I’ve thought long and hard about the next memory, that I want to record. I’ve struggled with the fact that is a jump, only about a years worth, but a jump none the less. I wanted to do my best to keep things in order, but when the memory is relevant to my life today and why I am the way I am, I find it impossible to set aside. I finally decided several hours ago to proceed with this memory and why I am adding it into the journal prematurely. I also decided, that I will have to begin, one day soon, copying these into a new scrivener document, and making folders for each year of my life, so that I can get them in somewhat chronological order.
The story I am telling here, while it is purely for my benefit alone, would make more sense, at least in the long run, if they were in order. Or maybe they wouldn’t if you look at from the point of view, that I am journaling today and not in the past. I was going to do this when I woke up, but like always, my mind doesn’t shut off when it has something it needs to do, and I found myself going over and over what I wanted to say, so. It’s just easier to get it out of the way, even though I know I will get off target due to it being late for me, and being a rambler.
Today’s memory was brought about due to those I consider friends. I am more than a little pissed at the trio at the moment, and none of them seem to have come to the conclusion that they owe me an apology so, I am doing me and making it clear. Knowing the human mind, it’s likely not actually that clear to anyone outside of my own head, but this is how I operate and the fact that I didn’t just fall of the face of the earth, and that they do have the option of returning to my life, speaks quite a bit about where they rate to me-even if they will never realize it. See, I am really good at burning bridges and never looking back. Usually that is exactly what I do, I make sure there is no way the gully will every be bridged or crossed again. That isn’t the case this time, but it isn’t relevant either, other than the fact this led directly to the contemplation, and the memory at hand today.
See, even though I consider them friends, even though I’ve shared many details with them about my life and situation, things that only a one other person knows, things that I don’t share with just anyone, they doubt me. Or at least one of the trio does and has said it often. In fact he’s compared me to a ridiculous person, that we all know makes frequent ridiculous claims- all the while we can FEEL that he is for the most part, a fraud- an attention seeker. This is because of the two week intensive I did in August. Apparently my claims are ridiculous, undo able and goodness only knows what else.
Well. No shit Sherlock.
Why the fck do you think, I refused to elaborate on my work, despite the fact we always discuss my work. I knew no one would believe what I was doing, I knew no one in their right fcking mind, would even attempt to do, what I did. It was bat shit crazy, it put me at high risk for getting lost, and I knew it. As such I used the long distance call method during that intensive and while I did have some amazing experiences, that for the most part, I kept to myself; I also knew- this wasn’t a test. I went from having no idea what I needed to do for weeks, to bam, within a ten minute time frame, I had the frame work for a crazy, intense, two week set of rituals. I spent an average of 4.5 hours per day in ritual.
As such, there where things I did different than what is considered normal operations. For example, I daily called upon 13 angels from Damon Brand’s 72 Angels of Magick. I used his main ritual, but reworded the last few lines, to *connect me to the great angels of the universe, rather than naming a specific angel. I used this as an opening ritual, proceeded through each of the 13, then closed as written, but for all 13 at once. See, the rituals the exact same, Raziel was already present and to recall an angel that is right here- simply seemed redundant, as well as a waste of time. Apparently this means I just have to reinvent the wheel, when really I was just being smarter than the average bear in my opinion, not that completing thirteen rituals for 11 days, instead of 1 for 11 days is smart. But if you’re dumb enough to do 13 rituals instead of 1, you might as well be smart about how the fck you do it imop.
I am a rambler and quite frankly I don’t really care, in many ways the rambling is relevant- even if only to me. To get back to the point, I don’t share when I do shit like this, cuz I know exactly how stupid and bat shit crazy it sounds. That was the most intense experience I’ve put myself through, probably the most worthwhile and likely the most successful set of workings I’ve ever done, stupid and crazy or not so the world can go fck themselves, I’m not talking about it with the average person, I clearly learned the age of 3, that the world doesn’t see the shit I do, and I know better than to bring it up.
