Pathworking My Current Past Life (Shadow Work)

I often forget, about the condo my father purchased on Eufaula lake. I’m not sure why, as it was one of the first major things my daddy did after my parents divorce, and I have several pictures of the inside of the condo.

I was pretty excited when we first go to see the condo. It was very near the lake, and there were steps leading down from the back side of the condo to the water. I loved to watch the sunset over the lake. I remember sleeping on pallets on the floor for a while in a room with my younger sister.

I also remember my grandmother coming to visit there, and my parents eventually trying to work things out. My mother thought it was a ridiculous expense, yet was rather pleased when my daddy bought her a brand new, white Honda Eagle.

I can remember the kitchen area, and the furniture, though it’s hard for me to describe these things in words. I would be able to pick them out of a photo line up, yet to describe them from memory always feels challenging. The kitchen table was a glass top. The chairs were light brown framed, but had wicker like bikes, and the cushions were a molted multi color. The couch and love seat matched the chairs sorta. They were a dark shade of molted color patters. I can remember how the pattern had a pink stripe that almost looked like twisted dna strands, but I feel like my challenge of putting this into words is failing.

Shortly after my parents divorced, my daddy received one of the three DUI’s that I remember him obtaining through out my lifetime. I think it was actually part of what spurned my parents to try again, and I remember him riding a bicycle up to our house on third street one day, and talking to my mother about at least giving it a chance.

Things seemed to be going well, though I knew my mother was hiding the fact that she was doing some odd things. She would often sit and talk back to the radio, as if the radio talk host could hear her.

In a last ditch attempt to save what seemed to not be salvageable, my daddy rented an RV, and we were going to go road tripping. I remember the interior and thinking it was neat how you could be in a home setting almost but on the road while my daddy drove. It was going well, until one day when my daddy stopped to get gas.

My daddy went into the gas station and my mother started tearing things apart, looking for secret compartments, pulling backs the carpet and wall panels. She was looking for bugs or listening devices. She was convinced someone had planted them on the RV and she was going to find them. My daddy came back, and my mother had to explain what she was doing. I don’t remember how the argument went, but the trip was ended abruptly and we headed home.

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I keep seeing the topic of subliminals come up, so I am going to jump several years, while I am reminded of it.

My mother was schizophrenic, though I didn’t know the word for it until later, around the age of 12. It wasn’t very noticeable the first few years. Things like searching for bugs in my daddy’s RV, talking to the radio like it was listening- were just the tip of the iceberg in my childhood.

I can’t remember how old I was when my mother first spouting off about subliminal messages on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I was between the age of 8 and 12, based on my very good memories of where we lived.

After my parents re-split up, my daddy purchased my mother’s home from her on South Street. I’m not sure why I wrote it as 3rd street above, that was inaccurate and I’ve never lived on a 3rd street anywhere that I can think of at the moment, off hand. I just updated my scrivener copy of this journal with the correct street, but alas I haven’t been wikiing these posts, so I can’t edit it here. Anyways, time to get away from my flaws as a perfectionist and back to the story. My father also helped my mother purchase a new home, it was older Victorian style home on the corner of 4th and Wichita.

The home on Wichita, had old white siding, and a big wrap around porch on the front side. The floorboards on the porch were painted black and many were beginning to rot. The porch was higher than I was tall at the time, and had white lattice that went from the deck portion, down to the ground. We had a really nice big front yard, a covered carport, and a fenced in back yard with a big white shed. The interior of the home was rather spacious. There were two bedrooms, a large walk in closet the size of a small bedroom and a bathroom upstairs. Downstairs there were four large room, two had old school French doors leading into the other two, as well as a kitchen. There was also a large fireplace constructed from white painted bricks.

My mother progressively showed more signs of her schizophrenia as time went by. At first you would not have known anything was abnormal, unless you lived with her. Eventually she reached a point in time where she rarely slept, would spend hours sketching clown faced people wearing clothes that would remind you of the circus. She painted flowers on our beautiful hard wood floors, drew maps on the wall, and would talk to the radio. Eventually she could no longer hold a job, because everyone was working against her and she felt she had to tell everyone about the subliminal messages and what the government was doing to her and her children. She tried to rip out the fireplace, tore up the carpet upstairs, demolished walls and many things trying to stop the activity underground and find the bugs she believed had been planted in our home, because she figured it out.

She would ramble for hours, about how everything was a subliminal message. Every song, every commercial, every talk host, was using subliminal messages from the psychics. The psychics were astrally touching her twat, my twat, and my sisters twat. The German army was going through underground tunnels under our home, and the fireplace would move up and down to allow their passage. I could on for hours, but the topic is subliminal messages.

She would talk about how the subliminal messages were in the radio waves, on the tv and soon we had a broken tv because she was convinced it was brainwashing us, and everyone who watched it. We were being brainwashed with subliminal messages so that we wouldn’t know who were really the bad guys. Everything was fake, and she had figured it out. The FBI and the CIA were a big conspiracy theory to her, and I cannot post my memories about the rest of the subject, due to the politics rule, because even though I don’t wish to discuss politics, most of my mothers rantings about subliminal messages were related heavily to politics.

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Sorry to comment on such an old post, but I feel that you should know this is me, rather unexpectantly, when I’m just here for a good time:

new-girl-crying-gif

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I was going to type this up last night (actually this morning since it was around 5 am by the time I got motivated to actually do the work)but I found myself suddenly so tired, that I was asleep within minutes of laying down for a short rest. I ended up sleeping about 13 hours, and wanted to keep sleeping, but made myself get up to eat and shower and actually do this. I didn’t expect 2 hour pendulum sessions to drain me so hard, though I’ve also noticed that I always feel drained while my children are here.

I sat, quite literally in the bottom of the shower allowing the water to flow over me and absorbing its energy. Sun is normally my go to, but it’s winter and in Pennsylvania it may be weeks before I see the sun shine again. My mind kept drifting to why do my children drain me so? I pondered it for quite a while, at first wondering if it was one child, or both psy-vamping me.

I quickly realized that my daughter is content just being near me. She will happily lay on her bed or couch for hours just enjoying the ability to relax and watch movies, or she’ll literally dance around the apartment while listening to music, just happy for the freedom she experiences here, and not having to hide her personality. This led me to remember that while she struggled while I was away, it was actually my son, who rarely spoke up about it- that struggled the most.

