The Maddness of Dralukman- A Journal

[Dralukmun]

Hello everyone, this will be a record of rituals I do in between my gatekeeper pathworking. It will be geared towards my own personal needs and, due to my eclectic nature, will likely be disorganized. However, I hope it is found to be helpful to whoever may need it, whether the rituals serve as an example or help to encourage that taking a twisting path is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you have personal awareness. There will likely be some things I leave out in terms of certain topics i may discuss with these spirits in regards of my life for my privacy but i will share everything else. Keep in mind that this will be my gnosis and results, so what works or does not work for me may not be the same for others. Thank you for reading this.

Edit: I may post my gatekeeper workings separately but we will see as this will also serve as an experiment for me with online journals

[Verdo]

Hey, don’t mean to interrupt, but I was wondering Tiberius…is this your first account on BALG? Because there’s another older user with the same name whose posts I strongly appreciate, and I was wondering if you were the same guy

[Dralukmun]

Yeah, it is my first account. Although I will keep an eye out for him, always looking for good reads

[Dralukmun]

Entry #1 Preparation for Ritual with Anpu (also known as Anubis)

This may be a little boring of a topic but it is an important one to cover for anyone who is inexperienced with working with deities or spirits in general. In ritual, what you put into it can have an immense effect on what you get for your result. So doing some work outside of the ritual space can really add a punch to the ritual. In the case of working with spirits, researching on whatever information you can about them can really make a difference. Learn their mythology, their symbols, what people have offered them in the past, their specialities, etc. You will have to leave any expectations you have at the door prior to the actual ritual, but the act of trying to learn as much as you can about the spirit will help you establish a link to make communication easier.

In this case, I will be making amends for a previous offense I made against the Egyptian God Anpu about seven years ago. I acted arrogant when I traveled to his home and paid the price. I haven’t worked with him since but feel that making peace would be necessary to move forward, especially if I decide to do a Kemetic Pathworking later in life. So I am researching as many documents as I can find online from multiple universities about how his role within the Ancient Egyptians’ world, his descend from being the main deity of the dead into the role of a guide, his presence in the mummification rituals, etc. I also am thinking about what I can offer and have a few things in mind. I will be making incense and bread for the offering, as well as water (which I will be fasting from today to add to the importance). Blood does not feel suitable for this ritual. I also live close enough to look out of my living room window to see the local cemetery to reflect on mortality in general, as well as further remind me of him in my thoughts.

All these little things are to add to the potency of my evocation later tonight and are tips another can follow to help among their own journey.

[Dralukmun]

Incense Offering to Anpu Recipe
(Made with the help of my wife, who works with the Egyptian Pantheon)

1 part frankincense
1 part Sandalwood
1/2 part Cedar or pine
1/2 part Myrrh
1/2 part Copal
1/2 part Cinnamon
1/4 part lavender
1/4 part chamomile

A majority of this blend are ingredients that were actually used in the mummification process, not as incense at the time (there are recipes for the incense the Egyptians used for offerings to their gods that have been translated. The blend is called Kyphi). It is to be burned on charcoal tablets

[Dralukmun]

Evocation of Anubis- good outcome but what the hell just happened

So, I went into ritual with my offerings of beef, bread and incense. I had been feeling drained all day but was pushing myself forward. I built a small shrine for him using a rabbit pelt, a pelvis bone from a dog, some shells, and feathers with my cauldron prepped with sand and a lit charcoal disk. I also had a candle nearby to help put light on the statue to use as a focal point. While looking for incense ingredients earlier, I found my domasican rose essential oil that I forgot I had and anointed myself with it (diluted of course in a base). I put on some Egyptian theme music and began to mediate, grounding myself.

When I felt relaxed and ready, I repeated the “Sha” mantra(?) mentioned in EA’s Lucifer-Amaymon grimoire put of instinct (did not click where it came from until just now) visualizing my breath eroding the physical space to create a sacred one where gods and man could meet. I put some incense on the charcoal and began to call Anubis by repeating his name as well as one of his others (Anpu) back and forth.

He appeared beside the shrine very quickly, in the form of a shadowy jackal within the smoke. The feeling of the air was pretty much like the energy being released one feels at the moment someone has died while they are in the room. It is hard to explain to someone who has not witnessed it themselves. He looked at me intensely, listening as I gave my apology and my offerings. He chuckled and told me that he accepts as an urge to extend my hand into the smoke filled me.

