My entry for the book club.
Meh. Seems the shadow work is never done.
My entry for the book club.
Meh. Seems the shadow work is never done.
Then you would you have no more Room to grow. And that will be boring. And you wouldn’t get any stronger.
Sighs. This is true and I know it, but somedays I just want a break- ya know.
Take one! All of this is like working a muscle and you need time to see the benefits and the results. But if I am being honest, it sounds like you were on a break already even though you didn’t think you were.
I was sorta, I was taking a break from working on things directly and simply coming into realization of particular things.
It is unfortunately time to get to work, I’m just tired of there always being work.
If I can give some advice, focus on what the work in the past brought you and that should make it easier to do the work now. It sounds like you might be falling into the trap of focusing too much on the current situation without realising the benefits of the past situations have brought you and applying those to this one.
I wasn’t going to share this entry for the book club over here, but it keeps standing out that is past stuff I was dreaming about and working through the past traumas are part of this journals purpose.
Just some book club stuff. One of my old current past lives, helped me with my current life.
This is a TMI entry, it’s personal but then- I suppose they all are.
I once recently had what was not only a good relationship, it was practically perfect. We were connectedly deeply, so deeply that he could read me like read him. He knew when my mood shifted, often picking up on it before I even did.
But we had one thing, one thing that wasn’t perfect-to him. See, some women are different and they just almost can’t orgasm with a man. It’s not for lack of anyone trying, it’s that there’s literally only one way, one movement, in one position on top that is only even achievable if he’s long enough, still enough and patient enough to let you do it. He doesn’t even have to be long enough, because he doesn’t even have to be inside of you, he just has to let you make the movements on top of him.
I’ve never understood the way men approach clits, they honestly don’t get it right or even close to right for some women. They move to fast, they understand it’s a friction thing, but they can’t do the right movement because some of us can’t either with our hands, fingers etc. It’s a combination of pressure and the exact right friction, a longer movement that can’t be reproduced with someone’s fingers or hands.
J knew this. It wasn’t like I wasn’t upfront with him about it. I let him know from day one, it would never happen. He understood but somehow every time I saw the hurt in his face, felt the cut to his heart. He just wanted to make me as happy as I made him. He wanted it to be as good for me, as it was for him. I was, but he could never understand that, because men and me have different needs from sex. I watched him get hurt by me, every damned time, because of what he wanted for me.
It’s not really very hard to fake it, especially not with most men. I never thought I’d be able to however, with a man who got me. With a man who could not only pick up on when I shifted, when I got lost in some awful memory that I didn’t even think ever happened, but he could tell me about where I’d been while I was lost, he could comfort me through it.
But women, have muscles down there. It honestly not difficult to make those muscles click and feel exactly like it does with an orgasm. I remembered reading once about how when you tighten them, it feels good to your partner. I once usually only squeezed them, when I was laying on top of him after he’d obtain his own pleasure. Squeeze and release, I remember how amazed he was with it, how he’d never experienced a woman that had control of her kegels.
One day, I realized if it felt good to squeeze and release, it probably felt good to squeeze and hold. Turns out I was right, it feels pretty great for both parties involved. Assumptions were made and I let them be made. The sound was real, the feel goods was real, the fact there was never any orgasm for me there, didn’t matter because I felt good and he felt good. The energy of an orgasm isn’t hard to mimic either, and thusly we had the best sex either of us had ever had, and that was real too. Only the one part wasn’t real, and you know what. He was so pleased thinking it was, as he never understood that I was happy and it felt good for me, that I could never hurt him and tell him the truth. He never understood my lust for fcking him multiple times a day had nothing to do with wanting to orgasm myself. It was lust for him to orgasm within me.
Sex with J was great, it really was. He knew all the things that made it pleasurable for me, it wasn’t his fault none of those things could make me orgasm. I can relate to just wanting to please your partner too, really I can or I would have never let him misunderstand. But the misunderstanding brought us even closer together. I saw our sex lives go from good to great. Power fcking at night, quickies before he went to work, I wanted him when he walked through the door after work. It was great, it felt great, and none of that was made up- but the one thing. I knew it would cut him deep if he ever knew, so he never did.