When my children are here, it is my son that demands my constant attention. For example, both Saturday and Sunday morning he was up at the butt crack of dawn, despite being able to stay up later than he ever is at home. He quietly came out, not realizing I’d either not slept yet (Sunday morning) or that the movement had awakened me (Saturday morning). He got out headphones, turned on the TV, PlayStation and gamed without making a sound, until I got up to go to the bathroom. As soon as he realized I was awake he non-stopped talked about all sorts of things, even after I laid back down and rolled over. He’s always disappointed if I sleep late, take a nap, spend time talking to Madison, sit down to check my email or even when I’m making dinner. Anytime mom mode kicks in and I inadvertently tune out the chatter and focus on something else, my son feels like he is feeling neglected.

While I don’t think my son is a psy-vamp by nature, I do think he’s suffering from lack of attention at home, the children’s father has always been one to ignore them, tell them their conversations and ideas are stupid, no tolerance for noise, and pretty much you can go fck yourself on any conversation if he’s watching TV. My son’s need to just be himself, and to know someone loves him for what he is, is so great that he’s draining the fck out of me. I suppose time will tell how I should handle it, but hopefully it will lessen in time as well.


Now back to the purpose of this entry. I’ve been testing, Baal Kadmon’s pendulum methods. Essentially you charge a bottle of water with the intent of clearing the gunk in your subconscious mind, that causes pendulum errors. It doesn’t even sound like he channels the intent or the energy to do so in the bottle of water. He pretty much tells the reader to just fill the bottle of water, and then to write a word, or short statement on the bottle of water to represent the questions you will be asking the pendulum. He then says to stow it in the fridge for a few hours, overnight or even to just let it sit out. He also recommends using brainwave audios, to clear your mind and drop you into a trance state- before, during and for a few minutes after the pendulum work.


I am going to be pathworking through a book that requires the use of a pendulum for spirit communication. It does not fully evoke the angels of the Shem Ha-Mephorash, but the entire method of summoning and communication with the angels revolve around the pendulum. I was already going to work back through the 72 angels and demons at a slower pace than I took when I worked through them in August, so I figure a different approach could be enlightening.

As such I purchased a pendulum for the operation, and then created a pendulum board of my own- on a 12”x12” piece of poster board. For winging it, using two different sized plates for my circles, a measuring tape for sewing and an incense stick for a ruler, I think it looks okay enough to use for the operation. I then sketched a butterfly in the center, as this word is closely associated with my souls name and when I was trying to decide what to fill the space with, as I didn’t want to leave it blank, it stood out in my mind.

I am disappointed that pink metallic marker I used on the wings, was the biggest mistake of my life, as it looked like dirty blood smeared with dirty and would not stroke evenly on an my poster board, or paper or anywhere else. Shame I did not test it first. I tried covering it with a darker marker, but even black would not go over it. I ended up painting over the wings with black chalkboard paint. Despite the fact that symmetry is just not something I can do, I’m actually really pleased with how the butterfly came out in the end. Slightly annoyed that the pink metallic smeared and it looks like I put blood on this pendulum board, underneath the butterfly- but such life. It took me six tries to get the circles and letters nice enough that I could accept their imperfection, so I wasn’t doing it all again.

On a whim, I purchased a brainwave audio mp3, from Baal Kadmon’s website, for an entity that I’ve only worked with a few times. She’s been calling to me in my dreams, and I originally intended to purchase one of his files for the Loa spirits, as I work with the three he has audio for, then changed my mind. I’m curious to learn what this entity that is calling to me, has on the agenda and I had a few questions I knew she could answer anyways, though most of my questions are not directly related to her.

So long story short, I have a few questions- that even my trusted Balg friends, could only help me so much with. We’ve drawn broad conclusions, but confirmation is a nice thing isn’t it? Also I thought I had a partial name, for the entity the questions revolve around, as I had dreamed about it, or perhaps it was a vision. I’m not really sure, as I was trying to project to it, when it occurred. That entry would not only take up a lot of space, and I already squander space, but it gets rather personal so, I’ll only say that there were three names that I saw during the dream, and I knew two of them wrong and which was right. I was able to find similar spellings for the two I knew were wrong, but nothing for the one I knew was right. I obviously couldn’t remember the name that was right when I came out of it, or I wouldn’t have been on such a mission to find it afterward. I was certain it started with an L, and I thought the second letter was an a or an e, and that it was approximately 7 letters in length.

With a brand new cleansed and consecrated pendulum, pendulum board and a method of increasing your pendulum accuracy from 50% average to 80%, it only seemed right to take on a three day project, to see what I could learn about this entity and it’s name.


12/19/20

I placed a bottle of water in the back of my fridge, which I had labeled- questions about the voice, on Friday evening, prior to the arrival of my children. I spent the evening with them, then once they were in bed, got out my pendulum, board and the bottle of water. I followed Baal Kadmon’s recommendations and played the brainwave audio in my ear buds, while drinking the bottle of water and gazing at the sigil of Lilith- which I had pulled up on my computer screen. The pendulum and board laid between myself and the computer. I listened to the entire audio, (20 minutes) prior to beginning, then hit play as soon as it had ended. I noticed I quite easily dropped into trance, without even trying.
I began by confirming the yes and no movements on the pendulum, before getting into the questions. I also asked questions that I knew were either or wrong, between each question to see how things were progressing. I also asked each real question three total times, each day.

  1. Is Lilith with me? Yes

  2. Is my name Sandra? No

  3. Is Lilith with me? Yes

  4. Is my sons name Maria? No

  5. Is Lilith with me? Yes

Now that I feel confident you can see what I mean, by asking questions that I already knew were definitely yes or no, I’m only going to list the questions that I actually had questions about. I still asked each of these questions at least three times, with the ones I knew the answers too in between to keep constant verification that I was getting accurate answers.

  1. Will you (Lilith) answer questions about the voice, that I keep hearing calling my name? Yes

  2. Is the voice that I hear calling my name a shadow? No

  3. Is the voice that I hear calling my name, my ubi? (I used his name) No

  4. Is the voice that I hear calling my name from my boyfriend? (I used his name)? Yes

  5. Was the voice that I hear calling my name created by my boyfriend? Yes

  6. Does my boyfriend know that he created the voice that is calling my name? No

  7. Is the voice that I hear calling my name, here to protect me? Yes

  8. Is the voice that I hear calling my name integrating with me? (this question was based on something I saw in the dream/vision) Yes

By this point, I had long noted that there is a slight delay between the switch of the yes and no movements. I already noted that in practice sessions, but the significance here is that I noticed I could feel it where my fingertips held the pendulums chain, as it began to change. I also noticed that as the motion would begin to change, it would at first almost go in a circle, before straightening out to the new movement. Now I wanted to learn about the voice’s name, so I let Lilith know that I would be referring to it only as the voice going forward.

