Shape Shifting: To fit and blend in with everyone and the environment; to hide one’s true nature; to please people and seek approval
Enhanced Senses: Fear of ignorance, flaws, and mistakes, OCD
Enhanced physical Condition: Perfectionism, OCD
Vampirism: Dependence on others
Hypnosis, Telepathy, Telekinesis: To seek control; lack of trust
Elemental: God complex
Immortality: fear of death, change, and the unknown
This is an updated version of my last Shadow Work Journal
The Strigoi is somewhat my own personal Batman. It is my emotions, my fears, my insecurities, and my desires. It is all the things about myself that I keep hidden under a mask of a “functioning member of society”.
I did a meditation to visualize my past self. What came into my mind were 3 symbols: The Samurai, The “Geisha” like woman, and The Strigoi. I began to noticed when I tried to focus and concentrate, my mind would be flooded with endless chatter and thoughts which made it difficult to see and hear clearly without intrusive thoughts. In my mind I saw a samurai warrior meditating or samurai armor but I would also notice the geisha woman trying to tell me I was really a geisha but I couldn’t help but disagree because I could not find any evidence to support this. My suspicion was then confirmed when I noticed in my mind the woman would form into an ugly monster and eventually I would see the strigoi implying that my shadow was intruding on my meditation. When I began to calm my mind and ask to see my past self the armor of the samurai is what pops up smoothly. I believe that my shadow was trying to get me to agree I was not a samurai was because I had a habit of always assuming the worst out of life and not hope for the possibilities so I just decided to play the victim follower mentality to survive and get ahead in life(or so I thought). Instead of feeling enlightened and amazed, I felt dread because I could not see how that would be possible but I felt like I could not say no because that would mean I am in denial and being ignorant. So I tested it and see how I felt about it but I felt more close it the samurai than the geisha woman. The Strigoi(my shadow) took this form to not only seek approval and blend in with the environment but to hide its true nature for fear of being hunted and similar to how I was afraid of being myself because I was afraid of being judged and seen as not worthy or nothing special. But no matter how many times the intrusive thoughts tried to put me down and tell me something that felt wrong, the image of the samurai armor brought me more peace because it made more sense to me. I used to be afraid of spiritualism and past life regression because I as I said before always assumed the worst and would tell myself I had to accept whatever was given to me as the truth similar to religion and if I question it or refuse then I am ignorant and foolish. But I don’t believe that now.
As a kid I grew to hate humanity. Sometimes I hated for the sake of it. I hated everyone and myself. I hated people for telling me what I should be and lying to me. I hated the words Love and Romance because there was none with my mother and seeing men appear in a boy’s life only for them to be gone seems to take toll. I told myself I was going to do everything a man should do like exercise, quit porn, eat healthy, but never did. I will admit, I have made some feats such as getting myself a job and finally opening up to people. And even though I should pay attention to the positive(at least that is what I’ve told) it feels like I am walking in pure darkness with no light, no peace, no “positive energy”. All I see and hear is hate, fear, anger, hunger, I feel like I become every horrible thing you can call a person. And when I reach that place in darkness, I want to end it all because the pain becomes to much. I wish there was way to wave a magick wand and my problems would go away, but I know I have to continue on working with my problems. But as I continue to work with my problems, the more I learn how the deep my darkness is to the point I can’t find myself and while everyone says I am a good man, all I see is a little boy that turned into a monster and now that said monster is a vampiric parasite that feeds off of negative emotions because it believes hate is much stronger than love.
As I was inside my universal circle trying to learn evocation to call upon spirits I began to ask myself, why am I calling a spirit. People evoke spirits to build a relationship and if I don’t want to build a relationship with people, how can I build a relationship with spirits. The more I questioned the more I felt like I had nothing to gain, nothing to give, and nothing to live for. I guess that is why my shadow is a vampire, because it represents the term “lack there of” and so I take from others.
