I’d have to be awake for that 
I slept from like 10 am till nearly 10pm other than potty breaks.
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It is a promise of new hope dear. 
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If only I knew what all this hope was for…
It’s a joke. Read it like a joke.
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Being alone most of the time over the last two years, has naturally led to a lot of inner work. A lot of confronting how and why I do and think the things I do. This past nine months or so has essentially revolved around shadow work, though it’s rarely actually my intention. I tend to think that things will come up when I need to work through them, when I’m ready to accept that part of myself.
I’ve been bitching a lot lately, mostly about men from my past jobs and life’s, showing up in facebook messages or texts and essentially wanting me to hook up with them. They have this nasty tendency of not being able to take a hint, even when it comes across like a blunt force object, whamming them right between the eyes.
I don’t suppose I should really be surprised however. I know it’s driving my new boyfriend crazy, but you see- technically it’s all my fault.
I should probably explain myself quickly here, before he goes off the deep end, thinking I’ve solicited the attention as I have, but I haven’t at this point in time. See, I was always the kid made fun of in school, I had one boyfriend when I was 13 and didn’t date again until my senior year of high school, and it considering I only did since I managed to land one that didn’t comprehend the word no, on prom night- I probably would not have dated for at least another year or so after graduating.
I’m not sure that’s relevant, but it kinda is. I remember as a small child, looking in the mirror and telling myself, that I was not pretty this lifetime on purpose. I was plain, and flawed because it was my goal in this life, to prove to everyone and myself that beauty came from within and I didn’t need to be beautiful, to be loved. Unfortunately, I let humans cause me to forget that, fairly early into my life.
As an adult, I’ve had this nasty habit of being a player. I’m only ever interested in the chase and quite honestly until two years ago I assumed I was just like my daddy, who had more relationships than I have had during the 19 years of my life he was alive, and I just simply could not love anyone that did not come out of my VaJayJay and enter this life as my child.
I learned pretty quickly, after I escaped the first bad relationship of my adulthood, that I quite simply only enjoyed the chase. It’s almost like a challenge in my life, and once I know I can have a man, I no longer them want and in fact tend to be disgusted by them. It didn’t take very many times regretting fcking someone just for conquest, before I learned to burn my bridges rather than let it go that far.
My next major relationship ended up being 13 years of mostly verbal and mental abuse, with a man who was incapable of being faithful to me. It didn’t take very many of his fck ups, to send me right back on the hunt- only to rarely act upon the conquest once I’d obtained it. There’s been many times I’ve thought that I could have essentially any man I decided I wanted, I only had to decided and then make it so.
The trouble is I never wanted them after I could have them, and fcking them always left me feeling cheap, dirty, like I was being used and like I was using them. With some, I teased them with titty pictures or sexting, but many I never had to do anything more than be myself. I have a perverted and sick twisted sense of humor and I tend to get along with guys better than women, on top of the whole empath thing. It really isn’t very hard for me to get into someone’s mind, and to use their feelings about whatever is going on in life, to convince them that they want me- without ever needing to use words to do so. It’s really very similar to the fact I’ve never had an interview that I wasn’t hired for whatever position was on the table- You see I can get into their minds and quite literally feel what they are looking for, then very quickly find where my life or experience relates, and give them whatever answer it takes to be exactly the person they need for that job.
It’s very manipulative, it does take some skill however and over the years I’ve developed that rather well. I am sure I’m not the best at it, but I’m vain enough to recognize it falls into my skill set, even if I rarely use it today. I don’t need or want people in my life that I need to use it on, and so I tend to actively avoid tapping into it. Rest assured I will use it anytime I need to save my own ass, to help my children etc, but I rarely use it anymore simply because it benefits me to do so.
I know I seem to be rambling again, but the point is… I rarely use now, I have a few times this past 9 months and a few times in Washington, but I’ve cut my bridges before it could become anything, I’ve stopped myself from doing it out of boredom simply for something to do, and I’ve recognized that me being miserable in life- is where I have the biggest tendencies to do it without considering what I am doing.
Lol Yeah. I used this skill set hard and loosely. See, I like to think I’m stronger than most women, and even than most men. I’ve had more traumas, more near death experiences, and just a downright shitty life in comparison to most. A lot of it has been my own choices, 13 years of mental, verbal and emotional abuse and neglect is at least as much my fault as his. I stayed you know, thinking well I’m suffering but he’s a good father, I can’t provide on my own for my kids etc etc. I felt trapped, caged and many worse things. I got to hear all about my bodies imperfections and then you know what? He’d tell me how he was joking, except his actions backed up his words. Being touched once every 3-4 months, always less than a few minutes at a time, not being allowed on his side of the bed, or the couch and all of that. Sure makes ya feel good about yourself ya know?
