Love that song! 
2 Likes
19th June, 2021
19:57
Tomorrow there’s a family function, and I’m dreading to go. I don’t like them. It’s a family for namesake and we need to go out of obligation. I’d say fuck that, let’s stay home. But no, FamiLY. Family that bitches about you when you’re not there.
“If someone calls you a bitch, don’t wag your tail at them, bite them.”
This is what Lucifer told me, and he put into words something I feel strongly about. I don’t like tail waggers. If you have an option to get away and live without stress then why are you still hanging on to a bone?! I’m tired, so tired.
By noon I was completely drained of my energy, my “nap” turned into 2 hours. It was good sleep though. I felt better by evening, I’m more adjusted to demonic energy than I was 3 days ago, so that’s progress.
Please tell me your favorite grounding methods, else I’m gonna land myself in trouble because I cannot figure out how to properly ground. Today’s dinner is pizza!!! I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.
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Eating n sleeping
Also a BM n shower
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What’s a BM?
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Bowel Movement
…it helps if one focuses and the hurt, pain or negativity into the stool prior to “moving” it
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Ooo. The bathroom is the best place for everything 
(except eating of course:joy:)
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20th June, 2021
19:05
Family function was fine. The glamor that Azazel taught me yesterday fucking WORKS wonders. Hail King Azazel!
As for the rest of the day, I’m doing shadow work so…yeah. I’ve burst into tears so many times…Lucifer is truly amazing. Truly, there’s so much he’s helping me with 
Highlight: I was able to successfully make a babbling uncle shut up for a while, he went on and on and on about things, it’s not the fun kind . It’s the know it all kind, we were TIRED. Thank you to the one who made a post here on how to do that, I can’t find it in my bookmarks but I remembered it.
I have no idea what’s for dinner but I want cheese. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.
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Can I pm you? It’s about Azazel.
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…oops. yeah fo sho
…interesting 1:11am your msg. came thru
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woah
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21st June, 2021
17:36
I’m sitting on the terrace right now, occasionally there’s a good wind blowing. I usually invite Lucifer when the weather is good, so that we can both enjoy it. Today I froze something which I shouldn’t have put in the freezer, oh well. Won’t happen next time.
I finally wrote down what Azazel taught me yesterday, I’m adding it here in case my dogs somehow find my BoS and tear it again. It has already happened twice. I’m gonna be heartbroken if it happens a third time.
It’s something you probably know already, it’s R-18 so here’s that warning. I think it can be classified as alchemy? I don’t know.
Today’s dinner is good. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day ahead.
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2 Likes
Yes, I wholeheartedly agree!! Have not ejaculated since last lunar eclipse. If I feel pressure or tension in a certain center I’ll focus on another where I want the energy to go. I don’t really visualize, I’m more kinesthetic with energy body work. Some interactions are orgasmic, yet without the sharp peak n release of ejaculation, more like building waves of ecstasy in warm tropical waters…moving, or raising the energy IS the essence of alkhemy 
⚕ 
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It’s certainly a much more fulfilling feeling. Didn’t leave me tired after it was done.
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22nd June, 2021
18:50
Today I trained in defense with Michael. I didn’t last 5 minutes because I got tired. My back hurt but I took a nap and moved around my energy so it’s fine now. Michael is quite sarcastic, dry humor maybe? But I did enjoy the training session. I had fun although it was tiring. I need to train regularly with him for at least a week to increase my stamina in general. Lucifer was in his fatherly aspect today.
I wrote a small fic today too, an idea that I just needed to get out. It felt good, writing again. I love writing, I want to publish a book one day, a fantasy book. I was so giddy while writing it…
My parents were out last week, they’re coming back tomorrow, which means I won’t have the leisure to meditate properly anymore, and will only have to meditate in spurts of 15 minutes and not longer that I prefer doing. I have decided to use the “relighting” birthday candles we have at home for some magickal workings, they’re extremely thin but it’s something. I don’t want to reuse the same stump of candle I’ve been using anymore.
Ah well, today’s dinner is corn but my sis hasn’t made it yet. I used to be quite jealous of some things till I realised that we’re at different parts of our lives, so now I’m mad about other things because she has hurt me. I have been used as an emotional scapegoat by my family too many times. I have derailed again ah…
I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!
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3 Likes
23rd June, 2021
18:00
The full moon is tomorrow, and I’m ready for the tides to take over. I’m letting go of the reins for once, so that I may learn through my struggle what pushes me forward.
Loki told me yesterday,“What is time travel if not a separate state of mind? Time isn’t linear, you just got to figure out how to do it.”
It didn’t really make sense yesterday, but my subconscious has understood what he meant. It’s only a matter of me conciously tapping into it. I also had a conversation with Lucifer at Camp today, something for right now, and a later time is well.
L: There’s something troubling you, what is it?
M: It’s tiring.
L: It is.
M: It feels like a burden, it weighs heavy on my back but when I put it down I feel lonely and without direction…
M: It’s tiring.
L: It’s good to take breaks, and to learn when’s the right time to take them.
M: What if I’m too tired to even figure it out?