I followed it and felt an arm grip my forearm, like two allies greeting each other. Satisfied, I was about to dismiss him when all my strength was pulled out and was basically pushed down. I saw that I was laying on a table with Anubis in human form wearing a jackal mask hovering over my body. He began to cut and remove black masses out of my body before stitching the wound up again. He came up to my head and forced my mouth open. He reached into his side pouch and put something inside. He said “I am returning this to you. Take better care of it. You may had dived into death in the past, became part of it, but you are still alive. Enjoy it.”

My vision them returned to my space but I could still hear him.

Anubis: “your heart does not weigh as much as you think, so don’t make it out as so. Guide your friends well when they come for your counsel and call on me when you need help doing so.” He dismissed himself and everything went back to normal.

Not sure what exactly he put into me, but I am feeling at ease now. So, I think it is safe to say that this was a success.

Edit: the “guide your friends” part revolves around something going on irl that I am not comfortable sharing at the moment. I am not looking to mentor others at this time beyond participating in threads or through this journal indirectly. Nor am I looking to become some cult leader…although…there is a lot of money involved…nah, too much work lol thanks for reading.

[Rikki1511]

Loving your journal

[Dralukmun]

So, already feeling the effects of last night’s ritual. I did another offering at the family altaras I had a dream of a jackal asking for a particular food offering, along with some for the other two deities. I am still feeling the calm from yesterday as well as a sensation of a blockage being removed. I am having ideas and spells flowing through my mind to improving situations at work. It had been eating at me for the last few weeks. I also refound a book on Egyptian inspired incantations I bought with the dog pelvis on the altar I never got around to. So, lots of things to do.

[Dralukmun]

Preparation: Lilith Evocation

I have decided that the next ritual will be focusing on Lilith. I have not worked with her since college (about 8 years now) and we parted on a similar fashion as Anubis, minus the astral ass beating. There is not an dark cloud over the idea like there was with Anubis, but I believe it would still be wise to give offerings prior to the working out of respect. If anything, the image of a woman shaking her head and laughing at something ridiculous comes to mind when I think too hard about the amends.

Nonetheless, even though I feel a sense of welcome and familiarity, I will be giving her the respect I give any other spirit with proper preparations. After the offering, I will be devoting my mediation time devoting to her enn and reaching out to her energy. There has been some sufficient damage done to my emotional side due to so,e events both in my childhood and my failed engagement that has barred my way to being intimate (not just physically but emotionally as well)with others in all sense of the word so I am hoping this will help in the end. My wife knows about the damage and supports me in my endeavor to conquer that part of the past. But my focus at the moment is to make amends before focusing on what I want out of this. Updates will be written as I go.

[Dralukmun]

Today’s event was very brief

I was on the way home from work and closed my eyes (I carpool and wasn’t driving). I was planning on using Lilith’s enn as a mantra, being all spiritually professional and such, but I was exhausted and just recited her name. By the third time, I saw myself on a battlefield, covered in blood. All around me were bodies and they were all versions of myself. I looked over and saw a woman standing with her back towards me, standing in front of a child version of me. I could feel the power radiating out of her and knew who she was.

Her: these are all the lives you have ended. These are the worlds you have destroyed. Why do you keep them prisoner? Why do you hate them?

Me: I don’t, I thought I had dealt with all of this.

Her: You have grown, but you mistaken hiding your wounds as strength. You have not dealt with it, just stored it away. And here it remains until you let them go.

Me: How do I do that?

Her: Acknowledge them and let them rest.

I looked over at the child me and knew the memory of he represented. My mother left myself and my sister behind due to the control my father ripped from her over her reproduction. My father being stoic like I can be, he was little comfort as the world was ripped away growing up, being the protector of my sister (who is on the autism spectrum and was bullied often), being moved from the other side of the country over his interest with his new wife who forced me to call her mom the first week of knowing her, being driven so mad that I was thrown into the instuition for simply depression and all the physical, psychological, and emotional abuse that followed from childhood to my exile once I left home for college. So much pain, so much anger, so much fear came to the surface.

Her: you are not your father, nor either of your mother. You are not the greatness your grandfathers were, nor the wisdom of your grandmother. You are you, Tiberius. That is all you will ever be. You tried to kill yourself, both physically and emotionally. You became like death, walking around with a false sense of strength. But you are alive, and everything you worked for will fail if you do not do this. Release him."