Somehow, the topic of females orgasming a lot keeps coming up in my life. I’ve been clear that one should not brag about things that they don’t really know about, especially when they can’t even feel me shift, especially when in the moment I did try to tell them, but they were so pleased with themselves they failed to hear me. Oh well, in the end I allowed the assumption for someone else’s sake in the past and it turned out really really well, even if it was the only lie I ever had between me and J, it was for the betterment of our relationship so. Perhaps this time it will be the same.
*Maybe it would have been, except. I’m not being heard. I’ve been clear time and time again that I was tired of seeing the vanity and the bragging and even was real clear in our thread the other day that he didn’t know what he was going on about but alas. It came up once again last night. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I wasn’t being heard and then I could feel the I’m not sure if she’s telling it like it is, or telling it like it could be vibe and doubt going on.
Yeah, sometimes the truth hurts and I usually delivery it blunt and honestly but you know. I do still have a heart. I do still know how important it is to your partner that you please them, and how important it is to them to do the same for you and how it feels when you feel like you failed because they didn’t obtain the goal you had for them. I get it, so I could have lived with this one not coming up, quite happily forever.
But sometimes people push, despite being warned not to push. Sometimes they don’t hear you.
Yesterday, I lost respect for most of my tribe. I guess it’s my fault, I thought it was amusing that if you ignore someone manually it gives you the option for a time duration, so I posted a screen shot showing how you could select forever. I didn’t know there was an option for time duration prior to yesterday. I posted the picture, then got several pms about who was it.
Obviously, nobody important or I would not have just ignored them, was what I said. I scrolled up in a thread I had open from 2017 since I am reading all of @Eye_Of_Ra 's post atm as she was recently bound on her main account. She had a lot of interesting information, and I know myself- if I don’t wade through it now, I never will. So I scrolled up in the thread I was in, verified how the ignore worked and then posted about that.
Unfortunately I typo’d that I scrolled up in this thread, rather than this one thread, and somehow edit’s are showing the pencil at 3 minutes instead of 5 of so, even though I thought better, and took out the information that it was a recently changed avatar that was a pain in the ass, because I keep liking it by accident when I am liking @Eye_Of_Ra’s old posts, and I feel stupid sending notifications on posts from four years ago and not really like explaining wtf I am doing in these old threads.
I afkd, cleaned my litter boxes- there’s one in every room because of the ferret, swept, mopped then took a shower. I like to stand in the shower in the hot water so I took a quick nude for the boyfriend, flipped to balg to catch up on my reading then dropped my phone in the shower. I grabbed it fast, tossed it on the toilet upright to dry and then finished my shower.
By the time I got dressed, I found assumptions were being made over who I muted. I hate people who just assume, that because I have a minute to like a few posts, I must have time to answer them. I probably would have, if I’d not dropped my phone in the damned shower and found the screen covered in water.
I ended up spending the next half hour or more wondering why the hell someone cared so much, when clearly it wasn’t them. Then I get a pm about how the conversation, that I didn’t start and the fits I was responding to were awkward.
Sorry I don’t really give too fcks. I eventually responded, since they had alluded to the fact that they told the person having fits at me, that they were the one I ignored, and just to see if they were really going around sharing my business that they had no way of knowing, since I had told them it was nobody important rather than giving a name, I gave them a fake name. One that fit the criteria I had given, but not one I had muted.
I afkd because I was annoyed, just to come back to see that fakely named person was practically harassing me in pms over it. I ignored them for real and continued my next art project. I eventually deleted the ignore, and responded to them, after I watched a group of people I once respected bash each other, while being extremely hypocritical.
I then left that pm, and all but four other pms- one is my boyfriends, one is a good friend, one person who seems legit and one is Arianna, as I kinda want to hang on to the last reading she gave me. I then left my own book club, because I just am not doing this. I should go leave all of my archived pms too, just to be sure you all get the hint that none of these people are worth my time. I almost left the damned forum over what I witnessed then I reminded myself I do have a purpose and I may be the only one in a human body who knows what it is, but I am here for a reason.
But I do not have to interact with people that I can’t respect. I shouldn’t keep trying to show them where they are wrong, or make them happy- see there’s always someone having fits at me for talking too much in the lounge TMW or in the book club, or at me bantering with my boyfriend playfully because they assume it’s arguing when it’s not at all, even though it’s rather clear unless you have no brain at all, that it is banter. So why am I trying to please a bunch of assholes? I mean really, since when do I give a flying fck?
