that was my way of dealing with the daily stresses and anxieties I always face, so I just need to figure out something healthier that I can use to cope.
My boyfriend and I went on a short walk to get some vitamin D and light exercise. He is going to go for a few hours, so I will do some pilates in my room. I have finally given in to the fact that my joints can’t handle running anymore, so pilates will be my new thing.
Yesterday I got a two hour full body massage with some reflexology, and I feel amazing. She even massaged my stomach and my face.
For my boyfriend and I’s anniversary in February we are going to go to a salt spa. They have salt rooms where you can book a certain amount of time to relax and meditate inside, and they also have a sensory deprivation tank so we’ll do both and make it a day.
I’m going to get his mom to join me on eating more raw foods. I don’t mean raw veganism, because I will still be eating things like sashimi and beef carpaccio. I also want to implement fermented foods into my diet. Eventually I would like to have an entirely raw food diet, but it’s difficult when you live with a bunch of people who eat different things. Once we are out on our own, we will be able to eat the way we want. I’ll also research how to grow fruit and vegetables in a greenhouse so that I can do that once we get our own place.
I’ve been taking elderberry extract lately. I bought it because I got a chest cold on vacation and when I took medicine, I woke up the next day feeling substantially worse, so I stopped taking all medication and took the holistic route. I would breathe in steam to expel the mucus from my lungs, I jumped up and down, I took salt baths and sweat as much as I could, I took 1-2 tsp elderberry extract every morning, I drank lots of hot water with lemon, cayenne, and ginger, etc. and it was amazing how quickly I recovered – and didn’t have to take antibiotics!
So I feel that I’ve been awakened to a whole new way of living that I never understood before. I do as much as I can to enrich my body and treat it well. I want to be doing pilates and tending to my vegetables at 80 years old, and look 50. There are people out there who do it, and I will be one of them.
My week of relaxation and isolation is over tomorrow. I gave myself this time to unwind, and I am ready to get to work. I will save all of my money and focus on getting certified in Reiki and research how to go about certifications in reflexology and massage therapy. I’d also like to study homeopathic medicine.
I’m going to work as hard as I can and I will accomplish my goals this year.
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This morning as I drink my coffee, I am researching where and how I would go about learning Reiki. I stumbled upon a school that offers three types of programs – the first is standard reiki, the second is shamanic reiki, the third is holy reiki. I’ve never heard of the latter two and I wonder if it’s a legitimate form of reiki or not. I also wonder if this place is to be trusted. I’m generally very cautious about putting my trust into learning centers, and each course is $360.
Do people typically just go to a reiki master that is not affiliated with a school? I have no idea. I do know that I will need to put together a savings account – one that I cannot transfer money from unless I go to the bank and request it – so that I can afford to learn everything.
It only takes three years to learn acupuncture, though the school I looked at listed the entire program as costing $47,000. Yeah, I think that will be a future-future investment.
I know for a fact that I will have enough money to do whatever I want to do, and when the time comes, I will excel.
Anyway, I am going to get ready so that I can help my mother in law go grocery shopping. We are having some family over and she wants to do a giant surf’n’turf. We are getting ipswitch steamers, sushi-grade tuna (i will make tuna tartare), seabass, and steaks.
I plan to take a bath at some point today, I must work through the soreness in my legs and exercise again, and venture outside to meditate. The other day, I heard bats screeching as I burned incense and lit a candle. I absolutely adore bats. They are my absolute favorite creature, right next to scorpions. There is something special about them, and I feel a deep connection. I love them.
I had a dream that I was speaking to my ‘ancestors’. I was being guided and protected from danger by one of my ancestors, who took the form of what appeared to be molag bal? Who also switched form into a regular man in a suit, and I ended up meeting another ancestor of mine, who’s son loved to write biographies. His son, in my dream, was a combination of vlad the impaler and elizabeth bathory lore. I’ve never had a dream that focused on ancestors, and I wonder if it was just the ashwaganda I took in my hibiscus tea last night.
I’m beginning to feel better without nicotine, and I found that the key to getting through this without hurting anyone is by eating a lot of food. It’s been all healthy food, and I’ve been trying to eat raw as much as I can, but I do feel much better.
I’d feel a lot better with a belly full of mead, but you can’t have it all.
Well I’ve got some shit to do. Hope everyone is well.
Edited to add: There was another part of my dream where I was having a panic attack and crying for hours and hours. My uncle, who I am not close to and never talk to, was driving me and he gave me some of his valium to help calm me down. I was grateful, and I took half of a pill so that I wouldn’t look like I took anything because my boyfriend’s mom is basically a drug hound.
It’s a reminder of how far I’ve come, that I can pull myself out of a panic attack and do not rely on drugs or medication of any form. I believe in my own power, and I know that if someone were to offer me valium in the future, I would decline.
I took a bath this morning. I read a little bit from the book Merrick by Anne Rice, then placed two green tea bags over my eyes and did some chanting. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of losing yourself as you chant.
I went grocery shopping and we bought an entire box of live oysters. I shucked my first oyster which is pretty exciting for me. They are fucking delicious.
I’m not really looking forward to having all of these people over. I will enjoy a gathering of people for a little while, but as soon as I get the chance, I always retreat into isolation. I’d much rather be alone without having to put forth the effort to engage with people and feel them out to see what kind of person they are… I’ll just eat and then leave. Lol.
They are going to be here for a week (or more) so I’ll be looking forward to having the house back to normal.
I am still feeling spurts of negativity and irritation, but I must remember that I am also going to be getting my period soon, and that always fucks with me. I may be ready to finally throw away the nicotine vape. I was scared to do it just in case I have a bad episode, but I think my bad days might be over.
Definitely still going to do my best to take it easy to avoid stressing myself out or opening myself up to energies that my current state of mind won’t handle well, so no rituals or anything. Just meditation and exercise. I’ll get back into the groove – what’s important is that I’ve finally accomplished something I thought I would never be able to do.
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So about two weeks ago, I was doing a little exercise that involved jumping and my King Paimon sigil necklace came apart (the loops that hook together). I fashioned it so that it would still remain on my neck, but a week ago I took it off and put it onto his altar.
I got the altar that I painted for him back from my dad, so I was in the process of moving all of his items from the top of the dresser onto his designated space when I found that the necklace was put back together as if nothing happened!
I’m not going to write off the fact that the cleaning lady could have possibly fixed it for me because she is handy like that, but even if that were the case, she would just happen to find it broken and take the time to fix it despite being busy running around doing all that she does.
I also turned the light off and my boyfriend said that his altar was glowing. I turned to look and began to laugh because I totally forgot that I lined the altar with glow in the dark paint so that I could see it in the middle of the night. I was just delighted to have that little memory.
So I have his altar back and it looks beautiful. I’d love to take a picture but my laptop is awful, so I will use my boyfriend’s phone to take one so I can post it here. I’m so very happy with it and I can’t stop staring at it. It just radiates his energy. His altar being on top of the dresser wasn’t fantastic because I never felt like it looked like him, and I also had to sit on top of a stool to speak with him at his altar and it wasn’t comfortable. Now I can easily just sit on the floor to talk with him whenever and not have to be distracted by my asscheeks going numb.
I’m so happy today. I haven’t had his altar in over a year! I’m grateful that my father kept it for me.