I walked over and broke his chains. She held him and began to fade. I heard her whisper

“Bind my sigil to your ring and we will begin. It’s time to close the wounds.”

Then I came back. So I guess I will be doing some shadow working. Obviously, I left out the exact details of what happened online. There is a lot more, drugs being involved as well. But i shared what i am comfortable with as part of this working with her. Not everything in this path is comfortable, but none the less rewarding. I will be drawing her sigil and opening with blood to put under my pillow.

We will see where it goes

[Dralukmun]

The intention of straight forward evocation has shifted into binding a sigil into an object that I carry on my person. The experience from yesterday has weighed heavily on my mind with memories of my childhood flooding in, both good and bad. For the first time in a long time, they evoke emotional responses, whether joy or sadness. They do not however feel like a dark cloud looming over the horizon.

I felt the need to give an offering and instead of the usual occult trappings I have come to rely on, I went back to what I used to do in the old days when I had nothing. I played some music that I had distinctly associated with Lilith (Sting’s “desert rose”) and began to sing along, focusing on her. I may not be the best around, but that’s not the point. I took the time to spend focusing on who I appreciated and gave some care from the power behind my voice as the offering. It reminded me of the time my grandmother taught me to sing to the plants in the vegetable garden as a gift for the spirits who gave theirs to us. I saw a flash of a woman’s smile so it seems to have been approved.

I will still be doing a more physical offering (I have an incense blend in mind to make) but it was nice to go back to one of my earliest practices. It was one of those that opened the door to everything else and thought it would be helpful to share for anyone new, possibly intimidated by whether or not an offering is good enough or those who do not have much else to give at this current time.

[Dralukmun]

Warning: this entry relates to suicide. No, I do not have any desire to die or hurt myself. I have dealt with that in my past and have done a lot of self work, including professional help. Anyone who is in that boat, please call the suicide hotline appropriate to your country. The world’s bullshit is not worth dying for and there is always another way out.

I woke up this morning completely hazed as I partied a little too hard on my night off. As I crawled out of bed, I took a few moments to meditate. As I calmed myself, I saw myself back on the battlefield. I was standing in front of a tree from my past, looking up a teenage self with my ar,s covered in fresh cuts, hung. This was one of my past attempts, although I failed due to my lack of observation and choosing a branch that did not support my weight. I projected myself up to the other me, looking into the glossy eyes. I simply said “It was hard back then, the pain was a great burden. We were wronged and were lost in how to move on. Our parents were of no help, as isolation, pills and beatings do not hold down a rebellious spirit. But we survived and are building more than we once thought possible. Rest in peace, let it go”. I cut him down and gently carried him, seeing the body turn to ash in my arms, blowing away in the wind. I heard in the wind “Live, do not just survive”

I think i know the direction this working with Lilith is heading. I will be binding her sigil to my ring later today.

[Dralukmun]

Binding Ritual

After cleaning and cleansing my ritual area, I began a series of rituals with the binding I was instructed to perform. I drew lilith’s sigil and activated it with my breath until I saw it flashed. I placed it before my cauldron with a lit charcoal disk and lit three candles I placed as the triangle of manifestation, declaring each flame as a gate for her to come. I put some frankincense and a tear of copal I found that was as clear as glass onto the disk, filling my space with smoke. I started to recite her enn, only to abandon it and switch to her name as it felt more right. I called until I felt the space grow burning hot and could see the smoke accumulate into one place. I could “see” the form of a woman in the smoke and continued by thanking her for coming.

I started by the usual conformation of identity (she confirmed by writing her name in the air) and asking if the binding was something she really wanted, along with asking why. She gave consent and laughed when I asked why by saying it would ensure that I could not run from the shadow working. So, understanding that, I placed the ring on the sigil and dropped blood onto the ring, visualizing the sigil fusing into the ring, declaring that I bind the sigil into the object as a connection between myself and Lilith until the lessons are learned, by the authority of both parties. I felt her hand over mine, fusing the working with power as the binding was completed. I then burned the physical sigil and put on the ring, which brought a powerful sensation of fire running through my body as if it was in my blood itself.

I thanked her and put some blood on the burning coals as an offering before politely dismissing her before moving on with the other workings I needed to get done.

