A simple question, asked by a former and now current coworker, yesterday.
“Of course I remember you, it wasn’t that long ago.”
About five to six years. Of course I remember you. You and your cruel little cheerleader group have been the very reason I’ve started this journey in the first place. Because I couldn’t take how you treated other people and how some of them got laid off because you kinna felt like it. I remember you; I have buried your name at the border of that field, back then. It has probably dissolved into the earth, like your entire group dissolved in a matter of a few weeks to months. Of course I remember you, when newer employees had their nervous breakdowns in the safety of my office because you couldn’t stop spreading your venom. Out of boredom or habit or what really ever. Of course I remember you; if it wasn’t for your stupid ass I wouldn’t have started out with Leraje and everything good and lasting that followed from that bond. If it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t have sought out this community and ironically if that didn’t happen I would have never crossed paths with one fine specimen of a human being (if you’re ever going to come across this: I’ve never said that).
I remember you, you disgusting example of one really weird butterfly effect. Please use emails, from now on. Your voice still makes me sick.
I’ve talked to my friend about this in detail on new years eve, about my approach and how things should unfold in the most realistic way. I am also working with a deadline here. My biggest struggle with this was the indifference towards this topic from sides that could and should do something about it by mundane means. Another big factor I was supposed to mend into the desired direction, what a drag.
This indifference is now broken, even if it had to be destroyed with a bit of shock value.
Now I can manage my ways deeper into the root of the problem, with mundane tools and energies working in my favour. Thank you Leraje.
And thank you again. Now the entire thing has blewn up so much that it needs to be looked at, dealt with and put through the course of consequences.
The vibe with people has become weird lately, where I live. Its like they are probing and poking, to look how I am personally aligned with these things. I don’t discuss my personal alignments with strangers. Because 1.) its bad taste and 2.) I would probably come to borderline insulting them and their lack of judgment, objectivity and research effort. Not a satisfactory outcome for anyone involved.
But. Maybe this is the time of simply talking to people, more than ever.
I was visiting my physical therapist, the other day. And she couldn’t help but ranting about how things currently are, from her point of view. Originally I planned on staying silent but then I noticed something. A black entangled piece of…thread, cord, string?..accompanying her every word, her presence, shoving itself in front of where her head was supposed to be. I tried to get a hold of it, carefully, energetically. So I responded. Carefully. Respectfully. With empathy, providing her easy to digest sources of information, not telling her where she was wrong but how misconceptions can form and how complex certain matters are, trying to offer not just one different perspective but several ones. While I pulled at this black piece of manifested unrest.
After approx three or so minutes her expression changed. Her gaze changed, seemingly more attentive. As if something fell down from her eyes. “I haven’t thought about this…” And the black entangled thread was gone. I think that there are so many of these strange attachments on the people around me, as of lately. It clouds their ability to make informed decisions and to express their dissatisfaction in other ways than asking me if I would approve of violence against XY. Where do these things come from, do I wanna know, why are these things so painfully physical, should I do something, can I do something, is it even for me to involve myself further than I already did?
Maybe I will choose to talk if I am asked. In the same manner like I did. With the same careful energetic removal of their entanglements.
Having to fight a man that doesn’t want me to uncover a crime against a group of people that I have witnessed.
I am being “captured” and brought in front of him. They took my gun from me. I don’t care.
When this man comes close enough I take a large bite from his neck. Flesh and muscles and sinews and the taste of liquid iron are mixing with cries of agony.
I take a few more bites until the noises and the movement stops. Bone fragments. Forest ground splattered with whats left of him and his threats.
My utmost thanks go -as always- to Leraje. The petition isn’t even a month old and it has already broken this indifference literally a thousandfold. Seeing this and being a physical part of this reminded me about how it is not necessary to despair over masses and amounts of something when there is at least one single way left to influence its direction. You are allowed to be angry and to be frustrated but you are never allowed to be helpless and to remain passive about it.
Side quests: my astral place has gotten a surprising overhaul ( ), I have banished a migraine quite literally, the flu that I’ve contracted went away over night after I cannibalized a man-sized man in my dream, not a single symptom or sign has been left in my body. I will probably take both the banishing and dreamwork cannibalizing approaches to further tests in that regard.