So abused my skill set, and I abused it hard. The last man I was with, wasn’t with me very long before he told me that he was damned near certain, that I’d never been in the same room with a man who hadn’t wanted me. He was of course wrong, but it didn’t take too many times being out and about shopping, for me to notice how quickly he shifted feel wise, into protecting his woman mode, as he tended to pick up on the attention I got- that I had long since stopped noticing.
I am skilled at making them mine if that’s what I want, but in many cases I don’t even have to. I don’t understand it since I’m not beautiful, I have some nice features but they sure aren’t my face or stretch mark covered tits, and I make a man stop and stare with a sway of my hips, but just when I’m out and about and not putting any effort into it- men and women are still drawn to something about me. Maybe it’s my energy, that’s what someone I know with over 60 years experience in this shit told me once, but I have no idea. I can tap into the mindset and the feels-but I can’t seem to trace back where they originate from.
Now I am rambling. The point was all this recent male attention from old acquaintances, is my fault. These are seeds I’ve sown in the past, leading them on, letting them think they had a chance with me… but oh if only I was single. Now I’m back here locally, in a super small town, but with many other towns around and well. People talk. I’m single, I’m broke and beaten and I’ve been alone a while… Yeah I can see where they for some reason never let go of that seed I planted. Hell, the one I actually spent some time with was clearly a player and I found it highly amusing how stunned he was to realize that he got played. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult for them to get a clue, but then…
Obsession magic is a real thing ya know. We talk about it around here all the time and about how we can affect others with our energy and well. I’m fairly decent with energy, even if I have not fully comprehended that it was even possible until a few years ago. Sitting here pondering it, and about how my old targets keep showing up in my life, for me to once again toss aside, I have to wonder if that’s not exactly why the still have these wants and feelings for me years later, when they never even had me to begin with.
Maybe I need to do a reversal or something, recall all the energy I wasted on random guys that never had a chance…Though I do find it amusing my new boyfriend gets all worked up about it. I kinda like him a lot, and I’m sure he’s tired of hearing about how great things were with my last guy, but as long this one gets to me before the last one shows up- it’s going to be great. In fact he’s an upgrade in a lot of ways, when you count he’ll play my game, and no momma witches and a few other things I don’t really want to get into atm. I’ve seen far enough to know it can be really pretty amazing, I’m actually happy for the first time in like 9 and half months, and…
The encounters we have and things we talk about and stuff that comes up, it’s almost like living the happiest year of my mother fcking life, all over again- but from the start without any past traumas or hurts.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, other than to just let you guys know that I’ve closed another chapter while path working my current past life, and I’m actually pretty happy about it- though I know I’m different from everyone else in how I behave with things like this. I have to take a moment and decided what I feel, and what I think about what I feel, and I’ve been known to downright disappear, to make people think I’ve ghosted them, because I couldn’t handle being around them while I decided.
I’m not going to disappear this time, it wasn’t as difficult to decide what I feel, as it has sometimes been in my current past lives.
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I told you not to talk down about yourself so much. You’re not at fault for dumb people who can’t take a hint or are shitty. You’re a beautiful person and I’m glad to be your boyfriend.
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Damn, I feel this so much it hurts. I only need two fingers to count how many times I’ve been called beautiful in my life, but literally need all my toes and fingers to count how many times ive been called ugly to my face, or otherwise over the years. I spent years not being able to look in the mirror for more than 5 seconds… It’s gotten better now but still its something I seriously need to work on. Was hoping to work with lophiel or Haniel someday on this subject, actually.
Relationships for me never happened until I was 25. Im 30 now and still in the same one, but its not glamorous at all, and honestly if we broke up I dont think I’d ever bother looking for another one. They’re too much of an energy drain and I just never can connect to people for very long. I fall hard and lose interest too quickly, for a healthy one. Im glad you found someone though and I hope things stay positive for you. Good luck.
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Thank you, but sounds like you still aren’t very happy. I hope you get to where you are tho, I know what you mean when you say don’t even think y’all bother looking again.
I can’t tolerate just anyone, and now thst my kids are older and I’m essentially free, I’m pretty sure I’ll never force myself to try to tolerate someone who isn’t a fit for me again.
It’s kinda an awful feeling, knowing you’re happier alone if a fit can’t be found, yet not wanting to be alone… and all the shit you go through starting over and getting to know people and feeling up what’s comfortable to talk about and blah. It’s awful and awkward and most of them never gonna be close, so pointless- be it friends or lovers lmao.