  1. Does the voice’s name start with L? Yes

  2. Are there more than 9 letters in the voices name? No

  3. Are there more than 5 letters in the voices name? Yes

  4. Are there more than 7 letters in the voices name? No

  5. Are there six letters in the voices name? Yes

  6. Is the second letter of the voices name A? No

  7. Is the second letter of the voices name E? No

  8. Is the second letter of the voices name I? No

  9. Is the second letter of the voices name O? No

  10. Is the second letter of the voices name U? Yes

  11. Is the third letter of the voices name A, B, C, D, E, or F? Yes

  12. Is the third letter of the voices name G, H, I, J, K or L? No

  13. Is the third letter of the voices name A, B, C, D, E, or F? Yes

  14. Is the third letter of the voices name M, N, O, P, Q, or R? No

  15. Is the third letter of the voices name A, B, C, D, E, or F? Yes

  16. Is the third letter of the voices name S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z? No

  17. Is the third letter of the voices name A, B, C, D, E or F? Yes

  18. Is the third letter of the voices name A? Yes

  19. Is the third letter of the voices name B? No

  20. Is the third letter of the voices name A? Yes

  21. Is the third letter of the voices name C? No

  22. Is the third letter of the voices name D? No

  23. Is the third letter of the voices name A? Yes

  24. Is the third letter of the voices name E? No

  25. Is the third letter of the voices name F? No

  26. Is the third letter of the voices name A? Yes

Now that I feel confident, that you remember that I asked each question at least three times, with confirmation questions in between each asking, and that you can follow how I went through each block of letters to confirm which set of letters that I need to pay attention to. I’ll progress without showing all the question that don’t really apply to the answers. I followed the above outline for every letter, so I feel like it’s just wasting space to type it all out for each of the six letters of the voices name.

  1. Is the fourth letter of the voices name S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z? Yes

  2. Is the fourth letter of the voices name S? Yes

  3. Is the fifth letter of the voices name S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z? Yes

  4. Is the fifth letter of the voices name Z? Yes

  5. Is the Sixth letter of the voices name M, N, O, P, Q or R? Yes

  6. Is the Sixth letter of the voices name O? Yes

  7. Is the voices name Luaszo? Yes

  8. Is Luaszo my ubi? No

  9. Are you appearing my dreams because you want me to work with you? Yes

  10. Did you give me an incubus? Yes

    I thanked Lilith for her help, refilled the water bottle and placed it once again in the back of my fridge, for the next evening. I was surprised that it took me roughly two hours to ask all of my questions, and reach the end of the session.


12/20/20

Same preparation as the first day. The point of this session was to see if the answer varied at all from the previous day’s session. I also mixed up the order of the questions, after the first few, figuring that it gave clearer insight if they were out of order.

  1. Lilith are you with me? Yes

  2. Will you answer questions about the voice that I am hearing? Yes

  3. Is the voice that I hear calling my name from my boyfriend? Yes

  4. Does the voice’s name start with L? Yes

  5. Is the voices name Luaszo? Yes

  6. Is the second letter of the voices name U? Yes

  7. Is the voice that I hear calling my name, my ubi? No

  8. Are there six letters in the voices name? Yes

  9. Is the third letter of the voices name A, B, C, D, E, or F? Yes

  10. Was the voice that I hear calling my name created by my boyfriend? Yes

  11. Is the third letter of the voices name A? Yes

  12. Are you appearing my dreams because you want me to work with you? Yes

  13. Is the fourth letter of the voices name S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z? Yes

  14. Did you give me an incubus? Yes

  15. Does my boyfriend know that he created the voice that is calling my name? No

  16. Is the fourth letter of the voices name S? Yes

  17. Is the fifth letter of the voices name S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z? Yes

  18. Is the voice that I hear calling my name, here to protect me? Yes

  19. Is the fifth letter of the voices name Z? Yes

  20. Is the voice that I hear calling my name integrating with me? Yes

  21. Is the Sixth letter of the voices name M, N, O, P, Q or R? Yes

  22. Is the Sixth letter of the voices name O? Yes

  23. Is Luaszo my ubi? No

  24. Is the voice that I hear calling my name a shadow? No


12/21/20

Same meta as the previous two days, I was looking to see if I had consistent answers.

  1. Lilith are you with me? Yes

  2. Will you answer questions about the voice that I am hearing? Yes

  3. Are you appearing my dreams because you want me to work with you? Yes

  4. Does the voice’s name start with L? Yes

  5. Did you give me an incubus? Yes

  6. Is the second letter of the voices name U? Yes

  7. Is the voice that I hear calling my name, my ubi? No

  8. Are there six letters in the voices name? Yes

  9. Is the third letter of the voices name A, B, C, D, E, or F? Yes

  10. Yes Is the voice that I hear calling my name integrating with me? Ye

  11. Is the third letter of the voices name A? Yes

  12. Is the voice that I hear calling my name a shadow? No

  13. Is the fourth letter of the voices name S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z? Yes

  14. Is Luaszo my ubi? No

  15. Does my boyfriend know that he created the voice that is calling my name? No

  16. Is the fourth letter of the voices name S? Yes

  17. Is the fifth letter of the voices name S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z? Yes

  18. Is the voice that I hear calling my name, here to protect me? Yes

  19. Is the fifth letter of the voices name Z? Yes

  20. Is the Sixth letter of the voices name M, N, O, P, Q or R? s

  21. Is the Sixth letter of the voices name O? Yes

  22. Was the voice that I hear calling my name created by my boyfriend? Yes

  23. Is the voices name Luaszo? Yes

  24. Is the voice that I hear calling my name from my boyfriend? Yes


Some of these questions I know rare correct. Some I still need to confirm, but I am actually pretty astounded at the consistency across all three days and sessions. I expected to see variation from day to day, and that some questions might turn up with different answers, despite asking them three times each per session. As it is, I got consistent answers within each session and with each subsequent session.

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Sorry, that was emotional for me when I was posting it too. :slight_smile: Surprised me as it’s been a few years since it happened.

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Pfft! Why are you apologizing?! I’m sorry you had to go through that (even more than once). Losing a pet, even nearly losing one, is the hardest thing you can go through and I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties you’ve been through.