Going away from my usual route of “tried and tested”, inviting some experimental approaches while helping someone out with contract matters.
I decided to call onto someone that specializes on agreements between people; the name of this deity is Arom, an old minor god from what is todays Nuristan province. I decided to fit the (still very much alive, despite its religious setting) regions tradition of wine production with offerings of red wine and dark and light grapes. I had no spare goat to sacrifice, so I sacrificed something that I am taking good care of since the beginning of this year: a four-leaf clover that comes directly from a planted little batch that hasn’t died on me yet. I’ve planned to use them for something entirely different (and selfish!) but as the nature of sacrifice goes I part from it with a heavy heart after I preserved and nurtured it
This deity doesn’t come to me in any sort of living form, I can only see a statue made out of yellow or brown jasper, placed in front of a withered cave wall. I talk to this statue, letting my hand slide over the texture that has been engraved into the gods clothing items. The candle does something that I have never seen before: its flame looks as if there is a hole right inside of it. Could be the wick, but I am using these candles for quite some time now and I have never experienced this.
Right before I got into the meditation, my forehead area felt as if it was directly warped into a different dimension. A pleasant tingle remains.
As I turn my inner eye away from the scenery to slowly come back I can hear a faint “Will you come back?” from behind me.
Edit: a little lenormand sneak peek later. “Child” and “Letter”. Eyyyyyyy. (also the candle flame went really bright and tall when I typed this out)
Things I have learned over the last couple of years: why its important to build in a dead mans switch into curseworkings, in case you change your mind or new developments come into play that might not be beneficial for the overall course of how you want things to be. Just took me a dozen or so instances where I had to catch my own energetical bullets until I learned to be a) much more in control of my emotions and thoughts before its seek&destroy and b) more careful about theoretical redirection or cancellation scenarios. Until then my own energetical train ran over me a couple of times, leaving me with physical ailments and symptoms for days.
Things I have NOT learned until yesterday: that blessings and constructive workings can feel like knives in the heart too when you try to undo them. Note to myself: energy is energy and doesn’t discern in between its purpose (destruction/construction) when you suddenly take away the original outlet for it.
Learning points: grounding such chunks of energy through the root chakra wasn’t successful. This energy might want to travel all the way up. I was able to stall it somewhere below the heart but it wrecked havoc to my lower chakras and I had to take a step back from my daily life because it impacted me physically. This is an excellent learning experience, so the former workings weren’t wasted at all
I am currently working on my forestry management diploma so I can tackle the next best position in my company and bring some more bags home. I haven’t told anyone but my friend about it for now, so I don’t get free days for learning or taking assessments; I have to manage it somehow on the side. I will continue to work on my energy body during this, I might get a bit of a little boost out of it and won’t miss sleep too much
I was a little frustrated today, I accidentally knocked over an altar item for a spirit. The item in question was an unfertilized bluetit egg that I placed there last summer; it hit the ground and cracked open. To my surprise the content was still vibrant and with the same texture you would expect from a fresh egg. No weird smell, either. While cleaning everything up the spirit said to me “But Pariah, a bird doesn’t live in the confines of its shell either”. I pulled a Lenormand card. The stork, depicted with its wings spread out, flying wherever it needs to. Going into a spirit board session with the altar dweller I got “Wasii” and now it brings me back to…
The boundless, the borderless. I suppose I can work with this symbol.
I might have encountered what I call “the obliterator” again, last night. This would be my third encounter throughout my entire life, so far.
There seems to be something that actively strives for literally dissolving me, once in a while. And the bad thing is that it doesn’t feel bad. It feels good, it feels easy. Alluring. This force, energy, whatever, makes it look like the most appealing thing to simply cease to exist. Not just physically, but also mentally. I could feel how it wanted to wipe out my memory, because forgetting felt so easy.