Usually. Once in a while someone just seems to fit like a warm old sweater, on a cold winter night.
At any rate, six months is longer than I made it with most of mine, I had the one real long relationship, but that was entirely because of my kids, so you’ve got one up on me and I do hope you find what you need, when your ready to.
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I wish, there was a map or a quest list or something to base my next actions upon in this life, as I walk my path. It would be so much easier if I had an idea of where I was going and what I need to accomplish to get there. Sometimes I get insights through dreams or otherwise just knowing. It’s kinda like ah hah! moments, where I go from being clueless, to a full blown plan on how to proceed in .02 seconds. Sometimes I wonder where it came from, others I know due to who I’d summoned or attempted to summon recently.
I had one of these least fall. I’d been helping someone learn how to evoke, via phone conversation on discord. For whatever reason having me on the other side of the phone, saying absolutely nothing unless questioned helped them. Perhaps it was the fact I was on my end opening the seal and then pushing the energy towards the individual and perhaps it was something else. I guess I’ll never know, they disappeared not too long after I helped them call upon Azazel. The working wasn’t for me, but when I tapped into his energy I couldn’t help but say I need help. I know you’re a bigger part of this life than I understand and I need help.
The only response I got was the same as I had garnered from Belial, when I helped this same individual evoke them. Do you vouch for him? I was and am taken a back by such a question. Why does it matter if I do or not? Isn’t it enough that I felt called to help him? I don’t know if he’ll follow through on what he needs to do for what he wants, but I know he’s at the bottom of the barrel, and if he’s going to ever do it, it’s now. That answer seemed to suffice, though I was even more perplexed to be asked the question, yet again.
I don’t know how that individuals life is going, or if they got what they needed, but I do know I was facing some really hard times myself, and Azazel answered my call. I went from having no idea how to proceed or what to do, to boom a full blow war strategy. It was like all of a sudden I had access to all of the plan, the strategy, and how it should work all within the snap of a finger. Strange, but it did seem to garner results, even if I never got the result I was after, other results were most definitely had from it.
Azazel and I have a strange relationship. He never answers when I call, and rarely even lets me know he heard. I have tendency to refer to him as an asshole over it, but not just because he doesn’t answer. It’s because I know he heard me, and I know he’s often there lurking along in the sidelines, prodding things along towards whatever our agenda is. I have no idea most days what the agenda actually is, I know bits and pieces that have been passed along to me through others, through dreams, and those I once knew in life that are no longer with us- but there’s never enough information to actually help, and it always leaves me with ten more questions than the one he allowed me the answer to.
It’s incredibly annoying honestly. What I do know is, it is not my agenda or his alone. I know this mother fcker has been around since my early teenage years, he’s influenced my art before I even knew he existed. I happen to be one of those that’s a bit weird age wise, I can remember life before the Internet in the home, the first cell phones that looked like big black boxes, the first computers at my elementary school.
I remember life before Google existed, and how difficult and limited the information on the Internet was, how hard it was to find. I know for fact that there was no mention of Azazel on the Internet back then- I checked. I was fortunate in many ways to have dial-up in my home pretty much as soon as that was a thing available. I have no idea why, but Yahoo chat rooms and games and things of that sort were my domain and escape from everything going wrong. In fact, it’s probably were I first used my skills to manipulate others.
I remember proudly showing my sketch to everyone I knew, naming it Azazel and explaining how the name meant half demon and half angel. People from church, teachers, the few friends I had. No one at the time knew who he was, and if my pastor or adult church members had a clue, they sure they did not allude to such.
I wish I still had that sketch. I can recall some of the details, if I zoom the memory out I can almost see the page I drew it on, I say almost because I can’t see it at all, but if I could I would sketch it again. I know if I tried it wouldn’t even be close and I’d just end up all pissed off, so I won’t but I wish I had it, so I could study it- maybe I’m missing something I once knew.
I’m always on the ramble box, just seems to be how I operate, how I think through things and figure out what comes next. I’m not really sure I have point today, other than Azazel frustrates me. I know he’s said to others, he’s always around and lurking so that I don’t get a choice about my abilities, they continue to develop even when I try to take a step backwards, because he’s always there, making sure it happens. I know he’s also said one of the reasons is that I won’t think he’s forsaken or forgotten me.
I have to wonder why that even matters. I don’t tend to view any spirit as more important than another, yet he’s made a point of implying that he’s important to me, in some capacity. Well to the sum of who I am at least, though I don’t seem to have any reason or need of him in this current vessel. In fact, if he had not been so clear on that, I probably would have never thought twice, about the fact he never answers my call. I would have just assumed he was not an entity suited for me at this time.
