I had this grand idea, probably a month or so ago, that it would be fun to work through grimoires, with other occultist. The idea came up in a conversation, related to the fact that neither I, nor the other person really care for the MFWB groups. (Magical Friends with Benefits). I think we have slightly different reason, but point is we don’t really doing work for others, other than the occasional experiment to see how things work out, or for someone really close to us with a need. There were other idea that passed between us, but I recently saw @ReyCuervo in the lounge looking for more magical work and wanting to keep his magical ass busy with magical things.
I brought up the book club idea, gave the thoughts that it would be cool for a bunch of us to work through the same grimoires at the same time and essentially compare notes, how things felt yada yada and so on, what have you and what not. I was really surprised to see how many people reply that they would be interested in doing something like that.
Originally, I didn’t want to be the leader of anything, I have motivational issues after all. I then realized, that as a group of experienced magicians, we wouldn’t need a leader per say, plus no one volunteered or launched a thread with the premise and I do want to be an active part of the discussions and all of that. So I launched the thread myself.
We chose the new Jared Tempest grimoire, The Angels of Omnipotence. It’s a really interesting book, on a subject that isn’t really well covered modernly or much at all as far as I’ve seen, and it seems to have more options than any grimoires I’ve paged through for the 72 demons, or angels. If you’re interested in more than the gist of the story, pick up the book or join the club :P. The author mentions, going through an initiation ritual, that he declines to give. @Dralukmun managed to find one internet article on the subject, and the poster talks about their experience with it, they essentially received in a past me a note type scenario, and then compared notes with the person who gave them the overview, and both had similar experiences and requests of the nine angels.
It seems to be the only internet article on the nine angels so far to date. That alone catches my interest, and then I believe Tempest also mentions that he found it unnecessary, but lead me to believe that he thinks it caused some of the turmoil he experienced early into the workings. As such, I’m real interested, and in have been tossing the idea of going through a similar ritual myself, back and forth for some time now. I originally thought, why bother if it’s not necessary, but rereading the article, and the fact that the posters request had to do with obtaining justice for something long gone and in the past, well gosh. I think I have similar situation.
I have however, been putting off the initiation ritual, for the Angels of Omnipotence. I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me honestly. In the past, I just thought things through, considered my options and then dove right in head first. But lately? Gosh I not only procrastinate, I over think things.
I’ve always over thought things, but usually it’s obvious to me, and everyone who will hear me out, that over thinking is what I am doing. Lately it’s not. It’s not only not obvious to those in my life, it’s not even obvious to me. Instead of the thoughts running the foreground of my mind, forcing me to examine and consider them from every mother fcking possible angle…
They are lurking in the background. They are creeping and crawling through the darkest recesses of my mind, and not even letting me know they are there. I notice I procrastinate more, when I have lurking thoughts of unsure nature. Lurking what ifs. Normally I just over think things, make a rash but logical decision and then carry on riding the waves of what happens.
Now, I just delay things, waiting for someone to tell me what the best option is, waiting for my mind or my gut to give me a clue. I just don’t even think about whatever it is. It’s almost like a void, or emptiness rather than an over thinking. It’s kinda strange to be honest, and I’m not really sure why it’s happening. In a weird sense, it reminds me of how I sometimes trance out, neither awake nor sleep- just in an endless sea of nothingness that I can recall, until I decide to get up because I’m not accomplishing whatever goal I set out about. I’ve found myself trancing out for hours, knowing I thought, but having no idea what those thoughts were.
Almost every instance has been much longer than it felt like. It’s almost concerning, because while I’m certainly not living life tranced out as a full time occupation, my over thinking is no longer the forefront. I’m not over thinking anything, in fact- anything that bothers me, is a problem, could be a problem etc, is simply not being thought about at all.
I went from daydreaming about the future, pretend scenarios of what could be, someday down the line- to living in the moment, every moment. Sure I have some what ifs and doubts I’ve expressed here and there about the boyfriend, but honestly, I had to really drag those up. They weren’t just here for my thinking pleasure, instead they were lurking in the background, waiting for me to dredge them up. I wasn’t even that worried about them, not compared to the shit show I’ve made them out to be.
So, I’m experiencing some sort of detachment from my thoughts, from planning, from day dreaming. Maybe it’s because I’ve struggled to figure out what I want in life and where I am going, and for some aspects of my life- no one really has any idea what is going to happen exactly or what needs to be done to either get me out of the situations and into better ones, or how to diffuse and eliminate them.
I guess that’s where I am going with the Angels of Omnipotence. Not to help me over think again, but to get rid of this one situation that has been a monkey on my back for the last two years, and a burden on my shoulder the 13 years prior. I have some what ifs, and what will I do ifs, and some minor worry that it will not only blow up in my face, but I’ll fail to fix it. I realized I was putting off this work, and I had no good reason to do it at the forefront of my mind, so I was able to on the trigger thought, dredge up the what ifs and reasons that I might not want to make the decision, I had already made.
I realized pretty quickly, these were all objections, some were logical, some come down to it being a calculated risk and some are just to feed the drama of over thinking. But they weren’t the real reason I’ve been avoiding it, the real reason is- I’ve just not been thinking about it, and I’ve not done the over thinking, that I normal do, to prepare myself as I have been living, quite literally every moment, in the moment.