It’s been great to read a bit about your journey and your powers. It takes a lot of courage to post about stuff like this—real and raw—and I’m here for it.

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I’m sitting here, looking out the lone window in my living space. There’s a small window in the bathtub area, but it really doesn’t effect my day. The sun is out today, or rather it was as it’s already begin to lower from the sky and drift behind the nearby mountains.

I’m obviously inebriated, despite the early hour, because well I’m alone again so I can be, so why the fck not. But it’s obvious because the word mountains, triggered thoughts about how different the mountains are here. How small they are in comparison to the mountains out west. How dreary the winter is without sun, and how many more people there are here, even in this rural community- I’m not far from the next one. But when I was in Washington state, you could drive quite a ways before you ever hit the next town and most of them, you’d wonder why the fck they bothered giving it a towns name. Really you would.

But I’m off topic. Funny how those factors were sometimes annoying yet, they are so damned appealing in life today. Granted it was even more remote, so my getting supplies daily dilemma would be more of an issue but. I’d go back in a heartbeat. If somehow, someway, 2600 miles wasn’t a barrier to seeing my children, one that they just can’t withstand going through again until it’s their choice and not mine that there is distance between us, but if somehow that was not a problem, I’d be on the next train home.

It’s not even home, I don’t understand why I feel that way about, despite being off topic to what I wanted to note. Washington isn’t home. I have nobody there. An ex-roommate that I’ve not spoken to since May and a man with troubles of his own that I could help, but he doesn’t want my help so for now, they are troubles of his own. Yet somehow Washington is the place I call home.

So it’s not family, it’s not friends. I don’t have anyone in those departments here either, the closest would be to go back to Oklahoma, but that isn’t home. Not anymore than here is. Old friends I haven’t spoken to in 20 years sure. Family I’ve not seen since my mothers funeral, oh like 8 years ago? Old employers, small towns, explanations to give of how fckd up my adult life has been, to people who don’t care but would ask cuz curiosity is a human thing? I mean I did up and just leave and never look back. No one out there knows anything more than the bare minimum.

I think I’m good. There’s not really much I miss, other than the weather never got as cold, and snow didn’t happen. The summers weren’t humid, but Oklahoma represents all my awkward years. All the years I didn’t own who and what I was. That I let people walk over me, and use me and make fun of me, and not once did I ever stand for myself.

That’s why Oklahoma isn’t home. What excuse does Pennsylvania have? I mean I still haven’t gotten to my topic, but I swear this is more interesting ramblings anyways. At least to the topic of the journal- which is Current Past Lives. I’m not really sure I’m learning anything here, but I find how the human mind works very interesting. Especially mine, but all human minds. I analyze everything, so naturally I even analyze my own thoughts. What do they mean to me, what do I think this or that, where did that habit come from, etc.

So anyways, what does Pennsylvania, have to say for itself? 14 years is a long time, its not quite the 19 I did growing up in Oklahoma but. It’s enough, and its going to get there because of reasons so. Why isn’t this place home? Why do I hate it so damned much? Is it because most of the people to be on the rude side? Is it because weeds not legal and few are very open minded about anything, let alone weed here? Is it the long dreary winters and high humidity?

Or is it me? Is there something inside of me that just rejects this place because it’s not someplace else and none of these factors matter at all? Is it the history I have here? I don’t really have any history other than employment wise, and with my ex’s family. I was never really allowed to have friends, my step family is gone, and well I am awfully fcking alone some days. But that bothered me in Washington too. So it’s not that, because I would definitely be bothered by being alone too many days in a row, and honestly I am on a real long stretch right now, for months I’ve not left except to occasionally walk across the street to the gas station, and it seems. That I’m getting better at doing alone.

Alone last year was new and scary. I mean I’d not lived alone since I was 19 years old. I only did it then for 3 months anyways. So alone when I got here in July was scary, because even in Washington, I had a roommate, and a boyfriend. A domestic violence shelter full of woman. I was never truly alone there, even though I might go up to an entire seven days alone. There was always someone to text or call or ignore. I was overdramatic about it really, but to be fair I’d been a mom a long time. It’d only been a few years with my lung condition, so while I had already dealt with the bulk of the not being able to work drama, I had drama over being alone. Even at 11 and 13, my kids were in my face non stop. Plus I had an ex. So I thought I was real lonely in Washington, it doesn’t even begin to compare however to now, and well I’m coping pretty well there so. It’s not the loneliness

It’s definitely not the internet. I can say that with confidence cuz I wanted to try Comcast for 13 years and now that I have it, god I’ll never not have cable internet for my gaming, unless it just isn’t offered again.

So where does that leave me? What do I actually hold against this place? Is it the people who form tight little clicks in this community and laugh at you from the outside? I mean a little. This is the only place in my entire life that I’ve ever noted for being this bad about it. I mean everyone thinks they know everything about me, mostly from my ex-husbands claims, and in actuality, not one of them knows anything, unless my name and kids names and his counts. I also have to give some points here, I never could before but one of my ex-husbands aunts reached out to me on Facebook, and then her two daughters and well. Her husband and son made my ex made at them like four years ago. He’s still not speaking to them, they live like less than 2 miles apart and his reasons weren’t completely just him being a dick, but he became the biggest dick in the ordeal. But his family, the family that’s on the outs for being the black sheep and standing up for themselves, well they reached out to me. Offering support and transportation aid. Granted I’m sure I’ll never take it, because I don’t like to use people, but I mean I gotta give credit where credit is do. It was nice of them, amazing actually.

So I look back out the window, with like a tear on my cheek, because I know to an extent why this is not home and never will be. It’s because, I did a lot of wrong things. I did a lot of right things here too, but I did so many more wrong. I didn’t believe in myself. I’m a damned good and hard worker and yet, when I look back at how I moved through the ranks with employers and did so well… I still was always lazy. I like to pretend that well it isn’t so bad, … I’ve even said at least I know I gave it 100%, but that’s not fcking true. I was lazy. I’ve always been lazy. I graduated with a 4.62 gpa, 7th in my class, and that’s because I was fcking lazy.

I never once studied for anything. I always did my homework for one class in another. Teachers liked me and overlooked my rushed mistakes because they knew I could do it. I slept through 12th grade fcking English class every mother fcking day, and would score so high on my book reports that my English teacher let me sleep and didn’t care that I couldn’t grammar because I was one of the only students she’d ever had that could write a 20 page book report instead of 4, and keep it interesting without plagiarizing the book.