I think the reason I am rambling about this, is Azazel also has given me a familiar. Something relatively knew to working with humans, something to aid me. Yet I have the same sort of connection problem with this familiar that I do Azazel. In fact, I’ve almost given up on ever making concrete contact of any sort. I’ve failed numerous times to project to it, I’ve failed to get to enter my dreams, I’ve failed to notice if it responds when I call and nothing I’ve ever tried to get it’s help with has worked. So I’ve returned to what does work, as I don’t understand the point, it’s skill set or why even give it to me in the first place.
Yet, sometimes when I fail to project, or don’t realize I am, I think I am dreaming and go to a place, where I am working. The people are always the same, the what is going on never is. It’s always places I recognize and know, but they don’t exist here on this plane. Some of them are very similar to my home town, and others are not. It’s always very solid like this plane, I can feel and hear and touch and smell, and if I didn’t know I was somewhere else, I’d think gone to bed and gotten up in some other lifetime or something strange as fck. The people always know me, they always seemed surprised I am aware, yet have none of the memories I should have of where I am.
Perhaps, I’m going about some of this wrong. I’m not sure what I need to change or fix. I’m not always lucid when I project even, I assume I’m dreaming and just go with the flow and wherever it takes me, until I come back. The way I fall back into my body is entirely different than the way you wake up. The memories are similar however, if I don’t record them in short order, they are gone- just like dreams, just like projecting and actually accomplishing whatever I set out for. I know if I was inebriated less, I’d have less trouble gaining lucidity all around or I think I would. Lucidity and me have a shaky relationship and have, ever since I met my children’s father. Remember my dreams, or even knowing I am dreaming is never a problem, but being able to direct it, just doesn’t seem to happen like it used to.
Some days, I make so much progress. When my intentions are clear for projecting or journeying I usually am able to accomplish what I set out to, but other times I lay down, simply to just get out of body and figure I’ll decide once I get there how to proceed, and I end up thinking I’m dreaming and have no idea I’m out.
I’d honestly be incredibly frustrated, but I think. In someway, it’s all progress, even when I don’t comprehend the agenda yet.
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This video seems a bit dramatic… but awfully familiar with the concept behind the words. Not normally a Swift fan however. She too damned sexy while not being appealing at all for my taste.
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I guess we all know I like the ramble trains. They help me figure things about me out, help me grow, help me learn, help me in my study of the human mind and what makes people do the stupid shit they do.
But sometimes, I really can’t comprehend it at all.
Kinda like the above statement, from a dude I don’t even know, on the god damned internet. You would be wrong if you think the world is not so cruel I haven’t heard it more times than I count, that people have attempted to hit me there in a jab aimed at hurting me, or that those close to me haven’t used it because they thought it would cut me deep, since I allowed them to get close to me.
I took the statement like I always do, I just kept on rolling without a flinch. But I soon found I was pretty pissy and it wasn’t because he’d managed to land a hit where it hurts, it doesn’t and I’ll try to explain why it doesn’t hurt in a minute.
I was pissy because I don’t understand people like that, I don’t understand people who intentionally try to cut those who haven’t actually done anything to them. I don’t understand why people who hurt those are down and out instead of helping them. I don’t understand using someone’s physical aspects, which most of us can’t or can’t afford to change against them.
I can insult for fun and inflicting pain with the best, but I guess I have a different standard for myself with it. So I was pissy because I couldn’t figure out that kind of person, and because I just kept on rolling without flinching. Shouldn’t this thing, that I’ve heard for 35 mother fcking years, bother me? Why isn’t it a compounded issue? I certainly have issues at times under rating parts of my body and my looks, but it doesn’t hurt me to hear it from someone.
I don’t need to look into the mirror to know this guy, sees me as I see myself. The rest of the world I don’t know if they pretend or if I have had a glamour on me since I was like six years old because I encounter people who either see me like I see me when I look in the mirror, or I encounter people like Anziel, who don’t even seem to see the same woman I do.
Maybe they see me and see the rest of me. I don’t know. but to get back on the right train, I was pissy more because the statement didn’t effect me, than because it did. It caused me to think about life and the first time I encountered someone like this person.
My first memory of it was in the 2nd grade, a chubby kid was making fun of me because I couldn’t chew with my mouth closed. I remember… not reacting. Not feeling anything. I remember trying to figure out what was so damned funny about it and coming up with spades. I remember knowing that it was supposed to hurt me, and wondering why. What had I done? What reason did they have to hurt someone they didn’t even know?