[Dralukmun]

Mediation/Vamping

So, first night with the ring, I was pretty much in a rush. Work was the usual but I had a string in my step so I was not bogged down by the usual negativity. In fact, it was if I was feeding off of it (should’ve been my first clue). But as the night waned and dawn emerged…I kinda started to sink into doubt. I reflected on what I understood from the mythology of Lilith and started to question why she would be so eager to help, let alone go with a binding. But I’ve worked with spirits long enough to know better than to allow things to fester, so I meditated and called to her. I told her what was on my mind.

She was clearly annoyed but seemed patient for the most part. Apparently it has a lot to deal with how I have treated everyone I meet equally, whether we are talking gender, culture or race in humans, species in other living things, or spirits in general. She saw how I strive not to pull the same power cards in social relationships that others in my family has and seen the struggle to remain my own sovereign being in this world full of sometimes straight out blind obedience. It was comforting to have a somewhat straight answer (she did not get into what she gets out of it) and she then proceeded to chew me out for being swallowed in my own self doubt.

I then asked for an off topic question about what kind of magic I can learn from her and I felt pulled out into the area around me, looking at all the living things around me and the streams of life escaping them. Going into instinct, I guided a stream of it into my mouth with my hands and took the energy in from an old tree growing on the side of the road. I allowed the life to make me feel whole before allowing what was not needed to be passed from my lips into a young plant struggling to live. “This is only part of what I can show you. This is what death and decay is from my view that you can understand. I take away life to change it into something else. But we must get you whole so you may reclaim all of you first.”

Then, it was over. Very interesting experience so far.

[Dralukmun]

Quick update

Life has been a bit busy so I have not had the time for more formal rituals or meditations. When I do have time, I am too physically exhausted to hold on focus as much as I like. Despite that, I have not lost track of my workings with Lilith. Everytime i find myself lost in my thoughts to serve as an escape fro, whatever emotion I am feeling, I press on the ring that her sigil is binded to. I focus on the feeling of power radiating off of it and turn my focus onto what is going on internally. I am there with the emotion completely and allow it be acknowledged so it may drift as the moment fades.

I have had some reflections on key elements on the past relating to my emotional connections and sexuality in general. I am coming to terms with some potent inner troubles that have associates sex with suicide attempts (ex used that method as a means to control me back when I was not wiser, especially if I was not in the mood for sex. Needless to say, it left a bitter taste in my mouth regarding sexuality that I am dealing with). Honestly, while there is more work to be done, i am feeling more present and whole. Yes, it is a raw experience, but I feel lighter from it all. I am going to be giving Lilith another blood offering on the ring as well as a glass of one of my favorite wines that holds a very deep nostalgic memory, as I played in the same vineyards as a child and it was given to me by my father upon graduating.

Another note, I have decided that I want to climb the Qliphoth before continuing the gate keepers. Honestly, it makes more sense as I have having multiple dreams of the image of the Qliphoth tree being tattooed on my arm before I even started working with Belial. I will be evoking both Belial and Lilith to discuss the matter, as I have interacted with both. I will also have to figure out where to start but that first mentioned ritual will be of more importance.

[Dralukmun]

Lilith has been a big help guiding me to share my more emotional side to others. I no longer feel the heaviness of the past in my day to day life and I can finally enjoy moments when I can reflect on it calmly. There is much to learn from her and I can see her putting me quite to the test when my work with the Qliphoth begins in a month.

Belial has once again been popping in my mind. He will be the starting point in the journey as he opens the gates of Da’at. Not sure if this is exactly the best place to begin but it seems right so I am going with the maddness. It helps that I have a personal relationship with him.

As the preparations begin, I start to reflect on things he taught me and the vision I asked for the origins of my soul. Please keep in mind that this very well can be UPG or my own maddness but it is the closest to an answer I got.

During my ninety day working with him, he mentioned various times that he has been with me since the beginning, long before my birth. So, as a way to see how and just to frankly see if I could get a vision, I called upon Belial, Amaymon, Azazel and Abbadon. With the four spirits present to add power to the ritual, I asked Belial to show me the origins of my soul. Not a past life, as that bears little interest, but the very source. I allowed him into my body, my mind and allowed my sight to be his as he took me to a place I was familiar with.