Lol and that’s not even getting into my adult life. To be fair, there were times I couldn’t When my kids were babies, my son cried all night, I worked second shift and my daughter got up at 6 am- while my ex-husband slept all night and I got yelled at for taking a nap. But I’m still lazy, cuz that was only a few years and I am still lazy to this day.

Also if I’m going to hold my high school self imposed failures on Oklahoma, well then no wonder Pennsylvania is not home. This is the place that I let myself get put into a tiny little cage and because I am an empath, I would never hurt anyone else to help me. I could never save money no matter how hard I tried and I could never hurt someone, to free myself. So it go worse and festered and eventually it became a situation where if I didn’t, I knew I wasn’t going to be anymore. Either my actions would end my life, maybe I’d be life in jail or dead or his would. Pretty much same scenario.

So that’s why I don’t like this place. I mean it has lots of other things against it like the weather and my lungs but. Mostly, I want to forget and move on from most of this shit and its hard. It’s hard because there’s always someone who doesn’t know or doesn’t understand or believed I was really in a mental institution for gambling till I came home in May so… I can’t. I have to face it and deal with it and yeah hiding out alone is not so bad when you just want to avoid life. No wonder being alone became so easy, cuz out there. I just don’t like explaining how I got to be where I am, and man. You either dos that when you meet new peoples or you make something up or you just don’t say but its part of me. My story doesn’t make sense without, so sometimes, it has to be told or you find me ducking under questions and hoping not to bump into that person again… like ever… in a town of 1500

I think that’s enough mind analyses for one day. I know I’ve been working up to that one for a while, I’ve been calling Washington home since the day I got back. The only thing I can determine for sure is maybe home is truly where your heart is. Maybe it’s because I had friendships there, that were amazing. The kind where you knew no matter what, the other person had your back. I left those there. I kinda miss it tbh, and I’m not stupid enough to think going back means I’ll find more of those, but the emotional attachments must, in same way influence where the home is.

Sadly now that I can get back to the original topic, it was also a mind thing. I was looking out my window this afternoon, enjoying the rare beaming rays of the sun and I noticed how dirty my window is. Not like dirty but like fingerprints and outside weather. It made me think of how my ex husband and my roommate, couldn’t stand dirty windows. To the point of ridiculousness, yet me?

I don’t even care. Not the inside, not the outside the only way I care about fingerprints on the windows, is if they are dirty or I’m trying to see and can’t see a detail because of it. But my windows facing a mountain and some houses. Nothing I’ll ever be trying to see a fine detail on. It’s amusing because I can’t stand clutter. I hate dirty dishes and laundry sitting around, I don’t like when the kids leave their bed unmade and though I hate sweeping the floor and half ass it all the time cuz it’s not actually dirty… I can’t leave it undone. So why the flying fck, don’t my windows ever need to be cleaned? I mean how does my mind work that most dirtys are bad, but dirty windows are whatever? lol what can I learn from this? I don’t even know yet, but there must be some inner significance or maybe not but I’m inebriated and well the human mind is so interesting to me. How did we get there, from here.

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This one is a work of inebriated fiction. I was angry, I was upset, I was crying and then? I was telling myself a story.

“You are sure?” I’m certain my face remained blank, but still the demon twitched, almost as if he was hurt.

“Yes milady, you have watched us diligently and you know this true.”

“Yes well, I also expected he would change his mind long before you showed up to enforce the clause.”

“My queen, you knew that would not happen as long as you did not act upon the free will clause.”

“You’re the one who always tells me nothing is set but the benchmarks, and you know I wasn’t sure he knew what he was choosing. There was a time frame given after all to ensure his awareness.”

“Well, as fate would have my queen, he’s aware and he chooses to allow you to suffer.”

The demon must have been acting before, as he did not seem to notice my fist slamming onto the table. “Is there really no other option?”

“We can go over it again, but you know the answer has remained the same. Once enacted upon in this lifetime, you are bound to the agreement. You still have a window of time to enact the free will clause, but once that window has passed, you must choose what you will do. This lifetime was a privilege- an extra but part of the agreement allowing you to take this one, is your commitment to your cause. You must meet the benchmarks, and you must keep this contract as that is your will, and his. You were certain of what you were doing when it was drafted up, to date it’s the most iron clad contract we’ve ever encountered, and you know that is why you were allowed one more before you ascend.”

“Yes well what good is it, if I am only able to meet the benchmarks? If my personal reasons for taking this lovely vacation in paradise, are unable to be met, why the hell did I agree to this? Did I not know it would happen? The Blackfoot have confirmed it, the Greek have confirmed it, the god damned Egyptians have confirmed it- this lifetime was almost entirely planned, and there are only gaps of time that were not set, only a few things that are truly choices!”

“We have began to assume that you did know this my queen, and so did your knight. We believe that is why this clause exist. You can be upset and have tantrums all day long, yet you both agreed that if he ever chose to make you suffer in this lifetime, you would do the same to him or it would cost those near to him, as well as what health he has.”

“I will never accept that.” My lip was probably sticking out as my hands moved from crossing my breast to cover my tear filled eyes. “I can’t do that to him, I can’t hurt him- just because he chooses to hurt me. I can’t, it’s unbearable and it hurts me even worse than the hurt he intentionally inflicts upon me!”

“You don’t have to accept it my queen. It already is, it already was, and it will most certainly be as you both agreed to it previously and this is not the only blood binding lifetime it’s applied to. You know this, and you may not be aware of the skill you have possessed in any lifetime, but if the measly amount of power you flex this life time puts you on edge, you cannot even begin to comprehend the sum of your power when you take your true form.”

“I don’t want it, someone else can have it, it doesn’t make happy, it doesn’t help me out, It’s wasted. I’ve been lazy this entire lifetime and I sure intend to continue to be that way, for as long as I shall suffer, because that’s all I can do.”

“Milady, all want the suffering to end and soon. We’ve felt it for months, we’ve tried to help, to ease it but it seems that the contract prevents us from doing anything effective for you. None of us feel you deserve it, and many of us are aware of accomplishments and generosity. There are truly few that oppose your ascension, for even those who do not mesh are able to recognize you have earned it ten times over with your years of service, sacrifice and skill.”

