Okay, so things were smooth for the course of the night due to the weather. Sometimes being snowed in is not a bad thing and when I woke up after four hours of sleep, I actually felt refreshed, something I have not experienced in awhile. Shortly afterwards, things began to tilt sideways with a series of small obstacles that cascaded into eachother, beginning with a crack in my French press to miscommunication with my bank to the sink piping coming undone to a few of my cats managing to lock themselves in the bathroom (they managed to knock a cabinet door that swings down and blocked the bathroom door that swings in). Nothing serious, but that string of bad luck that can wear on the spirit.
While I did express my frustration, it was not really full hearted nor was my mind in a negative place. When I went through similiar situations a few years ago, I would be far from that state. Comes to show how much I have grown. Not necessarily sure if that reminder is part of the effects of this part or not. I will need to work with it more to draw a better conclusion.
No ritual tonight as it is the sabbath but I will be carrying the symbol I last created due to the fact that we are still going through the snow storm and a little additional protection would not help, especially during the commune.
Okay, so my bad luck has lengthened since my last entity. I had to go toe to toe with my boss over something I found to be unethical and had a shake down in HR, so that is a source of stress. My car also just blew its engine, however I am not associating it with this working after some thought, as the car was not in the best shape to begin with. It was really a matter of time. I will say that the build up of stress during a big working often puts you in a state where you wonder if you should continue. This entry should tell what my decision was.
So, I repeated the same ritual as day one. I began with the Kabbalahist prayer and wrote the Hebrew on my left arm. I began to chant the part slowly, allowing the energy to build. It was different this time, as opposed to a âliftâ it pressed down. The pressure build and continued, eventually becoming too much to chant using my voice so I switched to my thoughts. At the critical point, I felt and heard a âtearâ and felt something extracted from my body. It was not painful, in fact it was relieving having it removed. I felt at peace afterwards and the headache I had prior to ritual lifted.
Angelarium cards: Netzah (Sepirot of Endurance), Leliel (Angel of Night and of conception. She also serves as a guardian angel, and was said to be Abrahamâs in Jewish legend. She is the only Angel to be considered strictly female in Jewish lore as well), and Eistibus (the Angel/Genius of Divination). I will need to sit back to think what this one will mean, but I have a gut feeling that everything will be fine in the end. Just got to finish this.
So I slept for about twelve hours today, waking up several times inbetween dreams. During that time, I had dreams playing back some of my biggest mistakes in life. These are not things forgetting milk while at the grocery store mistakes, but ones that have cascaded into truly effecting my life to this day, such as allowing my mind to get so bad that I was not able to finish school in college (along with bad money management in the first place). That was one of many memories I relived. Usually, when these pop up, I acknowledge the fact they happen and try to let them go. But there is one thing I never brought myself to do: forgive myself for those mistakes. So, in the haze of the inbetween being asleep and awake, I forgave myself for each memory that arose. Each time felt like a chain was snapping and falling off. After the last dream, I fell back asleep for awhile and woke up feeling lighter than I have in years.
When it comes to myself, and frankly most people, I am not the forgiving type. I will acknowledge mistakes, learn the lessons from them, and carry on, mainly for the eliminating the distraction and getting back to whatever task needs to be performed. I am sure this makes me sound like a bit of an ass hole but it is rare for many people to have the emotional impact that would cause an emotional impact required for forgiveness when a mistake occurs. This tends to involve keeping a close eye on them after the mistake to ensure a back up plan if the mistake is repeated. For those who I do cause an emotional impact and I deem not valuable or even harmful to my own or my goals, I get quite ruthless in their disposal, although this has soften as time has marched on. I still have a bite but am not as eager to jump on that route as I was in the past.
There have only been a small select people I have truly forgave and all but two remain in my close knit circle to this day. I was never one of them, as I did not know how to and tend to remain on the more stotic aspect. For some reason, I expected it to be different than forgiving those people who i not only care about but have proven to be invaluable and transcended for beyond my usual approach to people. It really was not, but my pride was getting in the way. I had to shatter that to get to roots of the problems.