L: Then it’s too late. The most efficient way is not always the quickest.
L: Do not ride the tide without an anchor, you’ll end up on another shore.
M: So metaphorical…
L: 'Tis the way ^^
Couldn’t get through with the lesson with Michael today, I suddenly started falling through rings of clouds but I wasn’t afraid. Lucifer had to snap me out of it. Then I had to take a nap. I was able to dodge much better than yesterday though. I also painted my nails!
Today’s dinner is patal (idk the English name of this vegetable) and potato curry with roti 
. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!
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Edit: A picture of the clouds today.
6 Likes
24th June, 2021
17:52
As a beginner, I never saw much talk about magickal burnout on all those witch YouTube videos. They should talk about it. I don’t know what my limits are, and I’ve been going overboard since 2-3 days.
Today I got extremely anxious. Then I had a meltdown. I bawled my eyes out and apologized to Lucifer, I don’t know why. I was trying to chant his enn but my voice didn’t move forward from “Renich”. Maybe that’s the reason, or that I always had to put up a mask of doing great when I was waking up in the middle of the night with cold feet, constantly living up to the pressure of someone I’m not sure was even me.
I have a headache now, but I don’t feel as exhausted as I used to after a meltdown. I did an experiment at Camp today. After a few more trials I’ll make a post about it. I’m doing it with Loki.
My mum is coming back today. Training with Michael went well. It was close range today.
Today’s dinner is Puri sabji, it’s delicious. I would be more excited, but I’m tired…
I hope everyone who reads this has a good day.
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3 Likes
25th June,2021
18:18
M: Burn me
L: [name], I cannot burn you.
M: What’s the root of all alchemy if there’s no fire to ignite the reaction? Share me your fires, and set me aflame so that I may watch the smoke. I’ll wash away the ashes in the dark waters Mother showed me last night.
M: Then I’ll step out into the sun and let both the light and dark flow in vessels like my blood. So that I may be born anew.
L: (brushes away a lock of hair) The fire you need is already within you. I gave it to you a long time ago. Find your match and light it.
Edit: L here 
is Lucifer.
Today I went to Mother Lilith to talk after I received a scan which said she and her sisters are my primary guides right now. As always, I will be writing down our conversation, Mother is M and I am M. I am also attaching images of what I saw, and a screenshot of a text I sent a friend describing a vision (?) I had before sleeping.
I went to the left of the rock at Camp, where Lucifer and I usually talk. There was a small pond, filled with water, and all I had to do was jump in to reach there. I did, and emerged on the other side shivering because of the cold.
In front of me, was Mother, around her, 3 sisters (about whom I learnt today). Mother was holding a cup, she smiled when she saw me, and put down the cup.
I stood in the pond, clutching myself and muttering nonsense, seeing all of them together, I was in awe.
M, to her sisters: Ah, [name] is here. (To me, N from now on) What are you doing there? Come up.
I walk up, and kneel down in front of them. The sister on the right gives me a towel and wraps it around me.
M: Mother( I greet her)
M: Why are you here?
M: I uh, I don’t…know.
M: Hmm, have you looked under your cloak?
M: (I shake my head) No
M: Drink this.
It is a red liquid, soupy in viscosity.
M: Is it juice?
M (laughs): No, my dear.
M: Wine, then?
The sisters smile.
M: The blood of all the men we’ve slain.
M: Ohh.
I smell it once, and take a sip.
M: It’s salty.
Mother nods.
I quickly down it all, smiling and wiping away what dripped out.
M: Give it time now. You’ll understand soon.
I zone out for a while, when I come to, she’s still there.
M: [N], look under your cloak.
I was shy.
M: It’s okay, it’s just us here.
I unbutton the clasp.
M: Oh
M: Well?
M: I’m naked.
M: Yes
M: You always loved your breasts.
M, I chuckle: I still do.
M: Do you understand now?
Realisation hits me and takes me by storm, and I pull the cloak closer to myself.
(A/N: Just insecurities, don’t worry)
M: Yes
M: Do you know what you must do now?
M: I know that you do not wish to birth a child, and that’s completely fine. But you must not ignore the “mother” inside you. Your maternal instincts, and all the pain it brought you.
M: Giving away too much, receiving nothing.
M: I got a little…
M: It was nothing. Do not lower yourself so much that you have to dig through to find what you recieved.
M: I want you, to stand in front of a mirror, naked. Look at yourself, bring forth the shame and banish it. Embrace yourself, you must learn alchemy. Transmute the shame to empowerment, pain to strength, anger to confidence, and sadness to happiness and love.
M: Your wounds, they’re deeper than you realise, [N]. You’ve been carrying them from one life to the next. Face them, for once and for all.
I did feel like crying, it feels like I found more family in spirit than I find here in the flesh.
My mother in this plane is a gaslighter. Today she constantly kept bodyshaming me because of her fatphobia. And I’ve emptied my cup trying and helping her to heal. I almost developed an ED because of it, my classmate also kept pointing out I was becoming fat, and I was bullied because my thighs were also “fat”.
(Jokes on her, puppies love my lap)
A friend always made sure I was remembering to eat, and I know that bit of sanity I had remaining to her.
