This one is a work of inebriated fiction. I was angry, I was upset, I was crying and then? I was telling myself a story.
“You are sure?” I’m certain my face remained blank, but still the demon twitched, almost as if he was hurt.
“Yes milady, you have watched us diligently and you know this true.”
“Yes well, I also expected he would change his mind long before you showed up to enforce the clause.”
“My queen, you knew that would not happen as long as you did not act upon the free will clause.”
“You’re the one who always tells me nothing is set but the benchmarks, and you know I wasn’t sure he knew what he was choosing. There was a time frame given after all to ensure his awareness.”
“Well, as fate would have my queen, he’s aware and he chooses to allow you to suffer.”
The demon must have been acting before, as he did not seem to notice my fist slamming onto the table. “Is there really no other option?”
“We can go over it again, but you know the answer has remained the same. Once enacted upon in this lifetime, you are bound to the agreement. You still have a window of time to enact the free will clause, but once that window has passed, you must choose what you will do. This lifetime was a privilege- an extra but part of the agreement allowing you to take this one, is your commitment to your cause. You must meet the benchmarks, and you must keep this contract as that is your will, and his. You were certain of what you were doing when it was drafted up, to date it’s the most iron clad contract we’ve ever encountered, and you know that is why you were allowed one more before you ascend.”
“Yes well what good is it, if I am only able to meet the benchmarks? If my personal reasons for taking this lovely vacation in paradise, are unable to be met, why the hell did I agree to this? Did I not know it would happen? The Blackfoot have confirmed it, the Greek have confirmed it, the god damned Egyptians have confirmed it- this lifetime was almost entirely planned, and there are only gaps of time that were not set, only a few things that are truly choices!”
“We have began to assume that you did know this my queen, and so did your knight. We believe that is why this clause exist. You can be upset and have tantrums all day long, yet you both agreed that if he ever chose to make you suffer in this lifetime, you would do the same to him or it would cost those near to him, as well as what health he has.”
“I will never accept that.” My lip was probably sticking out as my hands moved from crossing my breast to cover my tear filled eyes. “I can’t do that to him, I can’t hurt him- just because he chooses to hurt me. I can’t, it’s unbearable and it hurts me even worse than the hurt he intentionally inflicts upon me!”
“You don’t have to accept it my queen. It already is, it already was, and it will most certainly be as you both agreed to it previously and this is not the only blood binding lifetime it’s applied to. You know this, and you may not be aware of the skill you have possessed in any lifetime, but if the measly amount of power you flex this life time puts you on edge, you cannot even begin to comprehend the sum of your power when you take your true form.”
“I don’t want it, someone else can have it, it doesn’t make happy, it doesn’t help me out, It’s wasted. I’ve been lazy this entire lifetime and I sure intend to continue to be that way, for as long as I shall suffer, because that’s all I can do.”
“Milady, all want the suffering to end and soon. We’ve felt it for months, we’ve tried to help, to ease it but it seems that the contract prevents us from doing anything effective for you. None of us feel you deserve it, and many of us are aware of accomplishments and generosity. There are truly few that oppose your ascension, for even those who do not mesh are able to recognize you have earned it ten times over with your years of service, sacrifice and skill.”
“You cannot sway me into wanting this life. Not like this, not while I have to suffer. Not while I have to make him suffer or he’ll loose even more than he already has in this life. That is not fair to me, he will never understand or forgive me or understand that was better than allowing his loved ones and health to perish and the console I might be able to take, is that at least when I reach my dying breath, I know he will feel it. I won’t be alone, I’ll never truly be alone, even if he never acknowledges the thread.”
“But you can take away his will my queen.”
“Yes, I am as aware of that, as you are of the test I’ve done to see if that clause truly applied with equality and we are both aware that it does. But what do I gain by taking way his free will? His right to choose? Would I not be doing to him what he is to me, by choosing to make suffer?”
“Perhaps so, but the clause was agreed upon by both of you.”
“Indeed it was, but I will not take away his right to choose.”
“As you wish My Lady. Consider it done.” The demon in front of me began to fade, yet I could have sworn I heard him whisper in my ear as the last glimpse ended. “Did you do everything you could? Did you truly give it your all? What about revenge my queen?”
