Nonsensical Rants.
Man, I’m grouchy today. I’m not grouchy because I failed to do what I needed to, or because I didn’t figure it out or any of those things. I’m grouchy because I didn’t sleep enough, again and the world expects me to run on their clock which I pretty much feel is bullshit, considering the number of hours I sit around available. Just so happens the one time in weeks I turn my phone off, I miss my landlord actually wanting to fix something, that really really needs fixed.
Of course my boyfriend says oh there’s always next time, except he doesn’t seem to comprehend the basic it doesn’t work that way, so I give up on him and trying to explain other peoples actions and how missing someone when they actually decided to do something, means they won’t be bothered unless I once again hound them about, and then I’ll hear all about how I missed it, and it will be an excuse to let the issue perpetuate for days, weeks or even months.
Whatever. Been there, done that, why bother explaining it yet again, when I wasn’t heard the first time.
The point of this entry wasn’t to vent, even if that’s what I actually needed, someone who could listen, instead of someone who can only hear themselves but. Whatever on it all, because todays entry is actually about my new dead friend, and about how I am now pretty confused about life.
I tried sleeping this morning, and after something like six hours of failing to go to sleep, which no one ever believes, as they seem to think it’s a lack of my climbing into bed, rather than realizing I actually know myself and when it’s a waste of time to bother. Kudos to you asshole for thinking you know me that well when the truth is you haven’t got a clue. Back to the point, I failed to sleep so figured I would get on with my operation as planned, and then take a nap later. The nap won’t happen, because now I’m waiting to see if my landlord can be bothered to answer me, since I missed him.
To get back on target, and off my angry at people who don’t hear the words I say, no matter how plainly I say them, because they just need everything in life to be happy go lucky and can’t be bothered to see the real facts, I couldn’t sleep, so time to operate. I’ve been meaning to focus more on my projecting and journeying skills, as that is an area of my practice that I’ve been neglecting since obtaining a boyfriend. Most other things roll as they normally do, but his insistence that he sleeps better when I’m on the other side of a pretty much dead call, means the amount of time in a day I’m able to do so, is rather limited.
You can learn a lot about a person, from listening to them sleep. It’s not something I’ve ever considered before, but I’ll be real and admit I’ve had trouble sleeping at times and watched others sleep. I think anyone whose ever had babies, has found themselves watching them sleep at some point. Be it worry because they are sick, or awe because that life was created by you, or something else all together. I don’t think that I will ever figure out however, why people think they can do that shit without startling you awake as adults. I do pretty well with ignoring it, but that whole being watched thing, man you can feel it deep inside you, even when you’re checked the fck out, so while I’ve always managed to keep my cool with someone who thought it was interesting to watch me sleep, I don’t fcking get it. But I’ve managed to do a lot of listening to others sleep in this lifetime, which I do somewhat get- but it’s not on purpose.
I clearly lied to ya’ll. I need to get this rant out of my mother fcking system, if you want to heart about my operation. So anyways, the point was that I don’t sleep very good at a night. I never have, my entire life I’ve struggled to sleep when it’s dark outside, unless I’m so mother fcking blasted, that I essentially need to pass out, or will pass out, rather than keep functioning. It’s a handy little tidbit, but it’s not something I can produce in my life on a daily basis. I sleep super light, so light that every move of a baby in a bassinet next to me, would wake me up, so light that my children in the other room coughing wakes me up, so light that every obsessive move of a man, trying to figure out how to put all fcking six foot of himself into contact with my 5’2” wakes me up.
So I sleep like shit, then I hear about how well at least you slept some, because I’m apparently the only person on the world who would rather not sleep at all, than be interrupted every time they finally get into some sort of sleep cycle. Every morning, I ignore something to the effect of Good morning love, on the other end of the phone, because god dammit, it’s finally morning hours, where I can sleep deep and someone’s being mushy and affectionate, rather realizing I still haven’t slept properly for one reason or another that was beyond my mother fcking control.
I’d give anything to sleep soundly while it’s dark out, but honestly the only time I ever sleep deep and I’m not inebriated, is if I am sleeping between dawn and around 5pm. I’ve been this way since childhood, I would lay away, night after night reading books, and then when the weekend came? I’d sleep all mother fcking day. With my last boyfriend, I’d either be so inebriated I’d pass out, or I’d toss and turn with short sleeps until he went to work, and then I’d sleep. I spent many hours laying next him, listening to how he slept, picking up on the patterns of breathing, learning from his movements and his breathing, when he was dreaming and so on. It’s really nice to be held, to sleep in tandem even though it means every time the other person moves, I wake up and need to readjust to be comfortable. But it means that I don’t sleep as well as they do, hardly ever.
I’m super sleep deprived, and it’s wearing on my patience, because the people in my life, expect that if they see any sign of being awake when they wake up, I should be ready to get up, or they just can’t contain themselves from talking to me or whatever it is that motivates them to start talking or interacting with me, if I so much as move or blink and they catch it. My son does this when he’s here, the boyfriend does it whether he’s here or not, so it leads to me pretending to be asleep when I’m often not. Thankfully for me, I mastered that a long time ago, and I’m grouchy enough, to pull it off in person, when I’ve only had real short sleep cycles.
The boyfriend thinks his work from home plan is going to be great, and honestly. I think he’ll probably end up single, cuz I’ll never be able to sleep and I’m clearly a damned bitch when it perpetuates more than a few days and becomes an ongoing issue.
I remember now why I am that way. The rest is disgust at fellow human beings.