I realised too late that my mother doesn’t want to be helped.
I’m going to make a post after my working with Mother is complete, I feel called to do so, and I’ll do my damn best to make it as amazing as her:triumph:
Today’s dinner is…boy I don’t even wanna talk about it (in a bad way). I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!
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26th June, 2021
19:27
Today I did a massage to honour(? Idk the right word) for my feminine guides. I need to balance out my solar with lunar, and ever since I started I’ve been feeling better emotionally. Today was a break day, a break from magick but it has integrated in my life so much there’s a little bit that’s always there.
Didn’t talk to Lucifer a lot today except the daily morning check-in I do after I wake up. Camp has shifted scenarios- it’s a cave these days, with a dark water pond and it’s what people are seeing in my scans. I spent a lot of time in the Dark Waters while taking my bath, and saw/experienced things which make sense but…I still need to figure out if it’s gnosis or something I made up. It’s very strange.
I received an affirmation in my dreams last night, engraved on a stone at Dark Waters (I had asked Lucifer to take me to Camp in my dreams, because I wanted a full immersive experience, I slept with his sigil in my pillowcase for extra mojo) :
“I let go of what binds me, I banish what doesn’t serve me. I fully embody my Will.”
Today’s dinner is aloo bhujia with roti 
. I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!
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2 Likes
27th June, 2021
17:55 (5:55)
My doggo overate yesterday, he ate our other dogs’ food and was puking all morning. Also, I just saw an AMAZING movie! It has a medium too! A very mystical thriller movie😍 ghosts and all. It’s called “Talaash” and I saw it on Netflix.
I’m still stuck academically, I petitioned Duchess Vapula and Marquis Andrealphus during the beginning of the month and it hasn’t really worked out…I think. I can’t bring myself to open a book. When I do questions I get so anxious my feet literally feel like ice and I start heaving😬 And I really wanna go to college because that’s the only way I’ll be able to move out of this houseee.
Today was also TMG- too many gnosis. Luckily I’ve learnt how to ground myself (the hard way). Was thinking of doing something with Michael but need to consult both Lucifer and Michael together and then do divination before I proceed with it.
You know that “now kiss” meme? Science in one hand, magick in another, that’s what I wanna do. Or try at least.
Today’s dinner is Idli 
. My mum is INTENT on buying something called Trifala, it’s essentially a digestive system cleaner and a treatment for constipation. And she wants to buy the JUICE to drink 3-4 times a week. She gonna get us DEHYDRATED but as always, there’s not a single fuck given on what I say, although I know stuff. Tell me people, does having constipation medicine when you’re not constipated sound good? 
I can write an essay with rants…
Anyhoo, I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!
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5 Likes
28th June, 2021
17:41
Today I realised there’s another (and the final) deadline for the writing event at 21k words. I’ve already been paired with amazing artists and honestly I’m pretty excited to see what I write being drawn. I write fanfics (they are a form of literature don’t @ me) and confession: I get jealous when I see some other writer get art because I never got one. It doesn’t make me insecure, it just makes me jealous, I just want people to talk about my writing. Okay maybe it does (make me insecure) but only because the aritst/writer are friends and they get art, and the artist gets fic for their drawing. I’m just jealous that way, especially of a specific person who I won’t talk about because well, this is a journal, not a chat.
Anyways, I did win a giveaway () and part of it is getting a free commission! My OC is gonna get drawn! He’s coming to life! My baby! 
I’m writing that book but I’ve only done 1 chapter, which is unedited. The writing event fic needs heavy editing. If you have any ideas to set off public havoc via an already corrupt company please let me know. I know I can take inspiration from real life but I’m gonna filter too much in words.
I love writing, part of the driving force behind me writing the book is all the cosplays I’ll get to see if it gets popular. It’s a fantasy book!
I couldn’t really train with Michael today, we talked more than we trained. I was playing music for him (those specific archangel music thing) and he told me to turn it off🤔 He probably didn’t like it…he was vibing but he told me turn it off.
Artpop has been oddly resonating today. I’m still confused where I’m headed magickally. It’s somewhere but I don’t know where. I also realised that it doesn’t matter how many times I say Lucifer is a teacher for me because my heart has taken him as a father figure. Mind says “Teacher” heart says “Father”. I go running to him like a toddler if something goes slightly wrong or I doubt something. He’s so nice though he always listens, and I feel sad if I don’t talk to him every few hours.
Thank you Lucifer for being there for my meltdowns as well as happy adrenaline rushes. You have done more for me than anyone I know. (s/o to my coaching class friend tho)
Today’s dinner is patal and potato curry. This is patal.
Mum bought a weight machine today, did not end well. I did gain weight but I’m fucking proud of myself. Because I did not feel like puking or giving up eating when I saw the numbers, nor did I feel anxious. I handled it well, much better than I would have last year. It’s little things like these that help me see how far I’ve come mentally and emotionally, to be thankful that I’m healthy. Fat can be burned, but mental health stays for even a longer time. I have successfully detached myself from my mother’s fatphobia💪
I hope everyone who reads this has a good day!
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