“You cannot sway me into wanting this life. Not like this, not while I have to suffer. Not while I have to make him suffer or he’ll loose even more than he already has in this life. That is not fair to me, he will never understand or forgive me or understand that was better than allowing his loved ones and health to perish and the console I might be able to take, is that at least when I reach my dying breath, I know he will feel it. I won’t be alone, I’ll never truly be alone, even if he never acknowledges the thread.”

“But you can take away his will my queen.”

“Yes, I am as aware of that, as you are of the test I’ve done to see if that clause truly applied with equality and we are both aware that it does. But what do I gain by taking way his free will? His right to choose? Would I not be doing to him what he is to me, by choosing to make suffer?”

“Perhaps so, but the clause was agreed upon by both of you.”

“Indeed it was, but I will not take away his right to choose.”

“As you wish My Lady. Consider it done.” The demon in front of me began to fade, yet I could have sworn I heard him whisper in my ear as the last glimpse ended. “Did you do everything you could? Did you truly give it your all? What about revenge my queen?”

My body sunk as I watch the minion exit the scene. “What of it asshole.” My tears fell heavily down my cheeks. My chest tightened. No, I hadn’t done everything. I chose to protect, to deflect and eventually to reflect some of it. I chose to let him have freedom, to let him not suffer because I was. To not curse him with what happened to his son, or plague him with things he wouldn’t be able to handle. He’d demanded that, and I respected it. I suffered alone so that he wouldn’t have to suffer as much. I knew he still suffered to a degree, but as long as I suffered the bulk of it, he would never have to.

I almost laughed out-loud when my thoughts finally drifted to “What about revenge?” Well, what of it? I don’t desire it. It wont help or make me happier. All it does is ensure he hurts and suffers more than he has to. I know the contract allows for it, but why would I do that to the love of my life? The man which caused me to be here this time around? The sum total of my lives is sure he’s worth the suffering so, how could I ever feel better while harming him. That is truth, and I know it within my heart. It’s bad enough as it is, he’s going to suffer because he forces me to suffer. He’s going to struggle and try and fail. Wash and repeat, for as long as he inflicts this upon me. Most of it will even come from me. Not all of it, I know the contract is embued magically and my choice has already began to effect him, though he may yet to be aware of it. I know I will be aware of much of it though. So much of it that it already hurts. It’s really not fair, isn’t it bad enough to feel my own pain and suffering without having to endure his as well?

I was gasping for air but I knew the answer. I had no choice, because I refuse to take away what he holds dear. I refuse to inflict the greater wound, to take away what matters to him. I will not allow him to loose everything because of the choice he makes and I will not allow myself to take his free will. It is done, there is nothing I can do about it. Months have led up to this, and yes there was more I could do, but none of that, was ever someting I would do- for his sake.

Will I ever be able to embrace who I am? Will I ever be able to do this and not feel as if I’m merely a pawn in a game? This lifetime was supposed to be mine. Everything in the contract, everything dredged from the pits of history and brought forward has shown, I earned this lifetime. No one does that. No one gets to negotiate an extra lifetime just because they want one more. I understand I paid dearly for it too, though I’m not even sure how dearly.

I still am not able to fully conceptualize how hierarchy amongst spirits works. I understand that the names are titles and not their real names. Like my name is Aphione and I am moving up to replace Epione. It’s been planned for thousands of years. I’ve completed my training, excelled every lifetime and quite frankly I am a spiritual try hard despite the haters I do occasionally cross in my journeys. I understand that part of my cost was fewer gifts this lifetime, but it still seems like most of them can be unlocked, even if I couldn’t enter with them. I understand in a way that this extra lifetime came at a cost, but yet you can’t just sign up for them when you’re on the brink of ascension so, I even understand how that demonstrates my total sum power in itself.

Not that I’ll ever see what I can do. Not when the suffering runs so deep. Even if it didn’t I don’t think I would ever see it, not while he refuses his role. I know my power doesn’t hinge on his, but it draws upon it, just as his does mine. I would have loved to explore it and theorize and analyze and truly learn what I could do, even with the hobbles in place… But why? Why bother when he destines me to suffer? If I am going to suffer even when I come into what is mine, then I can’t see any reason to put out the effort. I know, it’s a shame. I held a lot of promise for this lifetime even with the hobbles. I’ve done and prove myself this lifetime already. I’ve demonstrated how the hobbles don’t actually hold me back, they just delay the inevitable. I guess I knew that coming in, but it took a while to understand this time around.

So many things I understand or can grasp the corner of yet, I can’t understand an unbreakable contract. Even with basic conceptualization of my sum power, how am I that good. How is there not an entity that can break or remove this. I understand he’s more than he thinks he is, but he can’t do it either, even if he believes so. It will be futile, this is iron clad. I’ve seen generation contracts that were able to be broken, yet somehow if ours was acted upon on, in this lifetime- the option to nullify it is removed.

Unless I can find a way out, and the best of the best have not-I may truly be destined to make the one I love suffer for the rest of my lifetime, simply because he forces me too in choice. Because if I don’t then another clause is enacted, and I will wear the weight of his health and his family on my shoulders as well.

I don’t care if my office is that of Soothing Comfort or not. I simply can’t do that to him. I will not allow it.

I hear, “Is he worth it?” from somewhere in the distance. It sounds physical and yet I know that it is not. I waved both hands in the air, unsure if he could hear me, “It doesn’t even matter. You don’t have to believe and honestly no one does. He has chosen. I have chosen. We have both chosen and it is done.”

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I don’t feel it yet, but I know I will.

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2/8/21

I’m sitting here, ranting in my mind. I’m working through some things, thinking through others and the things others around me don’t know, and then I finally sat down for a smoke and I had to ask why I did it. I had to reconcile my actions with my mind, even though I knew they were right.

I had to do it for me. I had to step away in case I want this place later. Most days I’m certain I no longer need this place. I’m not really sure if I ever did, but it’s fostered accelerated learning, getting out of my shell about what I do, speaking for myself amongst simply being able to speak and think in theoretics. After all, aren’t the theoretics the most important part of my life? Maybe not, but they often lead to learning the mechanics, and knowing the mechanics means that I don’t need to flounder around and wonder which things will work when, it means I know, or I can figure it out. It means I can apply how the human mind and emotions, and magic works and I can make the best possible decisions.

I know that the quality of Renewal, from the Angel Overlords just ended yesterday, but it seems to be lingering longer than I am used to. Perhaps because it was aimed at renewing a different aspect of my life and it just happened to bleed into the next step of my life. The actual aim of that quality has yet to come in, but with the bleeding of the energy into other areas of my life, it’s pretty easy to see that it will come in, in it’s own time. The cards and spirits have been clear for weeks, that no only did I need to get a hold of my emotions and decided where I was going, but that I needed to cut things loose that no longer served me.