Usually. Once in a while I trust someone, enough that I think I can discuss the experiences I have had. Thank goodness this is the only major one I shared, and while it was the biggest and longest duration, as well as the only time I’ve done rituals that had to be repeated at all, it’s not uncommon for me to prefer major works over minor. I don’t want to go into ritual, unless it’s going to be a big ordeal. As such I often go through funks, where I do no magic at all- either I am struggling to stay grounded, or it’s not challenging enough.
Ah there it is. Did you catch it? That’s the point of today’s entry. It’s not challenging enough. Every other time I’ve amended rituals, it’s either been because I had too, or because it was clear that things were added to put the magician into the correct mindset, or even to throw them off the right track. I like to think I have a knack for discerning these things, clearly my dumb fuck friend doesn’t agree, but that’s okay- he’s not me.
So anyways. The point is, I recently started a new routine. It’s a big one and I like it a lot. It’s not nearly as intense by any means, as the works I did in August. It is however, bat shit crazy and stupid to do.
But only for everyone not me. See I got problems man. I can’t do anything easy, like ever. When I was a working woman, I was always the employ, that could do every position in the building. I was always the one offered more money to stay when I left, the one who climbed the ladder faster than the rest. I valued work ethics and well, to be a little vain, there’s been few things in life, that IF I put my mind to it, I couldn’t learn. Grammar is unfortunately one of those few things, astounds me, but that’s a story for another day. I play mindless phone games, but usually only ones that either have goals, quests or keep high scores. My favorite at the moment is a merge block game, similar to Tetris but instead of funny shapes you’re merging numbers. The trouble is, I’m not happy with just doing well. I’ve got to beat my own score every damned time I open it. I’ve got to make it harder, by intentionally dropping blocks random patterns that will be hard to clear, I…hobble myself, in almost everything I do.
It’s way more fun if you do well, and you had to earn it. I know the world certainly doesn’t see life this way, but gosh. I was disabled at the age of 30 and I had enough work credits to fully retire. How many of you can say that. I know a few, but for the large part, not everyone. I took it hard being disabled, but looking back, one thing I can say is I am proud of me. I may not have had a full life, in the hard assed middle class, but. While I was there, I busted ass and did my best and I earned everything that came from it. Job well done, and since I can no longer do that, I am proud, that I did it while I could.
I keep getting off track but it’s still part of the relevancy so, go somewhere else if you don’t like it. Plenty of dumb fck threads, that are just as crazy, shorter and more interesting anyways. Don’t stay here for my sake- I got this.
Point is I need to be challenged. Once again I had no idea where I was going magically. I’ve done a lot for someone who has technically only practiced for two years this month. Now it’s been pointed out, that a lot of the skills I use in my magic, have been with me my entire life, but. I didn’t know what they fck they were, or how to best use them and many things. They were there, to a lesser extent I had explored them, but not like I have the last two years. I’ve covered a lot of ground, I’ve garnered a lot of results, honestly. Once again I am pretty proud of me, despite the fact that I continuously take a month off at a time. See, some of it is laziness, some of it is lack of challenge, some it is I sometimes struggle to stay grounded, but a lot of it? A lot of it is quite simply the brain needs time to process. A lot of shit has happened since August. Unbelievable fcking shit.
I can’t just keep going, when I need to process what’s happened, what’s been learned, how does it apply. See, some of it seems random at first glance, but. Most of the time if a spirit or being draws attention to something, they have a reason-even if you can’t see it today. They aren’t pointing shit out just cuz they can, they given me a puzzle piece, and now I have to see how it fits, or applies. Why do I need to know about past lives and my relation to certain gods etc. I’m not working with those things, I’m not interested… I made that clear more than a few times. So, the information’s been shoved down my throat and well. Gosh there must be a reason right? Yeah there is. That’s not for me to share today, and likely not every aside from sharing with the boyfriend.
God it was good to share again, to converse with someone that knew me, 100%. Someone who knew my experiences, someone who’s witnessed some of the crazy shit I’ve done, and someone who knew I had some of these questions, months and years before the answers came. It’s good to have him back, I missed that a lot.
I’ve not really spoken to him about the new routine, and likely won’t until something interesting comes from it. He is always willing to discuss whatever I like, but right now, it’s mostly just a routine, he’s familiar with how I operate and so there isn’t actually anything to discuss to date.