I did somehow let someone hurt me those types of things that same year. I’m not sure if it was different or what but I was made of a lot as a child, a teenager, and in particular this first real year of school. This set the pace for the rest of my school years, I quickly learned to stay away from others, I wanted friends too, but not at the cost of being made fun. I was always the girl who only had maybe one friend, I didn’t even have that every year, and if they missed school- I ate lunch alone.
I put myself into such tight shell that it was ridiculous, but what was even more ridiculous, was I still was made fun of. Between my teeth, my schizophrenic mother, my daddy’s Corvette, being the teachers pet… Yeah. I’ve done a bit of it all honestly and I’m still only talking about the first few years of school here.
It gets way worse. It’s not for today however.
The point is, by the time I was in the 3rd grade, I’d developed such a hard outer shell that, no one knew I was suffering inside. I’d learned not to flinch, even when it hurt. I wanted to be me, and was too damned hurt to do it so. I learned to not let anyone know what was going on inside. My teachers never knew, my parents never knew, and I’d go home and as much as damned normal life as you could have for as fckd up as my life was.
Adulthood, and letting some of me and my personality out has changed many things. I’ve noticed not everyone can even see my flaws, let alone use them against me. Hard work and good work ethics has meant how I looked never really mattered and I’m god damned hilarious in addition to all those years shelled up alone and studying humans… means I’m usually a pretty good emotional healer. I’ve watched people for years, I’ve picked up on tendencies we have as humans and I’ve learned how to connect the dots between that and my ability to natural feel someone out.
I love surprising people with things I shouldn’t know, or things they said to someone else they thought were private- all because I’ve spent way more time listening in life than joining the crowd. I don’t really have a point in all of this, except that it made me pissy last night that someone can be so hurt and so made fun of and so emotionally abused in life…
That they don’t even flinch.
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Just a memory that belongs in this journal, but went in the other:
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3/25/21 (A few nights ago- what can I say, other than I’m lazy)
Things seem to be getting complicated in my life. It’s not the most mind boggling of situations by any means, but it’s certainly more complicated than decided if I’m going to get out of bed today, or just sleep until tomorrow.
My new boyfriend, has the habit of saying, But you love you it. or But I don’t hear you complaining. Funny how people don’t realize that continued mentioning of something is actually me complaining.
I’m not like, full bore complaining by any means, I can certainly bitch up a storm if I feel the need to, about freaking anything really, doesn’t need to be a significant topic, for me to find something to bitch about but… it is me showing resistance.
But resistance to what? I mean when I step back and look at myself, I have to wonder what the flying fck is wrong with me, somedays. I habitually resist change, just because I can- I think. Just because it’s easier. It’s easier than dealing with disappointment, and it’s way easier than dealing with someone else’s feelings.
Feely’s are something I really don’t like to do. See, I know I’ve mentioned this but, feely’s touch me really deeply. I don’t like people in general- most of ya’ll are fckd up and those of ya who aren’t are fcking moron’s so. I don’t like people, and I really prefer to keep you all at a distance. I prefer you to all think I’m not really capable of developing deep friendships.
I am, but I’m real choosey about who I do it with. It takes a special kind of person to tolerate me, especially all of me, and well I need to be able to be me around those I choose to have in my life. I don’t sugar coat things, I tell it like I see it, I think the best lessons in life hurt like a mother fcking bitch and I get into peoples heads, their hearts and I don’t like to beat around the bush.
I tend to be a bit coarse, and harsh, and while I do most certainly have a heart, and a very soft side, I prefer no one else see it. I prefer the tough exterior, and to keep my problems- between me, myself and I.
I can’t stand being pitied, or people who live their life as a pity party and well I need a lot of personal space to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I’ve been known to disappear and people are quick to think I’ve ghosted them, or written them off because it’s very much within my nature to actually do either of those and it doesn’t matter much who you are to me.
I did disappear from even my kids lives, just over two years ago, after all.
I have my reasons, but it revolves around it being way too easy to make me feel guilty, to make me feel bad for choosing me, to make me feel bad for hurting your feelings, and essentially what I feel, because of the other person. Most of the time it’s not even valid for me to feel that way. I had no valid reason to give two shits how my ex husband would handle me leaving, yet I managed to go buy groceries, hair ties, and did all sorts of things to cushion the blow, while I was getting the fck out of dodge.
I’m not sure why this is relevant, in fact it doesn’t even seem like it is, because the topic was me resisting change. Honestly other than the fact I’m on an inebriated ramble train, I’m not sure what the two topics have to do with each other, except maybe part of the reason I am resisting the current change, is because I am getting close to another human being- AGAIN.