My body sunk as I watch the minion exit the scene. “What of it asshole.” My tears fell heavily down my cheeks. My chest tightened. No, I hadn’t done everything. I chose to protect, to deflect and eventually to reflect some of it. I chose to let him have freedom, to let him not suffer because I was. To not curse him with what happened to his son, or plague him with things he wouldn’t be able to handle. He’d demanded that, and I respected it. I suffered alone so that he wouldn’t have to suffer as much. I knew he still suffered to a degree, but as long as I suffered the bulk of it, he would never have to.
I almost laughed out-loud when my thoughts finally drifted to “What about revenge?” Well, what of it? I don’t desire it. It wont help or make me happier. All it does is ensure he hurts and suffers more than he has to. I know the contract allows for it, but why would I do that to the love of my life? The man which caused me to be here this time around? The sum total of my lives is sure he’s worth the suffering so, how could I ever feel better while harming him. That is truth, and I know it within my heart. It’s bad enough as it is, he’s going to suffer because he forces me to suffer. He’s going to struggle and try and fail. Wash and repeat, for as long as he inflicts this upon me. Most of it will even come from me. Not all of it, I know the contract is embued magically and my choice has already began to effect him, though he may yet to be aware of it. I know I will be aware of much of it though. So much of it that it already hurts. It’s really not fair, isn’t it bad enough to feel my own pain and suffering without having to endure his as well?
I was gasping for air but I knew the answer. I had no choice, because I refuse to take away what he holds dear. I refuse to inflict the greater wound, to take away what matters to him. I will not allow him to loose everything because of the choice he makes and I will not allow myself to take his free will. It is done, there is nothing I can do about it. Months have led up to this, and yes there was more I could do, but none of that, was ever someting I would do- for his sake.
Will I ever be able to embrace who I am? Will I ever be able to do this and not feel as if I’m merely a pawn in a game? This lifetime was supposed to be mine. Everything in the contract, everything dredged from the pits of history and brought forward has shown, I earned this lifetime. No one does that. No one gets to negotiate an extra lifetime just because they want one more. I understand I paid dearly for it too, though I’m not even sure how dearly.
I still am not able to fully conceptualize how hierarchy amongst spirits works. I understand that the names are titles and not their real names. Like my name is Aphione and I am moving up to replace Epione. It’s been planned for thousands of years. I’ve completed my training, excelled every lifetime and quite frankly I am a spiritual try hard despite the haters I do occasionally cross in my journeys. I understand that part of my cost was fewer gifts this lifetime, but it still seems like most of them can be unlocked, even if I couldn’t enter with them. I understand in a way that this extra lifetime came at a cost, but yet you can’t just sign up for them when you’re on the brink of ascension so, I even understand how that demonstrates my total sum power in itself.
Not that I’ll ever see what I can do. Not when the suffering runs so deep. Even if it didn’t I don’t think I would ever see it, not while he refuses his role. I know my power doesn’t hinge on his, but it draws upon it, just as his does mine. I would have loved to explore it and theorize and analyze and truly learn what I could do, even with the hobbles in place… But why? Why bother when he destines me to suffer? If I am going to suffer even when I come into what is mine, then I can’t see any reason to put out the effort. I know, it’s a shame. I held a lot of promise for this lifetime even with the hobbles. I’ve done and prove myself this lifetime already. I’ve demonstrated how the hobbles don’t actually hold me back, they just delay the inevitable. I guess I knew that coming in, but it took a while to understand this time around.
So many things I understand or can grasp the corner of yet, I can’t understand an unbreakable contract. Even with basic conceptualization of my sum power, how am I that good. How is there not an entity that can break or remove this. I understand he’s more than he thinks he is, but he can’t do it either, even if he believes so. It will be futile, this is iron clad. I’ve seen generation contracts that were able to be broken, yet somehow if ours was acted upon on, in this lifetime- the option to nullify it is removed.
Unless I can find a way out, and the best of the best have not-I may truly be destined to make the one I love suffer for the rest of my lifetime, simply because he forces me too in choice. Because if I don’t then another clause is enacted, and I will wear the weight of his health and his family on my shoulders as well.
I don’t care if my office is that of Soothing Comfort or not. I simply can’t do that to him. I will not allow it.
I hear, “Is he worth it?” from somewhere in the distance. It sounds physical and yet I know that it is not. I waved both hands in the air, unsure if he could hear me, “It doesn’t even matter. You don’t have to believe and honestly no one does. He has chosen. I have chosen. We have both chosen and it is done.”