This place is what I call (mind you this is my label, not his) the Prima Materia. I experienced it when I worked with Anubis for the first time. It is a world of darkness, but full of shifting beings of things that have yet to be. It is violent, as each tear and slash at each other to break out of it, to become a being. Amongst the shadows, a being fought long and hard to break out, clawing at the others as it ripped away from the mass of shadows and up the stone cliff at its borders. Fighting for being, it climbed, fending off other shadows trying to tear it down. Higher and higher it climbed until it reached a ledge. As it climbed to the edge, a man cloaked in a dark cloak (the form Belial takes for me when I evoke him) stretched out his hand to the creature. “Welcome into being. Continue the climb to ensure you never cease to be” is all the man spoke to the creature as it dissolved into a mist, traveling away on its journey to become flesh. Belial released me from the vision, leaving me drained and laughing as he and the other gatekeepers dissolved out of the space. That was the end.

How much of this relates to my future workings, I frankly don’t know. But climbing up the Qliphoth seems to be the right way to begin to find the answers.

[Dralukmun]

Incense Offering for Belial

1 part Sandalwood
1/2 part Cinnamon
1/2 part Frankincense
1/4 part Copal
2 drops of a floral essential oil, such as rose or Lavender
1 drop of blood or 3 drops of red wine

Mix ingredients together and store in a jar for a day to a week to allow the scents to mingle together before offering. Burn as loose incense

[Dralukmun]

I have definitely neglected this journal of mine, so I will make a quick entry in regards to a plan for two workings that I will be performing tomorrow.

The first will be beginning to climb the Qliphoth through the first sphere Lilith. For this, I will be evoking both Azazel (who seems to have stepped forward while Belial watches as my guide) and Naamah, who rules the sphere. I will be calling them forth, asking questions about what Naamah can bring in the month working and what the two wants us (as my wife is joining me in this pathworking) to learn as the door begins to open. I will be using the symbol for the Earth, some candles, and a frankincense that is infused with domasican rose oil as a gift as well as a means of manifestation.

The second working will be evoking both Lucifuge and Mammon to discuss what they bring to the table for a generational pact we wish to make as well as suitable payment before a draft is written.

[Dralukmun]

Ritual was delayed due some personal things. It gives me a chance to be better prepared. So, it is what it is. Call it a lack of discipline, call it being human, it happens.

Anyways, it gave me time to reflect why I care about all of this? Why do I work with spirits? Why do I wish to ascend? Why do I care about my “soul” (however you define it) or about this world in general? Why?

This may sound negative and it would be easy to agree, as no one likes to feel raw, to question their own work. But it is an important part of my preparations, where I go into myself and really get into the meat of my shadows. Put them all in that corner of my mind and shine a light on those answers, where they cannot hide behind destructive or just plain mindless habits. I am flawed, I am a mere grain of sand in the desert, I am nothing. Yet nothing is where everything emerges.

So, the answer to the questions I had asked myself is simple. “I am tired of mediocrity. I am tired of holding back. Time to put the chips on the table, and give into the maddness in order to see what comes out of the end of the tunnel.”

[Dralukmun]

I have had a couple really emotionally draining days due to stress at work. Nothing is ever enough and spend every morning getting screamed to do a thousand different things to “improve” numbers on top of the usual responsibilities. Rushing to try to get everything done lead to a minor injury at work. On top of the injury, losing my wedding ring, and constantly getting rimmed, I had enough. I stuck it to one of the big wigs that I would not perform anymore overtime to watch another shift’s performance when they have trouble paying for the overtime I already work. Ended up walking out of the meeting fairly quickly.

I have made the mistake of carrying that home with me, and my utter toxicity in my speech was a sign that there was a working to do. Pulling out my mala after doing some deep meditation on the roots of the issue, I chanted Abbadon’s enn 108 times. I gave him all my psychological attachments to that company, all the lies of the working man’s life, everything associated with what my father depicted a man’s life solely to be. I gave the illusions up so that I may be mentally free to pursuit a path of income of my own choice. Yes, it is going to be a lot of work and there will be times where i will have to play nice or be overwhelmed. But i am tired of making cream for another and only getting crumbs of the cake. And I am certainly not going to go down that dark road again so I can feed those fat cats more of that cream. We will see what Abbadom brings while I continue my own personal work.

To add a bit of humor to this post, this song is one I have been singing in brief calm moments at work