So far, purging and destruction of habits seems to be a theme for this part. Illumination seems to be another, as most of the bad luck I have been experiencing has a theme of exposing things that seem comfortable but need to be altered/worked on. I think the best planet for this part of the name would be the Sun, as it not only reveals what is hidden but can burn during the process.
Same ritual as the previous days. Simply gazing at the Kabbalahist/Gensis Prayer is enough to slip into trance at this point, which only deepens as I recite it and gaze at the Hebrew. The energy is subtle again but it does radiate outwards from the Hebrew, surrounding my being. I believe I am getting used to it at this point.
As for Angelarium, the cards I pulled where Gevurah (Sepirot of Judgement/Disclipine, sitting in the pillar of severity), Zadkiel (Archangel of Mercy), and Azrael (Archangel of Death). Seems to be aligning with my observations with my last entry and seems like it will be a theme for awhile. Makes me wonder if Judgement/Discipline is always required to be harsh or if that ultimatum I made in the past needs to come to an end.
Oh, wow, my friend. This is a synchronicity for me. Just yesterday I was contemplating how to forgive myself for the mistakes Iâve made, and the guilt I carry for them. How timely to read this entry. Thank you.
So true. We are often harder on ourselves than others. The wise men say forgiveness is always for the one doing the forgiving, never for the one being forgiven, but how many of us on the LHP really grasp the enormity of that? Especially when it comes to forgiving ourselves. It is neither soft nor weak but requires enormous strength. Choose to act to avenge a wrong, or donât act, but do not carry things around as chains to bind yourself. A lesson I too must take to heart.
Couldnât agree with you more. I used to believe that acknowledging the issue and letting it âflowâ down the rivers of my mind was enough. But that is like throwing a line with a float off a boat with it still tied to the deck. You are always going to see that mistake and it will keep floating along with you on your journey, probably getting knoted up with other obstacles in your way, allowing you to get stuck again. There is something to the words " I forgive". It is like taking a knife and finally cutting that line, allowing it to really part ways with you. And it is not easy bringing that knife to the line, as the mistakes and feelings associated with it become comfortable.
We do like our baggage, donât we? It gets to the point where we canât even recognise ourselves without it. Even a straitjacket can feel like home if worn often enough.
My biggest problem is, knowing this, but not applying it to myself. Itâs scary to let go of the hurt that sustains you.
Yeah, if you associated pain (and arguably anger, as that is a reaction to pain) with fuel for your drive, you have to find a new source to keep you going when you forgive and let that situation go. That is the ultimate flaw with that kind of association, as you have to keep yourself in constant pain to move through life. It may be useful for short term, but it is not a sustainable source of power.
Exactly. Itâs similar to people who live with a long term illness. When the illness is finally taken away, they donât know what to do anymore because their entire life was built around being sick. It dictated what they could do, where they could go, the need for family to help out, etc. Now, itâs gone, and theyâre left with just themselves.
Right, and the next source should be picked critically to avoid falling into the same trap. Perhaps mine will be to befriend the man staring back in the mirror, as he is the only one who will be with me clear to the end. And as the poem goes, the real judgment and most dangerous test I must pass.
Actually, that was a pretty good night overall. Things did not completely go as planned but turned out pretty well in the end. My streak of bad luck seems to have ended with the exception of randomly getting wet (as wearing wet clothes is my one pet peeve). But all things considered, not too bad. And I am continuing to feel light.
Tonight, I will be creating a symbol for all seven parts of the name to use at once. These next few days will be my experiments before the final ritual to bring this to a close. I do plan on some extra content for this journal in the ways of comparisons and testing out symbols for different combinations of the the 42 letter name, but this working is coming to a close here soon.
I also got one of the last ingredients for the final ritual. Without actually giving away what I am using, here are the two hints on what it is. The first is that it is a substance created when the earth and heavens meet. The second is that it is not green, so that should eliminate the moldavite guesses lol. I couldnât afford it for the size I wanted.