I’m really not sure when I started caring so much what people thought about me, but you know what. I am over it and I am done with that bullshit. I now have an ignore list a mile long except no one’s actually on it as I want to personally tell people to go pound sand up their assholes, and most of you are fcking on it and never coming off as I’ve lost respect in you or I’ve lost my trust by taking that fake thing I said and telling the person who then reamed my ass over MY choice for ignore list. Not being trustworthy, is hands down the best way to find yourself not in my life ever again- period.
So the point of this is that you can all go to hell, thanks for the lesson- I won’t make that mistake again. If you somehow decide later on you need or want me in your life… good luck. I’m busy and my circle is full.
I do not know what happened so I will not go on beyond what I have read. All I will say is that we all have our own way we have to walk, whether it is for the sake of power, finding our own place in the world or other goals. That often requires evaluating who we decide to interact with. I have no dog in that fight and will not try to have one. I am not that type of person. But, good luck with your endeavors with the Angels of Omnipotency and beyond. And feel free to drop me a DM if the need arises. I know I am usually busy but I will try to make time where I can for a friend.
Some of it is my own mistake for thinking that I am too often an anti-social person and that it was time for me to outgrow that- no big deal I remember now why I am that way. The rest is disgust at fellow human beings.
Thank you Wilson, I appreciate it* and same to you
Yeah, I’m being dramatic and Idc my life, I’ll be as dramatic as I like.
Just pasting some book club journals here, because I didn’t record them elsewhere at all, and I don’t want to loose them.
From the book club on 4/7/21 the rest of the entry has been redacted due to the personal and ongoing nature of the situation and other workings being done towards it.
Book club from 4/12/21
Book club from 4/13/21
A reminder for myself for 4/15/21 just in case I ever wonder how I got here from there.
I definitely have to continue the Angels of Omnipotence, I’m rather committed, even though the book doesn’t hit the two week mark for another 2-3 days depending on time zone. I did the initiation ritual with all 9, and so I thusly need to keep my end of the deal, in which I work with the other 8, maybe not for a full two weeks each, maybe some will be longer but- I need to work with each angel, period.
The last few days events, make it even more important that I complete this first group of sigils as well. I know I’ve mentioned somewhere here or there, or maybe the other journal on dead shit, that one of my choices of sigils for Elubatel, was a sigil for understanding the emotional needs of others and the target I’m trying to understand is @Anziel_Merkaba. I don’t think I’ve explained why, so I’m going to try to ramble train my way that direction, maybe it’ll help me pick up on something hiding in plain sight. I sure hope so.
I pretty much feel like a failure the last few days. I’ve been trying but it doesn’t seem like I’m hitting the mark with much. I think I’ve had enough of the drama, so I’m going to get right to the point. See the entire point is my son has adhd, Anziel has adhd and my only other real friend in my real life, also has adhd, and I am struggling.
I know, it’s not their fault. I distinctly remember my sons doctor explaining to me, that the adhd mind… the filter doesn’t work like the rest of us. Whereas I say what I think on purpose, they can’t help it. Their mind doesn’t let them know that they are out of bounds or going to far, or saying something inappropriate, until afterwards with some things.
It can apply to other behaviors as well, but I’ve seen my son outgrow most of those, and my other two loved ones don’t have many of those either. They do however all have really high iqs and are very intellectual- if you can get them on the right topics, and then understand them when they out knowledge you.
All three of my loved ones, can have good conversations for hours a time where they are able listen and everything is good. The trouble is, each one of my loved ones, has some area where they essentially loose their ability to stop and think about anyone else around them. They get excited about it because it’s interesting, it’s something they are really into, things they rate fun even.
For my son, it’s guns and farms and cows and shooting and fishing, and things like that. I sometimes loose my cool with him still and I know it’s not his fault, but getting him to pause and listen is impossible. Leaving the room doesn’t work, he’ll follow or get louder and I only see them every other weekend, so I don’t have many punishments I can give. I don’t have many things I can take away from him, other than myself and well. I’m kinda here alone, with two kids already competing for every second of my very limited two weekends a month with them. So I am struggling in a few ways.
My real life friend, his thing is advice. If he sees some area of life that he can give you advice on, boy you are fckd. You can’t talk over him, you can’t get him to stop, he will repeat himself until he is certain you understood. You don’t have to agree but he has to be absolutely certain you understood. He’s 57, he says they didn’t really know what adhd was when he was a kid, but he wishes he had, because he’s struggled his entire life with it.