A part of me is fighting the change, and I do not entirely know why. It’s not a bad change, in fact most of really likes it. I know I don’t fear being hurt, I don’t even fear hurting him now, though I do know he’d be the most hurt out of the two of us, if somehow this doesn’t work out. So what the hell is my problem?
I think part of it, is not knowing what I’ll do with myself, if everything is going right or well. I thrive in chaos and conflict, so if everything is right in life, then what the hell will I have to bitch about? The last time everything was good, I found minor things to bitch about, but failed to realize that my other half took them more seriously than I did. I bitched about the bed and different things that were not life altering bad, but would have been nice if they were better. I didn’t realize how upset they made him, that they weren’t perfect for me. I didn’t know my bitching about minor things upset him, until after I wasn’t with him.
My perpetual bitching could be a problem for my current relationship, even if he’s aware that I just need something to bitch about.
The other thing is motivation. I’m much easier to motivate, when I need to fix things and I need to do it right now. When all is good in my life, I have little motivation to strive for better. I’m not really hard to please and while it’s nice to have better, if it’s good enough, then it’s damned well good enough. I want to enjoy being happy, and I enjoy life more when I’m relaxed and not busting my ass.
I know balance is a thing I need to find. Entities have harped on me for it for months, too much play time and not enough work, yet when I am doing work- I tend to do more work than the average magician in a short span of time. It’s nothing to me to summon many entities of many spiritual races within one evening. I’ve managed to do routines for weeks at a time, yet eventually I burn myself out and just need a break. Then I struggle to get back on the trolley.
I suppose the answer is to find some sort of moderate work load, that works with me. Something I can maintain, yet I’m not happy if it’s not challenging, and when it is I make it so challenging that I can’t keep up and this is just ridiculous and I really have no point.
I sat down with the goal of figuring out why I resist change, why I crave things to be constantly the same, all the while thriving in chaos.
This doesn’t seem to be getting me there. #TonightsShadowWorkFailedEdition.
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Nonsensical Rants.
Man, I’m grouchy today. I’m not grouchy because I failed to do what I needed to, or because I didn’t figure it out or any of those things. I’m grouchy because I didn’t sleep enough, again and the world expects me to run on their clock which I pretty much feel is bullshit, considering the number of hours I sit around available. Just so happens the one time in weeks I turn my phone off, I miss my landlord actually wanting to fix something, that really really needs fixed.
Of course my boyfriend says oh there’s always next time, except he doesn’t seem to comprehend the basic it doesn’t work that way, so I give up on him and trying to explain other peoples actions and how missing someone when they actually decided to do something, means they won’t be bothered unless I once again hound them about, and then I’ll hear all about how I missed it, and it will be an excuse to let the issue perpetuate for days, weeks or even months.
Whatever. Been there, done that, why bother explaining it yet again, when I wasn’t heard the first time.
The point of this entry wasn’t to vent, even if that’s what I actually needed, someone who could listen, instead of someone who can only hear themselves but. Whatever on it all, because todays entry is actually about my new dead friend, and about how I am now pretty confused about life.
I tried sleeping this morning, and after something like six hours of failing to go to sleep, which no one ever believes, as they seem to think it’s a lack of my climbing into bed, rather than realizing I actually know myself and when it’s a waste of time to bother. Kudos to you asshole for thinking you know me that well when the truth is you haven’t got a clue. Back to the point, I failed to sleep so figured I would get on with my operation as planned, and then take a nap later. The nap won’t happen, because now I’m waiting to see if my landlord can be bothered to answer me, since I missed him.
To get back on target, and off my angry at people who don’t hear the words I say, no matter how plainly I say them, because they just need everything in life to be happy go lucky and can’t be bothered to see the real facts, I couldn’t sleep, so time to operate. I’ve been meaning to focus more on my projecting and journeying skills, as that is an area of my practice that I’ve been neglecting since obtaining a boyfriend. Most other things roll as they normally do, but his insistence that he sleeps better when I’m on the other side of a pretty much dead call, means the amount of time in a day I’m able to do so, is rather limited.
You can learn a lot about a person, from listening to them sleep. It’s not something I’ve ever considered before, but I’ll be real and admit I’ve had trouble sleeping at times and watched others sleep. I think anyone whose ever had babies, has found themselves watching them sleep at some point. Be it worry because they are sick, or awe because that life was created by you, or something else all together. I don’t think that I will ever figure out however, why people think they can do that shit without startling you awake as adults. I do pretty well with ignoring it, but that whole being watched thing, man you can feel it deep inside you, even when you’re checked the fck out, so while I’ve always managed to keep my cool with someone who thought it was interesting to watch me sleep, I don’t fcking get it. But I’ve managed to do a lot of listening to others sleep in this lifetime, which I do somewhat get- but it’s not on purpose.