But how do you know what no longer serves you? Sometimes it’s obvious, but other times it’s really not. This time most of it was not, so I chose to ignore it. I didn’t take stock or step back and evaluate the people and things in my life to determine if I truly needed them or if I was stringing them along just in case. I like to have a few back pocket cards, well because a back up plan is how I’ve always rolled. If if plan A doesn’t work out, in the midst of the situation I can adapt and pull up plan K, because I can now see it’s better suited for the situation, now that I have more awareness and facts.

It wasn’t a huge surprise, though it was slightly annoying, to see that I didn’t really get a choice this time. I could either A let people walk all over me, or B stand for me and cut them loose. So for the same reasons I will plead guilty to crimes I’m not exactly guilty of, but because his mother is the secretary for the warden of the state prison, if I don’t win, he’ll own me. Damned if anyone will own me again and I’ve always been really good at running people off and burning bridges to the point they can’t be repaired so, it wasn’t like I wasn’t aware every step of the way, once these people pushed me into those corners.

I just hadn’t expected them to push. I thought I’d sidelined them and worked round it, so that I could keep them in that back pocket, just in case. But when I think of those people I’ve cut out over the last 11 days, not one of them will missed. Not one of them knew me, or about what I do or who I am, or the traumas I’ve faced in this life or how I got through them and I am still up and going meeting life one blow at a time. Not one of them has any idea what it’s like to sit here and know that I am in interim. I am waiting, or life is. I’m not really sure which it is, just that I know whatever it is I want in this life, I can have it- I just have to take the actions to get it. Dozens of opportunities lay before me, from my own work taking off like I never expected to random job offers from people I barely know. Options for friends that I can be mostly me around and options in the sex department are far from few as well. I merely have to choose my path.

I’ve since done that, but instinct prevents me from revealing most of it to anyone. Quite simply while I would swear most days my intuition is top notch, and I can spot who to avoid from the moment they pop up, I’m not always right- Sometimes I still get fooled. Not usually, but I’m at the point in life where I’m not willing to risk it, or at least not most of it. Hell one of those people I ran off this week I’ve not seen in ten years. I had no reason to trust my gut on them, yet. I found myself in a paranoid inebriated state covering all the possible things it could be that my gut was screaming about…so I just asked. Turns out people still think the broken, divorced and lonely woman won’t stand for herself. Sadly he was wrong and I was clear and now he’s gone. It was actually pretty simple, though it amused me the first like 6 hours of so of him trying to change my mind.

I figure at least he was honest when he was asked, even if he thought he could play his way out of it. That’s more than I’ve gotten from a lot of peeps in life. I mean hell, the boyfriend in Washington knew. He used to even ask about how it worked and I can’t explain it. Minor things often don’t ping my radar but the harder someone tries to hide something from me, the more likely I am to find out. I great example is the boyfriend hiding he was building a tiny house on his parents property. I’m sure I’ve told this story a dozen times, but it still amuses me how he never quite got it. See he was afraid then, as we’d only been dating something like 3 or 4 weeks, of what I would think of him building a tiny house of his own on his mothers land.

So he hid it so hard, that I dreamed about it. I dreamed we were in that tiny house- fucking, and I could look out and see her house through the window. Turned out in reality the windows were not where you could see her house, but there was really a tiny house being built not far away from theres. I’d never been there, never heard about it and the answer I got when I told him about the dream. I don’t remember his exact words, but he was over by the end of the day tell me about it and how freaked out he was. It happened many times, but the thing he didn’t ever quite get was, the harder you hide it, the more details I get. It’s way easier to just tell me, or not try to hide it. It won’t ping my radar that way.

I’m not inebriated tonight and I still lost my point. I think I was headed towards why, did I remove myself from the forum? I’ve cut many ties over the last 11 days and not one of them has mattered enough for me to feel any bit of sadness, remorse or any of that, so why do I give a shit about the forum? I’m not even sure. I guess that’s why I was letting my thoughts roam, I was trying to figure it out. I just know, I knew that I had to step back or I was going to end up without having a choice-even if I’m not sure I need the choice.

That’s price you know, when you stand up and take away someones lesson for them. Why do I do it? Why do I save people? Why do I intervene? Something in me and this whole working for the goddess of soothing comfort I guess. I always try to lesson the blows for those I care about. I won’t do it for just anyone, but sometimes I hear the calling deep inside me, and I stand up and take that blow for someone else. They didn’t deserve it or they were innocent, or they shouldn’t have to go through that or whatever. But it cost me. Every single time it’s come at a price. They didn’t have to go through the lesson, but I ended up having to suffer for it, in one way or another.

I guess I stepped away, because this isn’t my lesson. It’s someone else’s and if I took that blow for them, I’d be the one who had to pay for it. I’d be taking away my right to choose, and even if I don’t know that I need or want this, it’s still my damned right to choose and they aren’t worth it and have shown me that a few times. They quite simply don’t deserve another chance to prove me wrong about them. So my instinct to protect and save and make things easier runs deep, but I’m learning to choose my battles. Sometimes that might mean locking myself away where I can’t see it or react to it and I can pretend it’s not there, even though I won’t, I’ll worry and think on it a few more times but it’s done- I choose for me, and they can have their lesson ready or not. It isn’t my problem if they don’t see the lesson, I tried to point it out but it’s not on me to do so. Goodness knows I’m certain I have one or even a few of them coming my way anyways.

How could I not lessons coming, when Loki, Lilith, Samedi, Kalfu and my ubi walk up with a proposal. I mean I sat here and laughed at myself for like three days. Does this not promise to be a shit show like I’ve never seen before? It’s damned sure to be. I’m almost certain of it. But I choose my path, and I somehow, deep inside know that at the end of this stretch, it won’t seem as bad as it does now, or as hard as it was walk through the shit show and make it out the other side.