I can’t quite explain, it was as if this energy peels off the layers of the physical world around me, shredding it into particles until it reaches my flesh and bones and my mind and my innermost center. I could feel how I started to forget. Every memory. In the back of my mind Leraje warned me that I would not see another day if I would give into this. More things started to slip out of my mind while I processed his warnings. I started to cling onto one memory from this 3D world, to anchor me back into place, into the world of the living and the conscious mind. The name of my friend. I frantically repeated their name against the blank that took over my mind. I repeated it so vigorously that I fought myself not only back into consciousness but through two additional dream layers before I finally woke up at around 4 in the morning.
I am not quite sure why it was my friends name from out of all memories about my real life surroundings. But repeating it over and over transformed this weird nothingness back into tangible and more vital surroundings. I will try to use more core memories as an immediate anchor to this world if I will encounter this force ever again. Thank you Leraje, for your warning that came through last minute.
short note to myself while working with Buer. His suggestions: influencing current Eukaryotes in my gut from his side while I will increase my intake of Avenanthramide (he suggested that this might tackle the colon damage from ignored food allergies in my childhood). Microbes + oats =
Lenormand sneak peek: Book, Rider, Snake.
I asked for one card to confirm the field we are currently tackling; the Snake describes “Intestines” as physical point in reading traditions. Book and Rider, research and news. Hectic, bruv. Thank you, Buer!
I actually had to “reset” my sacral energy (bye bye, energetic collecting and storing progress! It was nice to meet you) down to its most essential functions for now, as its integrity was already so fucked up that there was no use in filling it simply up Which makes me somewhat proud about the “boom” behind the original working, but I feel that this idiotic move could have led to much worse scenarios. Life is a learning curve, innit. (instant physical effect: headaches be gone,stabby stabs in my lower stomach. You win some, you lose some)
I’ll have to repeat the procedure with the root chakra soon, as well.
Over ten months of being sober, who would have thought. Although I don’t really know if its out of conviction or out of stubbornness, at times. No matter what the case is: I don’t feel the urge to drink, anymore. I am okay around people who do. I must confess that I thought that things will get “easier”, somehow. That a new sort of clarity and goodness and wellbeing takes over my life, once I’ve discarded my last active trauma response technique. Instead everything is just less blurry and the ugly things became more pronounced, leaving me with awareness about things I didn’t exactly looked for (but found them anyway).
Thank you Leraje, for encouraging me to tackle this shit. Who knows, maybe some sort of magical epiphany happens around the fabled one year mark
Almost laughed myself to death, two days ago. Because out of all the edgy shit I could have had requested from a spirit in my earlier days I didn’t choose a lottery win but something even less likely. As a “proof” of their instant power over material and limitations. It manifested, quite literally.And I will never be able to talk about it because having a physical proof either leads to utter disbelief or utter fear. I can do without either of these options. Learning point:
I SHOULD have requested a lottery jackpot win!
I was really sloppy with my wording some years back and being specific does make a difference in the outcome.
Almost a year of sobriety now, thank you Leraje. I promise I will stop counting after the year is finished.
Also thank you for the physical manifestation of a symbol that meant the world to me, the other day. I know that I tend to get stuck inside my own head sometimes, so I appreciate that you pulled me right back into the present place with this. I will use it whenever I feel like I might slip into this useless mental state again. Just looking at it makes me feel instantly better, though
The last two days Leraje and I worked on out of body meditations and it worked for longer than the previous times. I started a timer and we landed in the field of 40 minutes of almost uninterrupted out-of-body exercises. The second exercise was interrupted by the doorbell ringing at the 42 minute mark I was even able to see my disheveled reflection in the bathroom mirror, something that didn’t quite happen all the other times. It still feels like waking up from a coma every time, movement wise. My limbs hurt so much with every movement, but I am getting close towards not being distracted by it anymore. My eyes seem to have become better, too. I remember episodes, where everything was only a visual haze and keeping my eyes open for long would make me tear up.
What else? Forestry management midterms: done and done. Not bad for crying over mensuration homework a day prior
Also a lot of change thats going to come my way. Uncomfortable change because it will force me out of every kind of bubble I’ve had created for myself over the years. But its time, I guess.
The war dreams came back with a vengeance too. I guess thats how things are going to be for a bit again.