But, that brings us back to the question. Why the fck are we here journaling today. Right, I forgot again. It’s because I have this innate need to be challenged, my friend has thrown it in my face, and not in a nice chummy way and I had to ask myself. Why do I do this? Why do I make everything harder. Why do I need to earn it to feel like I succeeded?
The answer is I don’t know. I have no fcking idea why I hobble myself, be it mundane or spiritual.
BUT. I do know I’ve done it almost my entire life. That is why we are here today- there is a memory of my childhood, after all.
I was about six years old, I believe it was during the summertime. I remember going to kindergarten previously, but not being in school at this time. My mother had taken me to the skating rink, Skate World, for a birthday party. I’d never skated in my life, and while she walked along side me and tried to help, it was a dismal failure.
My mother eventually abandoned me to socialize with the other mothers. That left me hanging on to the railing, in the dim rink, while I watched the more experienced children and skaters blow by me. I watched an older man, maybe 40’s, who was wearing a black t-shirt, skate with what I assumed was his wife. They did amazing moves, turning backwards, spinning around real fast, dropping real low, you know the drill. But I was close enough to the left entrance of the rink, to be able to hear my mothers conversation from the orange booth nearby. I didn’t recognize the voice of the coupe she was conversing with, but I did comprehend the words. I don’t remember them exactly but the gist of the story was, I’d never skated before and while it was kinda sad watching me cling to the railing and stumbling over my own feet, I wasn’t ever going to get it. I was too old, I’d never been skating, I wouldn’t ever be skating unless there was a party and well, this time it wasn’t going to happen and it just likely never would.
I must have known the words FCK THAT, at the age of six. I don’t remember making the decision, I just remember doing. I don’t remember thinking about it, I don’t remember taking time to think about it or anything. I just knew, I was going to show those assholes, that they may be adults, but they had no idea what they were talking about.
I let go of the railing, took a deep breath and off I went. Left, right, left. I’m sure it was hilarious due to the lack of fluidity and experience but by the time I’d been around three times, I heard someone say wow, look at her go, she’s doing better the most of the other kids. HAH. Take that mother fckers, I win again.
I never put another pair of roller skates on my feet, but not because I couldn’t learn to roller skate. It was because roller blades, were the popular meta of my generation and well, I became a pretty amazing roller bladder a few years later, rarely missing a weekend at the rink, all night skates, however were my favorite.
So now that I’ve gotten to the point, I guess I feel I teased you enough on the details of my new routine that I might as well blow the stack and fill you in so that I can wrap this bat shit craziness up, and pretend this post never happened. We aren’t going to discuss it, idc how crazy or stupid or unbelievable, or no one could do that, that you think it is. Take it else where, gossip about it, idc what you do with it, other than I don’t want to hear it.
It’s actually funny to a lesser extent. See that dumb fck friend has been contemplating full immersion into the angelic current for what seems like months. I don’t even know if he ever made another move on it. I have always considered angels to be on the lesser side of my skills and as such, other than the intensive in August, have rarely worked with them, till now. He wanted all in, and turns out its me that’s pretty much going all in. I didn’t plan it tbh, I don’t know where this one came from, I have an idea based on who I was working with right before the full plan unfolded, but well that’s for me to know you to wonder about for life. Hehe. At any rate, I’ve purchased or downloaded through Kindle Unlimited, several books on angels. I have no fcking idea why, I just keep coming across the same books and finding myself incredibly interested in working through them.
But gosh, it’s not very challenging to work through one book at at time, at a really slow pace.
It’s just not.
I am doing it similarly to the intensive in August, in that I have one group of workings that will take longer than rest, I also have my kids now two days a week. There is only two books in the group that require doing a ritual more than once. So the longer of the two set my time duration. 7 weeks. See, Damon Brand’s Success magic, talks all about how you should do each ritual for 7 days. He says you can interpret that as 3 times a week over 7 days, or once a day over 7 days or whatever you want, so long as you cover 7 days. I don’t like to skip days, so once a day for 7 days is exactly what I am doing. But I am not doing one ritual at a time. See, I am doing 7 rituals, each once per day for 7 days, then I go on to the next set of rituals. I am otherwise following his directions exactly and while I’ve been accused of reinventing the wheel, my buddy doing these adds things to them-despite the fact that Damon Brand discourages that, even goes so far as to make it sound like doing that is a waste of time or might hinder the workings. So fck your wheel, you can have it, I like mine better anyways.
