9th February, 2022
14:28
Sometimes my own anger makes me sick. Not like, “I hate this” sick, I mean actual physical sick. First I feel anger, or rage, which makes me want to break a wall. I don’t hold anything in my hand when I am angry, I’ve broken my pens and pencils before because of this. Then I get tired, I need a nap, sometimes it makes me sick, nauseous.
I consider myself a good person, I consider myself to be a bad person as well. Then there’s the me in the middle, extremely cold and extremely emotional simultaneously. It’s a grey area, I guess, but it’s not an area I’m too fond of being in. It’s like playing pin ball, but I’m the ball and the skewer stick thingys that accelerate the ball is my head and my heart.
That being said, I’m not completely free of jealousy. No one is, except maybe a few enlightened Saints. I’m no saint, I still feel jealousy. But the reason why I feel it does not stem from me looking at someone who has a better version of what I have and me feeling the lack of it. I feel jealousy, because I feel the lack of what I don’t have. Not the better version of something.
I’m jealous of seeing my sister getting gifts, I’m jealous of seeing my mother getting gifts. I’m gonna speak honestly. I do get jealous. They get gifts because of the work they’ve put in, and I feel jealous because the work I put in is not even seen. The weight of seeing through the toxic patterns and behaviors of one’s family, and being put down when pointing it is something I will not wish for anyone. Being parentalised is not something I will wish for anyone.
So yes, I do get jealous of seeing them get gifts. Because I do feel like getting rewarded for what I do for them as well. I do want to be rewarded and recognized for pushing aside my needs to accommodate for my family. I very well could’ve thrown a tantrum to get what I want, but I didn’t. Because I knew that my parents were working hard enough already and I shouldn’t put extra pressure on them.
I’ve put up a mask since I was 13, but, to quote my classmate’s caption on one of his instagram posts, I’ve masqueraded for so long the mask has become permanent. My family does not see the real me, and sometimes I feel I am to blame, for not showing or expressing myself before. But this, is counteracted(?) by the fact that it was not safe for me to express myself. That it’s okay for me to choose my safety and protecting myself.
It’s confusing, and I’m back in the grey zone. My heart feeling that it’s okay to choose my safety, and my head saying that my family will probably never understand me because for them, the mask I put is permanent now.
I knew that I had to separate myself from my family if I were to truly progress, that I had to let go of them so that they don’t anchor me in place. Lord Belial especially, had made that extremely clear. But as with most things, it is easier said than done, and it’s a gruesome process.
To see what you want right in front of your eyes, but still having it so far away you can’t touch it.
I say I too want gifts from them, but my mindset rn is such that I’ll despise anything I get. Like a poison that corrodes any clarity that I might have regarding this whole thing.
Anyways, I just wanted to post this here. Because I feel like I shouldn’t keep this till evening. I will update in the evening or at night as usual. Till next time