I recently went two months without opening my door when he came over (No cellphone so he can’t call me, he just drops by.) Then when I was moving apartments in March, he heard about it and showed up to help. God am I an awful friend and person. I was hard up on making my point and he did apologize, telling me he was trying to tell me how to live, he just wanted to make sure I knew all my options and I could live with what I decided in regards to my ex and legal issues.
Then, we have Anziel. Cars, jokes, fun. Pretty much anything funny, sarcastic, could be twisted into a cringe joke, and a few other things like never giving anyone driving on the road the benefit of the doubt. Downright awful when there’s no way you can know what that other driver is going through, thinking, where they are going, do they even know the area etc etc. But the problem is mainly the funny, sarcastic, joking.
I’ve legit hung up on him, in regards to a funny thing that I had already read. I told him I read it and he just kept on and when I tried to interrupt and reassert I didn’t want to hear it, he started over. So I hung up… Sorry too bad, I didn’t answer the phone again that night. You didn’t hear me, you weren’t listening.
If it was always that way, maybe we could make some progress. But it’s not. Most of the time, when he’s not here we are on the phone either in voice or video chat. Even if I don’t find it funny, sometimes he thinks I will because he does. I have to be real careful to keep my tone hard and not let him think I did.
Sometimes I can’t, I found it funny. I say no in chat, but he heard my laugh. I guess the answer would be to not be on the forum when we are in calls, but then I’ll never be here- for real. It’s really not that long till he’s moving here either so… Laughing is a reaction. You can curb it some, but all of it?
Yeah probably not me. I love humor. I love when things are funny, but how do I get him to keep it in voice and not banter it out, not share it with the whole wide world who doesn’t get it or find it funny? I can tell him and remind him and that damned impulse filter… it just isn’t going up. For the most part, he doesn’t even care what people think about him, and I don’t too much either but. I keep finding myself getting bitched out about it, when I am trying to figure out what to do.
See I’m trying to redirect, and I picked this sigil, for understanding the emotional needs of others, with Elubatel because maybe if I understand. I can figure out what I can do to help make it better. It’s not just him, if I could not react he’d do less of it though if you go through his history, you’ll see it’s not a new thing, it’s just more because he has someone he loves and trusts and can be himself with. So it’s an us thing, we have to work on it and I have to do my part, but I don’t know what my part is.
I guess it’s okay for a minute, because ironically after I took a hit for him, gave up something important to me, that was my idea, after I decided if certain behaviors were allowed essentially because it’s me and an ambiguous post- three times over now, that I’d keep to my own threads, because sure the forum can think it’s passive aggressive and what I think is, at least I won’t be bullied or abused for no reason if stay in my own threads.
No I don’t consider being honest about not caring for a person a good enough reason to treat them like shit. Its fine to have disagreements and debates and whatever but I’m on the third time that things have been pushed way beyond what I consider reasonable and I don’t equate not liking someone to the same as they are my enemy, I’m an adult after all. I’ve had to work jobs where I didn’t like everyone and they didn’t like me. That doesn’t mean you can’t get along for the sake of the team.
So anyways the point of that last little ramble is, he ditched me. Not ditched me as far as dating goes. We’re still talking, still on the phone, he’s still moving in with me in about a month. But he’s taking a break from the forum due to the drama.
I get it, and I do appreciate that he recognized I had his back and he thanked me and he loves me but. Gosh now I gotta do this hard part alone, and seems like it would be nice if he had my back for it. It’s not on purpose and I know that, or I’d be having fits, it’s a not comprehending because we rate things differently.
Like for me, I already bubble my life and limit what I do because of my lungs, so It almost feels unfair, but it is my choice and I’m not going to change my mind at least for a while so. I can’t complain, I just wish I wasn’t doing it without him and I will have that conversation with him, but atm I am emotionally tired already so I feel like it can wait for tomorrow, I think he’ll understand, if he hears me.
Hmm. Seems spirits have this problem too sometimes.
Sorry friend, too ironic that I was writing this, as you were pming me that.
Balls…now the “updates” will take me to the end… A fitting response
Oh, I didn’t get it at first and it’s because I quoted you, so you jumped most of the ramble train. I see how are you are.
Sneaky littttleee sonofabich lmao.