Essentially I was busy last night with escaping from drone attacks with a group of people and my friend.
I disliked seeing my friend in that scenario because until recently I had no problems with random people biting the dust in my dreams. But this time someone I cared for was directly involved into such a dream and of course I couldn’t leave them just behind;they had a broken ankle and had to be carried by another group member while I was busy with searching for safe passages. We made it into a forest; at some point several drones caught up with us and I really thought that this was it. I looked into my friends face and prepared to wake up with a heavy heart; by some miracle the large canopy of the forest protected us from the worst of the explosions and we made it somehow safely to the place where my friends family lives.
The dream continued here with the war catching up with us, with houses being set alight and people screaming in agony and fear, calling out to their god(s). We managed just in time to escape from that place. At some point we were taken in by a military facility. My friend was still injured, so I made a deal to work as a field nurse (with combat elements) in exchange for the safety of my friend and their family in the meantime. This dream continued for much longer than I would have liked it and when I woke up I immediately started my workout instead of sleeping in as planned.
I had to call Arom back from his original working, as the target requested a halt of any sort of workings for their sake. I promised this deity that I would come back at some point and when I encountered some little bumps with the local tax office I found it to be a really good testing field for Aroms dominion
I requested an emphasis on my financial probity; I haven’t done anything wrong while the tax authority insisted on some fantasy dues being paid. The main problem was that everything was an automated process from a central authority that wasn’t interested in checking the facts and verifications and listening to my reasoning. I needed something to remind this authority about their part of just and lawful paperwork, I was already preparing the worst case of filing a lawsuit
Today I managed for the first time in several weeks to get someone actually talking to me instead of asking me to adhere to the protocol of objection and refusal and objecting the refusal and so on. This person was instantly recognizing the fault in their system and took care of that matter in less than ten minutes. I attribute this success to Arom, as I was talking to walls before reaching out to him.
I think in this case it is important that the seeker is “clean” themselves. I don’t have the impression that this would have worked when I would have skeletons in the closet in that matter and would have requested a decision in my favour despite having a part in fucking the situation up.
I fucked up my fists (especially the right one) quite good because the trainer doesn’t see a problem with bare knuckle training for beginners I can’t even hold a pen properly today. Although the course was marked as a beginner level course it mainly consists of military Krav dudes taking the course for the fourth time in a row because they unironically enjoy to throw each other around. So I kind of landed myself at the kiddie table for the next couple of months.
After a short fit of doubt I decided to pull through with the course although its way of teaching things looks questionable to me at best and its participants are way more ahead of me (so no mutual learning curve); I will dedicate every drop of blood and sweat to Leraje during this time. This is literally the fighting ground that I can use as mutual pact fulfillment, channelling the physical energies of struggle and frustration and breaking through ones own physical limits.
But
I will do it with pink fighting gloves from now on
After the hot foot powder did its job partially with drawing the landlords attention towards the neighbours doings I let the whole thing rest for a bit.
That wasn’t a good idea, as the parties came to new life some weeks back already. Every attempt to resolve the situation in a civilized and well meaning manner was met with louder music, every day of the week to every possible time of the day.
My patience has run thin and my hand is more or less forced on this one.
I will try the hot foot powder again starting today, my last resort to a peaceful solution. If the landlord doesn’t feel compelled to remove this dude I will feed him to Camaxtli this time
And the moral of this story: don’t even try to be kind or understanding or “zen”. Obliterate every attempt of trying you the moment it arises
), I have banished a migraine quite literally, the flu that I’ve contracted went away over night after I cannibalized a man-sized man in my dream, not a single symptom or sign has been left in my body. I will probably take both the banishing and dreamwork cannibalizing approaches to further tests in that regard.
I was even able to see my disheveled reflection in the bathroom mirror, something that didn’t quite happen all the other times. It still feels like waking up from a coma every time, movement wise. My limbs hurt so much with every movement, but I am getting close towards not being distracted by it anymore. My eyes seem to have become better, too. I remember episodes, where everything was only a visual haze and keeping my eyes open for long would make me tear up.