I clearly lied to ya’ll. I need to get this rant out of my mother fcking system, if you want to heart about my operation. So anyways, the point was that I don’t sleep very good at a night. I never have, my entire life I’ve struggled to sleep when it’s dark outside, unless I’m so mother fcking blasted, that I essentially need to pass out, or will pass out, rather than keep functioning. It’s a handy little tidbit, but it’s not something I can produce in my life on a daily basis. I sleep super light, so light that every move of a baby in a bassinet next to me, would wake me up, so light that my children in the other room coughing wakes me up, so light that every obsessive move of a man, trying to figure out how to put all fcking six foot of himself into contact with my 5’2” wakes me up.
So I sleep like shit, then I hear about how well at least you slept some, because I’m apparently the only person on the world who would rather not sleep at all, than be interrupted every time they finally get into some sort of sleep cycle. Every morning, I ignore something to the effect of Good morning love, on the other end of the phone, because god dammit, it’s finally morning hours, where I can sleep deep and someone’s being mushy and affectionate, rather realizing I still haven’t slept properly for one reason or another that was beyond my mother fcking control.
I’d give anything to sleep soundly while it’s dark out, but honestly the only time I ever sleep deep and I’m not inebriated, is if I am sleeping between dawn and around 5pm. I’ve been this way since childhood, I would lay away, night after night reading books, and then when the weekend came? I’d sleep all mother fcking day. With my last boyfriend, I’d either be so inebriated I’d pass out, or I’d toss and turn with short sleeps until he went to work, and then I’d sleep. I spent many hours laying next him, listening to how he slept, picking up on the patterns of breathing, learning from his movements and his breathing, when he was dreaming and so on. It’s really nice to be held, to sleep in tandem even though it means every time the other person moves, I wake up and need to readjust to be comfortable. But it means that I don’t sleep as well as they do, hardly ever.
I’m super sleep deprived, and it’s wearing on my patience, because the people in my life, expect that if they see any sign of being awake when they wake up, I should be ready to get up, or they just can’t contain themselves from talking to me or whatever it is that motivates them to start talking or interacting with me, if I so much as move or blink and they catch it. My son does this when he’s here, the boyfriend does it whether he’s here or not, so it leads to me pretending to be asleep when I’m often not. Thankfully for me, I mastered that a long time ago, and I’m grouchy enough, to pull it off in person, when I’ve only had real short sleep cycles.
The boyfriend thinks his work from home plan is going to be great, and honestly. I think he’ll probably end up single, cuz I’ll never be able to sleep and I’m clearly a damned bitch when it perpetuates more than a few days and becomes an ongoing issue.
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I love you too honey. And BTW If you need me to I’ll give you space to nap or whatever you need.
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Aww! Yall are so adorable 
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Meh you ever see anyone be so fcking cutesy after a two page rage ramble in their direction… I mean COME ON MAN
He is ridiculous!!! 
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I can relate to you. Im an incredibly light sleeper, every noise or movment wakes me up. For this reason, I’ve stopped sleeping in the same room as my partner. Its been almost 2 years since I’ve shared a bed with anyone…working third shift makes it all the more challenging as well. (Birds and cars making all kinds of noise outside) At least my cats are quiet, I guess. I normally average about 2-4 hours of sleep a day inbetween my constant waking up.
Also about your journal before this one. I think resistance to change is just a human thing. We naturally want whats comforting to us and change brings chaos.
Good luck with your sleeping.
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I had this grand idea, probably a month or so ago, that it would be fun to work through grimoires, with other occultist. The idea came up in a conversation, related to the fact that neither I, nor the other person really care for the MFWB groups. (Magical Friends with Benefits). I think we have slightly different reason, but point is we don’t really doing work for others, other than the occasional experiment to see how things work out, or for someone really close to us with a need. There were other idea that passed between us, but I recently saw @ReyCuervo in the lounge looking for more magical work and wanting to keep his magical ass busy with magical things.
I brought up the book club idea, gave the thoughts that it would be cool for a bunch of us to work through the same grimoires at the same time and essentially compare notes, how things felt yada yada and so on, what have you and what not. I was really surprised to see how many people reply that they would be interested in doing something like that.