Funny, spirits can be so clear some days, and yet give you actually no information to go on. If I had all those little missing pieces, I wouldn’t have sat here laughing at myself before I decided to answer that call. But then, they know me. How could I not answer and possibly give up might lead to new gains, to a new place, to a new life. Isn’t that what I want, a new life? I keep saying I’d give anything to be anywhere but here- take me back a year, take me forward, I just want away from here, because while it’s not that bad, being stuck in my mind certainly leaves you wondering if it might be. I handle it alright most days, but some days… I’m not suicidal and I can’t stand pain but if I could choose to just stop existing, I damned sure would, so. How could I not answer the call and see what this shit show is going to be about? At least I can bitch if it’s not what I hoped for, but if I just ignored it and stayed here in interim…. Gosh how much can you complain about your own unwillingness to choose what the fck you want in life? I don’t think I could, at least not beyond the few people I’m willing to talk to it about. They get it, everything is there for them too, options and all but it’s hard to take actions when you’re not sure what you want so they too sit in interim, waiting for something to decide for them.

So I decided. I thought about it long and hard and about what I want this life to be like and now, I just have to go get it. Some of it’s not even that hard, seems like the act of simply deciding has opened some of the doors I wasn’t sure about. I didn’t plan out the minute details, but rather the overall scene. It’s pretty clear now that I know where I want to go. Handy, I like when things are easy almost as much as I like when they are falling apart and I have to rely on instinct to keep it together. Ah yes. I thrive in chaos. I don’t understand it, I actually hate it, yet… that is where I thrive and a look at the spirits that approached me, and something in me says they kinda do too. I don’t know them all that well, only some of them but I’m starting to look forward to the shit show, goodness only knows for sure what it’s going to bring my way.

Side note, I started the next step of my shadow working and of my path, and but it’s very much current life, so I’m separating that out to a new journal here: The Keys of Ocat: A Necromantic Journey

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2/12/21 AM

I was sitting here, reflecting. I guess you could call it that, I was thinking about the things I know, and the things I want and damned. Nothings impossible. But then I was thinking about how I was kinda glad I’m pretty much out of lifetimes on this world cuz just my lifetime things have changed. The things the future is going to hold, man I’m not sure I’d want to deal with it. I don’t know what any of it is, but I just don’t think I’ll want to deal with it. Luckily for me I won’t have to. I mean I kinda like life and learning and growing but it’s not exactly easy and this whole hobbling myself to make it more challenging…

Yeah, it’s me for sure. That or it’s someone pretending to be me, cuz that’s how I am. I make everything more challenging on purpose. My mindless games, I give myself extra objectives and goals and my crafts, if I stick with one craft I’ll make it so job like that I burn out. Doesn’t matter if it’s knitting or whatever it is. I will burn myself out by being too goal orientated because eventually I make the goals impossible. So I have to be careful about these things, if I like something and want to keep around. So it definitely sounds like it was me that made these calls and decisions and had to make it harder to prove a point.

But then, they changed the rules for me. Extra lifetimes in exchange for the hobbling. What does that even mean? Sounds impossibly crazy so I’m sure I’m buying it. It seems way more likely I pissed someone off, so this is payment for it. I mean that’s a little bit shit crazy too, but it still seems way more logical to my mind. Then I get to how it doesn’t matter. I’ve spent months trying to find that key to unhobbling myself, because someone brought up the question of, could it be done and if so how. The answer was to ask me and well quite frankly I don’t know. But, that means it might be possible, doesn’t it?

Then I continued on and got lost in this where I want to go and where should my path be taking me and all of those random future things. I ended up telling myself something to the effect of, It doesn’t even matter. Whoa, say what? That’s right. I told it to myself again, because- I had to think about it. What does that even fcking mean. It does not even matter. Oh. Fck me. It doesn’t.

I’m getting results. I’m doing damned well and things are on trajectory to land me right where I want to be. Wherever that may be. I said I picked what I wanted, but I mean it’s a little loose yet, and I’m not sure if I’ve accepted it anyways. Acceptance is a bitch ya know. I much prefer to avoid acceptance, my coping skills aren’t that great.

But I know they aren’t all that great so I cope really well, by refusing to cope at all. Eventually it passes and I don’t have to cope anymore so… it works out. I promise, just give me space to do my thing, and it’ll all come out alright. I might be taking the hard way, but I like to make things more challenging ya know? It doesn’t seem like it’s the harder way anyways, it just feels like my way instead of your way, so I’m okay with it- even if it’s the hard way.

Oh ya. It doesn’t even matter. It’s my damned life not yours. But even more. It doesn’t even matter if I can’t unhobble myself. I don’t need to. I can go where ever the fck I want to, and I don’t even need it to do so. Fck ya’ll for putting me on this stupid quest that I couldn’t finish. I didn’t have to. How dare you trick me into thinking it mattered, because it fcking doesn’t. I don’t need that to be what I want to be. Fck me for not seeing it sooner. Dammit all.

Ya’ll can keep it. I got this just like I am, and I may not have even realized it but I’ve got this, just the way I am. If I could be all that I could be, goodness knows I’d probably go on a rage fit tirade and teach everyone lessons they really didn’t anyways, so keep it. I’m good just the way I am and I don’t even need it to be this way.

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2/12/21 PM

I’m sitting here inebriated, of course and I turned on my computer fans, like the four of them instead of the normal two that cycle through on their own. I wasn’t planning on gaming, but I know I haven’t played Cod, since the last patch so. I turned it on to update and I could have sworn I heard like… a static turn on too. It’s crazy and I’m inebriated so it’s just one of those things to dismiss. But I had this crazy thought.
It went something like this:

I should be careful what I say and do when I turn my computer fans on, because I left the house the other day and their could be bugs in my computer that are so loud they can only be hidden when my computer fans are on, so they turn on when the fans do. So I should try not to use the fans.

It’s bat shit crazy because I’ve not ever done anything that would attract anyone putting bugs in my home. So, it’s crazy but. It kinda feels real, like I’ve been there before, even though I’m sure I haven’t.

I think I’ve lived that life once. Maybe in a dream, because sometimes I have bat shit crazy dreams. But, I think it was with my mother. She was always rambling about how the fbi and cia were watching us, and checking for bugs and all sorts of crazy things like that. It wasn’t real and I know I wasn’t sure at first it wasn’t real, but I eventually worked out it wasn’t real. It was all in her mind, but to her it was real and no one in the world could ever change her mind about it, so no one tried. So we lived like it was real, because that was all we could do.

So no, I know it’s not real, but that’s how deeply it effected me. That for a split second in my inebriated state, I was there again. Amazing how the new energies are bringing about what the entire purpose of this journal is about- Facing my current past life.

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I’m lowkey going through some shit- Just in case you missed that memo.

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How’s it going today? I hope better. :two_hearts:

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