For this ritual, I created a symbol. I started by drawing a heptagon (not easy to do without a ruler or compass. I had to use my fingers to do the best I could while being semi neat). I then wrote the hebrew of all parts of the name around it. The first, third, fifth and seventh parts are on the right and the second, fourth and sixth are on the left. Within the heptagon, I drew a heptagram. Not only do the points represent the seven parts of the name but the seven classical planets as well, seeing as each felt like they had planetarh influences behind them.
I recited the Kabbalahist prayer and activated each part by chanting the part seven times, pushing my individual intention into each. As I did, I visualized each part glowing and I drew from each to âfillâ the sides of the heptagon and then the heptagram. I finalized my intention and released.
Well, that went very well. All aspects manifested, especially at the point where I was expecting it to be impossible due to the circumstances. There was one rough patch that was quickly resolved, but overall it was as smooth as it could be. I kinda feel like I did not work at all if I am completely honest. It was a VERY balanced working.
That being said, there seems to be something missing with the symbol itself, so I am going to further tweak it a bit. I have three two more nights of testing left so I will do half of the changes that were popping into my mind tonight and the other half the following night to record.
For this ritual, I went back through the journal and made a list of all the parts and the planetary influences I believed they had. I came up with the following list:
First: Saturn
Second: Jupiter
Third: Mars
Fourth: Mercury
Fifth: Moon
Sixth: Venus
Seventh: Sun
Taking that list, I added planetary symbols from western astrology into the heptagon next to the corresponding part of the name. I also added an infinity sign in the center to represent the Ein Sof (âThe Endlessâ). I then went through with the Kabbalahist prayer and activated each part as usual.
It was a little difficult to produce the energy at first due to a headache but I was able to manage. It actually was relieved quite a bit by the time I finished. So, letâs see how this goes.
Success, and extremely precise. All aspects of the intention were met to a T, although it was a bit of chaos i had to jump through today. Not enough for critical failure but enough to buffer excess. So, if you are hoping to go a bit more than your goal, it would be best not to include the changes I made. It was like a magnificying glass concentrating sunlight onto a single point as opposed to a greater field. Definitely useful in some situations while not in others.
Tonight, i will be further adjusting the symbol with the help of angels. While it would be easier to just use the four angels used in rituals such as LBRP, i decided to only use two of them, as they were present in certain times of this pathworking. Another angel will be one i already have worked with in the past and the last is one that has appeared often through the Angelarium deck that I have had a pull for in a while (yes, @DarkestKnight, it will be Sandalphon at last lol). It will be interesting to see how things go.
For this go around, I added the names Azrael, Michael, Raphael and Sandalphon in hebrew going around the symbol in that order. I began with the the Kabbalahist Prayer and began to call each angel up by singing their name. I gave them each a task. Azraelâs was to clear the space of what is not useful for my manifestation to come forth. Michael was to guard and strengthen the manifestation among the ashes of the past. Raphael was to nourish the manifestation. Finally, Sandalphon was to bring the manifestation life fully.
As i called each, I could feel a sensation of standing at a point where mutliple sources if wind were meeting and wrap around me. A mental thought of a wildfire raging the land emerged. The ashes fell onto a seedling and charcoal directed the flames away. Rain came and nourished the plant. Time passed and the seedling grew into a strong oak tree.
I then carried on the ritual as I performed it yesterday, stating my intention into each part before finalizing and releasing. Tonight should be interesting.
Well, that failed on one aspect. There were too many variables working against us to produce my goal, although we did achieve more than i expected. Most of which were set against us from the start, and the one that did not I was able to identify as a problem. However, how I communicated was not efficient enough. Not sure if that would have changed if I had requested the add of Gabriel, but I did not want to go that route as I do not have a pull towards him as of now. This could have been a case where the mundane just did not produce the opportunity for the desired manifestation to come forth. I will have to further experiment to see if determine why it technically failed.