Originally, I didn’t want to be the leader of anything, I have motivational issues after all. I then realized, that as a group of experienced magicians, we wouldn’t need a leader per say, plus no one volunteered or launched a thread with the premise and I do want to be an active part of the discussions and all of that. So I launched the thread myself.
We chose the new Jared Tempest grimoire, The Angels of Omnipotence. It’s a really interesting book, on a subject that isn’t really well covered modernly or much at all as far as I’ve seen, and it seems to have more options than any grimoires I’ve paged through for the 72 demons, or angels. If you’re interested in more than the gist of the story, pick up the book or join the club :P. The author mentions, going through an initiation ritual, that he declines to give. @Dralukmun managed to find one internet article on the subject, and the poster talks about their experience with it, they essentially received in a past me a note type scenario, and then compared notes with the person who gave them the overview, and both had similar experiences and requests of the nine angels.
It seems to be the only internet article on the nine angels so far to date. That alone catches my interest, and then I believe Tempest also mentions that he found it unnecessary, but lead me to believe that he thinks it caused some of the turmoil he experienced early into the workings. As such, I’m real interested, and in have been tossing the idea of going through a similar ritual myself, back and forth for some time now. I originally thought, why bother if it’s not necessary, but rereading the article, and the fact that the posters request had to do with obtaining justice for something long gone and in the past, well gosh. I think I have similar situation.
I have however, been putting off the initiation ritual, for the Angels of Omnipotence. I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me honestly. In the past, I just thought things through, considered my options and then dove right in head first. But lately? Gosh I not only procrastinate, I over think things.
I’ve always over thought things, but usually it’s obvious to me, and everyone who will hear me out, that over thinking is what I am doing. Lately it’s not. It’s not only not obvious to those in my life, it’s not even obvious to me. Instead of the thoughts running the foreground of my mind, forcing me to examine and consider them from every mother fcking possible angle…
They are lurking in the background. They are creeping and crawling through the darkest recesses of my mind, and not even letting me know they are there. I notice I procrastinate more, when I have lurking thoughts of unsure nature. Lurking what ifs. Normally I just over think things, make a rash but logical decision and then carry on riding the waves of what happens.
Now, I just delay things, waiting for someone to tell me what the best option is, waiting for my mind or my gut to give me a clue. I just don’t even think about whatever it is. It’s almost like a void, or emptiness rather than an over thinking. It’s kinda strange to be honest, and I’m not really sure why it’s happening. In a weird sense, it reminds me of how I sometimes trance out, neither awake nor sleep- just in an endless sea of nothingness that I can recall, until I decide to get up because I’m not accomplishing whatever goal I set out about. I’ve found myself trancing out for hours, knowing I thought, but having no idea what those thoughts were.
Almost every instance has been much longer than it felt like. It’s almost concerning, because while I’m certainly not living life tranced out as a full time occupation, my over thinking is no longer the forefront. I’m not over thinking anything, in fact- anything that bothers me, is a problem, could be a problem etc, is simply not being thought about at all.
I went from daydreaming about the future, pretend scenarios of what could be, someday down the line- to living in the moment, every moment. Sure I have some what ifs and doubts I’ve expressed here and there about the boyfriend, but honestly, I had to really drag those up. They weren’t just here for my thinking pleasure, instead they were lurking in the background, waiting for me to dredge them up. I wasn’t even that worried about them, not compared to the shit show I’ve made them out to be.
So, I’m experiencing some sort of detachment from my thoughts, from planning, from day dreaming. Maybe it’s because I’ve struggled to figure out what I want in life and where I am going, and for some aspects of my life- no one really has any idea what is going to happen exactly or what needs to be done to either get me out of the situations and into better ones, or how to diffuse and eliminate them.
I guess that’s where I am going with the Angels of Omnipotence. Not to help me over think again, but to get rid of this one situation that has been a monkey on my back for the last two years, and a burden on my shoulder the 13 years prior. I have some what ifs, and what will I do ifs, and some minor worry that it will not only blow up in my face, but I’ll fail to fix it. I realized I was putting off this work, and I had no good reason to do it at the forefront of my mind, so I was able to on the trigger thought, dredge up the what ifs and reasons that I might not want to make the decision, I had already made.
I realized pretty quickly, these were all objections, some were logical, some come down to it being a calculated risk and some are just to feed the drama of over thinking. But they weren’t the real reason I’ve been avoiding it, the real reason is- I’ve just not been thinking about it, and I’ve not done the over thinking, that I normal do, to prepare myself as I have been living, quite literally every moment, in the moment.
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My entry for the book club.
Meh. Seems the shadow work is never done.
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