This is actually my favorite magic out of the entire routine so far. I am only on day four, these rituals are not really that long, I did pre-write out the sounding of the angels names and the words you need to say, to make it easier than flipping pages and so that I could devote my eyes to the sigils as I contemplate the foundation lesson of each. This magic feels amazing. By the time I get to saying the words and the angelic names or whatever is listed to say allowed, I feel like my entire body is vibrating. I feel good, I feel amazing, and boy I just might vibrate out of my freaking body lmao. I can’t even explain, how it feels when I do the motion, giving the gain of the ritual to all of humanity. Doesn’t even matter that I know no one but me will be effected, it feels great, like on Christmas, when I got nothing, but I get to watch someone I love open what I got for them, and how happy they are because, I get gifts that say I know you, I know what you are about.
Anyways moving on. If that sounded bat shit crazy you are going to love the rest of it. Jump forward to after I’ve spent 41 minutes in rituals, taken a piss break and had a cigarette. Now you find that I have becomes obsessed with the two Raziel’s pathworking’s books. Not obsessed, but for someone who can’t make pictures in their minds, gosh I love these pathworking’s. I already knew, that I was going to be working on this project for at least 49 days, but I have my kids two days a week. For sake of being sure I am able to complete the Success Magic rituals everyday, I have removed 14 days to cover when I have my kids. I’ve then added up the number of angels in both weeks and divided that by 35. This means I am doing pathworking’s for 5 angels per day, excluding Raziel. I hand wrote out the ritual, I follow it exactly, I pre-choose one request, basically almost exactly as their abilities are written in the book and then I begin. I do Raziel’s, the angels, then what do you know, you go back to the begging to end it… gosh that makes it real easy to smoothly move into the next angel.
I know I don’t spend long on the images. I can’t, I mean I can’t fcking see them. But, I can feel them. It only takes me about 2 minutes to go through the set of four. Funny story I can’t see them, but I am on day four and the last two days, I’ve gotten impressions of them. When I say impressions, it’s like if I were looking at the horizon, as far away as I can see; like a memory, just barely an outline of what’s there. But gosh, I spent over 2 years, doing exercises for those with anphantasia and still don’t even get after images, so how the fck am I getting impressions of these pathworking’s, and why do I get more details in each image, every time I do them?
Har-har. Maybe the point of this is to un-hobble my damned self. I have other points, but that most surely was the clearest when this plan was broached to me. It won’t complete the process, but if I understand, it’s going to jump start it. So from here we move on to Tristan Whitespire’s 84 genies. Interesting enough while they aren’t Djinn, I’ve worked with almost half of these, thinking they were Djinn, over the last year. I’m dong the same thing as above, following the ritual exactly, summoning and then making my pre-selected request, and going back through the ritual all over again. It isn’t a long and complicated process, it doesn’t even require fully opening the sigils given, but they do that anyways and to cover 35 days, I only need to do three a day. The entire process takes less than half an hour.
Then I move on the to 7 Occult Money Rituals by Henry Archer. All in all, not counting the first and last ritual, you need at least 16 days to cover these. I won’t be doing the last ritual as it is for gambling and the first ritual I did complete in a single day, so my log shows 4/17. Time duration is clearly going to vary as the rituals change dramatically, but with only 17 days needed, other than the one long 11 day ritual, I won’t be doing these on days I have the children.
So that’s the bat shit crazy routine and well, for me it’s amazing. I look forward to it each day since the first already and clearly I am going to have the Oomph to keep to it, as I did with the intensive in August. I am even proud of myself, as the intensive in August took me 4.5 tries to get going, but this one I only needed one good go and I was off. I know 4/49 doesn’t sound like much, but I already know I will do it. I also know I’ve got only about 2.5-3 hours of magic per day in this. That’s great, I won’t be rushed for time, I won’t have to worry about the side projects or any of that, nearly as hard as I did with intensive in August.